Fights in your marriage will happen. They will range in severity, but, from time to time, you will have a serious disagreement with your wife. There’s the right way to handle it and a wrong way to handle it. Usually, I choose the wrong way.

I hate fighting with Alison. We’re just so bad at it. No matter how much I think I’m right going into the argument, I always come out losing. My approach is all wrong. I don’t set it up right, I don’t have a clear argument to make, and so the further we get into it, the worse I do. What’s the right way to fight with your wife?

• Stop. Before you launch into this fight, just wait for a minute and go through this process.
• Review your motivations. Why do you feel that you need to bring this up? Are you seeking a greater personal gain? What’s really motivating this feeling that you need to get resolution to the alleged problem?
• Take 3 days. Emotions and fights don’t mix. If you’re emotional, you’ll make bad decisions. If what you’re concerned with is a real problem, then it will still be a problem in 3 days. What this time will give you is clarity. You’ll refine your thoughts to a point where you can clearly articulate them and not resort to personal attacks.
• How am I the problem? You and your wife are one. That means that if she’s doing something that’s annoying you, you might be the problem. It might not be clear to you right now, but there might be something that you’re doing that’s contributing to what she’s doing. Figure out how you’re a contributing factor and keep that in mind when deciding if you need to fight with her.
• Is this me trying to change her? Your wife isn’t a robot or a designer baby. You don’t get to change her.Why would you want to? You did choose to marry her for who she is, right? Trying to change your wife is unkind. So if that’s what’s driving you, I can guarantee you’ll lose.

Fighting with your wife is a part of the renewal that comes in marriage. The outcome helps you both grow from past mistakes and to not repeat them again. There are other ways to find renewal in your marriage. I’d recommend using the other ways as frequently as possible.

Tags: Communication