September 24, 2013
Filed In: Marriage
We all have our favorite “bonding” activities to do with our spouse. Maybe it is curling up with a good book, staying in and watching a movie, or going for a walk in the neighborhood.
I always thought that bonding was a nice idea, but it seemed to be just an emotional kick, and nothing more.
I was wrong.
While reading a book recently by a family counselor, I discovered that there is an entire body of research in the field of neuroscience that reinforces the positive effect of bonding.
As human persons, we are literally designed and wired to commit and bond with one person in our lives, especially in terms of sexuality.
When we enter into a sexual relationship, our bodies release chemicals that cause the bonding process to begin and strengthen. The longer you’re with the person, the more powerful the bond. It is like putting in a plug to an outlet, it is a perfect, easy fit. The chemicals cause your brain to develop a deep-rooted attachment to that person.
As your attachment grows, your brain starts to exhibit the feelings of missing that person, “warmth” when you’re around them, and terror at the thought of losing them forever.
The problem is that in our interchangeable society, when we “break-up” with a sexual partner, your brain doesn’t like it.
The author referred to it as taking a hammer and going crazy on the prongs of your plug. You then have bent prongs still trying to attach to the same outlet.
So, the next time you enter into a sexual relationship, your brain resists. Psychologists call this “defensive attachment.” You have to fight and struggle and you may get the plug to go into the outlet, but it is a tentative attachment, prone to easy disconnect.
As you might guess, defensive attachment is very unhealthy. Our brains were not made for temporary connections.
All of this very fascinating science points back to a simple fact. Those individuals who abstain from sex before they are married, and have only one sexual partner (their spouse) in their lifetime, have the best possible chance, from a neurobiological standpoint, at a lasting, satisfying, and fulfilling relationship.