Marriage
Make 2017 A Change Year
I love this last week of the year. There’s a feeling of hope and anticipation for the New Year. We’re eager for this grand reset, and we even start believing that we can change our lives for the better.
Each year around this time I start thinking about my 2017 goals. I’m sure that you’re the same. It’s easy, and important, to focus on the usual ones. Eat better, exercise more, learn a new language, read a ton of books. I need to work on being a better me, but for 2017, I want to improve myself for others.
It’s easy to forget that my first vocation, my first job, is to be the husband that I can be. I need to improve my communication and increase my acts of service. I need to go the extra mile. I need to be spontaneous. If I give everything that I’ve got, there will be a peace and harmony in my house unlike any other.
I know that this is an area where I need improvement. It’s my goal for 2017 to reach for that ideal. I hope that you’ll join me.
Redacting In-Law
Marriage is full of misunderstanding. While in our circle of friends and in media we bemoan the lack of freedom and small annoyances of our spouses, the truth is something quite different. The reality of two people, from two different backgrounds, coming together to form something new is beautiful. Marriage is completely freeing and completely wonderful, even if it doesn’t feel like that sometimes. In-laws are also misunderstood.
Everything that your spouse is as a person can be traced to their parents and their family. They made your spouse who they are, for better or worse. An easy target for derision, they’ve taken on nicknames like “monster in-law.” Today, I’d want to propose something different. I want to break down the title and remove the barrier. Let’s redact “in-law.”
The strength of the family is built not just on the spouses or their children. The wider and deeper the family network is permitted to grow, the stronger the support system. In-law creates an “us vs. them” mentality that sows unnecessary division. As you grow deeper in your marriage, I hope that you’ll grow deeper in your relationship with your spouse’s parents and their siblings. The richness of a shared relationship will not just benefit you, but it’ll also benefit your marriage. The more harmony you can foster in a world gone mad, the healthier your family will be.
“In-law” creates another quandary when your family starts to grow. To your children, your parents and your spouse’s parents are equal. They have no baggage in their relationship. When you taken on the “in-law” terminology and all of its subtleties, you can prejudice their relationship with their grandparents. Even worse, you could sour it altogether. This goes further when the relationships between your children and your spouse’s siblings is taken into account.
It can be very difficult, and frankly a bit awkward, to forge relationships with your in-laws, but a great way to start is by changing your language. They aren’t your mother-in-law, your father-in-law, or your brother-in-law. They’re your mom, your dad, your brother, and your sister.
Language matters.
The First Step to Being A Better Spouse
Everyone wants a happy marriage, but not everyone is willing to work for it. We’ve become too self-centered to recognize that we can build the marriage of our dreams. We must have the courage to mend our flaws and then the determination to cultivate a vibrant prayer life. If you want to be a more loving and patient spouse, you’ve got to pray at least 30 minutes each day.
I’ve written several articles over the past few weeks about prayer. I’m working hard to improve my daily prayer life. By sharing my process with you, I’m able to give myself some accountability. Finding time to pray is hard because there are so many other things that I’d rather be doing. In the morning, I’d rather be sleeping. I also feel the urge to use those opening minutes to get right to work on my to-do list. It’s a real fight for me to wake up 30 minutes early, but when I do, it’s a peaceful time.
I have a dedicated [prayer corner](LINK 1) where I like to pray. It’s a cozy yellow chair in the corner of our family room. My main struggle, is that I view [morning prayer as monotonous.](LINK 2) The prayer itself isn’t boring, but rather it’s my lack of discernible progress. I’m starting to think that, like working out, it may take up to twelve weeks to notice progress. As Mark Hart says, “Laziness in prayer is like handing the devil a key to your house.”
There are three people in every marriage: the husband, the wife, and God. I’m ashamed to say that I often neglect the other people in my marriage. I don’t pray (I neglect God), or I put up the weakest effort to connect with my wife. Over time, this lack of effort starts affecting our marriage. I find myself feeling like a wonderful marriage is too idealistic. Even worse, I start to believe that it’ll improve when I’m older. These thoughts are the same honey trap that keeps me from being a saint, or from living a healthier life.
Maybe you’re like me.
Thankfully, I know those thoughts are wrong. Like my health or my path to sainthood, I can change the game at any time. I can say enough is enough and start doing things differently. I can be healthy and fit, I can be holy, and I can have a phenomenal marriage.
“Prayer works miracles,” as [Pope Francis likes to say.](LINK 3) To experience those miracles, we have to put in the time. I’m going to change my attitude about morning prayer. It’s no longer optional, but as essential to my day as that first cup of coffee. It’s no longer monotonous, but an exciting time to connect with my Creator, one-on-one.
If I can fight for those first 30 minutes of my day and make them count, I know that I’ll reap the fruits of that time. Love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are all fruits of the Holy Spirit. If I immerse myself in prayer, I won’t be able to stop those fruits from creeping into my day. As I grow in them, I’ll be a better husband and a better father. I’ll start to build the marriage that I’ve always wanted, the one that Alison deserves.
It all starts with prayer.
The Three Stages of Every New Marriage
As the ultimate Throwback Thursday, Alison and I are celebrating our four year wedding anniversary. We’re a very different family than we were on that day, and different people, too. I can see now how each year has progressed and the different stages that we have moved through. The early stages of any new marriage can be tumultuous, but I fear that we give newlyweds and engaged couples the wrong perspective. They’re sold on the idea of a honeymoon phase that I don’t believe is rooted in reality. Instead, there are three phases that every marriage goes through.
The First Year: Disruption
Disruption is a common way of describing when industries are upended by a revolutionary new idea. I can think of no better way to describe the first year of marriage than disruption. Everything that the couple thought they knew, both relationally and personally, is challenged. The first year is marked by fights about things that they never fought about when dating. The daily routines, idiosyncrasies, habits, and lifestyle preferences collide in the most magnificent way, leaving behind a giant mess.
This is a time when the spouses get to know each other in a very real way. In the marital bond, people are free to completely let their guard down and be their most true selves. This can cause friction if the true self starkly contrasts with the one presented to the world. It’s a special bond in that, perhaps for the first time ever, the spouses feel safe, free, and cared for.
These fights are commonly based in improperly set expectations. Living together for the first time, a myriad of differences must be ironed out and that, at times, requires fighting. The issues surrounding disruption would not be solved by premarital cohabitation either. Cohabitation creates a false sense of preparedness, which in turn leads both parties to change their behavior. Behavioral decisions are made based on what the other is perceived to want as opposed to a more natural state.
Into this chaos, sometimes children can arrive. While the discernment about the timing and number of children is solely within the discretion of a married couple, it can be advisable to hold off for a time on having kids. Children can make this transition more difficult, but at the same time, they are always a blessing. Proper discernment must be undertaken any time the creative powers are being contemplated, most especially in the first year.
What is truly remarkable, if not beautiful, about the first year is that we start to see true love. Though the discussions and fights, spouses open themselves to making small, manageable changes in order to be more pleasing to their spouse. These sacrifices are the foundation of strong marriage.
The Second Year: Asynchronous Unity
About the time of the first anniversary, as the hard work of marriage begins to bear fruit, the couple moves into the second phase: asynchronous unity.
In marriages, especially between young professionals, career weighs heavily on the relationship. With different jobs and different schedules pulling each spouse in different directions, it’s imperative that a couple works together in order to find that common time and space. In that same way, the differences in spouses continues to pull each other apart, while at the same time they jointly fight for the middle.
There is a great deal of settling in the second year and a significant reduction in fighting. The home, schedule, and routines have been established, so points of contention have been mostly resolved. In this peace, the spouses can begin to work together on joint goals. They may be getting good a working together as a team, but are still not totally in sync.
The real power of the marital bond is experienced when this asynchronous unity blends into unity, where a couple is working together towards the same goal.
The Third Year: Self-Surrender
If you want to be the spouse that you were made to be, you must master the practice of loving self-surrender. What is marriage if not total commitment and total service? Undoubtedly, this is the most difficult part of marriage. Some learn it in the first few years, many never even try. In order to truly love, you must overcome your own selfish tendencies and spend all of your energies in service of your spouse.
There is a peace that settles on a home when a husband and wife reach this third stage. Fights are rare, differences are calmly discussed, and each feels cared for. In a world of turmoil, the home is a quiet refuge were all are safe and valued. This is the bedrock upon which solid children are raised. When the parents are living in this peace, children will flourish.
Mastering self-surrender and true love is a practice that happens gradually and, once achieved, must be maintained. Selfishness is easy and requires no effort; true love and self-surrender require total commitment. For those who undertake the journey, the payoff is worth it.
Helping Newlyweds
Our marriage prep work with engaged couples needs serious attention. These unsuspecting couples, seeking to better understand what marriage is and how to live it best, are riddled with low quality information. We need to develop better programs to help them not only prepare for the married life, but also follow-up and help them to adjust.
Marriage, and the raising of children, is the highest good that a man or woman can experience. It is the root of our civilization, but more importantly, it is where we can find safety and fulfillment. We must work first to strengthen our own marriages, and then to help those who come behind us.
The Rightful Place for Sex
We love sex. We love it so much that sex has found itself in just about every quarter of our lives. It’s a weapon, a tool, a marketing strategy, a sales tool, clickbait, and even a conversation piece. The only problem is, sex really doesn’t belong in any of those places. Sex most rightly belongs in a marriage, and the pragmatic reason has nothing to do with religion or pregnancy.
Our sexuality is the most personal, intimate part of who we are as people. Sex is a complete unmasking, total self-donation; surrendering oneself to the beloved. Something this personal, this powerful, can only properly be cared for within a permanent union.
The problem with causal sexual encounters is that instead of being lovingly concerned for the other person’s feelings and emotions, as spouses ought to be, sex becomes a game. There’s a script to follow, comparisons to be made, and stories to be told. It’s this cavalier approach to human sexuality that has resulted in a hook-up culture, shaming, bullying, and objectification. People become less than; they’re consumable and disposable.
Something this personal can really most properly be shared with only one other person. The emotional bond that is formed, regardless of whether or not the parties acknowledge it, is something that is innately permanent. It cries out for protection, discretion, and stability. The focus of sex should be the sacrifice and nurturing of spouses, not the recreational activity of two bored and hurting people, let alone a conquest of some sort.
Young people and unmarried adults shouldn’t refrain from sex out of some prudish motivation, but rather out of an intentional choice. It should be a choice made with deference to the great gift that is human sexuality, and with respect for their future spouse. Everyone wants to have a good time, but no one wants their future spouse to come with baggage. This quandary only solidifies the logic behind reserving sex for the permanence of marriage.
We can gain great insight into truth solely through observation. Observation shows us that using sex as a commodity as opposed to a spousal gift leads individuals and even societies to dark and lonely places. Sex is a human act that should be celebrated; an act of selfless love for one’s spouse. Let’s keep it that way.
Gift Giving
There are many ways to express your love to your wife. Using the words, doing some chores, caring for her after a long week, and even cooking dinner are a few goods ways. One of the more infrequent expression of love is the giving of physical gifts.
Gifts are appropriate at any time and on any occasion. They can be big or small, humble or extravagant. I think that we tend to think of gifts in terms of dollar amounts. That’s a mistake. We need to instead think of gifts in terms of the emotional significance that they carry. To receive a gift is to receive an acknowledgement of one’s special status. It’s a physical reminder that you are loved and appreciated.
There is a balance to be struck between the desire to give gifts and the financial resources required to purchase those gifts. It may be wise to create a “gift fund” in your budget. That way, when you come across something that you’d like to give to your spouse, the money is already allocated and you can be free to make the purchase.
Gifts are tokens of love and this post is meant to serve as a gentle reminder that incorporating the act of gift giving is an excellent idea. Vary your expressions of love and always endeavor to make them a surprise.
Etiquette in Marriage
I recently wrote about my thoughts on reading “Emily Post’s Essential Manners for Men: Second Edition.” In that post, I highlighted the three components of etiquette: 1. consideration (how others will feel), 2. respect (how your actions affect others), and 3. honesty (courteous truth telling). I want to look at these there principles and evaluate in a specific way how their implementation can improve the marital relationship.
I think its important to note just how much we take for granted the latitude we have in our actions within the marital bond. The permanence of marriage can give us a sense of invincibility or that our relationship with our wife can take more neglect than our other relationships. This is a dangerous line of thinking. Rather, our marital relationship should be given extra special and care as it is the primordial relationship of our adult life from which all of our relationships flow. For this reason, we should be especially concerned about using proper etiquette at home.
Consideration is the easiest of the three to apply in the married life. Having empathy for your wife should be second nature. When she feels sick, it’s easy to identify with her misery and to seek to ease her ills. When she’s overwhelmed, it’s easy to connect with those emotions and to find ways to help her lower her stress levels. Consideration is all about responding to her, and as long as you don’t default to rage, anger, isolation, or disinterest, you’ll handedly master this principle. It’s nothing more than the golden rule.
Respect is much more challenging. As with sin, there are two components to respect: omission and commission. Your actions, and those actions that you should be taking but fail to, absolutely impact your wife. It can be a good impact when you keep your word, promptly respond to requests, and maintain the parts of the home that you’ve agreed to tend to. Being self-centered, uncaring, cold, rude, thoughtless, or deceitful are all violations of mutual respect and clearly are poor etiquette. They won’t build your marriage any stronger than it is. Cleanliness plays heavily into the respect category. Leaving a mess behind for her to clean up or failing to honor her requests when it comes to helping her keep things clean are major respect violations. There’s plenty in here and you know where your areas for improvement are.
Finally, we have the most challenging for us as men: honesty. We love to be honest, but brutally honest. The principle of honesty asks that we are courteous with the truth. That means that when one of your wife’s behaviors is causing friction, you must share that with her in a kind and loving way, and not in the form of a demand or a personal attack. Honesty focuses on the action or idea, not the person. We tend to want to lay our cards out on the table, find a solution, and move on. However, we need to recognize that women communicate differently and working though and issue is more of a journey.
Regardless of where you stand in terms of strength of your marital etiquette, there’s always room for improvement. With intentionally, focus, and self-evaluation, you can be a true gentleman and experience the benefits of a fruitful and dynamic marriage.
The Insidious Nature of Stress
One of my greatest relational weaknesses is a knee-jerk reaction to place blame. It’s a quick reaction and one that’s rapidly subdued by logic and reason, but it’s still pretty nasty and completely unfair. Few situations rise to the level of blame even being a possibility, but even in those circumstances acceptance of responsibility and devising a path forward are far more productive. The downside to this weakness of mine is the damage that it causes in my marriage. I deplore negative thoughts about Alison, and yet this tendency keeps presenting them, trying to find an opening to exploit. It leaves me feeling out of sync with Alison and, in turn, less happy than I would be otherwise.
Alison recently completed a very demanding rotation that required nearly all of her emotional energy and a substantial portion of her day. She’d leave the house shortly before 7am and, most days, would be home long enough in the evening only to eat dinner, relax for 90 minutes, and then be ready for bed. Her stress level was very high and, coincidently, so was mine. It wasn’t anything that she did, it was simply the pressures that she had to undergo during work hours required a cooling off period that happened to be the only time that we were together during the day.
After a mere week into her new rotation, her stress levels were significantly reduced and I commented to her that I felt more in sync with her. I was less agitated, she was more present, and all was well. We had a laugh when we realized that it was our mutual high levels of stress that came between us and, now that it had evaporated, we were able to feel more connected and have more fun together as a family.
This lesson clearly illustrated for me the truly insidious nature of stress. Silently lurking in our days, it builds up like a pressure systems, exerting its negative effects on our thinking, our decision making, and our daily lived experience. My relational deficiencies, like my tendency to place blame, combined with the other events of my day build levels of stress that are harmful to my marriage. Alison’s job, the pressures that she’s under, and the interaction with people in very difficult situations, along with the pain of a mother being separated from her child, add stress into her live. When both of our stress levels are combined, we all suffer.
I bring this up not to air dirty laundry, but because there’s an important lesson that I think we can all benefit from. Self-awareness is the greatest weapon we have in our arsenal to control our lives. Self-awareness tells us when we’re starting to trend towards sin, when we’re making bad decisions, and when we’re the problem in a relationship. Self-awareness gives us to the clarity to understand where we are, where we want to be, and the steps that we need to take in order to get to that destination of choice. Now that we’re aware of the subtle effects of stress and the profound impact they can have on our lives when compounded, we can understand the importance of stress management.
Exercise, meditation, prayer, and even date nights are all effective methods of stress management. Stress will take a toll on your physical health and your emotional health, so keeping it in check will yield tremendous benefit not only for you, but for your wife and for your children. We’re quick to cut stress management activities out of our schedules when times are tight, but nothing could be more injurious to our relationships. Control stress instead of being controlled by stress.
Stay the Course
If there’s one thing that we can count on, it’s change. Perfectly laid plans are disrupted by unforeseen events and suddenly, they aren’t so perfect anymore. The decision that we must make in times of change is if we’re going to stick to our guiding principles or if we’re going to throw out the playbook and do something completely different.
On April 5, 2005, my uncle took delivery of his brand new Prius. Over the following years my parents bought it and then I did. 10 and a half years and 254,000 miles after he took delivery, I got some very bad news. The check engine light had come on and after diagnostic testing, it was determined that the entire exhaust system needed to be replaced, a $3k repair job on a car that on its best day is worth $2,500. It was the end of the line.
I felt sad. It is just a car and Alison and I had agreed that we’d run it into the ground, but I still wasn’t prepared for it to happen so soon. This was my first car, the car that took me faithfully to and from work as I traversed the countryside. It was the car that became the symbol for my growing business and the star of my rap videos. Yet, as with all good things, it was over.
Alison and I enjoyed our month of being a two-car family. Certainly the budget had to absorb the additional expense, but the ability for us to operate independently, especially for Benedict and I, brought happiness to both of us. We had a choice to make: we could abandon our guiding financial principles and take out a note on a car, or we could stay the course and save up for a new one.
The trouble with financial planning is that it’s impossible to know the future. What’s true today may not be true tomorrow. Layoffs, raises, unknown incomes and medical bills are all a factor, and they all shift on a daily basis. True financial management is about mitigating risk. If you don’t overextend yourself, and if you have somewhat of a fallback position, you’ll be fine. We all get into trouble when we sign ourselves up for things that will work, but only if everything is perfect.
When plans get interrupted and changed, maturity requires reasoned thinking, proactive decision making, and adjustments to keep you on course. This story ended with a twist. Although we planned to be a one car family for half a year or more, a reliable car came up for sale and we bought it. Life happens that way and its best to roll with the punches.
Random Acts of Service
Last Fall, Alison was on call one night at the hospital here in town. The proximity to our house to the hospital makes things both very convenient and painfully inconvenient. Benedict and I had the car and we planned on taking dinner to Alison shortly after her shift started. As I began to put the dinner together, I felt the urge to do something really nice. Instead of just a main course, I wanted to make her a full dinner. So I grilled up some burgers, packed up condiments, chips, dessert, and a mint. It was a small, random gesture, but one that brought her comfort on her long overnight shift.
I think that we should spend more time observing and noting all of the times that we serve our wives. The smallest and most insignificant acts all add up to something really big. Like St. Therese’s “little way,” we too are building strong marriages and loving homes when we perform these random acts. Part of it is recognizing that we’re doing these acts, and the other part is recognizing them as holy.
Random acts change the script in your wife’s head. They’re unexpected. She walks into the bedroom to see the bed turned down and her pajama’s laid out. She comes home from running errands to find the house meticulously clean and the children playing outside. We all have assumptions and expectations about our days. Learn hers and disrupt them.
If you struggle to remember to perform these little acts of service, schedule them. It may not be a surprise to you, but it still will be to her. This is a great habit to make sure that on a regular basis you’re taking that extra step to strengthen and nurture your marriage.
We’re servant leaders and by performing random acts of service we can remain grounded, grow in holiness, and demonstrated our love and fidelity. While it can be hard to imagine that such a small act could make such a big impact, simply experience for yourself and you’ll see that the proof is in the pudding. Or in this case, ice cream.