As the ultimate Throwback Thursday, Alison and I are celebrating our four year wedding anniversary. We’re a very different family than we were on that day, and different people, too. I can see now how each year has progressed and the different stages that we have moved through. The early stages of any new marriage can be tumultuous, but I fear that we give newlyweds and engaged couples the wrong perspective. They’re sold on the idea of a honeymoon phase that I don’t believe is rooted in reality. Instead, there are three phases that every marriage goes through.

The First Year: Disruption

Disruption is a common way of describing when industries are upended by a revolutionary new idea. I can think of no better way to describe the first year of marriage than disruption. Everything that the couple thought they knew, both relationally and personally, is challenged. The first year is marked by fights about things that they never fought about when dating. The daily routines, idiosyncrasies, habits, and lifestyle preferences collide in the most magnificent way, leaving behind a giant mess.

This is a time when the spouses get to know each other in a very real way. In the marital bond, people are free to completely let their guard down and be their most true selves. This can cause friction if the true self starkly contrasts with the one presented to the world. It’s a special bond in that, perhaps for the first time ever, the spouses feel safe, free, and cared for.

These fights are commonly based in improperly set expectations. Living together for the first time, a myriad of differences must be ironed out and that, at times, requires fighting. The issues surrounding disruption would not be solved by premarital cohabitation either. Cohabitation creates a false sense of preparedness, which in turn leads both parties to change their behavior. Behavioral decisions are made based on what the other is perceived to want as opposed to a more natural state.

Into this chaos, sometimes children can arrive. While the discernment about the timing and number of children is solely within the discretion of a married couple, it can be advisable to hold off for a time on having kids. Children can make this transition more difficult, but at the same time, they are always a blessing. Proper discernment must be undertaken any time the creative powers are being contemplated, most especially in the first year.

What is truly remarkable, if not beautiful, about the first year is that we start to see true love. Though the discussions and fights, spouses open themselves to making small, manageable changes in order to be more pleasing to their spouse. These sacrifices are the foundation of strong marriage.

The Second Year: Asynchronous Unity

About the time of the first anniversary, as the hard work of marriage begins to bear fruit, the couple moves into the second phase: asynchronous unity.

In marriages, especially between young professionals, career weighs heavily on the relationship. With different jobs and different schedules pulling each spouse in different directions, it’s imperative that a couple works together in order to find that common time and space. In that same way, the differences in spouses continues to pull each other apart, while at the same time they jointly fight for the middle.

There is a great deal of settling in the second year and a significant reduction in fighting. The home, schedule, and routines have been established, so points of contention have been mostly resolved. In this peace, the spouses can begin to work together on joint goals. They may be getting good a working together as a team, but are still not totally in sync.

The real power of the marital bond is experienced when this asynchronous unity blends into unity, where a couple is working together towards the same goal.

The Third Year: Self-Surrender

If you want to be the spouse that you were made to be, you must master the practice of loving self-surrender. What is marriage if not total commitment and total service? Undoubtedly, this is the most difficult part of marriage. Some learn it in the first few years, many never even try. In order to truly love, you must overcome your own selfish tendencies and spend all of your energies in service of your spouse.

There is a peace that settles on a home when a husband and wife reach this third stage. Fights are rare, differences are calmly discussed, and each feels cared for. In a world of turmoil, the home is a quiet refuge were all are safe and valued. This is the bedrock upon which solid children are raised. When the parents are living in this peace, children will flourish.

Mastering self-surrender and true love is a practice that happens gradually and, once achieved, must be maintained. Selfishness is easy and requires no effort; true love and self-surrender require total commitment. For those who undertake the journey, the payoff is worth it.

Helping Newlyweds

Our marriage prep work with engaged couples needs serious attention. These unsuspecting couples, seeking to better understand what marriage is and how to live it best, are riddled with low quality information. We need to develop better programs to help them not only prepare for the married life, but also follow-up and help them to adjust.

Marriage, and the raising of children, is the highest good that a man or woman can experience. It is the root of our civilization, but more importantly, it is where we can find safety and fulfillment. We must work first to strengthen our own marriages, and then to help those who come behind us.