Marriage is full of misunderstanding. While in our circle of friends and in media we bemoan the lack of freedom and small annoyances of our spouses, the truth is something quite different. The reality of two people, from two different backgrounds, coming together to form something new is beautiful. Marriage is completely freeing and completely wonderful, even if it doesn’t feel like that sometimes. In-laws are also misunderstood.

Everything that your spouse is as a person can be traced to their parents and their family. They made your spouse who they are, for better or worse. An easy target for derision, they’ve taken on nicknames like “monster in-law.” Today, I’d want to propose something different. I want to break down the title and remove the barrier. Let’s redact “in-law.”

The strength of the family is built not just on the spouses or their children. The wider and deeper the family network is permitted to grow, the stronger the support system. In-law creates an “us vs. them” mentality that sows unnecessary division. As you grow deeper in your marriage, I hope that you’ll grow deeper in your relationship with your spouse’s parents and their siblings. The richness of a shared relationship will not just benefit you, but it’ll also benefit your marriage. The more harmony you can foster in a world gone mad, the healthier your family will be.

“In-law” creates another quandary when your family starts to grow. To your children, your parents and your spouse’s parents are equal. They have no baggage in their relationship. When you taken on the “in-law” terminology and all of its subtleties, you can prejudice their relationship with their grandparents. Even worse, you could sour it altogether. This goes further when the relationships between your children and your spouse’s siblings is taken into account.

It can be very difficult, and frankly a bit awkward, to forge relationships with your in-laws, but a great way to start is by changing your language. They aren’t your mother-in-law, your father-in-law, or your brother-in-law. They’re your mom, your dad, your brother, and your sister.

Language matters.