Marriage
Theology of Marriage
Until recently, marriage was a unifying thread of the human experience, seen across cultures, people, and time. In every civilization, there was a social structure which formed the basis of the family and, by extension, society. The State established and sanctioned these unions out of its self-interest in a stable populace, a natural network of support for children, and the key to its perpetuation. It’s only in recent times, under the tyranny of convenience and a culture obsessed with disposability, did hubris encourage many to question, redefine, or ignore this basic contract.
Contracts govern every aspect of our lives, from how banks hold our money, to how we acquire real estate and property, the terms of our employment, and yes, even marriages. The State, though now more feebly, still recognizes marriages and bestows certain benefits to those who enter into such contracts. There are tax benefits, property rights, and a presumption of authorization to be involved in the affairs of the spouse.
Regrettably, as the State has endangered its survival by downplaying the importance of marriage, cultural norms have followed. Morals often trail law, which is why “decriminalizing” narcotics leads to higher rates of use, and consequently abuse. So when the State signals that marriage is nothing special, the populace’s opinion is not far behind.
Marriage is an essential component of civilization. Contracts are easily broken, but marriage is intrinsically designed to be unbreakable. This is for the welfare of the spouses, who share in common the most intimate and vulnerable experiences of humanity. It further benefits the children co-created within the union.
Marriage is so unique that the Catholic Church recognizes in it theological and philosophical properties. It’s a contract, legally binding, but there’s a dynamism to it that transcends the boundaries of law and touches the metaphysical realm. It’s a contract, sealed by a covenant.
The Church recognizes marriage as not just a ceremony, but as a sacrament. The Sacraments are outward signs, instituted by Christ, to give grace. There are only seven of these moments in a person’s life, and they track the human journey from cradle to grave. Matrimony is the only one of the seven sacraments in which the laity are its ministers. The bride and groom, entering freely into the sacrament, confer it on one another by giving their free assent. The Church, through the authority of its priest or deacon, only witness the sacrament, consecrates it, and perfects it.
When marriage is proposed, the parties consent to enter into a contract with one another. It begins a period of preparation in which the couple works on the details of the closing, the wedding itself. They agree to the terms, decide on certain family, financial, and legal issues, and at the end of the wedding ceremony, ratify the contract by signing the marriage license. This is the proof to the State and to institutions that the marriage is valid.
Sacramental marriage, while recognizing the validity of the legal contract, enshrines the union in a covenant. This covenant traces its roots back to Genesis, when God revealed Himself to Abram and entered into the first covenant with humanity. God directed Abram to collect animals, and split them in two in the desert. God then descended and “passed between” the dead animals, perfecting the covenant. In a Catholic marriage, the couple confer the sacrament upon one another in the sanctuary, before the altar upon which the New Covenant is reaffirmed every day as the sacrifice of Christ is represented through the Mass.
What occurs is not just an exchanging of solemn vows, but a metaphysical change. The very nature of the spouses, and their relationship, is indelibly changed. Their marriage, and the vows made to each other, can be broken only by death itself.
Symbiosis
Nature is a constant teacher. So many of the natural things that occur in our lives and in our relationships are mirrored in the animal kingdom. I find that the symbiosis that occurs between species is a great analog for marriage.
Every family has their defined roles, each member taking on a share of the tasks required to keep the household running. But in times of stress or crisis, those roles can be up for grabs. This is an undersold and poorly remembered attribute of healthy marriages. Spouses are jointly responsible for all of the needs of the family and the household.
So much of our world and cultural narrative are predicated on defined and rigid roles. Said another way, our dysfunctional view of marriage, relationships, and responsibilities sets us up for stress, fights, and failure. The reality of marriage, and the sharing of responsibilities within the bounds of an insoluble relationship, is loving and sacrificial symbiosis.
Nine
Earlier this month, Alison and I marked our ninth wedding anniversary. In years past, I’d take the opportunity to write a post sharing some new thing that I’d learned. As the date came and went this year, I struggled to write this post.
It’s clear to me that all new marriages endure a very strange first year. Things need to be worked out as the two worlds merge. There’s a bit of new conflict and some general awkwardness. Balancing the personal dynamics and expectations of two different families is a delicate dance that leads to friction.
As the years pass on, routines fall into place and life becomes easier. You move past the early stages in careers, children arrive, and the family puts down roots. Finally, your marriage starts to feel like a real, unique family with its own identity.
It took us nine years, and now I feel that we’ve reached that point. We’re in our home, with all the liberty and responsibility that ownership brings. We have an established brood of four, with our oldest able to accept household responsibilities on his own. Alison finished school, finished training, and is well established in her field.
The plans that we set nearly a decade ago and the hard work that it took to accomplish those plans is starting to show results. In a sense, we’re settling in to the life that we spent nine years building.
When I took control of my physical health two years ago, and finally achieved my goals, there was a transition period afterwards that I fumbled. It’s one thing to orient your life in the pursuit of a goal, and it’s quite another to order your life to maintain it. I knew all about the things that I needed to lose weight, but I knew nothing of how to maintain success once I’d reached it.
The hard work of laying the groundwork is complete. Now we get to enjoy the ride and take on the challenges that come with maintaining a plan.
Sprinting
Alison and I will celebrate our nine-year anniversary this fall. It’s been a very full and busy nine years. In fact, many of the plans that we set for ourselves way back then are just now coming to fruition. As the light at the end of the tunnel comes into view, we’re sprinting to the finish.
We took a personality assessment earlier this year and were reminded of how similar we are, especially in terms of planning. We both look to the future at the risk of missing the present. Forward-thinking is a critical life skill, it enables us to make the right decisions today that set us on a path to where we want to go. It can also cause us to miss the wonder and beauty right in front of us.
Long-term goals are challenging to stick with, but they tend to be the most important ones in our lives. Along the way, especially in the lonely middle, it’s tempting to get lazy or even give up. The hope for a better tomorrow starts to wane. But as the end draws near, hope springs eternal.
We’re about to accomplish some fantastic things, and the sprint has us making sacrifices that we weren’t willing to make in the middle. It’s exhilarating and the victory is going to be so sweet. Sprinting is fun.
Team
I’ve been out of school for more than a decade. Alison and I have four kids, own our home, and educate our children. We live far away from our families, so it’s just the six of us. While I’m still a young man, I’m a young man with grown-up responsibilities.
I was out on my walk the other day, when I realized just how much better my life is because Alison and I are on the same team. It’s not nominal, it’s practical. We work together carrying the responsibilities of our household, we pick up the slack for each other when needed. It’s a wonderful thing.
Marriage is broadly misunderstood, either as a committed friendship or some sort of business arrangement. There’s something very romantic about teamwork that’s so natural that it’s almost imperceptible. We’re a team in every sense of the word.
Eight
It’s been a very fast eight years since Alison and I met at the altar and committed ourselves to one another. Each year on this blog, I like to take the opportunity to reflect. As I sat down to write this year’s post, I realized that I have little new to offer.
We may not be the same people that we were on the first day of the rest of our lives, but our commitment is the same. The values that we share, the home that we’ve built, it’s the same.
The lessons that I’ve learned, re-learned, and written about in this space are the same. I need to continue to love and to serve, to put myself last, and to always defer to the needs of my wife and family.
We have four children now, four wholly new creations only made possible but the love that’s shared in our marriage, but at our core, it’s still Alison and I.
We’re reaching the mid-stage of our relationship. The early days are now behind us as our relationship continues to mature. We will face new challenges as we transition and adapt. The struggle of marriage continues, but we approach these changes with a more solid footing.
We have many years ahead of us. We have many years ahead of us. May we continue to grow deeper in love on the journey.
Together
It’s amazing what spouses can do when they work together. Alison and I are fast approaching our eight year anniversary. While we’re still in early innings, it’s terribly sad how many marriages never make it to this point.
It’s been a busy eight years. We’ve welcomed home our fourth child into our third home. We’ve fought through illnesses, hospitalizations, job changes, certification exams, parenting, travel, and so much more. With each obstacle, with each challenge, we’ve faced it together. It’s our family, our home, our money, our budget, our everything. There’s never a question; it’s us.
We’ve also managed to hit goals that we set for ourselves a full decade ago. Keeping focus, inspiration, and determination over that period of time is no easy task; it is easier when you do it together.
Therein lies the true beauty of marriage. Not perfection, perseverance. Not selfishness, unity. Not emotion, total surrender. Together we can, and we will, do anything.
Seven
Seven years ago, Alison and I started our life together. Captured so perfectly in the photograph in the banner of this website, the years have passed by with a considerable amount of joy. Our home is now filled with three bubbly children. They play, laugh, and interact with one another. We’ve grown, changed, and continued to get to know each another. In many ways, our marriage reflects the work of our engagement.
The first year was very difficult, filled with conflict. We’ve had periods of prolonged challenges, and children who fight constantly. The people that we are today are very different than we were back then. We’ve consistently worked on our relationship. We’ve learned how best to respond and serve one another. We don’t live perfectly, but we make a good effort.
While we have missed perfection, we have succeeded at love. We’ve succeeded at loving one another despite our faults and failings. We’ve succeeded in building a family life in which we both contribute to the household. We’ve made a reality the plans that we set during our engagement. The family that we are today is a close reflection of those early plans.
Most pointedly, I find myself loving Alison more than I did on our wedding day. It’s more tangible. Marriage is not built on emotions or feelings, but there’s a new intensity to my love for her. I make mistakes and pick fights from time to time, but I defer to her feelings far more often than I used to. I find myself seeking to build harmony and consensus more than I look out for my own benefit.
We’ve undergone profound change in these years, personally and professionally. Seven years, in the scope of our lifetime, is only the opening chapter. May the good work we’ve started continue to bear fruit in the decades to come.
Making Breakfast
It’s the little things that make the biggest difference. Most mornings, I invest a few minutes in my marriage, but Alison isn’t even in the same room. I’m started a new habit of making breakfast for her to take on the road to work.
It’s been an idea floating around in my head for years, only now to finally be put into action. Now that I’m doing it, I’m actually surprised at how little time it takes.
My ideal morning starts with me getting up, going for a walk, meditating, praying, and then reading the news. I usually finish around 6:45am, with the kids not getting up until 7:30am or so. When I’m done with the news, I take 10 minutes to make Alison’s coffee, pack her lunch, and make her breakfast to go.
It’s a small effort on my part, and makes a big difference in her day. I wonder what other small opportunities I have to make a positive impact on my marriage. It’s worth considering.
Why Boredom Happens
I was at our Credit Union last week conducting some business when one of the employees remarked that it was her parents’ wedding anniversary. A coworker commented on the happiness of the day, to which she responded, “Not really, they’re divorced.” The scope of divorce in our society is disheartening, and I wonder how many of them could have been prevented.
Nearing our sixth wedding anniversary, I have better insight into a few of the common pitfalls. These stumbling blocks can get a marriage off course. Left unattended long enough, they could plausibly lead to divorce. While I don’t wish to be naive about the complexity of divorce, I think that boredom plays an outsized role. A key source of this boredom relates to routine.
Humans love tangible emotions; we love to feel. When you’re trying to catch a girl’s attention, or in the early stages of the dating relationship, there are a lot of feelings. There’s the experience of new things, the thrill of the chase, and a lot of public displays of affection. Feelings are transient and are a reaction to some event or stimulus. As you move deeper into marriage, the role of feelings diminish and the role of love increases. Love is not a reaction, but a lens. Instead of responding to some thing, love informs all of your decisions and shapes your attitude and actions towards a person. It isn’t a response to something, it’s a proactive function.
We’re creatures of habit, and we settle into a routine. In this routine, we may notice a decrease in the excitement or surprise in our relationship. If we approach marriage with the expectation that the feelings we experienced during courtship will linger, unchanged and sustained without effort we will be sadly disappointed. This set of expectations can lead to trouble, chasing a high that can’t be sustained.
If you find yourself starting to take on this attitude, there are two definite ways to help you see through the fog that’s building in your relationship.
First, examine your expectations. It may be that you’ve never communicated to your spouse what it is you are wanting, or in what ways you don’t feel fulfilled. Being coy is for dating; being clear is for marriage. Share what you are feeling. Keep in mind what you’re asking for may be unrealistic.
Second, think about all of the things your spouse has done in the past week. Love is manifest in many ways, most of which are unassuming. Maybe they put the kids down while you got to watch TV. Maybe they worked all day to clean the house or spent a few hours out in the sun washing and waxing your car. Maybe they went out and brought home dessert, prepared a nice meal, or took the kids to the park so you could have some quiet time at home. Sure, many of those examples may be their actual responsibilities in your family, but they are still loving acts.
There should be surprise, gifts, and excitement in your marriage. Expecting marriage to be a buffet of public displays of affection is setting yourself up for disappointment.