The Duplicity of Moral Superiority
There’s a tendency in human thought to desire superiority over others. We must show those we resent that we’ve made something of our lives and that it’s more than they’ve done. Thus, we are better than they are. This tendency is destructive and it diverts precious resources away from bettering ourselves.
Moral superiority is a major component of this superiority complex. On a variety of issues, we hold impassioned beliefs that we think are correct. After all, it would be silly for you to hold a strong belief that you thought was wrong. In our arguments, we put our emotions in control and stop seeing our opponents as people. Useful dialogue disintegrates into a fight for moral superiority.
Moral superiority is duplicitous because morality doesn’t seek to subjugate or demean. Rather, morality seeks to guarantee the common good for all people. Moral superiority damages our credibility and limits success. Proving that we are right requires that we must destroy another person.
There are moral issues that are more important than others. To be sure, the value of the human person outweighs the morality of stealing for a good cause. It’s possible to make an argument for the importance of a moral issue without demeaning. In fact, a good moral argument results in both parties leaving edified.
The quest for superiority is hubris, and it only gets in the way of a valid intellectual exploration. When advocating for an idea, ignore moral superiority and focus on the question. Your discussion will bear more fruit and you’ll both leave with more respect.
The Three Stages of Every New Marriage
As the ultimate Throwback Thursday, Alison and I are celebrating our four year wedding anniversary. We’re a very different family than we were on that day, and different people, too. I can see now how each year has progressed and the different stages that we have moved through. The early stages of any new marriage can be tumultuous, but I fear that we give newlyweds and engaged couples the wrong perspective. They’re sold on the idea of a honeymoon phase that I don’t believe is rooted in reality. Instead, there are three phases that every marriage goes through.
The First Year: Disruption
Disruption is a common way of describing when industries are upended by a revolutionary new idea. I can think of no better way to describe the first year of marriage than disruption. Everything that the couple thought they knew, both relationally and personally, is challenged. The first year is marked by fights about things that they never fought about when dating. The daily routines, idiosyncrasies, habits, and lifestyle preferences collide in the most magnificent way, leaving behind a giant mess.
This is a time when the spouses get to know each other in a very real way. In the marital bond, people are free to completely let their guard down and be their most true selves. This can cause friction if the true self starkly contrasts with the one presented to the world. It’s a special bond in that, perhaps for the first time ever, the spouses feel safe, free, and cared for.
These fights are commonly based in improperly set expectations. Living together for the first time, a myriad of differences must be ironed out and that, at times, requires fighting. The issues surrounding disruption would not be solved by premarital cohabitation either. Cohabitation creates a false sense of preparedness, which in turn leads both parties to change their behavior. Behavioral decisions are made based on what the other is perceived to want as opposed to a more natural state.
Into this chaos, sometimes children can arrive. While the discernment about the timing and number of children is solely within the discretion of a married couple, it can be advisable to hold off for a time on having kids. Children can make this transition more difficult, but at the same time, they are always a blessing. Proper discernment must be undertaken any time the creative powers are being contemplated, most especially in the first year.
What is truly remarkable, if not beautiful, about the first year is that we start to see true love. Though the discussions and fights, spouses open themselves to making small, manageable changes in order to be more pleasing to their spouse. These sacrifices are the foundation of strong marriage.
The Second Year: Asynchronous Unity
About the time of the first anniversary, as the hard work of marriage begins to bear fruit, the couple moves into the second phase: asynchronous unity.
In marriages, especially between young professionals, career weighs heavily on the relationship. With different jobs and different schedules pulling each spouse in different directions, it’s imperative that a couple works together in order to find that common time and space. In that same way, the differences in spouses continues to pull each other apart, while at the same time they jointly fight for the middle.
There is a great deal of settling in the second year and a significant reduction in fighting. The home, schedule, and routines have been established, so points of contention have been mostly resolved. In this peace, the spouses can begin to work together on joint goals. They may be getting good a working together as a team, but are still not totally in sync.
The real power of the marital bond is experienced when this asynchronous unity blends into unity, where a couple is working together towards the same goal.
The Third Year: Self-Surrender
If you want to be the spouse that you were made to be, you must master the practice of loving self-surrender. What is marriage if not total commitment and total service? Undoubtedly, this is the most difficult part of marriage. Some learn it in the first few years, many never even try. In order to truly love, you must overcome your own selfish tendencies and spend all of your energies in service of your spouse.
There is a peace that settles on a home when a husband and wife reach this third stage. Fights are rare, differences are calmly discussed, and each feels cared for. In a world of turmoil, the home is a quiet refuge were all are safe and valued. This is the bedrock upon which solid children are raised. When the parents are living in this peace, children will flourish.
Mastering self-surrender and true love is a practice that happens gradually and, once achieved, must be maintained. Selfishness is easy and requires no effort; true love and self-surrender require total commitment. For those who undertake the journey, the payoff is worth it.
Helping Newlyweds
Our marriage prep work with engaged couples needs serious attention. These unsuspecting couples, seeking to better understand what marriage is and how to live it best, are riddled with low quality information. We need to develop better programs to help them not only prepare for the married life, but also follow-up and help them to adjust.
Marriage, and the raising of children, is the highest good that a man or woman can experience. It is the root of our civilization, but more importantly, it is where we can find safety and fulfillment. We must work first to strengthen our own marriages, and then to help those who come behind us.
Making Time for Prayer
Over the past year, I’ve felt an increasing desire to incorporate more prayer time into my day. There’s something cathartic about quiet prayer time, and I often feel the benefit almost immediately. The challenge with finding these time blocks for increased prayer is that it cannot be rushed. Prayer, like any conversation, requires a set amount of time and there’s no rushing this process.
My bookshelf is full of books that I want to read. In fact, I have a list of books that makes up my reading queue and as of right now there are over 20 titles on that list. The same can be said for my prayer life. There are so many devotionals, so many books for spiritual readings, and so many ways to pray. These options can make a prayer habit challenging because I want to explore multiple forms of prayer each day.
There are two main challenges to daily prayer: time and cycle. Interestingly, these two challenges are the same that we face any time that we want to incorporate a good habit into our lives. Time is simple: we have X number of hours that we’re awake during the day. What are we going to give up in order to use its time for prayer? Cycle is the recognition that there will be times of great growth, and times of isolation. How will we take advantage of the growth in order to power through the spiritual winters?
This post really is nothing new. In fact, I didn’t intend for it to be new, groundbreaking material. Instead, it’s a reminder for me personally, and perhaps for you, that I need to be serious about integrating prayer into my day, and I need to be bold enough to invite my family to join me. It’s easy to intellectually grasp that daily prayer will improve my life, I just need to put it into action.
Impeach Francis
I seldom take the time to read editorials. While the premise is good, the execution scarcely follows through. They tend to be pejorative, one-sided, and offer little intellectual value to the conversation. Instead, they simply validate those who already agree with a particular viewpoint and shut out the rest. I came across what ended up being a rather amusing editorial in which the author suggested that Pope Francis should resign. Of course, should he decline such an enticing offer, the faithful should force him out of office.
Nope.
Now that we’ve clearly answered this ridiculous call, let’s take a closer look at what is actually happening, and why it’s making some of us uncomfortable.
Pope Francis comes from a nation of tremendous turmoil. Argentina is a land very different from the one we know in the United States. For nearly half of a century, it was a nation embroiled in violence and instability on a scale unimaginable to us. Out of that crucible came the man we now know as Pope Francis. Consequently, we can’t reasonably expect him to think, act, and reason as we do. In his time, he spoke out strongly in support of those issues to which the Catholic Church holds most dear, especially on human rights and life issues. His record is without question, and not even quotes ripped from the headlines can undo that witness.
We should consider, for a moment, how Pope Francis is mirroring very closely Jesus’ life. While we have the excellent stories from the Gospels, and a rich tradition, what we tend to overlook are the minute details. Jesus was a very shocking figure, challenging the comfortable and the religious and welcoming in the outcast and destitute. He challenged the religious because they let the rules become their religion, and bore little fruit. He welcomed in the outsider because they were in desperate need for attention, compassion, and love. Francis challenges those of us who consider ourselves Catholic. We’ve become so vanilla that we share the same divorce rates as our non-Catholic neighbors. We use contraception, we’re materialistic, and we’re extremely judgmental.
Francis, like a loving father, challenges us to do better, because we are better than this. We don’t like how it comes off, and many of his one-liners can be confusing, but we need to take in the totality of his life, mission, writing, and works in order to grasp this simple message he has for us: come back. His outreach to refugees, victims, and those we routinely ignore is a painful reminder of just how much room we have to grow in our faith. We need to live our faith.
Time has a way of bringing clarity, and I think that years down the road, we’ll look back on his papacy as a reminder of the importance of charity, along with faith and hope, as Benedict and John Paul brought to us. God has a way of placing what we need in our lives at just the right moment, even if it makes us uncomfortable. Pope Francis just may be what we need, right now.
Making the Invisible, Visible
Faith is a gift, and one that parents try to transmit to their children. Those who have a strong sense of faith understand how it acts as a level and fulcrum, boosting the ordinary drudgery of our lives into something almost supernatural. The biggest challenge in the transmission of the faith is not explaining complicated doctrine, or even making the many mysteries of faith understandable. Rather, the biggest challenge is making the invisible, visible.
The phrase “out of sight, out of mind” is popular because it’s mostly true. We tend to concentrate more on what’s in front of us rather than on what’s not. This shortsightedness lands us in all sorts of jams, from sin to compromise on our goals. This tendency presents a major roadblock in helping a child understand who God is and, frankly, why they should care.
The Church gives us many externals that help us to bridge this gap. Alison and I have consistently reinforced in Benedict’s mind who God is, and that He’s very present. When going to Mass, we talk about going to Jesus’ house, and how we’re quiet while we’re there. In the sanctuary, we encourage him to say hello to Jesus and to blow Him kisses. These externals present in a very real way the presence of God in our lives.
Yet, I’ve found an even better way to make the Invisible, visible, not just in Benedict’s mind, but in the daily life of my family. We have three holy water fonts in our home: one by the front door, one in the master bedroom, and one in the kids room. Several times a day, we will bless each other. Benedict in particular enjoys dipping his hand in the font and then giving Alison, Felicity, and I blessings.
This small and simple gesture, an almost forgotten one as we enter into the Church and leave, is nurturing the seed of God placed on Benedict’s heart and in his mind. These little blessings throughout the day, added up, will hopefully produce a bountiful harvest of faith in his own life.
As a parent, I don’t want to see him suffer, and I know that a strong sense of faith will help him go further in life, happiness, and peace than he could on his own. As Alison and I labor to transmit the faith to Benedict and to his sister, I hope that through these series of small, simple gestures, we can make the Invisible, visible to them.
The Fatal Flaw of Feminism
Americans have a great tradition of rugged individualism. We have a heritage of self-reliance typified by the settlers on the Oregon Trail, or the grit of the Greatest Generation. Self-reliance and self-motivation are two great qualities to have, but it seems that we’re becoming more and more insular. Instead of relying on a strong community, we count only on ourselves. This move has lead to peculiar movements and ideologies, especially modern feminism. The thing about authentic femininity is that it requires no words. They don’t need to tear anything down in order to validate themselves. They’re powerful and sublime in and of themselves.
The notion of women’s rights is a good one. Women should have the same opportunities as men. This is basic, and something that we can gain consensus on. The place where feminism goes wrong is when it asserts that women should be men, that gender is irrelevant.
Authentic femininity celebrates her diversity that she brings in thought, action, and biology. The nourishing instincts of a mother a comforting to her children and her husband. Her particular viewpoint is valuable because it allows all parties to see issues and questions in a new light.
Modern feminism requires malignancy. Men must now be beaten into submission, sex must be used as a weapon to achieve an end, and the only way to garner attention is through shock and awe. The problem with this approach goes back to the lesson that we all learned in kindergarten: you attract more bees with honey than with vinegar.
Femininity, in its truest state, quietly demands respect. By embracing modesty and channeling those thoughts, feelings, and emotions that are instinctual, she can act with poise and dignity. Like a masterful work of art, it draws in the attention of the crowds and commands attention.
Women deserve respect, honor, and love, not only because they are the seat of life, but because of who they are. Authentic femininity is not a weakness, but rather is true strength.
The Joy of Two Children
When Felicity arrived this Spring, I had just gotten a handle on how to deal with Benedict. Now a toddler, he’s incredibly bright and interactive. We had a weekly routine organized that consisted of errands, trips to the library, adventures to see family, and even ways he could help around the house. As with all things, the moment that we get comfortable and confident, things change.
One of my greatest delights over the past few years has been getting to watch Benedict grow. Along the way, he’s picked up a number of funny and heartwarming habits. When I ask him to do something, he’ll often respond, “Of course, Daddy! Of course!” I know that in a few years that phrase will completely disappear from his vocabulary, but for now, I’ll relish in it. He doesn’t take time-outs personally. He’ll sit quietly in his chair, head bowed, but as soon as I tell him he may come out, he greets me with a big smile and a hug.
So much of what we believe as a society about children is wrong. We see them as a roadblock and not an opportunity. We see them as a hinderance and not a bonus. These views are so widely held because we are just looking at the situation from the wrong point of view. It’s been my experience that children tend to remind us of the basic goods in life. A sense of discovery and eternal optimism permeates the life of children. They aren’t stressed, they don’t hold on to fear, and they enjoy every moment that they can. Those attributes, if we adopted them as adults, could substantially improve our lives.
Now that I have two children to load into my minivan, I recognize the change that is coming to my life. I’m reminded of the little inconveniences that come with the full time care of a newborn, outweighed, of course, by the full time cuteness. I know that Benedict and I’s daily script, which we worked so hard to create, needs to be thrown out and reworked. I also know that Benedict and I’s opportunity for fun, exploration, and adventure has now significantly expanded that we get to share it with another little person. Benedict is going to be a great big brother, and I hope that his meekness rubs off on Felicity.
Children are a joy, plain and simple. Although they are the original disrupters, what results for the parents is a life better than the one they had planned on their own.
Being Whom I Want to Be
We all have within us the power and ability to shape who we are. From the media that we consume, the choices that we make, and the actives that we participate in, everything that we do acts as a small puzzle piece, coming together as the picture of who we are. Physical activity, educational pursuits, and even hobbies can help us to reform our lives. One area that I want to particularly grow in is becoming the husband that I’ve always wanted to be.
There are generally two versions of ourselves. The one that we have in our mind, that we imagine ourselves to be, and the person we actually are. It’s important for use to learn from the version in our minds in order to inform the one who’s actually acting in the world.
At certain points in our lives, there is a transformation that occurs that is beyond understanding. We tap into energies previously unknown, love truly unconditionally, and service with our whole hearts. In these times, we are completely selfless and get to experience what life could truly be like, if we lived the way we ought to live. To be sure, it’s exhausting when compared to our typically selfish ways. Being selfish requires no effort, thinking, or energy at all.
Recently I got to truly experience what the “ideal me” looks like, and I loved every minute of it.
When Felicity was born, I was prepared to serve. I knew that Alison would be laid up for several days and it would be my responsibility to take charge of all aspects of our family life and medical care. Anything that Alison asked of me, I did, immediately. I anticipated her needs and responded to changing situations. For days I thought of nothing but her and my children. I would eat meals at odd hours, sleep on uncomfortable hospital furniture, and get up multiple times throughout night. Through it all, I was rarely tired and always compassionate.
Imagine if I were able to pull that off in my daily lived experience. Imagine if I were able to get my work and tasks done, while still being that responsive, empathic, and helpful. At the very least, my experience had proven that sainthood really is possible. It was the closest to heroic virtue that I’d ever come.
This really gets back to my point. The person in your mind, the person whom you really want to be, can be who you truly are. Through a process of discovery and understanding, you can articulate the characteristics that you would like to have and then implement them in your lives, one at a time. We spend too much of our lives daydreaming and bemoaning the fact that we aren’t healthier, holier, or happier. Instead of wasting your life dreaming, spend more of your life doing.
The Genius of the Family
Experiential knowledge is the most valuable of all. When Alison and I went to the hospital to deliver our new daughter, we wanted what all parents want: a healthy child. Minutes after Felicity came into the world, she began to deviate from that script. As if she was living out an episode of House, MD, her condition was both perplexing and terrifying. Her symptoms followed the criteria for one condition, only to swerve to a whole new condition. Her care team was chasing a ghost, and one that would not be easily diagnosed.
Less than a day into her life, she was loaded into an isolette and transported to the regional Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. After twelve days and a self-resolving diagnosis, Felicity was finally able to come home. Our journey over those two weeks was difficult, to say the least. The hospital was half an hour from our home, we had to arrange care for Benedict, and many days had to leave her alone at night. As Felicity’s condition improved, Alison stayed full-time with her, while I moved back and forth, tending to matters at home and at the hospital.
In all of this struggle and challenge, I saw the genius of the family playing out. The family, conceptually, is a group of related humans, living and working together for a common goal, the care and support of one another. In reality, especially in our modern era, the family is seriously broken. Dysfunction, division, separation, and redefinition has brought the family to a nebulous state. What is a family? Whatever you want it to be.
There’s a real temptation to define things by their features, but a more correct process defines things by their essence. The family, at its core, is a married husband and wife. Both complementary and divergent, each fills a particular role in bringing stability to the home. The mystery of how this actually plays out in real life so successfully, and it is truly a mystery, is what forms the foundation of the family, from which children are reared.
Stability is the true genius of a family. In those very difficult days with Felicity still hospitalized, neither Alison nor I ever questioned the availability, commitment, or involvement of the other. We sensed our each other’s needs, and responded. I was actively involved in managing Felicity’s care while Alison was recovering from the delivery. Alison provided round the clock maternal care and answered my clinical questions. She didn’t have to worry about my commitment: this was our child and we would both take responsibility for her.
Families endure all sorts of trials throughout their existence. Stability binds them together and allows the unit to withstand any test.
Granted, the married couple, along with their children form a family, but the unsung hero of this system is the extended family. We all need support, and sometimes require that support to come from outside of the family. This is where the extended family comes in to play. Whether it’s giving parents a weekend off, taking care of household chores after an illness, or just being on the other end of the phone ready to answer any question, the extended family fortifies the family and allows it to thrive.
Neighbors, too, can contribute to healthy families. One morning, the week after bringing Felicity home, I walked outside to see that one of my neighbors had mowed our lawn. I’m not sure which one did, but this small act of kindness, which took less than 10 minutes, made me feel respected and cared for. These small acts, neighbors looking out for each other, can cause us all to reap the benefits of a vibrant and harmonious community.
We owe it to ourselves to labor to build strong families in our communities. The stability that they bring can contribute not just to better communities, but what St. John Paul II calls a civilization of love. All of us dream of a culture of respect, honesty, and trust. That dream can only be realized when we focus on family. Start in your own home, build your children up, and slowly watch the flame spread.
Keeping Things Civil
Every four years, we have a tremendous, Constitutionally guaranteed, opportunity to remind ourselves just how much we hate our neighbor. Twelve to sixteen months of personal attacks and a relentless avalanche of political marketing that has become our presidential election cycle. Instead of being a moment for us to collectively pause, evaluate our progress, and choose a vision for our future, it’s a free-for-all.
The same is true for us this year. We’re passing the twelve month mark in this election cycle and it seems that this is an appropriate moment to remind ourselves of something truly elementary: we’re all people.
Our thoughts and opinions are largely based on our upbringing, environment, and life experiences. A nation of 300+ million people cannot possibly hope to agree on everything, but we should be able to come together, through the appropriate channels, to express viewpoints and agree on a course of action. This ideal, of course, has not really been seen concretely since September 11, 2001.
The beautiful by-product of that deplorable attack was how it united us as a nation. We set aside our political prejudices and focused instead on what brings us together. We collectively make our nation what it is, and all have a stake in making it the best society possible.
We shouldn’t need a massive attack in order to remind us that our political opponents are people who care just as much about the future of our nation as we do. This fall, and indeed beyond November 8th, I challenge you to do the bravest thing any citizen can do in the public life: remain civil.