Traveling Mass
I travel a fair amount for work. Perhaps you are like me. One of my favorite unofficial games is “Find the Catholic Church.” If you want to get an idea for the universality of the Church, notice how you can’t go far in any direction without running into one.
One of the really cool things about Catholicism is that we are Universal. The Mass in New York is the same as the Mass in Los Angeles. The Mass in Los Angeles is the same as the Mass in London.
I had that opportunity in Pennsylvania while my wife took a test. It was a foggy Monday morning and I was tired. I had my plans set to go back to the hotel and go to sleep. After all, I had just completed a grueling 12 hour travel day.
We drove to the test site and I dropped her off. I pulled out of the parking lot, looked to the left, and there was a Catholic Church. I was starting to turn right and immediately cut back left. It was 7:15am. Morning Mass?
I parked and went in. Yes, Mass at 8:00am. I grabbed my rosary and picked a pew. For 35 minutes it was just the Priest and I. We sat there, praying.
The Church was beautiful. Although it was only built 60 years ago, it was an ornately decorated ethnic (I believe Polish) Parish. It was so quiet, so serene.
By the time that Mass had started, the attendance had swelled to 7. I was by far the youngest person there. I was also sitting closest to the front. It was essentially a test to figure out how well I knew the new translation.
There was something very special about that Mass. First, of course, I felt cared for as a traveler. Cared for in that I felt that I had a home so far from my own.
The intimate setting was unlike anything I have ever experienced. It was like my Wedding Mass. I was in the front, it was as if it was just the Priest and I.
There is a depth of prayer that comes from that setting. There is a feeling that, through the ministry of the Church, the Church is truly there to serve the individual, as well as the community.
I was grateful to make one of the two daily Masses that happen during the week at this Parish. I was grateful to have the opportunity to intercede for my wife while she took an exam no more than 300 yards away. I was grateful to the Archdiocese of Philadelphia for taking care of a traveling pilgrim.
A New Identity
In our life, we experience many transformations. We change from a child into an adolescent. We change from an adolescent into an adult. We are no longer the person that we used to be. We do the same thing when we get married.
When we say “I do,” we lose our identity as single persons.This transformation is a paradox. We give everything up and gain everything. Who we are as people is forever changed. It is when we forget our new identity that we get into trouble.
One of the things about identity is that we need to live by it with singleness of purpose. All of our decisions need to be made in light of who we are as people. For example, as a married person, I would not make a major purchase without consulting with my wife. It is in light of my identity as married that I know that I am not the only decision maker.
Having the identity of a married person is a beautiful thing. You cannot experience a more complete human relationship. Being married, two complimentary people, man and woman, fill out each other’s weaknesses. The two become participants in God’s plan of Creation. They become co-creaters.
Being married is a privilege. It is a privilege that requires work. You can no longer only think of yourself. You have to include someone else in your thought processes. You have to involve your spouse in your life. You must also be involved in theirs.
If taken seriously, you will notice how much of a change your identity has given to you. You will make wiser choices. You will not live as selfishly. You will gain great joy from your self-sacrifice.
Having a new identity is not something to be scared of. It is something to embrace. It is something to love. It is truly beautiful.
Embrace your new identity. Live by it. Reap its rewards.
How to Not Accidentally Cheat
We live in a modern era. The way that we work is very much different than in days gone by. People are now working more and more from home. Business travel remains prevalent. With both genders now in the workplace, we have new challenges to face.
About twice a month, I spend an overnight on the road. I get a room in a cheap hotel and crash. On more than one occasion, other people from my team are on the road with me. Sometimes it is male colleagues, sometimes it is female colleagues. This presents a potential challenge for me.
In our day, perception is reality. When we are tired and away from home, our judgement can be compromised. People do things on “business trips” that they would never do at home. Fatigue has a high cost to clear thinking.
As Catholics, we know that Satan doesn’t just walk up to us on the street and make an offer. He is much more cunning than that. He morphs, he evolves. In that way, he is very much like a virus. He adapts and attacks at our weakest points.
One of the amazing things that I have learned is how some national speakers is how they naturally protect themselves on the road. They do not allow themselves to be put into situations that could prove to be a temptation. For example, I know of two speakers who never travel alone with a female colleague. They bring someone else along.
This is not sexist against women. This isn’t to say that women don’t belong in the workplace. This is to say that they put a premium on protecting everyone’s families and relationships. By not allowing for compromising situations to arise, they preserve their integrity.
What is key here is that you recognize where you may be weak, and adapt. Perhaps you don’t have a problem going along with only a colleague of the opposite sex. However, you may know that alcohol easily impairs your judgement. Make the adjustments you need to.
Your relationship with your wife should be your most important human relationship. She is your teammate. She is your best friend. She is your trusted partner. Let nothing hurt or inhibit that relationship.
Consider your working relationships. Are they appropriate? Do you allow yourself to get into potentially compromising situations? Safeguarding all parties involved is one of the most professional things that you can do.
Cohabitation: Not A Test Drive
When my wife and I got engaged, we were living in two different cities. She was studying in Detroit and I was working in Pittsburgh. We got engaged at a crossroads of her medical school career in which she had to move. When my transfer at work was approved, people started asking questions about our wedding and life plans. Invariably they assumed that since we were moving to a new city, a few months before our wedding, we’d go ahead and move in together. False.
It is indisputable, even with just my anecdotal evidence, that cohabitation is a social norm, a social expectation before a couple gets married. The oldest analogy that I can think of is that, “You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it.” For most, that seems like a logical argument, and they follow it. Yet, even though I got a “C” in Logic, I have gained enough knowledge of logic to know that it simply does not follow. Let’s play with the analogy for a bit though.
When you test drive a car, you don’t own it. In fact, you have no skin in the game at all. Before buying a car, you might even “test drive” dozen of cars. At the end of the day, you end up not buying any of them. When you are on a test drive, you do not treat the car like you own it. You are overly careful, making sure to not get a scratch on it. You, after all, don’t want the guy from the dealership in the car with you to get upset.
If you’re driving and then engine quits or you get a flat tire, what do you do? You hand the keys back to the dealer and walk away. You aren’t committed to the car. You didn’t pay the taxes and registration, you haven’t paid any insurance towards it, no gas, no repairs. It isn’t yours.
As soon as you buy a car, however, you treat it completely different. Suddenly, you are much more yourself with the car. You drive it in a way that is comfortable to you, and you take care of it. You take risks, and some don’t pay off. Then any damage comes out of your pocket, not to mention if you total it and you financed the car, you’ll be making payments on a car that doesn’t exist any more. Do you see the problem?
Cohabitation is much the same. You think it will prepare you for marriage, you think this is the way to get a sneak preview, but cohabitation can’t do any of those things. The fact is, any adverse action you take could end the relationship, and you don’t want that to happen. So, you defensively put up a false front, you “walk on egg shells,” you make sure you don’t get a scratch on the relationship. Then, when you do get married, you’re more comfortable and you become you again. The only problem is, since you lived together, you gave your fiancé/fiancee the wrong impression of what living with you would be like. You leave a mess, chew with your mouth open, and never help with the shopping. Yet, the fake you is the reason why your fiancé/fiancee decided to tie the knot in the first place.
The sad fact is, there is no experience you can have that will fully prepare you for the covenant of Marriage. You can pull together all of the elements that you think make a marriage (I.e. living together, paying household expenses together), but you cannot factor in a substitute to the beautiful finality of the Marriage Covenant. All you are doing is setting the wrong expectation.
If my anecdotal evidence is not enough to convince you, check out this article from ZENIT based on a study published in 2005 by the Vanier Institute of the Family.
Lastly, you’re forgetting one thing when you move in together before marriage; you lose an amazing experience. One of the best parts of my Wedding Day was bringing my new Bride under my roof. It was something that words cannot describe. There was great symbolism of bringing her into our new home. It communicated that she was now under my protection. It was something in life that is truly worth experiencing. Believe it or not, the wait made it that much sweeter.
Do not rely on the illusion of cohabitation as a necessary preparation for marriage. There is no substitute. Instead, pray, read, study, and grow in love, and let the grace of the Sacrament be your strength.
Lessons from Downton Abbey
My wife and I don’t have cable. We are currently on the Dave Ramsey plan and, well, we don’t really need it. Instead, like many households today, we simply have subscriptions to Netflix and Hulu+. A few months ago, The Office had a line mentioning Downton Abbey.
I had never seen an episode, but there seemed to be a lot of talk about it. Finally, my wife and I watched an episode. Then another, then all of Season 1 and 2. We have just recently started watching Season 3 and are loving it.
Truthfully, sometimes while watching the show, I wonder if watching is something a man should be doing. In our culture, for men especially, there are certain things that are okay for us to be interested in, and some things that are not okay. I’m thinking Downton Abbey falls on the wrong side of the line, but I’m not sure.
The thing I am sure about, however, is that Downton Abbey is a great tool for teaching men how to be better husbands.
There is something sexy about chivalry. I think it is fair to say that most women believe it should be the standard, not the exception. Watching Downton Abbey, men today can find unique ways to woo the woman that they love. Most notably perhaps, is the mail. Pay attention to how the characters pour over their letters. It is a universal fact that women love receiving love letters. Remember, courtship doesn’t stop at “I do.” Of course, this is just the beginning of ideas.
So, gentlemen, have an evening in with your lady this week and watch Downton Abbey… and learn. You just might like the results.
Not for the Comfortable
Catholics tend to each have their own flare for practicing their faith. Thankfully, my wife and I found a parish near our home that fits with ours. We were not so lucky on Ash Wednesday.
We had planned on going to the evening Mass at our parish together at 6:30pm. By 4pm, we were both done with work and home. We decided that we couldn’t wait until 7:30pm for dinner. (Something about fasting?) We scoured the internet and found an earlier Mass near us.
When we were trying to find a parish for us, we “interviewed” several parishes. The parish that we ended up at for Ash Wednesday didn’t make the cut. Our experience on that day reminded us why.
The community was very lax. The priest didn’t have a seat of honor. He sat in a row of choir chairs in front of the first pew. Jesus had a cute corner, tucked away on the side. While 25% of the pews were remotely oriented in His direction, at least a third were oriented away from Him. Every cross that had Jesus on it had the Resurrected Christ. The only reverencing the Altar got was at the entrance and recessional processions. People were going up to Communion with their hands in the pockets of their jeans.
Then it hit me. How could anyone expect respect from a community where Catholicism is so easy? There was no suffering. Christ wasn’t bleeding on the Cross after horrific torture. He was the Buddy Jesus. There was no seat of honor for the priest in persona Christi. Everything was so sterile. It was easy.
People respect people and organizations that stand for something. When you challenge individuals, they rise to the occasion. Look to the martyrs for that. When you sanitize faith, when you make it easy, it doesn’t inspire people to do much of anything. We have an innate desire to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. We innately know that anything hard must be worth doing.
We sanitize marriage, too. We make it easy. A lot of marriage prep courses are a joke. We use “forgiveness” as a pass to do whatever we want. We define it however we want. We let others define it however they want.
The problem is, like Catholicism, marriage isn’t easy. Marriage is war. It’s not a spouse versus spouse war. It is a spouse versus the world war. You have to fight, claw, and defend your marriage. If you don’t have the heart of a fighter, if you won’t take a beating for what you love, then don’t get married.
We all lose battles. The greatest generals lose battles. St. Peter lost a battle. The difference between St. Peter and Judas? St. Peter won the war. He didn’t quit. He took the loss, got up, and kept fighting.
Marriage isn’t for the meek. It isn’t for the fainthearted. It is not for the comfortable. It isn’t easy. It isn’t cozy. It isn’t convenient.
It is worth it.
Try Serving
Growing up, every day, my parents used to require that each of the kids read a book for 30 minutes per day. We called this, “Reading Time.” I hated it. There were so many different things that I wanted to do; I wanted to play, to run outside, anything except do something so boring as reading. It took me until just a few months ago to realize the utter importance of reading. I finally understood that reading opens up entire new worlds to me. In fact, it has almost gotten to the point where I would rather read than play. Point: Mom and Dad.
I work for a non-profit and I spend almost all of my time sharing our mission with people in the community. I have had the opportunity to meet many unique people in the three years since I’ve graduated from college. I have met people from all walks of life and have found myself in the offices of influential community members. After a few of those meetings, I have found myself asking if my company should really be allowing me to go out and represent them to such influential people, surely there is someone else more qualified that should be doing this. After coming to the realization that it is up to me to inspire others to join us, I decided that I needed to learn more.
For the past several months, I have been devouring business books. I have been trying to learn about customer service, productivity, personal selling, and any other topic that I thought relevant. I started subscribing to blogs (which got me going on this one), listening to podcasts and finding out who is out there doing things right. I have learned a lot and have enjoyed the experience. Then, however, I started seeing other books that I wanted to read. While on the Knights of Columbus website Fathers for Good, I saw that they had a reading list of great books for dads and Catholic men. I checked out their marriage page and started reading those books.
After getting halfway through the first marriage book, it hit me: being married is like having the ultimate customer service job. Dr. Gary Smalley, in his book “If Only He Knew,”emphasized the point that if husbands would do whatever they could to make their wives happy, that those acts would inspire their wives to reciprocate. That is not to say, however, that husbands should serve well for their own ends. The point that he was trying to make is that wives respond in kind to acts of love. I realized that my “job” is to give my wife the best customer service of her life!
You may have heard that being married isn’t very fun and that your spouse will drive you crazy. That statement is true, if you let them. Every time we interact with our loved ones, we make a choice in how we react to what they say or do. For example, I used to really let it get to me when my wife would leave her clothes all over the floor or not put her dishes in the dishwasher. Then, after realizing that it was my job to serve my wife well, I decided to stop letting those things bother me… as much. Instead of begrudgingly putting away her clothes or angrily doing the dishes, I saw it as an opportunity to serve her well.
After a few times making the choice to serve lovingly, she responded and our harmony grew. So, naturally, I took it to the next level. My wife is in Medical School and is currently doing rotations at a local hospital. She is working strange hours, sometimes coming home to bed late at night. Before I would go to bed, I would think about things that I could do to make her coming home more pleasant. I’d put a foot warmer at the foot of her side of the bed, I’d take her pjs from the bed and put them in a room where she could have light while preparing for bed. I came to enjoy it more and more.
With my career, I spend my days serving the community through the work and mission of my organization. I have great professional pride in what I do and get a great sense of self-worth from my work. I took those same principles and began to serve my wife well. I don’t like fighting with my wife because we are terrible at fighting. So, if there is an investment I can make in her to reap a harvest of harmony and love, I’ll do it. If there are attitudes and behaviors that I can change to make it easier for her to love me, I’ll do it.
If you want to learn about how to be a great husband (or a great wife!), it’s easy. Don’t spend too much time reading marriage books, read books about customer service, go home and serve well!
Rejoice
The day of my wedding will live forever in my memory. It was a magnificent day. I can so vividly replay all of the scenes, all of the emotions, all of the senses. It was a day of joy.
Today, Easter Monday, we celebrate that same level of joy. We are not slaves. We are not doomed to die. We are destined to live forever. We are like prison inmates on the day of our release.
As we celebrate, we must harness this joy. We must let this joy lead us on the path of truth. We must also acknowledge that we will soon be challenged.
At any time in our lives that we resolve to change our lives for the better, there is joy. We must, at the same time, prepare ourselves for the test that is coming. Our resolve will be challenged.
Today, let us rejoice in our identity and lives as married men. Let us praise God for the gift of Marriage in His Divine Plan! Let us resolve to live as men in the light.
The Ultimate Sacrifice
Today is Good Friday.
My thought for today is very simple. Christ died because of what I have done. His passion was because I chose to not love Him fully. He suffered because I am selfish.
Christ died for the Church. He gave His own life in exchange for the life of His Bride. He is a model for us as husbands.
We are called to lay down our lives for our brides. We are called to sacrifice for them.
On a large scale, it is easy to grasp this concept. On a smaller level, it is much more difficult. It is hard to remember when we are in a situation where our wife has done something that annoys us.
Today, let us acknowledge where we have failed as husbands, where we have failed as men. Today, let us look to the cross and see the example of who we are to be. Today, let us love our wives better than we did yesterday.
Trust Your Wife
What’s the secret to a successful marriage?
Trust your wife.
Trust your wife when the storms brew and trouble is on the horizon.
When the money is tight, trust your wife.
When you are having struggles at work, trust your wife.
Your wife was created specifically for you, and you for her. She will offset your weaknesses and enhance your strengths.
Your wife is your best friend, most loyal companion, and most trusted ally.
Who can find a woman of worth? Far beyond jewels is her value. Her husband trusts her judgment; he does not lack income. She brings him profit, not loss, all the days of her life. (Prov 31:10-12)