Fatherhood
Like an Abbot
St. Benedict is a well known figure within Catholicism, but his impact had a direct role on the preservation of Western Culture. Benedict grew up in an affluent Italian family and was sent to Rome to continue his studies. While there, he applied himself to his schooling, but was appalled by the moral weakness of his peers. In frustration, he fled.
Benedict sought, as many of his contemporaries did, to find and connect with God through asceticism. By rejecting the comforts of daily life, though by modern standards they were anything but, these men and women sought to enter into relationship with God by removing all distractions and obstacles. Benedict lived, for a time, in a cave below a monastery.
Benedict’s holiness became well know throughout the country, and pilgrims would journey to visit with him and to seek counsel. Eventually, some sought to join with him in his life of work and prayer. At first, Benedict did not want to engage in this path. After all, he lived in a cave so that he could be free from distraction and lead a simple life. Taking on the responsibility of creating and leading a religious community stood opposed to his basic goals.
Benedict may have left the cave and assumed leadership, but his principles came with him. His Rule is very strict, and many of his followers buckled under the pressure. On more than one occasion, they conspired to kill Benedict, only to be thwarted by divine intervention. Benedict’s rule, in its simplicity, gained popularity among successive religious orders. Today, Benedict is regarded as the Father of Western Monasticism. Through his Rule, Benedict inspired many of the religious communities who worked diligently through the Middle Ages to preserve and protect the arts and humanities of Western civilization. We owe him a debt of gratitude.
In Chapter 27, St. Benedict describes how an Abbot is to act towards a brother who has been removed from the community for offenses against the order. Benedict emphasizes that the Abbot should take great care not to punish the wayward brother, but rather, to remedy the situation. Excommunication isn’t a punishment, but a plea for reconciliation. Benedict writes that the Abbot should remember that his role is to care for the sick, not tyranny over the strong.
All fathers are the Abbot of their families. We’re are charged with care for the weak, not tyranny over the strong. This kind of service requires tremendous humility. We must summon the energy and courage to care for our children even when they don’t cooperate.
The number one virtue that you must have, in order to fulfill your mission, is humility. You must have the strength of character to accept your role and serve your children with everything that you’ve got. You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to give it your best effort every single day.
The Abbot of a community gets the title, and the mitre, but they also get all of the responsibility. They’re accountable to the community for the care of the members, for setting a vision, and maintaining the monastery. Dads occupy the same space. We have the responsibility to enforce uniform discipline, adequate nutrition, and health and safety.
Parenting is never easy. Overcoming challenges and parenting successfully is within our control. It’s a high standard, but the kind of lofty aspiration that aligns perfectly with masculinity. We have the grit and tenacity to take on this lifestyle, and to do it well.
Goodbye, PBS Kids
Parenting in every era has its unique challenges. It’s never been easy and the challenges are always different. One aspect of parenting is allowing your children to be children. The innocence of a child, once lost, can never be restored. It’s no longer enough to keep your kids from physically being surrounded by influences that you believe are bad for them. In a digital age, those people can get to your kids without ever meeting them.
I’ve always known that I should watch shows and movies before I let my children see them. But like you, my time is limited, and I’m guilty of turning shows on and trusting that they’ll be educational and not controversial. When it comes to television, I’ve been fairly strict with what I show my kids. I use television as a way to broaden their horizons and show them programs that educate them in a way that I can’t on my own. For example, I don’t have a pet elephant, but Wild Kratts can teach them about elephants in a visual way. With that set of objectives, they almost exclusively watched PBS Kids. That changed with the latest season of Arthur.
In the first episode of the current season, the producers at PBS decided to showcase the wedding of teacher Mr. Ratburn to another man. A show with a solid track record of teaching positive values to children was hijacked for a distinctly political purpose; Arthur was weaponized. An agenda employed the tool as an avenue to normalize a behavior to children. That’s wrong.
PBS Kids has lost credibility as a reliable partner for parents. I now need to watch any show on the network before allowing my children to see them. Instead, I will simply delete the app from our television. For television time, I will now buy selected episodes of shows that I know aren’t actively subverting my parental authority.
We’re on the precipice of reaching my goal of zero screen time.
Parents are the gatekeepers for their children. Our job is to protect them, to give them a solid moral education, and to reject anyone who would lie to them. It’s regrettable that PBS took this route. Then again, my kids stand to benefit by the added quality time we’ll be spending together. And for that, I thank PBS Kids.
Shepherd Your Flock
Parenting takes courage.
I’m the parent of three small children. I stay home with them during the day, and am so grateful to have Alison there with me in the evenings and on weekends. We’re a team, and we’re constantly exhausted. Some days I struggle to get out of bed and make good on the commitments that I’ve made. There’s seldom quiet and no break is ever long enough.
There’s solace in recognizing that all parents of small children feel this same way. I often feel like I’m failing. I feel like I’m failing to set a good example, to be consistent, and to keep the house running while being engaged with my kids. My goal is to have the kitchen cleaned and toys put away before bed, but more often than not, I’m spending the first part of the next day finishing up tasks from the day prior.
As if that weren’t bad enough, I have an entire culture out there trying to lie to my children. They’re trying to sell them loser language, excuses, and laziness. They’re telling my children to rebel against me and enjoy a life of no discipline, and no regrets.
I have many of the scars from believing people other than my parents. I don’t want to pass that legacy on to them.
But I’m not a loser. I’m a victor.
That’s why no matter how hard I get beat down, I always get back up. I’m tired, I’d love a break, and I’d love to just go with the flow, but that’s not good enough for my children. I may not have done today perfectly, but when my children close their eyes at night, they know that they are safe and they are loved.
Zero Screens
I have an ambitious goal. In many ways, it may appear opposed to who I am as a person. I consider myself to be well versed in technology. I stay up to date on the latest news, and many of my RSS subscriptions (see what I mean?) are of tech blogs.
Goal: zero minutes of screen time per week for my kids.
Technology is great, but there are a lot of pitfalls, especially for children. Alison and I have a set of ideals and values that we want for our children to learn. I know that my children have tremendous capacity for creativity, which they demonstrate in small ways each day. The problem is that content creators and app developers are sneaking in the front door, and that gives them the opportunity to tell my kids things that I’d rather they not learn.
I have to admit, the onus for this change is on me. When I have a lot to do and need a burst of time to get things done, turning on the television is easy. Benedict loves calling people on his iPad, and even enjoying using the Bible app that’s installed.
For me, it comes down to opportunity cost. What could he be doing that’s expanding his horizons and broadening his mind instead of being closed off, focused on a screen? How could we deepen our relationship if we spent every minute working and playing, instead of periods of time apart?
It’s a big goal, a huge goal, and one that I think is worth pursuing. I’m going to take it one step at a time, and though it will be a challenge, I know the payoff will be worth the effort.
Comprehensive Sexual Education
Parents have to do many uncomfortable things, not least of which is provide their children with a sexual education. This is what it means to be a parent, to shepherd the hearts of their children and raise them in truth. Moms and dads are irreplaceable, and they must be people of courage and integrity. I think that parents yield too much of their responsibility to schools.
Schools were set up to assist parents in the education of their children. By providing subject matter experts and a safe environment, children could receive a quality education while parents went out into the marketplace to generate income and secure the family’s economic future. This is an excellent ideal and an equitable relationship. The problem is when the schools have to do too much parenting.
Take, for example, the sexual education of children. Teaching one’s children about their sexuality is a primary job for parents. This complex subject intersects with a child’s intellectual, physical, and emotional growth.
Children deserve a personalized, comprehensive sexual education that is age-appropriate and continual throughout their development. A one-time talk on the birds and the bees is grossly insufficient. From a very young age, children should be taught about love, and how new life is brought into the world. As they mature, they should be taught about the clinical functions of their reproductive system, its nature, and how it is to be mastered like any other part of their person. They should be taught the rightful place of the sexual act, as well as the consequences of its misuse. The overarching theme should be that of generosity. Human sexuality is ordered towards generosity, the building of bonds between spouses, and the generation of new life. It’s a beautiful and positive aspect of the human person, and it should be celebrated and treated with respect.
Comprehensive sexual education is a dog-whistle in schools for teaching kids about birth control and (the terribly misleading) “safe sex.” The other common type of curriculum is commonly known as “abstinence-only,” which has been proven to be ineffective. Of course, I’d argue that teaching kids about birth control isn’t doing too hot, either.
The real problem isn’t the method, its who’s doing the teaching. Teachers have far less credibility with a student on this subject than a parent does. Taken further, human sexuality needs to be laid on top of a moral and ethical foundation. How can a school be reasonably expected to provide adequate sexual education when there’s no consensus among the students on morality?
A child’s sexuality, and their comfort and confidence with regards to it, has a lasting impact on their choices throughout their life. They will learn about sex. If they don’t learn about it from their parents, then they will from their teacher, their peers, or porn on the Internet. Our children deserve so much more. Parents must have the courage to teach their children the truth of their sexuality and their physicality, and they must do so consistently over the course of their development.
Dear Father
I’m the youngest of three kids. Before I had my first child, I didn’t know anything about kids. I understand that my little ones may be confusing, but there’s something that I want you to know.
In their eyes, you’re a superhero. We talk about you regularly in our home, and always with respect for you and your office. That’s why they’re so excited to see you every Sunday morning. They giggle, wave, and even call out to you during the Mass. Sorry about that, they’re just seeing someone they truly admire.
I know that you want to keep a certain decorum and reverence during the Mass. I want that, too. But it’s ok for you to wave to them as you process in, or shake their little hand on the way out. It’s ok to flash them a smile as you preach your homily. When the come up with me during Communion, they love to receive a special blessing from you.
After Mass, my smaller ones may walk up to you and reach up towards you, asking to be held. Go ahead and pick them up! Shake their little hands, give them a hug, and tell them how happy you are to see them.
I love seeing how my kids so willing to let you know just how special you are to them. They are able to show externally the internal disposition that so many of us hold. You are very important in our lives, bringing us the Sacraments that we need to make it through the day.
I’m sorry if they’re distracting at times, but please, make sure they feel acknowledged. You’re helping my wife and I reinforce deep in their minds that Church is a wonderful place, it’s where they belong, and that our faith is foundational in our lives.
Resilience
As a parent, I have a ton of things that I want to teach my children. I want to give them the skills and values that I believe will help them grow into healthy, well adjusted members of society. Resilience is one of those skills.
I grew up in a military family, so this was one of the skills that my parents gave to me. Those difficult cross-country moves as a child, and forging new ties in new cities, have made me adept at handling new situations on the fly. The nature of life is change, and being able to handle those changes nimbly without becoming paralyzed by fear is a great life skill to have in your toolset.
There is, however, one area where my resilience is lacking. I’m slavish when it comes to productivity. I have a rough sketch of my day and want things to go exactly according to plan. When I mess up my plan in some small way, I get knocked completely off-track.
I’m a morning person. My goal is to get up at 5am, and be done working out and showering before the kids are up at 7:30am. Most days I’m successful, and a few others, I’m not.
The frustrating thing is that I automatically declare the day a failure if I sleep in until 6:30am or 7:00am. Sure, it’s harder for me to get my workouts in if I miss my designated workout time, but how can the day be a failure when it has only just begun?
Being flexible enough to reorganize my schedule on the fly is something that I need to work on. Oversleeping isn’t great, but it can be managed by rearranging my schedule. I can workout with my kids by going for a walk, or sneaking off to the gym once they’re tucked into bed.
The same can be said about the spiritual life. How many times have you resolved to quit a particular sin, only to fall back into it? Any failure can be managed, and its an opportunity to grow in humility. Instead of continuing to give in to sin simply because the flood walls have been breached, start anew.
Resilience is a crucial life skill to have. Master the art first, and then give it as a gift to your children.
A Father’s Gratitude
The life of a stay-at-home dad isn’t easy. It’s much more difficult than I imagined it would be. My days are in constant motion. I get out of bed at 5 am, because if I don’t have time for myself before 7 am, I won’t see another moment until after 7 pm.
I have two small children, with a third on her way. I know that this schedule that I have cobbled together rests on shifting sands. Development curves and daily emotions threaten the delicate balance. The stability of my former life is a distant memory.
I take opportunities during the day to remove myself from the moment. I see the joy that my children bring to me, and the awesome experience of watching them grow. I know that they won’t be small for long, and soon enough they’ll be less excited to play with me. It makes me appreciate the days we share together.
The best weapon I have in my daily deluge is gratitude. My children bring tremendous good into the world. When I recognize the beauty and value of my children, I can’t help but smile.
Understanding God the Father
I underestimated how impactful parenting would be on my spiritual life. I’ve found that nothing has better helped me to understand the mind of God than helping to shepherd Benedict’s heart. We spend a lot of time in our Church community talking about Jesus, and not as much trying to know God the Father or God the Holy Spirit. Parenting is helping me to cover that lost ground.
Benedict has three hours of quiet time each afternoon. I’d prefer it if he would use the time for napping, and oftentimes he does. When he naps, the evening goes well. Each day is very different. Some days he’ll sleep straight through, others he’ll just run around or have creative play with his stuffed animals. He can be bored during those hours, and when he is, he starts playing with things that aren’t toys. His most recent fixation is the hamper in his room that we use for dirty clothes. He’ll pull the clothes out and put the hamper on his bed. At various times he’s told me that it’s a tunnel, a restaurant, and a TV. I love his creative mind, but not that he’s playing with his dirty clothes.
During my numerous attempts to get Benedict to stop playing with his hamper, I realized that the shoe was on the other foot. How many times has God tried to persuade me to stop doing something and to instead focus on something much better? How many times has my conscience warned me to not do something, only for me to decide against it? I was becoming frustrated that Benedict wasn’t learning, questioning whether my tone was appropriate, and all the while, God must have been smiling.
The shoe being on the other foot can be a humbling experience. Despite my life experience, I’m still failing on the same level as my toddler. Even though I have a vast knowledge of right and wrong, I still choose the wrong too easily. This is the quandary of the Christian life. We reject the knowledge of good and evil that we posses in order to pursue our own agenda, and God relentlessly pursues us.
I’m eager to learn many more spiritual lessons from Benedict and his sister as they grow and mature, and I’m prepared to be humbled by them. Parenting is a great adventure, and while the sacrifice is total, the rewards are innumerable.
The Joy of Two Children
When Felicity arrived this Spring, I had just gotten a handle on how to deal with Benedict. Now a toddler, he’s incredibly bright and interactive. We had a weekly routine organized that consisted of errands, trips to the library, adventures to see family, and even ways he could help around the house. As with all things, the moment that we get comfortable and confident, things change.
One of my greatest delights over the past few years has been getting to watch Benedict grow. Along the way, he’s picked up a number of funny and heartwarming habits. When I ask him to do something, he’ll often respond, “Of course, Daddy! Of course!” I know that in a few years that phrase will completely disappear from his vocabulary, but for now, I’ll relish in it. He doesn’t take time-outs personally. He’ll sit quietly in his chair, head bowed, but as soon as I tell him he may come out, he greets me with a big smile and a hug.
So much of what we believe as a society about children is wrong. We see them as a roadblock and not an opportunity. We see them as a hinderance and not a bonus. These views are so widely held because we are just looking at the situation from the wrong point of view. It’s been my experience that children tend to remind us of the basic goods in life. A sense of discovery and eternal optimism permeates the life of children. They aren’t stressed, they don’t hold on to fear, and they enjoy every moment that they can. Those attributes, if we adopted them as adults, could substantially improve our lives.
Now that I have two children to load into my minivan, I recognize the change that is coming to my life. I’m reminded of the little inconveniences that come with the full time care of a newborn, outweighed, of course, by the full time cuteness. I know that Benedict and I’s daily script, which we worked so hard to create, needs to be thrown out and reworked. I also know that Benedict and I’s opportunity for fun, exploration, and adventure has now significantly expanded that we get to share it with another little person. Benedict is going to be a great big brother, and I hope that his meekness rubs off on Felicity.
Children are a joy, plain and simple. Although they are the original disrupters, what results for the parents is a life better than the one they had planned on their own.