Fatherhood
Teaching Kids Why
Our society is suffering from an intellectual sickness. We lack curiosity. Ideas are no longer challenged and explored, but instead are accepted on their face. This lack of curiosity is leading many to believe the false notion that faith has no role to play in the life of the post-modern man.
Teaching my kids anything, let alone the truth and beauty of Catholicism, is challenging. I have to find a way to clearly and succinctly express an idea, while ensuring that I’ve broken it down into a way that they can grasp. There are many resources to help me, but at the end of the day, my kids receive the message from me.
I was talking to a friend recently, and we discusses the idea that it’s no longer enough to teach the faith from a standpoint of authority. It’s not enough to share the truth, but we must share the why behind it. Too many people walk away from the Church each year. If they only had a spark of curiosity, they’d be led to the beautiful why behind every practice and tenet.
I’m not sure the best way to help my children learn to appreciate and refine their sense of curiosity. I do know that if I can spark that interest in them, they will eventually find what they’re seeking. It’s not enough to give them the Magisterium as as justification for why we believe what we believe. I must also give them the why for our joy.
Consistency
About the time that dinner ends each evening, I crash. My energy runs out, and I want nothing more than to get the kids into bed and sit down. Bedtime is a special time for little ones, and a golden opportunity to wrap up your day. It’s hard to embrace it for what it is when you need a break.
On those nights when I’m particularly tired, I’m tempted to skip elements of bedtime. Whether it be brushing teeth, reading a story, singing a song, or even family prayers, I always tell myself the lie that we can just do it tomorrow. I easily believe that one night won’t make a difference, but in a way, it does.
Bedtime routines aren’t just about the boxes getting checked, it’s a time for us all to be together. It’s a time to take care of each other emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It’s a subtle signal to tired little bodies that the day is done and it’s time to dream of angels.
Being consistent as a parent is the hardest thing to do, but it’s the most important thing to do. Building a framework for your children’s days helps them to know where they are and where they stand. If you brush their teeth every morning and every evening, they know that it’s something important to do. The same is true with family prayers and reading a story.
Consistency requires energy, but more importantly, it requires discipline. Perhaps it’s time for me to look at my schedule and see how I can preserve energy for another 15 minutes at the end of their day to ensure a smooth transition into bed.
Cherish Your Children
After several months of vacation, I’ve gotten back into my routine of walking each morning before the kids get up. My day can be very exhausting, so by getting my mind and body right before the sun comes up, I’m better prepared to take on the challenges of being a stay-at-home parent.
In the big picture, it’s easy to say that I love my children, that I cherish them, and that I value them as human persons. In the day-to-day, it’s much more difficult. To be a parent is to be the ultimate servant. My name is invoked more times per minute than Alexa. Every day, I complete the same tasks, some of which are quite unpleasant, for the sake of their health and welfare.
If I cherish my children, and I want there to be no doubt of my love in their little minds and hearts, then I need to arrange my life to communicate that. They must come first in my day. When they’re awake, my time looking at a screen needs to be minimal. If I want to go on a walk without distraction, I need to do it while they’re fast asleep. Anything that I must accomplish needs to be scheduled so that I can involve them or do it while they’re playing or coloring.
It’s a tall order. In fact, it’s nearly impossible. Trying to meet this high standard regularly brings me to my breaking point. But my son won’t be six forever, and my daughter won’t be toddling for much longer. I can do anything for a short period of time. Plus. I’ll have all the time in the world to enjoy the silence and a slower pace when they’ve grown and moved out on their own. For today, for right now, I need to be rolling around on the floor with them.
Seeking Rest
As the stay-at-home parent in my family, I struggle with the tension of rest. There are some days when I feel completely drained and I can’t wait for Alison to walk in the door so that someone else can take over watching the kids. The dilemma is that I know that Alison has been busy working all day, too. How can I reconcile handing off the kids when I know that she’s been through more than me? What do you do when you feel exhausted and know there’s no break on the horizon?
I’ve found that with for growth leap and schedule change that my kids go through, I simply have to adapt. There are things that I must do. I must go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time. I must eat three meals a day, plus a snack or two. I must drink water. Outside of those needs, the key to feeling rested is not what it seems.
When I feel too tired to pick up or clean the kitchen, that’s exactly what I need to do. I get a burst of energy from accomplishing something. Plus, I always feel better the next day when I don’t have to start by finishing up what I didn’t get done the day before. There’s something about a lack of clutter that is relaxing. The same is true for exercise. My preferred exercise is walking for an hour, or about 4 miles. That steady pace over the course of 60 minutes always leaves me pumped up for the day.
Rest is something deep; it’s finding a sense of peace. You can only get that peace when you fulfill your responsibilities and take care of your physical needs. That may mean waking up earlier, trying a different order of to-dos, or even including your kids in your wellness routine. Laziness likes to dress itself up as rest, but it’s a mistake to fall for that.
When you feel tired and you still have lots more to do, especially at the end of the day, find something that you love and incorporate into your tasks. Enjoy the uninterrupted time, listen to an audiobook or a podcast, or maybe even your parent-only dance mix. You might be surprised just how rested you feel the next morning.
Not from Scratch
I woke up at my normal time on Saturday morning, went for my walk, came home, and got ready for the day. I walked into the kitchen at about the same time that I normally do each morning. The only difference from any other weekday on that cold December morning is that my whole family was still fast asleep in their warm beds. I pulled out a box of muffin mix and spent twenty minutes baking a dozen fresh blueberry muffins.
The mix was less than $2 at the grocery store, and the directions consisted of me putting paper muffin liners in the muffin pan, mixing three ingredients with a spoon, and putting the whole thing in the oven. I didn’t have to wake up before dawn to pull off this fresh breakfast, nor did I use an old family recipe. It was a simple deviation in my schedule that put a delicious treat on our Saturday morning breakfast table.
It’s easy to feel paralyzed when you want to do something nice for your family. Between HGTV, the Food Network, and all of your social feeds, you’re inundated with perfection, made from scratch projects and food dishes. Maybe you’ve even tried in the past to treat your family with something from one of those shows or pictures, only for your final project to look not at all like theirs.
Perfection is mythology; don’t need to reinvent the wheel just to do something nice for your family. A box of muffin mix after baking results in the same end product as pulling out eight different ingredients to make them from scratch. When you sit down at the table, you’re eating a muffin. The point is that you baked muffins, not how you put the batter together.
Life is complicated enough. Making an effort is what’s important. Make the effort.
Humble Service
Life as a stay-at-home dad was nothing like I expected. For the first two years, with only a toddler to watch, I was bored. As my family grew, I quickly became overwhelmed. Juggling care for the kids and managing the house proved to be a bigger challenge than I could’ve ever imagined. I spent five years trying to find my identity, when it was right in front of me the entire time.
My writing has always been very personal. I write about things in my life and the questions that I wrestle with. I write about my experiences as a way of processing the events of my day, and as a way of helping you. I hope that the lessons that I learn as a husband and as a dad will help you.
On Tuesday, I’m releasing my newest book, Humble Service. In seven years of writing, this is by far the best work that I’ve created. In it, I articulate a philosophy of fatherhood and the theological underpinnings of fatherhood. I share my daily schedule and the tools that I use. Perhaps most importantly, this book explores what it means to be a stay-at-home dad. The title is the perfect summation of my role: humble service.
My identity is intricately connected to who I am as a stay-at-home dad. I’m a father who’s actively involved in his family’s life. I’m a husband who’s the critical support for my wife so that she can go to work in the morning and make a difference in the world. I’m a man who’s capable of handling any domestic task with skill. I’m an irreplaceable part of my family’s life. My daily, quiet, humble service helps my family navigate the twists and turns of life.
I wrote this book in the same spirit that I wrote The Transition. It’s a guidebook for men who are coming down this trail behind me. More and more men are taking on the daily responsibility of care for their children and their homes. I assembled my best insights into one collective work so that these men don’t have to spend years feeling lost. This is the book to help men plan out their life as a stay-at-home dad. I hope that it will help them to assume the mantle of leadership with confidence and direction.
Families need fathers. They need their leadership, their support, and their active participation in their daily life. To the men who take the road less traveled, who sacrifice their own career aspirations for the good of their family and who assume the humble service of life as as stay-at-home dad, this book is for you.
Humble Service: Leading Your Family as a Stay-at-Home Dad is available on November 26th on Amazon in paperback and for Kindle, and on the Apple Books store.
Servant Leadership
Many people want the title, pomp, and circumstance that comes with leadership. They crave the seniority, the deference, the perks, the reserved parking spot, and the corner office. Few want the responsibility. Leadership is about serving, not being served. As a true servant leader, Jesus taught us that. He didn’t seek praise or preferential treatment. Instead, He did the things that no one else wanted to do. He spoke to people that others looked down upon and He challenged every social norm. He challenged us in order to lead us to Truth. He was a servant leader all the way to the cross.
Everything that you do throughout the day should be seen through the lens of service. That vision includes tasks that you enjoy and those that you detest. When you’re bored, agitated, lonely, or exhausted, keep pushing forward. Your kids may not say anything, and they may not seem to notice, but they see everything. Your sons are forming the idea of the father that they ought to be. Your daughters are painting a picture of their future spouse.
It can be overwhelming to acknowledge that every action you take is analyzed so deeply. What about when you make a mistake or fall down? Imperfection is part of the human experience and your children are watching to see how you react. Will you apologize and make amends? Will you give up and fall further? You’re teaching them how they should respond to their own faults and failures.
You’re the leader of your household and your family. Your attitude, behavior, and language sets the tone in your home. A warm, loving, safe, and welcoming environment hinges, in large part, on you. Servant leaders build communities and spaces that make a house feel like a home. A selfish little boy trapped in a man’s body can never build that kind of home for his family.
Developing into a servant leader is the work of a lifetime. It’s a habit that must be practiced, and refined, daily. There will be plenty of successes, and more than a few misses. Never become discouraged; change and renewal is always possible. Make better choices each day and stay faithful to that commitment.
Read A Book
When you think about your overall health, or even your performance as a stay-at-home dad, I want you to think in terms of balance. Like a body builder who ensures that his routine doesn’t neglect any major group of muscles, take the time to work on each major aspect of your life. That’s what this chapter is all about. Your intellectual growth is just as important as your spiritual or physical health. Reading before bedtime can also be a great sleep aid. On nights when I read immediately before laying down, I will typically fall asleep in minutes.
Many of us haven’t read a single book since our formal schooling ended. That’s a huge mistake. Libraries, bookstores, and online retailers are filled with titles on any number of subjects. The rise of tools for independent publishers has allowed even more minds and ideas to share their stories and manuscripts with the world.
Books can be entertaining. Reading fiction is an important part of a reader’s diet. It allows for the willing suspension of disbelief and for the mind to be at rest. Fiction doesn’t require the brain to do much heavy lifting. Rest is an important component of a healthy life, and a healthy brain.
I never walk away from a book without at least one thing that I can do to change or improve some aspect of my life. In order to be a well-rounded dad, you need to read. Find books and authors that write on subjects that you’re interested in. Read one or two books on parenting each year. Read one or two books on relationships or personal finance every year. Books are the cheapest education available in the market today.
All-Time Fatherhood
Expectations of fathers change over time. There was a period of time where the only requirement of fathers was to pursue their career for the good of the family. This is the nuclear age, Leave it to Beaver, model in which the mother manages the children, the shopping, and the cleaning. The man would get up, get ready for work, and come downstairs to a prepared breakfast. Same thing in reverse for his arrival at the end of the day.
It would be wonderful to say that we’re in a better place now, but that wouldn’t be the whole truth. In many homes, the father isn’t present at all. Divorce, absenteeism, or even the origin story of the child result in dads being out of the picture. Maybe they pay child support, and maybe they don’t, but they’re not physically present to contribute to the life of the family. As much as we discount the importance of fatherhood, we’ll never beat the rap of statistics that show us that our families and children are worse off because of it.
Parenting isn’t just for nights and weekends. It’s not for the little times you can carve out during the week. It’s an all-time job. If you aren’t actively teaching your children, your actions are doing the job for you. They’re always watching and observing. From time to time, they’ll share an insight that will confound you, but it will demonstrate that they are more attuned to the daily life in your home than you realize.
Parenting, and even the daily care for a child, isn’t a grand mystery and it isn’t hard to figure out. It takes a lot of effort, and belief in yourself, but it’s totally possible. So yes, you can lead arts and crafts and do a great job. You can go out shopping for kids clothes and come home with some reasonable options. You can do anything that you apply yourself to.
Soft Power
In the world of international diplomacy, there are two main forms of exerting pressure on another nation. The first is hard power. That’s to say, military force. If you want to bend another nation to your will, you can take direct military action and try to force their hand. The second, and perhaps more effective, is soft power. Soft power is influence. In diplomacy it consists of lobbying, economic aid, and other tools by which you can try to win the hearts and minds of your opponent.
Like any nation, soft power is the most effective tool that any parent has in their kit. Children deeply desire to be pleasing to their parents. It’s almost as if when they rebel or question, they’re pained to be going against their nature. Their desire to express autonomy conflicts with their desire to make their parents happy. The emotional explosion from that conflict can be hard to contain.
When children, particularly young children, are disobedient or not listening, the reason behind this poor behavior can be hard to discern. They may be tired, hungry, or conflicted over an unrelated issue. So while my first instinct is to enforce discipline, my first action should actually be a mini-investigation. If I can solve the underlying problem, my little angel will reemerge and happily do as she’s told.
Discipline must be enforced evenly and consistently, a struggle that we all face. There are days when I don’t feel like prolonging a fight. I’d much rather leave the problem alone and change the subject. Children push the boundaries constantly, and what they’re asking for is to be shown where the line is. It can be very hard to see how heavily the consequences weigh on a child’s heart. In those moments when you want to give in and extend too much grace, you have to hold the line.
You’ll constantly hone and refine your discipline strategy, but make sure that you consider the weight of any situation before acting. Temper your own emotional response, address any underlying causes for the disobedience, and make sure that the process includes heavy doses of teaching, love, and affection.