Family Life
Deck Life
Our townhouse has a small and very cheap deck built onto the back. It doesn’t sit very high off the ground and the wood is in terrible shape. It was built sixteen years ago and hasn’t been treated, cleaned, or stained ever. While it’s nothing fancy, it’s a decent place to hang out. This year for my birthday, my parents got me several deck items from IKEA and now it’s an amazing place to hang out at night! If you have some outdoor space at your home, dress it up a bit and enjoy these summer nights outdoors with great company.
There’s something romantic about summer nights. The sun doesn’t set until late, and the relative cool of the evening brings relief after hot days. It’s magical to be outside, listening to great music, hanging out with friends, and enjoying a beer. It’s the kind of night that’s the stuff of legend. Yet, even if you don’t have friends over, it can be awesome to just hang
out with your wife, read a book, or watch a movie under the stars.
Beautiful nights should be enjoyed as much as days. When the weather is just right, I long all day for the sun to go down so that Alison and I can go out on the deck and enjoy the night. It’s slow-paced, relaxing, and just a great atmosphere. Hanging out on the deck brings the day to a perfect close. Plus, if you can see the stars from your home, it’s really an injustice for you not to go outside and enjoy them.
When you can, bring friends out onto your deck at night. Keep it to an intimate setting, but relax and enjoy the company. Nights under the stars and lit by soft deck lighting is the perfect fluid for great conversations. Laugh, eat, drink, and enjoy life.
Whether or not you have a deck, it’s just as important to enjoy the summer nights as it is to enjoy the summer days. So grill up some food, invite some friends over, and marvel at the night sky.
Take Care of Your Home
I’ve gotten into a bad habit lately, where I ignore most of my daily to-dos for the sake of getting more work done. While it does feel good to make significant progress on writing and web design, it feels miserable living in a home that’s unkempt. I know that it’s important to clean and I know how good it feels when everything is in its place, it’s just that sometimes I let things get away from me.
Many times we underestimate the power of cleanliness. Your town likely has an ordinance requiring your lawn to be well kept, yet do we really appreciate the look of a well maintained lawn or do we mow just to avoid the fine? Occasional major cleanups are required, but regularly taking time to tend to your home’s interior and exterior can cause a huge shift in mindset and environment. Taking care of your home’s interior and exterior are important tasks.
Let’s talk about the interior. Every once in a while, your house needs a serious scrubbing. Baseboards, ceilings, laundry rooms, closets, cabinets and the like typically get glazed over during weekly or biweekly cleaning. Things can get really out of hand especially in closed spaces like closets and cabinets. Major cleaning projects should focus on all of these unloved areas. Regular cleaning should be based on the principle of putting away instead of putting down. That means that instead of the dishes going in the sink, they go in the dishwasher. Instead of the mail going on the dining room table, it’s processed, distributed, and discarded.
Living in an apartment is nice because you don’t have to worry about landscaping. Now that Alison and I are living in a townhouse, I’ve become very interested in maintaining our exterior’s appearance. Every Saturday I mow the lawn, cut back weeds, and wash the car. It’s a nice little routine and it’s made Sunday extremely relaxing. All of the work is done and our exterior looks amazing and in a word, inviting. There’s usually larger gardening and landscaping projects to be done from time to time. These larger projects should be done because it can make your house feel more like a home.
In addition to handling the major cleaning and yard work, you most likely have a honey-do list. This list gets its name from your wife asking you to do things, but there are also things that you see that need to get done. They are usually smaller jobs like fixing a window treatment, hanging something, replacing a door lock, or making some other adjustment. All of these little things need to be addressed, but they also give you quick wins. After knocking several of these items off your to-do list, you’ll feel a real sense of accomplishment.
Taking care of your home is time consuming, but it can also be a point of pride as a husband. Living in a home that’s clean and well maintained will preserve the integrity of the structure. Take the time to clean your home’s interior, take care of yard work outside, and complete items on your honey-do list.
Take Advantage of Living Close
Thankfully, for the nearly three years of our marriage, Alison and I have always lived close to family. That wasn’t my experience growing up as my family moved across the country and around the world. While living in Michigan, we were about 2 miles from her parents and now that we’re living in Virginia, we’re about 90 minutes from my parents. It’s been a new and somewhat strange experience to see my family on a regular basis. In Michigan, we’d often go over to Alison’s parents house for dinner and about once a month now, my dad comes over to go to breakfast with Benedict and I. I know that this closeness won’t last since life changes will inevitably to spread us apart, but I’m making a conscious effort to take advantage of the close proximity while I can.
There’s lots of opportunities for get togethers when you’re an adult and live close to your parents. Birthday parties, Mother’s Day, random day trips, and even play dates all happen on a regular basis. As a young parent, that also means that inexpensive baby sitters are always close at hand, allowing more flexibility for Alison and I’s schedule while affording aunts, uncles, and grandparents more playtime with Benedict. It’s a small reminder of days gone by, when there was a greater emphasis on community and family life. By taking advantage of spending time with parents and extended family who live relatively close by, you strengthen the bonds that you have with those people and give your children the opportunity to form lasting ones as well.
It always seems that we don’t know what we had until it’s gone. While many people will live in the same town all their lives, the economy is driving more and more career related moves or even simply lifestyle moves. Your job might change, your wife might get a promotion, or your parents might move to a home where it’s warm to celebrate their retirement. Something, somewhere will happen and that will cause a move, perhaps one that’s a significant distance away. By taking advantage of the time that you do have, you won’t regret it when the opportunity is no more.
There’s plenty of ways to take full advantage of living nearby. My dad’s monthly breakfast idea is a very creative one. Other ideas are a regular (weekly?) family meal, summer hikes, winter sledding, or even just a night out on the back deck every once in a while. Incorporate everyone’s interests and have some fun. Make great memories and cherish this golden opportunity that you have.
Living close to family can be a great relief to both parents and their adult children. Bonds are maintained, children are raised, and life is shared. While it may not last forever, be sure to take full advantage of the blessing and fun of living in close proximity to your family.
Be Okay Being Alone
It used to be that I’d take my regular walks alone. Before Benedict arrived, and even in his first few months of life, while it was bitterly cold outside, I’d spend about an hour a day doing my walk in solitude. I’d have a set path that I’d take and while walking I’d listen to podcasts. It was a great time to clear my head, be alone with my thoughts, and think. I’d encourage you to find some time in your week to clear your head by being alone.
You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Between work, your wife, and your kids, you’re a busy guy. Your responsibilities include meeting work deadlines, meeting your wife’s needs, and raising your children. These three areas alone are enough to fill your day, and you haven’t had time to take care of yourself yet. In order to be a good husband and father, you need time and space to process the events of your life.
Space lends perspective. It lowers stress and leads to new ideas. My simple 60 minute walk was all that I needed to get great exercise, to become healthier, and to process my day. Your space may be different. It might be woodworking, running, plumbing, bicycling, or reading. No matter what your space looks like, use it on a daily basis.
The tricky part with fitting space in your life is that you shouldn’t do it at the expense of your family. There are appropriate times during the day where you can gain the benefits of space and time alone without reducing time with your family or interfering with their schedule. It might be early in the morning or late at night, but it’s in there somewhere. It might also be while the kids are in school and your wife is at work. Speaking of your wife, she could use some alone time, too! Give it as a gift to her. Watch the kids while she gets some space, or remove the expectation that you spend the evening together by giving her some time to take a bath or read a book.
We’re uncomfortable with silence and we’re uncomfortable being alone. Yet, it’s precisely in the silence and it’s precisely in the time when we’re alone that true rest and rejuvenation hide. Our best ideas come out, we process the events of our lives, and we emerge from this time with our batteries fully charged. Take time to be alone, take time to get some space, and do it at a time and in a place where you have no other obligations.
It’s Okay to Rest
Go, go, go, go. The frantic pace of our lives has gotten really out of control. We run all day at work, only to get home and have precious few hours to recharge our batteries before starting a new day. Of course, those hours are often broken up by more work in the form of business emails, finishing up presentations, and work on other projects. We’ve become a culture that celebrates busyness for the sake of busyness, to the detriment of our wellness. The employee who works all day and goes home to work for several more hours is praised as a performer. The employee who works for 8 hours and then goes home and rests is reprimanded and regarded as lazy. We’ve forgotten that rest isn’t a bad thing, and that it actually allows us to move forward.
A few weeks back, I was working on a project for a client. I spent an entire week’s worth of working hours (and beyond) trying to get the first phase over the finish line. Admittedly, I could’ve slowed my pace and taken a bit more time, but I was determined to finish. I spent every waking moment that I wasn’t caring for Benedict working on that project. At the end of the week, I hit my goal, but the rest of my life was in shambles. I hadn’t been reading, I hadn’t been resting, and I hadn’t been praying. I was behind on everything. I resolved to change my schedule and to only work Monday - Friday. The fact is, rest isn’t earned, it’s a gift. It’s a gift for us to be able to slow down and enjoy the little things in life. Downtime isn’t a bad thing.
Our connectedness is part of the problem. Work is on your phone and your phone is always on you. Therefore, you think about work when you really shouldn’t. It creeps up on you in the evening and it creeps up on you on the weekend. In order to take back our off time, we need to first put in place measures that’ll prevent us from working during non-work times. Close out all programs on your computer, turn off work-related phone notifications, and make it really hard to get to your work things without consciously reaching out for them. You also need to give yourself permission to not work. There will always be more work and it’ll be waiting for you the moment that you go back to it. There’s no rush at night and there’s no rush on the weekend.
It’s important to note that we’re the keepers of our time. If you want to not have your work creep up on you in the evening and if you want your weekends back, you need to get your work done in the time that you’ve allotted. That means fewer coffee breaks, shorter lunches, and less time surfing. Have a clearly defined to-do list and do only those things. Find ways to be efficient and practice discipline to meet goals ahead of deadlines. If you do all that you need to do in the day, then there’s no reason for you to work in the evening.
We implement all of this discipline for two reasons. First, because you need it. You need a break from work in order to be your best when you’re at work. You need a break to read, watch a movie, or have a beer on your deck. Second, because your family needs it. Your wife wants to spend time with you in the evening after a day apart and your children want to play with you. Don’t miss their lives because you didn’t do what you needed to do during the day.
Rest isn’t earned, it’s a gift. Be diligent in the working hours and at peace in your resting hours.
Do Something Amazing this Summer
Believe it or not, the summer months are upon us! Schools will soon be shuttering their doors for the season and temperatures will continue to rise, allowing for a more robust daily outdoor schedule. Summer signals more than just a season of rest, relaxation, and recreation; it signals the midpoint of the year.
Amazingly we’re almost half-way through 2015. You might find that thought a bit terrifying. It’s not that time is moving too quickly, it’s that our New Year’s plans and resolutions are probably looking very different right about now. New things have become more important and maybe you never really got your resolutions and goals off the ground. The good news is, summer is a great new opportunity for us to get the ball moving in the right direction.
I don’t want to let this summer season wash over me. I want to do something amazing! I want to sit down at my desk one morning this Fall and report back that this was the best summer ever! Yet, neither of us will be able to make that claim unless we declare today to be the starting line. Weight loss, working on a passion project, or trying something totally new are all compatible with the hope and newness of summer. Spring woke us up and summer is pushing us out of the nest into the great wide world. Don’t defer your dreams for another six months for January 1, get into gear now!
Spend time with your family, work on your marriage, go on outings, take advantage of work slow downs and enjoy the great outdoors. Put down your phone, pick up a book and explore new worlds. These are all the things that summer was made for. The start of summer is here full of hope, excitement, and opportunity. Press the reset button and start running after your dreams!
Sunday Afternoons
I love Sunday afternoons. Many people don’t really like them since they start to feel the Monday creep, but for me, I find them to be incredibly relaxing. All of the housework was done on Saturday, leaving the docket completely clear on Sunday. These wonderful afternoons are also the perfect time for some much needed family time.
As I’ve written in the past, I’ve made the move to keep Sunday as a day of rest, meaning that everything chore that needs to get done on the weekend, I take care of by Saturday evening. If you have kids in school, for them it means getting both chores and homework done by the end of the day on Saturday. Perhaps one of the biggest contributors to the Monday creep on Sunday is that there are loose ends that didn’t get tied off. If you must work over the weekend, get it out of the way as soon as you can so that you can clear your head and just focus on relaxation.
Sunday afternoon should be a standing appointment on your whole family’s calendar; nothing else should be allowed. If kids want to hang out with their friends or go to a movie, they have Friday night and all day Saturday to do it. Sunday is sacred, not just in a spiritual sense, but also in a family sense. It should be set apart from the other six days for your family to be together.
The way that your family spends Sunday is totally up to you and it should vary widely. Morning will most likely be devoted to Mass and breakfast. No matter how early you get to Mass, you’ll still probably find that by time everything with breakfast is over, it’ll be near noon. That means that the afternoon is your time for family activity. It should not only vary by week, but also by season. In the spring, summer, and fall, you should do as much in the great outdoors as possible. Go to a park or playground, go on a hike, explore some eco-tourism, play at the beach, float down a river, or any other number of things. In the winter months you may ski or snowboard, but more likely you’ll all want to stay inside where it’s warm. This is the time to go the movies (or watch one at home), play board games, read together, cook together, or do similar activities together.
The family is the second most important relationship that your children will have in their lifetimes. The only way to grow a relationship is to spend quality time together and Sunday afternoons afford the perfect opportunity for just that. Migrate your family’s schedules to a reserved Sunday schedule and enjoy God’s day as a day of rest and recreation for your family, free from the burdens and stress of the rest of the week.
For Granted
In life, it becomes incredibly easy to take things for granted. Small joys and simple pleasures tend to melt into the background after their initial newness fades. Something as wonderfully cute as a snoring baby can amount to little if we don’t consciously take a moment to enjoy it.
We spend most of our time looking forward or looking backward. We want to reach that next step, it will be better. We want to look at the past, it was better. When we do this, we forget to enjoy the here and now. When we spend too much time looking forward or backward, we miss out on the opportunities and joys that today has in store for us.
Our children are only young for so long. Your wife won’t be around forever. Don’t allow yourself to take the most precious things in your life for granted. These treasures are meant to be enjoyed.
Live today and be grateful for all of the little things that you have.
Peace Starts at Home
When we were younger, my brother and I fought. A lot. This was to the benefit of my sister, since our punishment was typically to work together cleaning the kitchen, meaning she had months of practically no kitchen cleaning chores. I remember, after one disagreement, my dad telling us, “If we can’t have peace at home, how can we expect to have peace in the world?” Following the news of the conflict in the Ukraine makes me grateful to be an American. I’m grateful that we have safety and security in our own homes and neighborhoods and don’t go to sleep at night afraid that our house will accidentally be shelled by artillery.
Our world has a vast array of cultures, ethnicities, and modes of thought. Each of us carries our own unique worldview, which has been informed by our upbringing and experiences. What my dad told my brother and I all those years ago still rings true today; in order to end violence and hatred in the world, we must start in our homes.
At the end of the day, you control you. You control your emotions and reactions to any given situation. You decide how you’ll act and how you’ll respond. Whether it be a potential conflict with your wife, child, coworker, or neighbor, it’s up to you to choose your actions. There’s a growing interest in scientific research into the reaction of the brain to outbursts of anger. Toxins are released into the body which, long term, can contribute to poor health. Even when a great injustice is done to you, you can still choose to patiently, calmly, and forcefully, respond. Although no one would argue that it’s an easy choice.
If we can’t have peace at home, where can we? Our single biggest opportunity to influence the world for the better is through our children. Kids take all of their cues from their parents, which means that if you model a strong, calm demeanor, they’ll take note. Families also provide a great opportunity for us to be able to learn how to work with people. As a microcosm of society, the family gives us a small playground to test out emotions and reactions to different situations. Often, we respond poorly, and need to make amends. At other times, however, we can respond with the strength and calm that we espouse, and can see the real, immediate impact. It’s of the utmost importance that we labor endlessly to foster and promote peace in our family. After all, if the proverbial world peace cannot be achieved, we can at least make progress in our tiny corner of the world.
Not surprisingly, attitudes towards people are generally formed in one’s youth. In today’s society, those attitudes most often are formed with a political basis. A family who are members of one political party will trash talk the opposing party and the child will likely assume the political views of their parents. In some cases, there may even be a degree of racism passed on. We can help stop the cycle with the next generation. The struggle will be overcoming our own views and presenting a clean view to our children. Instead of teaching kids that they’re entitled to something or should be given certain advantages because of past injustices, we should teach them to have pride in who they are and to share their story with the world.
We will not have peace anywhere until we can have peace in our homes. By better controlling our reactions, modeling good behavior for our kids, and teaching them to have pride in their heritage, we can bring peace to the world, home by home, block by block, and community by community.
Prepare for Adventure
I don’t know where I’ll be living in two years. In fact, I can only think of one other time in my life when I lived in a house for more than two years, and that was my Junior and Senior years of high school. During college I was only living at home part of the year, meaning that my current stint in Virginia will be the longest I’ve ever lived in one place. As of right now, Alison and I have no idea where we’ll move when she graduates from residency, but I know it’ll be an adventure.
Life offers us all endless opportunities to try new foods, experience new activities, and visit new places. I hope that you’re prepared to enjoy the adventure that life has ready for you, no matter how old you are.
Given my relatively transient life, it’s all too easy for me to consider pulling up stakes and moving to a new town every year or two. In fact, it’s truly the only life that I’ve ever known. It’s from my experience that I hold the belief that we should all be ready and willing to leave the nest and explore the wide open world. Don’t be timid, take a chance and enjoy the adventure of life!
There are all types of adventures that we each get to experience. Parenting is certainly one of them. When Benedict started walking, I was floored (pun intended). I knew it was coming, but to finally see this little guy moving around on two legs, after having known him when he couldn’t even roll over on his own, is so much fun. The best part is the excitement and pride that he has in himself. Each step is deliberate and a cause for joy and celebration. Of course, parenting also has its challenges and I know I’ll have some rough days because of the things that he’ll do. I’m early in this adventure, but I know that despite the hardships, it’s going to be incredible.
We also have adventures of new jobs and careers. You may experience the devastation of a job loss or the uncertainty of a company teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. Although any situation that involves job security can be terrifying, with the right perspective, it doesn’t have to be entirely uncomfortable. Change does present challenges, but it also presents lots of opportunity. You may lose your job, but you might get a better one. You may go on a vacation that’s a complete disaster, but because of the disaster, your family gets to spend lots of quality time together. Challenges are difficult to endure, but as with most things in life, it’s all about perspective.
The best way to experience adventure is to do so with your family. Hold them close and take the leap together. Make choices based on the best interest of your family, and make them with your wife. The absolute best part about being an American is that if this new adventure doesn’t work out, you can always find a new one. There will be another town that you could move to, another activity to try, or another company to work for. Moves are rarely fatal. The world is your oyster, waiting to meet you and share it’s best fruits with you.
We’ve been given this one life. Take care of your health, be open to change, and experience the adventure of a lifetime with your family.