Fatherhood
Servant Leadership
Many people want the title, pomp, and circumstance that comes with leadership. They crave the seniority, the deference, the perks, the reserved parking spot, and the corner office. Few want the responsibility. Leadership is about serving, not being served. As a true servant leader, Jesus taught us that. He didn’t seek praise or preferential treatment. Instead, He did the things that no one else wanted to do. He spoke to people that others looked down upon and He challenged every social norm. He challenged us in order to lead us to Truth. He was a servant leader all the way to the cross.
Everything that you do throughout the day should be seen through the lens of service. That vision includes tasks that you enjoy and those that you detest. When you’re bored, agitated, lonely, or exhausted, keep pushing forward. Your kids may not say anything, and they may not seem to notice, but they see everything. Your sons are forming the idea of the father that they ought to be. Your daughters are painting a picture of their future spouse.
It can be overwhelming to acknowledge that every action you take is analyzed so deeply. What about when you make a mistake or fall down? Imperfection is part of the human experience and your children are watching to see how you react. Will you apologize and make amends? Will you give up and fall further? You’re teaching them how they should respond to their own faults and failures.
You’re the leader of your household and your family. Your attitude, behavior, and language sets the tone in your home. A warm, loving, safe, and welcoming environment hinges, in large part, on you. Servant leaders build communities and spaces that make a house feel like a home. A selfish little boy trapped in a man’s body can never build that kind of home for his family.
Developing into a servant leader is the work of a lifetime. It’s a habit that must be practiced, and refined, daily. There will be plenty of successes, and more than a few misses. Never become discouraged; change and renewal is always possible. Make better choices each day and stay faithful to that commitment.
Read A Book
When you think about your overall health, or even your performance as a stay-at-home dad, I want you to think in terms of balance. Like a body builder who ensures that his routine doesn’t neglect any major group of muscles, take the time to work on each major aspect of your life. That’s what this chapter is all about. Your intellectual growth is just as important as your spiritual or physical health. Reading before bedtime can also be a great sleep aid. On nights when I read immediately before laying down, I will typically fall asleep in minutes.
Many of us haven’t read a single book since our formal schooling ended. That’s a huge mistake. Libraries, bookstores, and online retailers are filled with titles on any number of subjects. The rise of tools for independent publishers has allowed even more minds and ideas to share their stories and manuscripts with the world.
Books can be entertaining. Reading fiction is an important part of a reader’s diet. It allows for the willing suspension of disbelief and for the mind to be at rest. Fiction doesn’t require the brain to do much heavy lifting. Rest is an important component of a healthy life, and a healthy brain.
I never walk away from a book without at least one thing that I can do to change or improve some aspect of my life. In order to be a well-rounded dad, you need to read. Find books and authors that write on subjects that you’re interested in. Read one or two books on parenting each year. Read one or two books on relationships or personal finance every year. Books are the cheapest education available in the market today.
All-Time Fatherhood
Expectations of fathers change over time. There was a period of time where the only requirement of fathers was to pursue their career for the good of the family. This is the nuclear age, Leave it to Beaver, model in which the mother manages the children, the shopping, and the cleaning. The man would get up, get ready for work, and come downstairs to a prepared breakfast. Same thing in reverse for his arrival at the end of the day.
It would be wonderful to say that we’re in a better place now, but that wouldn’t be the whole truth. In many homes, the father isn’t present at all. Divorce, absenteeism, or even the origin story of the child result in dads being out of the picture. Maybe they pay child support, and maybe they don’t, but they’re not physically present to contribute to the life of the family. As much as we discount the importance of fatherhood, we’ll never beat the rap of statistics that show us that our families and children are worse off because of it.
Parenting isn’t just for nights and weekends. It’s not for the little times you can carve out during the week. It’s an all-time job. If you aren’t actively teaching your children, your actions are doing the job for you. They’re always watching and observing. From time to time, they’ll share an insight that will confound you, but it will demonstrate that they are more attuned to the daily life in your home than you realize.
Parenting, and even the daily care for a child, isn’t a grand mystery and it isn’t hard to figure out. It takes a lot of effort, and belief in yourself, but it’s totally possible. So yes, you can lead arts and crafts and do a great job. You can go out shopping for kids clothes and come home with some reasonable options. You can do anything that you apply yourself to.
Soft Power
In the world of international diplomacy, there are two main forms of exerting pressure on another nation. The first is hard power. That’s to say, military force. If you want to bend another nation to your will, you can take direct military action and try to force their hand. The second, and perhaps more effective, is soft power. Soft power is influence. In diplomacy it consists of lobbying, economic aid, and other tools by which you can try to win the hearts and minds of your opponent.
Like any nation, soft power is the most effective tool that any parent has in their kit. Children deeply desire to be pleasing to their parents. It’s almost as if when they rebel or question, they’re pained to be going against their nature. Their desire to express autonomy conflicts with their desire to make their parents happy. The emotional explosion from that conflict can be hard to contain.
When children, particularly young children, are disobedient or not listening, the reason behind this poor behavior can be hard to discern. They may be tired, hungry, or conflicted over an unrelated issue. So while my first instinct is to enforce discipline, my first action should actually be a mini-investigation. If I can solve the underlying problem, my little angel will reemerge and happily do as she’s told.
Discipline must be enforced evenly and consistently, a struggle that we all face. There are days when I don’t feel like prolonging a fight. I’d much rather leave the problem alone and change the subject. Children push the boundaries constantly, and what they’re asking for is to be shown where the line is. It can be very hard to see how heavily the consequences weigh on a child’s heart. In those moments when you want to give in and extend too much grace, you have to hold the line.
You’ll constantly hone and refine your discipline strategy, but make sure that you consider the weight of any situation before acting. Temper your own emotional response, address any underlying causes for the disobedience, and make sure that the process includes heavy doses of teaching, love, and affection.
Like an Abbot
St. Benedict is a well known figure within Catholicism, but his impact had a direct role on the preservation of Western Culture. Benedict grew up in an affluent Italian family and was sent to Rome to continue his studies. While there, he applied himself to his schooling, but was appalled by the moral weakness of his peers. In frustration, he fled.
Benedict sought, as many of his contemporaries did, to find and connect with God through asceticism. By rejecting the comforts of daily life, though by modern standards they were anything but, these men and women sought to enter into relationship with God by removing all distractions and obstacles. Benedict lived, for a time, in a cave below a monastery.
Benedict’s holiness became well know throughout the country, and pilgrims would journey to visit with him and to seek counsel. Eventually, some sought to join with him in his life of work and prayer. At first, Benedict did not want to engage in this path. After all, he lived in a cave so that he could be free from distraction and lead a simple life. Taking on the responsibility of creating and leading a religious community stood opposed to his basic goals.
Benedict may have left the cave and assumed leadership, but his principles came with him. His Rule is very strict, and many of his followers buckled under the pressure. On more than one occasion, they conspired to kill Benedict, only to be thwarted by divine intervention. Benedict’s rule, in its simplicity, gained popularity among successive religious orders. Today, Benedict is regarded as the Father of Western Monasticism. Through his Rule, Benedict inspired many of the religious communities who worked diligently through the Middle Ages to preserve and protect the arts and humanities of Western civilization. We owe him a debt of gratitude.
In Chapter 27, St. Benedict describes how an Abbot is to act towards a brother who has been removed from the community for offenses against the order. Benedict emphasizes that the Abbot should take great care not to punish the wayward brother, but rather, to remedy the situation. Excommunication isn’t a punishment, but a plea for reconciliation. Benedict writes that the Abbot should remember that his role is to care for the sick, not tyranny over the strong.
All fathers are the Abbot of their families. We’re are charged with care for the weak, not tyranny over the strong. This kind of service requires tremendous humility. We must summon the energy and courage to care for our children even when they don’t cooperate.
The number one virtue that you must have, in order to fulfill your mission, is humility. You must have the strength of character to accept your role and serve your children with everything that you’ve got. You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to give it your best effort every single day.
The Abbot of a community gets the title, and the mitre, but they also get all of the responsibility. They’re accountable to the community for the care of the members, for setting a vision, and maintaining the monastery. Dads occupy the same space. We have the responsibility to enforce uniform discipline, adequate nutrition, and health and safety.
Parenting is never easy. Overcoming challenges and parenting successfully is within our control. It’s a high standard, but the kind of lofty aspiration that aligns perfectly with masculinity. We have the grit and tenacity to take on this lifestyle, and to do it well.
Goodbye, PBS Kids
Parenting in every era has its unique challenges. It’s never been easy and the challenges are always different. One aspect of parenting is allowing your children to be children. The innocence of a child, once lost, can never be restored. It’s no longer enough to keep your kids from physically being surrounded by influences that you believe are bad for them. In a digital age, those people can get to your kids without ever meeting them.
I’ve always known that I should watch shows and movies before I let my children see them. But like you, my time is limited, and I’m guilty of turning shows on and trusting that they’ll be educational and not controversial. When it comes to television, I’ve been fairly strict with what I show my kids. I use television as a way to broaden their horizons and show them programs that educate them in a way that I can’t on my own. For example, I don’t have a pet elephant, but Wild Kratts can teach them about elephants in a visual way. With that set of objectives, they almost exclusively watched PBS Kids. That changed with the latest season of Arthur.
In the first episode of the current season, the producers at PBS decided to showcase the wedding of teacher Mr. Ratburn to another man. A show with a solid track record of teaching positive values to children was hijacked for a distinctly political purpose; Arthur was weaponized. An agenda employed the tool as an avenue to normalize a behavior to children. That’s wrong.
PBS Kids has lost credibility as a reliable partner for parents. I now need to watch any show on the network before allowing my children to see them. Instead, I will simply delete the app from our television. For television time, I will now buy selected episodes of shows that I know aren’t actively subverting my parental authority.
We’re on the precipice of reaching my goal of zero screen time.
Parents are the gatekeepers for their children. Our job is to protect them, to give them a solid moral education, and to reject anyone who would lie to them. It’s regrettable that PBS took this route. Then again, my kids stand to benefit by the added quality time we’ll be spending together. And for that, I thank PBS Kids.
Shepherd Your Flock
Parenting takes courage.
I’m the parent of three small children. I stay home with them during the day, and am so grateful to have Alison there with me in the evenings and on weekends. We’re a team, and we’re constantly exhausted. Some days I struggle to get out of bed and make good on the commitments that I’ve made. There’s seldom quiet and no break is ever long enough.
There’s solace in recognizing that all parents of small children feel this same way. I often feel like I’m failing. I feel like I’m failing to set a good example, to be consistent, and to keep the house running while being engaged with my kids. My goal is to have the kitchen cleaned and toys put away before bed, but more often than not, I’m spending the first part of the next day finishing up tasks from the day prior.
As if that weren’t bad enough, I have an entire culture out there trying to lie to my children. They’re trying to sell them loser language, excuses, and laziness. They’re telling my children to rebel against me and enjoy a life of no discipline, and no regrets.
I have many of the scars from believing people other than my parents. I don’t want to pass that legacy on to them.
But I’m not a loser. I’m a victor.
That’s why no matter how hard I get beat down, I always get back up. I’m tired, I’d love a break, and I’d love to just go with the flow, but that’s not good enough for my children. I may not have done today perfectly, but when my children close their eyes at night, they know that they are safe and they are loved.
Zero Screens
I have an ambitious goal. In many ways, it may appear opposed to who I am as a person. I consider myself to be well versed in technology. I stay up to date on the latest news, and many of my RSS subscriptions (see what I mean?) are of tech blogs.
Goal: zero minutes of screen time per week for my kids.
Technology is great, but there are a lot of pitfalls, especially for children. Alison and I have a set of ideals and values that we want for our children to learn. I know that my children have tremendous capacity for creativity, which they demonstrate in small ways each day. The problem is that content creators and app developers are sneaking in the front door, and that gives them the opportunity to tell my kids things that I’d rather they not learn.
I have to admit, the onus for this change is on me. When I have a lot to do and need a burst of time to get things done, turning on the television is easy. Benedict loves calling people on his iPad, and even enjoying using the Bible app that’s installed.
For me, it comes down to opportunity cost. What could he be doing that’s expanding his horizons and broadening his mind instead of being closed off, focused on a screen? How could we deepen our relationship if we spent every minute working and playing, instead of periods of time apart?
It’s a big goal, a huge goal, and one that I think is worth pursuing. I’m going to take it one step at a time, and though it will be a challenge, I know the payoff will be worth the effort.
Comprehensive Sexual Education
Parents have to do many uncomfortable things, not least of which is provide their children with a sexual education. This is what it means to be a parent, to shepherd the hearts of their children and raise them in truth. Moms and dads are irreplaceable, and they must be people of courage and integrity. I think that parents yield too much of their responsibility to schools.
Schools were set up to assist parents in the education of their children. By providing subject matter experts and a safe environment, children could receive a quality education while parents went out into the marketplace to generate income and secure the family’s economic future. This is an excellent ideal and an equitable relationship. The problem is when the schools have to do too much parenting.
Take, for example, the sexual education of children. Teaching one’s children about their sexuality is a primary job for parents. This complex subject intersects with a child’s intellectual, physical, and emotional growth.
Children deserve a personalized, comprehensive sexual education that is age-appropriate and continual throughout their development. A one-time talk on the birds and the bees is grossly insufficient. From a very young age, children should be taught about love, and how new life is brought into the world. As they mature, they should be taught about the clinical functions of their reproductive system, its nature, and how it is to be mastered like any other part of their person. They should be taught the rightful place of the sexual act, as well as the consequences of its misuse. The overarching theme should be that of generosity. Human sexuality is ordered towards generosity, the building of bonds between spouses, and the generation of new life. It’s a beautiful and positive aspect of the human person, and it should be celebrated and treated with respect.
Comprehensive sexual education is a dog-whistle in schools for teaching kids about birth control and (the terribly misleading) “safe sex.” The other common type of curriculum is commonly known as “abstinence-only,” which has been proven to be ineffective. Of course, I’d argue that teaching kids about birth control isn’t doing too hot, either.
The real problem isn’t the method, its who’s doing the teaching. Teachers have far less credibility with a student on this subject than a parent does. Taken further, human sexuality needs to be laid on top of a moral and ethical foundation. How can a school be reasonably expected to provide adequate sexual education when there’s no consensus among the students on morality?
A child’s sexuality, and their comfort and confidence with regards to it, has a lasting impact on their choices throughout their life. They will learn about sex. If they don’t learn about it from their parents, then they will from their teacher, their peers, or porn on the Internet. Our children deserve so much more. Parents must have the courage to teach their children the truth of their sexuality and their physicality, and they must do so consistently over the course of their development.
Dear Father
I’m the youngest of three kids. Before I had my first child, I didn’t know anything about kids. I understand that my little ones may be confusing, but there’s something that I want you to know.
In their eyes, you’re a superhero. We talk about you regularly in our home, and always with respect for you and your office. That’s why they’re so excited to see you every Sunday morning. They giggle, wave, and even call out to you during the Mass. Sorry about that, they’re just seeing someone they truly admire.
I know that you want to keep a certain decorum and reverence during the Mass. I want that, too. But it’s ok for you to wave to them as you process in, or shake their little hand on the way out. It’s ok to flash them a smile as you preach your homily. When the come up with me during Communion, they love to receive a special blessing from you.
After Mass, my smaller ones may walk up to you and reach up towards you, asking to be held. Go ahead and pick them up! Shake their little hands, give them a hug, and tell them how happy you are to see them.
I love seeing how my kids so willing to let you know just how special you are to them. They are able to show externally the internal disposition that so many of us hold. You are very important in our lives, bringing us the Sacraments that we need to make it through the day.
I’m sorry if they’re distracting at times, but please, make sure they feel acknowledged. You’re helping my wife and I reinforce deep in their minds that Church is a wonderful place, it’s where they belong, and that our faith is foundational in our lives.