Plateaus
Over the past year or so, I’ve been on a mission to lose weight. To date, I’m down about 26 lbs with 10 more to go.
One of the difficult things about weight loss is that you will get some really good momentum going, but then you’ll plateau. Your body will hold steady at a certain weight and only fluctuate a pound or two.
These plateaus separate the men from the boys. The boys get frustrated, give up, and go back to their old habits. Six months later, they’re back to where they started, if not further. The men persevere. They understand the cycle of weight loss has some lulls, but that’s the time to dig in, not quit.
The same thing can be said about marriage.
You’ll have those “springtimes” where you and your wife are in sync and everything is moving on smoothly. You’ll also have “winters” that are long and difficult.
The winters are like the plateaus. They’re temporary, but in the moment they seem like they will never end.
So what are you. A boy or a man?
4 Reasons Your Pet is Not A Kid
If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I have a cat.
I adopted her three years ago and they have been an adventure!
Bringing her home was a lot of fun, and it was a new experience for me.
Growing up in the military, my parents didn’t think pets were a good idea. Since we lived on Base, they’d always tell us that military wouldn’t allow us (which wasn’t exactly true).
Over the years, I’ve become attached to Sophia. She likes to cuddle and has a wonderful temperament.
If you have a pet or two, I’m sure you like to share photos and stories as much as I do.
What I can’t stand is when people tell me how they don’t have kids because, “My pets are my kids.”
They’re wrong for 4 reasons.
- Pets don’t have souls. They don’t have power over their instincts. Their life does not transcend their physical bodies.
- They aren’t made in the Image and Likeness of God. God became Man. God did not become Puppy. Checkmate.
- They don’t share in God’s co-creating power. While animals can reproduce, they are only able to experience the physical act. They do not procreate with intentionality or with concern for the other, as only two married human persons can.
- They aren’t the fruit of your marriage. You and your spouse did not create them.
A child, as a human person, holds a higher station and dignity than a pet. Please treat them accordingly.
Community of Prayer
One evening I was traveling home from work. It was a nice summer evening, the sun had set and the city streets were alive.
As I was approaching home, all traffic stopped. An ambulance was approaching with its lights and sirens on. Someone needed help, and the ambulance needed to get there as soon as possible.
I stopped, as I always do, and prayed a Hail Mary for the medics and the patient. It’s something I was taught to do as a child.
After I completed my prayer, my thoughts turned in two directions.
First, I was thankful to be living in the United States where we have a fabulous emergency response network. No matter who you are or where you are, a single phone call can get help to you. That is a great blessing and something we should always be thankful for.
Second, I thought about the universality of the Church and our call as Catholic men to pray for one another. I’ve written in the past about praying for your wife and family, which should be daily prayers. But we are also called to pray for those we know and don’t know, inside and outside of the Church.
As you pray, whether it be when you hear a siren, or pass a Catholic Church, or whatever occasion prompts it, be sure to include those you are with in the prayer. It doesn’t just have to be a private event. This can be a powerful witness to your wife, children, and/or family.
Be men of faith, be men of prayer. Pray without ceasing.
Bonding
Bonding.
We all have our favorite “bonding” activities to do with our spouse. Maybe it is curling up with a good book, staying in and watching a movie, or going for a walk in the neighborhood.
I always thought that bonding was a nice idea, but it seemed to be just an emotional kick, and nothing more.
I was wrong.
While reading a book recently by a family counselor, I discovered that there is an entire body of research in the field of neuroscience that reinforces the positive effect of bonding.
As human persons, we are literally designed and wired to commit and bond with one person in our lives, especially in terms of sexuality.
When we enter into a sexual relationship, our bodies release chemicals that cause the bonding process to begin and strengthen. The longer you’re with the person, the more powerful the bond. It is like putting in a plug to an outlet, it is a perfect, easy fit. The chemicals cause your brain to develop a deep-rooted attachment to that person.
As your attachment grows, your brain starts to exhibit the feelings of missing that person, “warmth” when you’re around them, and terror at the thought of losing them forever.
The problem is that in our interchangeable society, when we “break-up” with a sexual partner, your brain doesn’t like it.
The author referred to it as taking a hammer and going crazy on the prongs of your plug. You then have bent prongs still trying to attach to the same outlet.
So, the next time you enter into a sexual relationship, your brain resists. Psychologists call this “defensive attachment.” You have to fight and struggle and you may get the plug to go into the outlet, but it is a tentative attachment, prone to easy disconnect.
As you might guess, defensive attachment is very unhealthy. Our brains were not made for temporary connections.
All of this very fascinating science points back to a simple fact. Those individuals who abstain from sex before they are married, and have only one sexual partner (their spouse) in their lifetime, have the best possible chance, from a neurobiological standpoint, at a lasting, satisfying, and fulfilling relationship.
Sold.
Carry On
There’s only one thing you can do when you fail: carry on.
There are going to be tough days.
There are going to be times when you’re upset.
You won’t be in top condition, and you’ll be short. You’ll snip. You’ll snipe.
Your wife will be the unwitting target.
It isn’t her fault, she just got caught in the crossfire.
All you need to do is give yourself permission to have a do-over.
Apologize to her, shake off what is bothering you.
Carry on.
The Art of Negotiation
One of the most critical skills you can develop in your marriage is the art of negotiation.
Marriage is all about compromise. Since you and your wife are two different people, you will have times where you completely disagree. However, more likely would be that you and your wife are similar viewpoints, so your disagreements may be over a minor part of something, as opposed to a major part or even the whole topic.
Any time you approach a major decision, enter into the negotiation process with a spirit of developing a win-win-win scenario.
It is a bad idea to try to rip your wife off. She’s not going anywhere. Ever.
It will take some time, but learn how she likes to negotiate. Understand how her thinking process works. It is probably not going to be your preferred method, but you have to gain her consensus, so deal with it.
When crafting a win-win-win, do the following.
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Make sure that she is benefiting in some way from the conclusion
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Make sure that you are benefiting in some way from the conclusion
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Make sure that you both benefiting is not going to negatively effect your family
Impulse buys are where the win-win-win are critical.
Say you and your wife are at an electronics store and see a Wii. You can both find ways immediately as to how it will benefit both of you. If you were just gaining mutual consensus, you’d be done.
But wait. You are two days away from getting your electricity cut-off from non-payment. That Wii money could be used to get your bill back in balance.
In this case, the Wii doesn’t meet the third criteria, so you must pass on it.
Gaining mutual consensus ensures that the decision that you’re about to make is going to do something for you and your wife.
Adding the third win makes sure it doesn’t screw up your life.
Marriage without Love
The first few months of your marriage are wonderful.
You learn that your new wife has some habits that annoy you, but all-in-all, it’s a sweet life.
Then, as time goes on, it becomes the new normal. It is your life and you move through it with the same attention to detail that you used to.
There’s only one small problem.
That plan won’t work.
I was watching a video recently that had two Evangelical Christians discussing how the Catholic Church teaches that the faithful merit Eternal Life by Works alone. Aside from the severe doctrinal inaccuracies of the statement, it got me thinking.
Faith, without Works, is dead. What good is it to have the gift of Faith and not do something with it?
In the same way, Marriage, without Love, is dead. Love is an action verb. It’s not how you feel. It’s a state of being.
Love in Marriage is the complete surrender, a daily life of joyful self-sacrifice. Love in Marriage is the active reminder to your wife why she is the only possible woman in the world you could ever enter into a lifelong commitment and raise children with.
It’s everything.
There Will be Problems
There is one thing that you can count on in marriage: there will be problems. If both of you are the same, then one of you is unnecessary.
Many people view problems or conflict as a sign of failure. I don’t think that’s true. Problems are a direct result of each of you being unique individuals.
Problems aren’t a failure. They are an opportunity.
I use the word opportunity a lot in my posts. That is because marriage is full of opportunities.
We have the opportunity to love well or to cause injury. The reason I use the word is because I firmly believe that opportunity abounds in places that we don’t go looking for it. We are constantly given chances to improve our marriages, to strengthen our bonds, to go deeper in friendship. Opportunity just usually presents itself as pain.
You cannot avoid problems in your marriage. If they are not present on the surface, they are eating one of you deep inside. The best thing to do is to prepare yourself for them.
You can’t be ready for every contingency, but you can be prepared to see problems as opportunities.
Each problem is different. Each problem requires you to react and maneuver in a different way. Being ready for them to arrive can help your emotional response. Instead of reacting in disgust, anger, or fear, you can react with confidence, trust, and patience.
You have not failed because you have problems. In fact, I could make the argument that you have succeeded. No problems happen without action. Action brings results and consequences. Action brings problems.
What is the alternative to action? Stagnation. Your relationship is never tried, you don’t learn to work together, so your marriage is just bland. Who wants that?
Yes, there will be problems. Yet, through those problems, you can go deeper into your marital bond. Who in their right mind would pass up a chance like that?
Let’s Fail at Sin
We spend too much time trying to fix our spouse.
When we have marriage problems, we’re the first to blame the other person. It’s normal. But, when we do, we overlook something quite obvious.
We’re probably the problem.
The good news is, we’re a problem that we can fix. The time for personal makeovers isn’t just at New Years. In fact, by seeking daily renewal, we can significantly improve how our spouse’s actions appear to us.
The problem is sin.
We weren’t the first to sin, but we sure are good at it! We fall into every little trap. It’s so bad that sometimes we go looking for sin!
The problem with sin is that it doesn’t just affect us. It affects the Body of Christ. It affects our spouse in a particular way.
Sin weakens charity. What does that mean? It gets in the way of our relationship with God, Who is Love. The further we get from God, the harder it is to not sin. The only way to get rid of sin is to understand it.
Many people wake up on New Years Day and resolve to lose 20 pounds. Two weeks later, they’re destroying row after row of Thin Mints. Why did they fail? Lack of willpower? Maybe. Lack of understanding. Definitely.
You have to understand why you are falling into a particular sin. You need to study the sin and your habits surrounding it. What makes you commit that sin more often? What causes you to move past the point of no return?
Once you understand why you sin, you can understand how to navigate around it. If you are constantly eating gluttonously, maybe you need to learn about techniques for portion control. Or perhaps you could avoid eating out in restaurants.
Another great way to identify where you are weak is through a daily examination of conscience. It’s basically a daily recap of where you went wrong. There are plenty of guides and pamphlets out there.
A daily examination of conscience helps you focus in on your failings and understand better where you need to work.
In our world, being a success is everything. You must try your hardest and win! I’ve got a better idea for today.
Let’s try to fail at sinning.
Time is Your Most Precious Commodity
Of all of the resources that you have at your command, time is the most precious.
Time, once spent, can’t be unspent.
Invested wisely, it can pay you dividends in quality of life. Used poorly, and you become filled with regret.
Time does something else amazing. It is able to show you what you truly value.
A few weeks ago, my wife and I went for a walk. It was a very long walk (9.4 miles). It took us almost four hours to complete!
As we were walking, I thought of all the other things that I could be doing. Since we started the walk at 1:00pm, the day would be mostly spent by the time we finished. I considered how I would evaluate my day when I slipped into bed.
Then it hit me.
This was an excellent use of my time! Not only were my wife and I working on our overall health, it provided us hours of uninterrupted quality communication. There were no distractions, except for nature. This was quality time.
The best way for you to figure out what you value is to put all of your events on a calendar. Then, after a week, review what you spent your days doing. If you don’t like what you see, change it.
It’s that simple.
Don’t waste your time doing things that don’t matter. Each day is a gift that deserves to be lived to the fullest!