Carry On
There’s only one thing you can do when you fail: carry on.
There are going to be tough days.
There are going to be times when you’re upset.
You won’t be in top condition, and you’ll be short. You’ll snip. You’ll snipe.
Your wife will be the unwitting target.
It isn’t her fault, she just got caught in the crossfire.
All you need to do is give yourself permission to have a do-over.
Apologize to her, shake off what is bothering you.
Carry on.
The Art of Negotiation
One of the most critical skills you can develop in your marriage is the art of negotiation.
Marriage is all about compromise. Since you and your wife are two different people, you will have times where you completely disagree. However, more likely would be that you and your wife are similar viewpoints, so your disagreements may be over a minor part of something, as opposed to a major part or even the whole topic.
Any time you approach a major decision, enter into the negotiation process with a spirit of developing a win-win-win scenario.
It is a bad idea to try to rip your wife off. She’s not going anywhere. Ever.
It will take some time, but learn how she likes to negotiate. Understand how her thinking process works. It is probably not going to be your preferred method, but you have to gain her consensus, so deal with it.
When crafting a win-win-win, do the following.
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Make sure that she is benefiting in some way from the conclusion
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Make sure that you are benefiting in some way from the conclusion
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Make sure that you both benefiting is not going to negatively effect your family
Impulse buys are where the win-win-win are critical.
Say you and your wife are at an electronics store and see a Wii. You can both find ways immediately as to how it will benefit both of you. If you were just gaining mutual consensus, you’d be done.
But wait. You are two days away from getting your electricity cut-off from non-payment. That Wii money could be used to get your bill back in balance.
In this case, the Wii doesn’t meet the third criteria, so you must pass on it.
Gaining mutual consensus ensures that the decision that you’re about to make is going to do something for you and your wife.
Adding the third win makes sure it doesn’t screw up your life.
Marriage without Love
The first few months of your marriage are wonderful.
You learn that your new wife has some habits that annoy you, but all-in-all, it’s a sweet life.
Then, as time goes on, it becomes the new normal. It is your life and you move through it with the same attention to detail that you used to.
There’s only one small problem.
That plan won’t work.
I was watching a video recently that had two Evangelical Christians discussing how the Catholic Church teaches that the faithful merit Eternal Life by Works alone. Aside from the severe doctrinal inaccuracies of the statement, it got me thinking.
Faith, without Works, is dead. What good is it to have the gift of Faith and not do something with it?
In the same way, Marriage, without Love, is dead. Love is an action verb. It’s not how you feel. It’s a state of being.
Love in Marriage is the complete surrender, a daily life of joyful self-sacrifice. Love in Marriage is the active reminder to your wife why she is the only possible woman in the world you could ever enter into a lifelong commitment and raise children with.
It’s everything.
There Will be Problems
There is one thing that you can count on in marriage: there will be problems. If both of you are the same, then one of you is unnecessary.
Many people view problems or conflict as a sign of failure. I don’t think that’s true. Problems are a direct result of each of you being unique individuals.
Problems aren’t a failure. They are an opportunity.
I use the word opportunity a lot in my posts. That is because marriage is full of opportunities.
We have the opportunity to love well or to cause injury. The reason I use the word is because I firmly believe that opportunity abounds in places that we don’t go looking for it. We are constantly given chances to improve our marriages, to strengthen our bonds, to go deeper in friendship. Opportunity just usually presents itself as pain.
You cannot avoid problems in your marriage. If they are not present on the surface, they are eating one of you deep inside. The best thing to do is to prepare yourself for them.
You can’t be ready for every contingency, but you can be prepared to see problems as opportunities.
Each problem is different. Each problem requires you to react and maneuver in a different way. Being ready for them to arrive can help your emotional response. Instead of reacting in disgust, anger, or fear, you can react with confidence, trust, and patience.
You have not failed because you have problems. In fact, I could make the argument that you have succeeded. No problems happen without action. Action brings results and consequences. Action brings problems.
What is the alternative to action? Stagnation. Your relationship is never tried, you don’t learn to work together, so your marriage is just bland. Who wants that?
Yes, there will be problems. Yet, through those problems, you can go deeper into your marital bond. Who in their right mind would pass up a chance like that?
Let’s Fail at Sin
We spend too much time trying to fix our spouse.
When we have marriage problems, we’re the first to blame the other person. It’s normal. But, when we do, we overlook something quite obvious.
We’re probably the problem.
The good news is, we’re a problem that we can fix. The time for personal makeovers isn’t just at New Years. In fact, by seeking daily renewal, we can significantly improve how our spouse’s actions appear to us.
The problem is sin.
We weren’t the first to sin, but we sure are good at it! We fall into every little trap. It’s so bad that sometimes we go looking for sin!
The problem with sin is that it doesn’t just affect us. It affects the Body of Christ. It affects our spouse in a particular way.
Sin weakens charity. What does that mean? It gets in the way of our relationship with God, Who is Love. The further we get from God, the harder it is to not sin. The only way to get rid of sin is to understand it.
Many people wake up on New Years Day and resolve to lose 20 pounds. Two weeks later, they’re destroying row after row of Thin Mints. Why did they fail? Lack of willpower? Maybe. Lack of understanding. Definitely.
You have to understand why you are falling into a particular sin. You need to study the sin and your habits surrounding it. What makes you commit that sin more often? What causes you to move past the point of no return?
Once you understand why you sin, you can understand how to navigate around it. If you are constantly eating gluttonously, maybe you need to learn about techniques for portion control. Or perhaps you could avoid eating out in restaurants.
Another great way to identify where you are weak is through a daily examination of conscience. It’s basically a daily recap of where you went wrong. There are plenty of guides and pamphlets out there.
A daily examination of conscience helps you focus in on your failings and understand better where you need to work.
In our world, being a success is everything. You must try your hardest and win! I’ve got a better idea for today.
Let’s try to fail at sinning.
Time is Your Most Precious Commodity
Of all of the resources that you have at your command, time is the most precious.
Time, once spent, can’t be unspent.
Invested wisely, it can pay you dividends in quality of life. Used poorly, and you become filled with regret.
Time does something else amazing. It is able to show you what you truly value.
A few weeks ago, my wife and I went for a walk. It was a very long walk (9.4 miles). It took us almost four hours to complete!
As we were walking, I thought of all the other things that I could be doing. Since we started the walk at 1:00pm, the day would be mostly spent by the time we finished. I considered how I would evaluate my day when I slipped into bed.
Then it hit me.
This was an excellent use of my time! Not only were my wife and I working on our overall health, it provided us hours of uninterrupted quality communication. There were no distractions, except for nature. This was quality time.
The best way for you to figure out what you value is to put all of your events on a calendar. Then, after a week, review what you spent your days doing. If you don’t like what you see, change it.
It’s that simple.
Don’t waste your time doing things that don’t matter. Each day is a gift that deserves to be lived to the fullest!
Do You
Do you love your wife?
Do you love your wife more than your favorite hobby?
Do you love your wife more than your worst vice?
Do you love your wife more than your favorite possession?
Do you love your wife more than your job?
Do you love your wife more than your friends?
Do you love your wife more than your children?
Do you love your wife more than your favorite pet?
Do you love your wife more than your favorite food?
Do you love your wife more than your favorite past time?
Do you love your wife more than yourself?
Do you?
Managing Routines
One of the most difficult things that I’ve encountered in the married life is how to balance routines.
I’m talking about the time (usually in the evenings on weeknights) where you both have competing goals.
For example, I have a set number of things that I need to do each evening. I’m very task orientated in that way. I’ll only consider a day a success if I can accomplish those things. Of course, they take time.
My wife is people-oriented. She has some things that she’d like to get done, but if they don’t, it’s not a big deal.
The issue comes in when I am trying to get my things done, and she wants to do something together.
Sure, I should be flexible… but not so flexible that I neglect my goals and then miss the mark.
So I’m going to turn this one over to you.
How should I respond when my wife asks to do something with me in the evening and I know it will derail my routine?
Go Ahead and Fail
GK Chesterton once said, “Anything worth doing is worth failing at.”
He wasn’t suggesting that we strive to do things poorly. He was saying that if a task is worth doing, then it is worth taking the risk of getting it wrong.
He was warning against perfectionism.
Striving for perfection is ok, but being a perfectionist to the detriment of the task is not.
What am I even talking about?
Being a husband is a daunting task. Your wife depends on you to lead, love, pray and grow. That is a tall order for us as men, especially with all of our flaws. We may let ourselves believe the lie that if we can’t be the perfect husband, we shouldn’t get married at all.
That is wrong. It’s wrong because this whole life is a learning experiment! Sure, we have guides and teachers to help us along the way (parents and other role models), but even the best guide knows that if the student doesn’t fail on their own, they will never be successful.
The enemy of starting something is perfection.
God doesn’t call us to be perfect, He calls us to strive for perfection.
Your wife doesn’t expect you to be perfect. She does expect that you would actually give your best effort and not mail it in.
Don’t be afraid of your faults and weaknesses. Embrace them, work through them, and then use your experience to help someone else.
Keeping Romance Alive
Having just celebrated our one year anniversary, I admit that I’m not an expert on the topic of romance.
After a year, things are still pretty fresh.
What I do want to point out is that the relationship between you and your wife is what sustains all other relationships in your house.
Infants and children understand that they are loved only in as much as they see the love between their parents.
The overall happiness in a household is largely guided by the happiness of the marital bond.
It is easy to let the marriage take a backseat to the activities of the house, but it is a mistake to do so.
We must be intentional in maintaining our life-long relationship with our spouse.
More than just our own happiness and fulfillment rely on it.