Faith is A Gift
The term “Cradle Catholic” is a phrase that is tossed around quite a bit. It refers to those Catholics who were given the Faith at their birth. This is, of course, as opposed to “Converts,” or people who converted.
I would fall into the Cradle Catholic category. I’ve never really been fond of the term, though. Sure, most of the Converts that I know are amazing Catholics who have great fervor for their faith. But that fervor shouldn’t take away from my own. As you probably know, your faith life is a marathon, not a sprint. It isn’t always perfect, and there are some seriously dark times in everyone’s faith walk. At the end of the day, we share the same faith, no matter who gave it to us or when we accepted it.
We have a tendency to want to control things. If we can’t control something, or we can’t fully understand it, we can easily write it off. Yet, the mystery of the faith was a genius design. As humans, we get bored, fast. As soon as we figure out the mystery, we move on. That’s why movies are (almost) never as good the second or third time around. It is the mystery of something that keeps us interested and engaged.
With our faith, we don’t have to have all of the answers. In fact, that’s part of what faith is. Believing without seeing.
The other day in Mass, the thought crossed my mind. How will I explain who God is to my son? Children, as you may know, can only truly comprehend what they have seen. My 7 year-old brother-in-law didn’t believe that I had a brother until we showed him pictures. So, how will I tell my son about God, a being who’s Resurrected body he won’t see until death?
Despite being a mystery, faith is truly a gift. It’s a gift that we must cherish, because it’s the gift that will carry us through any situation. It won’t always be glamours, it won’t always be fun, but it will be steadfast.
Heroic Virtue
Sainthood is our goal. But, sometimes we start to believe it is impossible. In those times, we fall into sin.
My recent experience of the birth of my son was unlike anything I could have ever imagined. My wife was admitted into the hospital for three days and I was her primary caregiver. Having had some experience with life as an inpatient, I knew that it was my role to manage her care, advocate for her, and make sure that we both had thorough understanding of her treatment.
As I reached the third day of very little sleep and several bumps in the road, I noticed that over the previous three days, I had completely abandoned my own needs. She and my child’s needs were always first. Nothing grossed me out, nothing got me upset, nothing bothered me. Whatever needed to be done, I did.
As I reflected, I found how I had felt those “honeymoon” feelings again, that springtime of love. The act of caring, the non-stop acts of love provided a boost not only to her, but to me.
I felt as if I had begun to understand what the term “heroic virtue” means.
On the road to canonization, the first step is for the Pope to recognize an individual’s heroic virtue. A recognition that their life truly exemplified the life that we are called to as members of the Body of Christ. It is easy to think that heroic virtue is reserved to only a few, but we are rapidly loosing that excuse.
We are riding on a wave of canonizations of people that we have lived with and met. Perhaps most notable is Pope John Paul II. During his decades long reign, we learned from him and watched his every move. We watched him bring down Communism, kiss lepers, and bravely persevere through a debilitating illness.
We learned about the dignity of the human person and the proper place of our human sexuality. He is someone that we could easily see as a person living the Christian Life well. He lived this life not because it was easy, not because he was the Pope, but because it was who he truly was as a human person.
Attaining sainthood is our goal. We aren’t going to make it if life is about us and our needs. We are provided countless opportunities every day to chose to live with heroic virtue. I, too often, chose the opposite because it’s more comfortable. But we aren’t supposed to be comfortable. Selflessness will help us reach our goal.
Marriage is a great incubator of Saints. We both know that being a husband is not easy. It comes with great satisfaction and fulfillment, but we are challenged daily. The best way for us to make that next step, that orientation towards the path of sanctity is to actively and daily chose to love and serve our wives before ourselves. By placing her needs before our own, we reduce our selfishness and make more room for love.
As I transition back home, I’m going to make a solid effort to maintain the level of love and concern I had for my wife in the hospital. I hope you’ll join me… just with your own wife.
Safe in Her Arms
Many of us have some major trust issues. We’ve all been hurt deeply by someone we love. Those experiences can be traumatizing to us at the time. They can also have lasting effects on our future relationships.
During my last year of high school, I became very sick. I was constantly missing class and the medications that I was on left me dazed and confused. Over the last several weeks of school, my friends drifted away and I lost most of my relationships. As an 18 year old getting ready to leave the nest for the first time, it was difficult to handle. I eventually adjusted quite well, and the whole experience led me to study Philosophy in college. However, years later, I found that I was behaving defensively towards people who had done nothing to offend my trust-in large part because of those bad past experiences.
The great thing about marriage is that it is lasting. It is a permanent commitment, a life-long bond. With that level of commitment, you are able to enjoy great trust with your wife. There will be times that she will hurt you, and you will hurt her, too. The great thing is that those small hurts will be resolved through contrition and the bond you share.
There is no shame in marriage. Your wife sees you for who you truly are… and loves you still! It is a glimpse into the love of the Divine, a love that you confer on each other in the marital embrace.
The law even assures this deep trust between spouses. There is a recognized legal term called “Spousal Privilege” which, in most cases, prevents one spouse from being compelled to testify against another.
This trust is deep, it is pure, and it is awe-inspiring. It is one of the many benefits of marriage.
Lay down your hurts, lay down your suspicions. She loves you, she wants what’s best for you, and you want the same for her.
Praying for Her
As husbands, we are called to support our wives. That support comes in many different forms. It may be materially, emotionally or mentally. It must include spiritually.
I’ve had good times in my spiritual life and I’ve had bad times. Of course, I prefer the good times. One of the main challenges that we face is when the prayer life becomes stale and too routine. Occasionally I change up what my morning and evening prayer look like. I never change it to the point where I’m not praying for my wife. She’s got a lot going on with her career and with our new baby. By praying for her, I can add another layer of support to her life.
We are the spiritual head of the household. Everything that we do affects our family and they will take our lead. If our family doesn’t pray together regularly, it’s because we haven’t caused that to happen.
In fact, I’d make the argument that we have tremendous influence in the spirituality of our family. I seriously doubt that your wife would resist your proposal to increase family prayer time. So, let’s make it happen.
Even if you have a great family prayer life, you need to have a solid personal prayer life to complement it. In those times you can especially intercede for your wife. You know when she’s hurting or scared or needs an extra boost. In those times, you can be there silently supporting her in ways that she doesn’t directly see. Yet, she’ll still benefit from the graces that your generous prayers gain for her.
Praying for your wife can help you more closely attend to her needs. As you pray, you draw closer to God, who sustains your marriage. As that relationship is strengthened, so will your relationship with your wife. It turns your focus even further from yourself and moves it to her. And that is a beautiful thing.
She needs your prayers. So pray.
How Nature Can Enhance Your Marriage
One of the biggest struggles that married couples face is the monotony of the normal. Married life, on a day to day basis, is quite normal and mundane. What marriages need are excitement and adventure!
I spent this past summer walking… a lot. I found an awesome route that fit perfecting into my time restraints. I drive the streets along my walking path daily. But there is something new and amazing about walking. I saw things, amazing things, that I never saw while driving. I saw flowers come and go, I watched families play, dogs run, and life happen. I saw amazing sunrises, breathtaking sunsets, and all types of clouds. I only got to experience all of those things because I spent time outside.
Quality time is important for your marriage. In fact, if you don’t have quality non-sexual bonding time with your wife, you’re going to have a long and difficult marriage. Nature presents the perfect solution to the boredom problem.
Outdoor activity with your wife can vary in intensity. It can be low-impact like walking or high-impact like mountain biking. You can hike a trail, relax on a beach, go swimming in an (outdoor) pool, or go for a jog. The activity can suit what you’re in the mood for and you can stop and start at any time!
It’s good for us to be outside! The air in your house has a lot of stale air. The outdoor expanse is fresh and new. It’s good for the soul!
Exercise can improve your overall health. As you experience nature together, you’ll both get healthier. That improvement in health will lead to many more (healthy) years together.
Nature is God’s gift to us. He created it all, and quite well! He made it so that we could engage with nature and enjoy it. The beauty alone is justification enough.
There are truly are endless possibilities. If you and your wife want to do it, you probably can. Horseback riding on the beach, walking barefoot in a field, sailing on a lake. Nature is an endless expanse of opportunity for activities.
If you’re looking for a way to grow with your wife, there’s no better place to do it than outside. You’ll make memories to last a lifetime and reap the health benefits to go along with it.
Men of Sacrifice
Growing up, my Dad always gave up the best portion to us.
I could never figure out why he didn’t take the largest piece of cake, or why he’d let us have the last cookie.
I was a child, so I thought as a child does. I was looking out for me. He was also looking out for me.
What we don’t realize as kids is that our parents are people, too. We have our own dreams and desires, but we can’t imagine, or even think to imagine, that our parents do too.
We want to go to Disney World, while our parents dream of climbing the Great Wall of China. We want to have dinner at a friend’s house while our parents dream of the family eating together.
This was really a great model for me.
Now, as a father, I see how that sacrifice is not just a sign of love, it is love. It imputes love to me, even if I’m not able to understand or even perceive it in the moment.
We sacrifice, but that doesn’t mean that we lose out. No, our giving up allows us to love our families more deeply, and that is a greater gain than the last cookie.
Invite Her to Your Element
A great thing about being married is that your spouse is not you.
You have been raised in a particular set of circumstances and with certain opportunities that have shaped you into the man you are today. You have your hobbies and interests because of your upbringing. That is awesome!
Being married makes it twice the fun!
Your wife is uniquely her own, which presents a great opportunity for shared learning. You have the chance to show her the things you’re passionate about and you get to share the experience with her. The same goes for her showing you her world.
This fun can only happen if you invite her into your element.
She won’t love everything. She may enjoy it, but not as much as you. Or she may become just as passionate about the activity or hobby as you are.
You can’t live a truly integrated married life if you both spend all of your leisure time separately. If you spend all Saturday watching College Football and she spends it shopping, where was your opportunity for quality time?
Don’t assume you know how she feels about your interests or activities. She may just be waiting for your invitation.
Holding Hands During the Our Father
When I was going to Mass as a single man, I’d go to the 7:00am Mass on Sunday mornings. It was the best because it was quiet (read “peaceful”), it gave me a great boost to my day, and the Mass was about the Liturgy, not about everyone catching up with each other.
One of the things my wife has taught me about the Mass is why holding hands during the Our Father is a non-starter with her. It is a tradition in the American Church which has some tenure, but it’s mostly wrong. A nice idea, yes. Liturgically, though, it’s incorrect.
Holding hands is a sign of unity. Whether it’s at a rally of some sort or on a logo for world peace, if people are holding hands, they’re together. Heck, if you see a young man and woman holding hands, you suspect they’re dating… or in a union of some kind.
The problem with this show of unity during the Mass is that we already have a sign of unity… the Eucharist. The Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ, truly present in the Eucharist is what unites us. It pulls us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually into the Body of Christ, namely Him and His Church. So the hand holding is really just a cheap imitation. No sign could more truly or fully express the unity of the Catholic Church than the Eucharist.
Now, my wife and I will hold hands during the Our Father. But wait, didn’t I just call that a cheap imitation? Not in this case. When we conferred the Sacrament of Matrimony on each other, and because it was blessed and witnessed by the Church, we now approach the Throne of God as one. “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” So, as a married couple, our holding hands is an outward sign of this reality.
I’m not overly strict about this policy. When I’m home, my family always held hands, so I will with them. Of course, there is difficulty when other people reach out to grab my hand out of habit. My wife and I deal with this awkwardness in one of two ways. She puts her free hand over our joined hands and I put mine in my pocket.
I’m not saying you need to take this stance, but I think it’s an interesting discussion on the Theology of Marriage. We are truly one and this outward sign is just one way we can remind ourselves of that reality.
Transitioning from Single Life to Married Life
It’s not hard to make the argument that the transition from the single life to the married life is pretty extreme. You go from a position of looking out for your interests to taking on the responsibility to maintain a household. Whoa.
I did not anticipate how big of a mental shift getting married would involve. It wasn’t until after the normal set back in that I realized how much the culture’s attitudes affected me. Consumerism extended into my relationships with people. I quickly realized that I needed to be proactive in countering this tendency if I was going to have a successful marriage.
Consumerism in our relationships is rampant. It is the mentality that leads people to brag about how many women they’ve bedded. It’s the mentality that leads to 36 hour celebrity marriages. We’ve let consumerism reduce people to commodities. When the human person is a commodity, they are expendable. They are temporary. And we are expected to consume (date) every beautiful woman that passes us by.
To a degree, a tentative mindset is just right while you’re dating. It is extremely unhealthy to begin every first date by planning your life together with this woman. It not only sets you up to be hurt badly, but creates defensive barriers in your psyche that can negatively affect your future relationships.
Dating should be light, playful, and respectful. You should spend that time considering what you value in a person, in the woman you want to build a family and a life with.
The problem is when you get married and keep your dating mentality.
When you get married, you’ve made a commitment. It’s not that anyone forced you to, you made that decision on your own. There are beautiful women who are not your wife, that’s true. But remember, you didn’t just choose your wife because of her looks. If you did, sorry bro, but you’re in for a rough go.
We have to make the transition away from snaring a woman to honoring a woman. We have to turn the corner and realize we’ve made the sale, now it’s up to us to show her she made the right buy.
It won’t happen overnight, but the engagement period should be helpful to you. Recognize that this mentality of consumerism is a key cause of infidelity. It all starts in your mind. So it’s best to put it down ASAP.
Be patient and give yourself some grace. But if your thoughts keep wandering, act decisively to put that evil out of your life. It will be a drag and will ruin the good that God has planned for you and your wife.
The Most Commonly Missed Opportunity
Regret is a terrible thing. It only happens when we look back and realized we had a missed opportunity. As guys, there is one scenario that should cause us nothing but regret. Not taking our wife’s offer to go shopping with her.
My wife and I are evenly yoked, as the kids say. We are both very pragmatic. When it comes to her Birthday or Christmas, she asks for very practical things. On many occasions, she has had to go shopping for a few items or, more recently, to buy maternity clothes. She doesn’t like shopping alone. Most days, she’ll invite me to go with her and most days, I accept. Her shopping habits make it pretty easy for me to go with.
When she asks you to go shopping, she’s not really asking you to go shopping. She’s asking to spend time with you. It’s maybe not something that you get a lot of joy out of, but it is is quality time.
When your wife asks you to go shopping, I’d encourage you to accept for a few reasons.
First, shopping provides the chance to exercise together. More and more research is proving that walking is as effective as other, more intense, forms of exercise in terms of building heart health. There is also strong evidence (namely, me) that by simply walking more you can lose some serious weight. You can do a lot of walking while shopping making shopping (almost!) a form of exercise.
Next, you get to share the experience together. The buying process can be very exciting, if you have the money. Think back to the last time you bought something that you wanted to buy. You surveyed all of the options, got opinions, did research, and then made the purchase. The buying process, when done correctly and in a healthy way, can be extremely relaxing and enjoyable. Why wouldn’t you want to share an experience of that level with your wife?
Last, it can give you awesome insight into gift shopping for her. Between birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and Valentine’s day, there’s plenty of chances for you to give your wife a gift. If she spends her time shopping for clothes at H&M, you’ll know that you can probably skip Hot Topic. You can even find that “surprise” gift that she looked at in the store several months before, passed on and forgot about. What does that make you at gift time? A hero. Thoughtful. Loving. Winning.
“Shopping” really isn’t shopping. It’s quality time. So surprise her next time and go with her.