How Nature Can Enhance Your Marriage
One of the biggest struggles that married couples face is the monotony of the normal. Married life, on a day to day basis, is quite normal and mundane. What marriages need are excitement and adventure!
I spent this past summer walking… a lot. I found an awesome route that fit perfecting into my time restraints. I drive the streets along my walking path daily. But there is something new and amazing about walking. I saw things, amazing things, that I never saw while driving. I saw flowers come and go, I watched families play, dogs run, and life happen. I saw amazing sunrises, breathtaking sunsets, and all types of clouds. I only got to experience all of those things because I spent time outside.
Quality time is important for your marriage. In fact, if you don’t have quality non-sexual bonding time with your wife, you’re going to have a long and difficult marriage. Nature presents the perfect solution to the boredom problem.
Outdoor activity with your wife can vary in intensity. It can be low-impact like walking or high-impact like mountain biking. You can hike a trail, relax on a beach, go swimming in an (outdoor) pool, or go for a jog. The activity can suit what you’re in the mood for and you can stop and start at any time!
It’s good for us to be outside! The air in your house has a lot of stale air. The outdoor expanse is fresh and new. It’s good for the soul!
Exercise can improve your overall health. As you experience nature together, you’ll both get healthier. That improvement in health will lead to many more (healthy) years together.
Nature is God’s gift to us. He created it all, and quite well! He made it so that we could engage with nature and enjoy it. The beauty alone is justification enough.
There are truly are endless possibilities. If you and your wife want to do it, you probably can. Horseback riding on the beach, walking barefoot in a field, sailing on a lake. Nature is an endless expanse of opportunity for activities.
If you’re looking for a way to grow with your wife, there’s no better place to do it than outside. You’ll make memories to last a lifetime and reap the health benefits to go along with it.
Men of Sacrifice
Growing up, my Dad always gave up the best portion to us.
I could never figure out why he didn’t take the largest piece of cake, or why he’d let us have the last cookie.
I was a child, so I thought as a child does. I was looking out for me. He was also looking out for me.
What we don’t realize as kids is that our parents are people, too. We have our own dreams and desires, but we can’t imagine, or even think to imagine, that our parents do too.
We want to go to Disney World, while our parents dream of climbing the Great Wall of China. We want to have dinner at a friend’s house while our parents dream of the family eating together.
This was really a great model for me.
Now, as a father, I see how that sacrifice is not just a sign of love, it is love. It imputes love to me, even if I’m not able to understand or even perceive it in the moment.
We sacrifice, but that doesn’t mean that we lose out. No, our giving up allows us to love our families more deeply, and that is a greater gain than the last cookie.
Invite Her to Your Element
A great thing about being married is that your spouse is not you.
You have been raised in a particular set of circumstances and with certain opportunities that have shaped you into the man you are today. You have your hobbies and interests because of your upbringing. That is awesome!
Being married makes it twice the fun!
Your wife is uniquely her own, which presents a great opportunity for shared learning. You have the chance to show her the things you’re passionate about and you get to share the experience with her. The same goes for her showing you her world.
This fun can only happen if you invite her into your element.
She won’t love everything. She may enjoy it, but not as much as you. Or she may become just as passionate about the activity or hobby as you are.
You can’t live a truly integrated married life if you both spend all of your leisure time separately. If you spend all Saturday watching College Football and she spends it shopping, where was your opportunity for quality time?
Don’t assume you know how she feels about your interests or activities. She may just be waiting for your invitation.
Holding Hands During the Our Father
When I was going to Mass as a single man, I’d go to the 7:00am Mass on Sunday mornings. It was the best because it was quiet (read “peaceful”), it gave me a great boost to my day, and the Mass was about the Liturgy, not about everyone catching up with each other.
One of the things my wife has taught me about the Mass is why holding hands during the Our Father is a non-starter with her. It is a tradition in the American Church which has some tenure, but it’s mostly wrong. A nice idea, yes. Liturgically, though, it’s incorrect.
Holding hands is a sign of unity. Whether it’s at a rally of some sort or on a logo for world peace, if people are holding hands, they’re together. Heck, if you see a young man and woman holding hands, you suspect they’re dating… or in a union of some kind.
The problem with this show of unity during the Mass is that we already have a sign of unity… the Eucharist. The Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ, truly present in the Eucharist is what unites us. It pulls us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually into the Body of Christ, namely Him and His Church. So the hand holding is really just a cheap imitation. No sign could more truly or fully express the unity of the Catholic Church than the Eucharist.
Now, my wife and I will hold hands during the Our Father. But wait, didn’t I just call that a cheap imitation? Not in this case. When we conferred the Sacrament of Matrimony on each other, and because it was blessed and witnessed by the Church, we now approach the Throne of God as one. “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” So, as a married couple, our holding hands is an outward sign of this reality.
I’m not overly strict about this policy. When I’m home, my family always held hands, so I will with them. Of course, there is difficulty when other people reach out to grab my hand out of habit. My wife and I deal with this awkwardness in one of two ways. She puts her free hand over our joined hands and I put mine in my pocket.
I’m not saying you need to take this stance, but I think it’s an interesting discussion on the Theology of Marriage. We are truly one and this outward sign is just one way we can remind ourselves of that reality.
Transitioning from Single Life to Married Life
It’s not hard to make the argument that the transition from the single life to the married life is pretty extreme. You go from a position of looking out for your interests to taking on the responsibility to maintain a household. Whoa.
I did not anticipate how big of a mental shift getting married would involve. It wasn’t until after the normal set back in that I realized how much the culture’s attitudes affected me. Consumerism extended into my relationships with people. I quickly realized that I needed to be proactive in countering this tendency if I was going to have a successful marriage.
Consumerism in our relationships is rampant. It is the mentality that leads people to brag about how many women they’ve bedded. It’s the mentality that leads to 36 hour celebrity marriages. We’ve let consumerism reduce people to commodities. When the human person is a commodity, they are expendable. They are temporary. And we are expected to consume (date) every beautiful woman that passes us by.
To a degree, a tentative mindset is just right while you’re dating. It is extremely unhealthy to begin every first date by planning your life together with this woman. It not only sets you up to be hurt badly, but creates defensive barriers in your psyche that can negatively affect your future relationships.
Dating should be light, playful, and respectful. You should spend that time considering what you value in a person, in the woman you want to build a family and a life with.
The problem is when you get married and keep your dating mentality.
When you get married, you’ve made a commitment. It’s not that anyone forced you to, you made that decision on your own. There are beautiful women who are not your wife, that’s true. But remember, you didn’t just choose your wife because of her looks. If you did, sorry bro, but you’re in for a rough go.
We have to make the transition away from snaring a woman to honoring a woman. We have to turn the corner and realize we’ve made the sale, now it’s up to us to show her she made the right buy.
It won’t happen overnight, but the engagement period should be helpful to you. Recognize that this mentality of consumerism is a key cause of infidelity. It all starts in your mind. So it’s best to put it down ASAP.
Be patient and give yourself some grace. But if your thoughts keep wandering, act decisively to put that evil out of your life. It will be a drag and will ruin the good that God has planned for you and your wife.
The Most Commonly Missed Opportunity
Regret is a terrible thing. It only happens when we look back and realized we had a missed opportunity. As guys, there is one scenario that should cause us nothing but regret. Not taking our wife’s offer to go shopping with her.
My wife and I are evenly yoked, as the kids say. We are both very pragmatic. When it comes to her Birthday or Christmas, she asks for very practical things. On many occasions, she has had to go shopping for a few items or, more recently, to buy maternity clothes. She doesn’t like shopping alone. Most days, she’ll invite me to go with her and most days, I accept. Her shopping habits make it pretty easy for me to go with.
When she asks you to go shopping, she’s not really asking you to go shopping. She’s asking to spend time with you. It’s maybe not something that you get a lot of joy out of, but it is is quality time.
When your wife asks you to go shopping, I’d encourage you to accept for a few reasons.
First, shopping provides the chance to exercise together. More and more research is proving that walking is as effective as other, more intense, forms of exercise in terms of building heart health. There is also strong evidence (namely, me) that by simply walking more you can lose some serious weight. You can do a lot of walking while shopping making shopping (almost!) a form of exercise.
Next, you get to share the experience together. The buying process can be very exciting, if you have the money. Think back to the last time you bought something that you wanted to buy. You surveyed all of the options, got opinions, did research, and then made the purchase. The buying process, when done correctly and in a healthy way, can be extremely relaxing and enjoyable. Why wouldn’t you want to share an experience of that level with your wife?
Last, it can give you awesome insight into gift shopping for her. Between birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and Valentine’s day, there’s plenty of chances for you to give your wife a gift. If she spends her time shopping for clothes at H&M, you’ll know that you can probably skip Hot Topic. You can even find that “surprise” gift that she looked at in the store several months before, passed on and forgot about. What does that make you at gift time? A hero. Thoughtful. Loving. Winning.
“Shopping” really isn’t shopping. It’s quality time. So surprise her next time and go with her.
Sleep Hygiene
Sleep. We all need it and many of us don’t get enough of it. It affects every area of our daily life and yet we don’t spend much time trying to improve it.
I am a very process driven person. If I have a routine, I can set goals and make sure everything that I need to do gets done. For a long time, I didn’t have a good sleep routine. I’d run, run, run and then jump into bed and wonder why I couldn’t fall asleep. The problem was that I didn’t tell my body that it should get ready for sleep. Our bodies have a biological process for restful sleep, but that process can only start if we give ourselves subtle cues. So I developed a bedtime routine that now involves serious quality time with my wife, Alison.
When I don’t get a good night sleep, I drag. I get grouchy. I’m very irritable. So getting a solid night sleep is very important.
Light is a major cue for our bodies. In the evening, low light causes our brains to release melatonin, which promotes good sleep. Things like TVs, computers, and mobile phones produce a blue hue that turns off the melatonin release. Planning to avoid those devices can help you get a great night sleep.
I start getting ready about an hour before bed. I finish up most of what I need to do on my phone, I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth. I then get into bed and turn on only a bedside lamp. I then pray for 15 minutes and read for 30 minutes. About 20 minutes into my reading, my eyes are getting pretty heavy.
After the 45 minutes of reading and prayer, I turn off the lights and cuddle with Alison until it’s time to roll over and drift off to sleep.
What is really great is that Alison has started to join me with the prayer and reading time. After a day apart, we have quality time together. The pre-sleep cuddle time fills that particular want of hers and makes the perfect end to the day.
A sleep routine is good. A sleep routine that builds your marriage? Well, that’s even better.
Nature is a Love Letter
We’re busy, I get that. We’re men. All day we charge, we fight, we win. We’re always on the move, always striving for our goals.
We can move too fast.
We can move so fast, that we miss God’s constant reminders for us.
The majority of us haven’t seen God. We have been given the gift of faith, and we are lucky to have received it. There is a blessing in believing without seeing, but there is also a challenge. We can easily forget God because He is not always in our field of vision.
Or is He?
Oh, He is alright!
Nature is God’s love letter to us. When we stop to admire the beauty of nature, we can see His hand. A stroke of His brush paints us a beautiful sunset. The vibrant colors of a garden reflect His master design.
We can see God’s hand in the most beautiful creation we have ever seen, our wife.
It’s a reminder. He’s there. And He wants us to have life to the fullest.
Leaving A Legacy
One of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had was seeing pictures of my parents when they were first married.
As a child, you know your parent in one dimension. They are the mature, wise, fully grown adult. You never get to meet or interact with your youthful parents in any memorable way.
When it comes to the topic of legacy, you should consider what you leave your children beyond money.
Certainly there will be stories and family folklore. You should also consider leaving them a written history.
My wife and I have been working on writing down our family history. We are each writing about our own childhoods and working together to share the real life journey story that begins when we met.
As life happens, we plan to add chapters and sections that will highlight important family or personal events.
By the time my life comes to a close, I hope that this work is a great adventure for my children, grandchildren and beyond. I’m trying to be honest so that they can really understand who I am. I am partly inspired by the brutally honest Steve Jobs biography (title?).
Not that my life is ugly, but I want them to know and understand my thinking through difficult decisions.
Consider leaving a written record to your own children. They may not appreciate it today. One day, however, it will be a cherished experience for them to get to know you as person, not just you as parent.
Shared Goals
The power of unity in your marriage can’t be underestimated.
When you and your wife move together towards something, there is an incredible force at play.
The strength of unity in your marriage gives you a key advantage over single people. When you and your wife are moving towards a goal, one of you will want to quit. There will be a moment of weakness and you’ll want to back out. She won’t let you. When you both cross the finish line, there will be an amazing feeling of accomplishment.
Shared goals will cause you both to do things that you didn’t think were possible, and that certainly wouldn’t happen with you alone.
For example, my wife and I went shopping for baby furniture recently. I didn’t have a clue what things she was asking for, so I decided I had to go into a store and physically see the options. We shopped for three hours and there were a few close calls.
We made the purchase at the last store: The Salvation Army. We got a three piece set for $25. Bingo.
Over the following four days, we sanded, painted, and moved our new furniture and there was an amazing unity in our marriage. We spent as much time as we could together, working towards our shared goal: getting the nursery ready.
It doesn’t just have to be about baby furniture. Setting goals with your wife can be about whatever you wish to accomplish. You will both sacrifice (time, financial resources, etc.) to reach that goal.
Sit down with your wife, set some goals, and experience the power of unity.