What A Nice Compliment
As a society that strives for absolute equality, we’ve really missed the boat on something key. In our rush to make sure that we don’t offend anyone or hurt their feelings, we’ve given up on the idea that being unequal in some things might actually be a good and beneficial thing.
Alison and I’s move was a great marital experience. It was difficult, it was stressful, and it was tiring. It was also refreshing. Spending all of that time together and working so closely gave me plenty of opportunities to see how our differences make us perfect together. It reaffirmed me in my decision to ask her to spend the rest of her life with me.
Some people would have us believe that differences make one gender lesser or subservient to the other. That’s just not true. Our differences are our strengths. They should be celebrated!
• Differences benefit each other. If I was responsible for hemming the curtains in our house, we’d be sunk. The fact that Alison is naturally crafty picks up the slack where I don’t have a strength.
• Differences remind us that we’re made for each other. Forever is a long time. We need constant reminders that we’re on the right path. The complimentary nature of our differences can be that reminder.
• Differences benefit children. I’m not sure what kind of learner Benedict will be, but I know that with Alison and I’s different styles, he’s going to have lots of opportunities to learn new things. Sometimes he’ll need someone to hold him and other times he’ll need some tough love. With Alison and I being different, we can give him exactly what he needs.
• Sameness is boring! Let’s face it, although you’re perfect, you’d be bored being married to yourself. Our differences keep things spicy.
No one is weaker than another or better than another for being different. Our differences cause us to compliment each other. Celebrate your manliness!
Better Than A Purity Ring
Some people believe that in Christian Marriage chastity is no longer a struggle. False.
I’ve really enjoyed the past four years since graduating from Franciscan University. Many of my friends have gotten married and have begun to grow their families. This has been a huge benefit to me personally because I’ve been able to learn a lot about marriage. It’s helped me better understand marriage and avoid making more than a few mistakes.
One of my good friends Rob shared this gem about chastity with me a few months before my wedding. It was really good advice and a simple line that’s stuck with me.
Human sexuality is an extremely powerful part of our nature. It can be used for extreme good, binding spouses together and creating new life. It can also be used for extreme evil, leading to the eventual loss of sanctifying grace. It’s up to us to control it and use it for good.
The reason that sexual temptation is so strong is because regardless of how morally licit or illicit what we’re doing is, it still feels physically good. So many things around us make it seem even more normal. In fact, in some instances, people in positions of authority may encourage us to commit morally illicit sexual acts.
We struggle to see people as people because they aren’t often portrayed that way. In TV shows, movies, plays and art, people are depicted as objects. Even on our own streets, we see people dressing in ways that do not celebrate their dignity or sexuality.
So how do we maintain our purity and chastity in this climate? Some use a purity ring as a reminder that they’ve made a commitment to themselves. But is it enough?
No. The reminder aspect is fabulous, but we need something more. We need action. We need constant prayer and attention.
You can’t achieve holiness without achieving self-mastery. Be vigilant, be alert, and grow daily in purity.
Be Prepared to Give
Being married means living selflessly in a selfish culture.
I’m constantly evaluating my life. I look for behavior patterns, I look for habits and trends that are emerging. When I need to know what the model of being a great husband looks like, I look to St. Joseph. I know that I also frequently fall short of that standard. I want to be selfless, but I know I’ve got a ways to go.
A vocation to the married life isn’t a personal choice we make. Like those in the religious life, we are called to the married life. God has given us a unique set of skills and abilities that prepare us for the married life. It’s not just what we’re supposed to do, it’s what we were made to do.
As husbands, we are the heads of our household. We are charged with the care and protection of our family. It doesn’t have anything to do with social status or job title. It doesn’t have to do with what we can make with our hands or how much is in our bank account. It has everything to do with who we are as human persons.
As a husband you must be prepared to give everything you have.
Marriage is a life of service. So when you said, “I do,” you were really saying “I will.”
I will take care of my wife.
I will put her needs before my own.
I will wake up at 2am and clean up after her when she’s sick.
I will have a warm bath ready for her when she gets home at the end of a long day.
I will wait on hold for 45 minutes with the cable company so she can have access to the internet.
I will do the dishes while she entertains her friends.
I will drive her to all of her appointments.
I will take care of her when she can’t take care of herself and doesn’t remember who I am.
I will.
Love Letters
Marriage is all about daily rediscovery. Being that marriage is a relationship that spans several decades, both you and your wife change. With that change comes the need to constantly tend to your relationship. There are memorable summers and beautiful falls. There are cold winters and rejuvenating springs. One of the best, and most classy ways to keep your relationship in tip top shape is through love letters.
Love letters are great in their own little ways. Here are a few of the best reasons to sit down and write your wife a love letter today.
• Love letters are always welcome. Unlike many of our romantic gestures your wife will never reject a heart felt note from you.
• Love letters help you express feelings that you can’t express verbally. When sharing deep feelings with your wife, it can be a challenge to get the words out. It’s much easier to be expressive with the written word.
• They remind her that she’s loved. Just the thought that you took some of your time to sit down and tell her that you love her tells her all that she needs to know.
• They remind her that she’s the most important thing in your life. She is.
So sit down, pull out a pen and some stationary, and write your wife a love letter today!
Doing the Right Thing
It’s never too late to do the right thing.
When I started working on Catholic Husband early last year, things were going well in my spiritual life. I had a solid daily prayer routine, I was making good choices in my relationships with others, and everything seemed to be going quite well. Then, things changed. It wasn’t as easy to do the right things. I got lazy on my prayer routine.
I can remember exactly when things became much more difficult. It was during Lent, right after the Sunday where we heard about Jesus’ temptation in the desert. After some time, I made the connection. It was only when I was actively working on Catholic Husband that the temptation was intense. I knew that if I was being singled out for particular temptation, I was on the right track.
Starting to do the right thing is a great feeling. You’ve turned over a new leaf, you’re making solid forward progress, perhaps for the first time in a long time. Early on though, you’ll be tested.
This happens every New Year. People make resolutions, it goes well for a week or two, and then they trail off. Doing the right thing is never easy.
You might have experienced this when starting a prayer routine. You had a plan and then things just came out of nowhere.
What are we do to?
• Be realistic. The Devil doesn’t like when we make good choices. He doesn’t like when we do things that bring us closer to God. So if you’re particularly committed, buckle up. Things are going to get rough. Prepare yourself for a new level of temptation and attempted derailment.
• Know where the traps are. God wants us to strive for perfection, but He never faults us for falling short. My goal is to write two posts each day. There are some days I write none. On the days when I don’t write, it can be easy to become discouraged. So I resolve to do better the next day. The same is true for your prayer life. If you miss a day, or even a week, simply pick it back up and keep walking! Despair is never from God.
• Stick to the plan. When we develop plans, we assume that we can do no wrong. It’s idealistic, sure, but it helps us to stretch. We ignore everything that could get in our way. We’re invincible! So set your plan, and stick to it as closely as you can.
Above all, know your why. If you know why you’re doing what you’re doing, in times when you’re challenged, it can be easier to overcome. Deeply held convictions for doing something can be extremely helpful in times of adversity. For example, the why of Catholic Husband is for me to share the good news of the married life. So when I’m tempted to walk away or skip writing for a few days, I remind myself that this message needs to be shared.
It’s always a challenge to do the right thing, which makes doing it all the more satisfying.
Fatigue is the Worst
Fatigue is the worst, especially when you have a family depending on you.
One of the many changes that I experienced as a new Dad was the virtual end of sick days. This will be even more true when Alison begins her residency next month. It’s not even just the regular sickness that can get you down. Fatigue of any kind is killer. All you want to do is lay around, but you can’t because people are depending on you.
Fatigue is hard to overcome when it starts. Your bed calls to you all day long as your spouse, your children and your to do list call you to action. So how can you beat this killer?
• Regular exercise. Exercise solves many of our bodily and mental problems. A great thing that I’ve found is the simple act of taking a walk can do the trick. Not only will you have more energy and be more alert, you’ll physically feel better!
• Go to bed on time and wake up on time. Our bodies are really cool. They have something called the Circadian rhythm. Basically it’s your internal clock. If you go to bed at generally the same time and wake up generally at the same time you’ll have better sleep and wake up more energized.
• Keep your routines going. The more you can stick to your routine, the more resistant to fatigue you’ll be. Fatigue tries to lure you into laziness. When you miss your routine, you feel “off.” So rob fatigue of this effective weapon!
Fatigue will ruin your day. So stick to a routine, stay on top of your sleep, and exercise and you’ll have a much more pleasant tomorrow.
How to Handle Decisions
One of the biggest jumps to make between the single life and the married life is the transition to shared decision making.
I’ve shared many times before, both here and in “The Transition,” the story about Alison and I’s fight over menu planning. (Short version: I thought she wanted to spend too much, she thought I was demanding that we budget too little. We let her have control and a budget and everything worked out really well… especially for me). The point of the story, and I’m sure many other instances from our young marriage, is that decisions need to be made together, but they can be managed individually.
“There’s too many cooks in the kitchen.” Sometimes even two cooks is too many. With many decisions, the execution is best done by one person.
The best way to handle the many complex issues and demands that your marriage will face is to make major decisions together and delegate the implementation to one spouse.
• Spouses should always know what’s going on. As a team, you can only work at your best when you’re both in the loop. You make better decisions, you communicate better, and the transparency introduces harmony into the relationship. When it’s a good decision you’re working on (i.e. a vacation or your dream home), your spirits are lifted. When it’s a challenging decision (i.e. illness or discipline) you share the burden.
• Not everything needs two managers. You and your wife agree on the budget every month, but do you both really need to be monitoring the checking account and updating your tracking software? Do you really both need to do the detailed menu planning and grocery planning?
• Delegate to the spouse with the strength. We each bring strengths to the table. When a couple delegates implementation to the spouse with a strength in the particular area, the family wins. When Alison and I delegate menu planning to Alison, we all eat better. When Alison and I delegate budget tracking to me, we all have access to budgeting software that’s up-to-date.
• The spouse who isn’t responsible should maintain periodic check-ins. Once implementation is delegated, the non-responsible spouse isn’t off the hook. They should check in periodically to make sure everything is on track and that they’s in the loop.
Being a couple and being a family means doing what’s best for everyone. By making the major decisions together and delegating implementation, you can avoid fights and move your family forward.
Leave it Better
“He always leaves the toilet seat up."
This common complaint from spouses shines a light on a major relationship issue. We need to not only be thinking about our wife first, we need to be putting it into action!
Here’s an easy marriage hack for you: make your surroundings better for your wife.
When the sink is full, do the dishes.
When you use the last of the toilet paper, replace the roll.
When you pour the last glass of water, refill the pitcher.
When she’s out shopping, clean the house.
When the dryer buzzes, fold the laundry.
It’s simple in concept, but can you put it into practice?
You’re the Servant of All
The Pope has many titles. Perhaps most intriguing is “Servant of the Servants of God."
This Papal title is especially perplexing because we tend to think of the Pope as a very powerful man. He’s someone who inspires us and draws us closer to God. He ends conflict and brings peace and harmony into the world. He rubs shoulders with dictators and diplomats. Why would he have such a lowly title?
Answer: he’s the exemplar of servant leadership. He leads, yes, but he doesn’t succumb to power. His humility keeps his authority in check.
As husbands, we should fill a similar role in our homes.
Of course, we’re the head of our household. But that title or position should be more like the Abbot of a monastery than a tyrant. We’re charged with promoting peace, the care of the defenseless, and the protection of the family.
One of the ways we can be the servant of our family is to do tasks that others might not prefer to do. No one likes calling utility companies, but we can. We can lift that burden from our wife. No one wants to kill a spider or pick up a dead mouse. But we can.
By serving our families well, we show our love. We show our respect for members of our family. We practice true servant leadership.
We’re tasked to lead. Will we be tyrants or Abbots?
The Fastest Way to Grow in Patience
You can’t control the things your spouse does. But you can control your response.
When it comes to certain things, I can be very particular. I like to have a set schedule and when things deviate from that schedule, I tend to get frustrated fast. When I choose to be frustrated instead of patient, I lose the opportunity for growth.
You and your wife are different people. That’s a good thing, because if you were both the same, you’d be bored. Sure, you’re more compatible than most. You also have a deeper relationship than you have with other people. Even with all of these advantages, your wife will still do things that will annoy you. She still has faults.
Everyone has faults. There’s no such thing as the perfect spouse. So when your wife does things that annoy or frustrate you, how do you respond?
Patience is a challenging virtue to grow in. To change from a man who gets upset at the slightest action to a man who has a “mind like water” is a journey, not a destination. It takes discipline over time. To become a man who accepts his wife for who she is takes daily decisions to respond to faults and mistakes with love and understanding.
If the journey is so difficult, why do it at all? Simple. The more we’re able to overcome the frustration that we feel, the more charitable we become. The more charitable we become, the more open to love we are. We will become more gentle, loving husbands. This will bring peace and harmony to our homes on a level that we’ve never experienced before.
How we respond to our wife’s actions will determine the quality of marriage we will have. We will either have a bitter and trivial marriage or one that truly reflects Christ’s love for us.