Care for the Sick
As a part of your wedding vows, you promised to care for your wife “in sickness and in health."
Taking care of your wife when she’s sick is one of the noblest things we can do in the married life. It takes both small acts of love and big ones. You have to step outside of the grossness or discomfort you may feel in order to take care of her.
All of these acts, no matter the size, make her life easier. She has less to worry about and can focus on just getting better.
So whether it’s as simple as making an extra trip to grab some Ginger Ale or as complex as helping her get to her appointments and take her medications, we’re called to care for our sick wives. Care for them well.
The Blame Game
Perhaps the most crippling and meaningless activity in American workplaces is the blame game. Every single worker can easily recall a recent time when an error occurred, and the workforce spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out who to blame, instead of fixing the problem.
The scary part? We do this in our marriages all the time.
When you’re a young family, there are a lot of errors going on. Benedict will roll around on the floor until he gets into trouble. Alison forgets to lock the car. I screw up the daily schedule and don’t make dinner on time. It’s part of the human existence to make mistakes. If I spend time blaming Alison for something going wrong, I reduce the amount of time I have to either fix the issue or respond in love.
Blame creates division. Division leads to fights.
That simple chain of events results in what I would estimate to be the vast majority of marital fights. So when something goes wrong, how should we respond? We have three options:
• Ignore fault. Let’s face it, most of the things that go “wrong” in our daily life are completely inconsequential. Who cares if dinner isn’t ready on time and we eat 30 minutes late. Does it really matter that the car was unlocked for the 15 minutes we were in the store? So the kids got into something they shouldn’t have. They’re kids… it’s what they do. If we chose to just not care about who caused the situation, we can devote our energy to other worthwhile things.
• Acknowledge it was an accident. Your wife does very few things to intentionally offend you. Hopefully it’s vice versa. So when something happens, she didn’t do it on purpose. Acknowledge that she’s human and just move on with your life.
• Respond in love. Many of our mistakes are embarrassing. Screwing up the finances, getting into a car accident, or even your child eating something they shouldn’t have. When you know you’re the root cause, it’s a miserable feeling. Understand that your wife is going through those emotions and show her that it’s not a big deal and that you still love her.
Don’t let blame ruin your relationship. It’s an exercise in wasted time and effort.
Sunday Hero
Here’s the easiest way to be a Sunday Hero: take the first shower.
She gets a few more minutes of beauty rest and you get that satisfied feeling knowing that you’re a hero.
Last Thoughts of the Day
A few weeks ago, I wrote about your last words of the day. In that article, I talked about how you should dedicate the last words you have each day to prayer. But what about the last thoughts of the day?
We’ve all been there. Moments before drifting peacefully off to sleep, we have a thought that keeps us up tossing and turning for what seems like hours. A sense of dread comes over you and you just can’t seem to shake it. The most ridiculous thing about this late night worry is that there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it in that moment.
Our last thoughts of the day have the power to affect our dreams. So if they’re not wholesome, you might be in for some serious nocturnal temptation. If they’re stressful, you’ll have a hard time staying asleep. How do we direct our last thoughts of the day so that we can drift peacefully to sleep?
• Have an “approved thoughts” list. I try my hardest to not work on Sundays. On Sunday morning, I remind myself that it’s a day of rest and so thoughts about work are off limits. Having a similar list for your pre-sleep bed time can be equally helpful. Decide what’s off limits. Work, things you worry about, or anything that makes you anxious should be on this list. Remember, there’s nothing you can do about it in those moments, so there’s no point in thinking about them.
• Refuse to be worried or anxious about tomorrow. We’ve all had days that we knew were going to be tough. We can all remember what the night before was like. Don’t think about tomorrow (unless it’s going to be really awesome!).
• Think about things that are going really well, or the blessings you have. The best way to counteract bad thoughts at bedtime is to reflect on all of the good things in your life. Celebrate your accomplishments, think about fun things that are coming up in your life, or just remind yourself of all of the blessings that you have in your life.
The last thoughts of the day are critical to a good night’s sleep. Give these thoughts to things that are good, honorable, and just. Then, enjoy a great night’s sleep.
Where Are You Going?
We weren’t made for life on Earth. We were made to know, love, and serve God in this life and be with Him forever in the next (Baltimore Catechism).
Yet, it can be easy to forget where we’re going.
I’ve had quite a few stressors in my life lately. The transition out of the workforce, the move to Virginia, and several other issues related to these major changes have been hard on me. I’m pretty impatient when it comes to getting issues resolved. So when there’s a problem, I want it fixed, today. Unfortunately, most problems aren’t fixed so easily. As a result of this added stress, I found myself becoming less loving towards Alison and not as helpful around the house.
I’d prefer sitting on the couch to unpacking. I’d let her get up with Benedict in the morning. I wouldn’t volunteer to help feed him.
No good.
As a part of a regular self-examination, I saw the pattern. I knew something needed to change. I wasn’t being the husband I wanted to be. I wasn’t being the father I wanted to be.
Our spiritual walk is much like what I experienced. Things come up, so we let our prayer life slide. Sinning looks much more fun than being holy. So we sin. We miss Mass one Sunday because we’re sick, and the next weekend, we seriously consider skipping just because.
Our actions speak louder than words. While we’re meant to enjoy Eternal Life with our Father, our choices will dictate if that happens or not. Our choices affect our salvation in a very real way.
It can be so easy for us, in the monotony of our daily lives to lose sight of the eternal. It’s easy to become complacent. But complacency kills.
Am I loving?
Am I forgiving?
Do I really want to go to Heaven?
Do my actions reflect this desire?
Fight complacency. Live for the Eternal!
A Line in the Sand
Our lives are an experiment. We have one chance to live, and as a part of that experience, we have to find our way. Thankfully, we have wise parents to help us not make major mistakes. In large part, though, we’re able to quite easily fall into ruts.
We all get off track at times. For the past 24 months or so, I’ve been fighting to get my weight down. In May, I reached the 30 lbs. lost mark. I was ecstatic! Diligent dieting, food journaling, and exercise got me so close to my victory. Then came the move. I slacked off… big time. I didn’t work out, we ate out all the time, and I ate whatever I wanted. The result? A 13 pound gain in six weeks.
Ouch.
Whether it’s my weight, my prayer life, or even just my relationship with Alison, there are times when I fall into routines and behaviors that are working against me and my goals. There’s only one way to right the ship: draw a line in the sand.
The things that happen to us in life don’t define us. How we respond to them does. I can take my weight gain and just let it go. I could throw up my hands, say it’s just the way my body is, and wave the white flag. Or I can fight. I can say, “ENOUGH!” I can put my walking shoes back on, pull out my food diary, and limit the sweets.
There are times in your life when you just need to draw a line in the sand.
Beware. When you draw a line in the sand, the resistance will emerge. Alison will make turtle bars, we will have a week of rain, the alarm clock will be just too painful. It will be easy to slip back into your old ways. Fight, fight, fight!
When things get tough, you know you’re on the right path. Persevere!
No temptation is too much for us to overcome. No bad habit is enough to make us a bad person. The choice is yours. Will you draw a line in the sand or wither away?
What A Nice Compliment
As a society that strives for absolute equality, we’ve really missed the boat on something key. In our rush to make sure that we don’t offend anyone or hurt their feelings, we’ve given up on the idea that being unequal in some things might actually be a good and beneficial thing.
Alison and I’s move was a great marital experience. It was difficult, it was stressful, and it was tiring. It was also refreshing. Spending all of that time together and working so closely gave me plenty of opportunities to see how our differences make us perfect together. It reaffirmed me in my decision to ask her to spend the rest of her life with me.
Some people would have us believe that differences make one gender lesser or subservient to the other. That’s just not true. Our differences are our strengths. They should be celebrated!
• Differences benefit each other. If I was responsible for hemming the curtains in our house, we’d be sunk. The fact that Alison is naturally crafty picks up the slack where I don’t have a strength.
• Differences remind us that we’re made for each other. Forever is a long time. We need constant reminders that we’re on the right path. The complimentary nature of our differences can be that reminder.
• Differences benefit children. I’m not sure what kind of learner Benedict will be, but I know that with Alison and I’s different styles, he’s going to have lots of opportunities to learn new things. Sometimes he’ll need someone to hold him and other times he’ll need some tough love. With Alison and I being different, we can give him exactly what he needs.
• Sameness is boring! Let’s face it, although you’re perfect, you’d be bored being married to yourself. Our differences keep things spicy.
No one is weaker than another or better than another for being different. Our differences cause us to compliment each other. Celebrate your manliness!
Better Than A Purity Ring
Some people believe that in Christian Marriage chastity is no longer a struggle. False.
I’ve really enjoyed the past four years since graduating from Franciscan University. Many of my friends have gotten married and have begun to grow their families. This has been a huge benefit to me personally because I’ve been able to learn a lot about marriage. It’s helped me better understand marriage and avoid making more than a few mistakes.
One of my good friends Rob shared this gem about chastity with me a few months before my wedding. It was really good advice and a simple line that’s stuck with me.
Human sexuality is an extremely powerful part of our nature. It can be used for extreme good, binding spouses together and creating new life. It can also be used for extreme evil, leading to the eventual loss of sanctifying grace. It’s up to us to control it and use it for good.
The reason that sexual temptation is so strong is because regardless of how morally licit or illicit what we’re doing is, it still feels physically good. So many things around us make it seem even more normal. In fact, in some instances, people in positions of authority may encourage us to commit morally illicit sexual acts.
We struggle to see people as people because they aren’t often portrayed that way. In TV shows, movies, plays and art, people are depicted as objects. Even on our own streets, we see people dressing in ways that do not celebrate their dignity or sexuality.
So how do we maintain our purity and chastity in this climate? Some use a purity ring as a reminder that they’ve made a commitment to themselves. But is it enough?
No. The reminder aspect is fabulous, but we need something more. We need action. We need constant prayer and attention.
You can’t achieve holiness without achieving self-mastery. Be vigilant, be alert, and grow daily in purity.
Be Prepared to Give
Being married means living selflessly in a selfish culture.
I’m constantly evaluating my life. I look for behavior patterns, I look for habits and trends that are emerging. When I need to know what the model of being a great husband looks like, I look to St. Joseph. I know that I also frequently fall short of that standard. I want to be selfless, but I know I’ve got a ways to go.
A vocation to the married life isn’t a personal choice we make. Like those in the religious life, we are called to the married life. God has given us a unique set of skills and abilities that prepare us for the married life. It’s not just what we’re supposed to do, it’s what we were made to do.
As husbands, we are the heads of our household. We are charged with the care and protection of our family. It doesn’t have anything to do with social status or job title. It doesn’t have to do with what we can make with our hands or how much is in our bank account. It has everything to do with who we are as human persons.
As a husband you must be prepared to give everything you have.
Marriage is a life of service. So when you said, “I do,” you were really saying “I will.”
I will take care of my wife.
I will put her needs before my own.
I will wake up at 2am and clean up after her when she’s sick.
I will have a warm bath ready for her when she gets home at the end of a long day.
I will wait on hold for 45 minutes with the cable company so she can have access to the internet.
I will do the dishes while she entertains her friends.
I will drive her to all of her appointments.
I will take care of her when she can’t take care of herself and doesn’t remember who I am.
I will.
Love Letters
Marriage is all about daily rediscovery. Being that marriage is a relationship that spans several decades, both you and your wife change. With that change comes the need to constantly tend to your relationship. There are memorable summers and beautiful falls. There are cold winters and rejuvenating springs. One of the best, and most classy ways to keep your relationship in tip top shape is through love letters.
Love letters are great in their own little ways. Here are a few of the best reasons to sit down and write your wife a love letter today.
• Love letters are always welcome. Unlike many of our romantic gestures your wife will never reject a heart felt note from you.
• Love letters help you express feelings that you can’t express verbally. When sharing deep feelings with your wife, it can be a challenge to get the words out. It’s much easier to be expressive with the written word.
• They remind her that she’s loved. Just the thought that you took some of your time to sit down and tell her that you love her tells her all that she needs to know.
• They remind her that she’s the most important thing in your life. She is.
So sit down, pull out a pen and some stationary, and write your wife a love letter today!