You’re A Chef
There are times in the married life when we need to take risks. As men, we don’t like failing. If we can’t do something perfectly the first time, we tend to shy away from trying.
One of the biggest changes this summer for me was taking over the role of household chef. Alison and I eat fairly simply, but some of the recipes can be a challenge. It’s become my goal to have dinner ready when Alison walks in the door.
This is really the first time that I’ve cooked. When I was single, I had about 5 recipes that I cooked, all of which were incredibly simple. Now, I’m moving on to more complex and challenging dinners.
If your wife is responsible for all of the food preparation in your house, you should know that it can be difficult. Having to make dinner every night can get old, especially if she’s not in love with cooking. Taking turns, or even just giving her the night off can be a big deal for her.
The bottom line is that if you can follow directions, you can cook. It’s all about confidence. You literally follow the recipe and after a period of time, the food is ready.
The great thing about taking a night of the week to cook dinner is that it’s an awesome way to love your wife. If you want to make it even more special, let her take a bath while you’re cooking. Have a little snack and drink for her while she’s in the tub. Then, when dinner’s ready, invite her to the table and give her a warm towel to dry off with.
Even better, if your meal requires any time in the oven, you can spend that time getting most of the kitchen clean from your food prep. That means that when dinner is over, you just have to clean the dishes, cups, and serving ware. You did two things for your wife: you cooked AND you cleaned up. That’s being an expert level husband.
This is the genius of being a husband. Love is about more than cost, it’s truly the thought that counts.
So pick a night, start simple, and give your wife the night off.
101 Ways to Love
We all want to be someone great. But do we have the courage to be more than average?
When I turned 14, my parents gave me the gift of flight. My dad has been involved in aviation since 1980. Early in their marriage, my parents discussed how they wanted to give each of their children the ability to learn how to fly, if we wanted to. We were living in Oklahoma at the time, and my dad and I joined a glider club. I studied hard, practiced a lot, and two weeks after my 16th birthday, I earned my pilot’s license.
One of the great things about learning to fly in an environment of military aviators is that safety is in its proper place, first! I learned early on that in order to be a good pilot I’d have to be a constant learner. I needed to be honing my skills so that I was always getting better. Complacency kills in aviation, literally.
There’s a real sickness in our society. We have moved from reliance on husbands and fathers for leadership to an insistence that they live a life of complacency. We don’t want their opinions, we don’t want their input, we really just want them to bring home a paycheck and then get out of our way.
I believe that there are three different kinds of husbands. The great thing about these categories is that you as a husband have the ability to choose what kind of man you’re going to be. At any time you can shift into gear and kick butt. You can also slip into compliancy and revert to being a lame husband. Here’s a closer look at these categories;
• Dead weight. This dude, I don’t even understand him. He’s operating under the assumption that his paycheck is his contribution to the household. He doesn’t do work around the house unless it’s something he wants to do. He moans when he has to take out the trash. He grumbles when he has to mow the lawn. He doesn’t make any meaningful gestures of affection towards his wife. What a loser.
• Average. Most husbands are going to be in this category. Sure, you make an effort, but not as much as you could. You do your share of the chores, you tell your wife that you love her, and you keep the lawn mowed. But, you do things out of duty, not devotion. This husband has a checklist and is marking things off. It’s kind of like going to confession because you did something really wrong, not because you want to grow in your relationship with God.
• Saint. This is the guy. It’s all about the family, it’s all about love. He has hobbies, but none of them interfere with his family life. He has goals, but he crafts his schedule so that he spends the maximum time with his wife and kids. His ideal vacation includes his family. He’s in sync with his wife because he’s serving her well. He knows who he is, he knows he was called to this, and he’s all in.
From time to time, we’re all dead weight. There’s plenty of reasons why: stress, lousy day at work, and truthfully, the married life isn’t always easy. Most of the time, we’re average. And if we’re really dedicated, then we might reach up into the saint level.
Being a husband who’s a saint really isn’t that difficult physically. It’s a mental game. You have to have the courage to do the things necessary to love that well. You have to believe that you can.
Make Her A Hero
Words have power. Words have the ability to build someone up or strike someone down. They have the power to reveal someone’s innermost thoughts or heal a past hurt.
As is probably quite normal in many young families, when we had our baby shower for Benedict, we got tons of books. I have two favorites, My Dad is Brilliant and Big, Brave Daddy. I love hearing Alison read those stories to our son for one particular reason, it makes me feel good about who I am as a father.
As I pondered those feelings further, it struck me. I need to be building up Alison in the same way that she builds me up with those books.
I have a lot to be proud of when it comes to Alison. Being a part of her life is a great privilege for me. I love that I’m able to empower her to heal people by staying home and caring for Benedict. She’s a hero in our community and in the lives of her patients.
No one should ever hear an ill word about your wife from you. Honestly, in my estimation, anytime I’ve been mad at Alison, I’m the root cause. You might find yourself in the same situation. So when we don’t speak well of our wives, we’re doing them a disservice. They’re probably not the problem; we are.
Teach your kids that your wife is a superhero. Tell them why. Whether she’s in the boardroom, the classroom, or in your home nurturing your family every day, she’s a superhero. She has sacrificed things in her life for the good of her family. That’s a superhero in my book.
Tell your parents about the amazing things she does. Tell your friends about the great thing she does.
Marriage is about joy. Live like it.
Lead Your Children by Example
The responsibility of parenthood lies not so much in the direct instruction of children, but more so in setting the right example.
A few weeks ago, Alison and I were invited to a backyard concert. It was a bit of a drive away and Alison had to work the next morning, but we went anyway. It was an intimate setting, about 40 people on a clear, beautiful, DC summer night. The concert featured Joe Zambon and Kevin Heider. It was incredible.
There were several reasons why I voted that we should go, despite the challenges. I know that Alison and I need to have relaxing date nights. I know that we need interaction with peers. I know that Benedict needs new experiences. Above all, I considered the evening to have two very good elements. First, there was the 3 hours in the car of conversations. Second, going to a Catholic concert would be an excellent way to enrich our faith.
I know that being Catholic doesn’t mean just 1 hour per week. I know that the daily struggle is real. I know that we need to be constantly growing, and finding new ways to live our faith.
I know all of this, and I want Benedict to know it, too.
Our children learn a large portion of their behaviors and world view based on our example. That means that Benedict is learning things from me right now, even though all he can say is “ba” and “da.” So even though he doesn’t understand the Mass, he knows we go there on a regular basis.
We have things that we value: faith, wellness, family. In order for our children to value those things, we have to show them that they’re important. I think that physical wellness is important, so Benedict and I go for walks every day. I think that a healthy prayer life is important, so we pray as a family. I think that family is important, so we spend quality time together.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be merciful, but I can be merciful to him.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be compassionate, but I can take him volunteering with me.
I can’t fully explain what it means to be faithful, but I can be excited about living out my faith.
No parent is perfect. But every parent is qualified to lead their children well.
In Marriage, Time Doesn’t Equal Success
In your lifetime, you’ll try many new things. You’ll be an amateur at a lot of hobbies. More important than experience, however, is confidence.
I’ve written before about my supposed qualifications for writing this blog, or really writing anything for that matter. The fact is, I’m confident that I’m not a marriage expert. At the same time, I’m confident that I’m getting better at it every day.
In marriage, time doesn’t equal success and it doesn’t equal wisdom. I know, as you probably do too, couples who were married for 30 years before getting divorced. It’s not like a talent or a job where you put in your time and then BOOM, you’re successful.
So what does this mean for you?
No matter how long you’ve been married, and how well you’ve done so far, today is the day that you start being awesome. Today is the day that you can start having an awesome marriage. It won’t be great right away, but it will be better than yesterday.
So if you’ve been lazy or lost the spark, now’s the time to get it back. Now’s the time to focus on your relationship and be a better player. Now’s the time to get in gear.
There are no marriage experts, only people who’ve successfully lived out their vocation.
It’s never too late to do the right thing.
Meet A Saint
We’re card carrying members of the Communion of Saints. While we spend quite a bit of time rubbing elbows with fellow members on this planet, how much time do we spend kicking it with members who’ve made it across the finish line?
Earlier this year, I came across a suggestion for my spiritual life: make friends with a new saint. I have my usual suspects, the saints I know and ask for their intercession. What about the tons of other saints, who have more in common with me than I may think? As a good friend jokingly used to say, “Popular saints have people bugging them all of the time. Pick an obscure saint, they’ve got all the time in the world for you."
Making new friends can be fun. We should take the time to make some new saint friends. Saints are approachable. Remember, the difference between us and them is that they’ve successfully finished the race, while we’re still running it. They had the same temptations, the same miserable failures, the same glorious triumphs. They had the same crazy Aunt Susan and intolerable classmates.
You can find a new saint using any number of criteria. Look for the patron of your occupation or your native land. Maybe it’s a hobby, a challenge you’re facing, or even a nice vacation spot. If you can think it up, the Church probably has a guy (or gal) for you.
Plan on meeting with your new saints monthly. Chat, explore, learn. Much more than monthly and you’ll probably give up… monthly feels just right, for now.
Saints can be powerful advocates for us here in the Church militant. Pick up the phone.
Schedule A Fast Day
We fast twice per year, both days during Lent. Out of the 365 days of the year, 363 are essentially a food fest. So why does the Church ask us to spend the other two days limiting our food intake?
There’s something cathartic about denying yourself. There’s something truly unique about fasting. You notice just how much you take food for granted. You realize that there are people in the world who experience those hunger pains every single day. You focus less on you. That’s the true power of fasting.
Fasting is about more than just food. During Lent, we fast from other pleasures. We forgo the enjoyment for a greater good. We can better feel our part in the universal Church. We can cut through the materialism of our own self and recognize that we don’t need that “thing.”
Fasting was meant for more than just a few days in one particular Liturgical Season. Fasting is appropriate any day. Anytime we’re stuck in a spiritual rut, or we notice ourselves losing our way, fasting can be a great way to right the ship. That’s because fasting is an incredibly powerful prayer. Your sacrifice can directly translate into grace for someone in your life who’s hurt or suffering. It can also translate into grace that will help you overcome your own struggles.
We all have things in our lives that we’ve let take too big of a role. We’re always on our phones, we plop down on the couch for hours a week, we surf mindlessly on the Internet. I do it, too.
We can change all of that. We can integrate prayer more into our lives. We can use our own voluntary sacrifice to help make someone else’s life easier. We can use our sacrifice to prune our own lives.
Fasting isn’t just for Lent. It’s a tool for us to free ourselves or to lift someone else up.
Take Control of Your Health
There are some things in the world that we have absolute control over. Your health is one of them.
We all have soft spots in our health. We have factors that we acquired genetically. The human body is a complex machine, and complex machines break. The great thing is that for almost any ailment, there are choices we can make that can significantly improve our medical conditions and overall quality of life.
At the end of the day, it’s up to you to be in control of your health. Staying in good health requires work, and work is sometimes the hard choice. You can either do the hard work and reap the benefits, or you can just float down the river and deal with the consequences.
We’re incredibly lucky to live in the information era. Most of the information that we can access is garbage, but there are still a good number of websites and publications that have high quality resources. No matter how obscure or rare a condition, you can find someone else who has it and a physician who’s having success in treating it. We can find information on the benefits of exercise, different forms of exercise, and raw data that proves that a 30 minute walk once a day can make a world of difference.
Benedict and I take a morning walk each day and then come back to the house for a 7 minute workout. It gets me the energy and exercise I need, it gives us a great time together, it gets fresh air in his lungs, and it helps him explore the world. For those keeping score, that’s a win-win-win-win-win.
You have access to a care team of medical professionals. While they have a tremendous amount of experience and knowledge, they can’t help you if you don’t take an active role in your health. Ask questions, understand what’s going on, and help plan out your path to health.
Be involved with your wife! Be an active participant in her healthcare, and rely on her wisdom in your own. Sometimes you’ll both be in the same appointment and walk out with two completely different impressions of what just happened.
The point is this, and it’s very simple. Our health is a gift and it’s up to us to preserve and improve it. No matter what’s going wrong, you can always make it better.
Your health isn’t just for your benefit, it’s for your family.
How to Start Your End of Day Conversations
Questions are powerful. Through the power of questioning, you can open up a whole new world. You learn about people, who they are, their unique story and how they view the world.
Conversations are driven by questions, including conversations with your wife.
There is one question that can really set the gears of gratitude in motion. “What was the best thing that happened to you today?"
I miss Alison during the day. Certainly I’m engaged in many different activities, but no matter how great of a day I’m having, I really look forward to when she’s home and we have some down time together. One of the practices that I’m starting to implement is asking her that fantastic question, “What was the best thing that happened to you today?” I want to know about her day, but I really want to focus on something that she really enjoyed… something that she really knocked out of the park.
Our days have ups and downs. Some days, we’re on it! Other days, nothing seems to go right. Despite what each day looks like to us, there’s always at least one thing that went well. By asking what was the best part of your spouse’s day, you can both start looking at your day from a positive light. Instead of dealing with the negative that bubbles to the surface, you go hunting for the really good things.
The funny thing is, the more you look for the “best thing,” the more good you see. It helps to grow your gratitude muscles. You start to recognize that even in a bad day, there was plenty of good, if you’re willing to look for it. You become more grateful for your work and for the experiences that you had.
We are incredibly lucky to live the lives that we have. Experience deeper gratitude today by asking your wife about the best part of her day.
Keeping Family Prayers Fresh
Family prayers, just like personal prayers, can get a little stale. The problem with stale family prayer is that your little ones will get bored.
It’s a wise idea to set a schedule for changing your family prayer routine. This will help you keep things fresh, but also give you some lead time for planning. Here are a few ideas for ways to change up your routine:
• Pray the rosary. It really only takes about 15 minutes, which is manageable. If it’s going too long on a school night, moving it to your weekend prayer time might be your best bet.
• Petitions. Go around the room and have each family member share their intentions. At the end, collectively pray for them all.
• Scripture lessons. Have you ever had someone blow your mind with the background story of a particular Scripture? It may have been a parable or verse that you’ve heard dozens of times, and when they tell you the historical surroundings, it changes everything? Seek out lessons (my suggestion is to start with anything by Mark Hart) and then teach them to your children.
• Adoration. If you live in an area that has Eucharistic Adoration, take your family and spend some time. Bonus points for making this part of your regular routine.
• Evening Prayer/Night Prayer. The Catholic Church has the Liturgy of the Hours (also known as the Breviary). The Liturgy is prayed by priests and religious five times daily. Have your family pray Evening Prayer (about 10 minutes) or Night Prayer (about 5 minutes) together.
There are endless prayer possibilities. Keep things fresh and keep your family engaged.