Humility in Marriage
Marriage is unlike anything else in our world. It’s a relationship that cannot be fully comprehended without entering into one, and its many layers make it a lifetime effort of discovery. As is normal for human behavior, we try to compare marriage to a relationship that we do understand, bending it to fit into a reality that we can comprehend. The result is error, confusion, and misunderstanding. We often treat marriage like a business transaction, but marriage isn’t a joint venture or partnership.
Marriage requires the sort of humility that doesn’t demand preference, credit, or glory. Marriage requires that both spouses give up their selfishness, sacrifice for the good of the other, and act in ways that foster harmony. No other relationship demands this level of mutual sacrifice. No other relationship can reach this depth.
When we compare marriage to a business transaction, we misunderstand the fundamentals of what marriage is. In business, one must look out for oneself. There’s plenty of marketing, posturing, and the occasional crushing of a rival through scorched earth tactics. Conversely, in marriage, you look out for others before you look out for yourself. The relationship is not about what one can gain, but how one can serve their spouse in a way that helps them to grow and have a better life. While ethical businesses can, and do, survive and thrive, there’s always an element of looking over one’s shoulder at the competition. The permanence and safety of marriage allows spouses to always look to the other without fear of betrayal.
Humility is the essential ingredient in a healthy marriage. Pride builds oneself up at the expense of another. It may not cause direct harm to someone else, but it does have an opportunity cost, funneling resources away from others to oneself. In a marriage laced with humility, everything is done out of love, not in search of credit or glory. Things are done because they’re right, beautiful, and loving. This reality, when lived and fully experienced, is sublime. This type of behavior goes against our fundamental human inclinations, rejects selfishness, and serves the greater good. When one spouse is able to achieve this level of humility, their marriage can’t help but grow. When both spouses reach this level, their marriage becomes utterly and completely boundless.
It’s wise not to be naive about achieving these levels of marital success and humility. Denying yourself and retraining your brain to resist selfishness is a lifelong process. Our humanity is strongly programmed into our decision making and it will prove a challenge to overcome. Yet, it is possible. As you try to grow in humility and charity, especially in your marriage, remember these truths:
• Great teams aren’t made overnight. It takes years of training to make a championship team. Great teams also don’t fail overnight. When a championship team enters the new season, they aren’t likely to end up in last place. But over time, without careful attention, they can fail.
• Expect lots of failures along the way. Leave your past in the past, but let it form and inform your present. By that I mean to understand how you’ve failed in the past, but don’t dwell on it.
• Leave your pride at the door. It doesn’t matter who’s right, who’s to blame, or who isn’t pulling their weight. Give as much grace as you expect to receive.
Marriage is a beautiful garden that requires attentiveness, care, and loving labor. Through time and discipline, you can overcome your innate selfishness, pour your whole self into loving your wife and together reap a bountiful harvest of love, peace, and serenity.
Prepare for Adventure
I don’t know where I’ll be living in two years. In fact, I can only think of one other time in my life when I lived in a house for more than two years, and that was my Junior and Senior years of high school. During college I was only living at home part of the year, meaning that my current stint in Virginia will be the longest I’ve ever lived in one place. As of right now, Alison and I have no idea where we’ll move when she graduates from residency, but I know it’ll be an adventure.
Life offers us all endless opportunities to try new foods, experience new activities, and visit new places. I hope that you’re prepared to enjoy the adventure that life has ready for you, no matter how old you are.
Given my relatively transient life, it’s all too easy for me to consider pulling up stakes and moving to a new town every year or two. In fact, it’s truly the only life that I’ve ever known. It’s from my experience that I hold the belief that we should all be ready and willing to leave the nest and explore the wide open world. Don’t be timid, take a chance and enjoy the adventure of life!
There are all types of adventures that we each get to experience. Parenting is certainly one of them. When Benedict started walking, I was floored (pun intended). I knew it was coming, but to finally see this little guy moving around on two legs, after having known him when he couldn’t even roll over on his own, is so much fun. The best part is the excitement and pride that he has in himself. Each step is deliberate and a cause for joy and celebration. Of course, parenting also has its challenges and I know I’ll have some rough days because of the things that he’ll do. I’m early in this adventure, but I know that despite the hardships, it’s going to be incredible.
We also have adventures of new jobs and careers. You may experience the devastation of a job loss or the uncertainty of a company teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. Although any situation that involves job security can be terrifying, with the right perspective, it doesn’t have to be entirely uncomfortable. Change does present challenges, but it also presents lots of opportunity. You may lose your job, but you might get a better one. You may go on a vacation that’s a complete disaster, but because of the disaster, your family gets to spend lots of quality time together. Challenges are difficult to endure, but as with most things in life, it’s all about perspective.
The best way to experience adventure is to do so with your family. Hold them close and take the leap together. Make choices based on the best interest of your family, and make them with your wife. The absolute best part about being an American is that if this new adventure doesn’t work out, you can always find a new one. There will be another town that you could move to, another activity to try, or another company to work for. Moves are rarely fatal. The world is your oyster, waiting to meet you and share it’s best fruits with you.
We’ve been given this one life. Take care of your health, be open to change, and experience the adventure of a lifetime with your family.
Praying for Kids Vocations
A few weeks ago, Alison called me on her way home from the hospital. She was listening to Catholic radio and the host had suggested that parents pray a monthly novena for their children’s vocations. I instantly thought of the struggles in discerning my own vocation and the benefit that 18 years of constant prayer could gain. We shepherd our children’s lives, why not pray for their vocations?
Discernment is a long and often confusing process. I remember exactly where I was when I realized that my discernment was over. Alison and I were riding in the car shortly before our wedding day and I remember putting my hand on her hand and saying, “We’ve discerned our vocation. I’m so glad that’s over.” Our calling was to the married life and we had found our partner. Since the discernment process isn’t an exact science, there are lots of turns, and ups and downs. Thankfully there are plenty of road signs along the way, but even then, those signs can be hard to read.
Prayer absolutely works. God often doesn’t respond in the way that we want or with the same level of immediacy that we seek. However, He does respond in a time and at a place that’s most beneficial to us. We should pray for our children for help in their discernment process and for their increased attunement with God. This attunement will put them in sync with God and help them to better understand His mind.
As your children grow, this monthly novena idea will provide you with a great chance to talk about vocations with your kids. We need to make sure that we’re giving them information that is both accurate and appropriate. We need to present all vocations as particular calls to holiness and that each can equally lead to sainthood, as well as to despair if one has a selfish heart. We need great priests, we need great religious, and we need great married couples. As this evolving discussion takes place, your children, supported by prayer, will be able to more fully understand the universal call to holiness and how vocation plays a central role in that call.
Praying for your children’s vocations is a wonderful habit that I’d recommend to your family. Alison and I are going to start this family tradition in May on Benedict’s behalf and intend on continuing until all of our children have fully answered their vocation in life.
Giving All of You
Earlier this year, Mark Hart from Life Teen was on Lino Rulli’s The Catholic Guy Show right after Super Bowl Sunday. Mark, an avid sports fan, was discussing how viewing the Super Bowl has changed in the years since he became a father. Predictably, he spent little time actually watching the game this year. Instead, he was helping his wife and interacting with his kids. Mark’s story perfectly illustrates how marriage requires both a full commitment and a willingness to make your wife and family the priority in your life.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of having an “undivided heart” in the married life. In that post, I discussed the internal predispositions that were important for a successful marriage; namely by pouring yourself totally into your marriage without distractions. Today, I want to focus on the exterior application.
None of us are ever fully prepared for marriage. There’s no marriage prep course or “trial marriage” that can accurately and completely portray the dynamics of the married life. In that sense, we’re all exploring and discovering what it takes to have a high quality, low conflict marriage. While we can’t get the full picture of marriage in our marriage prep courses, we can get pieces of the picture. I hope that you had a strong example of marriage in your life while you were growing up. I hope that your parents, grandparents, or an aunt and uncle gave you a good example of what a healthy marriage looks like. Even if you didn’t have a good model, you still understand what sacrifice is. You understand the concept of forsaking what you want for the good of another. You also know how to maintain a relationship, to a degree. It may just be a friendship or a dating relationship, but you know how to manage the various aspects of a relationship so that it’s both low conflict and enduring.
Marriage, unlike any other relationship, is always all-in. It’s not a rubber stamp and it’s not rolling over for the other. Instead, it’s both spouses bringing their best, putting it together, and benefiting and growing together. If either spouse holds back even the smallest amount of good, both suffer. A healthy marriage simply requires all of both spouses: intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. That means stopping whatever you’re doing when your wife needs you. It means making time to pray together, as a family, as difficult as that can be. That means having quality communication time over dinner or at some other point during the day. That means going on walks together, or hikes, or any other type of physical exercise that helps you both live a healthier lifestyle. That means turning off all distractions and devoting your full attention to your wife when she needs help with a problem or needs some other emotional need met. Although this is a sacrifice, it also presents a huge tangible benefit to you. You can’t walk away from quality time with your wife and be unchanged. You can’t walk away from quality time with your wife and not have a healthier, more vibrant, more robust relationship.
Marriage requires proper prioritization. Your spouse must be at the top of the list at all times. There’s never anything more important than what your wife needs. There’s never anything that you’d rather be doing than spending time with your wife. Although you might be fighting, there should be an even stronger desire for reconciliation. Like Mark’s story, even though you want to be watching the game, you’re more concerned with being present to your family.
In order to have a strong, healthy marriage you not only need to bring an undivided heart to the table, you need to back it up with action. Your wife is your top priority, and everything else can wait.
Integrate with Your In-Laws
One of the biggest changes for any newly married couple is feeling out the relationship with your in-laws. In-laws get a bad rap, some rightfully so. However, for the most part, your in-laws are simply a new family that you’re now a part of. It can certainly be awkward, after all, they’ve spent a lifetime together and have a vast trove of inside jokes and shared memories. Although there can be some awkward moments, the best approach is to fully integrate with your spouse’s family. Don’t settle for being an outsider.
This integration with in-laws is arguably the biggest change in new marriages. Both spouses face an entirely new set of traditions and customs. Holiday visitation schedules must be carefully arranged and one set of parents may live considerably closer than the other set. Although you may have dated your beloved for a considerable amount of time before you tied the knot, you likely didn’t have a ton of time to get to know your in-laws. The hurdle is not a barrier, per se, rather the challenge is working through the awkward stage to figure out how the new dynamic will work. You both now have two sets of parents and that’s something totally new.
The best approach to the situation is to go all in. You and your spouse should rely on each other’s knowledge base to help you through all types of situations. For example, while your family might call people on their birthdays, your wife might be able to tell you that particular people don’t enjoy them. Another example would be if her family expects thank you notes for every occasion and yours doesn’t, your wife can help you avoid a serious relationship faux pas. You both have entirely new families that may include multiple siblings and the best thing you can do is to acknowledge that you’re part of the family and integrate as such.
Being a part of a family is a wonderful thing and embracing the wholeness of the married life is critical to your long-term stability and happiness. You now have two support structures, and two families to celebrate in good times, and to comfort in bad times. Your family is now twice as big and that can be a lot of fun as you explore new and different ways to celebrate holidays and to enjoy vacations.
Far too many people allow in-laws to be a hinderance to their married life. By accepting, embracing, and integrating with your newly expanded family, you can enjoy all that an expanded family has to offer.
Complex Sexual Histories
Recently, I’ve been considering the role of men in the family life. It’s a complex issue, and one that no longer has consensus among the masses. In a sense, we’ve forgotten how men should behave and interact with their families. There are many men who want to be good husbands and fathers, but these men find few clues as to how to do it properly. There are also many men who wish to pursue their own desires before being the husband and father that they ought to be, and there are few societal pressures to push them back in the right direction.
As we continue to track towards extreme sexual liberation and rugged individualism, our children are going to face a crippling decision when seeking out a spouse. They will have to untangle extremely complex sexual histories and decide if they can marry someone who has not lived a chaste life. There will always be a certain percentage of young people who will remain chaste before marriage. These young people may have chosen to for religious reasons, out of obedience to the instruction that they had been given by their parents, or out of fear of contracting sexually transmitted infections or becoming pregnant. Although their reasons are varied, they still reach the same conclusion, that sex is reserved for the married state.
Regardless of their reasons and motivations, these chaste young adults may have difficulty finding a spouse who espoused a similar ideal during their teenage and young adult years. Public Health policy and social policies are promoting sexual activity among teenagers by presenting treatments, certain vaccines, and contraceptives as ways of preventing STIs and pregnancy. The real damage of these policies is that, combined with young people’s illusions of invincibility, they remove all objections to having sex and, as a result, kids are engaging in sex at higher rates. These young people don’t have informed consent because they haven’t been presented with the full picture, including the rate of failure of contraceptives and the psychological effects of engaging in sex. In fact, according to clinical studies, 16% of young women will become pregnant in their first year of oral contraceptive pill use. While some teens and young adults will remain chaste, a larger portion will not.
The question then becomes, for those who remained chaste, does an active sexual lifestyle automatically disqualify a future potential spouse? On the one hand, if a person was sexually active in high school, but has abstained since, does that make it a “forgive and forget” the mistakes of youth situation? Or does it demonstrate the moral character of an individual? How do we balance our Christian beliefs of forgiveness with the reality of the consequences of a sexually active lifestyle outside of the married life?
It’s a challenging issue, that’s for certain, and one that I don’t have the answer to. As parents, however, it underscores the importance helping our children understand their sexuality and its proper use. It underscores the importance of helping our kids make good choices and to understand fully the issue of human sexuality. They need to know the beauty of sex expressed in the proper context, the illusion and posturing that their sexually active classmates are projecting, and the medical realities of sex. They need to understand the whole picture by being given fact, not fiction. The pragmatic bottom line is that if a teenager or young adult isn’t ready to be a parent, then they’re not ready for sex. The true bottom line is that a teenager or young adult needs to preserve their chastity not only because it’s the right thing to do, but it’s the loving thing to do.
Parenting is evolving daily, and if we shy away from discussing the hard topics with our kids, we do them a real disservice. Not only will their decision making abilities be compromised, they’ll learn morality from their peers who are no more an authority on the subject than they are.
Stop Joking About Marriage
A few weeks ago, I was getting my hair cut. The barber asked what I did, and I told him that I’m a writer and that I write about Christian marriage. The resulting conversation was about his experience of the married life and the times when he really screwed up. I enjoyed our conversation, but I was a bit uncomfortable with the jokes that he was sharing. I love humor and use it in almost every situation, but, in my opinion, jokes about marriage tend to be more damaging than funny.
Humor is a good thing and it’s essential for a happy life. It’s important for us to be able to laugh at ourselves and to find the bright spots in any situation. Bringing levity to serious situations can help us make it through the day. At the same time, humor tends to influence beliefs. A large segment of the young adult demographic get their news solely from satire TV shows. While comedians can put a fun spin on the day’s stories, if you only get your news from these types of programs, your view of the world is seriously distorted. Without any conflicting information, you might believe that the jokes made about politics, religion, or any other topic covered are fact. Jokes about marriage are potentially just as damaging.
It’s wrong to share jokes that falsely portray marriage. Consider the audience of these jokes; they’re usually kids or unwed adults. Without perspective, like those who get their news solely from satire, these audiences will form poor opinions about the married life or how marriage works based on the lie of the joke. Even worse, marriage jokes tend to either make your wife look bad or make you look spineless. The hyperbole of these jokes is what’s incredibly damaging. You aren’t “always broke,” your wife isn’t “always right,” and she isn’t spending all of “your” money. These jokes aren’t funny, they’re thoughtless.
There’s plenty to joke about in the married life that doesn’t perpetuate false notions. We can laugh about mistakes, awkward situations, burnt dinners or any other number of things. However, when you cross the line into mocking relational dynamics or about aspects that are categorically false, especially to audiences with no alternative information, you do a real disservice to your marriage and to the institution.
Humor is a great thing, but like any other form of verbal communication, think before you speak.
Nip Problems in the Bud
We all have a bit of a flair for the dramatic. While we may despise personal conflict, we’re a bit partial to the excitement and the unknown that the drama incites. There are endless reality TV shows based solely on the generation of drama. Drama is entertaining.
It certainly may be entertaining on TV, but drama in your marriage is poison. Drama, by its very nature, turns people against one another. It demands that someone be blamed, that the fault rests with a single person and that retaliation is justified. The problem is that without a dose of maturity, drama offers no exit plan. Instead, it promotes a cycle of blame, mistrust, and broken relationship. Marriages can be quickly degraded if drama is allowed to take root. The best weapons against drama are transparency and open communication.
Even the most compatible marital partners will have conflict. There’s no getting around the fact that despite numerous areas of similarity, you are both two different people. Not only is it unrealistic to expect to have a no conflict marriage, it can set inappropriate expectations. Life happens. Instead of aiming for an impossible “no conflict marriage,” you should work together to foster a “low conflict marriage.” Not only will you both be more satisfied in your relationship, your kids will also have a healthier, more stable childhood. This low conflict marriage can be achieved by having open communication in your relationship. Open communication fosters a community of love and respect where everyone feels safe expressing their feelings and working them out. It’s only when spouses don’t share their thoughts, feelings, and emotions on a particular topic that drama is able to take root.
Your best offense against drama and the destruction it can bring into your relationship is to keep yourself from going to dark places in your mind. Whenever I’m in conflict, be it with a company or an individual, I play out various scenarios in my mind. In these scenarios, I stage mock arguments and see if I can determine which argument is the strongest. In most cases, the conflict in my mind leads to endless escalation. When the conversations play out in the real world, they tend to be much milder and, frankly, go better. Our minds are creative, but if we don’t keep them in check, they’ll gain too great of a role in our decision making process. Express yourself in conversations and be bold enough to share your feelings, but never retreat into the darkness of your mind. You’ll find that your anger and resentment will grow to unhealthy levels.
The best approach to maintaining a low stress marriage is to manage conflict immediately. Never let it go on for days, festering, eating away at the fringes of your marital relationship. Have the courage to nip problems in the bud by talking openly and honestly with your wife and working through your problems instead of running away from them.
Even Jesus was Tempted
I hate temptation. It’s always so exciting and alluring, especially if I give it any attention at all. All temptation needs is a moment of consideration and, like a fish going after the bait, it’s got me hooked. Not every fish ends up in the boat, however. We have innumerable chances to fight back and break the line before it’s too late. In those times, it can be helpful to remind ourselves that even Jesus was tempted.
No, not even the Son of God, who took on our humanity while retaining His divinity, was immune to temptation. In the desert He went toe-to-toe with Satan and yet, He resisted. In active ministry, He was tempted by the demons He encountered, and even was tempted to walk away from the horrific passion that He was about to endure. I think that there are three great truths contained in the story of Jesus’ temptation in the desert.
First, temptation will come. If it came to the Son of God, you can be certain that it will come to you. It will also be personalized, tailored just for you. Jesus was hungry in the desert, so He was offered food. Jesus was infinitely powerful, so He was offered an opportunity to prove it. Jesus knew He was going to suffer and die, so He was offered an opportunity to worship a new god. We all have weak links. Expect these weaknesses to be exploited and never give an inch.
Second, like Jesus, you can beat temptation. Jesus didn’t hem and haw, He responded decisively. He didn’t consider how good the bread would taste, how vindicated He’d be when the angels caught Him or how nice it would be to not be tortured and crucified. Instead, He rejected the temptations outright. We should do the same.
Finally, just as empty as the temptations were for Him, they are for you. We all can recall a time that we were tempted to do something wrong and were filled with excitement. Then, when we committed the sin and got on the other side, there was only sadness. If you’re like me and have had this experience more than once, you know it’ll always be like this. Like the mean words you always wanted to use to tell off your boss, coworker, or classmate, you always end up feeling guilty. Temptation is the illusion of something great wrapped around something lame. You know it’s going to be lame, so don’t bother with it. Plus, the time you spent distracted by sin is time that you can’t use to do something amazing with your life.
When faced with temptation, especially temptation around the weakest parts of your humanity, take courage. If Jesus was tempted, then you are in good company. Stay in that good company by resisting and overcoming.
Respect Women
Sex sells, even when it’s irrelevant. Watching commercials during the Super Bowl underscores this interesting point. Advertisers and companies use sex to sell things that really have nothing to do with human sexuality, like web hosting or restaurants. We’re a sex-crazed people and it needs to stop.
Many people decry the incidence of sexual assault on college campuses, as they should. At the same time, they buy tickets to see “50 Shades of Grey.” They complain about a hook-up culture, but then demand that contraceptives be provided free of charge in vending machines. Some complain that women aren’t respected the way that they should be, but then call the consumption of pornography “free speech.” If we really want to address our societal issues, we’re going to have to take a collective hard look at the lower level problems that are contributing to this overall tone. We have to be willing to make serious changes in order to have a society that respects the dignity of all people.
First, we must marginalize and eradicate organizations that are implicitly hostile to the dignity of women. It’s challenging to make a case for the benefits of having Greek Life on college campuses when we can’t make it through an entire semester without a national headline about sexual assault, illegal activity, or even death on some college campus at a particular fraternity or sorority house. Common knowledge holds that the raucous parties lead to excessive drinking and sexual assault. Few charges are ever brought and the perpetrators of these felonies are never brought to justice, leaving them free in society to attack again. Criminals must be held accountable for their actions and removed from our society. We must go after the institutions that protect them.
Next, we must stop using women for business gain. Sex sells, so we have to quit buying. The porn industry would wither away if people stopped clicking on their links and paying for their content. Human trafficking and the prostitution that goes along with it would shutter its doors if people stopped soliciting. The fantasy given to us is that these women are all willing participants and yet, many aren’t. The reality is the incidence of drug abuse, suicide, and depression is significantly higher among porn actors than it is among the general population. Even if someone is a willing participant at the time, few walk away without guilt, regret, and shame. By supporting these types of industries we support the institutionalized denigration of women and that’s wrong.
Finally, we have to stop telling women that they’re only valuable if they’re men. Women have the awe-inspiring ability to support and nurture life within their bodies, and that fact alone merits great deference. Women have every right to enter into the workplace, make valuable contributions, and be compensated commiserate with their performance. They shouldn’t feel compelled to act like their male counterparts in order to gain the respect of their company and equal consideration for advancement. Women have a unique perspective to offer the world. We don’t need more men, we need more diversity of opinion.
If we want to live in a world where both men and women are respected and valued as human persons with dignity, we need to address the underlying issues. Women especially are victimized and used for profit and, as men, we need to withhold support from people, companies, and industries who base their profitability on the denigration of women.