Embrace Confession
In what I suspect is a universal experience among Catholics, I always get nervous in the Confession line. Despite my years of frequenting the Sacrament, there’s always a bit of a pit in my stomach that eases the moment that Confession is over. While this pre-Sacrament anxiety is a momentary discomfort, I’d hate to think that it alone is keeping people away from the grace of Confession. When you consider the power of the Sacrament, what’s the worst that could happen?
We all have anxiety and bear the invisible burden of guilt because our sins. These things won’t simply go away on their own. No matter how big or small our sins are, there seems to be a weight that we carry around, only realizing its presence as we leave the confessional. For whatever reason, I always feel lighter as I walk away and complete my penance. I feel like a new person because I no longer have to carry around the burden of my sins. The anxiety that I feel right before Confession is more like a gentle reminder as to why this Sacrament is so important than it is a punishment for my indiscretions. It’s a tool to harness and use to make better decisions in the future and the anxiety always breaks when I’ve received absolution.
Naming your sins is extremely painful. Despite the absolute seal of privacy that the Sacrament affords us, we can find ourselves quibbling or struggling to find the words to name what we’ve done. The indictment against us is clear as day in our minds, but we struggle to verbalize it. That’s because it’s difficult for us to face our true selves in the Sacrament. It’s hard to realize just how far we’ve fallen and how foolish our sins have been. Sin didn’t live up to the promises that it made, and we feel dumb for falling into its trap. Use the discomfort of naming your failings as a motivation to not commit those sins again. Make it the last time that you ever have to confess that particular sin.
We let fear creep up in our mind. We fear someone outside of the confessional hearing us, the priest recognizing our voice, or even being yelled at. Yet, those fears are baseless. I’ve been going to Confession for almost 20 years, all across the country and around the world, and I’ve never been yelled at once. There were challenging Confessions, and there were uncomfortable ones, that’s for sure, but I’ve never been scolded. When I do have a difficult Confession, I’ve come to regard it as it truly is, God challenging me to step up my game. While Confession is meant to be an ocean of mercy and a bath of grace, it’s not meant to be an enabler. If Confession was an easy out, there’d be nothing stopping you from going out, committing the same sin again, and then coming back. It should challenge you to be a better person, and it should remind you of the vast depths of God’s love. There’s nothing to fear in the Sacrament.
Three minutes of discomfort in the Sacrament is a small price to pay for a do over. Better than carrying around guilt and better than falling deeper into the snare of sin, Reconciliation stands at the edge of the World, catching souls before they fall off into the abyss. Although you may never get over pre-sacramental anxiety, it is but a small reminder of the life that you’re giving up in exchange for all of the love and promises of a God who loves you.
Nocturnal Adoration
When I was in Middle School, my Mom and I signed up for the local chapter of the Nocturnal Adoration Society. Once a month, we’d get up and go to a Holy Hour in the early morning hours, I believe it was around 2am. Since then, I’ve been a member of multiple parishes where 24-hour adoration was offered. There’s something really special and still about scheduled Adoration at night.
When you get up and go to Adoration while the rest of the world sleeps, you’re able to achieve a deeper level of prayer and quiet. There’s nothing to distract you at 2am, other than a nagging desire to sleep. Everything is quiet, still, and silent. You’re able to direct all of your attention and focus on just prayer. It’s a state that’s difficult to achieve during the day when your phone may be buzzing, the UPS man comes to your door, or any number of other distractions creep up.
Nocturnal Adoration isn’t easy, that’s for sure. If you have kids, there’s an ever-changing work schedule, or even if you have a medical condition that’s agitated with interruptions to your sleep schedule. If you face any of these challenges, I have no good answer for you. Yet, I’d encourage you, if you ever have the opportunity, even just once, to go and pray in Adoration for an hour early in the morning, take it. Everyone deserves to know the peace that the morning stillness can bring to a restless heart.
Quality Time Takes Time
The difference between men and women becomes abundantly clear when it comes to quality time. For men, quality time is like any other allocated time during the day, a set period of time with specific objectives that, once complete, can be moved on from. Women tend to have a more fluid concept of quality time. It’s an undetermined length of time and is fulfilled after a certain level of connectedness is reached. In order to help reconcile these differences, I’ve concluded that we men just need to concede this point. You can’t rush quality time and expect meaningful results.
When you and your wife desire quality time, I recommend that you schedule it somewhat in advance. The amount of lead time varies, but you need enough heads up so that you can clear at least two hours in your schedule. This doesn’t need to be a calendar appointment, but if you usually read in the evening and your wife wants some quality time, you need to make sure you get your reading out of the way earlier in the day so that it’s not hanging over you during your time together. It’s also important that you not watch the clock. We spend all of our day adhering to a schedule and it’s important that just for these few hours, you not worry about it.
Distractions are the enemy of quality time and they detract from an atmosphere of bonding. Take off your watch, put away your electronics, and just enjoy your time together. There may be other less obvious distractions and I’d hate for you to think that as long as you had taken care of putting your electronics away that there’d be no distraction. Distractions may also include a mess that needs to be cleaned up, a project that needs to be put away, or any other thing, project, or task that will divert your attention away from the quality time at hand. You know those things that distract you, so take care of them!
Finally, enjoy the process. Yes, this is time that you could be spending in several other ways, but you’ve chosen to share it with your wife. This is going to be a time of lowered stress and will be a great chance to bond with your wife. In the moment, it’s the best possible way to spend your time. Quality time takes time, and there’s no way around it. By planning for it, putting away any distractions, and simply enjoying the time together, you and your wife can both walk away from any time spent together satisfied that you’ve made a wise choice and are now a closer, happier couple.
Staying On Budget
Going over budget is never a good thing. Not only does it mean that you have to find the money somewhere else, it also means that you’ll experience a setback on your progress towards your current goals. There are two main reasons why people over spend: they didn’t budget enough money to start with or they didn’t anticipate certain expenses. If you’ve been diligently budgeting for a while, going over budget probably isn’t a result of irresponsibility, it may just be poor planning.
Good budgeting requires attentiveness. As time progresses, certain parts of your budget will need to be increased, while others can be decreased. Take Alison and I, for example. We’ve had the same budgeted amount for food since very early in our marriage. Now that Benedict is eating all solid food, our grocery budget is starting to get tight. So, it’s time for us to take a hard look at how much to increase our budget by. We also tend to run low on Household Goods money due to a number of small appliances that have needed to be replaced. A better technique would be for us to allocate above our normal monthly budget to cover those replacements.
If you’re overspending in your budget, it most likely is in either your grocery or household goods categories. That’s because most of us underestimate the amount that’s needed in both of those categories. Nutrition is important, so while we should be frugal, we can’t starve ourselves because it typically leads us to eating out. When you see a trend of overspending in the same category month after month, it’s time to accept reality, make a modest increase, and then move forward.
It can be helpful to have a prioritized list. For example, Alison and I categorize each household goods item as need versus want. We buy the needs immediately and the wants at the end of the month with the leftovers. A “need" would be soap, toothpaste, and other essentials while a “want" would be a replacement blender or other kitchen appliance. This approach ensures that we have enough for the essentials throughout the month.
It’s important to not make unilateral changes. The monthly budget committee meeting is where all of the decisions should be made. It’s too much of a burden for one spouse to have to be the keeper of all of the information. Work with your wife, make smart decisions, and fix the problem.
Overspending can be the result of irresponsibility, but it’s more likely that a family who budgets consistently simply has a planning issue. Ensure that your budget levels are appropriate for your family’s situation and get back into the black.
How to Deal with Traffic
Our National Driver’s Education curriculum needs to be overhauled. At least half of the teaching time needs to be devoted to courtesy on the road. We all have a tendency towards road rage and frankly, it’s too often justified. When we get behind the wheel, it’s as if an alter-ego takes over and all human decency goes out the window. Many of the delays and traffic jams are caused by people being jerks. One day this Spring, Benedict and I were caught in some heavy traffic on our way to pick up Alison from work. While in a 20-minute traffic jam, I saw a man who had all of his windows down, his headphones in, and smoking a cigar. While I don’t approve of the headphones, I do approve of his attitude. He was in traffic, there was no way to avoid it, so he was going to enjoy it.
We can all learn a lot from this man. First, we should plan ahead. If you’re traveling during a busy time, give yourself extra time to get where you’re going so that you have nothing to stress about. The drive takes however long it takes and there’s nothing to be done about it, so that extra time is your safety net. As long as you know how long it will take to get to your destination, and you leave yourself plenty of time, there will be nothing to worry about. It may take 30 minutes longer than it usually does, but you’ll still arrive on time, and that’s all that you need to be concerned about.
Next, remain calm. Bring some great music in the car or enjoy your company. If the weather is nice, roll down the windows and feel the breeze. Look around at the scenery and notice things that you wouldn’t notice at 70 miles per hour. Make this an experience, not something to dread.
Finally, get good intelligence. I use the Waze app everywhere I drive, so I know the best route. Waze helps me minimize the amount of traffic I sit through, although some of it is inevitable. Of course, no matter what, you’ll run into a bunch of jerks trying to cheat the system, but there’s no use getting mad at their poor etiquette. There’s nothing to be done.
While we may never get all of the jerks off of the road, there are certainly things we can do to make our traffic jam experience more bearable. Leave with plenty of time to spare, relax, and remain calm. Do all of these things and you may find yourself a happier driver, even in the worse traffic jams.
Give to the Beggar
Earlier this summer, Alison’s family was in town and we made the trek into DC. While there, I was particularly struck with the number of beggars on the street. Certainly there were more on the street than in previous trips due in part to the nicer weather. Yet, for whatever reason, I was particularly struck with compassion. At one point, I saw a man literally eating trash off of the street, right here, in our Nation’s capital. I think that many of us refrain from giving beggars money for a number of reasons, but lately my thinking has been evolving.
In the old model, when I would see beggars, I may have questioned their validity. Certainly you’ve seen investigative journalists do stories on your local news revealing so-called beggars on street corners who walk away and get into nice cars. We’ve also questioned how a beggar may spend any money that we give them. Will they buy cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs? In those cases, wouldn’t our “gift” contribute to their continued problems? We’ve also convinced ourselves that there are government programs to help these people, and while there certainly are such programs, they can be hard to access.
Although this old way does have some merit, I’ve started to move towards a new way of thinking. I think that if I give money to someone who asks, the sin is not mine if they use it to buy drugs. Instead, the greater sin would be to refuse to help if I had the means to help. I’ve begun to carry around small amounts of cash in my wallet. My system is simple; if I see a beggar and feel moved by compassion in my gut, then I’ll pull out my wallet and help. We need to get back to a point where we see all people as humans, looking on all people with compassion. We know what helpless and hopeless looks like, and in those cases, we can help with a clean conscience. I’m proposing that we take each situation on a case-by-case basis and that we trust our own intuition.
I don’t think there’s a wrong approach. If you decide to not give directly to beggars, but instead to charities that reach out and help them, that’s a good thing. If you give small amounts of cash or restaurant gift cards to beggars on the street, that’s a good thing. The important thing in this whole discussion is that you help, either by doing it yourself or by empowering an organization to do so. Let’s never forget about these poor souls who need our help.
Blazing Your Own Path
I wish I had started my web design business back in college. The free enterprise system and the American Dream are built on the idea that if you can do something or sell something, then the only limiting factor is you. You don’t need anyone’s permission. Just get out there and get it done. If I had started years ago, I’d be in a very different place right now. Yet, I’m not going to spend much time dwelling on those missed opportunities. Instead, I’m going to blaze a path forward.
Too many of us live in fear when it comes to our careers. We crave job security, yet job security is a myth. Any company, at any time, no matter how big or small can either grow exponentially or be days away from closing their doors. We desperately want pay raises, but while performance is a must, a company can only afford so much compensation. It’s a great strategy to not put all of your eggs in one basket.
If you want to blaze your own path, if you want to work on some passion that you’ve always had, start small and start on the side. Keep pushing hard at your day job, get home and push hard for a few more hours on your side job. Limit your expenditures, grow slowly, and know that if you can drive it forward, you can win. You may not be ready to work full time on your side job today, but you might be ready next year, or in two years.
If you have something that you truly love, find a way to build it into a business, work like crazy, and make it happen. The only thing standing in between you and success is you. Push, charge, fight, and win.
Be Emotionally Present
Growing up, one of the staples of my day happened just before bed. As I lay in bed, my dad would come into my room and we’d have a “goodnight talk.” These few minutes just before I fell asleep would be full of conversation, jokes, and inevitably, some tickling. We could discuss whatever I wanted, I could ask any question because it was my time. Perhaps my favorite goodnight talk would be when my dad “made” me into bread, which was essentially a few minutes of tickling, rolling, and general silliness. There’s so much talk in parenting circles today about the importance and impact of strong fathers and my dad’s goodnight talks could be a case study in effective parenting. Perhaps the most difficult part about his being deployed so often was that we’d miss out on many goodnight talks.
In a world of distractions, it’s critically important that we, as husbands and fathers, be ready to drop whatever we’re doing for our family. We know that downtime is often filled with surfing the internet, mindlessly playing a game on our phone, or any number of other activities. These distractions tend to leave the family in a group of silos, each doing their own thing completely cut off from one another.
While alone time is certainly a good thing, time together is also a good thing. Spend some of your free time doing something together, like watching a movie without phones or reading together in the family room. Yet, the danger is not in the time or the activity itself. The danger is becoming so engaged in something, that you’re unable to be emotionally present to your family.
Being emotionally present is the same as being emotionally available. The lives of your entire family, though moving in the same general direction, are essentially different timelines. That means that while you’re grilling on the deck, your daughter might get into a fight with a friend. While you’re reading a book, your wife might be in a place where she really needs to process an issue from work with you. While you’re planning an important project, your son might need to talk to you about a situation he’s found himself in. If you’re emotionally present to your family, you’re able and willing to stop doing whatever you’re doing, at any point, and give your full time and attention to the family member that needs you.
While this may seem to be an inefficient time management technique, the fact is that you’ll still have plenty of time to work through whatever you’re working on. Problems aren’t constantly boiling over and requiring your attention, and honestly, it’s far more important for your family to know that you’re available than for them to actually use your availability. Just the fact that they know that they can come to you at any time, for any reason is really all that they need to feel secure, and to be better able to work through their problems independently before bringing them to you. Beyond being available, have dedicated times for communication, like my dad’s goodnight talks. This will create a chance for your wife to share whatever is going on her in life and for your kids to be reminded, again, that they’re loved.
Having an emotionally present husband and father is a huge asset to your family. Your kids will be more stable and better able to thrive in their environment and your wife will know that she can rely on you at any moment when she really needs you.
Deck Life
Our townhouse has a small and very cheap deck built onto the back. It doesn’t sit very high off the ground and the wood is in terrible shape. It was built sixteen years ago and hasn’t been treated, cleaned, or stained ever. While it’s nothing fancy, it’s a decent place to hang out. This year for my birthday, my parents got me several deck items from IKEA and now it’s an amazing place to hang out at night! If you have some outdoor space at your home, dress it up a bit and enjoy these summer nights outdoors with great company.
There’s something romantic about summer nights. The sun doesn’t set until late, and the relative cool of the evening brings relief after hot days. It’s magical to be outside, listening to great music, hanging out with friends, and enjoying a beer. It’s the kind of night that’s the stuff of legend. Yet, even if you don’t have friends over, it can be awesome to just hang
out with your wife, read a book, or watch a movie under the stars.
Beautiful nights should be enjoyed as much as days. When the weather is just right, I long all day for the sun to go down so that Alison and I can go out on the deck and enjoy the night. It’s slow-paced, relaxing, and just a great atmosphere. Hanging out on the deck brings the day to a perfect close. Plus, if you can see the stars from your home, it’s really an injustice for you not to go outside and enjoy them.
When you can, bring friends out onto your deck at night. Keep it to an intimate setting, but relax and enjoy the company. Nights under the stars and lit by soft deck lighting is the perfect fluid for great conversations. Laugh, eat, drink, and enjoy life.
Whether or not you have a deck, it’s just as important to enjoy the summer nights as it is to enjoy the summer days. So grill up some food, invite some friends over, and marvel at the night sky.
Drink More Water
Growing up, my Dad drank a lot of water. So much so, that he had a Brita filter in the refrigerator that was for his use only. Of course, that rule only existed because my siblings and I loved cold water, but hated refilling the pitcher. For the longest time, I hated water and lived almost exclusively on milk. Yet, over the past few years, I’ve reversed course and moved almost exclusively to drinking water. We underestimate the importance of water in our lives, to our detriment.
Water is the fluid that powers our bodies. It keeps things moving, clears impurities and helps our organs and digestive systems operate at full capacity. Water truly quenches thirst and provides tons of benefits to our health. Yet, we either forget about it, or we avoid it because of taste or because it causes our bathroom use to increase. Given its innumerable benefits, and the clear advantage that water has over any soda, we should really plan to increase our intake throughout the day.
It’s generally suggested that we drink 64oz of water a day, more so if you’re physically active. 64oz is the equivalent of four 16oz glasses, which really means that if you have a glass of water at each meal and then one at another time during the day, you’ll hit the magic number. What I’ve found is that the more water I drink, the more I want it. It’s very similar to the body desiring more healthy foods after you eat something healthy.
Over time, as you maintain your water intake, your body will adjust and your bathroom use will decrease. If health is your goal, there’s just no way around the need to increase your water consumption. It does a body good and can help you feel great. I encourage you to take a look at how much water you’re drinking and ensure that you’re at least getting 64oz a day. You’ll be so glad you did.