Regroup Weekly
I clean our house every Saturday, both inside and out. The laundry is done, the floor is vacuumed, the car is washed, the bathrooms are cleaned, and the lawn is mowed. Saturday evening is a great time of relaxation for me because everything is in its place. By the following Friday, life has happened and the house needs cleaning again. I maintain this weekly schedule because at some point during the week, everything goes off the tracks and I need a reset.
Just as my cleaning routine has a weekly cycle, so too does your life. Once a week, you need to take an hour or so and get your life put back together. Reorganize your to-do list, prioritize your projects, and plan the path forward. Weekly cleaning allows me the time to address the building clutter. We all have clutter that builds up in various ways and while we usually intend to address the issues, there always seems to be a steady encroachment. This weekly planning time is a new chance to maintain cleanliness and to restore order in your home.
Weekly planning gets you ready for the week ahead. Various factors impact your weekly schedule, so taking an hour or two either at the end or beginning of the week will help you to get everything realigned. Sickness may have taken two productive days away from you, a new project may have started, or you may even have gotten ahead on your to-do list. The better prepared you are for the week ahead, the more productive you’ll be. When you feel boxed in by clutter or overwhelmed by a long to do list and no plan for completing those tasks, it becomes easy to fall into a rut. By setting aside time each week to regroup, both in cleaning and planning, you can be better prepared for the week ahead and ensure that small problems don’t become major roadblocks.
Resolve Conflicts
Far too many of us carry around burdens that we don’t have to endure. Mistakes from the past haunt our daily lives and direct our actions. The guilt remains because, although time has passed since the incident, it remains unresolved. In the spiritual life, we have the Sacrament of Confession. The Sacrament is a time to talk it out, and receive forgiveness for our past mistakes. In our interpersonal lives, we need to make amends. Don’t let your mistakes be enduring.
We’ve all made plenty of mistakes. Some are due to youthfulness, others to stupidity, and others to selfishness and pride. Regardless of the reason, they all point back to us. We’re the cause of the error and that means that it’s up to us to fix it.
The worst possible response to an error is often the one that’s driven by shame: to do nothing. While we may have the capacity, ability, and the contrition to make amends and move on, shame keeps us quiet. It’s just a little too painful, a little too raw for us to breach the topic again. That’s no way to live. We need to summon the courage within, draw from our strength of character, and confront the person. We need to stand up, admit our fault, and sincerely apologize.
You both deserve more. You both deserve the freedom to move on. You both deserve the peace of resolution. Charity demands it and, frankly, mercy is more satisfying than revenge. We tend to get into the worst fights with those whom we are closest with. That means that the ongoing acrimony is preventing both of you from enjoying your friendship. Be bold, be brave, and make amends.
Fighting Financial Fatigue
Perhaps the most difficult struggle that any of us face in reaching our financial goals is the inevitable long journey it takes to reach them. Most of us have goals that are far in the future, like buying our own home, getting out of debt, or retiring in comfort. When we strive to reach a goal that we’ve never before experienced, it can be easy to fatigue on the goal, and to start losing ground. It’s in those moments that your resolve is truly tested.
I’ve found that I start to slip in my determination when I stop dreaming. Financial goals require a lot of dreaming because of their long-range nature. I have to dream about what life will be like when I’m debt free, when I play with my kids in a real yard, and how glorious traveling the world without a schedule or obligations will be. It’s only in the moments that I lose focus, when I stop dreaming about tomorrow and only worry about today, that I slip.
When you find yourself in the danger zone of budget fatigue, ask yourself these four questions:
Why am I working towards this goal?
How different will my life be when I reach it?
What’s broken in my system?
How can I move past today’s problem and get back on track?
When you take a moment to answer these questions you can remember why you’re sacrificing today and better guarantee a happier tomorrow.
Know Your Story
In the not too distant past, I didn’t care much about my family’s genealogy. I knew about my parents and my grandparents, and that was sufficient for me. This viewpoint was completely the opposite of Alison’s, which espoused the joy and adventure of both learning about your history and then going to visit those places. While studying abroad, she took a few trips to European ancestral hometowns and got a small taste of what her ancestors saw and did. For whatever reason, last year, I became intensely interested in my family’s story and embarked on a family genealogy project to learn all about my family tree. I’ve concluded that by understanding your family’s story, you can better understand yourself.
We share a connectedness with our ancestors. At some point, someone in our family made the brave decision of getting on a boat and making the treacherous and uncomfortable boat trip across the Atlantic in hopes of a new and better life in the United States. Their bravery, determination, and frankly, their grit, set in motion a series of events that led to our lives here in America. We’re living where we are because of them. Their sacrifices have yielded tremendous opportunities for us. Beyond just our physical location, we may be benefiting from all sorts of legacies that they left for us, including crafts, hobbies, careers, and faith. So much about what our ancestors did is reflected in our lives, perhaps even in our names.
It can be exciting to learn even the most mundane facts about our ancestors. You can see their handwriting in documents or glean their job history from census data. You might even learn that your ancestors just 100 years ago didn’t know how to write. You might find their name on ship’s manifests or see their marriage license. This time-traveling sleuthing is an adventure in and of itself.
I was wrong when I considered there to be little value in knowing my ancestor’s story. Their story is my story. So much of me is because of them. I invite you to take some time, do some digging, and explore your own family’s history. Know your story and have pride in the sacrifice that your ancestors made so that you can be who you are, where you are, in the land of opportunity.
Walking for Health
Earlier this year, as the temperatures began to rise and Spring poked its head out, Benedict and I started seeing more and more residents along our street spending time outside. Some were just sitting on their porches, others were doing yard work, and still others were playing with their kids. More than a few came up and talked to us, for the first time, and noted how much they enjoyed seeing us out and about, even in the bitter cold winter months. As it turns out, Benedict and I are well known in our neighborhood.
My preferred form of exercise used to be running. I liked challenging myself and trying to beat personal bests. About 3 years ago I converted to walking for health after developing IT band syndrome. What I learned about the benefits of walking surprised me. Walking regularly can have the same positive benefits on heart health as running. Even more exciting, regular walking (10,000+ steps per day) leads to weight loss. As it turns out, excellent exercise doesn’t have to be unpleasant.
The average American walks around 3-4,000 steps per day. Generally speaking, 10,000 steps per day or more would describe an active adult. I use a Fitbit to track my steps (and compete against friends and family) and it helps me not only measure my daily progress, but it encourages me to keep moving. When I’m actively working towards an exercise goal, I won’t sleep until I hit my daily step goal.
While walking does take more time than other forms of exercising, it can be just as interesting. You can explore your neighborhood and community by using varied routes. Keep things interesting by having routes that span different distances so that on days when you don’t need as many steps, you can shorten your workout. On other days when you’ve got all the time in the world, you can get in a few more steps.
Walking can be fun. I’ve already mentioned the competition feature with Fitbit, but even a comparison for yourself between last week and this week can be fun. Use this time to listen to music, podcasts, or audiobooks. Take your wife or your kids with you. Look at the architecture of different homes and plan to build your dream home. Stop in at yard sales and keep your eyes pealed for good deals on used cars. Exercise doesn’t have to be boring or tedious. In fact, it can be an adventure.
Walking for health is perhaps the best way to exercise. It’s a one size fits all approach that allows for you to get healthier without overdoing it.
How to Move Past the Worst Mistakes
Perhaps the most painful mistakes you or I will ever make will involve money. Bad buying decisions, late payments, or even bouncing a check are all extremely embarrassing life events. We all struggle to let go of dumb money mistakes that we’ve made in the past. Yet, your mistake might not even be an external money mistake. Sometimes money mistakes involve only your family, like going over budget on something. Even though it only involves your family, it’s still embarrassing. It’s incredibly important that you be able to forgive yourself and to forgive your wife for money errors.
We’re all sensitive about money mistakes. Money is like a scoreboard, so when you mistakenly blow some, you feel dumb. Paying fees, fines, or penalties stings because there are so many other great things that you could’ve used that money for. Not saving enough for your child’s college may cause them to miss out on their dream school, running that red light could set you back a month on your goal, and forgetting to pay a bill could cost you late fees. Whenever we have a negative money event, it hurts us on a personal level.
Money mistakes will happen. If you’re working, generating income, and making transactions, you’re going to make a mistake somewhere. It’s a statistical reality. Consider the sheer number of transactions that go through your bank account every month! Learn your lesson and move on; don’t let it be a drag on your life.
If your wife is the one who committed the mistake, be exceedingly patient with her. Empathize with her. After all, you know exactly how she feels. Help her work through the issue by showing her that it’s not a catastrophe, just a bump in the road. This can be a moment that either devolves into a fight or brings you closer together. Support her and build up your relationship.
The most important reason for you to move on from money mistakes is that if you obsess over it, you make money your god. You lost some, ok, go out and get some more. Work a little harder, sell something, do whatever you need to in order to get things going in the right direction again. But don’t let this become the headline that dominates your days.
You’re bound to make money mistakes. When you do, fix the problem and move on. Your family will be glad you did.
How to Help Your Wife Live Her Dreams
Alison has been accepted into a medical Natural Family Planning course later this year. I’m not sure how long this has been a dream of hers, but a year into her medical career, I know that she’s eager to live this dream. It’s important that while you’re chasing your dreams, you ensure that you’re doing all that you can to support your wife’s. After all, she supports you in everything that you do.
Depending on your wife’s particular dream, your role will vary. If she’s training for an athletic event, you can help with menu planning, food prep, or child care during her training time. If she’s trying to launch a business, you can adjust your demands on her time. No matter what she’s doing, you can’t do it for her, but you can do other things around her that will allow her to pursue her dream. Be tenacious and willing to sacrifice some of your time so that she can do something that she’s really passionate about.
Your full commitment is required in order for her to be successful. None of us can accomplish anything on our own as we rely heavily on our spouses for support. If you’re half-hearted in supporting her dream, she may never fully accomplish it. That’s the worst case scenario. Give her everything that you’ve got. Find new ways of helping, cheer her on, and do all that you can to help make her a success.
As a married couple, you’re a team. Your wins are shared, as are your losses. By helping your wife live her dreams, you not only help her to have a better life, but you help your family have a better life. You all get to share in the glory of a win.
Chase your dreams, pursue your passions, and do everything you can to help your wife do the same.
Stop Sin in its Tracks
In aviation, all mishaps, crashes, and fatalities are the result of a chain reaction of decisions. Each link in the chain contributes to the overall accident, and yet, breaking a single link is all that would have been required to avert disaster. The same is true in our spiritual lives. Sin doesn’t just happen. Rather, it’s the culmination of bad decision making and missed opportunities to choose a different outcome.
While sin is usually preceded by many decisions, it’s increasingly important that we not submit in defeat. Sin can be beat, it can be stopped, and we can sum up the courage to choose a better life for ourselves.
Our conscience is a very powerful tool in our daily decision making. Although over time it can be perverted, it nevertheless keeps fighting, albeit in a more muted manner. In action, our conscience throws up multiple flags, warning us of impending danger. Each flag, each nag, each feeling of unease, is an opportunity for us to choose something different. Sin is always appealing until you act on it. Once on the other side, it has no further reason to masquerade as something fun or exciting. Instead, it’s laid bare (pun intended) and we see the destruction, unhappiness, and pain that it brings.
In the fight, temptation and sin remain appealing. That reason alone should be all the motivation that we need in order to keep us in control. You control you. By ceding that control to anyone, or anything else, you give up the greatest bargaining chip that you have. When you’re in control of your thoughts, desires, and actions, you’re fortified against the empty attacks of temptation. When you cede control of your thoughts or your actions, or your emotions, you become increasingly susceptible to sin.
We all face varying degrees of temptation, and sometimes we’re stronger than at other times. Fix problems as they come. You’ll always have a principal sin, that big sin that you struggle with. Yet, over time, as you root out one principal sin, it’s replaced by a weaker, less destructive one. You work to minimize both the strength and danger of your principal sin.
Despair is a tool of the Devil, and it’s used to get us to give in where we otherwise may not. The fight is difficult, and the struggle is real, but each one of us has within ourselves the capacity and ability to stop sin in its tracks. Choose something different. Choose something better. Choose freedom.
Work Needs A Finish Line
The line between on the clock and off the clock has been blurred beyond recognition. Today’s workforce is finding it increasingly difficult to stop working. Ever. We work at home in the evening, in the morning before work hours begin, and even, sadly, on vacation. I’ve allocated myself 7 hours during the day for work and, to be completely honest, I struggle to stop working even then. When I lay my head down in the evening, I’m exhausted from a day full of work and chasing Benedict.
We need to develop a hard stop in the evening. We know where the starting line is in the morning, but we’ve lost the finish line in the evening. Work will expand to the time that you give it, and there will always be more things for you to do. By initiating a time that’s a hard stop in the evening, you know where the finish line is. Once you cross it, you’re done until the next day. It really is that simple and it really is completely necessary.
Our work needs boundaries. We were made to work, and work is a very good thing- when it doesn’t take more than its share of your time. Work provides for your family, helps you grow as a person, contributes to your sense of dignity, and helps your customers to live a better life. Yet, when work creeps into off time and family time, it not only burns you out, it robs your family of the time that they’re due.
A hard stop in the evening can make you more productive. If you know that you stop working at 5:30pm and that’s all the time that you have, you’ll naturally stay more focused. There isn’t any bonus time, there aren’t any more minutes after 5:30pm. Here’s what you have to work with, now go get it done. You’ll surf less, daydream less, and you’ll also skip low importance tasks that might have suckered you in before. It’s a productivity tip that’s proven to work.
Your life needs space. You need time to focus on the other aspects of your life so that you’ll remain a balanced, healthy person. Plus, working too much will lead you to hate a job that you might truly love. Burnout gets the best of far too many people, and the quickest way to get there is by working endlessly.
Find a hard stop time in the evening when you know you can achieve it 80% of the time. If you have a job with a lot of night meetings, you need to be creative. More likely than not, you can find that hard break. Commit to it and then do it! Once you hit that hard stop, leave everything for the morning. Your wife will be glad you did.
Don’t Let Vice Kill You
You’re likely a pretty good person. You go about your life doing the right thing every day. You have responsibilities to your wife and your family, and you do them admirably. You’re an above average husband and a dedicated father. This is the image the that World sees, and it’s the one that you hope you’re presenting. Your interior life, your spiritual life, is probably somewhere around average, though it does have one thing weighing it down. It’s a common struggle that we all share. We have a vice, a singular sin is holding us back, but we can’t seem to shake it. I call it our “principal sin.”
We’ve grown pretty comfortable with sin. It’s almost as if we have a certain level of tolerance for it and as long as we’re within that tolerance, we let things slide. We accept a certain level of uncharity, a certain level of laziness in our prayer life, and a certain level of whatever else our particular character deems ok. We’re comfortable, and it’s incredibly dangerous. Sin presents a real and present danger in your life. Small sin takes root, grabs hold of you, and branches out. Realistically, we will all have some sin in our lives as perfection isn’t possible in this life. Yet, our goal needs to be getting our sin portfolio, if you will, to contain only the smallest and innocuous sins imaginable. Don’t let sin ruin you.
This path to perfection, wherein we remove serious sins from our portfolio, is a lifelong journey. We’re talking about changing thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors that we may have had for decades. The time required is intensive because it requires our sole focus. You simply can’t take on all of your sin at the same time. Instead, you have to focus on one at a time, a process that may take months. Yet, it’s focus that’ll win this battle. It’s focus and attention that will get you to a place that you didn’t think was possible.
There’s something incredibly freeing about living the life that you’ve always wanted. A life free of the burden of temptation towards your principal sin. Surely, as you work through this process, the name of your principal sin will change, but the importance of rooting it out of your life is unchanging. Your life is significantly impacted by your current principal sin in ways that you can’t recognize, because you’ve been stuck for so long. It takes courage to challenge something you may now consider to be unbeatable. It takes tremendous courage if you’ve been entrenched for years.
We all loathe the habitual nature of our principal sin. In the back of our minds in the Confession line, the thought creeps up that we can’t beat it. We’re frustrated that we’re back in this line, for the same reason. It makes us feel weak. It makes us feel powerless. Yet, when we start beating back our principal sin, we get a glimpse into the true power of God. When we cooperate with His power, doing something that’s His Will, things happen.
The truth is, we aren’t fond of our principal sin, but there is something alluring about it still. While we’re trapped, we also acknowledge that it isn’t worth it. Why run the slightest risk of losing what you’ve got? Why run the slightest risk of missing out on a life of happiness?
The question becomes, where do I start? In the vast array of our spiritual life, how do we know where to start chipping away? Identify the habitual sins that you commit, and from that list, identify the most serious. Serious is a relative term, because you could be trapped in sin that right now is incredibly destructive, or you could be trapped in a gateway sin that, based on your personality or history, is a fast track to destructive sin. Once you’ve identified the most serious, you’ve found your principal sin. Understand everything about that sin. Why do you do it? What are your triggers? How did it start? Why does it continue? Do other people face it? How have they been successful? Ask these questions and more. Then, devise a plan, build in accountability, and focus. Track the number of days that you’ve been able to beat it. Pray constantly and specifically. Go to Daily Mass or stop by Adoration. Go crazy attacking, beating it down, and cooperating with God’s power.
After some wins and losses, some victories and setbacks, with enough grit and determination, you’ll beat your principal sin. You’ll finally know freedom and have the strength of character, self control, and depth of interior life to keep it subdued. Then, it’s time to identify your new principal sin.
Beating sin in your life is a lifelong process, one filled with difficulty, joy, sadness, and awe at God’s willingness to be so active in your life. And yet, it’s the lifelong process of a saint.