Cousin Time
Earlier this Spring, I took Benedict to my aunt’s house for a play date. My aunt lives about 90 minutes away from us and three of her four children were home at the time. My cousins range in age from 16 to 23 and I’ve always been close to them. Benedict had an absolute ball stalking their cat, watching their dogs, exploring a new house, and playing with his cousins. The day was great for me too, and it was a great reminder to make time to play and have fun with your extended family.
Benedict has a cousin who is just two-months older than him and another cousin who was born earlier this year. Sadly, he’s only met the older one once, though hopefully soon that will change. Knowing how much fun I had growing up with my cousins, I hope that Benedict will get to have the same experience as he grows. I want him to feel connected with his cousins as they go through the stages of life together at the same time.
Family bonds are incredibly important. Families rely on one another in every sense of the word. While they may not live in close proximity, there’s usually a time or two each year where they get together. Cousins can be the siblings that your children never had. Consider Benedict and his cousin. Since Benedict and his cousin are the same age, they’ll get to share the same joys of life at the same time. They’ll both get their driver’s licenses around the same time, graduate and go off to college at the same time, and maybe even end up getting married around the same time. Sharing all of these great milestones is usually a special experience reserved for twins, but in this case, they’ll get to share them as cousins.
Cousins can often make great friends. Sharing a common family tree isn’t the only thing that binds cousins together. In fact, cousins who are close in age often share many of the same interests, which change and mature over time. Those shared interests can help solidify the friendship that goes beyond the generational relationship. As your children grow into adulthood, I hope that they’ll stay close to their cousins. It may not be a 100% success rate, but the bonds forged in childhood will hopefully blossom into lifelong friendships. Not only is this a beautiful legacy for your kids, but the journey will continue as their children grow up together.
Family is the basic support structure that any of us have. I hope that you’ll do all you can to ensure that your kids have the opportunity to connect and bond with their cousins so that they can have friends that will truly last a lifetime.
Is Your Wife Your Only Friend?
Admittedly, this is going to be a bit of an awkward post for me. While I wish I was living out the principles that I’m going to cover, I’m really not. You see, as men, we need really great guy friends. Certainly your wife is your best friend and yet, she can’t be your only friend. We need people around us to help us be better men, and who better to challenge us than friends who struggle with the exact same things that we struggle with? By cultivating great relationships with a few great guys, you can build a support network and grow as a man.
We’re social beings, and although we have plenty of commitments at home, we do need a friend group that we can count on, and who can count on us. We grow through our friendships and relationships. We learn the shocking truth that we’re not the only ones with problems. We encourage each other in life and can provide objective help to one another.
The truth is, many of us struggle to identify that friend group after college. There are certainly people that we’re friendly with, but if you’ve moved away from home and college, you may struggle to establish a new group of close friends. I certainly have. I do have friends that I’ve kept in contact with over the years, but none of them live close enough that we could go grab a beer. My best luck has been through the Knights of Columbus, but since our move last summer, I haven’t been active in my local Council.
While guy friends can help us grow, the social element is perhaps even more important. Truthfully, sometimes your wife needs a break from you. You probably need the occasional break from her. It’s not a bad thing, just a natural occurrence over time. When you do have a night out, hanging out with guys who share your interests can be the perfect evening.
If you’re like me and don’t have one, two, or even more great guy friends in your area, you know what the challenge is. Find some guys in your peer group, engage socially, and build up your friend network. Certainly it’s more easily said, than done, but the effort is more than worth it.
Fighting Weight
Confession: I’ve let myself go. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve gained 15 lbs. Now, that’s not how that’s supposed to work. The weather is nicer, I should be more active. Yet, here I am. I’ve been lazy about my intake and even lazier about my output. For a while now, I’ve surrendered on my weight. I consider my condition to be temporary, but if I don’t get my head in the game, it’ll become permanent! The truth is, I’m having a hard time getting motivated.
I’ve written many times before about our health being a spectrum and always moving towards health or away from it. I’ve been so discouraged about my weight and, considering that I was less than 10 lbs from my goal weight just five short months ago, I’m even more discouraged now. I know that this is going to take some radical action to get myself back on the horse.
We all find ourselves moving in the wrong direction from time to time. Whether it be with our weight or our spiritual life, sometimes life just happens. When it does, like it’s doing right now, I just need to take my own advice and never surrender.
A good place for me to start is by getting back to basics. I don’t have a good food plan and I haven’t been using my food diary like I should. My day needs to start with a weigh-in, I need to hit my water goal, and I need to stop skipping meals, snacking, and binge eating. I don’t often get that hungry and most days I could make it until mid-afternoon before feeling hungry. Yet, despite not “feeling” hungry, I need to eat. I need to plan a breakfast, and then I need to eat that breakfast.
Night prep is another area where I’ve been slipping. I used to have a whole evening routine that included some cleaning and preparing my attire for the next day. I need to get back to taking 30 minutes in the evening to get my next day set up. I need to lay out my exercise clothes so that when dawn comes and my writing is done, I can put on my workout clothes, eat breakfast with Benedict, and hit the trails.
The most important thing for me to do right now is to not surrender. We all get to this point when we can either start fighting back or we can just surrender and drift downstream. Don’t surrender on your weight. Don’t surrender on your health. Don’t surrender! Make a plan and stick with it!
Do the Right Thing
I once had a boss who told me that it’s never too late to do the right thing. Oftentimes when we realized that we’ve made a mistake, our first reaction is to attempt to shift the blame or cover it up. We’re usually not that successful and a small mistake grows into a big problem. Our anxiety levels rise and things spiral out of control. Instead of procrastinating, when you realize that you’ve made a mistake, just fix it.
Putting off doing the right thing for tomorrow is always appealing. Tomorrow, in almost every circumstance, seems better than today. If we’re waiting, then we don’t have to take action today, or tell anyone about our mistake. Usually, however, change never comes. Tomorrow shows up, and we defer for another day, compounding the problem. Why not now? Why don’t you start to immediately correct the error? After all, you’re already thinking about it. You get to choose the start line.
We’re all human. Whether you’ve made a mistake at work, with your kids, or with your wife, the best course of action is immediate correction. In fact, admitting when you’ve made a mistake might win you the admiration of those around you. These days, no one wants to be accountable and everyone is peacocking. This isn’t helping anyone. The fact is, no one regrets doing the right thing. No one regrets the relief that comes with admitting your mistake and moving on. Today is the perfect day to make a change.
Mistakes happen, both big and small. Don’t let a mistake dominate your life. Admit your fault, take corrective action, and move on.
Be A Brave Parent
Most days, I’m surprised that I’m a father. Certainly Benedict has been in my life for nearly two years, yet actually being in these shoes, it’s still quite shocking. I know that the challenge of parenthood is going to be the biggest one that I face, and I know that it evolves every single day as he grows. I’m learning all that I can so that I can help Benedict be a man, with a clean heart and a free conscience.
Too many parents strike the wrong balance in their relationship with their children. They attempt an approach that places undue stress, pressure, and anxiety on their child by letting them parent themselves in critical areas. The results are oftentimes disastrous, leaving lifelong scars. We need to be brave. We need to be brave enough to let our children be kids by being their parents.
A child is a beautiful gift, a life waiting to be formed, and they need loving supervision. As we all get to experience the benefits of advancing technology, we need to understand how it truly is a double-edged sword. It can carry us forward and open up new worlds to us, but it can also drag us into dark places and destroy our family. Giving your child unfettered, unmonitored access to the internet not only opens them up to the opportunity to form dangerous addictions or engage in cyber bullying, it also opens them up to attacks. I encourage you to take deliberate steps to limit the use of technology by your children, and in that way, help them to understand the benefits and risks, so that they might make better choices.
As a parent, you’re always teaching. We are, after all, the primary educators of our children. The topics won’t always be math, science, and history, and truthfully, we should be more concerned with their human formation. I’d rather have a child who doesn’t know his times tables but is a gentle and caring person than have an educated jerk. Our instructions, in bite-sized pieces should cover chivalry, modesty, and decision making. They need these lessons so that they might live in the world with the knowledge of how to treat people and live in community.
We don’t raise kids, we raise adults. Through our actions, guidance, and behavioral corrections, we’re forming healthy adults. Eventually, the training wheels will come off. The question is, will they be prepared?
Dress Up for Mass
Growing up, my family always dressed up for Mass. Though I recognize how expensive it must’ve been for my parents to dress three growing kids in nice clothes for Church, my brother and I always had on slacks and occasionally a blazer while my sister wore nice dresses. These days, Sunday is just about the only day during the week when I dress up. As my small business has me mostly doing web design for clients during the week, I’m typically wearing a graphic t-shirt and some plaid shorts. There’s something really nice about Sunday morning putting on a suit, tie, and some nice shoes.
There’s always been talk about the appropriateness of attire at Mass. Standards vary in all regions of the country and everyone certainly has an opinion. While I don’t necessarily think that a suit is a must, I do think that at the very least a button down shirt and slacks are required. If you’d dress up for a date, to go to court, to attend a funeral, to go to a nice dinner, or to meet the President, you should dress up for Mass.
Mass is a challenging thing for a human to experience and process. The supernatural experiences aren’t generally perceived by the eye, so to most of us, Mass looks like a guy we know up front delivering a speech and sharing a very meager snack. If we could see the reality of what actually happens, we’d change a lot of our attitudes. We’d watch measly bread turn into human tissue, body and soul of our Savior, we’d watch an entire complement of saints and angels surrounding the altar, adoring. If we could actually see, we’d watch people light up as they received Communion, we’d watch venial sins be forgiven, we’d see Jesus Himself giving the homily. If we were able to see all that, every week, we’d sell everything that we had to afford a nice suit.
Going to Mass is going to someone’s house. We’ve been invited to share and eat together. So when we dress up for Mass, we not only show respect to the host, no pun intended, but we show respect to God’s house. What we wear communicates our attitude, which is why we don’t chew gum, bring McDonald’s, text our friends, or sip our morning coffee during the liturgy. We dress up because we want to be respectful. On a more basic level, our clothes get us in the right mindset. School uniforms prepare students for learning. Gym clothes get us ready to workout. Pajamas help us prepare for bed while comfy sweatpants help us unwind at the end of the day. In the same way, our Sunday best get us ready to worship and praise the Creator of the universe. Clothes direct our thoughts and actions and so we should dress in a manner that befits Mass.
Wear nice clothes to Mass and make sure your kids do, too.
Pride and Money Mistakes
Money just might be the most personal thing in the world. Almost no other topic causes people to become defensive so quickly. After graduating from college, I went overboard and maxed out several credit cards. It was a big mistake and one that set me back two years in my financial plan. When I realized my mistake, with the help of those around me, I found a plan and worked my way back out. Money and pride are closely linked together and they’re a deadly duo. We make mistakes, but pride compounds the problem. We need to take a few steps to help keep our money in check.
First, leave your emotions out of the situation. Emotions can cause you to either want something or to feel shame. Dealing with your money isn’t about posturing. Instead, it’s about devising a plan and executing on that plan. When you have repeated problems, you’ve got to get in there and do some investigating. What’s the core issue? Are you not budgeting enough? Are you wandering away from the plan too easily? Remedy those problems and move forward.
Next, remember that secrecy magnifies the problem. We have to be secure enough with ourselves to be able to admit that we might be the problem, or are at least allowing it to continue. Be relentless in fixing damage and correcting systems and controls that keep your budget on track. Remember, you’re in charge of your budget, so if you need more money for something, just allocate it!
Finally, get new information. Take a course, read a book, or talk to a friend. If you’ve made a huge mistake, find other people who have made that same mistake and find out what they did to fix it. Mistakes with money happen to everyone who uses money in some way, shape, or form. We’re all learning, so getting intelligence from someone who’s been in your shoes before can be extremely helpful.
Pride is one of the deadly sins because it’s so utterly corrupting. Don’t let pride spoil your relationships or your finances.
The Joy of Giving
Earlier this year, while at the March for Life, Alison and I were approached by a man selling official event hats. Ordinarily, I don’t bother buying branded merchandise from events, but this time, I did. He told me that the proceeds went to help a particular charity that provided housing and job training to the homeless. Since the hats were clearly high quality and bore the official logo of the March, I immediately reached for my wallet and bought two. The thing is, giving your money to help others is the most fun that you’ll ever have.
Being a Scrooge about making charitable donations is no way to live. A tight fist doesn’t let any money out, but it also doesn’t let anything else in. If you don’t give some of your money away to charitable causes, you’ve let money become your master. You’ll obsess over it, you’ll worry about it, and you’ll have anxiety about it. Try giving some away to get the right perspective again.
While giving away a portion of your money is a good thing, be sure you vet your designees. I don’t give money to charitable causes at the cash registers of stores for that very reason. I know nothing about those causes, I haven’t done my research, and I’m not sure if they do something that I find morally objectionable. You want your dollars to go far and to help as many people as you can. That’s why the research is so important.
It might even be fun to make giving your money away a game. Whose world can you completely change with a random act of generosity? Don’t just limit your giving to legally organized charities. While making giving a part of your tax strategy is probably something that you should be doing, don’t limit yourself. Help a struggling coworker or neighbor, give a huge tip to your pregnant waitress or people working during the holidays, or leave a nice tip for the hotel maid. In all of these cases you won’t get a tax write-off, but you’ll get something much better. You’ll have given an unexpected, and likely needed, gift to someone you’ve looked in the eyes.
While it may seem paradoxical, giving is the most fun that you’ll have with money. Give freely.
Let Go of Past Hurts
I’m a grudge-holder. I don’t do it for all things, but when a particular relational infraction occurs, if it’s offensive enough, I’ll hold on to it for a very long time. It’s not the best system in the world and it certainly adds stress to my life because grudges keep coming up in my mind resulting in me reliving the offending action. The problem with holding on to past hurts is not just that we can’t do anything about them today, but also that it makes us a prisoner of the past.
We all get hurt. Whether it be by our own actions or by those of someone else, we all have to face the pain and suffering that relational discord brings. Sometimes it’s temporary discomfort and other times it’s a hard break, but the fact that we’re social beings means that we all face this painful reality at one point or another. The thing is, when we avoid dealing with the issues and leave them unresolved, we become hostages. We obsess and just can’t seem to move on. Sometimes we might direct anger at the wrong person years later because we haven’t fully dealt with our past.
The best way to resolve past hurts is through a process of reconciliation. Depending on your situation, you may reconcile with the person face-to-face or you may just have to reconcile with the situation. If you’re able to reconcile with the person directly, it can be helpful if you consider what fault was yours, admit it, and ask for forgiveness. If significant time has passed, you can both acknowledge that you used to be dumb and that was part of the problem. If you’re unable to reconcile face-to-face, you will just have to reconcile with the facts. Still admit your role, but also understand that there’s nothing to be done about it now and that holding on is causing other problems. Work through it and then put it out to pasture.
Unresolved past hurts can become a limiting factor in your life. Your future is bright and you can start making changes for the better today. By keeping one foot in the past and one in the present, you miss out on the opportunity for joy and happiness that today offers while wallowing in the misery of a yesterday long since past.
Celebrate Life
One of the great tragedies of our modern era is our misunderstanding of the value of children. For a wide range of reasons, people tend to hold a very pessimistic and self-centered view on children. This contraceptive mindset has brought us to a very sad place where people miss out on the absolute joys of raising children.
Kids really are amazing. A new life, that knows nothing, moves at a rapid clip to smile, roll over, verbalize, crawl, stand up, walk, feed itself, and so much more. Time moves incredibly fast and the joys happen daily. While there are bad days, grumpy days, and annoying days, those events and those days melt away with one cute smile, laugh, or hug. Little kids really are the best.
The thing that we’re missing by avoiding having children is that parenthood is both exhausting and fulfilling. While I love Benedict, I really love those two hours before bed when he’s asleep and I’m off the clock. I tend to find myself in that time both enjoying the rest and at the same time waiting with eager anticipation to get him up in the morning and play with him. While parenting depletes your energy levels, it builds you up as a person in a lasting way. This child depends on you for everything, and you provide. There’s no better feeling.
The Bible tells us that children are a gift from God, and truly they are. Above anything or anyone else, your child wants you. A child will grow and help to support your household and complete many of the daily chores that need to be done. Yet, their purpose is more than just utilitarian. Children are a blessing by their presence. Their presence and their personhood is a gift that you get to unwrap daily.
A contraceptive mindset has blinded us to the reality of children. They’re not a burden to be avoided, rather they’re a blessing to be embraced. Accept them as gifts and give them all of your love.