Mastering Patience
IKEA is not a store that I associate the virtue of patience with. Assembling the furniture is a task that tries me in so many different ways. We recently bought a few new pieces in order to upgrade our home and prepare the kid’s room for the arrival of Felicity. Surprisingly, I was able to assemble the wardrobe by myself and anchor it to the wall with Alison’s help.
Anchoring and hanging are not my forte. Anchoring this particular wardrobe was especially difficult because not only did I have to mark the wall, insert an anchor, and line the wardrobe back up, but I had to drive a long screw with two large plastic spacers that were positioned between the wardrobe and the wall. After being too frustrated several months ago to be successful, this time I held the spacers in place on the wall with tape, and the process went much more smoothly.
It’s easy to let our emotions get the best of us and to get frustrated, but that reaction is counterproductive. Our minds flood with negativity that then must be directed somewhere, oftentimes towards those around us. I know that IKEA builds patience, but I think that it’s equally important to begin in the right frame of mind. By giving yourself plenty of time and having someone to help and provide their own ideas for getting the job done, you can have a much more pleasant time.
Patience is a virtue that isn’t easily mastered. In fact, it’s one of the more elusive virtues to capture. Yet, for those who try and achieve some level of success, it’s one that brings peace and confidence into their lives. Patience will not only help you in assembling your latest piece from IKEA, it’ll help you build stronger relationships with those around you. Patience may be a virtue that I’m not very good at, but it should be one that I’m working on each day.
Personal Pride
My neighbors love to sit outside and talk to one another. The other day, I was chatting with one of them, and he was telling me about his daughter who is just about to get her drivers license. He told me about how she wants a car, but how it has to be fancy and new. He then shared a story with me about his first car, a truck, that he paid off only to have it totaled shortly thereafter. In further reflecting on this gentleman’s predicament with his daughter, I thought about personal pride and how it relates to our lives.
Today, everyone wants to be different. We want to be individuals and we want the world to know it. Our insecurity about being lost or forgotten in the ocean of life leads some to make some pretty odd changes to their physical appearance. We forget that we’re individuals by the nature of our being. Looking out across the landscape of trends, I think one way to really show off your individualism is to not do something shocking, but rather to develop a true sense of personal pride.
We are, in effect, our own brand. The way we present ourselves, the activities that we partake in, the way we care for our things, the way that we interact with others, and the quality of work that we do all make up this brand. Instead of focusing on how we can shock the world and be memorable, we should focus on how we can improve our personal brand through personal pride.
Personal pride is an attribute that guides all of one’s decisions. It’s making choices that reflect an interior disposition of care and intentionality. It causes us to dress nicely and appropriately in public and to decide to wash our cars and mow our lawn on a regular basis. It drives us to shave regularly or to manicure our beard appropriately and it motivates us to exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet. In sum, personal pride is that driving force which causes us to take care of ourselves.
Interestingly, the quality of work that we do can also be informed by our sense of personal pride. No one truly wants to be known as capable of only shoddy work, and so we work hard to complete tasks to the best of our ability. We want to be praised by management and respected by our peers and doing great work is a surefire way of achieving that goal. If we do poor work, we’ll eventually be associated with poor quality. Yet, if we have personal pride, we’ll endeavor to do the best work that we can.
In many ways, I think that personal pride is closely related to feelings of self-worth. When we feel good, we take care of ourselves. Helping our children to develop a healthy sense of self-worth and to then translate that into a commitment to developing personal pride is one of our biggest jobs as parents. There are so many forces trying to steal our kid’s self-esteem that it’s up to us to help them to see reality. They are an individual, they are loved, and they have worth.
I believe that having a strong sense of personal pride will drive an individual to higher levels of satisfaction and personal growth. When we care enough to take care of ourselves, our property, and our tasks, we thrive where we’re planted. Make sure that your children know that they are loved and are cultivating a strong sense of personal pride.
Failure to Communicate
I often feel that our ability to communicate is falling into the trap of diminishing returns. New forms of communication, at their start, are very pure. They focus on connecting people in a very personal and intimate way. Over time, external pressures on communications providers cause a dilution of the purity. Communication becomes less about sharing a story, experience, or memory, and more about a transaction.
Take email, for example. When AOL was the big kid on the block, you seldom had new email every time that you logged on. Yet, when you did have email, it was something worthwhile. It was a note from a friend or relative sharing something with you. Today, you likely get dozens of emails every single day, most of which you delete sight unseen. Email is now a chore, a bore, and a ball weighing you down.
Social media is trending in the same direction. Platforms come and they go. Some explode in popularity and go out in a great ball of fire. Others, like Facebook, remain, but die a long, slow death. They take precious hours from your life and, as they become more transactional, fall further away from the ultimate goal of connecting people in any real way.
I mentioned to Alison the other day that there will come a point where we stop calling our cell phones a “phone.” Most of our communication isn’t done over voice calls, but rather texts, emails, and apps. I think that if we’re to build authentic human relationships, we need to be more intentional about connecting with one another and move our communications outside of the transactional channels.
Voice calls, video calls, text messages, and letters are the channels in which to foster and develop better, more intentional, relationships. While some may argue that text messaging isn’t real communication, I beg to differ. Text messages are like passing notes in class or the telegraphs of old. They’re non-intrusive (unless the receiver makes them so), short messages passed between two people. We need to bring back personal letters. Letter writing takes time, but it’s a time honored tradition that expresses not just the thoughts and emotions that you wish to convey, but that the person is worth the time you took to author the letter. Voice calls are always great, but seem to be slowly falling out of favor. Connecting with relatives whom you don’t see often can best be done using voice calls. Most exciting for us is video calls. I find it particularly exciting with young children because it allows for our relatives to see and interact with Benedict in a real way, and vice versa.
We all desire better communication and connection with one another, and yet few of us make positive steps to improve. Identify those in your life with whom you’d most like to connect with, and take intentional steps to make those connections happen.
Gift Giving
There are many ways to express your love to your wife. Using the words, doing some chores, caring for her after a long week, and even cooking dinner are a few goods ways. One of the more infrequent expression of love is the giving of physical gifts.
Gifts are appropriate at any time and on any occasion. They can be big or small, humble or extravagant. I think that we tend to think of gifts in terms of dollar amounts. That’s a mistake. We need to instead think of gifts in terms of the emotional significance that they carry. To receive a gift is to receive an acknowledgement of one’s special status. It’s a physical reminder that you are loved and appreciated.
There is a balance to be struck between the desire to give gifts and the financial resources required to purchase those gifts. It may be wise to create a “gift fund” in your budget. That way, when you come across something that you’d like to give to your spouse, the money is already allocated and you can be free to make the purchase.
Gifts are tokens of love and this post is meant to serve as a gentle reminder that incorporating the act of gift giving is an excellent idea. Vary your expressions of love and always endeavor to make them a surprise.
Enough Breaks Already
It’s really easy to cut yourself too much slack. You laud praises on yourself for a good week’s worth of work and award yourself a day off. That day off turns into two, and the snowball continues. Rest is not a reward, it’s a necessary part of work. Rest is rejuvenating, it restores creative capacity, and it promotes health. Too much rest is sloth, laziness, and leads to a sedentary lifestyle. In order to rest, there must be work.
Have a rest day once a week isn’t just a good idea, it’s recommended. God rested on the 7th day and we even have an entire commandment dedicated to the principle of rest. The problem with taking too many breaks is that your work log backs up, leaving things undone. All of that work scheduled properly is manageable, but having neglected it for too long, we feel overwhelmed. The house is a disaster and, while you want it to be clean, you feel it’s too daunting to take on, so you “rest.”
You can only have a restful Sunday by having everything in its place. The chores are done, all other tasks are scheduled and planned, and you can have the clarity of mind to do whatever you wish. Family time, a nap, a movie, running around outside are all within the realm of possibilities. While you enjoy these great pursuits, your mind won’t be preoccupied with all of the things you’ve left undone because you’re armed with the knowledge that you put in the time and all is arranged.
Excessive breaks are nothing more than procrastination, and there’s always a reason why. It may be a lack of clarity, an overly aggressive schedule, or just plain reluctance. We all have things that hold us back and identifying the pain point is the first step to resolution. When you’re tempted to neglect your work, figure out what’s motivating you and make corrections. If you’re afraid to make a call, push through. If you’re lacking clarity, seek it out. If you’ve over scheduled, give yourself permission to move some things around within a reasonable period of time.
Rest isn’t earned, it’s a gift freely given. Yet, it’s a gift that we can only be free to receive if we’ve put in the work. Have a plan, work the plan, and enjoy the fruits of true rest, not tentative procrastination.
St. Joseph: Human
Placing yourself in Bible stories is one of the most widely recommended spiritual exercises when it comes to the Scriptures. We’ve been given the grace of our faith and listening to the Readings every week, it becomes all too easy to separate ourselves from the stories. The Bible becomes a collection of bedtime stories, historical events that happened in the past and yet have little relevance today. Sure, we take the teachings, well some of them, and apply them to our lives, but most of the subject matter just doesn’t apply. I like to really turn the practice of placing myself in the stories on its head by drawing parallels between myself and the state of mind of the characters. To Mary and Joseph, they weren’t perfectly modeling the domestic Church. To them, it was just life. They wanted to do God’s Will and they did it, in just the same way that you and I could if we truly applied ourselves. This deep level of humility before God and man is what characterizes the greatest Saints in the Church.
Joseph, though he was indeed a holy man, was not exempt from sorrow, disappointment, or failure. He likely had boom times in his carpentry business and absolutely terrifying times when business was down. He was the sole provider for his family, and so he felt the same range of emotions tied to that station that we feel. Joseph was born with original sin, and so he sinned. Yet, his life points to a real detachment from sin. I think we fall into the trap of thinking that holy people have great lives because they aren’t tempted. Not so. The saints endure their miseries, but they also don’t bring misery on themselves through sin. So much of the trouble and strife that we face on a daily basis is a consequence of our choices. We choose to sin and in doing so push love a little bit further from the center of our lives. Eventually we reap what we sow.
One of the best ways to describe Joseph’s spiritual state is receptive. Like an antenna raised high in the air waiting to receive messages transmitted to it, Joseph’s actions and state of mind were turned wholly to God. He did this through a robust interior life that we can never know, but also through faithfully living his vocation. His life was so oriented towards God that when the dream came, he was ready to listen. We’ve all had vivid dreams that felt very real, how else could Joseph understand that the dream was a message meant to be carried out and not a fanciful creation of the mind?
The real path to virtue and holiness is through our individual vocations. While callings to the priestly and religious life are indeed beautiful and should be celebrated, they do not preclude, nor excuse, the laity from holiness. Each individual’s calling is specific to them and the special path they are asked to follow. By loving his wife and his Foster Child, Joseph fulfilled his marital promises and his calling in life and so journeyed deeper into the heart of God.
I thought about concluding with something pedestrian about how we can model Joseph’s life and try to live holier lives, but I think that’d be a mistake. The fact is, as hard as it is to believe, we can live a life just as holy and just as rich as Joseph, if only we start making different decisions. Joseph was not excluded from original sin, meaning he made some poor choices in his life. Yet, he pulled himself back up, worked towards perfection, and achieved that holiness that he sought. We can do it to, if only we have the courage and tenacity.
Learning Happens Everywhere
Learning is a life-long pursuit and chances are, at one point or another, you’re going to sign up for some program of study in your adult life. You may be working on a degree, certificate, training program, leadership/management program, new job training, or even just taking up a hobby. The task of undergoing schooling so many years after you completed your last phase of education can be daunting. Yet, it’s a challenge worth taking on.
I recently began my study towards becoming a Flight Instructor. I have a Pilot’s License and now I’m ready to challenge myself and my skills as a pilot by working towards that higher rating. There is a tremendous amount of study required, multiple written tests, multiple oral tests, and multiple flight tests. It’s no easy task, and rightfully so. As I sat down to gather the resources to begin study, I felt overwhelmed.
Many adults go back to school decades after their last formal education, and for me, I’ve only been out for six years. I still feel the pressure of relearning good study habits and a bit of test anxiety. My choice to pursue this study was totally voluntary, meaning that I chose this pain. Learning new skills and expanding your knowledge is always worth the pain.
We’ve created a system in the United States that tells us that learning happens in the classroom; if you’re not in a classroom, you aren’t learning. That is a destructive worldview because it discounts the multitude of learning opportunities. Exploring your neighborhood, going to a zoo, going to a museum, listening to a lecture, and even reading a book are a few of these opportunities. You can literally learn anything you want from books and so, by being an avid reader, you are increasing your intelligence. In fact, when boiled down, university study is essentially reading with guided discussion and testing.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste. Be intentional about expanding your horizons and engaging in educational pursuits, formal or otherwise. Challenge yourself and be a role model to your children. Show them that learning never stops and that it is always worthwhile.
Eliminate the Possibility
A great struggle in the single life is the lack of permanence. When casually dating, playing the field, or even when you’re in a serious relationship, there’s a tentative bond that can be severed at any time, for any reason. This is extremely healthy because it would be ill-advised to enter into a permanent relationship without really knowing a person. Yet, this wavering state of affairs can also cause much angst as two people continue to move in different directions while trying to maintain a relationship. Therein lies the beauty of marriage; namely permanence.
I’ve shared in the past the great aspects of permanence. It’s a baseline and, no matter how big or small Alison and I’s disagreements may be, we always end up safely at permanence. Like a golden parachute, it brings us back to the reality that our marital relationship is so much bigger than any one fight, that together we’re doing something amazing and sharing that amazing with our children. In our minds, we’ve eliminated the possibility of breaking up, and so in every quarrel, we’re brought back to the table. This is a great lesson that can be applied to our lives.
I believe that most of our sins are a result of inaction as opposed to being ingrained. We commit the same sin over and over again because we haven’t applied enough force or focus to stop doing it. When you’ve committed the same sin over and over again, you know your triggers and warning signs.
Gossip always feels the same and you always get that feeling of, well, excitement as you’re about to dazzle the group with some really juicy information. If you gossip often enough, you can see the chain of events. You learn new information, you want to share, your stomach tightens as you wait your turn in a conversation, and you feel that sense of excitement as you spill the beans. In that sequence alone, there are four stages, four links in the chain. At any point, you could’ve jumped off the train, but you didn’t. If instead you had been focused and committed, you could have recognized the progression from the first stage, learning the new information, and the second stage, a desire to share, and ended the whole process, simply keeping everything to yourself.
Real change, mercy combined with conversion, happens when you eliminate the possibility of a particular sin from your life. You make yourself away when you’re in danger of falling into gossip and you break the chain. You stop putting yourself in social situations where you’re tempted to share. You stand up for those who are being talked about, you empathize with their situation, or you offer support and encouragement.
We have the ability to make better choices if we take the principle of permanence and apply it to our spiritual lives. By accepting that there is a baseline and eliminating the possibility of committing a particular sin, we can move beyond our own pettiness and experience a richer, happier life.
Vote Your Conscience
When Virginia held its primary election on Super Tuesday this year, I found myself in a position that I had never been in before as a voter. Having missed only one voting day since I assumed my civic duty, I am typically well-read on the candidates and am prepared weeks in advance to cast my ballot. This year though, things were different.
There is a uniqueness in presidential election primaries in that we have many choices to make among a field of candidates. In fact, there are likely many candidates on the ballot that you agree with and your final choice comes down to whom you like the most. Yet, we’re also dragged into the nasty underbelly of politics.
Elections should be about choosing the most competent person to lead, not voting against a particular candidate. As the pundits and news reports detail delegate math along the way, we’re tempted to vote for whom we think will win as opposed to who is actually right to lead at this point in our nation’s history. This action debased the democratic process and undercuts its noble objectives.
Delegate math is what leads us to vote for the career politician or the biggest bully instead of the unassuming governor or well credentialed intellect. All things being equal, we would vote for those whom it said have little chance of winning not because our vote will make them win, but because we want to vote for the person whom we think is right.
We collectively pay the price for this game in the general election when we’re forced to vote for the lesser of two evils. We have to choose between two nuclear weapons, selected by their respective parties not based on their merits but because they’re believed to obliterate their opponent in the electoral college.
All of this can be traced back to voters not voting their conscience in the primaries. This is the conclusion that I reached before I stepped into the voting booth on Super Tuesday. I needed to not worry about how the remaining primaries were going to go, not about who had the best chance of beating the other party, but only about who was best to lead America right now. I did, and I slept peacefully.
Hopeful Anticipation
I’m experiencing a noticeable difference between Alison’s first pregnancy and her second: I’m a lot more cool and controlled. With less than two months until the arrival of our daughter, we’re only now starting to make preparations. It’s not that we’re disinterested, just that there’s less mystery. Less mystery requires less planning. We have almost everything already, now all that we need are the little essentials.
While the pragmatic side of me is calm and collected, the dad side of me is really excited. We bought her a wardrobe, converted the nursery into the “kids room,” and put some fresh decorations on her side of the room. There are tulip stickers growing out of her crib, and splashes of pink everywhere. It seems like there’s a lot more “fun” stuff for girls, but that’s a different post. We’re daily introducing the concept of a little sister to Benedict and while he can’t fully grasp it until she arrives, I think he understands. He helps Alison get up when it’s time for bed, he gives his sister kisses, hugs, and blessings, and he can mutter a syllable or two of her name.
I’d call my feelings hopeful anticipation. With less than 60 days, her imminent arrival is a daily topic of conversation and activity. I even just washed her first sets of clothes and will be putting them into her wardrobe. It’s appropriate that her birth come in late Spring because it makes the Easter season that much more real. I feel what the Apostles felt. I feel that steady pull of excitement and anticipation.
While on a walk the other day, I saw another young family playing with their small child on the park. I realized that my peers don’t grasp what it means to be a parent. To many (most?) of them, it’s a burden, a bore, or a limiting factor on their lives. Nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing is more freeing, more exciting, or opens up more possibilities than a child.
I’m excited for my little girl to arrive, but I’m even more excited to watch another life blossom before my eyes.