Sin Drags You Down
I’m never more keenly aware of the physical effects of sin in my life than right after confession. I walk out of the Church with a great sense of relief, perhaps even a bit lighter. Truly I feel freed from that which was holding me back. This feeling, replicated each time I go to confession, leads me to wonder, how much does sin really drag me down?
We know that sin is an offense against charity, against love. We know that sin affects all of us and that it impairs our judgement and ability to act freely. We bind ourselves to evil instead of running free with love. That’s the 10,000 foot view. On the day to day level, as we make our decisions, sin begets more sin. We wander deeper into the ocean before we turn back to the lighthouse of mercy and make it to solid ground.
When we say that sin affects all of us, those whom are most affected are our family. Sin turns our attention and priorities selfishly inward, so when I sin, I turn some of my attention away from my family. Instead of selflessly giving all of myself and expecting nothing in return, I selfishly put myself at the head of the line. This creates an increasing amount of discord in the household. We get out of sync as our priorities no longer align. Naturally, this happens by degrees, but with enough time spent away from God’s mercy in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, the great the divide grows.
It’s easy to miss the subtle signs as sin takes a great hold in our lives. I think that we tend to tolerate some lower level sin. Instead of working to root out all sin, we focus on the big stuff and let the little stuff slide. A lie or two, some gossip here and there, nothing too serious. Yet, it is serious. It’s the stuff that drags us down and pulls us out to sea. It’s like the old Catholic fallacy of, “I’m aiming for purgatory.” If you aim for purgatory, you might miss and end up no place that you want to be. If instead we aim for Heaven, we just might make it.
Part of sin’s mind game strategy is despair. If you truly believe that you can’t live the life of a saint, then you’ll lower your expectations, allow those gateway sins into your life, and be impaired by sin’s presence in your life. Instead of giving into despair, our best daily course is a strong regimen of prayer. Prayer that permeates our day is like an antibiotic, slowly but surely eradicating sin in our lives. When we make no provision, nor give any room to sin, we can live the lives we were meant to live: lives of true freedom.
Sin has a very real effect on our daily lives, our decision making, and our overall mood. The best way to live in true love and pure joy is to go to Confession regularly and establish a routine of prayer throughout your day. You, and your family, will love living with a truly free you.
Overwhelmed with Gratitude
Life is full of grand adventure. Our emotions, and the circumstances around us, can cast us into profound sadness or propel us to extreme happiness. We all have a tendency to take things for granted, so when we’re in the times of great joy, we should remember to acknowledge the source from which all blessings flow.
Earlier this Spring, I had one of those experiences of joy. Alison, Benedict, and I were at Mass with my parents in the parish that I grew up in. When we’re with my parents, Benedict ditches us for them. So while he was crawling all over the pew and playing with everything, Alison and I were left mostly in peace. Sitting there with Alison and our unborn child, I felt grateful for all that I have. I felt a deep sense of gratitude for the blessings of my family, especially the one that Alison and I are building.
Gratitude is a trait that I hope to pass on to my children. A major component of the human experience is reliance on others. Alone, we can do little, but together, we can do a lot. We’re an interdependent species that fares far better when we work together. Acknowledging those who help us or have been kind to us should be an integral part of who we are as people.
We have each been given many blessings in this life. In good times and in bad, be sure that you’re grateful for what you have.
The Dinner Opportunity
We tend to overlook the dinner opportunity. Thanks to the rise in popularity of cooking shows, I think we’re beginning to appreciate the role that food plays in our lives. In fact, if you watch any home renovation shows, people often look to upgrade their kitchens before any other room in the house. We need food for survival, but in the midst of a busy and crazy day, food serves a much greater purpose. Meals are a time for rest, relaxation, and for the family, an opportunity to come together.
Far too often, dinner time is wasted in front of the television, over the sink, or in the car on the way to some event. Dinner should be the high point of the family’s day, a sacred appointment that can be infringed upon by no activity. That’s because sharing a meal and the experiences of our day can be a tremendous time for bonding. Children feel heard and loved, parents catch up on their kid’s lives and pick up clues as to how their children really are doing, and the family grows closer.
As I anxiously await Felicity’s birth, I’ve come to recognize that my schedule will indeed be changing. My time spent writing and designing is going to decrease significantly, and so I’ve begun to order my days differently. I’m putting a greater focus on the chores that I’ve willingly picked up, such as the cooking and cleaning. I’m starting to take real responsibility for our family’s menu and as a part of that effort, I want to make dinner something for us to really look forward to.
I think that the respite that meals offer us is really overlooked. We spend our days running around and we value those moments of stillness. Dinner offers us that break and adds in an extra element. We recharge physically and emotionally around the dinner table. Food is necessary, but so is rest.
Dinner is one meal, in particular, that offers us a huge opportunity that should not be missed. It’s an opportunity to connect, to share, to bond, to grow, to serve, and to love. Mark it on your calendar, plan for a delicious meal, and take advantage of the dinner opportunity.
If It’s Broken, Fix It
If you take a careful look at the mass produced products on the market today, you’ll note just how disposable our culture has become. Cars are safer, but feature more plastic. Furniture is rarely made with hard woods, but instead with pressed wood. Homes more and more are built using cheap materials that don’t stand the test of time. Even when it comes to relationships, people have become commoditized. When something breaks, we think replacement and not repair, oftentimes to the detriment of our budget.
I’m not too mechanically inclined, but I do enjoy making small repairs on our cars. My goal is to make our vehicles last as long as possible and, often, they will with the right care. I regularly wash them, keep the interior clean, and will replace or upgrade parts on the car. In fact, almost all of your car’s annoyances can be fixed in your driveway. It’s a fun hobby and I enjoy learning. The payoff is even greater. Cars that, despite their age, look great and last and the total cost of repairs over a given period is generally less than replacing the vehicle.
Self-help auto repairs are even easier these days thanks to the internet. Having a problem with your car? Type your description with the year and model into Google and you’ll find the answer. Wondering how to make the repair? Head on over to YouTube and watch someone else do it and follow along. Certainly there are some repairs that are best left to the mechanic, but as my grandfather used to say, if you can pay someone to do, you can do it.
The most important thing when it comes to car ownership is making sure you have a solid foundation. Squeaky belts and whining blower fans can be replaced. As long as your engine runs and the interior is in good shape, you can have a car that will go the distance for you and your family.
Dad Life
Lately I’ve developed a bit of an addiction to car care. I want our cars to last, so I try to wash them weekly and keep them clean. I’ve always been on the meticulous side when it comes to the cleanliness of our cars, but these days I’ve also taken an interest in making improvements. I’ve upgraded the rearview mirror, the interior lights, and the radio on the van in recent weeks. While working on these projects, it occurred to me that I’m now the dad and these are the things that I do. Several times I’ve been in a bind while making a repair, but with no one to back me up, I just had to troubleshoot my way through the problem and make it work. During these times, I realized that it’s actually fun to be the dad.
There are plenty of things that dads do. We take care of the cars, manicure the lawn, spray for bugs, and make other repairs around the house. I have a growing tool box, work shorts, a work shirt, a work hat, and soon will have work gloves. I now complete the picture of a dad doing chores around the house. I notice what needs attention, I make a list, and in rapid succession I check off the items on that list.
While I still find it hard to believe that I’m actually the dad now, I find this life very satisfying. Caring for our home and property is a way that I can show my love for my family. A good looking car and a good looking lawn sends a positive message to the world and my family gets to be a part of that message. A clean home gives us space to move and the opportunity to not feel trapped in our own home. With everything in working order, we can go about our days without being impeded by dysfunction.
There are innumerable ways that we can show our love to our family. Yet, few ways are more impactful than for children to see dad on a weekend in his “work clothes,” hustling around the house making repairs, improvements, and maintaining the house that we all call home.
We’re Too Comfortable
When it comes to fallen away Catholics, especially those who had a negative experience of the Church many years ago, it seems that each person has a singular event that pushed them over the edge. More likely than not, it was a harsh encounter with a religious. A nun yelling at them or a particularly brutal confessor, the trauma that resulted sadly caused them to leave their home. Like a young runaway, they found themselves in a strange place, cold, alone, and hurting. I think that so much of that hurt comes from an experience that didn’t reconcile with their vision of the Church. The Church, and Christians in general, are supposed to be loving, kind, and gentle people, while being compassionately firm when correcting one another. Those in the religious life are supposed to epitomize those characteristics. So when anyone has a difficult encounter with a religious, one can understandably question the entire system.
I think that it’s a valid reaction to be shocked and hurt when experiencing a blistering confessor. When I go to Confession, I’m in a pretty vulnerable place. I acknowledge where I’ve gone wrong and am frustrated and sad that I’ve made poor choices that were entirely, if not easily, avoidable. I want the carrot, not the stick. I want to be reminded of the ultimate reward for a life well lived, not a beating for the mistakes that I’ve made. A positive reinforcement with some helpful suggestions always carries me further than an indignant response from my confessor. We all feel this way.
These emotions of the penitent is what makes it so important for priests to really focus on their skills as a confessor. This is truly the moment that can make or break faith. The penitent takes a risk, naming their sins and seeking forgiveness. If all goes well, they may reform and make it to the finish line. If the experience is a scarring one, those wounds may cost the game.
While we need tender care in the confessional, there are also times when we need to be called out. Sin takes root and thrives when we’re comfortable. In fact, I might even make the argument that we’re too comfortable. From time to time we really need a reality check in the confessional, but one that comes from solid counseling, not firm admonishment. I think back to the Gospel of Matthew when Jesus tells Peter, “Get behind me Satan.” Had Jesus left it at that, Peter’s hurt very well may have caused him to, like the rich young man, go away sad. Although it’s not written, I like to think that Jesus pulled Peter aside and then offered kind words and encouragement. This is the model of Confession that I think we can get behind. Clear boundaries are drawn, then we’re built back up and sent on our mission.
It’s terribly sad when people feel excluded from the life-giving mission of the Church. While we all have, and will, experience very difficult encounters with religious, faithful, and our fellow Catholics, it’s important to analyze our own emotions and motivations. Perhaps we’re all just living a little too comfortable and could use more accountability in our lives. How we respond in these situations could make or break us. Choose to accept the situation in humility and let nothing prevent you from actively participating in the life of the Church.
Mastering Patience
IKEA is not a store that I associate the virtue of patience with. Assembling the furniture is a task that tries me in so many different ways. We recently bought a few new pieces in order to upgrade our home and prepare the kid’s room for the arrival of Felicity. Surprisingly, I was able to assemble the wardrobe by myself and anchor it to the wall with Alison’s help.
Anchoring and hanging are not my forte. Anchoring this particular wardrobe was especially difficult because not only did I have to mark the wall, insert an anchor, and line the wardrobe back up, but I had to drive a long screw with two large plastic spacers that were positioned between the wardrobe and the wall. After being too frustrated several months ago to be successful, this time I held the spacers in place on the wall with tape, and the process went much more smoothly.
It’s easy to let our emotions get the best of us and to get frustrated, but that reaction is counterproductive. Our minds flood with negativity that then must be directed somewhere, oftentimes towards those around us. I know that IKEA builds patience, but I think that it’s equally important to begin in the right frame of mind. By giving yourself plenty of time and having someone to help and provide their own ideas for getting the job done, you can have a much more pleasant time.
Patience is a virtue that isn’t easily mastered. In fact, it’s one of the more elusive virtues to capture. Yet, for those who try and achieve some level of success, it’s one that brings peace and confidence into their lives. Patience will not only help you in assembling your latest piece from IKEA, it’ll help you build stronger relationships with those around you. Patience may be a virtue that I’m not very good at, but it should be one that I’m working on each day.
Personal Pride
My neighbors love to sit outside and talk to one another. The other day, I was chatting with one of them, and he was telling me about his daughter who is just about to get her drivers license. He told me about how she wants a car, but how it has to be fancy and new. He then shared a story with me about his first car, a truck, that he paid off only to have it totaled shortly thereafter. In further reflecting on this gentleman’s predicament with his daughter, I thought about personal pride and how it relates to our lives.
Today, everyone wants to be different. We want to be individuals and we want the world to know it. Our insecurity about being lost or forgotten in the ocean of life leads some to make some pretty odd changes to their physical appearance. We forget that we’re individuals by the nature of our being. Looking out across the landscape of trends, I think one way to really show off your individualism is to not do something shocking, but rather to develop a true sense of personal pride.
We are, in effect, our own brand. The way we present ourselves, the activities that we partake in, the way we care for our things, the way that we interact with others, and the quality of work that we do all make up this brand. Instead of focusing on how we can shock the world and be memorable, we should focus on how we can improve our personal brand through personal pride.
Personal pride is an attribute that guides all of one’s decisions. It’s making choices that reflect an interior disposition of care and intentionality. It causes us to dress nicely and appropriately in public and to decide to wash our cars and mow our lawn on a regular basis. It drives us to shave regularly or to manicure our beard appropriately and it motivates us to exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet. In sum, personal pride is that driving force which causes us to take care of ourselves.
Interestingly, the quality of work that we do can also be informed by our sense of personal pride. No one truly wants to be known as capable of only shoddy work, and so we work hard to complete tasks to the best of our ability. We want to be praised by management and respected by our peers and doing great work is a surefire way of achieving that goal. If we do poor work, we’ll eventually be associated with poor quality. Yet, if we have personal pride, we’ll endeavor to do the best work that we can.
In many ways, I think that personal pride is closely related to feelings of self-worth. When we feel good, we take care of ourselves. Helping our children to develop a healthy sense of self-worth and to then translate that into a commitment to developing personal pride is one of our biggest jobs as parents. There are so many forces trying to steal our kid’s self-esteem that it’s up to us to help them to see reality. They are an individual, they are loved, and they have worth.
I believe that having a strong sense of personal pride will drive an individual to higher levels of satisfaction and personal growth. When we care enough to take care of ourselves, our property, and our tasks, we thrive where we’re planted. Make sure that your children know that they are loved and are cultivating a strong sense of personal pride.
Failure to Communicate
I often feel that our ability to communicate is falling into the trap of diminishing returns. New forms of communication, at their start, are very pure. They focus on connecting people in a very personal and intimate way. Over time, external pressures on communications providers cause a dilution of the purity. Communication becomes less about sharing a story, experience, or memory, and more about a transaction.
Take email, for example. When AOL was the big kid on the block, you seldom had new email every time that you logged on. Yet, when you did have email, it was something worthwhile. It was a note from a friend or relative sharing something with you. Today, you likely get dozens of emails every single day, most of which you delete sight unseen. Email is now a chore, a bore, and a ball weighing you down.
Social media is trending in the same direction. Platforms come and they go. Some explode in popularity and go out in a great ball of fire. Others, like Facebook, remain, but die a long, slow death. They take precious hours from your life and, as they become more transactional, fall further away from the ultimate goal of connecting people in any real way.
I mentioned to Alison the other day that there will come a point where we stop calling our cell phones a “phone.” Most of our communication isn’t done over voice calls, but rather texts, emails, and apps. I think that if we’re to build authentic human relationships, we need to be more intentional about connecting with one another and move our communications outside of the transactional channels.
Voice calls, video calls, text messages, and letters are the channels in which to foster and develop better, more intentional, relationships. While some may argue that text messaging isn’t real communication, I beg to differ. Text messages are like passing notes in class or the telegraphs of old. They’re non-intrusive (unless the receiver makes them so), short messages passed between two people. We need to bring back personal letters. Letter writing takes time, but it’s a time honored tradition that expresses not just the thoughts and emotions that you wish to convey, but that the person is worth the time you took to author the letter. Voice calls are always great, but seem to be slowly falling out of favor. Connecting with relatives whom you don’t see often can best be done using voice calls. Most exciting for us is video calls. I find it particularly exciting with young children because it allows for our relatives to see and interact with Benedict in a real way, and vice versa.
We all desire better communication and connection with one another, and yet few of us make positive steps to improve. Identify those in your life with whom you’d most like to connect with, and take intentional steps to make those connections happen.
Gift Giving
There are many ways to express your love to your wife. Using the words, doing some chores, caring for her after a long week, and even cooking dinner are a few goods ways. One of the more infrequent expression of love is the giving of physical gifts.
Gifts are appropriate at any time and on any occasion. They can be big or small, humble or extravagant. I think that we tend to think of gifts in terms of dollar amounts. That’s a mistake. We need to instead think of gifts in terms of the emotional significance that they carry. To receive a gift is to receive an acknowledgement of one’s special status. It’s a physical reminder that you are loved and appreciated.
There is a balance to be struck between the desire to give gifts and the financial resources required to purchase those gifts. It may be wise to create a “gift fund” in your budget. That way, when you come across something that you’d like to give to your spouse, the money is already allocated and you can be free to make the purchase.
Gifts are tokens of love and this post is meant to serve as a gentle reminder that incorporating the act of gift giving is an excellent idea. Vary your expressions of love and always endeavor to make them a surprise.