The Dinner Opportunity
We tend to overlook the dinner opportunity. Thanks to the rise in popularity of cooking shows, I think we’re beginning to appreciate the role that food plays in our lives. In fact, if you watch any home renovation shows, people often look to upgrade their kitchens before any other room in the house. We need food for survival, but in the midst of a busy and crazy day, food serves a much greater purpose. Meals are a time for rest, relaxation, and for the family, an opportunity to come together.
Far too often, dinner time is wasted in front of the television, over the sink, or in the car on the way to some event. Dinner should be the high point of the family’s day, a sacred appointment that can be infringed upon by no activity. That’s because sharing a meal and the experiences of our day can be a tremendous time for bonding. Children feel heard and loved, parents catch up on their kid’s lives and pick up clues as to how their children really are doing, and the family grows closer.
As I anxiously await Felicity’s birth, I’ve come to recognize that my schedule will indeed be changing. My time spent writing and designing is going to decrease significantly, and so I’ve begun to order my days differently. I’m putting a greater focus on the chores that I’ve willingly picked up, such as the cooking and cleaning. I’m starting to take real responsibility for our family’s menu and as a part of that effort, I want to make dinner something for us to really look forward to.
I think that the respite that meals offer us is really overlooked. We spend our days running around and we value those moments of stillness. Dinner offers us that break and adds in an extra element. We recharge physically and emotionally around the dinner table. Food is necessary, but so is rest.
Dinner is one meal, in particular, that offers us a huge opportunity that should not be missed. It’s an opportunity to connect, to share, to bond, to grow, to serve, and to love. Mark it on your calendar, plan for a delicious meal, and take advantage of the dinner opportunity.
If It’s Broken, Fix It
If you take a careful look at the mass produced products on the market today, you’ll note just how disposable our culture has become. Cars are safer, but feature more plastic. Furniture is rarely made with hard woods, but instead with pressed wood. Homes more and more are built using cheap materials that don’t stand the test of time. Even when it comes to relationships, people have become commoditized. When something breaks, we think replacement and not repair, oftentimes to the detriment of our budget.
I’m not too mechanically inclined, but I do enjoy making small repairs on our cars. My goal is to make our vehicles last as long as possible and, often, they will with the right care. I regularly wash them, keep the interior clean, and will replace or upgrade parts on the car. In fact, almost all of your car’s annoyances can be fixed in your driveway. It’s a fun hobby and I enjoy learning. The payoff is even greater. Cars that, despite their age, look great and last and the total cost of repairs over a given period is generally less than replacing the vehicle.
Self-help auto repairs are even easier these days thanks to the internet. Having a problem with your car? Type your description with the year and model into Google and you’ll find the answer. Wondering how to make the repair? Head on over to YouTube and watch someone else do it and follow along. Certainly there are some repairs that are best left to the mechanic, but as my grandfather used to say, if you can pay someone to do, you can do it.
The most important thing when it comes to car ownership is making sure you have a solid foundation. Squeaky belts and whining blower fans can be replaced. As long as your engine runs and the interior is in good shape, you can have a car that will go the distance for you and your family.
Dad Life
Lately I’ve developed a bit of an addiction to car care. I want our cars to last, so I try to wash them weekly and keep them clean. I’ve always been on the meticulous side when it comes to the cleanliness of our cars, but these days I’ve also taken an interest in making improvements. I’ve upgraded the rearview mirror, the interior lights, and the radio on the van in recent weeks. While working on these projects, it occurred to me that I’m now the dad and these are the things that I do. Several times I’ve been in a bind while making a repair, but with no one to back me up, I just had to troubleshoot my way through the problem and make it work. During these times, I realized that it’s actually fun to be the dad.
There are plenty of things that dads do. We take care of the cars, manicure the lawn, spray for bugs, and make other repairs around the house. I have a growing tool box, work shorts, a work shirt, a work hat, and soon will have work gloves. I now complete the picture of a dad doing chores around the house. I notice what needs attention, I make a list, and in rapid succession I check off the items on that list.
While I still find it hard to believe that I’m actually the dad now, I find this life very satisfying. Caring for our home and property is a way that I can show my love for my family. A good looking car and a good looking lawn sends a positive message to the world and my family gets to be a part of that message. A clean home gives us space to move and the opportunity to not feel trapped in our own home. With everything in working order, we can go about our days without being impeded by dysfunction.
There are innumerable ways that we can show our love to our family. Yet, few ways are more impactful than for children to see dad on a weekend in his “work clothes,” hustling around the house making repairs, improvements, and maintaining the house that we all call home.
We’re Too Comfortable
When it comes to fallen away Catholics, especially those who had a negative experience of the Church many years ago, it seems that each person has a singular event that pushed them over the edge. More likely than not, it was a harsh encounter with a religious. A nun yelling at them or a particularly brutal confessor, the trauma that resulted sadly caused them to leave their home. Like a young runaway, they found themselves in a strange place, cold, alone, and hurting. I think that so much of that hurt comes from an experience that didn’t reconcile with their vision of the Church. The Church, and Christians in general, are supposed to be loving, kind, and gentle people, while being compassionately firm when correcting one another. Those in the religious life are supposed to epitomize those characteristics. So when anyone has a difficult encounter with a religious, one can understandably question the entire system.
I think that it’s a valid reaction to be shocked and hurt when experiencing a blistering confessor. When I go to Confession, I’m in a pretty vulnerable place. I acknowledge where I’ve gone wrong and am frustrated and sad that I’ve made poor choices that were entirely, if not easily, avoidable. I want the carrot, not the stick. I want to be reminded of the ultimate reward for a life well lived, not a beating for the mistakes that I’ve made. A positive reinforcement with some helpful suggestions always carries me further than an indignant response from my confessor. We all feel this way.
These emotions of the penitent is what makes it so important for priests to really focus on their skills as a confessor. This is truly the moment that can make or break faith. The penitent takes a risk, naming their sins and seeking forgiveness. If all goes well, they may reform and make it to the finish line. If the experience is a scarring one, those wounds may cost the game.
While we need tender care in the confessional, there are also times when we need to be called out. Sin takes root and thrives when we’re comfortable. In fact, I might even make the argument that we’re too comfortable. From time to time we really need a reality check in the confessional, but one that comes from solid counseling, not firm admonishment. I think back to the Gospel of Matthew when Jesus tells Peter, “Get behind me Satan.” Had Jesus left it at that, Peter’s hurt very well may have caused him to, like the rich young man, go away sad. Although it’s not written, I like to think that Jesus pulled Peter aside and then offered kind words and encouragement. This is the model of Confession that I think we can get behind. Clear boundaries are drawn, then we’re built back up and sent on our mission.
It’s terribly sad when people feel excluded from the life-giving mission of the Church. While we all have, and will, experience very difficult encounters with religious, faithful, and our fellow Catholics, it’s important to analyze our own emotions and motivations. Perhaps we’re all just living a little too comfortable and could use more accountability in our lives. How we respond in these situations could make or break us. Choose to accept the situation in humility and let nothing prevent you from actively participating in the life of the Church.
Mastering Patience
IKEA is not a store that I associate the virtue of patience with. Assembling the furniture is a task that tries me in so many different ways. We recently bought a few new pieces in order to upgrade our home and prepare the kid’s room for the arrival of Felicity. Surprisingly, I was able to assemble the wardrobe by myself and anchor it to the wall with Alison’s help.
Anchoring and hanging are not my forte. Anchoring this particular wardrobe was especially difficult because not only did I have to mark the wall, insert an anchor, and line the wardrobe back up, but I had to drive a long screw with two large plastic spacers that were positioned between the wardrobe and the wall. After being too frustrated several months ago to be successful, this time I held the spacers in place on the wall with tape, and the process went much more smoothly.
It’s easy to let our emotions get the best of us and to get frustrated, but that reaction is counterproductive. Our minds flood with negativity that then must be directed somewhere, oftentimes towards those around us. I know that IKEA builds patience, but I think that it’s equally important to begin in the right frame of mind. By giving yourself plenty of time and having someone to help and provide their own ideas for getting the job done, you can have a much more pleasant time.
Patience is a virtue that isn’t easily mastered. In fact, it’s one of the more elusive virtues to capture. Yet, for those who try and achieve some level of success, it’s one that brings peace and confidence into their lives. Patience will not only help you in assembling your latest piece from IKEA, it’ll help you build stronger relationships with those around you. Patience may be a virtue that I’m not very good at, but it should be one that I’m working on each day.
Personal Pride
My neighbors love to sit outside and talk to one another. The other day, I was chatting with one of them, and he was telling me about his daughter who is just about to get her drivers license. He told me about how she wants a car, but how it has to be fancy and new. He then shared a story with me about his first car, a truck, that he paid off only to have it totaled shortly thereafter. In further reflecting on this gentleman’s predicament with his daughter, I thought about personal pride and how it relates to our lives.
Today, everyone wants to be different. We want to be individuals and we want the world to know it. Our insecurity about being lost or forgotten in the ocean of life leads some to make some pretty odd changes to their physical appearance. We forget that we’re individuals by the nature of our being. Looking out across the landscape of trends, I think one way to really show off your individualism is to not do something shocking, but rather to develop a true sense of personal pride.
We are, in effect, our own brand. The way we present ourselves, the activities that we partake in, the way we care for our things, the way that we interact with others, and the quality of work that we do all make up this brand. Instead of focusing on how we can shock the world and be memorable, we should focus on how we can improve our personal brand through personal pride.
Personal pride is an attribute that guides all of one’s decisions. It’s making choices that reflect an interior disposition of care and intentionality. It causes us to dress nicely and appropriately in public and to decide to wash our cars and mow our lawn on a regular basis. It drives us to shave regularly or to manicure our beard appropriately and it motivates us to exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet. In sum, personal pride is that driving force which causes us to take care of ourselves.
Interestingly, the quality of work that we do can also be informed by our sense of personal pride. No one truly wants to be known as capable of only shoddy work, and so we work hard to complete tasks to the best of our ability. We want to be praised by management and respected by our peers and doing great work is a surefire way of achieving that goal. If we do poor work, we’ll eventually be associated with poor quality. Yet, if we have personal pride, we’ll endeavor to do the best work that we can.
In many ways, I think that personal pride is closely related to feelings of self-worth. When we feel good, we take care of ourselves. Helping our children to develop a healthy sense of self-worth and to then translate that into a commitment to developing personal pride is one of our biggest jobs as parents. There are so many forces trying to steal our kid’s self-esteem that it’s up to us to help them to see reality. They are an individual, they are loved, and they have worth.
I believe that having a strong sense of personal pride will drive an individual to higher levels of satisfaction and personal growth. When we care enough to take care of ourselves, our property, and our tasks, we thrive where we’re planted. Make sure that your children know that they are loved and are cultivating a strong sense of personal pride.
Failure to Communicate
I often feel that our ability to communicate is falling into the trap of diminishing returns. New forms of communication, at their start, are very pure. They focus on connecting people in a very personal and intimate way. Over time, external pressures on communications providers cause a dilution of the purity. Communication becomes less about sharing a story, experience, or memory, and more about a transaction.
Take email, for example. When AOL was the big kid on the block, you seldom had new email every time that you logged on. Yet, when you did have email, it was something worthwhile. It was a note from a friend or relative sharing something with you. Today, you likely get dozens of emails every single day, most of which you delete sight unseen. Email is now a chore, a bore, and a ball weighing you down.
Social media is trending in the same direction. Platforms come and they go. Some explode in popularity and go out in a great ball of fire. Others, like Facebook, remain, but die a long, slow death. They take precious hours from your life and, as they become more transactional, fall further away from the ultimate goal of connecting people in any real way.
I mentioned to Alison the other day that there will come a point where we stop calling our cell phones a “phone.” Most of our communication isn’t done over voice calls, but rather texts, emails, and apps. I think that if we’re to build authentic human relationships, we need to be more intentional about connecting with one another and move our communications outside of the transactional channels.
Voice calls, video calls, text messages, and letters are the channels in which to foster and develop better, more intentional, relationships. While some may argue that text messaging isn’t real communication, I beg to differ. Text messages are like passing notes in class or the telegraphs of old. They’re non-intrusive (unless the receiver makes them so), short messages passed between two people. We need to bring back personal letters. Letter writing takes time, but it’s a time honored tradition that expresses not just the thoughts and emotions that you wish to convey, but that the person is worth the time you took to author the letter. Voice calls are always great, but seem to be slowly falling out of favor. Connecting with relatives whom you don’t see often can best be done using voice calls. Most exciting for us is video calls. I find it particularly exciting with young children because it allows for our relatives to see and interact with Benedict in a real way, and vice versa.
We all desire better communication and connection with one another, and yet few of us make positive steps to improve. Identify those in your life with whom you’d most like to connect with, and take intentional steps to make those connections happen.
Gift Giving
There are many ways to express your love to your wife. Using the words, doing some chores, caring for her after a long week, and even cooking dinner are a few goods ways. One of the more infrequent expression of love is the giving of physical gifts.
Gifts are appropriate at any time and on any occasion. They can be big or small, humble or extravagant. I think that we tend to think of gifts in terms of dollar amounts. That’s a mistake. We need to instead think of gifts in terms of the emotional significance that they carry. To receive a gift is to receive an acknowledgement of one’s special status. It’s a physical reminder that you are loved and appreciated.
There is a balance to be struck between the desire to give gifts and the financial resources required to purchase those gifts. It may be wise to create a “gift fund” in your budget. That way, when you come across something that you’d like to give to your spouse, the money is already allocated and you can be free to make the purchase.
Gifts are tokens of love and this post is meant to serve as a gentle reminder that incorporating the act of gift giving is an excellent idea. Vary your expressions of love and always endeavor to make them a surprise.
Enough Breaks Already
It’s really easy to cut yourself too much slack. You laud praises on yourself for a good week’s worth of work and award yourself a day off. That day off turns into two, and the snowball continues. Rest is not a reward, it’s a necessary part of work. Rest is rejuvenating, it restores creative capacity, and it promotes health. Too much rest is sloth, laziness, and leads to a sedentary lifestyle. In order to rest, there must be work.
Have a rest day once a week isn’t just a good idea, it’s recommended. God rested on the 7th day and we even have an entire commandment dedicated to the principle of rest. The problem with taking too many breaks is that your work log backs up, leaving things undone. All of that work scheduled properly is manageable, but having neglected it for too long, we feel overwhelmed. The house is a disaster and, while you want it to be clean, you feel it’s too daunting to take on, so you “rest.”
You can only have a restful Sunday by having everything in its place. The chores are done, all other tasks are scheduled and planned, and you can have the clarity of mind to do whatever you wish. Family time, a nap, a movie, running around outside are all within the realm of possibilities. While you enjoy these great pursuits, your mind won’t be preoccupied with all of the things you’ve left undone because you’re armed with the knowledge that you put in the time and all is arranged.
Excessive breaks are nothing more than procrastination, and there’s always a reason why. It may be a lack of clarity, an overly aggressive schedule, or just plain reluctance. We all have things that hold us back and identifying the pain point is the first step to resolution. When you’re tempted to neglect your work, figure out what’s motivating you and make corrections. If you’re afraid to make a call, push through. If you’re lacking clarity, seek it out. If you’ve over scheduled, give yourself permission to move some things around within a reasonable period of time.
Rest isn’t earned, it’s a gift freely given. Yet, it’s a gift that we can only be free to receive if we’ve put in the work. Have a plan, work the plan, and enjoy the fruits of true rest, not tentative procrastination.
St. Joseph: Human
Placing yourself in Bible stories is one of the most widely recommended spiritual exercises when it comes to the Scriptures. We’ve been given the grace of our faith and listening to the Readings every week, it becomes all too easy to separate ourselves from the stories. The Bible becomes a collection of bedtime stories, historical events that happened in the past and yet have little relevance today. Sure, we take the teachings, well some of them, and apply them to our lives, but most of the subject matter just doesn’t apply. I like to really turn the practice of placing myself in the stories on its head by drawing parallels between myself and the state of mind of the characters. To Mary and Joseph, they weren’t perfectly modeling the domestic Church. To them, it was just life. They wanted to do God’s Will and they did it, in just the same way that you and I could if we truly applied ourselves. This deep level of humility before God and man is what characterizes the greatest Saints in the Church.
Joseph, though he was indeed a holy man, was not exempt from sorrow, disappointment, or failure. He likely had boom times in his carpentry business and absolutely terrifying times when business was down. He was the sole provider for his family, and so he felt the same range of emotions tied to that station that we feel. Joseph was born with original sin, and so he sinned. Yet, his life points to a real detachment from sin. I think we fall into the trap of thinking that holy people have great lives because they aren’t tempted. Not so. The saints endure their miseries, but they also don’t bring misery on themselves through sin. So much of the trouble and strife that we face on a daily basis is a consequence of our choices. We choose to sin and in doing so push love a little bit further from the center of our lives. Eventually we reap what we sow.
One of the best ways to describe Joseph’s spiritual state is receptive. Like an antenna raised high in the air waiting to receive messages transmitted to it, Joseph’s actions and state of mind were turned wholly to God. He did this through a robust interior life that we can never know, but also through faithfully living his vocation. His life was so oriented towards God that when the dream came, he was ready to listen. We’ve all had vivid dreams that felt very real, how else could Joseph understand that the dream was a message meant to be carried out and not a fanciful creation of the mind?
The real path to virtue and holiness is through our individual vocations. While callings to the priestly and religious life are indeed beautiful and should be celebrated, they do not preclude, nor excuse, the laity from holiness. Each individual’s calling is specific to them and the special path they are asked to follow. By loving his wife and his Foster Child, Joseph fulfilled his marital promises and his calling in life and so journeyed deeper into the heart of God.
I thought about concluding with something pedestrian about how we can model Joseph’s life and try to live holier lives, but I think that’d be a mistake. The fact is, as hard as it is to believe, we can live a life just as holy and just as rich as Joseph, if only we start making different decisions. Joseph was not excluded from original sin, meaning he made some poor choices in his life. Yet, he pulled himself back up, worked towards perfection, and achieved that holiness that he sought. We can do it to, if only we have the courage and tenacity.