Making the Invisible, Visible
Faith is a gift, and one that parents try to transmit to their children. Those who have a strong sense of faith understand how it acts as a level and fulcrum, boosting the ordinary drudgery of our lives into something almost supernatural. The biggest challenge in the transmission of the faith is not explaining complicated doctrine, or even making the many mysteries of faith understandable. Rather, the biggest challenge is making the invisible, visible.
The phrase “out of sight, out of mind” is popular because it’s mostly true. We tend to concentrate more on what’s in front of us rather than on what’s not. This shortsightedness lands us in all sorts of jams, from sin to compromise on our goals. This tendency presents a major roadblock in helping a child understand who God is and, frankly, why they should care.
The Church gives us many externals that help us to bridge this gap. Alison and I have consistently reinforced in Benedict’s mind who God is, and that He’s very present. When going to Mass, we talk about going to Jesus’ house, and how we’re quiet while we’re there. In the sanctuary, we encourage him to say hello to Jesus and to blow Him kisses. These externals present in a very real way the presence of God in our lives.
Yet, I’ve found an even better way to make the Invisible, visible, not just in Benedict’s mind, but in the daily life of my family. We have three holy water fonts in our home: one by the front door, one in the master bedroom, and one in the kids room. Several times a day, we will bless each other. Benedict in particular enjoys dipping his hand in the font and then giving Alison, Felicity, and I blessings.
This small and simple gesture, an almost forgotten one as we enter into the Church and leave, is nurturing the seed of God placed on Benedict’s heart and in his mind. These little blessings throughout the day, added up, will hopefully produce a bountiful harvest of faith in his own life.
As a parent, I don’t want to see him suffer, and I know that a strong sense of faith will help him go further in life, happiness, and peace than he could on his own. As Alison and I labor to transmit the faith to Benedict and to his sister, I hope that through these series of small, simple gestures, we can make the Invisible, visible to them.
The Fatal Flaw of Feminism
Americans have a great tradition of rugged individualism. We have a heritage of self-reliance typified by the settlers on the Oregon Trail, or the grit of the Greatest Generation. Self-reliance and self-motivation are two great qualities to have, but it seems that we’re becoming more and more insular. Instead of relying on a strong community, we count only on ourselves. This move has lead to peculiar movements and ideologies, especially modern feminism. The thing about authentic femininity is that it requires no words. They don’t need to tear anything down in order to validate themselves. They’re powerful and sublime in and of themselves.
The notion of women’s rights is a good one. Women should have the same opportunities as men. This is basic, and something that we can gain consensus on. The place where feminism goes wrong is when it asserts that women should be men, that gender is irrelevant.
Authentic femininity celebrates her diversity that she brings in thought, action, and biology. The nourishing instincts of a mother a comforting to her children and her husband. Her particular viewpoint is valuable because it allows all parties to see issues and questions in a new light.
Modern feminism requires malignancy. Men must now be beaten into submission, sex must be used as a weapon to achieve an end, and the only way to garner attention is through shock and awe. The problem with this approach goes back to the lesson that we all learned in kindergarten: you attract more bees with honey than with vinegar.
Femininity, in its truest state, quietly demands respect. By embracing modesty and channeling those thoughts, feelings, and emotions that are instinctual, she can act with poise and dignity. Like a masterful work of art, it draws in the attention of the crowds and commands attention.
Women deserve respect, honor, and love, not only because they are the seat of life, but because of who they are. Authentic femininity is not a weakness, but rather is true strength.
The Joy of Two Children
When Felicity arrived this Spring, I had just gotten a handle on how to deal with Benedict. Now a toddler, he’s incredibly bright and interactive. We had a weekly routine organized that consisted of errands, trips to the library, adventures to see family, and even ways he could help around the house. As with all things, the moment that we get comfortable and confident, things change.
One of my greatest delights over the past few years has been getting to watch Benedict grow. Along the way, he’s picked up a number of funny and heartwarming habits. When I ask him to do something, he’ll often respond, “Of course, Daddy! Of course!” I know that in a few years that phrase will completely disappear from his vocabulary, but for now, I’ll relish in it. He doesn’t take time-outs personally. He’ll sit quietly in his chair, head bowed, but as soon as I tell him he may come out, he greets me with a big smile and a hug.
So much of what we believe as a society about children is wrong. We see them as a roadblock and not an opportunity. We see them as a hinderance and not a bonus. These views are so widely held because we are just looking at the situation from the wrong point of view. It’s been my experience that children tend to remind us of the basic goods in life. A sense of discovery and eternal optimism permeates the life of children. They aren’t stressed, they don’t hold on to fear, and they enjoy every moment that they can. Those attributes, if we adopted them as adults, could substantially improve our lives.
Now that I have two children to load into my minivan, I recognize the change that is coming to my life. I’m reminded of the little inconveniences that come with the full time care of a newborn, outweighed, of course, by the full time cuteness. I know that Benedict and I’s daily script, which we worked so hard to create, needs to be thrown out and reworked. I also know that Benedict and I’s opportunity for fun, exploration, and adventure has now significantly expanded that we get to share it with another little person. Benedict is going to be a great big brother, and I hope that his meekness rubs off on Felicity.
Children are a joy, plain and simple. Although they are the original disrupters, what results for the parents is a life better than the one they had planned on their own.
Being Whom I Want to Be
We all have within us the power and ability to shape who we are. From the media that we consume, the choices that we make, and the actives that we participate in, everything that we do acts as a small puzzle piece, coming together as the picture of who we are. Physical activity, educational pursuits, and even hobbies can help us to reform our lives. One area that I want to particularly grow in is becoming the husband that I’ve always wanted to be.
There are generally two versions of ourselves. The one that we have in our mind, that we imagine ourselves to be, and the person we actually are. It’s important for use to learn from the version in our minds in order to inform the one who’s actually acting in the world.
At certain points in our lives, there is a transformation that occurs that is beyond understanding. We tap into energies previously unknown, love truly unconditionally, and service with our whole hearts. In these times, we are completely selfless and get to experience what life could truly be like, if we lived the way we ought to live. To be sure, it’s exhausting when compared to our typically selfish ways. Being selfish requires no effort, thinking, or energy at all.
Recently I got to truly experience what the “ideal me” looks like, and I loved every minute of it.
When Felicity was born, I was prepared to serve. I knew that Alison would be laid up for several days and it would be my responsibility to take charge of all aspects of our family life and medical care. Anything that Alison asked of me, I did, immediately. I anticipated her needs and responded to changing situations. For days I thought of nothing but her and my children. I would eat meals at odd hours, sleep on uncomfortable hospital furniture, and get up multiple times throughout night. Through it all, I was rarely tired and always compassionate.
Imagine if I were able to pull that off in my daily lived experience. Imagine if I were able to get my work and tasks done, while still being that responsive, empathic, and helpful. At the very least, my experience had proven that sainthood really is possible. It was the closest to heroic virtue that I’d ever come.
This really gets back to my point. The person in your mind, the person whom you really want to be, can be who you truly are. Through a process of discovery and understanding, you can articulate the characteristics that you would like to have and then implement them in your lives, one at a time. We spend too much of our lives daydreaming and bemoaning the fact that we aren’t healthier, holier, or happier. Instead of wasting your life dreaming, spend more of your life doing.
The Genius of the Family
Experiential knowledge is the most valuable of all. When Alison and I went to the hospital to deliver our new daughter, we wanted what all parents want: a healthy child. Minutes after Felicity came into the world, she began to deviate from that script. As if she was living out an episode of House, MD, her condition was both perplexing and terrifying. Her symptoms followed the criteria for one condition, only to swerve to a whole new condition. Her care team was chasing a ghost, and one that would not be easily diagnosed.
Less than a day into her life, she was loaded into an isolette and transported to the regional Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. After twelve days and a self-resolving diagnosis, Felicity was finally able to come home. Our journey over those two weeks was difficult, to say the least. The hospital was half an hour from our home, we had to arrange care for Benedict, and many days had to leave her alone at night. As Felicity’s condition improved, Alison stayed full-time with her, while I moved back and forth, tending to matters at home and at the hospital.
In all of this struggle and challenge, I saw the genius of the family playing out. The family, conceptually, is a group of related humans, living and working together for a common goal, the care and support of one another. In reality, especially in our modern era, the family is seriously broken. Dysfunction, division, separation, and redefinition has brought the family to a nebulous state. What is a family? Whatever you want it to be.
There’s a real temptation to define things by their features, but a more correct process defines things by their essence. The family, at its core, is a married husband and wife. Both complementary and divergent, each fills a particular role in bringing stability to the home. The mystery of how this actually plays out in real life so successfully, and it is truly a mystery, is what forms the foundation of the family, from which children are reared.
Stability is the true genius of a family. In those very difficult days with Felicity still hospitalized, neither Alison nor I ever questioned the availability, commitment, or involvement of the other. We sensed our each other’s needs, and responded. I was actively involved in managing Felicity’s care while Alison was recovering from the delivery. Alison provided round the clock maternal care and answered my clinical questions. She didn’t have to worry about my commitment: this was our child and we would both take responsibility for her.
Families endure all sorts of trials throughout their existence. Stability binds them together and allows the unit to withstand any test.
Granted, the married couple, along with their children form a family, but the unsung hero of this system is the extended family. We all need support, and sometimes require that support to come from outside of the family. This is where the extended family comes in to play. Whether it’s giving parents a weekend off, taking care of household chores after an illness, or just being on the other end of the phone ready to answer any question, the extended family fortifies the family and allows it to thrive.
Neighbors, too, can contribute to healthy families. One morning, the week after bringing Felicity home, I walked outside to see that one of my neighbors had mowed our lawn. I’m not sure which one did, but this small act of kindness, which took less than 10 minutes, made me feel respected and cared for. These small acts, neighbors looking out for each other, can cause us all to reap the benefits of a vibrant and harmonious community.
We owe it to ourselves to labor to build strong families in our communities. The stability that they bring can contribute not just to better communities, but what St. John Paul II calls a civilization of love. All of us dream of a culture of respect, honesty, and trust. That dream can only be realized when we focus on family. Start in your own home, build your children up, and slowly watch the flame spread.
Keeping Things Civil
Every four years, we have a tremendous, Constitutionally guaranteed, opportunity to remind ourselves just how much we hate our neighbor. Twelve to sixteen months of personal attacks and a relentless avalanche of political marketing that has become our presidential election cycle. Instead of being a moment for us to collectively pause, evaluate our progress, and choose a vision for our future, it’s a free-for-all.
The same is true for us this year. We’re passing the twelve month mark in this election cycle and it seems that this is an appropriate moment to remind ourselves of something truly elementary: we’re all people.
Our thoughts and opinions are largely based on our upbringing, environment, and life experiences. A nation of 300+ million people cannot possibly hope to agree on everything, but we should be able to come together, through the appropriate channels, to express viewpoints and agree on a course of action. This ideal, of course, has not really been seen concretely since September 11, 2001.
The beautiful by-product of that deplorable attack was how it united us as a nation. We set aside our political prejudices and focused instead on what brings us together. We collectively make our nation what it is, and all have a stake in making it the best society possible.
We shouldn’t need a massive attack in order to remind us that our political opponents are people who care just as much about the future of our nation as we do. This fall, and indeed beyond November 8th, I challenge you to do the bravest thing any citizen can do in the public life: remain civil.
Manage Your Care
Having married a physician, most of my daily conversations revolve around the topic of medicine. It’s not a terrible set-up, as healthcare is a major component of our lives. There are plenty of interesting issues to discuss, questions to ponder, and scenarios to explore. A fascinating aspect of healthcare today is the pedestal that we as patients put our physicians on. Instead of being trusted counselors, they become the proverbial Catholic elementary school principal, waiting to rap us on the knuckles for being overweight, having a poor diet, and failing to manage our conditions appropriately. They speak in technical terms and prescribe interventions and treatment courses that we do not fully understand, and we fail to ask a single intelligent question. The fact remains that the patient has a great deal of control in the management of their care, if only they’d take advantage.
Nearly all recommendations made by physicians are completely voluntary, except where mandated by law. Hospitals are not prisons, and while leaving against medical advice may result in your insurance sticking you with the entire bill for your care, you still have the right to leave at any time, for any reason. Patients tend to not challenge anything their physicians say, and that can be dangerous, especially in a fragmented care system with incompatible record keeping systems, and a complex network of sub-specialists managing various conditions.
The first step in taking charge is to use the power of the question. Physicians are trained to communicate precisely with their colleagues, which is why medical terminology is so complex and detailed. They, like any other professional group, must be able to communicate succinctly with one another in order to answer medical questions. This is especially important in emergent situations. Consequently, physicians are seldom taught to communicate clearly with their patient. Translating medical terminology into the vernacular is as difficult as any other type of language translation. This is where patient questions factor into the equation. By asking clarifying questions until you are satisfied, you will not appear unintelligent, but rather you’ll gain their respect. Physicians love when their patients are actively involved because you become a partner to success, not a roadblock. Your physician is focused on your care and appropriately managing your case. Therefore, in order to fully understand the plan and to appropriately set expectations, you must ask questions.
The next step is to stop using the Internet for your medical questions. You and your insurance company compensate your providers handsomely for their wealth of knowledge, their clinical correlation of your conditions, and for the development of a highly individualized treatment plan. If you have a question, or would like other treatment plans, ask the professional whom you are paying. Medicine is an art, not a science, so odds are you receiving poor quality information from Dr. Google. That’s not to say that the information is totally wrong, it simply may be outdated and it doesn’t take into account your personalized history. Formulate your questions in advance of your appointment and don’t let the appointment end until you understand the plan and your role in it.
The final, and perhaps the most important step in managing your healthcare, is to speak up when something doesn’t sound right. Physicians can routinely see over 20 patients a day in some settings, so it’s possible that they might be confusing you with someone else. Pay close attention to the plan that’s been set in motion, and when something happens that deviates from that plan, say something. Accidents in healthcare can easily become deadly. Not even highly educated professionals or institutional safety programs can eliminate human error. The patient can help prevent devastating errors.
Healthcare is a partnership between you and the health professionals that you hire to help you have a better quality of life. Only work with the best professionals available, ask lots of questions, and never be afraid to ask for a second opinion.
The Rightful Place for Sex
We love sex. We love it so much that sex has found itself in just about every quarter of our lives. It’s a weapon, a tool, a marketing strategy, a sales tool, clickbait, and even a conversation piece. The only problem is, sex really doesn’t belong in any of those places. Sex most rightly belongs in a marriage, and the pragmatic reason has nothing to do with religion or pregnancy.
Our sexuality is the most personal, intimate part of who we are as people. Sex is a complete unmasking, total self-donation; surrendering oneself to the beloved. Something this personal, this powerful, can only properly be cared for within a permanent union.
The problem with causal sexual encounters is that instead of being lovingly concerned for the other person’s feelings and emotions, as spouses ought to be, sex becomes a game. There’s a script to follow, comparisons to be made, and stories to be told. It’s this cavalier approach to human sexuality that has resulted in a hook-up culture, shaming, bullying, and objectification. People become less than; they’re consumable and disposable.
Something this personal can really most properly be shared with only one other person. The emotional bond that is formed, regardless of whether or not the parties acknowledge it, is something that is innately permanent. It cries out for protection, discretion, and stability. The focus of sex should be the sacrifice and nurturing of spouses, not the recreational activity of two bored and hurting people, let alone a conquest of some sort.
Young people and unmarried adults shouldn’t refrain from sex out of some prudish motivation, but rather out of an intentional choice. It should be a choice made with deference to the great gift that is human sexuality, and with respect for their future spouse. Everyone wants to have a good time, but no one wants their future spouse to come with baggage. This quandary only solidifies the logic behind reserving sex for the permanence of marriage.
We can gain great insight into truth solely through observation. Observation shows us that using sex as a commodity as opposed to a spousal gift leads individuals and even societies to dark and lonely places. Sex is a human act that should be celebrated; an act of selfless love for one’s spouse. Let’s keep it that way.
Respect People
The Catholic Church’s position on life is unimpeachable. Every human person has inherent dignity and the right to live from the moment of conception to their natural death. Arguably, the Catholic Church is the biggest champion of human rights and dignity in our world today. There are no exceptions and the Church speaks out against violations of the dignity of the human person in all quarters. Whether it be immigration, human trafficking, forced sterilizations, abortion, pornography, IVF, or the poor, the Church fights valiantly on the international, national, regional, and local levels to correct injustices.
Many of us call ourselves pro-life and espouse the virtue of respecting all human life. Undoubtedly, many of us fail to fully live this mission for one simple reason: the sheer magnitude of the disrespect for human life in our culture is impossible to grasp. Respecting life is about more than children and the elderly, it’s about having empathy and compassion for people in all situations. It’s realizing in moments of discomfort or strife that the person opposing you is a person just as you are, and worthy of respect, dignity, and love.
Consider this story, one that I’m sure you can relate to.
Driving conditions in Virginia can be, well, complex. Recently I was traveling home on a major interstate after going to Confession. Elated, and in a state of grace, I had a tremendous sense of peace and calm. It’s that feeling that we all know, the realization that we just received a chance to start all over again. I drive 5 or 6 over the speed limit, and in this case, was traveling on a major trucking route with only two lanes in either direction. With my cruise control set, I moved into the left lane in order to pass two tractor-trailers. We were in a safety zone, an area of interstate that, because of the nature of the road construction, requires a reduced speed. Still, I was traveling at my 6 miles over the limit pace. Admittedly, my pass rate on the trucks wasn’t great, but I was still moving.
Behind me, with all the speed, energy, and inertia of the proverbial bat out of hell came a silver SUV. They flashed their lights, honked, and followed me at an unsafe distance. With no opportunity to pass me on the right due to the trucks, it was the perfect situation for some road rage. Since I’m not an employee of the Virginia Department of Transportation, a delegate in the Virginia Assembly, or even a traffic engineer, I did not have the power to change the speed limit. The limit was determined, by law, to be the safest speed allowable for that stretch of road. Yet, the driver behind me insisted on making it known that they believed my speed was inappropriate and wished that I would simply move out of their way.
Road rage is often cyclical. One person initiates, the other responds, and the cycle continues. I passed the trucks about three minutes after this person came behind me, and they raced on. I had several possible responses. Noticing their license plate, I could’ve said disparaging things about the State of New York and the people from there, I could’ve prolonged their delay by not fully passing the truck. I even could’ve stared at them and gestured appropriately. Instead, I offered a simple prayer for them.
In that moment, I realized just how systemic our respect for life must be. I don’t know what was causing that person’s concern or need to drive so dangerously, but they may have had a legitimate reason. They may be a veteran with PTSD, completely unaware of how their actions are being perceived, or even just someone who’s having a bad day. They may have just been a jerk, I’ll never know. The point is that instead of matching rage for rage, I consciously decided to return compassion and empathy in the event that they truly needed it in that moment.
In order to truly respect life, we must act without exception. All of our actions either respect life or degrade it. So the next time that you’re tempted to join in on office gossip, purposely exclude someone, or even withhold empathy from a person on the street, remember how valiantly the Church fights for the dignity of the human person, and afford that same courtesy to those around you.
I hate Facebook. So I did something about it.
I recently received an email from Facebook congratulating me on my 10 year anniversary on the network. While I’m sure they had a heavily researched intention behind the email, I found it to be both striking and frightening. In the first place, I found it striking how in such a fickle market, they’ve endured for so long. While others have come and gone, Facebook remains. I found it frightening when I considered just how much of my life I’ve lost through Facebook.
There are two ways of looking at social networks. The first way is that they’re a geographically agnostic way of connecting people. The opposing view is that social media is destroying human communication and relationships. I do acknowledge the great good that social networking has done. As a military child growing up in the time before the internet was so mainstream, I lost many friendships with each move. Although it did not necessarily adversely affect me, it would’ve been nice to carry on at least a few of those friendships. At the same time, I’ve found social media has trended from authentic connection to sheer vanity.
So I deactivated my Facebook account. Here’s why.
Certainly there have been a number of evolutions and iterations in how Facebook handles its timeline feature. So much of the news that was appearing was wholly uninteresting, a plethora of articles, images, and status updates liked by people in my network that had no relevancy to my own life. That was annoying, but not my impetus for leaving. Instead, I evaluated how I was using the network and hated what I found.
I was being vain. I was pushing out updates that were only self-serving. I was sharing a heavily curated set of stories, updates, and photos, meant to impress. Like someone preparing for their high school reunion, I was editing my story in order to cater to the expectations of others. The further I fell into this trap, the less that I shared. Instead of sharing an unfiltered view into my life to my connections, I was only sharing that which I believed made me more likable.
Then there was the “default.” Any time I had a lull in my day, I would default to checking social media. So many precious minutes lost that could have been writing, designing, reading, or learning, were sent out into the nothingness of social media updates. Instead of defaulting to something worthwhile that I could walk away from feeling satisfied, I defaulted to reading the same updates that I’d already seen.
Facebook was designed to meet that human desire to connect, but all that it has ended up doing is creating the most tentative of connections. We get into fights instead of getting into conversations. We troll instead of building up. In my estimation, it was no longer worth my time.
I’ve left my Facebook page up so that I can continue to share my work, but I no longer use Facebook for personal reasons. I’ve pared back the number of people that I follow on Twitter and I’m still unsure what I’m going to do about Instagram.
Social networks have largely failed to achieve their stated purpose because they are, in the end, a business. We are the product, sold to marketers, leaving this attempt at human connection hijacked by advertisements. Communication is one area in our lives that we could all work to improve. I’ve taken the first step by ceasing to give time and energy to outlets that fail to make me a better person. What’s your first step?