The Necessity of Rest (and Why You Need More of It)
I spent four years in the workforce after college. The environment was challenging, but it was a nonprofit, so people were kind about it. There was a constant tension over work hours. The more experienced employees came up through the company at a time where results came at any cost. My peers and I were more interested in having a work/life balance. This difference of opinion centered on one critical element: the role of rest. To them, we were lazy. To us, they were unreasonable.
These last few months have been challenging for me. Alison’s schedule demands have increased, as have the demands on my time. Caring for the kids now takes up the majority of my day leaving me just three hours for my mountain of work. All last month, I struggled to get back on “schedule,” never quite finding success. It wasn’t until I realized that I had forgotten to rest that I understood why. My brain can handle lots of work, but it also needs time to recharge. By always working, I neglected to give myself the rest that I needed. I called a truce and took October off. It was rejuvenating.
Rest is something that I’ve written about many times. I’ve shared my views on [the differences between rest and idleness.] (LINK 1). I shared my belief that [discipline can help you maintain your schedule.] (LINK 2) I’ve even shared [how I made a practice of not working on Sundays.] (LINK 3) For all this advice to be helpful, have to be diligent about maintaining these habits.
I know the temptation is there to slack off, it’s one that I grapple with almost daily. I have a little pity party and then waste away two solid hours that I could’ve utilized much better. I discovered that there’s a real difference between spontaneous breaks and rest. Spontaneous breaks are those mornings when you have a rough start, so you do nothing all day. The problem with this type of unscheduled pass is that there was no planning. You made no provisions for the work that was due, so it piles up.
Rest, real rest, is both planned for and takes place over several days. When you plan your vacations, you can ensure that there’s nothing outstanding. You can check out and not worry about the work piling up while you recharge your batteries. I think that one day a week is enough to propel you through the next week.
Besides scheduled rest, there are periods of rest that happen during your day. To you and me, they might look like the hour(s?) we spend on the couch, but there are better ways to plan those “off-times.” [Shawn Blanc shares how he plans out his work focus and rest focus each morning] (LINK 4) so that he knows what to do in the downtime to continue making forward progress.
It may not surprise you that the United States is the most depressed country in the world. This epidemic is affecting almost 10% of all Americans. According to Dr. Matthew Sleeth, the problem is that we’re not finding time to rest. Dr. Sleeth is a former emergency room physician who did extensive [research on the connection between rest and the adverse effects it has on our health.] (LINK 5) His research is disconcerting, to say the least.
There’s good news here. You have the ability to take back control of your schedule. Put your to-do list into a trusted system (I use the [Things app](LINK 6) and plan your days so that you have one day off each week. Plan your vacations in advance and turn off your work while you’re out of the office. Exercise a bit more, eat a little healthier, and watch your outlook improve.
Take Permission to Pray
I’m a recovering productivity addict. I used to love optimizing everything. I’d find the best apps, the fastest way to get a job done, and I’d proceed with vigor. Every minute had to be scheduled, every task planned out, and every execution flawless. This way of life was taxing on me. A few weeks ago I shared how I struggled to find time to pray in my daily schedule. Perhaps you face the same challenge. I think I’ve figured out how to bring it all together.
Take permission. Prayer is a fluid time. I think it works best when we’re free to follow these sacred minutes wherever they lead. Sometimes they’ll start in the Bible, in conversation, or even Grant Us Peace. From there, who knows where they’ll end up. It’s when the schedule crushes me that prayer feels forced. Timekeeping turns prayer into a grind instead of grace.
I know that when I give the first minutes or hour of my day to prayer, my whole day goes better. I’m more calm, centered, and energized. When I’m disciplined enough to wake up on time and start my day with prayer, I set myself up for success.
When I gave up on life hacking, something powerful happened. I allowed myself an hour to get going and enter into prayer, and my life fell back into alignment. My process is simple. I come downstairs, get a glass of water, turn on nature sounds, and set a timer for 25 minutes. What happens next is up to the Spirit.
If you’re struggling to find time to pray, take permission to make room in your schedule. Block out 15 minutes or an hour and keep your day at bay. Be okay with not checking things off of your to-do list or getting about the business of the day. Let the time be a gift you give to yourself and the first fruits that you offer back to the Giver.
Giving Up on Giving Up Slowly
One of my favorite Relient K songs opens with the verse, “I’m giving up on giving up slowly.” It’s a song about redemption, resolve, and hope in a better life that is beginning now. It’s the moment we all experience when we walk out of the confessional.
A life without sin is the life we were made to lead. Along the path, we meet resistance. Before we are challenged by forces in the world, we have to beat ourselves. We must beat the sins, habits, tendencies, and tastes that knock us off of our game. We face down doubt, reluctance, and fear. Can it really be true? What about all of this that I have to give up? Is this really a better path? Maybe I’ll try tomorrow.
Tomorrow turns into a week, turns into a month, a year, a life. Before we know it, we’re further from the destination than when we started. All of these small choices that we make carry us a little further off the path and into the weeds.
What if things were different? What if we gave up on giving up slowly? What if we raised the stakes and went all in? What if we laid down this empty life that we’ve chosen for ourselves and embraced the life-giving cross?
How different would you feel each morning? How different would your marriage be? How different would your relationship with your children be? How different would your job feel? The Cross has a way of touching every area of our lives. Everything would be different.
I’m giving up on giving up slowly. I’m excising all of the things getting in my way. I’m done with excuses and believing that a setback negates all of my progress. I’m done neglecting my spiritual life for a few lousy extra minutes of sleep. I’m done. I’m done. I’m done.
Seeking Simplicity
Life has a way of coming full circle. Just five years ago, when I was young, free, and single, I was obsessed with technology. My phone had over 100 apps in the early days of the App Store and I was constantly looking for life hacks. I had this impetus to be more productive by using only the best tools. Like my conversion to Jazz (and now Classical) music, I blew up over the weekend and deleted almost every app from my phone. Why did I feel this need to be free? It all started with a song.
I’ve been a solid Relient K fan since 2007. I love their tongue-in-cheek lyrics and the great messages that they convey through their lyrics. In fact, I always buy the CD whenever they release a new album. After subscribing to Apple Music a few months back, I went through and added their entire catalogue to my library. They released an EP earlier this year called “Look On Up.” The song is about how we live our lives through pictures and filters when we should really just be experiencing our lives. It’s a profound piece of art.
My life has been crazy these past three months as I’ve adjusted to caring for a toddler and an infant. Just Friday I sent an email to my subscribers about how overwhelmed I felt and how I was giving myself the grace to take a day and get everything reset. (I did, by the way, and it was amazing!) As a part of that reset, I took a look at my commitments and my technology, and I started quitting.
I have a number of websites that I maintain that I’m no longer going to work on. I also sat down with my devices and deleted nearly all of my apps. My passion for the latest and greatest app has subsided to being content with many of the Apple stock apps. My phone no longer has Twitter or Instagram, so there’s no longer an impulsion to graze. Instead, I’m going to be in the moment with my family.
I made one other change. I wake up at 5:30am to help better manage my migraines. It’s quiet and still that early in the morning and I relish those precious minutes. When I start my day with prayer, everything just goes better. I cut more work time and gave myself that first hour of the day, a tithe if you will, to be free to pray. I put on a soundscape (I’ve been using the Calm app), pull out my latest edition of the Magnificat and just enjoy the peace and coffee.
Our brains were not designed to be always on and our lives are meant to be lived, not archived. Clear out the clutter, focus on today, and live a day that’s worth remembering.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?” (Matthew 6:25)
Pam, Porn, & Paul
There’s no renewal without conversion. There’s no mercy without justice. There’s no resurrection without the Cross. These axioms define what it means to be a Christian. Our lives must be in a constant state of renewal as we conform ourselves to Christ.
Pamela Anderson is widely regarded as one of the great sex symbols of the 1990s. This dehumanizing title, though intended to be a compliment, is repugnant. Labelling Pam as a sex symbol supplants the mystique of her femininity with something other than, less than. She’s back in the news after penning an op-ed piece about the dangers of pornography. The Internet reacted predictably and unkindly.
One pornographer even responded by asserting, “I believe that my movies, that couples have watched, have saved more marriages than all the marriage counselors combined.”
Most of the comments were inane, but the running theme was hypocrisy. Why should the public trust a woman who was a staple in Playboy magazine?
Porn is the new cigarette. Like cigarettes, I think we’re getting ready to collectively realize just how harmful it really is. The anonymity of Internet pornography targets a group of the population that would never be caught dead in a porn shop or the “adult” section of the bookstore. It’s a temptation that ordinary people wouldn’t struggle with were it not for the easy access. The Internet has opened up porn to a whole new market segment and it’s ripping our homes apart.
While the impact of porn is heartbreaking, it’s also brought into focus a beautiful side of humanity. Websites like Fight the New Drug seek to counter the porn propaganda and educate young people about the sickening realities of porn. Anti-porn apologists like the great Matt Fraddnow drop wisdom on the Internet. One of his recent tweets was especially impactful: “Love says, “this is my body given up for you.” Porn says, “this is your body taken by me.” Reject fake.” TIME magazine ran a cover story on the dangers of porn and the government of Utah declared porn a public health crisis.
Many chose to condemn Pam, but in her witness, I see a very familiar character. Before Saul was Paul, he was a devastatingly effective enforcer. Saul was so unwavering in his persecutions, that Acts 8:3 tells us that he “was trying to destroy the church.” Along the road to Damascus, Saul had his great conversion, became Paul, and began to follow the Way.
Understandably, the Christians were dubious. But Paul began to publicly preach about Jesus in the synagogues in Damascus. This led the Jews to ask themselves, “Is not this the man who in Jerusalem ravaged those who call upon this name, and came here expressly to take them back in chains to the chief priests?” (Acts 9:21). The Jews were so upset at Paul’s conversion that they plotted to kill him (Acts 9:23).
We know that Paul’s conversion was sincere, and the significance of his story lends credibility to his witness. Here’s a man who hated the church, converted, and is now the most prolific writer of his era. Paul’s letters fill the New Testament with rich theology and practical wisdom. He paid a great price for his conversion, executed as a martyr in Rome.
The fact that Pamela Anderson is willing to publicly denounce the culture that made her famous, I think, lends credibility to her testimony. Many doubt her authenticity, but I’m reminded of the truths that I’ve come to know about the Christian life. There’s no renewal without conversion, no mercy without justice, and no resurrection without the Cross. Porn is destroying our families, and if one more voice crying out in the wilderness is what it takes to end this scourge, I’m all ears.
Pro-Life with Credibility
The modern pro-life movement has focused on the issue of abortion. It would seem that is an appropriate focus given the scope of abortion and the opportunity for change. There have been 59M abortion deaths in the United States since 1973. Yet, to be pro-life requires that we be more than just anti-abortion.
The entire movement starts with the belief that every life is worthy of dignity. This idea is one that requires pervasiveness. We must apply it to every person in every situation, not just in the context of elective abortion. This is where the trouble with our credibility begins.
First, we’re going to have to address the issue of contraception. This is our biggest hurdle. Hormonal contraception, by design, is abortifacient. It may be abortion at the earliest stages of life, but it is nonetheless abortion. Other forms of contraceptives, such as barrier methods, are wrong because they stem from the same hostile mindset. The widespread usage of contraception poses a direct threat to the credibility of the pro-life movement.
Next, we have to move to constrict the death penalty. There are situations in which the death penalty is licit from a moral perspective. The criteria for meeting that moral exception are high. Rarely in the United States do we see these criteria met by any inmate. We have correctional facilities that can safeguard society from even the most dangerous offenders.
Finally, we have to be more serious about advocating for the respect of the elderly. Euthanasia is now becoming an acceptable resolution to the difficulties of life. This viewpoint is troublesome because it advocates the destruction of life as a solution. Presented as a humane way of ending suffering, it targets the most vulnerable. The truth is that euthanasia tells people that they are nothing more than a burden. Instead of experiencing the beauty of a journey’s end, life comes to an unnatural end. We’ve made great strides in the field of palliative care so that pain can be well managed in the final stages of life. Hospice has matured as a concept bringing much-needed resources to patient and family. The dignity of the human person is not contingent on one’s health.
Somewhere in those three points, members of the pro-life movement will find a hang-up. The truth is, if we want to be credible on the respect for any human life, we must insist on the respect for all human life. Only then will our message reverberate with those who hold an opposing view.
What will it take to move the pro-life movement to a place of wholistic advocacy for the respect of life? A lot of things that will make many of us uncomfortable.
The Duplicity of Moral Superiority
There’s a tendency in human thought to desire superiority over others. We must show those we resent that we’ve made something of our lives and that it’s more than they’ve done. Thus, we are better than they are. This tendency is destructive and it diverts precious resources away from bettering ourselves.
Moral superiority is a major component of this superiority complex. On a variety of issues, we hold impassioned beliefs that we think are correct. After all, it would be silly for you to hold a strong belief that you thought was wrong. In our arguments, we put our emotions in control and stop seeing our opponents as people. Useful dialogue disintegrates into a fight for moral superiority.
Moral superiority is duplicitous because morality doesn’t seek to subjugate or demean. Rather, morality seeks to guarantee the common good for all people. Moral superiority damages our credibility and limits success. Proving that we are right requires that we must destroy another person.
There are moral issues that are more important than others. To be sure, the value of the human person outweighs the morality of stealing for a good cause. It’s possible to make an argument for the importance of a moral issue without demeaning. In fact, a good moral argument results in both parties leaving edified.
The quest for superiority is hubris, and it only gets in the way of a valid intellectual exploration. When advocating for an idea, ignore moral superiority and focus on the question. Your discussion will bear more fruit and you’ll both leave with more respect.
The Three Stages of Every New Marriage
As the ultimate Throwback Thursday, Alison and I are celebrating our four year wedding anniversary. We’re a very different family than we were on that day, and different people, too. I can see now how each year has progressed and the different stages that we have moved through. The early stages of any new marriage can be tumultuous, but I fear that we give newlyweds and engaged couples the wrong perspective. They’re sold on the idea of a honeymoon phase that I don’t believe is rooted in reality. Instead, there are three phases that every marriage goes through.
The First Year: Disruption
Disruption is a common way of describing when industries are upended by a revolutionary new idea. I can think of no better way to describe the first year of marriage than disruption. Everything that the couple thought they knew, both relationally and personally, is challenged. The first year is marked by fights about things that they never fought about when dating. The daily routines, idiosyncrasies, habits, and lifestyle preferences collide in the most magnificent way, leaving behind a giant mess.
This is a time when the spouses get to know each other in a very real way. In the marital bond, people are free to completely let their guard down and be their most true selves. This can cause friction if the true self starkly contrasts with the one presented to the world. It’s a special bond in that, perhaps for the first time ever, the spouses feel safe, free, and cared for.
These fights are commonly based in improperly set expectations. Living together for the first time, a myriad of differences must be ironed out and that, at times, requires fighting. The issues surrounding disruption would not be solved by premarital cohabitation either. Cohabitation creates a false sense of preparedness, which in turn leads both parties to change their behavior. Behavioral decisions are made based on what the other is perceived to want as opposed to a more natural state.
Into this chaos, sometimes children can arrive. While the discernment about the timing and number of children is solely within the discretion of a married couple, it can be advisable to hold off for a time on having kids. Children can make this transition more difficult, but at the same time, they are always a blessing. Proper discernment must be undertaken any time the creative powers are being contemplated, most especially in the first year.
What is truly remarkable, if not beautiful, about the first year is that we start to see true love. Though the discussions and fights, spouses open themselves to making small, manageable changes in order to be more pleasing to their spouse. These sacrifices are the foundation of strong marriage.
The Second Year: Asynchronous Unity
About the time of the first anniversary, as the hard work of marriage begins to bear fruit, the couple moves into the second phase: asynchronous unity.
In marriages, especially between young professionals, career weighs heavily on the relationship. With different jobs and different schedules pulling each spouse in different directions, it’s imperative that a couple works together in order to find that common time and space. In that same way, the differences in spouses continues to pull each other apart, while at the same time they jointly fight for the middle.
There is a great deal of settling in the second year and a significant reduction in fighting. The home, schedule, and routines have been established, so points of contention have been mostly resolved. In this peace, the spouses can begin to work together on joint goals. They may be getting good a working together as a team, but are still not totally in sync.
The real power of the marital bond is experienced when this asynchronous unity blends into unity, where a couple is working together towards the same goal.
The Third Year: Self-Surrender
If you want to be the spouse that you were made to be, you must master the practice of loving self-surrender. What is marriage if not total commitment and total service? Undoubtedly, this is the most difficult part of marriage. Some learn it in the first few years, many never even try. In order to truly love, you must overcome your own selfish tendencies and spend all of your energies in service of your spouse.
There is a peace that settles on a home when a husband and wife reach this third stage. Fights are rare, differences are calmly discussed, and each feels cared for. In a world of turmoil, the home is a quiet refuge were all are safe and valued. This is the bedrock upon which solid children are raised. When the parents are living in this peace, children will flourish.
Mastering self-surrender and true love is a practice that happens gradually and, once achieved, must be maintained. Selfishness is easy and requires no effort; true love and self-surrender require total commitment. For those who undertake the journey, the payoff is worth it.
Helping Newlyweds
Our marriage prep work with engaged couples needs serious attention. These unsuspecting couples, seeking to better understand what marriage is and how to live it best, are riddled with low quality information. We need to develop better programs to help them not only prepare for the married life, but also follow-up and help them to adjust.
Marriage, and the raising of children, is the highest good that a man or woman can experience. It is the root of our civilization, but more importantly, it is where we can find safety and fulfillment. We must work first to strengthen our own marriages, and then to help those who come behind us.
Making Time for Prayer
Over the past year, I’ve felt an increasing desire to incorporate more prayer time into my day. There’s something cathartic about quiet prayer time, and I often feel the benefit almost immediately. The challenge with finding these time blocks for increased prayer is that it cannot be rushed. Prayer, like any conversation, requires a set amount of time and there’s no rushing this process.
My bookshelf is full of books that I want to read. In fact, I have a list of books that makes up my reading queue and as of right now there are over 20 titles on that list. The same can be said for my prayer life. There are so many devotionals, so many books for spiritual readings, and so many ways to pray. These options can make a prayer habit challenging because I want to explore multiple forms of prayer each day.
There are two main challenges to daily prayer: time and cycle. Interestingly, these two challenges are the same that we face any time that we want to incorporate a good habit into our lives. Time is simple: we have X number of hours that we’re awake during the day. What are we going to give up in order to use its time for prayer? Cycle is the recognition that there will be times of great growth, and times of isolation. How will we take advantage of the growth in order to power through the spiritual winters?
This post really is nothing new. In fact, I didn’t intend for it to be new, groundbreaking material. Instead, it’s a reminder for me personally, and perhaps for you, that I need to be serious about integrating prayer into my day, and I need to be bold enough to invite my family to join me. It’s easy to intellectually grasp that daily prayer will improve my life, I just need to put it into action.
Impeach Francis
I seldom take the time to read editorials. While the premise is good, the execution scarcely follows through. They tend to be pejorative, one-sided, and offer little intellectual value to the conversation. Instead, they simply validate those who already agree with a particular viewpoint and shut out the rest. I came across what ended up being a rather amusing editorial in which the author suggested that Pope Francis should resign. Of course, should he decline such an enticing offer, the faithful should force him out of office.
Nope.
Now that we’ve clearly answered this ridiculous call, let’s take a closer look at what is actually happening, and why it’s making some of us uncomfortable.
Pope Francis comes from a nation of tremendous turmoil. Argentina is a land very different from the one we know in the United States. For nearly half of a century, it was a nation embroiled in violence and instability on a scale unimaginable to us. Out of that crucible came the man we now know as Pope Francis. Consequently, we can’t reasonably expect him to think, act, and reason as we do. In his time, he spoke out strongly in support of those issues to which the Catholic Church holds most dear, especially on human rights and life issues. His record is without question, and not even quotes ripped from the headlines can undo that witness.
We should consider, for a moment, how Pope Francis is mirroring very closely Jesus’ life. While we have the excellent stories from the Gospels, and a rich tradition, what we tend to overlook are the minute details. Jesus was a very shocking figure, challenging the comfortable and the religious and welcoming in the outcast and destitute. He challenged the religious because they let the rules become their religion, and bore little fruit. He welcomed in the outsider because they were in desperate need for attention, compassion, and love. Francis challenges those of us who consider ourselves Catholic. We’ve become so vanilla that we share the same divorce rates as our non-Catholic neighbors. We use contraception, we’re materialistic, and we’re extremely judgmental.
Francis, like a loving father, challenges us to do better, because we are better than this. We don’t like how it comes off, and many of his one-liners can be confusing, but we need to take in the totality of his life, mission, writing, and works in order to grasp this simple message he has for us: come back. His outreach to refugees, victims, and those we routinely ignore is a painful reminder of just how much room we have to grow in our faith. We need to live our faith.
Time has a way of bringing clarity, and I think that years down the road, we’ll look back on his papacy as a reminder of the importance of charity, along with faith and hope, as Benedict and John Paul brought to us. God has a way of placing what we need in our lives at just the right moment, even if it makes us uncomfortable. Pope Francis just may be what we need, right now.