The Impact of a Great Confession
Each time I move to a new place, there are two people that I need to find. The first is a great barber and the second is a great confessor. Finding these two critical people in my life is never easy.
There’s something particularly terrifying about my first encounter with a new confessor. Maybe you feel the same way. We’re both getting to know each other and I don’t know the style of the priest who’s sitting on the other side of the screen. Regardless of who he is, he stands in the place of Christ. My anxiety is almost always wrong. In fact, I’ve only had one “bad” confession in my 20 years of receiving the Sacrament. I’m treated with kindness, gentleness, and a profound sense of understanding.
That’s what happened a few weeks ago. I queued up after Mass and saw the priest enter the confessional. I thought that it was going to be a really tough sacrament, but something profound happened. It was a confession unlike any other I’ve experienced, and one that I won’t soon forget.
After confessing my sins, he asked me two questions. Are you repentant? Are you willing to do better with God’s help?
Those simple questions knocked me down and not because they’re the basic requirements for absolution. I’ve never had a priest ask me those two questions so directly. Without thinking, and without rehearsal, I gave an enthusiastic yes.
I go to Confession often, and I’m haunted by the idea that I might just be looking for a car wash, that I go just to get clean without the intention of conversion. I don’t think that any of us can have such an intimate, personal, confidential encounter with God and walk away unchanged.
Confession is the ultimate do over. It isn’t supposed to be easy and it certainly isn’t supposed to be a caning. Jesus went through an incomprehensible period of torture and humiliation: a process designed to not just break a man, but to annihilate him. How does He ask that I make it up to Him? A small act of penance and a commitment to do better.
How unfathomable is His love and mercy. How inscrutable is the mind of God that He would endure all of that and, in the face of my rejection of His love, He’d welcome me back with such a low bar: a prayer and a promise.
I shrink when I think about the power of that kind of love. How loved would Alison feel if I loved her with a single pure drop of that love? How secure would my children feel if every interaction I had with them started from that spirit of love?
There lies the true beauty of Confession. I meet Jesus in the Sacrament and come back to life. Pure love touches me personally, ready to completely transform my life, if only I let it.
On Hiatus
Four years ago, I started this project. My transition out of the workforce was on the horizon, and I wanted something to work on while Benedict was sleeping. What followed evolved into a body of work consisting of 750 individual blog posts and two full-length books. Catholic Husband has perfectly chronicled the struggles, challenges, and successes of my life over these years. These posts have followed my life as I moved through the early seasons of marriage. I’ve been a newlywed, a new dad, and now, a (more) mature father of two.
Catholic Husband has become more than just these posts. Through my tinkering with the website, I’ve learned the importance of white space, typography, and the underpinnings of what makes great design. It led me to take on web design clients and create a sustainable and profitable business. Those opportunities may not have presented themselves had I not undertaken this journey.
As with all things, there are seasons. Just as I started this project with the goal of filling my time with meaningful work and connecting with people, I now look at the next chapter of my life. A new job for Alison, a new adventure for my growing family, and new passions. I’ve decided that this is the perfect time for me to take a hiatus from Catholic Husband.
Over the past year, I’ve become keenly interested in the field of clinical healthcare ethics. This interest comes in part from my degree in philosophy and in part from hearing the daily stories that Alison brings home. I want to do more technical writing, more reading, and more research. I want to explore the meta questions in bioethics.
In the coming weeks, I’ll be launching a new blog. With the limited time that I have to devote to my clients and projects, it’s become clear that in order to be a good dad and to maintain our household, I’d have to pare down my commitments. Against this backdrop, I’ve come to the difficult conclusion that Catholic Husband will need to move to the back burner.
While I suspect that at some point down the road, I’ll find a place on my calendar for Catholic Husband, that day is not today. In the meantime, I’ll keep the site running its wealth of information available at its current home.
Thank you so much for joining me in this journey. All of the lessons that I’ve learned about myself, about marriage, about writing, and about web design will continue to influence my work.
Until we meet again.
Make 2017 A Change Year
I love this last week of the year. There’s a feeling of hope and anticipation for the New Year. We’re eager for this grand reset, and we even start believing that we can change our lives for the better.
Each year around this time I start thinking about my 2017 goals. I’m sure that you’re the same. It’s easy, and important, to focus on the usual ones. Eat better, exercise more, learn a new language, read a ton of books. I need to work on being a better me, but for 2017, I want to improve myself for others.
It’s easy to forget that my first vocation, my first job, is to be the husband that I can be. I need to improve my communication and increase my acts of service. I need to go the extra mile. I need to be spontaneous. If I give everything that I’ve got, there will be a peace and harmony in my house unlike any other.
I know that this is an area where I need improvement. It’s my goal for 2017 to reach for that ideal. I hope that you’ll join me.
Redacting In-Law
Marriage is full of misunderstanding. While in our circle of friends and in media we bemoan the lack of freedom and small annoyances of our spouses, the truth is something quite different. The reality of two people, from two different backgrounds, coming together to form something new is beautiful. Marriage is completely freeing and completely wonderful, even if it doesn’t feel like that sometimes. In-laws are also misunderstood.
Everything that your spouse is as a person can be traced to their parents and their family. They made your spouse who they are, for better or worse. An easy target for derision, they’ve taken on nicknames like “monster in-law.” Today, I’d want to propose something different. I want to break down the title and remove the barrier. Let’s redact “in-law.”
The strength of the family is built not just on the spouses or their children. The wider and deeper the family network is permitted to grow, the stronger the support system. In-law creates an “us vs. them” mentality that sows unnecessary division. As you grow deeper in your marriage, I hope that you’ll grow deeper in your relationship with your spouse’s parents and their siblings. The richness of a shared relationship will not just benefit you, but it’ll also benefit your marriage. The more harmony you can foster in a world gone mad, the healthier your family will be.
“In-law” creates another quandary when your family starts to grow. To your children, your parents and your spouse’s parents are equal. They have no baggage in their relationship. When you taken on the “in-law” terminology and all of its subtleties, you can prejudice their relationship with their grandparents. Even worse, you could sour it altogether. This goes further when the relationships between your children and your spouse’s siblings is taken into account.
It can be very difficult, and frankly a bit awkward, to forge relationships with your in-laws, but a great way to start is by changing your language. They aren’t your mother-in-law, your father-in-law, or your brother-in-law. They’re your mom, your dad, your brother, and your sister.
Language matters.
The American Family Then and Now
I’ve always been interested in American history, in particular American military history. As a son of the South, I enjoy learning about the Civil War from the Southern perspective. I’m currently working my way through “Rebel Yell,” an exhaustive 550+ page biography of Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson. Jackson was a brilliant strategist and is among the greatest generals in our nation’s history. The book’s research is mainly based off of his personal letters that he sent to various family members. The fact that the book is based on so many primary sources is what makes it such a great read. Turning the pages, I’m drawn into the period and I have a much better sense of what America was like in the 1850s. I must admit, with regret, that the American family in 1850 stands in stark contrast to the American family today.
In 1850s America, children were quite useful. Although I wouldn’t call them utilitarian, large families were able to pull together, share chores, and support one another. Illness was rampant and death was common. Scores of children became orphans in rapid succession as typhoid fever, tuberculosis, dysentery, pneumonia, and many other nasty diseases ravaged families. Surviving parents, destitute, would seek remarriage and, when that failed, children were sent to live with their relatives. Despite this constant reshuffling of the family, what’s notable is that parents seldom shirked their responsibility. They did all that they could to hold their family together, and when no longer possible, made the heartbreaking decision to send children to live with relatives. There was a real support structure in place across all branches of the family.
Stonewall Jackson lived this reality. When he was just a boy, his father died. His mother remarried, but was too poor to support her children, so she sent Stonewall and his sister to her cousins. A month later, she called them back to her as she was on her deathbed. In less than two months, these kids went from a stable family to being orphans. Just reading that unfortunate chapter of his life was difficult for me as a parent.
In the last half century, the American family has been in decline. Strong support structures have given way to nominal participation among parents and a staggering rate of fatherlessness. This decline can be attributed to the sexual revolution and a disconnect between the loving martial act of sex and the transmission of new life. By untangling the act from its natural result, we have to face a slew of consequences. The unwholesome by-product of this disentanglement is that children become an unwanted burden, responsibility is shifted onto the woman, and a lot of hurt is left behind.
It should never be assumed that there was ever an idyllic time in the life of the American family. Each generation has faced its own set of obstacles, challenges, and difficulties. The difference being that in the past, the family faced these hard times with a trusted support structure. That structure has almost disappeared from the American life. The family, much like the Musketeers, is all for one and one for all. It’s a structure of service, of giving up the wants of the individual for the good of the group. This innate sense of sacrifice is only passed on when the sexual act is properly understood. When we reclaim the true meaning and beauty of sex and its natural end, only then can we start to rebuild the determined strength of the American family.
Offense & Defense
Watch any sporting event, and you’ll quickly learn that having a strong offense or defense is seldom enough to ensure a victory. If you run up the score on offense, but let the opponent do the same thanks to your weak defense, you’ll likely lose. In the same way, you can only win by scoring points, so having a strong defense isn’t enough. I’m learning that having a balanced approach to any problem is the key to success. This is a timely resolution with new year in the air.
Sin, even venial sin, is a terrible thing. Mary was greeted by the archangel Gabriel as “fullness of grace.” Her being was so full, so complete, that sin couldn’t take root in her. This was thanks to the grace of her Immaculate Conception, which we just celebrated, when God permitted her to be His perfect vessel, free from the stain of original sin. We have been stained, and through our weakness, tend towards sin.
Advent and Lent are both penitential seasons, calling us back to grace. We just completed the Jubilee Year of Mercy. The Church offers us the Sacrament of Reconciliation. These are just three of the innumerable opportunities that we’re offered to leave our sin behind and return to the life we were made to live. When you take advantage of any of these avenues of mercy, they are just the first step. We will always be recovering sinners. The question becomes, how do we best make use of this new beginning?
I’ve found that it’s important to let the scoreboard read zero. In any game, no matter how well or how poorly a team previously performed, the score is always reset to zero. We sabotage our recovery, and even our joy, by continuing to beat ourselves up for past mistakes. Reconciliation is that great reset, and to dwell on our previous failings, or worse, use them as justification to sin again, is to be ungrateful. If God, through the ministry of the Church, has absolved you of your sins, have the courage to absolve yourself. You’re at zero, move on.
Once you’ve resolved to start fresh, you’ll need a plan that involves both offense and defense. I’d guess that we’re weaker on defense, so let’s start there. I see our daily prayer life as our defense. Properly executed, it’s a constant rhythm that builds our immunity to sin, strengthens our love, and fills our selves with grace. The fuller we are, the less room there is for sin. What does a solid prayer life look like? To me, it’s not so much the components as it is the integration into your schedule. A good prayer life has you praying in a formal setting in the morning, during the daytime, and in the evening. Along with these formal settings, in which you may pray the rosary, a series of devotionals, or even listen to praise music (Benedict’s favorite), there should be trigger events. These triggers are mental reminders that you set for yourself to offer a brief prayer in your own words. It may be offering your day up in the first moments of your morning, praying for some intention while cleaning or doing something particularly unpleasant. By combining the scheduled prayer along with prayer during certain events, the day now has a rhythm that’s set by you raising your mind to God. Good defense isn’t built in a day or a season. Instead, it’s developed and refined over time.
While defense may be the most challenging to develop, offense requires the most courage. If defense is your prayer life, offense is your decision making. It requires that your conscience be properly formed and prepared to make correct decisions. Offense is also having the courage to do as we promise in the Act of Contrition, to sin no more and to avoid whatever leads us to sin. It’s a tall order, but one that is very possible if we put in the work. In order to be truly successful in the spiritual life, and to conquer sin, you have to have the courage to cut out anything in your life that’s leading you to sin. You may even find that which is tempting you is completely benign, but is at the same time threatening your joy. After all, we were made to live a life of true happiness, and sin disrupts that intention.
A good offense and defense are necessary to make lasting change in your spiritual life. It can be sobering to reflect on just how long (often years) you’ve struggled with a particular sin. Instead of giving into despair or complacency, use it as the motivation behind your campaign of change. Work to cultivate your prayer life and watch it bear fruit. Excise those things in your life that inevitably lead you to sin. Persevere long enough, and you’ll find that sense of peace and joy that’s eluded you this entire time.
If you’re feeling stuck when it comes to your prayer life, perhaps I can help. Grant Us Peace is a blueprint for spiritual fitness, and it’ll get you going in the right direction. It’s 21 days of reflections and a short action step designed to get your prayer life moving. With the New Year around the corner, now’s the perfect time to pick up your copy. As a bonus, you get the sense of pride in knowing that you’re supporting the Catholic Husband blog!
Perfect is the Enemy of Good
As 2016 comes to a close, we’re on the cusp of the New Year Resolutions bonanza. Each year I share my thoughts on the idea of resolutions, and my goals for the upcoming year, and now as I write this article, I get that same pensive feeling. The year never turns out how I expect, and each December hope blossoms eternal. This has been a year of great change for me with the arrival of Felicity. Reflecting on my challenges and successes this year, and contemplating the adventures that are to come next year, this idea of “perfect is the enemy of good” weighs on my thoughts.
We are integrated people, with many domains in our lives. We have the domains of faith, family, health, finances, and career, among others, that come together to make up who we are as people. These domains are connected in an intricate way so that if one area suffers, many areas suffer. I’ve struggled, in particular, with my time management over the past six months, and I’ve felt how it impacted my entire day. I want to do things well, and I want them to go according to schedule, but that’s just not a realistic expectation.
Perfect is the enemy of good applies to more than just our work or our fitness program. I’m aware of how it applies to my faith life and sin. A routine of prayer is essential in the Christian life for those who truly want to imitate Christ. Just like exercise routines, it’s so easy to set out on a grand adventure of contemplation and sacrifice only to fail before the day has even begun. If we miss that first scheduled prayer time of the day, we agree that it’s best to wait for tomorrow to do it perfectly, and a month later, we still haven’t started. Tomorrow seems to be the perfect day to start anything.
I was once told that it’s never too late to do the right thing. It’s better to do something rather than nothing at all. Tomorrow may seem like the perfect day to start something, but right now actually is the perfect time to start something. What we need is momentum, and as soon as the ball gets rolling, it’s easier for it to keep rolling than to stop. There’s no perfect schedule, perfect ingredient, or magic solution to living the life that you want to live. There is only doing.
I’m working on setting my goals for the upcoming year and gathering the tools that I need in order to be successful. Instead of making resolutions for 2017, I’m going to spend more time doing and less time figuring out the perfect way. Perfection is a lie. True beauty is overcoming all obstacles and continuing to press forward.
The List
With just a few weeks until Christmas, I’m sure that your shopping is in full swing. For many of us, the hustle and bustle can be disheartening. In this season of Advent, we wait with joyful hope, but most of our focus is on other things.
A few years ago, Alison started putting together a Christmas list full of prompts and ideas to help us think about gifts outside of our wheelhouse. I’d always default to some technology and I found it to be a great help in discerning what my material wants and needs really are. I’d like to share the list with you so that you can benefit.
After you finish your list, I want to invite you to make a spiritual inventory. What are the gifts that you wish to receive so that you might better serve those people in your life? In what ways do you want to grow in the coming year?
Gift giving is a beautiful practice, and one that taps into the all important virtue of gratitude. Give gifts from your heart and prepare yourself to receive the greatest gift on Christmas morning.
Count Your Blessings
Greetings from the Jersey Shore! My family has gathered once again this week from five different states to celebrate Thanksgiving together with our growing families. There are kids running all over the house and plenty of warm feelings going around. The holiday season is in full swing and I’m enjoying some rest after another busy year.
I’ve looked forward to this vacation all year because there’s something magical about our family beach trip. I’m thoroughly enjoying this experience of gathering with my adult siblings and their spouses and children, and getting to hang out. I’m especially soaking up this year’s experience because I know it’ll be harder to come by when we move West next summer.
Many families, regrettably, have been torn apart over the years, leaving Thanksgiving as a stark reminder of the wounds that they bear. As your family gathers around the table tonight, be brave enough to lay down your hurts and animosity and be willing to start with a clean slate. Life is too short to be given over to anger and resentment.
Last Thanksgiving, I shared with you how [gratitude is at the heart of the Christian life]. (BLOG 589 LINK) In preparing to share this message with you, I re-read it. Sadly, our World hasn’t improved much since last year. I am, however, still inspired by the beauty of gratitude. I’m humbled by the sacrifices of so many who built and defended this country so that my family could have the freedom to follow our dreams. While it can be hard to see, we have so much to be thankful.
From my family to yours, we wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.
Returning to Divine Freedom
The faith of the martyrs has always been an inspiration to me. Throughout history, men and women of all ages and states in life have laid down their lives in defense of the Church and Truth. Their executions have seldom been merciful. Rather, their deaths were calculated to inflict the greatest pain, humiliation, and terror. Miraculously, the opposite has happened. These gruesome executions occur even to this day around the World.
My love of 20th century spy craft led me to pick up the book Church of Spies this summer. It’s a historical account of the subversion of the Third Reich by Pope Pius XII and the German underground. There were several groups operating in German territory seeking the overthrow of Adolf Hitler. The most audacious of them all was actually led by faithful Catholics. The July 20th plot, among others, was organized by this Catholic underground. Pope Pius XII lend his support to their effort. He pledged to help the post-Hitler German government negotiate a just peace treaty. The Catholic Resistance wanted so much more than a government sans-Hitler. They wanted to create a just society and pan-European peace. Many of their ideas, and survivors, helped to forge the European Union. Their hope was that by tying the economies of Europe closely together, they could prevent war.
The resistance had an impressive roster. Their members included the senior leadership of army intelligence and religious houses within Germany. These brave souls risked their lives, and those of their families, to show the world that a “Decent Germany” existed. Many paid the ultimate price in the closing days of the war. Their executioners faced justice at Nuremberg for their war crimes. I found that even reading the descriptions of their deaths was revolting.
One of those plotters who was executed in 1945 was a Jesuit priest named Fr. Alfred Delp. Fr. Delp lent considerable aid to the resistance. He mentored the members as they sought to forge a new government. I came across one of his letters in the October edition of Magnificat. I thought it was so apt for the time that we are living in.
Fr. Delp wrote that we are “incapable of living fully because we have not found divine freedom.” He Catholics to put their faith and the Gospel into action, and only then could they be free.
Pope Francis reminds us of this calling, but I think it’s important to go a step further. We’ve started to place more faith in politicans and government than in God’s Providence. Presidential candidates serve as our new saviors. Despite this grave error, God wants us back. As Fr. Delp wrote, He is always waiting for us, knocking on the door, and finding creative ways to call us back to true freedom.
There is Truth, God exists, and evil is all too real. Push back the darkness with the light of Christ that you carry within you, stand up for what is right, and answer that knock on the door.
“Where divine freedom is concerned, there is no question of bargaining, of exchanging one set of chains for another as in the case in human affairs. With God the only way to complete freemen is complete surrender.”