Set the Bar Low
I’m not one to advocate for low bars. I’ve been told that I am particularly hard on people, which, upon reflection, is regrettably true. Setting ambitious expectations can be a net positive, but when it comes to my job, it can be demoralizing.
I don’t thrive on a variable schedule, and so the shifting sands of sleep and nap schedules really throws me off of my game. With all of the things that I want to do, in addition to taking care of my kids, I get frustrated when I don’t see forward progress.
I used to try to cram as much as I could into my schedule, but I realized that was a mistake. With each additional child, and every growth leap that they experience, the time that I have to accomplish what I want to work on is further squeezed. My solution is to set the bar low.
I now just have one thing that I want to work on, and I never make it longer than 30 minutes. If it’s a bigger project, I break it into 30 minute pieces.
By setting the bar low, I can still feel that forward progress and I know that I’m not neglecting my more important priorities.
Quitting Social Media
I remember a time, a decade ago, when the Internet was fun. It was an open, collaborative place where you could find interesting articles and links, follow your friends, find a few laughs, and get a real sense of connection. It’s amazing what the passage of time can do, even a relatively short passage of time. Today, the Internet has become four or five main websites. Those sites are essentially ads, spyware, spam, and garbage.
Late in March, partially due to the unmasking of Facebook, partially due to my declining usage, and mostly because I now have an alternative, I closed my Facebook, Instagram, & Twitter accounts. In the coming days, those profiles will return to dust, the content no longer accessible.
Foolish? Maybe. I fully recognize what I’m giving up. Facebook, in particular, has branched out from a simple way to connect to your friends to a juggernaut of offerings. Groups, messages, businesses, it does it all. But, at what great cost? Will they be able to continue on this scale for another decade? History tells us no. They’re too big to succeed.
If you look at your timeline or newsfeed, and compare it to the personal and interesting updates that used to fill those spaces, you may become despondent. Facebook has become a ghost town for personal updates and a boomtown for multi-level marketing and advertisements.
There’s something very powerful about the concept of a social network. Connecting people across the street, across town, and across the world. Growing up as a military kid, I lost well beyond 99.9% of the friendships every time that we moved. A social network can prevent that loss. The problem comes when these networks have revenue targets to hit and shareholders to please.
I have my alternative. I’ve set up a blog on my own domain name, fully backed up on my computer, and completely portable. If my current host goes out of business, I’ll simply move my content somewhere else. You could do the same with a simple WordPress site. I read news and interesting blogs via an RSS reader, a simple open Internet technology that pulls all of the content into an app. I’m the curator of my own news, pulling in from my favorite sources and companies. I’ve also begun a return to email, sending personal messages to friends and family, at a rate of one per day.
There’s a better Internet out here.
Gardener
We’re lucky in the summer to have several large oak trees around our house. They give us glorious shade and a respite from the intense afternoon sun. This was our first Fall in this house, and I didn’t realize just how many acorns these giants drop. I now have a sizable oak grove in my front yard.
Getting my lawn back in order for spring was no small task. There were sticks to pick up, leaves to rake, weeds to pull, flowers to plant, and mulch to put down. Thankfully my mom was in town and we spent over five hours just bringing everything back into shape.
Our garden was particularly messy. Amongst the weeds that had cropped up were vulnerable seedlings that had been replanted by the various bushes and perennials in the garden bed. My mom worked meticulously to pull out the weeds and care for the seedlings.
The other day I was sitting in the playroom with my children and I looked out at the beauty and order we had restored, and realized that I was charged with the same thing as a parent. The characteristics that make an excellent gardener are the same ones that make a great parent.
Each day we have to help our children grow and keep them safe. We have to diligently watch them, prepare their meals, and help them to explore their world. All along the way, we have to pull out the weeds of bad habits and encourage good ones. We must be patient throughout the growing process, because it is a long one.
Gardeners have varying degrees of skill, experience, training, and background. Even a new gardener can grow a beautiful garden if they give it enough attention and care. The same is true for parents. Whether you have one child or ten, with patience, care, and attention, you can be successful.
Controlling Kids in Church
Taking kids to Church is hard. There’s getting everyone fed, cleaned, dressed, and out the door on time. Then, of course, there’s the issue of noise. Kids aren’t very self-aware, and if yours are like mine, they enjoy the echo of their own voice in Church.
Parents need to do their part to keep their kids under control at Mass. Having a bag of quiet toys, sitting near the front, and intervening in sibling disputes before they get out of hand are great ways to be proactive. There are even times when a child needs to be taken to the narthex for a few minutes to calm down or stretch their legs.
To be sure, there is a problem with children making noise while in Church, but it has little to do with the children themselves. The actual problem is how we respond.
The way I see it, the sounds of children at Mass is the voice of a young and growing Church. My daughter, Felicity, loves to call out to Fr. Gus. She’ll stand up on the pew and say, “Hi Gus!” repeatedly until he greets her back. It’s actually rather cute and we make sure that she has a chance to say hello before the Mass begins. But, if during Mass, she loudly asks me, “Where’s Gus?” I don’t shush her. I get her to where she can see him, and then all is well.
Felicity also has a tendency to sing loudly, but only after the song has ended. How wrong did it feel for me to tell her to quiet down as she loudly proclaimed, “Alleluia?” Very. So I let her go for a moment or two, and when she didn’t stop, we went to the back.
Occasionally I’ll take Benedict and Felicity to daily Mass. We sit in the front pew, but that’s not always a foolproof plan. I can feel the cold sweat building up as they make noise and the lector is quickly drowned out. But I know, this is where they need to be. I do my best, and that is enough.
If we keep our kids away from Church when they’re young, how can we expect to tell them that it’s important when they’re older? Parents, do your best, and recognize that there’s a limit. Parishioners, give the kids (and their parents!) a smile and a wave, and be joyful that the Church will continue for many decades to come. Who knows, you may be creating a welcoming environment for the priest who will baptize your first great-grandchild.
Momentum
A 10-day stay in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) will drain you. Lucy’s stay was a bit unexpected, and very frustrating. I think any parent of a newborn shares these emotions.
I tried to be at her bedside as much as I could. That meant leaving my other two kids at home with their grandmother and existing at the crossroads of boredom and exhaustion.
Now that Lucy is finally home, I have another big transition to make. Momentum plays an outsized role in routine. The more momentum you can have on your side when you’re doing the things that lead to health and satisfaction, the better off you are. My first day waking up at 5:00am to hit the gym is brutal. Day 14 in a row is much easier to handle.
Whether its a relationship, a career, a chore, or a habit, the hardest choice we have to make is whether or not to get back on the horse. When you bravely choose to get on, expect challenges. Expect resistance. You should also expect positive results.
Data Driven
I’m a guy who likes data. I like to see numbers, charts, and graphs. I can understand them and make decisions based off of them. It’s just the way that I am.
Data can be an awesome asset, but it can also be a distraction. When I dive deep into the numbers, I lose sight of my goal. If my goal is to lose 30 pounds (which it is), then knowing my weight loss rate per week is helpful. It can give me a sense of how long it may take me to get to my goal, but it can also distract me from actually doing the work.
My daughter, Lucy, is in the hospital right now. She was born last week, and has had some difficulty transitioning to her new life. She’s making good progress, but her monitoring regime is giving us lots of data points. When all is going well, it feels good. But when she struggles, and her machines alarm, it becomes stressful. It’s easy for me to just stare at the monitor and get tunnel vision as the beeps sound and lights flash. In those moments, I can forget about the amazing progress that she’s made over the past few days, and her overall progress. This is when data becomes the enemy. When I take it in stride, I can see discharge just around the corner.
Data is a wonderful thing, but it can only do so much. All things ebb and flow, and if you become too fixated on the moment, you lose situational awareness. Look at the data in the moment, compare it to the trend, but no matter what, keep after it.
Do it today. And then go out and do it again tomorrow.
A Successful Day
Defining success is elusive. In fact, it’s one of the more personal determinations that we make. We’ve had some great examples of success with the recent Winter Olympic games. It’s easy to conclude that the gold medal is the only one worth having, but how good must bronze feel after a decade of sacrifice, training, and hard work?
One of the areas in which I struggle is achieving my idea of a successful day. I have a laundry list of repeating to-dos that include running the dishwasher, picking up toys, and making my bed. These are the simple tasks that must be done daily. Some days even the basics seem overwhelming. Of course, on top of those basic tasks are errands and special projects.
It’s easy for me to give up on the day when I get off to a rough start. Sometimes I peter out around lunch time when that midday lull temps me with a nap. Even harder is confronting the reality that most days are ordinary and each one feels very similar to the day before. There’s monotony that’s inherent in routine, but there’s also something deeper.
Today may feel a lot like yesterday, but it’s truly a whole new day. It’s ready to be crafted and formed; molded into the things that I need to accomplish. Each day presents me with a clean slate to do what it is that I need to do.
Keeping the house in order, feeding my family, watching over the kids, and helping them to explore their world are the things that I need to do every day. During nap time, I’ve committed to taking on projects like Catholic Husband. Writing is a chance for me to process and to grow personally. It’s only when I do the basics that I’m free to tackle the extracurricular.
The responsibility of raising children and caring for them daily is both wonderful and, at many times, unexciting. Grouchy attitudes quickly wear me down. In the moment, the importance of my role can be hard to recognize. It’s my hope that by persevering through these seemingly insignificant days, my children grow up confident from a childhood rooted in love.
21 Years
I just celebrated the 21st anniversary of my First Reconciliation.
Confession is the gym of Catholic Sacraments. We rarely go, too sheepish to confront the reality of who we are. It’s difficult, embarrassing, and humbling. Of course, there’s the problem of a lack of confession times. When we do muster up the courage to go, we wait for 45 minutes at the back of an endless line of little old ladies who apparently just finished up a serious crime spree.
It’s easy to get lost in the mechanics surrounding Confession. The inconvenience, poor scheduling, and the natural resistance to verbally admit our own shortcomings all adds up to many of us going years between the Sacrament.
There is, however, something very human about the process of the sacrament. Summoning the courage to name your sins is cathartic. We can go into the Confessional without any pretense. The absolute seal of privacy gives us the ability to speak freely. You can expose your weaknesses in the hope of overcoming them. The priest, hopefully, will share not just a word of encouragement, but a thought that will propel you into your new, sinless future. When you consider all of those factors, it becomes clear that Confession is one of our most powerful tools in the spiritual life.
As I reflect on my personal growth over the past 21 years, I realize that there is no way that I would be part of the Catholic community without this vital Sacrament. The Eucharist is central to the Catholic experience. Reconciliation is critical to helping us prepare to receive Jesus in that awesome sacrament.
We’re required to go to Reconciliation once a year, usually during Lent. Do more than the minimum this year.
Resilience
As a parent, I have a ton of things that I want to teach my children. I want to give them the skills and values that I believe will help them grow into healthy, well adjusted members of society. Resilience is one of those skills.
I grew up in a military family, so this was one of the skills that my parents gave to me. Those difficult cross-country moves as a child, and forging new ties in new cities, have made me adept at handling new situations on the fly. The nature of life is change, and being able to handle those changes nimbly without becoming paralyzed by fear is a great life skill to have in your toolset.
There is, however, one area where my resilience is lacking. I’m slavish when it comes to productivity. I have a rough sketch of my day and want things to go exactly according to plan. When I mess up my plan in some small way, I get knocked completely off-track.
I’m a morning person. My goal is to get up at 5am, and be done working out and showering before the kids are up at 7:30am. Most days I’m successful, and a few others, I’m not.
The frustrating thing is that I automatically declare the day a failure if I sleep in until 6:30am or 7:00am. Sure, it’s harder for me to get my workouts in if I miss my designated workout time, but how can the day be a failure when it has only just begun?
Being flexible enough to reorganize my schedule on the fly is something that I need to work on. Oversleeping isn’t great, but it can be managed by rearranging my schedule. I can workout with my kids by going for a walk, or sneaking off to the gym once they’re tucked into bed.
The same can be said about the spiritual life. How many times have you resolved to quit a particular sin, only to fall back into it? Any failure can be managed, and its an opportunity to grow in humility. Instead of continuing to give in to sin simply because the flood walls have been breached, start anew.
Resilience is a crucial life skill to have. Master the art first, and then give it as a gift to your children.
I Choose Superhero
Our cities and neighborhoods produce the finest political thinkers, artists, innovators, and pioneers on the planet. Our forefathers pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps and overcame every obstacle. We have fought for freedom, moved beyond adversity, and created the greatest geopolitical force for good in the history of the world.
So why are we all clamoring to be victims? Why do we seek out sympathy and pity? Why is the first thing we give an excuse and the last thing that we give is a complement?
Being the victim is the easiest thing in the world. It explains all of our faults, vice, and laziness.
I’d rather be a superhero. I want to be a success despite my challenges, not because of them. I want to blast through every obstacle leaving nothing behind me. I have to show up every single day.
Winning is reserved for those who persevere. Do the work.