Eight
It’s been a very fast eight years since Alison and I met at the altar and committed ourselves to one another. Each year on this blog, I like to take the opportunity to reflect. As I sat down to write this year’s post, I realized that I have little new to offer.
We may not be the same people that we were on the first day of the rest of our lives, but our commitment is the same. The values that we share, the home that we’ve built, it’s the same.
The lessons that I’ve learned, re-learned, and written about in this space are the same. I need to continue to love and to serve, to put myself last, and to always defer to the needs of my wife and family.
We have four children now, four wholly new creations only made possible but the love that’s shared in our marriage, but at our core, it’s still Alison and I.
We’re reaching the mid-stage of our relationship. The early days are now behind us as our relationship continues to mature. We will face new challenges as we transition and adapt. The struggle of marriage continues, but we approach these changes with a more solid footing.
We have many years ahead of us. We have many years ahead of us. May we continue to grow deeper in love on the journey.
Answered Prayers
In the months leading up to my daughter’s birth, I was anxious. Both of her sisters took nearly two weeks to make it home from the hospital. The emotional drain of maintaining two households, even for just that short period of time, weighed heavily on me. 2020 is a year unlike any other. The last thing that I wanted was a two week hospital stay in the middle of the pandemic. So I took it up in prayer.
I developed a very specific intention, outlining precisely what it is that I wanted: a safe delivery, admission to the well baby floor, and a quick discharge. For 54 days, I prayed a rosary every day for that intention. I offered Masses and prayers throughout my day. It was my single focus.
As the delivery drew closer and my novena wound down, I felt the need to humble myself. It was my deepest desire for my family to be together and home recovering quickly, but not if she truly needed help. I reminded myself, and prayed, for God’s Will to be done, not my own.
Waiting in the hospital, I felt myself losing control. I was minutes away from seeing whether or not my prayer would be answered. As I felt myself spiral, I brought myself back to prayer. It was the moment of truth.
Veronica arrived, and immediately was doing better than her sisters. She still needed help. I prayed more. They took her over to intensive care on a six hour observation clock. If she improved, she could avoid admission. If she didn’t turn the corner, it was another long admission.
They got Veronica all set up in her room. I turned off the lights, pulled the shades, and turned on some soft music. I sat down by her bed and held her hand. There, in her first hour of life, we prayed the rosary aloud together.
As it happened, the hospital was so busy that they had no room for Alison, so they brought her over to us. It’s not protocol, and typically isn’t allowed, but it happened. It was then that God showed us His power.
Hour by hour, she grew stronger. By the sixth hour, she was cleared to go to the well baby floor. Two days later, we were all heading home.
Throughout this process, I struggled with doubt, with anxiety, and with disbelief. What is trusting God, what is testing Him? These are very human experiences with prayer. God knows our hearts, He can read us better than we even know ourselves.
I didn’t pray the 54 day novena perfectly, but I did pray it faithfully. God is waiting to show us His power, if only we’ll give Him enough room to work.
Together
It’s amazing what spouses can do when they work together. Alison and I are fast approaching our eight year anniversary. While we’re still in early innings, it’s terribly sad how many marriages never make it to this point.
It’s been a busy eight years. We’ve welcomed home our fourth child into our third home. We’ve fought through illnesses, hospitalizations, job changes, certification exams, parenting, travel, and so much more. With each obstacle, with each challenge, we’ve faced it together. It’s our family, our home, our money, our budget, our everything. There’s never a question; it’s us.
We’ve also managed to hit goals that we set for ourselves a full decade ago. Keeping focus, inspiration, and determination over that period of time is no easy task; it is easier when you do it together.
Therein lies the true beauty of marriage. Not perfection, perseverance. Not selfishness, unity. Not emotion, total surrender. Together we can, and we will, do anything.
Start
I have a subscription to Magnificat that I’ve had for over a year now. It’s a wonderful prayer companion, filled each month with fresh perspectives, profiles, and articles. Central to each day’s prayer routine is morning prayer, evening prayer, the readings from Mass, and a short reflection.
The thing that I like most about Magnificat is that it’s all put together for me. One simple book, delightful design, and new content, delivered to my mailbox every month. I don’t have to do any planning other than deciding at what time I’m going to pray.
For the first several months, I moved through it with ease. I would do Morning Prayer and the readings from Mass before the kids were up, and Evening Prayer right before bed. We changed our clocks, Spring arrived, and suddenly I ran out of time to complete my full morning prayer time.
I grew discouraged. Each day felt like I was accomplishing less and less of my daily prayer plan. It’s a story that’s a common refrain on this blog over the past seven years.
I don’t know what it is about human nature that craves perfection. It’s an all-or-nothing mindset that demands that we do things absolutely perfect or not even try at all. It assumes that spending only half of the planned period of time in prayer is worse than spending no time in prayer. There’s also that tendency to skip an entire day or week if I mess up even one small part of my plan, in vain hope of a “fresh start” at some point later.
I don’t need a fresh start tomorrow or next week or next month. I need a fresh start right now. I need prayer to bring calm, peace, balance, and rest into my life right now, today.
Plans are wonderful things and they can be a marker to move us in the right direction. Deviation from them, especially in the realm of prayer, isn’t a failure; it’s life. God doesn’t expect me, or my prayer, to be perfect. That’s why He gives me grace and the Sacraments. What He does expect, what He yearns for, is a few minutes of my day when I set everything down, place my whole self in His presence, and we share an intimate connection.
Focus
The opportunity to gain clarity in your life is rare. The busyness of the world and daily distractions easily get us to lose focus on our objectives. We’ve got too much going on in the present to be concerned about tomorrow, the broader future, or even what’s just on our periphery.
My family is growing in the next few weeks with the birth of my fourth child. One of my favorite parenting techniques for helping my kids prepare for the birth, and the dramatic changes to come, is to pull out baby gear in phases. I start with the car seats. First, everyone gets their new seat assignment. A week or two later, the new car seat base is installed. More time passes, and the empty seat is fully installed. It gives them a chance to adjust and takes the edge off when the new baby is finally here.
One of the benefits of impending birth is the gift of focus. I know that my whole routine is going to be upended, so I make a detailed study of what’s working now and what isn’t. I’m looking out for blind spots and pitfalls. With that information, I process what changes will be necessary. It also gets me to think about my future. Insurance coverages are reviewed, plans are checked, and other important things come to mind that I haven’t considered in months, or even years.
Another opportunity for clarity came with the pandemic. I went to Confession the weekend before everything shut down. In those six or eight weeks when the parish doors were shut and locked, and I knew that the Sacraments weren’t available to me, I thought differently about my actions. I readily acknowledged the grace present within me, and labored to grow in virtue. It worked. I was engaged, consistent, and committed to my personal spiritual growth. When the doors re-opened, I lost some of my spark. It’s not a loss, though. That focus proved something to me: I can do it. All I need to do is re-implement the plan.
Focus is breathing room. It’s the space that we need to process the events of our lives and chart a path forward. While some major events naturally tend to lend focus, giving yourself a momentary pause to catch your breath and evaluate your life might be all that you need to course correct and get moving in the right direction.
A Few Extra Minutes
Taking care of children is no easy task. Apart from the heavy lifting of moral and character education are the daily mundane tasks. These are the repeating things that I do every day without a thought, like getting dressed, taking a shower, or brushing my teeth. When I do them for myself, it requires almost no effort, but doing them for all three of my children is a heavy lift.
I have a bias towards my children. I can get my kids up and dressed every day. I can get their little teeth brushed, and even help them pick up their rooms. The problem comes when it’s my turn. The care of my children is too often to my own detriment. They’re dressed nicely for the day, but I look like a slob. Their teeth are brushed, but mine, well, I’ll get to it later.
Part of the equation is energy and part of it is time. If I’m short on time, it’s easy to skip shaving or picking out an outfit for myself. It gets me on to the next thing that I need to do.
After letting this process play out over several months, I’ve come to a conclusion. Taking care of myself does take a few extra minutes and a little more effort. That investment of time and effort makes a big difference in my day. By slowing down and enjoying those moments getting ready for the day, I subtly acknowledge my own importance. I acknowledge that I deserve to be taken care of, too. Plus, doing the math, skipping these things saves me five or ten minutes, tops.
The way that we treat our bodies plays a big role in the way that we see ourselves. Even in the rush of morning, make sure that you have the time you need to get yourself a nice shower, fresh shave, and a comfortable outfit that makes you feel great. Then you’ll be ready to take on the world (and your kids).
Our Responsibility
Once or twice a month, I’ll take an hour or so on a Saturday afternoon to go to Confession. Occasionally, I’ll throw in an additional errand or two that is better done without the kids. For many of these outings, I’d spend my entire time away from home feeling guilty. I’d feel guilty about leaving my wife, who worked hard all week, alone to watch the kids. I was wrong to feel that way.
Taking care of our children isn’t my responsibility and it’s not Alison’s responsibility. It’s our responsibility. As a stay-at-home dad, I’m on watch while Alison is at work. When I’m away from home, it’s Alison’s watch. I shouldn’t feel guilty about Alison taking on a responsibility that we share together.
I told Alison how I felt, and she rightly noted that it was silly. In fact, she loves spending time with the children. I do too, but by the end of the week, a break is a welcome relief. I should take that hour or 90 minutes on the weekend to feel relaxed and at ease.
Parenting is something that couples do together. It’s not your spouse’s responsibility or your responsibility, it’s our responsibility. Get the job done, together, and don’t begrudge your spouse when they need some time off.
Daily Preventative Medicine
Virtue is the antidote to sin. It’s not enough to avoid sin, whether by white-knuckling it or avoiding triggers. The only way to truly avoid sin is to live a virtuous life. The best way to live a virtuous life is to build prayer into your day.
Prayer functions like a daily preventative medicine. It builds up charity and virtue. It makes it harder for temptation to sway you and it keeps you from ending up in places that lead you to sin.
Teachers and pastors in the Catholic Church spent plenty of time talking about sin. Do we spend enough time talking about virtue? Prayer isn’t just a few minutes here and there of rote recitation. It’s rest. It’s time apart from the cares, concerns and worries of your life. It’s communication. It’s intimate connection between created and Creator. It’s rehabilitation. It’s acceptance and absorption of grace, restoring the soul to a state of grace.
If you want to beat sin, if you want to overcome temptation, focus on prayer. A consistent habit of prayer, of different means and expressions, sprinkled throughout your day is how your gear up for daily battle. Perfection is not possible; virtue is. The path to virtue is through prayer.
Opening the Domestic Church
The center of the daily life of the Church is the Eucharist, but it’s not the whole life. Most of us have been unable to physically access the Mass for the past several months, leading to great sorrow. In the midst of this suffering, we’ve experienced the beauty of opening the domestic church.
The domestic church is an idea codified during the Second Vatican Council. It’s not a physical structure; it’s the place where the family lives and serves one another. It’s the atmosphere in which faith is taught, where we first learn about God, and we each seek to do His will.
Home is our family’s refuge from the world. It’s a place of safety and peace. It’s the place where we work, play, pray, create, learn, and rest. A child’s home is their first school. It’s the place where they learn virtue, morality, and about their faith.
The doors to our parishes may be closed and locked, but a new Church has been opened in every home. Never before has there been such a profound opportunity to live out this idea. Our circumstances encourage us to pursue an active faith life at home. It’s easy for us to lean heavily on our parishes to provide not only the sacraments, but religious instruction, community gatherings, and devotionals. While quarantined at home, we are confronted with the reality that the parish is meant to support the faith life that we cultivate in our home.
Now’s the time to continue your good work. Continue to find new ways to pray together as a family. As your family’s faith life matures, find new devotionals and practices to incorporate into your week. Be confident in your ability to teach your children about God, faith, and morality. Parents are the primary educators of their children. Be bold enough to take personal responsibility for that role!
Now that Churches are re-opening, don’t let your domestic church close!