Praying As A Parent
For nearly three years, I’ve done most of my shopping via pickup. From time to time, though, I need to go into the store to make a return. Doing that with four kids plus the item to be returned is no easy task. One night last week, with the kids in their pajamas and ready for bed, I left the house to run some errands.
I had six stops to make, and within 90 minutes, I was at home on the couch watching television with Alison and Veronica. I moved with precision and efficiency from store to store. Having four kids in the back while we pick up orders from multiple stores is no big deal. When making returns, it’s easier for me to go it alone.
My life is like that for many tasks. I can move quicker without little hands following behind me. I can sort laundry in half the time and only have to fold it once. I can get the dishes put away without a single dropped glass or bumped knee. While it may be easier or faster for me to work alone, I shouldn’t.
It used to be that the kids wouldn’t be ready to come down from their rooms in the morning until 8:00am. These days, they’re ready to go at 6:30am. Those 90 minutes that I used to be spent in prayer or reading the news are now theirs. Why should I give up my prayer time?
My primary prayer is the monthly edition of Maginificat. The work is all planned out for me, all I need to do is find the time to sit down, open the book, and be still. While I love the solitude of morning prayer, praying with children is joyful and satisfying, too.
The wonderful thing about children is that their minds are alert when they’re at play. If they’re moving around, they’re listening and learning. Here’s my new plan: wake up, go for my walk, and get ready for my day. Then, with the littles rolling around on the carpet in the playroom, I’ll brew my coffee, sit down on the couch, and pray out loud. It won’t be as peaceful, but it will be as beautiful.
Parenting, like gardening, isn’t about efficiency. It’s about patience. The daily work of pruning ensures that my little saplings have all the nurturing and attention that they need. Nothing nurtures a child’s heart like being taught how to pray.
What Did We Learn?
America’s political class went into Election Day with a very specific idea of how things were going to go. As the returns came in that evening, a clear picture emerged. Americans are much more moderate and level-headed than our social media feeds and the legacy media would have us believe.
America is a vibrant, moderate nation. Democracy is constantly challenged; it’s the nature of the process. New ideas emerge, and those ideas must compete for support. An unexpected result isn’t the sign of a broken system, but a reminder that the system works. We chose divided government, a government that will necessarily filter out the extremes.
It’s sad to see how much a national election cycle weighs on many Americans. The government wields significant power, but that power is frequently checked. A single candidate can’t fix your life or ruin it. The biggest personal impact you have on our nation is the way that you live your life and raise your children.
Cynical as it is, the legacy media and technology companies need your attention and your money to maintain their position of power and influence. If you don’t watch their programs, click their articles, or follow their feeds, advertisers won’t pay them to keep doing their work. They are masters at manipulating human emotion, especially fear, to keep you turned in to their specific message. Their masks are off. The media are not impartial arbiters of truth; they’re very well funded political operatives.
I’m sure you’ve heard all of this before, probably even recently. It’s not a conspiracy theory, it’s a felicitous reminder. Don’t place your hope in the next political movement or media figure. Place your hope in the God who can and will save you, who will fix your life, who will pull you out of the doldrums and who will give your life purpose.
Live Today
Jesus told us to not worry about tomorrow, that it would take care of itself. I wrote a few weeks ago about how it’s time for us to move past the paralysis of COVID. The trap of living in the past or future is that it steals our today.
There’s nothing wrong about recalling the past to learn its lessons or relish its memories. Planning for the future is a wise thing to do. If you don’t know where you’re going, how can you adjust your trajectory? The problem is when you obsess over either.
Each day is a gift, one of only a few thousand that we will get to experience. If I waste today, it’s easier to waste tomorrow. If I don’t stop to enjoy the beauty and graces around me, I waste the energy that God put into creating them. My children are only young for so long. I have such a small window to enjoy their sweetness.
Yesterday is gone and tomorrow will be here in its time. How will I choose to accept the gift that is today?
Off the Reservation
This blog has defended Pope Francis. He told us to go out into the Church and the world to make a mess. His pontificate has certainly achieved that objective. The Vatican’s moral abdication on China is disconcerting. Over a million ethic Uyghurs arbitrarily detained in concentration camps, and the Vatican said nothing. The Chinese Communist Party’s insistence on Sinicization of religion and even the accord allowing the CCP to co-appoint bishops adds to the concern. In addition to issues on the world stage, Pope Francis has regularly minimized the primary troubles of our day to include marriage, family life, and abortion.
To be fair, Pope Pius XII was publicly silent during the atrocities of World War II while privately coordinating resistance to the regime. It is at least possible that Francis has chosen to follow in this mold.
Pope Francis is right to highlight other issues of our faith, such as the plight of migrants. His emphasis on the theological virtue of charity is evident and a timely reminder.
The problem with highlighting these new areas is that they are of lesser moral weight than the core teachings of the Church. Further, his confusing and nuanced statements sow confusion, even among the well catechized faithful. How do we reconcile the Catholic intellectual tradition with off the cuff remarks that so clearly contradict 2,000 years of established teaching from the most brilliant minds in the Church?
It’s clear that these aren’t little slips of the tongue, loose words, or errors. When Pope Francis speaks, he knows what he’s doing, and he’s doing it on purpose. Unfortunately, it’s the definition of scandal: speaking to cause confusions. How are we to respond?
We must start with humility. While he does not offer these remarks under the principle of Papal Infallibility, Francis was elected pontiff for a reason. It may not be clear to us now, but there is some message that the Holy Spirit is trying to send to us. Perhaps the message is that we should not be so narrowly focused in our own spiritual lives, but to embrace the wholeness of loving each other. Perhaps we’ve become too comfortable and spiritually selfish, caring more about our salvation than the salvation of others.
Next, we must resist the urge to cancel Pope Francis. I don’t subscribe to a cancel culture. I understand people to be complex, so I take their good and set aside their bad. He is still the supreme pontiff, entrusted with the care of the Church.
In our lives, we must stand up for truth. The most damaging part of all of this scandal is that it’s a weak attempt to sugar coat the truth. Truth is always hard to hear, but it’s the most loving word to share. The family is vital to the survival of society and humanity writ large. To recast the family is to weaken and denigrate it. Our world widely accepts immorality in the vain attempt to make everyone feel good about themselves. Only this acceptance comes with reducing the dignity of the very people it aims to support. Our world needs to continue to hear with absolute clarity the saving message of the Church and an unequivocal advocacy for the absolute dignity of the human person.
Finally, don’t give up. Not even the gates of Hell will prevail against the Church, so we shouldn’t fret about a few poor comments to the media. The wedge of schism drives people away from grace, and that’s why it is so effective. If a media quote is enough to get a person or a family to leave their faith behind forever, that’s a victory for darkness.
Be patient, be humble, and stand in truth.
Election Eve
Election day is finally here. What a cycle it’s been! In many respects, this election cycle has been just as dramatic as any other. It’s the biggest, most contentious, most important election of your life! We’re either going to have a country or a civil war starting on Wednesday morning. At least that’s what we’re told. The truth is, people have predicted the downfall of America since its beginning. Yet, here we are.
It’s easy to give into the stress and fear. There’s a real chance that we won’t have a result tomorrow night, a replay of the 2000 election. It’s even easier to let our stress get out of control amid our lockdown.
This entire cycle of manufactured drama and crisis is a perfect reminder for us. The media and politicians need our eyes, need our clicks, and need us to be terrified. They need to shut down our rational minds and tap into the fight or flight emotions to achieve their commercial and political objectives. If you step back from the hype and look at the record of the candidates, you’ll have a much more boring electoral decision-making experience.
What’s the reminder? The reminder is two-fold. First, we already have a Savior. Regardless of which party holds power come January, Christ still reigns. History also tells us that in four years, the opposite party is likely to be in power. So getting worked up in the emotions is an exercise in futility.
Second, the Church has been persecuted since its founding. Our faith runs counter to the culture, and this Pax Christianity that we’ve enjoyed over the past couple of decades stands opposed to the history of the Church. I like being comfortable as much as the next guy, but our faith speaks out against the cruel injustices of the World. Should we be persecuted, we can at least know that we’re in good company.
We are a people of hope. We are called to live in this World, to speak Truth, and to love our neighbor. Be an active, faithful participant in civic life, but don’t place your hope in a transient political movement. Place your hope in the God who has always loved you, and who has never fallen short of His word.
Time to Go
Life in March was paralyzing. The incessant flow of negative news stories crashed over us like a tsunami. Our society endured the first global health threat of our lifetimes, and we did not adapt well.
Even now, months on, we hold our hope for a vaccine to return things to the way that they used to be. We pine for the ability to walk into a store without a mask, to go and see a movie with our friends, or even to sit in a crowded restaurant to enjoy a good meal. Sadly, the robust economy of January and February is on hiatus, and we’re back in the 2009-2011 world of an economy only starting to heal from a recession.
It’s easy to still be paralyzed. I’m guilty of this. Before, once or twice a week we were about town on some adventure. The easy days of picnic lunches at Mom’s office, or even just surprising her with a coffee run, are gone, for now. Now I rarely leave the house with my kids.
The situation is worsened by all of our new free time. The election cycle seems particularly brutal this time around, but that’s only because we have less to distract us. We’re living emptier lives, allowing the darkness on the internet and in the news to fill that gap with abjectly negative emotions. We let our anxiety dictate our lives and spend that extra time judging others.
We’re living a new normal, and it’s time for us to act like it. We can’t move about as freely as we could before, but we can still get out. Parks, hiking trails, even some of our favorite amusements are available, albeit under new restrictions. What about our backyards or the buckets of toys that we have to play with in our garages?
The Sunday obligation to attend Mass is suspended, and a weekday liturgy is even more of a stretch, but why not try? Don’t let your Sunday slip into just another Saturday.
What about those great ideas that we never had time for before all of this? Starting a reading aloud habit, scheduling one-on-one time with your kids, establishing a solid morning and evening routine, or regular family prayer? Now is the time! Now is the _opportunity_.
A vaccine will help us get over this hump, but global events like these tend to form new behaviors and routines. We may not be able to go back to the old ways, but we still have the gift of today. How are you going to spend it?
Life with Four
I bring a lot of structure and process to my life. During the day, when I’m alone with my children, I need that support. I need to have decisions pre-made for me so that when it’s time to go, I only have to execute. Sometimes I use these ready-made solutions for safety, like the order in which we get into and out of the van (everyone uses a single, passenger side door). At other times, it’s just for simplicity (I always arrange my children’s plates on the counter in the same order).
The nice thing about parenting is that it’s something that you grow into. You start with an immobile baby, who over several months starts to wiggle, crawl, and then walk. You don’t have to know everything on day one, you only have to be ready to adjust incrementally each day.
Earlier this year, when I had three independent children to take care of, managing our daily activities and movements was no big deal. I evolved into that role, and we were a finely tuned machine. Of course, that changed, as of today, with Veronica here and Alison back at work.
I’m not sure there’s an “easy” number of children; I think that caring for any number of children is always hard. I know how to care for an infant, a toddler, and big kid. Now I just need to pull those pieces together to get acclimated to my new normal.
My life is very full, even when we mostly spend our days at home. Juggling different feeding schedules, balancing everyone’s needs, and taking care of me is my current struggle. For me to operate at a high level, I need to not take the easy route of neglecting myself. I’m not going to be a good dad or a good teacher or a good playmate if I don’t get to my morning coffee at a reasonable hour. The same is true if I skip meals. A balance must be struck, and it’s one that I need to find. Taking caring of me is the best way that I can prepare for taking care of my kids.
People have told me over the years that the hardest number of children to have is three and any more than that is easy. Yeah, that’s not true.
Pandemic Confession
I’ve made no secret that I’m a frequent recipient of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Once or twice a month, I leave my house on a Saturday afternoon to renew myself. Despite years of this spiritual practice, I still find myself in need of a regular spiritual tune-up. I’m grateful to have a confessor locally who is both patient and gentle with me. This year, as with everything, things have been different.
In the first few months of the shutdowns, I wasn’t able to receive the Sacrament at all. The Church doors were locked and all scheduled Sacraments canceled. I’m sure that I could’ve scheduled an appointment, but the grace of anonymity is among the greatest that the Sacrament bestows, aside from forgiveness, of course. In those early weeks, I was very disciplined spiritually. I was locked in and focused. My need for Reconciliation was less intense. Knowing that the Sacrament wasn’t so easily attained, I found it easier to do the right thing.
When the Churches first reopened, I went to Confession outside. The priest and I sat outside in the Church courtyard. We sat at opposite ends of a folding table and a line of people stood nearby. I’d be okay never having that experience again.
As the reality of how delicate life truly is set in, I’ve spent a lot of time pondering how well I’m living the life that I profess. I’ve considered my track record within my vocation and as a father. Without the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I could never rise to this high calling. My shortcomings would prevent me from living as the person, husband, and father that God has called me to be.
There are many lessons that we will each take from 2020 and this experience. I hope that one of those life changes that I walk away with is a greater sense of humility. Without God, without His Church, and without the Sacraments, I am nothing.
Reading Together
Filling up every minute of the day with activity for my kids is a real struggle. My kids are always up for adventure or doing something new, but each day presents the same challenge. How can we spend our day in a way that allows my children to grow and me to thrive?
Each day is different. Children wake up at different times, in different moods, and with different energy levels. The same is true for me. I’m not the same dad every morning. Some days I’m revving my engine ready to go, and others I’m counting down to bedtime.
It’s easy for me to set an agenda for the day, but filling those little empty moments that bubble up throughout the day is hard for me. Those moments show up in the in-between time from when the morning is almost over, but it’s not quite time to start making lunch. It happens again in the afternoon lull when I want to just close my eyes for a few minutes, but my kids need something else to get them over the hump. Even just a quick 20-minute car ride might need some sort of activity.
Last year I read a book called The Read Aloud Family. Research confirms that children benefit greatly from having stories read to them. Listening to stories helps their minds to grow. They learn to understand sentence structure, plot development, vocabulary, and more generally stimulates learning. Children who have wide exposure to reading perform better academically and grow into better readers themselves.
Those in-between times are the perfect daily opportunity to pick up a book and reading it aloud to my children is the perfect time filler. It’s a calming activity that allows me to be fully in charge of the energy levels. In the car, we’ve listened to audiobooks. We can then discuss the stories, the characters, and I can ask questions that place my children in the plot.
Time spent reading aloud to my children is more than education, it’s bonding. It’s special time in our day when we can sit next to each other, snuggled on the couch, and explore a new world together. I hope that this simple activity builds not only their curiosity and academic prowess, but memories of us that they’ll treasure forever.
The New Evangelization Stumbles
Getting to Mass on a weekday is hard for me, and that was before the pandemic. The difficulty is not handling my four kids by myself for half an hour. It’s getting everyone up, dressed, fed, and in the pew by 8:30am. Lately our parish switched Mass times for the weekday liturgies to 5:00pm, another challenge for parents of little ones.
The Mass is central to our Catholic faith. The lockdowns earlier this year highlighted just how big of a role that weekly liturgy plays in the rhythm of our weeks. Without the Mass and the Eucharist, we’ve been marooned in a spiritual desert.
During those difficult weeks, with tremendous gratitude to the ministries that stepped up to the plate, our separation was more bearable. Like many businesses, parishes used their creativity to help us all cope. Parish rosaries have been prayed over teleconference, new homily podcasts have been published, Eucharistic Adoration has been live-streamed on YouTube, and the Mass, that sacred celebration, recorded and uploaded for viewing on any schedule.
This pandemic continues to reshaped our lives in new and different ways. It’s a disruptive event, and I was glad that it shook the Catholic Church awake. All of these new ways to experience and express our faith, in community while apart, enriched my family’s life. We were more connected than we had ever been to the daily life of the Church.
I quickly keyed in on the Word on Fire Daily Mass. A ministry started by Bishop Robert Barron, Word on Fire is a digital education and evangelization platform that teaches topics of faith. They’re uniquely suited to record and publish the daily Mass because they’re a digital first organization.
My family attended Mass with Word on Fire for two main reasons. First, we knew that Bishop Barron is a legitimate Catholic priest, so the Masses we attended were valid. Second, since they’re so experienced with video production and distribution, the production values were very high. The camera angle, lighting, and audio were all carefully considered so we could focus on prayer and not poor lighting or distant audio.
Imagine my disappointment when Word on Fire announced at the end of May that they would stop uploading their Daily Mass. Weekend liturgies would have 144,000 or more views while the weekday Masses averaged 65,000 views.
The average Catholic parish in America would be lucky to have 50 people attend Mass on a weekday, and here Word on Fire was touching tens of thousands of people every single day.
In their announcement, Word on Fire cited that public Masses were resuming in California and that they never intended for their Daily Masses to be published on an ongoing basis. They also expressed their desire for people to return to their parishes. Their points are taken.
Even so, no matter how justified, what a terrible mistake.
The lesson for us to take away from the pandemic is that we need more avenues for expressing our faith. The Domestic Church, that idea that the family is at the core of the spiritual life of a person, needs the support of external resources. We harnessed new technologies, quickly, and started praying together in new ways.
Further, I wonder how many lost Catholics, or even just Catholic-curious people, were drawn to the Church through these new and modern methods.
Sadly, as the lockdowns lifted, many parishes and ministries ceased these operations. It was a heartbreaking stumble to watch. The New Evangelization demands that we use new methods and the technology that we have to spread the Gospel. This pandemic was the perfect excuse for us to try new things and experiment. When you try something novel and half a million people show up every week, you don’t just turn it off because it took some extra effort.