Ring Control Device
I drive a lot for work. Last year, I put 35,000 miles on my car. As a Christmas gift, my parents gave me a subscription to Sirius XM. One of the channels I listen to, if there is no good music on, is the clean comedy channel.
The comedy is pretty good. It is amazing that we start to think that if there is no profanity, a comedian isn’t funny or that somehow vulgarity increases the humor level. (P.S. It doesn’t.)
One day as I was listening, the comedian described his wedding ring as a “ring control device.” In the sketch, he seemed to indicate that it was his belief that women instituted the practice of a wedding ring to maintain control over men. He countered that it was okay if only you thought about doing something, but didn’t actually follow through.
There are issues with that fallacy that I won’t address in this post.
I want to address the wedding ring.
At a wedding, the spouses exchange the rings as a token of their love and affection. To consider it a ring control device would be a grave error on your part. The ring has no beginning and no end. The ring is a constant, visible, tangible reminder of your marriage covenant. It is a constant reminder of your spouse’s love for you.
If you need a ring to control your behavior, you are not ready to get married. Marriage isn’t a prison. It is a perpetual self-gift.
Why is it so Hard to Pray Together?
Why is it so hard to pray with your wife?
Intellectually, we’re there. We understand the benefit. We understand that it is a good thing to do.
Yet, when we’re in the moment, we get as nervous as the first time we asked her out. We lock up and shy away.
Our feelings are, however, not based in fact. She wants to pray with you. She longs for you to initiate. She wants to connect on that level.
Tonight, when you’re falling asleep together, roll over and invite her to pray with you. You’ll be glad you did.
I Slept with A Woman Last Night
This morning, I woke up and there was a woman in bed with me. It was my wife.
It is a story that plays out every morning, all around the world. Sadly though, many of those individuals are waking up to someone whose name they don’t remember, or whose personhood they don’t really care about.
How did we get here?
When did women become trophies or accomplishments?
When did we start lying to convincing ourselves that this doesn’t hurt us or affect our future?
We have allowed ourselves to be hollowed out. The messaging in our culture and media is so intense and so fast that we have begun to believe the lie. On our radios during the day and in our livings rooms in the evening, we are constantly told that the way to true manhood is to rack up a body count beyond compare. That is insane.
Our brains are sending us sincere signals. We long for companionship. We long to be loved. We long for community. We just need a meaningful way to respond to those signals.
Here is how we combat this mis-messaging.
- Turn it off.
The music we listen to and the TV shows we watch communicate messages to us. If it isn’t building you up, it is tearing you down. Change to talk radio or something more family friendly. Don’t watch shows that use sex for ratings. I’m not saying you have to watch the History Channel all day, but you need to recognize how television shows and movies influence you and your attitudes.
- Rediscover your personal worth.
As a human person, made in God’s image and likeness, as a man, you have a unique identity. You have complete control over your activities, how you invest your time, and your body. Do things that make you better. Don’t buy yourself shiny new toys. Invest in a workout program, read a good book, eat breakfast at sunrise on your porch. Engage in sensory activities that you haven’t experienced in a while (like walking barefoot through a field) and enjoy the experience for what it is.
- Reflect your self-respect outwardly.
With every person that you come into contact with, radiate respect. Be a gentleman. Conduct yourself with professionalism. Don’t be as stiff as a freshly starched shirt, but don’t treat women like a slab of meat.
There are activities that build you up and there are activities that bring you down. Spend more time on the uplifting ones and man up.
It’s Time to be Men
There is a growing chorus among young ladies today. They are recognizing a trend in our society. We have a society full of boys. Women don’t want to marry a boy; they want to marry a man.
What is the difference between a boy and a man? There aren’t enough words in the world to make all of the distinctions. I’ll cover a few key ones here.
Women don’t want a little boy who cares more about his toys than about his wife. Women don’t want a little boy who would rather play with his friends than spend an evening in with his wife. Women don’t want a little boy that they have to clean up after, they want a man who takes responsibility.
Women don’t want a little boy that they can’t rely on emotionally, they want a rock to lean on. Women don’t want a little boy that doesn’t listen, they want a man who shows empathy. Women don’t want a little boy that ignores the importance of religion, they want a man with the faith of St. Joseph.
Women don’t want a little boy that sits at home all day, they want a man who contributes to the family. Women don’t want a little boy that they can’t have a conversation with, they want a man who speaks intelligently.
Men, we’ve been beaten down. They’ve tried to put us in the corner. They’re wrong.
It is time for us to lead our families with the heart of a servant. It is time for us to take our role seriously. It is time for us to love our children by loving our wives well. It is time we give less time to the TV and spend more time listening to our wives.
We need to make dinner time family time. We need to leave our work at work and focus on being husbands and fathers at home. We need to give our families the gift of ourselves.
It won’t be easy to turn the corner. Boys don’t become men overnight. But we need to turn this corner fast. Our wives need us. Our families need us.
It’s time to be men.
If You Both Give 50%, You’ll Fail
Just over a month after my wedding, my wife and I attended my brother’s wedding. It was a beautiful occasion. He got married in the same Church as my grandparents. All of the family was there. The priest was a man we had known for 12 years, from his days in the Seminary.
It was a great experience for me because I was able to more deeply process my own wedding. On my wedding day, I had an acute clarity and presence of mind during the Mass. It was a great blessing to be able to absorb everything and not have to think about anything else. My brother’s provided me another opportunity.
The homily was excellent. I took away a major piece of advice. The priest said, “Marriage is not 50/50. If you both give 50%, then you will fail. You must both give 100%.”
Wow. It defies our basic math skills. Yet, after contemplating this sage wisdom, I saw its truth. If marriage was 50/50, it would be a joint venture. It would be a business transaction. Marriage is so much deeper. It is a covenant.
When the Israelites wandered in the desert, they had times where they gave 50% and times when they gave 100%. Things went much better for them when they gave 100%.
50% is trying. Trying isn’t good enough. When you try, you aren’t committed. When you are married, you are all in. 100%. It is all of you; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
That is the great thing about marriage. When you are both in 100%, there is nothing that you cannot accomplish. Your strengths fill in for her weaknesses. She is wise where you are not. You can see blind spots that she cannot. You are the ultimate team.
From a practical perspective, we would all rather be in relationships or situations where all parties are all in. If you are on a team at work and you are the only person who is fully committed, your work on that project is not very fulfilling. You spend a majority of your time trying to motivate the team to get with you and a very small amount of time actually making forward progress on the project.
Marriage is the same way. You won’t have a quality marriage if one of you spends most of their time and energy dragging the other one along. When you work together, when you are unified, you can overcome anything.
Marriage is an all in deal. Don’t get married until you are all in. Don’t get married until you are willing to be totally yourself, willing to bear all of your flaws. That’s the funny thing about being vulnerable. When you are vulnerable, there is a strength that comes. There is an honesty that opens up and a strong trust is built.
Don’t give a 50% try to your marriage. Go all in.
Temptation
Lent is a great season. I used to hate it. It was dark and boring. A few years ago, I finally unlocked the key to the season. It came from a deeper understanding of what it takes for God to love us who hurt Him so much, so often.
The Gospel reading from the first Sunday of Lent is especially potent. The temptation of Jesus. I became especially fascinated with the passage this year. For me, it really concretized that Jesus was fully man. I understood and believed that He is fully God and fully Man, but I somehow had the notion that since He was perfect, it was easy. It wasn’t.
Jesus braved one-on-one combat with Satan. He went toe-to-toe and could have avoided all of the pain and suffering that I caused Him. He could have side-stepped the whole torture episode. Even though He is perfect and knows the Father’s mind, He still had a choice.
He could see clearly through the lie. I thought, “That must have made the decision easy for Him. If only I had that luxury.” Problem. We often times have the luxury. When we decide to work on a particular failing, we typically take it to the Priest in Confession. In that moment, we have the clarity of mind to see through the lie. We can see the falseness of the lie. Yet, when we get in the moment, we conveniently ignore what we know to be true and then are shocked at the consequences.
We know objectively that we shouldn’t cheat on our taxes. We know objectively that we shouldn’t cheat on our spouse. We know objectively that it is wrong to steal. Yet, in the moment of temptation, we can easily forget.
In the priest’s homily that Sunday, he said something that really hit me. “Temptation is morally neutral.” The temptation is not a sin on our part. It is a part of our nature. Engaging, entertaining, & acting on the temptation is where we get into trouble.
This is an important point because you will be tempted. It is how you respond to that temptation that defines who you are as a person. It is how you respond to that temptation that defines your marriage.
The biggest take away is that we will all fail, in some regards. Hopefully it is not a major fall. But admitting that you will fall will help you gain perspective. You can take the loss on the battle if it gets you to win the war.
It’s Not Just About You Anymore
A few months before I got married, I joined a gym. Everyone asked the question, “Are you trying to look good in your wedding pictures?” It is a scene from any number of romantic comedies. Guy gets engaged and suddenly hits the gym. Are we really that shallow?
I don’t think we are. I think that, for guys, it is about something much deeper. I think it comes with the realization that people depend on us now, and we need to be prepared for the long haul. We’ve got this one body, and this one chance to maintain the Temple of our Bodies. If we don’t eat right and exercise, it costs our family money. In the long run, maybe even years of life.
All men have three basic desires: to have a job, to have a family, and to have a home. Those desires are almost universal. They are also not easy. Once you have a job, you have to keep it. Once you have a family, you have to tend the relationships. Once you have a home, you have to maintain it. If those were the only three jobs we had as Catholic husbands, that would be plenty to keep us busy.
While accomplishing those three tasks, (which are not easy, by the way) we then must defend our family from external threats. We must protect our wives from those lesser people who would prey on them. We must defend our children from predators and from those in our society who would not teach them truth. In order to do this, we have to give ourselves the best possible shape. We must be in the best possible shape.
Getting in shape doesn’t mean being ripped like Mr. Universe. In fact, even 180 minutes of exercise (30 minutes a day, six days a week) can cause your energy levels to spike to levels you thought previously impossible. When I started exercising, I was able to accomplish tasks I never thought I’d ever be able to do. Your body rewards you for treating it well.
When it comes to exercise, and prayer for that matter, both require discipline. Taking that first step can be the most challenging. Come back tomorrow when I explain that these two activities are not luxuries, they’re essential!
To close with the wit and humor of Pope John XXIII, “They say that the body is a temple. Mine is a Major Basilica!”
Financial Dreams
Money is something that people don’t like to talk about. The only thing we like to do with money is pretend that we have lots of it. It’s a shame because it is really a tool that can be our greatest ally.
My wife introduced me to Dave Ramsey two years ago. Since then, I have lived his principles and can’t imagine living any other way. What has been even more valuable has been Dave’s marriage advice.
I think that the thing that my wife and I do best in our relationship is handle our money. We have clear boundaries and neither of us would ever dream of crossing them. She’s not coming home with bags from a shopping spree and I’m not surprising her with my new iPad.
That isn’t to say that those things are bad. In fact, we have used our monthly budget to plan ahead and make those purchases. It does mean that when it comes to money, we know what is right and what is wrong.
The big secret is that money has nothing to do with it. Money is a vehicle. It is a vehicle for communication. When we communicate, we understand each other. We connect. The fact that we run a household together makes it necessary to communicate.
Whenever there is a problem in our marriage, we often wonder aloud why we can’t tackle this problem like we’re able to tackle our money. In fact, I try to find parallels to our handling our money to help us out of the rut.
We dream a lot about our money. We dream about what it will be like when we’re out of debt. We dream about how our life will be different. We dream about how we will be able to better help those in our community.
Yet, there is something much deeper going on. We are communicating what is important to us. We are communicating to each other our deepest desire to provide for each other. We are communicating our deepest desire that the other have all that they need.
If you and your spouse aren’t sharing the budgeting process together, you’re missing an opportunity. You’re missing the opportunity to love each other well.
I Had A Win
My desk, at the end of the day, is always completely clear. I am a generally clean person. I try to be diligent in maintaining cleanliness in my life.
Since both my wife and I work, it can be challenging to keep our home clean. We are both tired after a long day of work and the last thing that we want to do is clean. Still, work needs to be done.
While my wife was taking her test in March, I stayed in the hotel. My work primarily involved working on the Catholic Husband blog. Since I would be in the room during the day, that meant we wouldn’t have housekeeping work in our room.
Before I sat down to blog, I went through the room and picked everything up. I cleaned up the bathroom, made the bed, and rearranged our stuff. I wanted my wife to have a nice, clean atmosphere for when she got back to our hotel.
This was a win for me. I didn’t have a single thought of blame or begrudging. I just did it because I love her. It took me time to get to this point, but I’m here now. I’m not looking back.
The Club
We emerged from the Christmas Season a few months ago. This Christmas was my wife and I’s first Christmas together. However, now that I am married, it was different in another way. I learned that the Christmas Season is also engagement season.
Should this come as a surprise to me? Perhaps not. After all, I did propose to my wife in the Christmas Season, though it was not planned around that particular season. I simply couldn’t wait any longer.
Guys, if you’re engaged, then you know what I am going to talk about. If you aren’t, you will. For the ladies who aren’t following, there is a club into which all men are inducted. They are inducted the second you say “Yes.”
When you are a guy who is newly engaged, any woman that you tell is instantly excited for you and giggly. Whenever you tell a married man, they usually give you the Club response, “Don’t do it.” Many men told me that, including two different UPS drivers. One of my bosses one evening instructed my team and I, “Don’t get married and have kids.” He was joking; mostly. This Club is a universal. It turned out to actually be a great experience to hear that sage wisdom. In fact, it helped inspire me to start this blog.
What it did was actually to prepare me for marriage. It helped me to understand that my marriage would come under attack from two foes: foreign and domestic. Your marriage will come under attack from within it and from outside of it. The outside attacks will be sometimes easy to notice and sometimes, quite difficult. The domestic threats will come from decisions that you make.
The point is, being in The Club isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Club members often give you lousy advice and usually they don’t even know you or your beloved that well. Stick with what you know, trust, and pray and you’ll be just fine.