Loyalty vs. Fidelity
In this past Christmas Season, I had been reading some of the writings of Archbishop Chaput. In one of his works, he discussed meeting a young woman who was seeking a husband who wasn’t loyal, but was faithful.
There is an important distinction between the two. In fact, this young woman was on to something. In the pastoral constitution on the Church in the modern wold of the Second Vatican Council, Gaudium et Spes, the Church addresses this topic in number 48. The Council Fathers write, in part, “This intimate union in the mutual self-giving of two persons, as well as the good of the children, demands full fidelity from both, and an indissoluble unity between them.”
Loyalty is a great thing. In fact, loyalty can make a great business or personal relationship. Yet, it is quite ordinary. It is so ordinary, in fact, that even a dog can do it.
Marriage requires something even greater than “acceptable.”
Fidelity is absolute. There is no “mostly faithful” or “kinda faithful.” You are either faithful or you aren’t. The pure love that marriage nurtures cannot exist with absolute fidelity. Who wants a fair weather friend? Worse, a fair weather spouse. The self giving love of marriage does not permit degrees of fidelity, it must be complete in order to survive.
Loyalties can change (or be bought), fidelity is permanent.
What’s the Least I Can Do?
American Catholicism is having a rough go. The funny part about it is, none of it has anything to do with Church teaching.
The Church, thankfully, is curiously consistent. I say curious because I can think of no other organization that is as consistent as the Church. I do not have to worry about waking up tomorrow or on my 90th birthday to the headline, “Church encourages birth control” or “Pope: ‘Abortion is a private matter, not any of the Church’s business.’” The Church is who She is and She doesn’t need to change for any one, any thing, or any agenda.
Yet, with this mysteriously transparent Institution, we still race to the bottom. The problem with American Catholicism is very simple. It all points back to one simple question, “What is the least amount of effort that I can put in and still make it to Purgatory?”
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
It is an attitude that we don’t limit to our faith. We do it with our education too. “What is the lowest score I can get on the exam and still pass the class?” And our work. “What is the least amount of work I can do and not get fired?”
People, Men, we are in the fight of our life! Our eternal salvation is on the line every day. Eternal, forever. As in, there’s nothing after that. That’s it. It’s even longer than that awkward moment when you run into your ex-girlfriend in the cafeteria with her new boyfriend. Eternal… that’s a long time.
And really, when you consider it, you’re cheating yourself by asking questions like that. You ignore life as a blessing and opportunity and treat it like a chore.
You show up late to Mass, in blue jeans, chewing gum. You tweet during the homily or read the bulletin. You go to Communion without considering the state of your soul, and then don’t bother returning to your seat. Your pew mates start to worry that the rapture just happened and they missed out.
The goal of our faith life, the bedrock of our family life, should not be to get a D-. It shouldn’t focus on just passing. We should strive to excel!
We are not compartmental beings. We cannot, no matter how much we tell ourselves, keep different aspects of our lives separate. If you’re a lazy employee, you’re going to be a lousy spouse. If you try to live your Catholic faith on the bare minimums, thats the same effort you’re going to put into our marriage.
You’re better that than. We’re better than that.
Boys aim to pass. Men aim to excel.
You’re Not that Important
I don’t really mean that. You’re important to someone. Hopefully a lot of someones. You’re just not that important to your company.
We build ourselves up when it comes to our jobs. We rely too heavily on them for our identity. In fact, we sometimes let our jobs define who we are as human persons and our standing in society.
There’s a problem there. The problem is an epidemic in America. We have raised a generation of workaholics.
The fact is, there will always be more work. You are not the only part of the machine that makes the whole thing tick. So, when you’ve put in an honest day’s work, go home.
Enjoy some exercise. Spend quality time with your wife. Make memories with your children.
I promise you this. When you go back to work tomorrow morning, everything will be there waiting for you.
You will never complete all of your work. Your to-do list will never be empty. Be okay with that reality.
No success at work is worth failure at home.
In 40 years, you’ll retire from your job. You’ll then have 10, 20, or 30 years left to live in retirement. Do you know who will be there? Your family. Do you know who won’t? Your company.
Keep things in perspective. Do good work, do GREAT work! But remember that your job isn’t everything. Your family is.
The Church Sustains Us
The election of Pope Francis earlier this year was exciting. I was sad to see Pope Benedict retire, but there was a magnetism about Catholicism. All of the media and blogs were talking about the Church again.
While watching Pope Francis be introduced to the world and give his Apostolic Blessing, it hit me. We are so incredibly lucky to be a part of this Church. We are so lucky to have this Church that sustains us. Then again, luck has nothing to do with it.
Marriage is difficult because we are fighting on all fronts. We are fighting against our own selfish desires. We are fighting against the desires of the world. We are fighting to continually put our spouse before ourselves.
I believe that, as Catholics, we have the best chance of sustaining our marriages. Our chances are substantially better because we have the Church behind us. We are married through a Sacrament. Through that Sacrament, we seal a covenant.
We have access to all of the best resources. We have the Sacraments of Reconciliation and Eucharist to reconcile ourselves to God when we fail. We have the constant flow of graces from the Sacrament of Matrimony. We have access to the Treasury of Graces to sustain us.
As a married person, when we sin, we hurt three groups. We first hurt God, who loves us completely. We hurt the Body of Christ, the Christian Community, because we are a part of that community. We lastly hurt our spouse, as they are one with us. The results of our sin are far reaching.
Thankfully, we have the benefit of the Church to set things right. We are able to fix our fallen selves so that we can then fix our marriage. When we commit sin, we weaken charity. Through Reconciliation, we strengthen our charity and our marriage benefits.
We are part of something much bigger than ourselves. We are a part of this Universal Church that was put in place for our benefit. Christ knew that we’d need help. He knew that the Catholic Church was the perfect solution to our problems.
Take a moment today and reflect, thanking God that you are a part of His Church.
Here’s An Idea
When you get home early this week, before your wife, get ready for her.
Pick up your mess, draw her a bath, throw a towel in the dryer.
When she comes in the door, take everything out of her hands and pamper her.
For one night.
Because your wife loves surprises.
And she’s worth it.
Keep Holy the Sabbath
We all hate Mondays. I get it. But, do we really have to?
For many years, I ignored God’s commandment to “Keep Holy the Sabbath.” The going to Church part wasn’t an issue. I always go to Mass on Sundays. Then, I’d come home and take a nap. I’d wake up, only to be saddened knowing that the freedom of Friday and joy of Saturday was quickly slipping away on a Sunday afternoon.
It wasn’t until I was in college that I finally grasped what this commandment was trying to help me do. One Sunday at lunch in the cafeteria, a friend was talking about how they try not to study on Sundays because they wanted to have a Holy Day. It struck me as revolutionary.
Every person SHOULD keep holy the Sabbath because it can help you have a better week.
Up until that point, I studied mostly on Sundays. I was always tired and crabby on Monday. The reason was simple. If God needed a day off every week, He was most likely telling me that I needed one too. I can’t say that I started performing better under this new structure, but I can say that I was happier.
When I graduated and moved out into the world, I kept this rule. When Friday afternoon rolled around, I removed any opportunity for me to read work emails at home or do any other work. Most of my chores happened on Saturday and Sunday was just a day to be.
I have found that when I get Sunday its proper place, I am much more energized for the week. I am excited to get back to work to do the things that will continue to fulfill me.
The problem is, you need good time management skills and discipline to make this happen. You need to have a plan to get your chores and work done so that Sunday is a fun day.
There is another reason why you should keep Holy the Sabbath. Your family needs you. Monday through Friday, you work most of your waking hours. Saturday and Sunday are your best opportunities to spend quality time with your loved ones. Don’t let work get in the way of that because you didn’t plan ahead.
It can be hard initially to put this idea into practice, but it pays dividends.
If You’re Keeping Score, You Lose
If you’re keeping score, you lose.
We are naturally competitive. It is natural for us to try to be better than everyone else, at everything. As men, we keep score a lot. Sometimes though, we take it to the point where it is damaging.
We keep track of everything we do. Household chores become a competition. “I emptied the dishwasher the last three times, what is my wife doing?”
You can’t keep track of who did what chores when because it is destructive. You will start to spend more time thinking about the last time your wife did a particular chore instead of focusing on the act of loving service you are rendering.
There should be some type of division of labor, some system that makes each of you accountable. But you shouldn’t turn a lack of completion into a weapon in your mind against your spouse.
Marriage isn’t about equality, it is about being complementary. You and your spouse have unique likes, dislikes, and talents. Try dividing up the household tasks by natural ability. Take a few that you don’t like to remind you of your love for your wife.
It’s easy after the wedding to slowly lose touch of what it feels like to “love.” By taking on some of those unpleasant tasks, you can experience that selfless love in a physical, tangible way.
Don’t keep score. It is a waste of your time.
Teaching Healthy Marriage
Growing up, I received most of my education from Catholic schools, thanks to the sacrifice of my parents. Each year, we would celebrate Vocations Week and have guest speakers come in and talk about vocations.
There was only one problem.
In 10 years, I never heard from a married couple. Yes, we do have a shortage of Priests and Religious, and we do need to invite young people to consider the call. However, we need to also recognize that the majority of Catholics are called to the Married Life.
It is plain to see that, even in the Catholic Church, we have another type of vocations crisis. Our divorce rate is almost even with the general population. We are not getting the message out about the importance and the reality of the married life.
As a Church, we need to look at how we are teaching about marriage. We need to look at the message that we are sending. As married people, much like Priests and Religious, we need to radiate joy. How can we not?
How can we not be joyous that we found the one single person, out of all of human history, that is our perfectly suited mate? That is not to say that they always appear to us as our perfect mate, but we must acknowledge Divine Providence. Two completely different lives converging in the same place at the same point in time cannot be anything but Providence.
We must refocus our efforts in Vocational Instruction. Parents must take the lead as the prime educators. We must be talking to all youth, at appropriate levels, about vocations. When kids are “playing Mass,” they are open to hearing about the goods of a vocation to the Priesthood or Religious Life. When they are “playing House,” they are open to hearing about the goods of a vocation to the Married Life.
Choosing one’s vocation in life, discerning the call, is enormously difficult. I remember driving with my wife one day and saying, “I’m so glad that I finally know what my vocation is in life.” It is true, the mystery and pressure were gone. I had found the answer.
We must support our young people in their discernment and we must take every opportunity to give them quality information that they might choose well.
When to Go to Confession
Going to the Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession) is hard. It’s not that it’s inconvenient, it’s that it is uncomfortable.
The Sacrament isn’t optional though. It is absolutely vital to your success as a human person, as a Catholic, as a man, as a husband, and as a father. The graces in the Sacrament will do more in helping you fill your vocational role than almost any other single activity.
Sometimes it can be hard to determine if you need to go to Confession. Here are a few ways that I can tell if I need to go to confession.
• It has been more than four weeks
• I am in a state of mortal sin
• I am afraid to go
• I am afraid that the priest will recognize you
• I am afraid that your penance will be public
• I don’t like going to Confession
Most of those circumstances involve a fear of some sort. That is a problem in two ways. First, it is a symptom of pride. We are a proud gender, us men. It can be our fatal flaw. Don’t let your pride get in the way of growing in your faith.
Second, most of those excuses are simply the words of the devil. By your going to Confession, you gain graces and tools to fight temptation and do better in your faith walk. So, if Satan can get you to avoid the Sacrament, he has better odds of enslaving you.
I’m sorry to be the first to tell you that your sins aren’t that interesting to the Priest. He has heard them all, and worse, before.
That’s not to say that they are unimportant. They are what is holding you back from being the best possible person you can. It is to say that being concerned with your sins is not a valid excuse to avoid the sacrament.
You have a choice. You can be Judas: sin, feel regret, and then die. Or you can be Peter: sin, feel regret, repent and live!
Don’t be a dummy.