Breathing Room
Impulse shopping is really, really fun. There’s the enticement of an email, the excitement of a deal, and the endless possibilities that this next purchase will open up. Anticipation builds as the fulfillment and shipping process plays out and crescendos at the unboxing.
As we mature as people, and in the management of our finances, it becomes clear just how damaging impulsing can be. What feels great in the moment fades to the reality that’s transpired. You changed your priorities, and now that you bought the new thing, some other thing must be deferred or delayed.
While true that impulse shopping feels good, so does a lack of chaos. I aspire to a boring, predictable financial life where the system mostly runs on autopilot. I want a financial life that allows me breathing room to make decisions, where I can add in new priorities without wrecking the essentials. I want to make decisions about what I’m going to impulse on at the beginning of the month, and then be ready to make that leap.
There are a minimum number of things that we have to buy every month: cleaning supplies, food, gas. When I feel that urge to impulse something, if I want to keep that breathing room in my financial life, I need to save it for later, think about, and plan to buy it in the next month.
IOUs
One of the false hopes that our psychology causes us to believe is that if we only had more, we’d be satisfied. If we only had that one more thing, a little more each paycheck, one more cookie, that’s all that we need. Regrettably and predictably, we get to that one more thing, only to find that the goalposts have moved.
Financial stress is a spectrum, and while we feel it very acutely when trying to get out of debt, it never really goes away. We will experience major negative financial events in our lives, and regardless of how prepared we are, it will be a trying time.
When you’re broke, a major car repair is stressful. But when you have a full emergency fund, you experience that same negative feeling when you have a major medical condition that requires you to pay out your deductible in a short period of time. The stress transfers from a scarcity of money to a desire to protect your emergency fund.
The budget is the plan to keep you on track towards your financial goals and prevent overconsumption. In times of stress, you may have to pause funding some of those major goals. This strategic pause then raises a new issue: do you forgive yourself for the months you “missed,” or do you run an internal debt IOU system to get back on track?
The answer to this question is not straightforward, but it’s okay to forgive yourself. We are not robots and none of us are on a perfect hockey stick growth trajectory. Long-term goals require long-term commitment, but missing a month or two or six on saving towards a 30-year goal is not going to make you miss the goal. It’s a small time window on a large horizon.
Don’t move the goalposts on yourself; get through the hard time and get back on track as soon as possible. Think about the future without dwelling on the past.
Do it Well
Nearly 15 years out of college, I could’ve never predicted the arc of my career. I walked across the stage with a degree in Philosophy, a course of study that doesn’t lend itself to a neat career path. Rather, many doors were open for me and a few were closed.
I spent four years at a non-profit, expanding the program’s reach to underserved communities. It was in the immediate aftermath of the financial crisis, and although my performance was commendable, there was no money and no opportunity to promote and move me along a career within the organization. When Alison went into Residency, it was easy to walk away.
Through her three years of residency and the first three years of practice, I was an at-home dad to small children. I focused on my fitness, but I also wrote and built websites. I didn’t do it for hire, I just did it for me. It was a creative outlet. I started this blog, which is now on its 976th post. I wrote and self-published several books. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote.
In the fall of 2021, my friend asked me to help him with some writing projects at his job, then I was asked to help another friend, and a third friend asked for my help. I was working 10 hours a week, then 20, and now I’m reliably working 40–50 hours in a week. Out of far-left field came opportunities, and I was ready.
I did not build a massive business out of this blog or publish a weekly column read by the thousands. I quietly worked to develop my thoughts, build my skills, and practice my art so that, when the phone rang, I was ready.
Every job has its lessons to teach us, and connections to make, which carry us forward to our next endeavor. Whatever it is that you’re doing today, especially if it’s not the work you wish to do for the rest of your life, do it well.
Custom Parenting
Last year, when we got a dog, I thought that life would be simple. Dogs, unlike cats, are thought to be loyal and obedient. When a family needed them to do something, they would do it in a no drama way. I was wrong. Our dog, a creature all her own, has an agenda all her own. Usually, she goes with the flow, but there are plenty of occasions each week on which she doesn’t want to get with the program.
Parenting is not just about forming functioning, happy adults. Parenting is about mentorship. Each child is their own unique person, who requires an individualized approach. This can be challenging for a parent who needs to organize the group all at once, but cannot deliver the same instruction in the same way to every child.
Things that are challenging to do bring the greatest satisfaction. If you’re naturally good at golf, it’ll require a very challenging course or an exceptionally challenging championship to derive an above-average level of satisfaction from a round of golf. The effort, though, is never wasted because satisfaction is what we innately crave.
Many young adults today shun parenting and its many burdens and challenges. Indeed, parenting is the hardest commitment that any of us can make, on par with marriage. It’s a life-long commitment, to will the good of the other, to build an authentic relationship, and to give them your full heart and attention.
Developing four sets of strategies and tools for parenting my four children is hard on an easy day, and Mt. Everest on my worst days. But every bit of time, attention, care, and love that I pour into them will pay dividends long after I’m gone. Every child is unique, and they deserve parents who love and respect them enough to parent in the way that they’ll be most ready to receive.
Pray, Now
Many times, this blog has noted the depth and breadth of devotions within the Catholic Church. The dizzying array of options can lead to paralysis; having too many options and simply choosing none of them. The truth is that the best kind of prayer is the one that gets prayed.
Like diet, exercise, or any other lifestyle improvement we daydream about, many of us have visions of the perfect prayer life. It’s monastic, regimented, always perfect, and in the most beautiful of settings. The reality is that if you want quiet prayer in a house of children, it likely has to be before the sun comes up or long after it’s gone down. Even hiding in your room for less than five minutes is likely to set off the world’s greatest Search and Rescue efforts orchestrated by your children.
We need, and benefit from, all types of prayer. Group prayer, liturgical prayer, family prayer, and private prayer, it all places our day on pause and elevates our selves to communion with the God who created us. So there’s no point in designing the perfect prayer program, or waiting for just a few quiet moments during that nap time that’s unlikely to yield the intended results.
Simply pray, now.
Above All Things
Starting in our earliest years of formation, we learn that we were made to love God “above all things.” This ideal is a daily challenge to each of us to set aside our heart’s desires, the desires of our family, and to focus first on God, who provides for all things. Even in our Act of Penance, we remind ourselves of this truth by repeating these words.
I was watching the commentator Michael Knowles engage in a discussion with some sex workers, and he noted that one of them frequently wears a cross. He brought up this juxtaposition not as a condemnation, but as a symbol of the constant struggle with which we contend. Michael noted that he wears a scapular, and he will be reminded of that fact when he’s about to sin, and it presents an invitation to reconsider his course of action.
Loving God first, and trusting in His Providence, is difficult because we also know that God wants us to be people of action. We must balance between superstition and idleness in both our discernment and our action.
Regardless of our time, circumstance, or difficulty, the solution almost always is to love God above all things. If we love Him first, as we were made to do, all good things will certainly flow from it.
Mercy, Not Justice
Yesterday was the Feast of Divine Mercy, a holy day that Jesus Himself requested in His apparitions to St. Faustina. Mercy and grace are talked about frequently in Christian discourse and music, but it strikes me that many lack the comprehension of the completeness of God’s mercy.
In St. Faustina’s diaries, she records how Jesus describes His mercy. He uses words like “unfathomable” and “torrents.” The true meaning of these words is so deep that it’s beyond our comprehension. It’s akin to contemplating the depth and size of space, but even then, God’s mercy is beyond even that.
We receive God’s mercy for our venial offenses at the beginning of Mass, but to truly encounter the torrents of God’s mercy, we approach Him in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
On the evening of Easter, when Jesus appears to the 10 Apostles in the Upper Room, His first words to them are the first absolution. Despite their intimate years spent traveling around their region with Him, seeing all the signs and wonders He performed, and living with Him, at His passion they all abandoned Him. So, when He appears in their midst, He forgives them, “Peace be with you.” He then establishes the Sacrament by granting to them to power to bind and loose.
Through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, the torrents of God’s mercy are unleashed on the repentant sinner, and even those mortal sins that have suffocated their relationship with God and destroyed sanctifying grace in their life are forgiven. Like Lazarus, they are brought back from the dead and restored to the life given to them at Baptism. That is truly complete mercy.
In the early days of her encounters with Jesus, St. Faustina brought these experiences to her spiritual director. Seeking to test them, to ensure that they were truly Jesus, her director instructed Faustina to ask Jesus what sins he had confessed in his most recent confession. The next time Jesus appeared to Faustina, she posed to Him that question, to which Jesus replied that He had forgotten. Complete mercy.
The Sacrament of Reconciliation is not a sacrament of justice, but of mercy. In a true encounter with the risen Christ, out of total love for us, He forgives our worst failings so that we might be with Him forever. That is an unfathomable mercy.
Sequence
Christians, to the Paschal Victim
Offer your thankful praises!
A Lamb the sheep redeems;
Christ, who only is sinless,
Reconciles sinners to the Father.
Death and life have contended in that combat stupendous:
The Prince of life, who died, reigns immortal.
Speak, Mary, declaring
What you saw, wayfaring.
“The tomb of Christ, who is living,
The glory of Jesus’ resurrection;
bright angels attesting,
The shroud and napkin resting.
Yes, Christ my hope is arisen;
to Galilee he goes before you.”
Christ indeed from death is risen, our new life obtaining.
Have mercy, victor King, ever reigning!
Amen. Alleluia.
At Your Altar
Parenting is a regimented and structured adventure, with known milestones sprinkled throughout the growth and development of your children. Although I know these milestones, and can see them coming, they always seem to catch me by surprise.
Over the weekend, Benedict and Felicity both participated liturgically in the Mass. For Benedict, it was his first time serving at the Altar. It had been two months since his training, and I started to sweat a little as I saw him process in with one of the candles, but he did an outstanding job. He was focused, still, and showing signs of spiritual maturity. Being around the other servers gave him permission to elevate his participation. It was also great to see the more experienced servers guide and mentor him.
Felicity, after months of weekly choir practice, sang with her choir-mates at a different Mass. They sang at Christmas, so this wasn’t her first time, but right from the front row, with only her curly haired head peaking over the front pew, she sang the parts of the Mass.
Benedict and Felicity have attended Mass weekly and, to varying degrees, participated. But there’s nothing like serving at the Altar and seeing the liturgy up-close, physically participating, to make it all possible. Together, in their ways, using their gifts and talents, they served at the Altar, elevating the solemnity of the Mass.
Renew, Refresh
About this time, every year, Alison and I are bitten by the spring projects bug. There’s something elemental about it; I never see it coming, and it always just bubbles into my consciousness.
Right on schedule, this week was the week. While last year we focused on an outside cleanup and overhaul, this year we’re totally focused on the inside. Not only is it time to refresh the wardrobe and make sure the kids have clothes that fit, we’re getting ready for students moving swiftly through their schoolwork.
Life with young children is always messy, but no matter how bad things get, I always yearn for the rejuvenation that a clean home provides. There are always different and better ways to organize and optimize. Though it’s difficult to stay on top of these things, having the right tools and plan makes all the difference.
This sense of renewal is precisely what Lent is, for our souls. We are material beings, but we’re also spiritual beings. As the house needs cleaning and refreshing, so too does the soul. As the weather changes, the buds bloom, and our bodies sense the newness of spring all around us, now is the perfect time to take care of spring-cleaning for your home and your soul.