Fifty-Four
I recently finished reading Atomic Habits, the pop culture phenom beloved by productivity hackers in every industry. The premise of the book is simple: success or failure is built in the tiny, every day actions that we repeatedly take. If we string together a series of positive actions, we’ll see a bigger net result. The opposite is true for negative habits.
Cultivating a rich prayer life is the struggle of a lifetime for every Catholic. As broad and diverse as the life of the Church is, our common challenge is overcoming the tedium of daily prayer. There are plenty of resources that allow for great variety, but at the end of the day, you have to set aside time for prayer, and then you actually have to do it.
The Rosary is undoubtedly a powerful meditation, with benefits both spiritual and physical. Stopping in the middle of the day for a 15-minute break of silence and peace can recharge your batteries, refocus your mind, and propel you through the rest of the day. It’s a good suggestion, but it’s not required, and the vast majority of us don’t do it.
I just finished a 54-day streak of praying the Rosary every day. It was not easy, I had to plan my prayer time, and I had to stick to it. But I was successful because, as James Clear wrote in the Atomic Habits book, I had the stamina to show up every day and work through the boredom.
So much of the battle for our souls happens in the context of our fidelity to prayer, of our submission to the reality that we cannot make it through life spiritually weak. If we want to build a strong habit of prayer, we have to commit and sustain our good works, especially on days when it’s not easy.
Restart
From time to time, we get derailed by life and need a reset. Although we may daydream about grandiose plans that will restore us to our former glory, years of broken plans and commitments reveal a simple truth.
The best way to succeed in any plan, program, or life change agenda is to start small, and start today.
Trust
In the most difficult and stressful times of our lives, it’s easy to lose control of our thoughts. The Paleolithic parts of our brains take over, blocking out the logical thinking that has enabled every positive advancement in our lives.
Although our biology fights against our reason, we have at hand many bits of wisdom, sprinkled throughout the Bible. These lines, written thousands of years ago, feel as if they were written just for us. As we stop the spiral, take a deep breath, and regain control, clarity sets in. Our struggles are an invitation to deeper trust in the providence of God that never fails us.
We all have prayers to which the answer is a resounding, “No.” Disappointed as we may be, in time, the things that we asked for are forgotten. It’s prayers that were answered, and the gifts granted to us that are beyond our limited imaginations that matter. Taking a wider view, we see the waypoints, decisions, and impacts in our lives stringing together in a way more beautiful and perfect than we ever could’ve designed.
Troubles will always be with us, but the deeper we trust in God’s will, and His plan for our lives, the more peace we invite into our lives. We don’t have to rely on ourselves, we don’t have to control every factor of our lives; we only have to go where we are called and serve.
Oh why do I worry? Why do I not trust you? Oh child, why hurry? When you have a Father who provides and never withholds His whole heart! Oh, God alone never changes; oh, God alone suffices; and God alone remains faithful.
Free
It’s hard to not be grateful when we realize the blessing of being born into this country. For all of its faults, we’ve built a Republic that thrives on pluralism. In South America, poverty, gang warfare, and narcoterrorism rule the day. In Europe, a land war rages on. In Asia, autocrats squeeze out dissent at home and abroad. Slavery, violence, oppression and subjugation are themes of human history, and the continue today unabated. And yet, in North America, we are at peace.
The stability and prosperity of our nation is a blessing, and one that we should not disparage. Our freedoms allow us to work, associate, play, and pray as we so choose. It’s a freedom that few other humans, outside the ruling class, have experienced.
We should fight furiously to preserve them and enter each day with a sense of profound gratitude to our Creator.
More
Our sense of timing is incredible. Consider the level of comfort that we experience daily, with technologies and services that our predecessors could never have imagined. You might even be reading this article on a computer that fits into your pocket.
Although we have many vices, through the benefit of history books and the Bible, we can see that these vices have always existed. The prophet Jeremiah wrote about troubles all around him, and the troubles are still with us. Hatred, violence, and injustice are threads that weave throughout the story of humanity.
Raising young children is a master class in human psychology. They come into the world possessing nothing, and as they grow, they seek to build their collection. My children literally beg me to keep trash for their use, whether it be empty bottles or used shipping boxes. They seek more. We’re the same as adults.
The desire for more can easily run us into a ditch. Overspending, overconsumption, and overworking are all a grasping for more.
The real problem is that we’re reaching for the wrong “more.” We seek a net increase in the quantity of our possessions and social stature. We should instead be investing our energy into a life of the good mores.
More virtue, more contentment, more prayer, more passion, more freedom, more dedication, more fidelity, more wellness, more connection, more relationships, more thoughtfulness, more mindfulness; these are the mores worth pursing.
Lulled into comfort, gorged on food and possessions, we trend toward a life of less. This was not the life that God planned for us. He wants the very best for us, but we can only attain that if we align our thoughts, habits, and activities towards gaining the right kind of more.
Fatherless
A decade ago, at the height of the third-party mobile app ecosystem, I was trying tons of shiny new apps. One was a greeting card generator, that you could design in the app, and which would be printed and mailed to the recipient. It was fine, but I quickly moved on. I hadn’t given that app much thought until three weeks ago. They emailed me, letting me know that Father’s Day was around the corner, and that know that it could be a painful day for many. They wanted to give me the opportunity to opt-out from their Father’s Day marketing emails.
While Mother’s Day is all flowers, breakfast in bed, and late morning brunches, we’ve turned Father’s Day into a dour affair. In a way, it aligns perfectly with our collective attitudes and communication. For years now, the tides against men and fatherhood have risen to tsunami levels, unmooring men from the society expectations that, for millennia, held the basic building block of society, the family, together.
Undoubtedly, many men have abdicated their roles. We’ve lowered the bar so far on our expectations for men that their household responsibilities start and end with a regular income stream. Without the challenge that men instinctually crave, they become soft, lazy, and remote. They drift away, easily succumbing to base temptation.
It may be a convenient story to tell ourselves that fathers aren’t really necessary, but that’s not what the data shows. Single mother households are at an exponential risk of poverty. Children who come from homes without their father present are at a demonstrable disadvantage. Families without a father are like a plant that gets abundant sunshine, but no water; slowly, they wither.
There’s great wisdom in the fact that men share the title “father” with God. To be a father requires great sacrifice and heroic virtue. Sharing life with another person is a beautiful thing, but taking on the responsibility for another is something else. A father blazes a trail for his son to follow; he’s the first love of his daughter. He is not just a number on a bank statement, but an omnipresent force for good in the home.
Fatherlessness is the great scourge of our day, the predictable outcome of decades of anti-men rhetoric and attitudes. Instead of minimizing their importance, or treating them like feckless children, we should celebrate fathers who have laid down their lives in humble service of their families.
Symbiosis
Nature is a constant teacher. So many of the natural things that occur in our lives and in our relationships are mirrored in the animal kingdom. I find that the symbiosis that occurs between species is a great analog for marriage.
Every family has their defined roles, each member taking on a share of the tasks required to keep the household running. But in times of stress or crisis, those roles can be up for grabs. This is an undersold and poorly remembered attribute of healthy marriages. Spouses are jointly responsible for all of the needs of the family and the household.
So much of our world and cultural narrative are predicated on defined and rigid roles. Said another way, our dysfunctional view of marriage, relationships, and responsibilities sets us up for stress, fights, and failure. The reality of marriage, and the sharing of responsibilities within the bounds of an insoluble relationship, is loving and sacrificial symbiosis.
Empty
Halfway through my kids’ summer vacation, and I’ve hammered through my to-do list. Projects, tasks, and ideas from late 2022 are finally percolating to the top, and getting done. I’m eating great, working out, and watching movies in broad daylight. My schedule is my own, I am the Master & Commander of my schedule. My house is empty, and although I appear to be doing all the things that I desire, I, too, am empty.
It’s not a mistake for a father to share a piece of his identity with his family. My sense of emptiness comes not out of a dark place, but out of a place of truth. In a world where children are seen as an accessory, I sense my children’s essential nature.
There are plenty of stressors throughout my day, starting from basic safety and ratcheting all the way up to petty sibling rivalries and fake crying. But those moments of the day are incidental. They are part of what happens to a father, they are not what it is to be a father.
As the days tick down until I bring everyone home, and we settle back into the chaos and rigor of life, my mind drifts to their college and adult days. They will not always be this small, not always this willing to overlook my faults and failings. What kind of people do I want them to become? That is my work for today.
Quiet
Summer vacation is finally here, and the kids are off with their grandparents for two weeks. Alison and I drove home yesterday and, for the first time in nearly three years, are home alone.
Although we slept in this morning, and were slow to start our day, we were unbelievably productive before lunch. I made it through my whole list for the day, and the house feels clean and refreshed.
Life with small children is never easy, but it’s always full of great meaning and beauty. I’ll enjoy the quiet time ahead, focusing on what needs to be done. But I’ll look forward to when my children return, and things are less quiet.
New Beginnings
Growing up in a military family, moving was always a fact of life. Now with a family of my own, we’ve certainly moved a few times, but never like before.
A new beginning is just around the corner. After six years of life, and conquering Alison and I’s number one goal, it’s time to move on to new opportunities, and new right steps for her career and our family.
We’re starting to take things off the wall, preparing for painting and putting the house on the market. As I took that first hook out of the wall, I felt that moving feeling that filled my childhood. As the fresh paint dried, my nose picked up on that familiar scent that always signaled something new.
Our adventure continues, hopefully opening up broader horizons and brighter futures.