Marriage
Quiet Time Together
There’s a belief that whenever spouses have “together time,” they should be actively chatting or interacting. As humans, we need our quiet time to rest, recharge, and restore our creative energies. Together time shouldn’t always be active or talkative, spending quiet time together is just as important.
As the day comes to a close, the body begins preparing for sleep. With a good sleep hygiene routine, you can help your body get ready for bed so you don’t spend hours tossing and turning. As bedtime draws near, peaceful, quiet and calm activities can help you naturally get a better night’s sleep.
This quiet time can be spent with your wife. You’ll be spending time in close physical proximity, but not necessarily doing anything together. You might read the paper while she catches up on social media. You might both be reading a book, or finishing up some brainstorming.
We’ve grown too uncomfortable with silence. It can be a really nice experience to be together, in peace, with no noise, the quiet softly relaxing both of you. In fact, you might even find that you both come away from this time together feeling more connected than ever.
We need active times, we need quiet times. We need busy times, we need calm times. Our relationships require the same things as our bodies do. Live a balanced life ensuring that all needs are met.
Bedroom As Sacred Space
We have many rooms in our homes, but perhaps the most curious is the bedroom. We have an entire room, sometimes per person, dedicated solely to sleeping. In fact, depending on how much you’re home during the day, it might be the room that you spend the most time in. Your bedroom is a truly sacred space.
Your bedroom is a retreat from the world. It’s a place for peace and solitude. You prepare for your day in your bedroom, you might even pray or read there. It’s the one place in your home where there really are no expectations. When you’re in your bedroom, or more commonly referred to as “your room,” no one is expecting you to be working, cleaning, or preparing anything. It’s almost as if the time you spend there is completely your own.
Your room should be regarded by everyone as your sacred space. It should be a place that you can go and not be disturbed. If you need a moment to unwind, your room should be the place to do it.
You should never fight with your wife in your bedroom. Any fight would completely disrupt the peaceful atmosphere. Just as your bedroom is a place of refuge for you, it should be the same for her.
If you’re currently only using your bedroom for sleeping, I’d encourage you to start spending some more time there during the day. We need that peace and solitude in our lives. You could meditate, read, or pray. Above all, enjoy the quiet refuge that your bedroom offers you.
Your bedroom might just be the most peaceful room in your house. Use it.
Going the Extra Mile for Her
You can’t be a minimalist husband. Marriage demands something more. Marriage demands all that you have. Marriage demands your best because your wife deserves it. What does it mean to go the extra mile for your wife?
When it comes to productivity and physical space, I love minimalism. I love a clean, simple desk. I love lightweight tools that allow me to be agile. But I don’t believe that I should put as little effort as I can into my marriage. I don’t believe that my minimum effort is what Alison wants. So I need to stretch myself. I need to break the cycle of laziness and pour my whole self into her.
Experiences matter. When we get a new product, visit a new website, or see a new place, the things that we see, hear, feel, and do create an impression. Will I be getting another product from that company? Will I be back to this website? Will I recommend this destination to family and friends?
In your marriage, you’re the head of that company, the developer of the website, or the owner of the destination. That means that it’s up to you to create the best possible experience for your wife. You have dozens of chances to “wow” her every day. You have dozens of chances to make her life better in unexpected ways. In doing so, you’re giving your marriage what it needs to grow. You’re pouring your heart into this relationship and expressing your love.
Going the extra mile doesn’t have to be complicated or fancy. It’s the simple things that can make the biggest impact. It could be picking up the bedroom, warming up her towel, offering a back rub, or getting her a glass of water for her night stand. It might even be doing one of the suggested actions from the Catholic Husband Awesome campaign. (http://www.pinterest.com/catholichusband)
Small forward progress is the key to success. Forward progress will always drive your marriage to places you want to go.
“What’s the least possible effort I need to put in to have a great marriage?” Wrong question. Tend to your marriage and make her day special.
How to Fight with Your Wife
Fights in your marriage will happen. They will range in severity, but, from time to time, you will have a serious disagreement with your wife. There’s the right way to handle it and a wrong way to handle it. Usually, I choose the wrong way.
I hate fighting with Alison. We’re just so bad at it. No matter how much I think I’m right going into the argument, I always come out losing. My approach is all wrong. I don’t set it up right, I don’t have a clear argument to make, and so the further we get into it, the worse I do. What’s the right way to fight with your wife?
• Stop. Before you launch into this fight, just wait for a minute and go through this process.
• Review your motivations. Why do you feel that you need to bring this up? Are you seeking a greater personal gain? What’s really motivating this feeling that you need to get resolution to the alleged problem?
• Take 3 days. Emotions and fights don’t mix. If you’re emotional, you’ll make bad decisions. If what you’re concerned with is a real problem, then it will still be a problem in 3 days. What this time will give you is clarity. You’ll refine your thoughts to a point where you can clearly articulate them and not resort to personal attacks.
• How am I the problem? You and your wife are one. That means that if she’s doing something that’s annoying you, you might be the problem. It might not be clear to you right now, but there might be something that you’re doing that’s contributing to what she’s doing. Figure out how you’re a contributing factor and keep that in mind when deciding if you need to fight with her.
• Is this me trying to change her? Your wife isn’t a robot or a designer baby. You don’t get to change her.Why would you want to? You did choose to marry her for who she is, right? Trying to change your wife is unkind. So if that’s what’s driving you, I can guarantee you’ll lose.
Fighting with your wife is a part of the renewal that comes in marriage. The outcome helps you both grow from past mistakes and to not repeat them again. There are other ways to find renewal in your marriage. I’d recommend using the other ways as frequently as possible.
2 Years In
Two weeks ago, Alison and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary. I’d like to share with you a few thoughts about what I’ve learned so far.
I’ve got a long way to go to become the man I was made to be.
I don’t know when I’ll reach the finish line, but I know that I don’t have to wait until tomorrow to start being an awesome husband.
I’ll never stop growing as a man and as a husband.
I’ll never stop learning how to love her better.
101 Ways to Love
We all want to be someone great. But do we have the courage to be more than average?
When I turned 14, my parents gave me the gift of flight. My dad has been involved in aviation since 1980. Early in their marriage, my parents discussed how they wanted to give each of their children the ability to learn how to fly, if we wanted to. We were living in Oklahoma at the time, and my dad and I joined a glider club. I studied hard, practiced a lot, and two weeks after my 16th birthday, I earned my pilot’s license.
One of the great things about learning to fly in an environment of military aviators is that safety is in its proper place, first! I learned early on that in order to be a good pilot I’d have to be a constant learner. I needed to be honing my skills so that I was always getting better. Complacency kills in aviation, literally.
There’s a real sickness in our society. We have moved from reliance on husbands and fathers for leadership to an insistence that they live a life of complacency. We don’t want their opinions, we don’t want their input, we really just want them to bring home a paycheck and then get out of our way.
I believe that there are three different kinds of husbands. The great thing about these categories is that you as a husband have the ability to choose what kind of man you’re going to be. At any time you can shift into gear and kick butt. You can also slip into compliancy and revert to being a lame husband. Here’s a closer look at these categories;
• Dead weight. This dude, I don’t even understand him. He’s operating under the assumption that his paycheck is his contribution to the household. He doesn’t do work around the house unless it’s something he wants to do. He moans when he has to take out the trash. He grumbles when he has to mow the lawn. He doesn’t make any meaningful gestures of affection towards his wife. What a loser.
• Average. Most husbands are going to be in this category. Sure, you make an effort, but not as much as you could. You do your share of the chores, you tell your wife that you love her, and you keep the lawn mowed. But, you do things out of duty, not devotion. This husband has a checklist and is marking things off. It’s kind of like going to confession because you did something really wrong, not because you want to grow in your relationship with God.
• Saint. This is the guy. It’s all about the family, it’s all about love. He has hobbies, but none of them interfere with his family life. He has goals, but he crafts his schedule so that he spends the maximum time with his wife and kids. His ideal vacation includes his family. He’s in sync with his wife because he’s serving her well. He knows who he is, he knows he was called to this, and he’s all in.
From time to time, we’re all dead weight. There’s plenty of reasons why: stress, lousy day at work, and truthfully, the married life isn’t always easy. Most of the time, we’re average. And if we’re really dedicated, then we might reach up into the saint level.
Being a husband who’s a saint really isn’t that difficult physically. It’s a mental game. You have to have the courage to do the things necessary to love that well. You have to believe that you can.
In Marriage, Time Doesn’t Equal Success
In your lifetime, you’ll try many new things. You’ll be an amateur at a lot of hobbies. More important than experience, however, is confidence.
I’ve written before about my supposed qualifications for writing this blog, or really writing anything for that matter. The fact is, I’m confident that I’m not a marriage expert. At the same time, I’m confident that I’m getting better at it every day.
In marriage, time doesn’t equal success and it doesn’t equal wisdom. I know, as you probably do too, couples who were married for 30 years before getting divorced. It’s not like a talent or a job where you put in your time and then BOOM, you’re successful.
So what does this mean for you?
No matter how long you’ve been married, and how well you’ve done so far, today is the day that you start being awesome. Today is the day that you can start having an awesome marriage. It won’t be great right away, but it will be better than yesterday.
So if you’ve been lazy or lost the spark, now’s the time to get it back. Now’s the time to focus on your relationship and be a better player. Now’s the time to get in gear.
There are no marriage experts, only people who’ve successfully lived out their vocation.
It’s never too late to do the right thing.
How to Start Your End of Day Conversations
Questions are powerful. Through the power of questioning, you can open up a whole new world. You learn about people, who they are, their unique story and how they view the world.
Conversations are driven by questions, including conversations with your wife.
There is one question that can really set the gears of gratitude in motion. “What was the best thing that happened to you today?"
I miss Alison during the day. Certainly I’m engaged in many different activities, but no matter how great of a day I’m having, I really look forward to when she’s home and we have some down time together. One of the practices that I’m starting to implement is asking her that fantastic question, “What was the best thing that happened to you today?” I want to know about her day, but I really want to focus on something that she really enjoyed… something that she really knocked out of the park.
Our days have ups and downs. Some days, we’re on it! Other days, nothing seems to go right. Despite what each day looks like to us, there’s always at least one thing that went well. By asking what was the best part of your spouse’s day, you can both start looking at your day from a positive light. Instead of dealing with the negative that bubbles to the surface, you go hunting for the really good things.
The funny thing is, the more you look for the “best thing,” the more good you see. It helps to grow your gratitude muscles. You start to recognize that even in a bad day, there was plenty of good, if you’re willing to look for it. You become more grateful for your work and for the experiences that you had.
We are incredibly lucky to live the lives that we have. Experience deeper gratitude today by asking your wife about the best part of her day.
Candlelit Dinners
There’s something really special about candlelit dinners. I’m not sure which committee in history voted that candlelight is a requirement for romance, but they were right. The low flickering light puts everything in a better light.
But do candlelit dinners need to be saved for romantic dates?
Every night you (hopefully!) eat dinner with your wife. You sit at the dining room table, talk about your days and experiences. What if one night, your wife came home to find that you had made dinner and pulled out the candles?
Candlelit dinners are perfect at home, especially after a rough day. They might even be the perfect ice breaker after a martial fight. They can elevate a simple dinner, nothing outside of the ordinary, to a romantic one.
• Candlelight sets the mood. Low light helps us to relax. Have you ever seen anyone fighting at a candlelit dinner?
• Candlelight adds an air of elegance. When you pull out the candles at home, you take simple elements and make them special. By simply adding a few candles, you can completely transform your dining experience.
• Candlelight invites us to slow down. We’re always so busy. Someone spends an hour to cook dinner and we finish eating in 10 minutes. Dinner isn’t just a meal, it’s a special time to be together. It’s about sharing, communicating and caring.
So grab the candles and put them on your dinner table and watch your whole dinner experience transform.
Loving On A Budget
Romance doesn’t have to be expensive.
Alison and I have a series of financial goals for ourselves. We first want to be debt free, then we want to buy our first home with cash, and finally we want to invest in her career. These are massive goals which require focus. They also require every financial resource available to us. So how can we sustain our marriage without spending lots of money on dates, gifts, and flowers?
There are certainly an unlimited number of romantic gestures that cost money. I’m interested in doing many of them. At one time or another, we all find ourselves in a position similar to Alison and I. We want to show our wife that we love her, we want to spend time with her, but we don’t want it to cost money.
It was this very quandary that led me to writing the “101 Days of Love.” In it, I lay out 101 ways to show your wife that you love her, with the majority of them costing no money at all. I knew that in the days while Alison and I are becoming debt free I would want to show her that she means the world to me, and I would want to do it in unique and creative ways. I also knew that our budget wouldn’t give me the financial resources for anything too grand.
But that’s the great thing about marriage. It doesn’t survive on grand gestures. It thrives when each day we make smaller gestures. These small gestures are just big enough to make a big impact in her day. They’re tiny surprises that she will love.
We all have the resources around us to show her that she’s special. It just takes a little bit of imagination.