Marriage
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Make sure that she is benefiting in some way from the conclusion
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Make sure that you are benefiting in some way from the conclusion
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Make sure that you both benefiting is not going to negatively effect your family
The Genius of Marriage
The place of marriage in society is something that is being fiercely questioned in our world today. What is marriage? What is its purpose? Why do we give married couples certain benefits? As Catholics, it is quite clear. Marriage is both unitive and procreative and benefits are granted by the State because the State has a vested interest in the regeneration of its population in stable homes.
While some make the argument that marriage is based solely on “love,” my experience as a new dad tells a different story. My experience has illustrated quite clearly that the genius of the architecture of marriage is the gender differences.
As a man, I think quite differently than my wife. We can approach the same problem with two different solutions. It’s during the times when we take advantage of our different approaches that we really succeed.
A few days after bringing our son home, he was crying inconsolably. Since I have never really been around young kids, I didn’t know what to do. My wife, however, tapped into her maternal instincts and put some sugar water on his pacifier and he calmed right down. My solution was to hold him, hers was to medicate. One or the other may not have worked, but together, they both did and he calmed right down.
There is something special in our gender differences. Neither of us is better than the other, but together, we are better than alone. Our thought processes, our emotions, and our intellects meld together to create the best possible outcome. The diversity of thought provides the best chance for the right solution.
When we turn the world selfishly towards us, we neglect the innate architecture that makes it so powerful, so beautiful. Sometimes it’s best to realize that God has the bigger picture in mind, and we know that things end better when we place our trust in Him.
Safe in Her Arms
Many of us have some major trust issues. We’ve all been hurt deeply by someone we love. Those experiences can be traumatizing to us at the time. They can also have lasting effects on our future relationships.
During my last year of high school, I became very sick. I was constantly missing class and the medications that I was on left me dazed and confused. Over the last several weeks of school, my friends drifted away and I lost most of my relationships. As an 18 year old getting ready to leave the nest for the first time, it was difficult to handle. I eventually adjusted quite well, and the whole experience led me to study Philosophy in college. However, years later, I found that I was behaving defensively towards people who had done nothing to offend my trust-in large part because of those bad past experiences.
The great thing about marriage is that it is lasting. It is a permanent commitment, a life-long bond. With that level of commitment, you are able to enjoy great trust with your wife. There will be times that she will hurt you, and you will hurt her, too. The great thing is that those small hurts will be resolved through contrition and the bond you share.
There is no shame in marriage. Your wife sees you for who you truly are… and loves you still! It is a glimpse into the love of the Divine, a love that you confer on each other in the marital embrace.
The law even assures this deep trust between spouses. There is a recognized legal term called “Spousal Privilege” which, in most cases, prevents one spouse from being compelled to testify against another.
This trust is deep, it is pure, and it is awe-inspiring. It is one of the many benefits of marriage.
Lay down your hurts, lay down your suspicions. She loves you, she wants what’s best for you, and you want the same for her.
Praying for Her
As husbands, we are called to support our wives. That support comes in many different forms. It may be materially, emotionally or mentally. It must include spiritually.
I’ve had good times in my spiritual life and I’ve had bad times. Of course, I prefer the good times. One of the main challenges that we face is when the prayer life becomes stale and too routine. Occasionally I change up what my morning and evening prayer look like. I never change it to the point where I’m not praying for my wife. She’s got a lot going on with her career and with our new baby. By praying for her, I can add another layer of support to her life.
We are the spiritual head of the household. Everything that we do affects our family and they will take our lead. If our family doesn’t pray together regularly, it’s because we haven’t caused that to happen.
In fact, I’d make the argument that we have tremendous influence in the spirituality of our family. I seriously doubt that your wife would resist your proposal to increase family prayer time. So, let’s make it happen.
Even if you have a great family prayer life, you need to have a solid personal prayer life to complement it. In those times you can especially intercede for your wife. You know when she’s hurting or scared or needs an extra boost. In those times, you can be there silently supporting her in ways that she doesn’t directly see. Yet, she’ll still benefit from the graces that your generous prayers gain for her.
Praying for your wife can help you more closely attend to her needs. As you pray, you draw closer to God, who sustains your marriage. As that relationship is strengthened, so will your relationship with your wife. It turns your focus even further from yourself and moves it to her. And that is a beautiful thing.
She needs your prayers. So pray.
How Nature Can Enhance Your Marriage
One of the biggest struggles that married couples face is the monotony of the normal. Married life, on a day to day basis, is quite normal and mundane. What marriages need are excitement and adventure!
I spent this past summer walking… a lot. I found an awesome route that fit perfecting into my time restraints. I drive the streets along my walking path daily. But there is something new and amazing about walking. I saw things, amazing things, that I never saw while driving. I saw flowers come and go, I watched families play, dogs run, and life happen. I saw amazing sunrises, breathtaking sunsets, and all types of clouds. I only got to experience all of those things because I spent time outside.
Quality time is important for your marriage. In fact, if you don’t have quality non-sexual bonding time with your wife, you’re going to have a long and difficult marriage. Nature presents the perfect solution to the boredom problem.
Outdoor activity with your wife can vary in intensity. It can be low-impact like walking or high-impact like mountain biking. You can hike a trail, relax on a beach, go swimming in an (outdoor) pool, or go for a jog. The activity can suit what you’re in the mood for and you can stop and start at any time!
It’s good for us to be outside! The air in your house has a lot of stale air. The outdoor expanse is fresh and new. It’s good for the soul!
Exercise can improve your overall health. As you experience nature together, you’ll both get healthier. That improvement in health will lead to many more (healthy) years together.
Nature is God’s gift to us. He created it all, and quite well! He made it so that we could engage with nature and enjoy it. The beauty alone is justification enough.
There are truly are endless possibilities. If you and your wife want to do it, you probably can. Horseback riding on the beach, walking barefoot in a field, sailing on a lake. Nature is an endless expanse of opportunity for activities.
If you’re looking for a way to grow with your wife, there’s no better place to do it than outside. You’ll make memories to last a lifetime and reap the health benefits to go along with it.
Invite Her to Your Element
A great thing about being married is that your spouse is not you.
You have been raised in a particular set of circumstances and with certain opportunities that have shaped you into the man you are today. You have your hobbies and interests because of your upbringing. That is awesome!
Being married makes it twice the fun!
Your wife is uniquely her own, which presents a great opportunity for shared learning. You have the chance to show her the things you’re passionate about and you get to share the experience with her. The same goes for her showing you her world.
This fun can only happen if you invite her into your element.
She won’t love everything. She may enjoy it, but not as much as you. Or she may become just as passionate about the activity or hobby as you are.
You can’t live a truly integrated married life if you both spend all of your leisure time separately. If you spend all Saturday watching College Football and she spends it shopping, where was your opportunity for quality time?
Don’t assume you know how she feels about your interests or activities. She may just be waiting for your invitation.
The Most Commonly Missed Opportunity
Regret is a terrible thing. It only happens when we look back and realized we had a missed opportunity. As guys, there is one scenario that should cause us nothing but regret. Not taking our wife’s offer to go shopping with her.
My wife and I are evenly yoked, as the kids say. We are both very pragmatic. When it comes to her Birthday or Christmas, she asks for very practical things. On many occasions, she has had to go shopping for a few items or, more recently, to buy maternity clothes. She doesn’t like shopping alone. Most days, she’ll invite me to go with her and most days, I accept. Her shopping habits make it pretty easy for me to go with.
When she asks you to go shopping, she’s not really asking you to go shopping. She’s asking to spend time with you. It’s maybe not something that you get a lot of joy out of, but it is is quality time.
When your wife asks you to go shopping, I’d encourage you to accept for a few reasons.
First, shopping provides the chance to exercise together. More and more research is proving that walking is as effective as other, more intense, forms of exercise in terms of building heart health. There is also strong evidence (namely, me) that by simply walking more you can lose some serious weight. You can do a lot of walking while shopping making shopping (almost!) a form of exercise.
Next, you get to share the experience together. The buying process can be very exciting, if you have the money. Think back to the last time you bought something that you wanted to buy. You surveyed all of the options, got opinions, did research, and then made the purchase. The buying process, when done correctly and in a healthy way, can be extremely relaxing and enjoyable. Why wouldn’t you want to share an experience of that level with your wife?
Last, it can give you awesome insight into gift shopping for her. Between birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and Valentine’s day, there’s plenty of chances for you to give your wife a gift. If she spends her time shopping for clothes at H&M, you’ll know that you can probably skip Hot Topic. You can even find that “surprise” gift that she looked at in the store several months before, passed on and forgot about. What does that make you at gift time? A hero. Thoughtful. Loving. Winning.
“Shopping” really isn’t shopping. It’s quality time. So surprise her next time and go with her.
Shared Goals
The power of unity in your marriage can’t be underestimated.
When you and your wife move together towards something, there is an incredible force at play.
The strength of unity in your marriage gives you a key advantage over single people. When you and your wife are moving towards a goal, one of you will want to quit. There will be a moment of weakness and you’ll want to back out. She won’t let you. When you both cross the finish line, there will be an amazing feeling of accomplishment.
Shared goals will cause you both to do things that you didn’t think were possible, and that certainly wouldn’t happen with you alone.
For example, my wife and I went shopping for baby furniture recently. I didn’t have a clue what things she was asking for, so I decided I had to go into a store and physically see the options. We shopped for three hours and there were a few close calls.
We made the purchase at the last store: The Salvation Army. We got a three piece set for $25. Bingo.
Over the following four days, we sanded, painted, and moved our new furniture and there was an amazing unity in our marriage. We spent as much time as we could together, working towards our shared goal: getting the nursery ready.
It doesn’t just have to be about baby furniture. Setting goals with your wife can be about whatever you wish to accomplish. You will both sacrifice (time, financial resources, etc.) to reach that goal.
Sit down with your wife, set some goals, and experience the power of unity.
When Your Love Languages Don’t Translate
There may come a point in your marriage when you realize something. You and your wife may communicate differently.
You may want to show her an act of love that she’s not really interested in.
I recently got my wife a new iPhone. As an Apple geek, the unboxing is a magical experience. They have created a really brilliant user experience that makes even opening the box a great experience.
My wife was working and I had gone out and gotten the phone. I wanted to show her that I loved her by having it all set up and ready to go as soon as she got home. It was a way for me to show her my love. I would take all of the hassle of the new phone setup out of her life.
The problem was that she wanted to set it up. It was something that she enjoyed.
I could have gone through and just done it and she’d probably would’ve been ok. But I didn’t.
In that moment, at that time of decision, I decided that even though this was a way to show her my love, it was not one that she wanted.
So, I simply looked for another way to remind her that she is the love of my life.
Bonding
Bonding.
We all have our favorite “bonding” activities to do with our spouse. Maybe it is curling up with a good book, staying in and watching a movie, or going for a walk in the neighborhood.
I always thought that bonding was a nice idea, but it seemed to be just an emotional kick, and nothing more.
I was wrong.
While reading a book recently by a family counselor, I discovered that there is an entire body of research in the field of neuroscience that reinforces the positive effect of bonding.
As human persons, we are literally designed and wired to commit and bond with one person in our lives, especially in terms of sexuality.
When we enter into a sexual relationship, our bodies release chemicals that cause the bonding process to begin and strengthen. The longer you’re with the person, the more powerful the bond. It is like putting in a plug to an outlet, it is a perfect, easy fit. The chemicals cause your brain to develop a deep-rooted attachment to that person.
As your attachment grows, your brain starts to exhibit the feelings of missing that person, “warmth” when you’re around them, and terror at the thought of losing them forever.
The problem is that in our interchangeable society, when we “break-up” with a sexual partner, your brain doesn’t like it.
The author referred to it as taking a hammer and going crazy on the prongs of your plug. You then have bent prongs still trying to attach to the same outlet.
So, the next time you enter into a sexual relationship, your brain resists. Psychologists call this “defensive attachment.” You have to fight and struggle and you may get the plug to go into the outlet, but it is a tentative attachment, prone to easy disconnect.
As you might guess, defensive attachment is very unhealthy. Our brains were not made for temporary connections.
All of this very fascinating science points back to a simple fact. Those individuals who abstain from sex before they are married, and have only one sexual partner (their spouse) in their lifetime, have the best possible chance, from a neurobiological standpoint, at a lasting, satisfying, and fulfilling relationship.
Sold.
The Art of Negotiation
One of the most critical skills you can develop in your marriage is the art of negotiation.
Marriage is all about compromise. Since you and your wife are two different people, you will have times where you completely disagree. However, more likely would be that you and your wife are similar viewpoints, so your disagreements may be over a minor part of something, as opposed to a major part or even the whole topic.
Any time you approach a major decision, enter into the negotiation process with a spirit of developing a win-win-win scenario.
It is a bad idea to try to rip your wife off. She’s not going anywhere. Ever.
It will take some time, but learn how she likes to negotiate. Understand how her thinking process works. It is probably not going to be your preferred method, but you have to gain her consensus, so deal with it.
When crafting a win-win-win, do the following.
Impulse buys are where the win-win-win are critical.
Say you and your wife are at an electronics store and see a Wii. You can both find ways immediately as to how it will benefit both of you. If you were just gaining mutual consensus, you’d be done.
But wait. You are two days away from getting your electricity cut-off from non-payment. That Wii money could be used to get your bill back in balance.
In this case, the Wii doesn’t meet the third criteria, so you must pass on it.
Gaining mutual consensus ensures that the decision that you’re about to make is going to do something for you and your wife.
Adding the third win makes sure it doesn’t screw up your life.