Fatherhood
Giving Everything for Your Kids
Love is a concept that’s been distorted and misunderstood. We all yearn to hear the words “I love you,” but few of us can comprehend what it truly means until we’re tested. It’s easy to tell someone that you love them when all is going well, but what about when the whole world has been turned upside down? I think the best model of love in our world is that of a parent for their child.
The parent-child relationship is the epitome of love. The child can do nothing for the parent nor can they do anything for themselves. They are wholly reliant on the parent for their welfare and wellbeing. There’s something instinctual as a parent that causes you to want to give your child everything that you have. Even when you’re completely exhausted and they’ve been whiny and destructive all day, you still draw that bath and read them a story before bed.
I think that kids bring out the best in people. It’s like a certain operating program was hidden within us all of these years and when we have a child for the first time, we switch over. We become less self-focused and instead turn our time, action, and attention to our kids.
This transformation was illustrated for me a few weeks ago. Alison was away at a conference and Benedict was with his grandparents, leaving me home alone for three days. I caught myself multiple times each day doing things to ensure Benedict’s comfort and safety, even though he was no where around. I spoke quietly on the phone when in my office (which is next to his room), I moved the blind drawstrings out of reach so he couldn’t hurt himself on them, and I even kept closing the baby gates.
Kids change everything about us and how we operate, but for the better. As I contemplate the amount of love that I have for Benedict and how deeply I sacrifice for him, I better comprehend what love is. Beyond that, I gain a better understanding of God’s love for us.
Children demand everything from us, and we willingly give it. May the dynamics of this relationship encourage us to live holier lives and to be less self-centered.
Parenting: Exhilarating and Exhausting
Now that more of my friends are getting married and having kids, my Facebook timeline, or whatever we’re calling it now, is filled with pictures of children. Heck, I look at my own Instagram and it’s basically just pictures of Benedict. To some it may be annoying, but I think this all speaks to a deeper truth. Children are the most important thing in their parent’s lives.
The selflessness required of parents is absolute. For the hours when the children are awake, they take the full attention of their parents. Parents eat last, clean constantly, and are the cruise director for their children’s lives. When the children are asleep, the parent is on alert for any cries or sounds of distress, checking constantly to ensure their safety and welfare. It’s altogether awesome and exhausting.
While there are certainly some selfish parents out there, on the whole, I think that parenthood awakens within the average adult a deep desire to serve. It’s basic, it’s noble, it’s human, and it’s something to aspire to.
To the parents reading this blog, I applaud you. To those who wish to be, start preparing now.
Be Your Child’s Rock
A father’s role in his children’s lives is unique. I’ve written before about how fathers are irreplaceable, but today I want to focus on how you’re a rock for your children. We all have needs. We want to feel emotionally secure and safe. Kids are no different. As fathers, our children depend on us to help them meet that feeling of safety.
Helping your kids feel safe, stable, and secure is a daunting endeavor, and certainly one with high stakes. That’s why cultivating a healthy and rich relationship with them is so important. Being present to them and making sure that they’re the most important thing in your life is critical. Playing with them, talking with them, and spending one-on-one time with them are all great ways to cultivate and grow your relationship.
I was recently reading an article on Dr. Meg Meeker’s blog about a father whose daughter informed him that she was a boy. Dr. Meeker’s response, which is well worth the read, reinforces that, especially for daughters nearing their teen years, fathers need to to be there for their kids, to fight for them, and to give them special attention.
If you’re everything for your child today, they’ll know who to trust when things are difficult. The behavior of a child who acts out and makes risky decisions is indicative of a poor family life, or at the very least a poor relationship with their parents. That’s not to say that every child who has a great relationship with their parents won’t misbehave. It does say, however, that the emotional stability and security that those relationships bring will result in kids having better coping skills to deal with the stresses and pressures that push kids towards bad choices.
Being everything for your children can be difficult, but it’s all about relationships. Maintain your role as a parent, be generous with your time, loving in your interactions, and firm in your boundaries. Investing heavily in your relationships with your children will pay dividends later in life.
The Gift of A Child’s Life
Recently I’ve been looking back at old videos of Benedict. Man that kid was fat. What also strikes me is that knowing him today, I can totally see him and his personality in these videos. He shows the same curiosity, cheerfulness, and desire to be around people as he displays in his actions today. I’m so glad that we’ve captured many of those moments so that he’ll have them to enjoy later in life.
Each day with Benedict is highly structured and fairly predictable. We do the same sorts of things, in the same order, at generally the same time. Yet, being able to be a witness to him growing right before me is such a gift. Showing him the world, teaching him new words and concepts, and sharing experiences is a blast. Not to mention so many things he does are just so cute!
Days tend to fly by, and each one, once gone, can’t come back. It’s this fact that should inspire us, as parents, to take full advantage of every moment we have with our kids. We may have other things we want to be doing, or even things we should be doing. We may be tempted to put them to bed early or find other ways to get some more alone time. Instead of finding ways to make more time for ourselves, let’s just enjoy the time we have together.
I know that Benedict won’t be this little forever, but while he is, I’ll enjoy getting down to his level and seeing the look of glee on his face as he runs to give me a hug.
The Lynchpin of Education
Throughout the course of my education, I have had hundreds of teachers. I can say that, to the best of my recollection, only one didn’t have passion. I had ineffective teachers, I had “bad” teachers, but nearly all of them had an intense passion for their careers, for their vocations. This deep desire to do well for their students is a unique asset in the teaching profession.
Our education system isn’t perfect and there’s lots of debate as to why and what we can be doing better. We hear about solutions that include more spending, new textbooks, more electronics in the classroom, and even comprehensive solutions like the Common Core. Schools are increasingly providing breakfast and after-school programming in an attempt to keep kids captivated and engaged as long as possible. Yet, it’s my belief that those things won’t fix the problem. Essentially, parents are failing in their basic duty to provide for and educate their children.
The more active and involved in a child’s education the parents are, the better the child will perform, learn, and succeed. Teachers push the proverbial rock uphill all day, only to show up in the classroom the next morning and start all over. Students return from summer break and have to relearn things that they had already been taught. Parents aren’t doing enough to reinforce learned principles and encouraging learning outside of school hours.
Parents are the primary educators of their children. As parents, it’s our job to ensure that our kids understand that learning doesn’t just happen in a classroom, that reading isn’t just for homework, and that education isn’t a bell-to-bell endeavor. Teachers and schools are a tool in our toolbox to help educate our kids, but at the end of the day, it’s up to us to reinforce learning and expand it.
This is no easy task. In fact, I sometimes have to remind myself that things I consider small, trivial, or nonevents are completely new and wonderful in the mind of Benedict. Even just the act of a crayon making a mark on paper is enough to elicit a gasp from him. It requires that I think like he does, to steer him in new directions and teach him new things.
I want to challenge the notion of education for my son. I want him to be a vigorous reader, an avid explorer, and perennially curious. I want him to know that education doesn’t just happen in a classroom and that learning never ends. It’s a lofty goal, but I know that as a parent, I have that teacherly passion for him; I want him to go far and I’ll do whatever it takes to help him get there.
The Surprises of Being A Stay-At-Home Parent
Now that I’ve been a full-time caregiver to Benedict (read “stay-at-home parent”) for just over a year, I can admit that it’s nothing like what I thought. Part of this reality is of my own choosing and the other part is unexpected reality. Our house is too small and Benedict’s needs are too limited right now for my duties to expand to take up my entire day. I can clean the house in an hour and Benedict is still napping for 4-6 hours during the day. Were I not working, the rest of my hours awake would just be play time for me. Here’s what I’ve learned.
Being a stay-at-home parent is lonely. I understand now why there are so many mom groups. My only interaction with adults on a regular basis is with Alison in the evening. That means that thoughts, ideas, and inspirations need to stay in my head until at least 6:30pm. Then, if she’s had a bad day, my only interaction with an adult for that day was a negative one. Not good. The temptation is to shift blame onto Alison, but that’s not fair. I use this blog as an outlet for many of my creative inspirations during the day, but I’ve also found that reading books and the newspaper are helpful stimulation for the adult part of my brain.
Being a stay-at-home parent is to embody the corporal works of mercy. On a good day, I’ll hit 4 of the 7, meaning that Benedict isn’t sick, in jail, or deceased. Alison sacrifices by leaving home and supporting our family. I sacrifice by caring for our son and taking on most of the domestic responsibilities. There are days when I’m resentful, but when I turn my thoughts back on the works of mercy and find that my work is holy, I’m able to better cope.
Being a stay-at-home parent is anything but a life of luxury. I’m in control of Benedict and I’s schedule, but by and large, his needs and the needs of the household control my daily direction. Between Benedict, household chores, and the work that I’ve taken on, I have 60-90 minutes a day where I can do something fun for myself. In that way, Alison and I share very similar schedules.
The experience of stay-at-home parents in my generation are going to be very different than stay-at-home parents of previous generations. The Internet has made it possible to literally work from home and bring in a modest income doing so. That means that both working and stay-at-home parents alike will have to juggle work/life balance, all the while not allowing resentment to spoil their marriages.
The life of parents is pure sacrifice and the life of the family is pure beauty.
Reinforce Family Values
One of the most difficult challenges that parenting presents is passing on family values. If you value health, then don’t give your kids three scoops of ice cream for dessert every night. If you value community, share a meal around the table at least once a day. Engage in family activities that reinforce family identity, values, and mutual growth.
Activities drive behavior. Regular participation in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Adoration, Stations of the Cross and family prayer will help to cultivate a rich and meaningful interior life for your kids. Regular physical activities such as walking, hiking, or going on bike rides will help your children grow healthy and strong, but also reinforce the importance of taking care of one’s body.
We need to be doing activities that foster mutual growth. Planning, preparing, and sharing family meals is one of the best ways to accomplish mutual growth. Kids learn the important skill of cooking, everyone will eat healthier, and the shared conversation at dinner reinforces in a child’s mind that they’re loved and valued. Spending time together reading each day will show your children that learning isn’t just for school and that reading is the critical tool that will take them to the next level intellectually and professionally.
What we truly need to be doing is building a greater sense of family identity. Teach your kids about your heritage and expose them to different cultures. Make togetherness and connectedness staples of the family life. Make each other a priority over everything else. Parenting is a complex and multifaceted challenge. We have many things to juggle and important lessons to impart. If we start by reinforcing our family values, all other lessons and growth will flow forth.
Kids Are Not A Burden
Benedict has been sleeping less lately, meaning that he requires more entertainment during the day. He’s mostly satisfied if I’m at least in the same room as him, but he won’t let me work at the nook that we have in the family room without him sitting on my lap. As his behaviors evolve, I have less time to get work done. While some may view it as an inconvenience, I don’t. It simply means I need to be more productive while he sleeps, and ensure that I’m getting up at 5am so I can get everything done.
Children increasingly want to interact with their parents. They need love and attention. While some, mistakenly, view this as a burden, I don’t. I enjoy it! I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home, on my schedule. That means that every moment that I’m not working, I can spend with my little buddy. Children aren’t a burden; they’re a blessing.
Parenthood ushers in an era of the “new normal.” As we travel throughout life’s many stages, we change and adapt to new circumstances. While we may no longer have the liberty of full control of our schedules, we certainly maintain enough flexibility to keep hold of the essential elements of our day. Planning out your day realistically will help you to find new times to accomplish the things you need done.
Children are real paradigm breakers. Their needs reshape your day, which honestly does nothing but open up new possibilities. I used to walk alone every day, and now Benedict and I have the perfect walking time carved out in the morning. That means that we not only get another hour together, but he gets a guaranteed hour, every day, of fresh air. We also have way too much fun playing inside. Being silly with your kids is a lot of fun, and a great stress reliever.
One of the things that I try to be most intentional about is being grateful for this time with him. Benedict won’t be 2'6" forever and, sadly, there will come a stage in his development when he wants nothing to do with me. As for these days, I’m doing all I can to be focused on him during playtime and to make him giggle.
We’ve become a selfish people who view children as a roadblock. Nothing could be more wrong. By adjusting your schedule, realizing new possibilities, and being grateful for the time that you have, you can experience life the way it was made to be.
Be A Brave Parent
Most days, I’m surprised that I’m a father. Certainly Benedict has been in my life for nearly two years, yet actually being in these shoes, it’s still quite shocking. I know that the challenge of parenthood is going to be the biggest one that I face, and I know that it evolves every single day as he grows. I’m learning all that I can so that I can help Benedict be a man, with a clean heart and a free conscience.
Too many parents strike the wrong balance in their relationship with their children. They attempt an approach that places undue stress, pressure, and anxiety on their child by letting them parent themselves in critical areas. The results are oftentimes disastrous, leaving lifelong scars. We need to be brave. We need to be brave enough to let our children be kids by being their parents.
A child is a beautiful gift, a life waiting to be formed, and they need loving supervision. As we all get to experience the benefits of advancing technology, we need to understand how it truly is a double-edged sword. It can carry us forward and open up new worlds to us, but it can also drag us into dark places and destroy our family. Giving your child unfettered, unmonitored access to the internet not only opens them up to the opportunity to form dangerous addictions or engage in cyber bullying, it also opens them up to attacks. I encourage you to take deliberate steps to limit the use of technology by your children, and in that way, help them to understand the benefits and risks, so that they might make better choices.
As a parent, you’re always teaching. We are, after all, the primary educators of our children. The topics won’t always be math, science, and history, and truthfully, we should be more concerned with their human formation. I’d rather have a child who doesn’t know his times tables but is a gentle and caring person than have an educated jerk. Our instructions, in bite-sized pieces should cover chivalry, modesty, and decision making. They need these lessons so that they might live in the world with the knowledge of how to treat people and live in community.
We don’t raise kids, we raise adults. Through our actions, guidance, and behavioral corrections, we’re forming healthy adults. Eventually, the training wheels will come off. The question is, will they be prepared?
Be Emotionally Present
Growing up, one of the staples of my day happened just before bed. As I lay in bed, my dad would come into my room and we’d have a “goodnight talk.” These few minutes just before I fell asleep would be full of conversation, jokes, and inevitably, some tickling. We could discuss whatever I wanted, I could ask any question because it was my time. Perhaps my favorite goodnight talk would be when my dad “made” me into bread, which was essentially a few minutes of tickling, rolling, and general silliness. There’s so much talk in parenting circles today about the importance and impact of strong fathers and my dad’s goodnight talks could be a case study in effective parenting. Perhaps the most difficult part about his being deployed so often was that we’d miss out on many goodnight talks.
In a world of distractions, it’s critically important that we, as husbands and fathers, be ready to drop whatever we’re doing for our family. We know that downtime is often filled with surfing the internet, mindlessly playing a game on our phone, or any number of other activities. These distractions tend to leave the family in a group of silos, each doing their own thing completely cut off from one another.
While alone time is certainly a good thing, time together is also a good thing. Spend some of your free time doing something together, like watching a movie without phones or reading together in the family room. Yet, the danger is not in the time or the activity itself. The danger is becoming so engaged in something, that you’re unable to be emotionally present to your family.
Being emotionally present is the same as being emotionally available. The lives of your entire family, though moving in the same general direction, are essentially different timelines. That means that while you’re grilling on the deck, your daughter might get into a fight with a friend. While you’re reading a book, your wife might be in a place where she really needs to process an issue from work with you. While you’re planning an important project, your son might need to talk to you about a situation he’s found himself in. If you’re emotionally present to your family, you’re able and willing to stop doing whatever you’re doing, at any point, and give your full time and attention to the family member that needs you.
While this may seem to be an inefficient time management technique, the fact is that you’ll still have plenty of time to work through whatever you’re working on. Problems aren’t constantly boiling over and requiring your attention, and honestly, it’s far more important for your family to know that you’re available than for them to actually use your availability. Just the fact that they know that they can come to you at any time, for any reason is really all that they need to feel secure, and to be better able to work through their problems independently before bringing them to you. Beyond being available, have dedicated times for communication, like my dad’s goodnight talks. This will create a chance for your wife to share whatever is going on her in life and for your kids to be reminded, again, that they’re loved.
Having an emotionally present husband and father is a huge asset to your family. Your kids will be more stable and better able to thrive in their environment and your wife will know that she can rely on you at any moment when she really needs you.