Fatherhood
The Lynchpin of Education
Throughout the course of my education, I have had hundreds of teachers. I can say that, to the best of my recollection, only one didn’t have passion. I had ineffective teachers, I had “bad” teachers, but nearly all of them had an intense passion for their careers, for their vocations. This deep desire to do well for their students is a unique asset in the teaching profession.
Our education system isn’t perfect and there’s lots of debate as to why and what we can be doing better. We hear about solutions that include more spending, new textbooks, more electronics in the classroom, and even comprehensive solutions like the Common Core. Schools are increasingly providing breakfast and after-school programming in an attempt to keep kids captivated and engaged as long as possible. Yet, it’s my belief that those things won’t fix the problem. Essentially, parents are failing in their basic duty to provide for and educate their children.
The more active and involved in a child’s education the parents are, the better the child will perform, learn, and succeed. Teachers push the proverbial rock uphill all day, only to show up in the classroom the next morning and start all over. Students return from summer break and have to relearn things that they had already been taught. Parents aren’t doing enough to reinforce learned principles and encouraging learning outside of school hours.
Parents are the primary educators of their children. As parents, it’s our job to ensure that our kids understand that learning doesn’t just happen in a classroom, that reading isn’t just for homework, and that education isn’t a bell-to-bell endeavor. Teachers and schools are a tool in our toolbox to help educate our kids, but at the end of the day, it’s up to us to reinforce learning and expand it.
This is no easy task. In fact, I sometimes have to remind myself that things I consider small, trivial, or nonevents are completely new and wonderful in the mind of Benedict. Even just the act of a crayon making a mark on paper is enough to elicit a gasp from him. It requires that I think like he does, to steer him in new directions and teach him new things.
I want to challenge the notion of education for my son. I want him to be a vigorous reader, an avid explorer, and perennially curious. I want him to know that education doesn’t just happen in a classroom and that learning never ends. It’s a lofty goal, but I know that as a parent, I have that teacherly passion for him; I want him to go far and I’ll do whatever it takes to help him get there.
The Surprises of Being A Stay-At-Home Parent
Now that I’ve been a full-time caregiver to Benedict (read “stay-at-home parent”) for just over a year, I can admit that it’s nothing like what I thought. Part of this reality is of my own choosing and the other part is unexpected reality. Our house is too small and Benedict’s needs are too limited right now for my duties to expand to take up my entire day. I can clean the house in an hour and Benedict is still napping for 4-6 hours during the day. Were I not working, the rest of my hours awake would just be play time for me. Here’s what I’ve learned.
Being a stay-at-home parent is lonely. I understand now why there are so many mom groups. My only interaction with adults on a regular basis is with Alison in the evening. That means that thoughts, ideas, and inspirations need to stay in my head until at least 6:30pm. Then, if she’s had a bad day, my only interaction with an adult for that day was a negative one. Not good. The temptation is to shift blame onto Alison, but that’s not fair. I use this blog as an outlet for many of my creative inspirations during the day, but I’ve also found that reading books and the newspaper are helpful stimulation for the adult part of my brain.
Being a stay-at-home parent is to embody the corporal works of mercy. On a good day, I’ll hit 4 of the 7, meaning that Benedict isn’t sick, in jail, or deceased. Alison sacrifices by leaving home and supporting our family. I sacrifice by caring for our son and taking on most of the domestic responsibilities. There are days when I’m resentful, but when I turn my thoughts back on the works of mercy and find that my work is holy, I’m able to better cope.
Being a stay-at-home parent is anything but a life of luxury. I’m in control of Benedict and I’s schedule, but by and large, his needs and the needs of the household control my daily direction. Between Benedict, household chores, and the work that I’ve taken on, I have 60-90 minutes a day where I can do something fun for myself. In that way, Alison and I share very similar schedules.
The experience of stay-at-home parents in my generation are going to be very different than stay-at-home parents of previous generations. The Internet has made it possible to literally work from home and bring in a modest income doing so. That means that both working and stay-at-home parents alike will have to juggle work/life balance, all the while not allowing resentment to spoil their marriages.
The life of parents is pure sacrifice and the life of the family is pure beauty.
Reinforce Family Values
One of the most difficult challenges that parenting presents is passing on family values. If you value health, then don’t give your kids three scoops of ice cream for dessert every night. If you value community, share a meal around the table at least once a day. Engage in family activities that reinforce family identity, values, and mutual growth.
Activities drive behavior. Regular participation in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Adoration, Stations of the Cross and family prayer will help to cultivate a rich and meaningful interior life for your kids. Regular physical activities such as walking, hiking, or going on bike rides will help your children grow healthy and strong, but also reinforce the importance of taking care of one’s body.
We need to be doing activities that foster mutual growth. Planning, preparing, and sharing family meals is one of the best ways to accomplish mutual growth. Kids learn the important skill of cooking, everyone will eat healthier, and the shared conversation at dinner reinforces in a child’s mind that they’re loved and valued. Spending time together reading each day will show your children that learning isn’t just for school and that reading is the critical tool that will take them to the next level intellectually and professionally.
What we truly need to be doing is building a greater sense of family identity. Teach your kids about your heritage and expose them to different cultures. Make togetherness and connectedness staples of the family life. Make each other a priority over everything else. Parenting is a complex and multifaceted challenge. We have many things to juggle and important lessons to impart. If we start by reinforcing our family values, all other lessons and growth will flow forth.
Kids Are Not A Burden
Benedict has been sleeping less lately, meaning that he requires more entertainment during the day. He’s mostly satisfied if I’m at least in the same room as him, but he won’t let me work at the nook that we have in the family room without him sitting on my lap. As his behaviors evolve, I have less time to get work done. While some may view it as an inconvenience, I don’t. It simply means I need to be more productive while he sleeps, and ensure that I’m getting up at 5am so I can get everything done.
Children increasingly want to interact with their parents. They need love and attention. While some, mistakenly, view this as a burden, I don’t. I enjoy it! I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home, on my schedule. That means that every moment that I’m not working, I can spend with my little buddy. Children aren’t a burden; they’re a blessing.
Parenthood ushers in an era of the “new normal.” As we travel throughout life’s many stages, we change and adapt to new circumstances. While we may no longer have the liberty of full control of our schedules, we certainly maintain enough flexibility to keep hold of the essential elements of our day. Planning out your day realistically will help you to find new times to accomplish the things you need done.
Children are real paradigm breakers. Their needs reshape your day, which honestly does nothing but open up new possibilities. I used to walk alone every day, and now Benedict and I have the perfect walking time carved out in the morning. That means that we not only get another hour together, but he gets a guaranteed hour, every day, of fresh air. We also have way too much fun playing inside. Being silly with your kids is a lot of fun, and a great stress reliever.
One of the things that I try to be most intentional about is being grateful for this time with him. Benedict won’t be 2'6" forever and, sadly, there will come a stage in his development when he wants nothing to do with me. As for these days, I’m doing all I can to be focused on him during playtime and to make him giggle.
We’ve become a selfish people who view children as a roadblock. Nothing could be more wrong. By adjusting your schedule, realizing new possibilities, and being grateful for the time that you have, you can experience life the way it was made to be.
Be A Brave Parent
Most days, I’m surprised that I’m a father. Certainly Benedict has been in my life for nearly two years, yet actually being in these shoes, it’s still quite shocking. I know that the challenge of parenthood is going to be the biggest one that I face, and I know that it evolves every single day as he grows. I’m learning all that I can so that I can help Benedict be a man, with a clean heart and a free conscience.
Too many parents strike the wrong balance in their relationship with their children. They attempt an approach that places undue stress, pressure, and anxiety on their child by letting them parent themselves in critical areas. The results are oftentimes disastrous, leaving lifelong scars. We need to be brave. We need to be brave enough to let our children be kids by being their parents.
A child is a beautiful gift, a life waiting to be formed, and they need loving supervision. As we all get to experience the benefits of advancing technology, we need to understand how it truly is a double-edged sword. It can carry us forward and open up new worlds to us, but it can also drag us into dark places and destroy our family. Giving your child unfettered, unmonitored access to the internet not only opens them up to the opportunity to form dangerous addictions or engage in cyber bullying, it also opens them up to attacks. I encourage you to take deliberate steps to limit the use of technology by your children, and in that way, help them to understand the benefits and risks, so that they might make better choices.
As a parent, you’re always teaching. We are, after all, the primary educators of our children. The topics won’t always be math, science, and history, and truthfully, we should be more concerned with their human formation. I’d rather have a child who doesn’t know his times tables but is a gentle and caring person than have an educated jerk. Our instructions, in bite-sized pieces should cover chivalry, modesty, and decision making. They need these lessons so that they might live in the world with the knowledge of how to treat people and live in community.
We don’t raise kids, we raise adults. Through our actions, guidance, and behavioral corrections, we’re forming healthy adults. Eventually, the training wheels will come off. The question is, will they be prepared?
Be Emotionally Present
Growing up, one of the staples of my day happened just before bed. As I lay in bed, my dad would come into my room and we’d have a “goodnight talk.” These few minutes just before I fell asleep would be full of conversation, jokes, and inevitably, some tickling. We could discuss whatever I wanted, I could ask any question because it was my time. Perhaps my favorite goodnight talk would be when my dad “made” me into bread, which was essentially a few minutes of tickling, rolling, and general silliness. There’s so much talk in parenting circles today about the importance and impact of strong fathers and my dad’s goodnight talks could be a case study in effective parenting. Perhaps the most difficult part about his being deployed so often was that we’d miss out on many goodnight talks.
In a world of distractions, it’s critically important that we, as husbands and fathers, be ready to drop whatever we’re doing for our family. We know that downtime is often filled with surfing the internet, mindlessly playing a game on our phone, or any number of other activities. These distractions tend to leave the family in a group of silos, each doing their own thing completely cut off from one another.
While alone time is certainly a good thing, time together is also a good thing. Spend some of your free time doing something together, like watching a movie without phones or reading together in the family room. Yet, the danger is not in the time or the activity itself. The danger is becoming so engaged in something, that you’re unable to be emotionally present to your family.
Being emotionally present is the same as being emotionally available. The lives of your entire family, though moving in the same general direction, are essentially different timelines. That means that while you’re grilling on the deck, your daughter might get into a fight with a friend. While you’re reading a book, your wife might be in a place where she really needs to process an issue from work with you. While you’re planning an important project, your son might need to talk to you about a situation he’s found himself in. If you’re emotionally present to your family, you’re able and willing to stop doing whatever you’re doing, at any point, and give your full time and attention to the family member that needs you.
While this may seem to be an inefficient time management technique, the fact is that you’ll still have plenty of time to work through whatever you’re working on. Problems aren’t constantly boiling over and requiring your attention, and honestly, it’s far more important for your family to know that you’re available than for them to actually use your availability. Just the fact that they know that they can come to you at any time, for any reason is really all that they need to feel secure, and to be better able to work through their problems independently before bringing them to you. Beyond being available, have dedicated times for communication, like my dad’s goodnight talks. This will create a chance for your wife to share whatever is going on her in life and for your kids to be reminded, again, that they’re loved.
Having an emotionally present husband and father is a huge asset to your family. Your kids will be more stable and better able to thrive in their environment and your wife will know that she can rely on you at any moment when she really needs you.
Dad the Driver
Family road trips are the stuff of legend. Earlier this year, Alison, Benedict, and I rented a van and made the 12 hour drive to Michigan. It was my first trip driving a minivan since I was in high school and boy was having all of that space nice! In my family, my dad would always drive on our road trips. Now that I’m the dad doing the driving, I know that providing a safe and comfortable trip for my family is a great experience.
The fun and adventure for us dads begins even before the wheels start rolling. We spend hours prepping the car and getting everything just right. Of course, there’s the packing and repacking to achieve maximum efficiency but there’s also the strategically stored amenities. These amenities may include bottled water in each cup holder, pillows and blankets within arms reach, and toys for the kids. The objective is for everything to be completely perfect for the family to get in the car, relax, and enjoy the journey. In addition to preparing the ride for our passengers, there’s also preparation for us, like checking fluids, storing an umbrella by our seat, and getting our navigation system ready to go.
One of the biggest differences in travel with kids is the number of stops that the family has to make. There are stops for gas, but mostly stops for restrooms. While at first these frequent breaks annoyed me, I soon learned to enjoy the rest. I enjoyed the experience of taking a road trip as opposed to the rush to get to our destination as quickly as possible. Those stops translated into better driving, me feeling more rested, and an overall better trip.
Taking care of your family while on the road is just another way of caring. We take responsibility for the safety and wellbeing of our family, and through our diligent preparation and safe driving, we do just that. While it’s true that road trips as a family take considerably longer when your kids are involved, the whole adventure itself is much more gratifying.
Be Great, No Matter What
Last Fall, I wrote about To Kill A Mockingbird and the great scene where Atticus explains to his daughter that he has to have integrity, that he has to be the same person in public as he is in private. I took that scene and applied it to our Catholic identity and how we need to be bold in the public square expressing our faith with the same level of comfort as we do in our homes. In fact, that part of the book had such a profound impact on me that this is the fourth time that I’ve discussed this great American literary work since March of 2013. Today, I want to turn this lesson back on us again, only this time to discuss the integrity that it takes to be a real man. You need to be the man you ought to be, even when your family isn’t around.
We stand in very big shoes. As the leader of your household, your kids and your wife are taking cues from you. The more open, loving, and affectionate you are, the more those things will be reciprocated. The more good that you do, the more good that they’ll do. For whatever reason, you will encounter people at work and in social settings who won’t approve of your work as a great husband and dad. Some of these people are hurt because they didn’t marry a great guy or because their father never loved them the way that you love your kids. We’re undertaking a great generational and societal mission. We’re changing the collective mind of society about what a great dad looks like and who a great husband is. Expect resistance.
Partly due to human nature and partly due to a generalized societal acceptance of extramarital affairs, there will be some people who will try to steal you away from your family. They might try to do it emotionally or, in some extreme cases, physically. Be alert in your relationships to make sure that you’re giving off the right signals. Know that the fact that you’re a great husband and a great dad is incredibly attractive. When you sense that things are getting grey, remove yourself from the equation and keep pushing forward.
It’s too much of a hassle to live one life at home and another out in the world. The best approach is to continue the good work that you’ve already started. Know that you’re doing the right things and never let anyone take that away from you. We’re the husbands and fathers that we’re made to be, let’s keep showing people how it’s done.
Am I Doing Enough?
It’s been a year since I started caring for Benedict full time. It’s almost hard to believe not just that a year has passed, but how quickly his development has progressed. He’s awake more, walking around, and talking to me. I share one of the looming questions that I’m confident every dad asks himself on a daily basis, “Am I doing enough?” Am I doing enough to support and promote his development? Am I doing enough to help him have confidence and trust in himself? Am I doing enough to make sure that he knows that he’s safe with me? Am I doing enough to help him know that he’s loved? Your kids need love, attention, affection and time from you. If you’re giving them those things, then you’re doing enough.
There’s a real temptation to lean too much on the use electronic aids in parenting. I’ll readily admit that Sesame Street, Arthur, and any other number of children’s programming can do more in 30 minutes than I can on my own. These programs are backed by very educated people and present concepts across a broad range of topics. Yet, while these types of shows should aid in your parenting, they shouldn’t be the primary education source for your kids. Play with your kids and read to them.
As the “Am I doing enough?” question lingers, it can drive us to other types of potentially unhelpful parenting practices, like being a helicopter parent. While your children do need interaction and to play with you, they also need the space to entertain themselves if that’s what they choose. Your kids have to learn everything, so helping them learn to constructively entertain themselves or to sit quietly and look at a book is an important skill.
The key in all of this is to both remain available and able respond to their needs. You don’t need to hover over them all at times, but by all means prevent them from hurting themselves. You don’t need to be in their face leading playtime all of the time, but don’t devote so much attention to whatever else you’re doing that you can’t break your attention the moment your child needs you. Be flexible, be dynamic, and be agile.
Parenting fills the mind with plenty of worry and doubt. At the end of the day, if you’ve done your best and given your child all that you have, then yes, you’re doing enough.
You’re Irreplaceable
One June evening in 1996, I was almost left without a father. My dad was deployed in Saudi Arabia when the barracks next to his was bombed by terrorists. As I think back on that night, though I was quite young, I’m grateful that my dad was not among the 19 killed in action that night. While our culture doesn’t put a premium on the impact that a great dad can have on a kid’s life, the fact remains that no one can take your place. You’re uniquely and perfectly suited for your wife. Your marriage is the most important relationship in your life, more important than that of yours with your children and more important than your relationship with your parents. Certainly these relationships are in a very close second place, but nothing will ever be as important as your marital relationship. It’s the spring from which blessings flow, and no one can take that place of honor.
You loved your children first. You’re their father and they need your unique gifts. More than that, they need your guidance, your firm discipline, and your tender love. Their mother is able to offer them love and gifts in her unique way, but they also need to receive it from you. In that way, you and your wife complement each other, providing for your kids in a holistic approach. Since you’re irreplaceable, you need to act like it. Be involved in their lives. Be present in all ways: physically, emotionally, spiritually. If no one can take your place, then it’s up to you to do your best to meet those needs. Rise to the occasion, and be an awesome husband and father.
The role of husband and the role of father aren’t for the faint of heart. Stand up and do something.