Fatherhood
Family Time Activities
I love Spring. Nature reminds us of the joy and hope of new life and new growth and the season also signals the beginning of the outdoor season. Every member of the family values, to admittedly varying degrees, time spent together as a family. As humans, we crave connection, and family time gives us that in a very safe and stable way. Just as it’s important to provide a young child with a variety of activities, your family time shouldn’t be spent solely in your living room. Spring and Summer present a wide variety of outdoor fun that can bring joy to all members of your family.
With a range of scheduling conflicts and a to do list that grows each day, I understand the challenges of meaningful family time. It’s easy to just watch a movie together when you’re exhausted from a long week of work and are burdened by all of the things you still have to get done. While watching movies together certainly counts as quality family time, you and your family need more.
Planning family time activities doesn’t have to be expensive and it doesn’t have to be a burden. Taking time to write out a menu of options on Sunday afternoon and then having your family pick one whenever you have family time is a great way to manage the process and prevent defaulting to television. There are plenty of hidden options right in your community. Recently Alison and I were driving back from the outlet malls on back roads and discovered a small local zoo off the beaten path just 20 minutes from our house. That would be a perfect activity for us!
Spontaneity is a significant component in family activities. While some together time is planned, other time will just show up. It may be a night where no one has anything scheduled or a gorgeous Sunday afternoon. Be ready to take advantage of good weather when it comes through your area.
Family time activities should be varied to prevent boredom, and they should touch on everyone’s interest at one time or another. By doing some advance work and preparing a menu of options, you can be ready to pique everyone’s interested and create family memories to last a lifetime.
How Am I Doing As A Parent?
I enjoy systems and stability. I like to learn how to do something, experiment to find the most efficient process, and then implement that process repeatedly to complete a task. I have 90 minutes to work in the morning before Benedict gets up. On weekdays, I spend that time working on web design for clients, on Saturday mornings I write, and on Sunday mornings, I play. I’ve tried many variations of my schedule, but that one works, so I stick to it. There’s little need to review or make course corrections in how I lay out my week because the work is already done. It’s set, I move on. There is, however, one area of my life where this type of process doesn’t work: parenting.
I’ve written about how parenting requires daily adjustment and how the nature of parenting is change. Each day brings a new skill, new successes, and new failures. All of this change and progress means that each morning, we start over. Our children wake up different people and we need to adapt. This rapid change in events and circumstances necessitates that in order to be a good parent, you must be a reflective parent.
Much of my writing on reflection has been focused on self-reflection. I want to explore adapting those same principles to evaluate how I’m doing as a parent. Evaluating yourself as a parent has an added component in that your children are able to give you feedback.
The evaluation should start with your parental goals. What is it that you’re trying to accomplish? The answer should include educational milestones, exploration, freedom, play, faith, and family growth. That means you’re teaching your child daily, exposing your child to new things, giving them the latitude to fail and get hurt, ensuring that they spend ample time having fun, have daily time for prayer, and are exposed to positive family interactions. These elements make up our daily baseline.
When you consider all that you need to do for your children on a daily basis, it’s easy to be overwhelmed. In fact, the time required to both care for them and manage work and domestic tasks usually add up to more hours than you have in a day. Here’s an excellent challenge: incorporate your children into your daily to-do list. This was a big transition for me to make, and one that I’m still working on now that Benedict is awake most of the day, mobile, and capable of helping. I don’t have to just use nap times to get things done. He’ll be perfectly happy playing in the bedroom while I fold laundry, or reading a book nearby while I clean the bathroom. He also goes with me on all of my errands, which can really break up the day.
The second source of feedback comes from your child’s behavior. Generally, behavior that we think of as “bad” is a result of boredom, hunger, or lack of sleep. It’s unfair for you to demand that you keep your child satisfied 100% of the time, but certainly they should not be bored all that often. Varied play, differing activities, and changing the scenery is usually enough to prevent most boredom in younger children. At the end of the day, all you can do is provide opportunity.
The last part of this parental self-evaluation needs to come from reality. While your child depends solely on you, it’s important to cut yourself some slack. When you’re sick, it’s okay to be less involved so that you heal sooner. It’s ok if there are phases when they refuse to eat good things. It’s ok if you’ve provided ample opportunity for play and they’re still fussy. There is no perfect parent, and your best efforts will suffice.
Completing this parental self-evaluation on a regular basis can give you the confidence and peace of mind that you need in order to continue to be a great parent. By incorporating your children into your to-do list, reading feedback from your child’s behavior, and respecting reality, you can be the kind of parent that your children deserve.
The Poor Box
Every moment is a teachable moment in a child’s life. What your children don’t realize is that as a parent, you’re constantly figuring out what to do. The life of a parent is one of judgement, evaluation, and action. We have to judge the proper course, model the expected behavior, and act decisively and within the vision of our children. We learn each day how to be better for tomorrow, but more importantly, all of this introspection helps us to define who we truly want to be and to start moving in that direction.
One of the characteristics that I want my children to exhibit to a fault is one of generosity. The people who I believe live the greatest lives are all outrageously generous. I also have a great deal of compassion for those families who are being persecuted abroad and here at home who are unable to meet their material needs. Life has ups and downs and regardless of what circumstances lead to poverty, no one should have to go to bed hungry, cold, without shelter, or without the basic necessities.
The question is, how do you show a child who doesn’t understand the concept of poverty or hunger, how to have compassion? As kids, my father would always ask one of us kids to put the envelope in the collection basket, after which he’d thank us. If memory serves, we were all pretty interested in that simple act. I felt special. What I didn’t realize at the time was that he was modeling generosity. Every week, without fail, he’d have the envelope. I never saw most of my giving, but I saw this giving. Based on that experience, I’ve come up with a simple strategy that I intend on continuing throughout the balance of my life. I get a number of $5 bills and carry them in my wallet. After Mass each week, I pull one out and hand it to Benedict. Then, as we leave the Church, I ask him to put it into the ubiquitous Poor Box that’s in the back of Church.
Is $20 a month going to make a difference in someone’s life? Maybe. Do I know exactly where’s it’s going? Certainly I know far less than my other giving, but that’s not the point. The point is I’m showing Benedict that part of the Christian life is to choose to give money to those who need it. Sometimes I’ll include an explanation with it, something like, “This is for some other kids so that they don’t have to be hungry because no one should be hungry.” A simple act, a simple explanation, and a small seed planted each week that will hopefully one day bloom in an orchard of generosity.
There’s no wrong way to model generosity and there’s no wrong time to start. Most of your giving will be in secret, hidden from your community, peers, and children, as it should be. It’s important that you pull back the curtain for your children so that they can have these lessons deeply ingrained in their personality. After all, they’ll never be happy unless they live with a spirit of outrageous generosity.
Pursing A Daughter’s Heart
I wanted a girl. When the ultrasound confirmed it, I was elated. Her name is Felicity and she’s arriving in June.
My brother has two daughters, one who’s two months older than Benedict and another who just turned one. Admittedly I feel jealous when I see how his girls are just completely in love with him. They gravitate towards him, want to be held by him, and want him to play with them. They are totally obsessed with their father.
The relationship between a father and a daughter is incredibly powerful. A strong relationship with her father results in a woman with high self-esteem. A real expert in this field is the renowned Dr. Meg Meeker, a Traverse City based pediatrician who has written extensively on the subject.
All children need a stable home, loving parents, and to have their emotional needs met. It’s especially important for fathers to pursue their daughter’s hearts, to teach them how to love, and to show them that they are loved. When you look at these emotional needs, they have a common thread. The need for a strong sense of self-respect and self-worth in order to live well adjusted lives. These foundations are first built and later reinforced within the context of the parental relationship. Girls innately gravitate towards their fathers to be affirmed and to learn how to love, meaning that as fathers, it’s up to us to help them in this critical area of growth.
Fathers carry the special responsibility of pursuing their daughter’s heart. That turn of phrase is one that I heard frequently while I was studying at Franciscan University of Steubenville. What was an annoyance then has clarity now. Pursuit of your daughter’s heart is about being intentional about expressing the feelings and emotions that you have about her in a tangible way. As men, we tend to be reserved in expressing soft emotions. Our communication style uses fewer words than women and we use signals to express our approval and acceptance of others. Pursuing your daughter’s heart is recognizing that it’s not enough for her that you feel emotions of love internally: they must be externalized.
I was recently at a dinner with Alison’s colleagues. It was around Valentine’s Day and one of the young ladies shared her father’s tradition of giving a Valentine’s Day gift to his daughters until they got married. This particular young lady, a working professional, is still single and related the extremely heartfelt and thoughtful gift that she had recently received to mark this year’s Valentine’s Day. Her father gets it. Make sure she knows that she’s loved and communicate it in ways that she understands.
In order to truly love one’s daughter, it’s important to model a good marriage. We should first look to how we treat our wives and the courtesies that we show to them because our children are always watching. Daughters in a particular way keenly observe the dynamics of the domestic life. Your marriage is the primary relationship in your family from which all other relationships flow. Make sure you’re working hard to have a great one.
Teach your daughters to love, show them that they have dignity and worth, and give them the foundation that they need to life a healthy and well-adjusted life. While you’re at it, teach your sons to reject the idea that women at their disposal. Boys and girls who are given a model of family, marriage, and love will carry those lesson into their own lives and pass them down to their children’s children.
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It’s likely that after years of dating and marriage, your wife understands you and can intuit that you love her in the times in between displays of affection or tokens of love. Your daughter doesn’t have the benefit of that experience with you, so those times when you’re not expression external emotions or giving her tokens of love, she can discern no sense of love, thus leading to confusion.
Never let your daughter think for a minute that you don’t love her.
This by no means should be taken as weakness or that boys are more self-reliant. Instead, it should be appreciated within the scheme of the grand design. Girls innately understand that they need to learn how to love and they gravitate towards their father for these lessons.
How you express your feelings of approval and love is how your daughter will grow emotional and feel secure. It’s from this place of safety that she can define who she is, answer life’s biggest questions, and learn to process healthy emotions. From this place she’ll learn how to live an integrated life and make excellent life choices.
Fathers must give their daughters special attention because of the gravity of the consequences. If your daughter leaves your house at the age of 18 with a poor sense of self-worth, she’s going to try to find it somewhere else, and typically that’s in the form of substance abuse or abusive relationships. She’ll get into relationships with deadbeats because they display the model of love that was given to her. Your daughter is worth so much more than that.
Parenting is Innate
This blog post was originally intended to be a reflection on how the beauty of shared parenting reveals the true design of parenthood. I was going to discuss the many times when Alison has been there to help ease my struggles with caring for Benedict and how our system ensures a consistent experience for Benedict. As I sat down to write this post a few weeks ago, Benedict was crying. Usually he’s asleep at 5am on a Saturday morning, so this behavior was unusual. I waited a few minutes to ensure that he was actually awake, not wanting to disrupt what may have been just a momentary expression of emotion after a bad dream.
I concluded that he likely just needed some clean pants. I intended to briefly get him up, change him, and then lay him back down for the balance of his rest. As I opened the door, the waves of heat hit me. I immediately looked down to see his space heater had not shut-off as it should have, and instead was giving me a reading of hot, hot, hot! Benedict was hot and unhappy. Who could blame him?
I got him up and placed him in bed with Alison, who until that moment was asleep. I got him a cup of cold water and a cool cloth for his forehead. He cooled down and calmed down, but was awake and playful. Alison, still tired from a week of work, asked me to take him back and so, at 5:52am, with less than half of my writing complete, I stopped working and took him downstairs.
For me, this story is the embodiment of what it means to be a parent. More than that, it demonstrates the innate code that each one of us carries within ourselves to be nurturing parents. The situation was urgent and, without thinking, I acted. Although Saturday early morning is my one time during the week to write, there was something more important afoot.
Alison, though tired, made the same sacrifice. Sleep is crucial to health and wellbeing, and yet she was willing to give it up to comfort her child. She asked me to take Benedict at the appropriate time when it was evident that he wouldn’t be going back to sleep, but she was nonetheless willing to sacrifice her sleep to care for her child.
Just as there are clues within nature that point to the ordered way in which we are to live our lives, so too are there clues within our behaviors and choices that point to the way we are to care for children. I’m thankful to have Alison by my side as my wife, teammate, and partner in life to care for and raise our children.
Minivans
Earlier this year, Alison and I started discussing acquiring a minivan. We’ve been a one car family for about 18 months, but as we looked to the future, the time for us to expand our fleet was drawing near. Logically, we decided a minivan would be the right choice for our next car.
After much heartache, we finally came across a van around Thanksgiving and on our way home from the Jersey Shore after Thanksgiving break, we bought it. I’m the primary driver of the van and believe me, that thing is sweet. It’s roomy, it’s smooth, and it’s comfortable. In short, it’s awesome.
I’ve noticed several changes in my life since starting to drive the van. First, I drive much more calmly. I think that part of it has to do with the fact that I’m no longer getting Prius milage, but it also has to do with the way the car feels. If I need power, I can get power, but it doesn’t really seem that necessary. Driving is no longer an octane-fueled stressful event. Instead, it’s a pleasure. I apologize to all minivans whose slow driving previously frustrated me.
The other great thing about the van is the cargo space. I no longer have to think when loading stuff up. There’s plenty of room, so I just toss it all in. That’s the American dream right there.
I think that the biggest change in acquiring the van comes in the form of freedom. We now have a family car that we can all ride comfortably in. We have a car that can go on long trips. Benedict and I now have the ability to go out on social outings throughout the week.
Life is good when you have a minivan. Although I’ve received several snide comments about masculinity and minivans, for me, the van means something different. It means safe, comfortable transportation so that my family can travel together to new and wonderful places.
Plus Two
We’re nearing the half-way mark of Alison’s pregnancy. This has been a very quick ride (for me, at least) compared to last time. I feel more confident in what’s happening and what’s going to happen. We’re also getting to the fun part. Alison is starting to feel kicks, soon we’ll (hopefully) know the gender, and in just a few short months, I’ll be holding my second child in my arms.
Benedict is simply amazing. He is crazy smart, speaks so clearly, and is a true joy to be around. He’s gentle, kind, patient, and generous… all perfect traits for an oldest child. I think he’s going to be a big help with new baby and he’s going to love all over that kid.
One of the transitions I’m making mentally is grasping the concept that I don’t have a child, I have children. I have multiple kids that I’m responsible for, and get to play with. It’s a big step because, and I think we all do this, I don’t think that I’m old enough for that. It’s an absurd thought, but I think this is very much a milestone in a man’s life.
Children are a wonderful gift and bring so much light into the world. At the end of 2015, Benedict took a 3 day vacation to his grandparents and I worked to finish overdue projects. While he was gone, I was very productive, but also a bit sad. There was an emptiness in my life. Getting him home was the best! The fact that I not only get to keep him, but also have another one is amazing. I’m so excited to watch another human life grow before my eyes.
Going from a child to children is a big step, but our nature is prepared for it. So often I find myself responding appropriately to Benedict out of instinct and not intellect. In those times, I feel more confident than ever that I’m ready to take on the challenge, opportunity, and adventure of caring for my children.
Parenting Requires Daily Adjustments
A few months ago, I was one confused dad. As a first time parent, all of the development stages in Benedict’s life are new to me. As a man, I’m a little less in tune with the changes going on in his life. To be sure, Benedict is extremely gentle and considerate. He shares everything very willingly, a trait that I hope he continues to have as he steps into the leadership role of big brother this summer.
My confusion stemmed from the fact that all of the sudden, Benedict had changed the game. His eating habits reversed, he was more irritable, and nothing seemed to console him. I wasn’t sure what was going on, or how I was supposed to respond. Did he need me to be on the floor playing with him more? Did he need more space? The answers to my questions came after a trip to the library. I picked up a book on toddlers and in one of them saw a graphic of a corkscrew. A child’s age was split in 6 month segments on opposite sides of the corkscrew, representing the travel towards and away from equilibrium. I had my answer.
I can think of no other task in life that challenges one’s assumptions better than parenting. We learn how to parent for today, only to find that our skills and approach need to change for tomorrow. A great illustration would be a child who accels academically in elementary and middle school, but falls behind in high school. The parenting paradigm that encouraged academic performance early on in education needs to change to deliver the same results in later education.
The fact remains that children’s needs change daily and we have to respond to them. It’s precisely because each child is different that there is no “perfect parent.” For that reason, you best will simply have to do. Our biggest threat is complacency. If we believe that our style of parenting from yesterday will work tomorrow, we’ll find both our lives and the lives of our children turned upside down.
So if we can’t be confident that our parenting day-to-day will remain equally effective, what can be done? Parenting does require daily adjustments, but those adjustments must be underpinned by guiding principles. This is an active endeavor and certainly it should be grounded in something. Your guiding principles should include both your vision for your child’s life and the values which you wish to impart to them.
It’s my goal that Benedict reach adulthood as a confident, emotionally secure, gracious person. It’s also my goal that he will have developed and nurtured his spiritual relationships to the point where he can continue them independently of me. My guiding principles include letting him fail safely, giving him plenty of space throughout the day, and being very tender in our 1-to-1 interactions.
Will I be successful? I’m not sure. What I do know is that if I give my best effort and my whole self, being particular in helping him navigate around the dangerous waters that I’ve sailed through, I can set him up for a better life than mine. That, after all, has been the American objective of parenting for generations.
My Father’s Son
My younger self would be very disappointed in me if he knew the truth. I like jazz. When I was in 4th grade, my dad got really into jazz and would have it playing as background music each night during family dinner. He loved it, my siblings and I did not. This small chapter of my childhood reveals a simple truth: we’re all like our dads in one way or another.
I love watching Benedict because in him I see the basics of what it means to be human. Men are obsessed with trucks, we all love pressing buttons, and we emulate our parents. Over the past five years I’ve noticed more and more that I’m growing into liking the things that my dad likes, among them drinking water, listening to jazz, and spending time each day reading. This natural progression is part of the maturation process, but it is also heavily influenced by one’s father. If my dad didn’t expose me to jazz, I likely wouldn’t be into jazz right now, for example.
There’s a part of our dads in our own personalities. Our habits and idiosyncrasies, tastes and values are all derived, in part, based on our observations of his behaviors growing up. This makes it that much more important for us to live the lives we wish to model for our children.
While you may initially be resistant to becoming more like your dad, embrace it! Enjoy carrying on his legacy and eat your pride… he was right all along.
Raising Wholesome Kids
My goal in raising Benedict is that he grow into a wholesome, mature man worthy of a great woman. The path to this ideal is filled with challenges, especially as he will face pressure from his peers and the temptations to make poor choices. I want him to preserve his honor, and the honor of those whom he associates with, so that he can present himself as a worthy gift to his wife should he be called to the married life.
There are so many messages being thrown at all of us today, that even I sometimes can find it difficult to wade through them to find the truth and I’m an adult. I know that Benedict and his peers will increasingly face more and more messages that are just wrong. As a sad result, kids will make bad choices based on those wrong messages and the consequences will be lasting.
In order to raise a wholesome child, parents have to do the difficult things. We have to put reasonable restrictions on them and help them to understand why those restrictions are there in the first place. We have to be parents, not friends with our kids. Even more importantly, we have to have difficult discussions on topics such as sexuality and drug use with our children before they get bad information from others. That may be uncomfortable, and it’ll have to happen sooner than we’d like, but it’s a fact of life.
The goal is for us to help our children mature into functioning, healthy adults who aren’t saddled with the regret and consequences of youthful indiscretions. It’s a true challenge, but a worthy pursuit nonetheless.
Raising wholesome kids has never been easy, the nature of the threats are simply changing and becoming more aggressive. Our job is to help Benedict grow into a well-adjusted, mature adult capable of making reasoned and logical choices. I’m also praying for the parents of Benedict’s future spouse, that they will be as successful as we are.