Fatherhood
Our Diocese’s Best Kept Secret
When you have a new baby, everything in the world is wonderful. A long 10 months of hopeful anticipation culminates in you finally getting to hold your new little one as they snuggle up close to you and sleep. It’s an amazing time and also an exhausting time. The joy of holding your warm baby is mixed with the terror that at any moment they could have a blowout and ruin your Hallmark moment.
As your family adjusts to its new life, whether this child be your first or your twelfth, you get to go to Mass together and bask not only in the peace of the liturgy, but in the joy of everyone around you. People love babies and our love of them is on full display at Church.
In these many weeks of happiness and serenity at Mass, there’s one thing that doesn’t cross your mind: this child will be a toddler soon enough and Mass will become an epic struggle. No longer are you struggling against the urge to mentally check out or to resist reading the bulletin. No, you and your wife’s struggle is to maintain order and discipline with your tiny human who wants nothing more than to be moving, squirming, walking, holding the hymnal, ripping the hymnal, throwing toys on the floor, taking off their socks and shoes, reading a book, shouting to hear their own echo and so on.
Young parents are trying to balance instilling the practice of going to Mass in their child with the rights of other parishioners to not have a little kid screaming right next to them for an entire hour. It’s an incredibly stressful situation for any parent to be in. Worse, taking your child to the back of Church means there’s no longer any comfortable seating or the opportunity to actually see or hear what’s going on. Most Churches have woefully inadequate cry rooms that amount to nothing more than an afterthought.
This goes on for months and months until the family can reintegrate with the Parish when their child is old enough to know that Mass is a quiet time.
Alison and I faced this stark reality starting just a few months ago. Gone are the days when Benedict would be content to be held by us or sleep in his seat during Mass. He’s a boy on the move and he’d love to tell you all about it!
Our parish, like so many others, had little room to work with in the construction of the Church. That meant that shortly after Mass began, sometimes even before Mass began, one of us would have to take Benedict into the narthex and experience Mass from there. The sound was good, but there was no comfortable seating. After the homily we’d switch places-the upside was that it gave us both half of Mass to be quiet and prayerful. The downside, which completely outweighed the upside, was that our family was sadly split during our most important activity of the week.
Thankfully, our parish is also staffed by genius priests. 7 years ago, they built a new Church on the parish lot. Our community is huge with six Masses on the weekend, all packed to overflow capacity. Instead of knocking down the historical Church which was built shortly after the end of the Civil War, they kept it as an Adoration Chapel. In a stroke of pure genius, instead of letting the old Church sit empty on the weekend, they wired it for sound and video from the main Church and it now is the cry room. The Mass being celebrated right next door is broadcast to a large TV on an AV cart through a camera that pivots in the back of the main sanctuary. So, when someone is at the Lectern, we can zoom in and just see the reader. When the priest is praying the consecration, we can zoom in just on the Altar. All Mass, no distractions.
What makes this “cry room” so special is that it’s a fully commissioned Church with the Blessed Sacrament still in repose. It’s not a random room at the very back of the Church, it is a Church! Benedict can still have the experience of being in Church and going to Mass without Alison and I having to bear the stress of not wanting him to disturb others. I call the Chapel, jokingly, St. Benedict’s Chapel.
It’s a wonderful blessing to have this opportunity. There are other families with children who go to Mass in the Chapel and no one has any expectation of complete silence. We still try to regulate Benedict, to a point, but if he screams, we don’t blush. If he throws a book on the ground, we don’t shudder. Even better, since there are far fewer people, we have space to spread out with the large amount of things we bring to Mass these days to keep Benedict appropriately engaged.
Perhaps what I love most about St. Benedict’s Chapel, apart from it being a real Church, is the relief that it brings to parents. We’re able to pray and enjoy the experience of Mass in a Church, without worrying about the erratic behavior of our toddler. We’re able to be together, as a family, at Mass. We’re able to form good habits in Benedict and help him understand not only what’s going on in the Mass, but what all of the things are in the Church.
I look forward to the day when our family is able to participate in Mass with the whole community again, but for now, I’m quite content celebrating in St. Benedict’s Chapel, where families can pray together without stressing over every sound their child makes.
Showing Tenderness
I love Benedict. I love the way he laughs uncontrollably as I hold his arms above his head and tickle his tummy with my nose. I love the way he gets excited when I snuggle up close to him and kiss all over his face. I love how much he enjoys being close to me and sitting in my lap. I love how he’ll sit still anywhere if I’m rubbing his back or scratching his head. I love how when he’s about to cry or is actively crying, he holds his arms up, hoping that I’ll pick him up.
I know that the day will come where kisses from me won’t be as welcome. I know that the day will come when our physical contact will change. It’ll be a sad day, but thankfully, that day is far off.
I’ve never understood men who believe that showing tenderness is weakness. I don’t think it’s manly to be cold and distant towards those that you love. This “manly stoicism” doesn’t communicate deep affection, it communicates a great divide between the emotional needs of a family and the father’s ability (or willingness) to meet those needs.
The relationship between father and son should always be intimate, full of physical contact. As humans, we have an innate need to be touched. Even more, children need reassurance. They need confidence in knowing that they’re loved. They need to learn how to be a good parent and, truthfully, you’re going to be their primary source. There are so many adults who are “bad parents” because they themselves had poor role models. Parenting problems are perpetuated from generation to generation because no one knows any better.
Certainly the bond between father and son must evolve as the boy grows. It’s not a good idea to smother your son with kisses as he leaves for his first middle school dance. At the same time, I do think that the relationship that you’ve had during those formative years will set the tone for where your son puts up his boundaries. If you’ve been cold and distant for 12 years and are now trying to go full throttle in showing tenderness, there’s going to be really big problems. Rather, if you have a solid relationship where your son feels safe, you might find him putting up fewer boundaries.
The point of all of this is that tenderness should be a hallmark of a good father. A man’s ability to relate to his family and his children in an emotional and physical way will be the greatest tool in helping to raise his kids to be the best people they can be. They’ll be better adjusted, get better grades, have higher self-confidence, and make fewer poor choices.
A father who shows tenderness will have the trust of his wife and his children. They’ll feel comfortable trusting him with their problems, hurts, and struggles. In that way, a man is able to fulfill his role as shepherd.
A son needs a strong father who’s able to show compassion, love, and tenderness. A daughter needs a strong father who can open his heart to her and understand her needs.
Tenderness can extend beyond just physical signs of affection. Tenderness can also shine through when a child is hurt or has made a mistake. Instead of growing angry, perhaps a calm and collection reaction can lead to improved outcomes. I know that when I make big mistakes, mercy and understanding can heal the embarrassment and shame that I feel.
While it’s true that as a father you often find yourself in the position of disciplinarian, you can find yourself in that role far less often if you’re able to develop intimate relationships with your kids.
Be strong, be constant, be gentle, be tender and in all of these ways, you’ll be a real man.
Kids are Raised by the Community
Mass has become a bit of a struggle. For whatever reason, I didn’t anticipate that Benedict would reach an age where he can’t be entertained enough to be able to stay in Church for an entire Mass. For weeks now, Alison and I have had to take turns taking him to the back of Church and play with him there.
I now have a much greater appreciation for parents of large families… and the role that older siblings play in helping parents raise younger siblings.
Our culture is fairly “anti-family.” Young people and young married couples are often taking steps to prevent starting a family or are delaying starting a family to focus on their careers.
Children are seen as an impediment, an inconvenience, and even an obstacle to goals and even happiness. Paradoxically, even though our society collectively avoids bringing new children into the world, we can’t get enough of babies.
Benedict is extremely social. If there are people around, he just won’t sleep. He wants to giggle, laugh, play, wave and talk to almost everyone he sees. His engaged personality usually ends up with people trying to interact with him at some level.
As a parent, I find this type of engagement from the community quite welcome. I’m entertaining, but even I don’t have the energy or stamina, or even the array of good ideas to keep Benedict fully engaged and entertained for all of his waking hours. So when he gets a little antsy in the shopping cart, there’s usually someone around who tries to get him to wave. A moment’s relief for me so I don’t grab the damaged box of whatever.
I’m sure things will change when he gets older. People seem to like the newness of babies but are less enthused with kids as they enter school age. But for now, I’ll just enjoy it.
All of this has really reinforced in my mind the fact that children are not simply raised by their parents. They are, in fact, raised by the community around them. Parents have a vast support network that, while maybe not very deep, lends a hand from time to time. It may be as simple as stranger at Mass distracting the baby, or as profound as IKEA’s Family Parking featuring extra wide spaces, close to the door location, and sometimes even a family section set off from the main parking lot, reducing traffic flow and keeping wandering little ones a bit safer.
Even though many proclaim to not want to bring kids into this “messed up
world,” I believe that’s nothing more than a front. Deep down, we can’t deny that our love for children is an innate part of who we are. We understand in our nature the paradox that while children bring a degree of stress and disorder to our world, they also bring a source of true joy and happiness that we can’t find anywhere else.
So the next time that you’re at Mass and see young parents struggling to keep their child entertained, do them a favor and make a face at the kid.
Time Management for Kids
Kids today are operating under very tight time constraints. While the number of potential activities continues to rise, what’s also driving this boom in kid’s after-school activities is college applications. We’re told that colleges are looking for well-rounded applicants. That means that between homework, after-school activities, friends and family time, kids today are facing a real time crunch.
As a parent, you’ve been there. You know the pain, misery, and exhaustion that comes with being overwhelmed. You’ve been in situations where you had too much going on and things got missed. You know the regret that comes with putting your work in front of your family. You’ve been in the land of task overload. This means that, as a parent, it’s your job to help your kids learn to make the difficult decisions that come with prioritizing time.
Just like work, kid’s activities will expand to the amount of time you give them. Also like work, there will always be more things to do. There’s always a sport in season, always another theater production to try out for, always another club that would look great on a college application.
The struggle is not choosing between the good and the bad. It’s the struggle of choosing what’s the most good. It’s the struggle of being exposed to new horizons while maintaining a healthy balance in life. This is where parents really need to parent. If kids don’t learn to prioritize their time in high school, college will be a mess and their life could end up a disaster.
When you sit down with your teen to discuss time priorities, it’s important that they know that you’ve been in this situation before. It’s also important that you emphasize that all of the things that they are doing are good, and it’s only when the good is too much that it becomes bad.
Work with your teen to develop a formula for how they spend their time. Priority 1 is school work, priority 2 is family and priority 3 is all other activities. Using this framework, or another that you both come up with, rework their schedule. Dive into how much time they need for each activity and how much they’re actually spending. Then, edit their schedule.
Your kids need your help when it comes to prioritizing their time. This critical life skill is really only learned when you’re in the moment, so take the time to help guide them to success.
Caring for A Sick Child
There are many powerful acts of love and service. These acts force us into uncomfortable and inconvenient situations. However, it’s not usually the inconvenience that we recognize. The understanding that what we’re doing is important and helping someone else moves us beyond ourselves. This is never more clear than in helping to care for a sick child.
Kids get sick. When a child is sick, the child lacks the basic understanding of what the illness is. They don’t have years of experience with illness, and so they’re more upset. They lead simple, uncomplicated lives, and this sickness is interrupting everything. This is where, as a parent, you can really show them love and model a life of service. By tenderly caring for their needs and making them as comfortable as possible, you can wrap them in a mantle of love. You can help them feel better emotionally and ease their worries. This love will help to lower stress and facilitate the healing process.
Illness turns a child’s world upside down. Everything that they thought they knew, everything that they experienced is no longer true. They’re miserable and they don’t yet know the little hacks that can help make the path to recovery much shorter. For example, a sick 1 year old doesn’t yet know that blowing their nose can clear some congestion. This is a time for you to really guide your child. As a parent, you possess an immense amount of real-world knowledge that they don’t have. This is the time to use that knowledge to help them understand that this is only temporary and they’ll be up and playing very soon.
Illness in your child’s life is a great chance for you to love and care for them. Cleaning up after them, helping them with even basic functions, and easing their burdens is what true love demands. If they’re older, this level of service can be a pleasant reminder of a time in their lives when they were younger.
There’s also a measure of deeper personal sacrifice for the parents. In order to care for the child, one or both parents might have to give up vacation days. Those hard-earned days are meant to be spent in restful relaxation. Instead, they sometimes are used to care for a sick child at home. Yet, therein lies the beauty of sacrifice. Parents would rather use those days being home caring for a sick child than at the beach on vacation.
Caring for a sick child requires a parent’s great love. It’s just the scenario that the graces of parenthood prepare every adult for.
Priorities Matter
Our lives are full of priorities. Some things are simply more important than others. Making the right choices can drastically improve your quality of life.
We’re constantly prioritizing things. When we have a limited amount of time, we’ve got to do the most important things first. Of course, priorities can change as they need to.
When you’re scheduling your time or planning anything, there’s one question that you need to ask.
Are my choices adding value to my life and to that of my family?
It’s easy to become self-centered, especially with our time. But if we prioritize our days considering only our needs, we’re doing it wrong. Our prioritization demands that we weigh the needs of everyone in our lives. That way, we don’t spend our time in ways that are a detriment to our families.
Our time is not wholly our own, so it’s best to make sure that how we spend it reflects this reality.
Cherish Your Family
The life of a family is one of seasons. There’s the season before a couple has children. There’s the season when they have young children. There’s the season when the children are becoming adults. Finally, there’s the season when the children are grown and are starting their own families. Each season has its joys and challenges. The key to living a successful family life is to cherish each season.
I am lucky enough to be Benedict’s primary caregiver during the day. We’ve worked out a very nice system that gives us both time for play and time for rest. When he’s awake, we’re together. When he’s asleep, I’m working. I’ve enjoyed the time when he was an infant and wanted to be held. I’m trying to enjoy this time when he’s getting ready to walk and starting to speak.
We have limited time with our families each day. Work, activities, appointments, and other events keep us apart on a regular basis. We’re all growing and we all are trying to meet needs, but it’s important that the time we have together is special.
Each stage of life is special. It can be easy to look back and wish things could be as they were. The problem with an outlook on life that’s constantly longing for the past is that it misses the true beauty of the present. Yes, Benedict is getting into things that are getting him into trouble, but he didn’t used to be able to laugh.
The time we spend with our families should never be wasted. Every moment doesn’t have to be highly structured and maximized for efficiency, but we can take advantage of elevating ordinary activities. I personally believe this is why dinner together around the table is so important. It takes something as routine as eating a meal and turns it into a shared experience.
It may sound trite, but we need to cherish our families. We need to recognize them as the gift that they are. It’s our privilege to nurture a marriage, to raise children. It’s not always an easy task, but it is a wonderful one.
Spend One-on-One Time with Your Kids
Growing up in a military family, my dad was constantly deployed. He’d be gone for 3-6 months at a time, leaving my mom alone to wrangle us three kids. When we were living in South Korea, my parents came up with a brilliant idea. Each weekend, they’d reserve time to spend with us one-on-one. The kids would get to pick what we wanted to do. It was an excellent practice that provided for some great memories and experiences.
Planning one-on-one time with your children is an excellent practice to adopt. Not only does the child experience the love and attention that quality time can give, the parent gains the same benefits. This can be an especially powerful tool in the middle and high school days, when kids try to publicly distance themselves from their parents.
During this one-on-one time, parents should do what the kids want to do. This will give the parent invaluable insight into the thinking of their child. This insight can be used to further strengthen and reinforce the parental relationship. It also puts the parent in an ideal place for sharing what’s really going on in their life. When in their own element, a kid is more likely to open up about what’s really going on, especially emotionally. This can prevent a whole range of negative life events in a child’s life when a parent is able to meaningfully and intelligently intervene.
Aside from the direct benefit to the parent, this one-on-one time will become the highlight of both of your weeks. You’ll both be looking forward to the time you’ll spend together. It’s a time for the child to feel loved and for the parent to express love.
Activities can be widely varied. It might be something athletic like taking a walk, running, or playing ball. It might be a shopping trip, dinner and a movie, or a sporting event. The most important thing is that the parent is participating in an activity that the child wants to do. That might mean some sacrifice, especially if it’s a physical activity. Again, this is about expressing the value of the child in the parent’s life.
If you have more than 2 children, this practice can be difficult. My parents handled the three of us very simply: 1 child with mom, 1 child with dad, and 1 child on their own. The “on your own” child got to do whatever they wanted at home. For me, I think I mostly played computer games, the time for which was greatly limited during the week. These days, it might be watching a movie, reading, or taking a bike ride. This should be considered as recreation time, so it should be a treat. Loosen some restrictions that happen during the week so that any child who isn’t getting one-on-one time that week still gets to feel special.
If you’ve been struggling to get your child to connect with you, or if you’re looking to build upon your relationship and continue to grow it, consider adding one-on-one time to your weekly schedule.
Making Time for Playtime
Kids grow up too fast. As parents, we have the privilege of experiencing their daily growth. As a part of this experience, the days can quickly and easily meld into one another and huge developmental leaps can be quickly overlooked as others come along. It’s important for us, despite our busy lives, to remember something from our own childhood: it’s important to make time for playtime.
As adults, we have significantly more responsibilities than we did as children. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal on sleep indicated that the best age for optimal sleep is 8 years old. According to the article, when an 8 year old goes to sleep, they do so effortlessly. In their minds, the day is over, there is nothing else that needs to be done, and so their brain is able to rest. As adults, we let pillow time become stress time. We go over the day’s events, stress over tomorrow, and think about 30 things on our to-do list that we can’t do anything about in that moment.
Playtime is especially important for parents. We need to schedule, if necessary, time to play with our kids. There’s a balance to be struck. Our kids need their independence and time to explore the world. It’s healthy for them to learn to self-soothe, to self-entertain, and to self-direct. It’s also healthy for them to have structured time in which to interact with their parents. This not only forms healthy parent-child bonds, it communicates a deep love for them. When their parents take the time to play with them, it means a lot to that child.
The main obstacle keeping you from playing with your kids on a regular basis is your own energy. We get up early, go to work, and come home exhausted. We let the daily grind and stresses wear us down and, at the end of the day, our tanks are empty. Why is it that kids can get up early, run around all day, study in school, and at bedtime still have tons of energy? It’s because they do things to keep their energy levels topped off. They laugh easily. They exercise. They sleep. They do all of the things that we don’t do as adults.
The secret to life is to live like a child. Make exercise a part of your life. Have superior sleep hygiene so that your time in bed is dedicated to sleep, not stress. Involve a robust prayer life in your day. Prayer alone can be a game changer. The meditation and mindfulness that’s involved with prayer has been linked in study after study to better health outcomes. Meditation and mindfulness lower your blood pressure, manage some chronic conditions, and actually rewires your brain.
If you resolve to living like a child, then you need time for play. Dedicate that time to playing with your kids. Go to a park, run around in the yard, play catch. Don’t let anything interrupt your plans because you won’t get today back. Your kids will only be home for so long until they move out to start their own families.
Even though you’re living like a kid, you still have adult responsibilities. As much as you can, do your thing while they sleep. Reading is important. I like reading books daily, along with the paper. I read books early in the morning when Alison and Benedict are asleep. I read the paper in the afternoon while Benedict is napping and Alison is still at work. This schedule allows me to have “me” time that I consider a priority without stealing from together time with my family. If your kids are old enough, have “Reading Time” in your house. We did this in my family growing up. For 30 minutes a day, we all stopped what we were doing and read.
As the parent, you’re in the driver’s seat. If you make time to play with your kids, it’ll happen. If you make time for your family to read, it’ll happen. If you make time for your family to pray, it’ll happen. It’s good to be king. So be a good king. Don’t neglect playtime. It’ll pay dividends.
Kids at Mass
There’s an ongoing debate in the Catholic Church about what should be done with children who make noises during Mass. To some, it’s a needless distraction when kids can be taken to the cry room. To others, it’s important for the kids to have Mass as a regular part of their lives. To those who think that kids making noise should be immediately removed from the Sanctuary, let me save you some time, you’re wrong.
Parents should make every reasonable effort to bring enough discipline into their children’s lives so that they will be respectful during Mass. However, especially with very young children, sometimes there is nothing that can be done. Despite this reality, I think that there are three reasons why kids should be kept in Church during the Mass for as long as possible.
• Cries of children are the voice of the young Church. We have a Church that loves and promotes life. When I hear kids making noise at Mass, I celebrate the fact that in a time when children are so vigorously avoided, I’m part of a community that rejects that lie. As Baptized members of our Church, young children have just as much of a right to be at Mass as anyone else. Their cries remind us that our Church isn’t going anywhere and that its saving mission will continue long after we’re gone.
• The majority of US Catholics don’t go to Mass weekly, so let’s start this generation right. If Mass is important (which it is), I want to communicate that fact to Benedict. I don’t want there to ever be a time when he doesn’t have Mass as a part of his weekly schedule. The younger years are the time when habits and world views are established. If we want a healthier and more vibrant Church, we need to do what great marketers already know, and start them young.
• You’re already distracted, so don’t blame it on the kids. One of the more common arguments in favor of removing kids from Mass is that it’s a distraction. I’d counter by saying you’re already distracted. You read the bulletin during the homily, your eyes glaze over during the readings, and honestly, those are only the exterior signs. My keeping Benedict at home isn’t going to instantly make you attentive.
I’m also opposed to families leaving kids at home entirely. I know that it’s a challenge wrangling kids at Mass, and I can only imagine how difficult it is with multiple young children. At one point, I heard it suggested that by splitting the family for Mass, the parents could finally prayerfully concentrate during the liturgy. First, I think that families should always go to Mass together. Second, I don’t consider caring for Benedict a detraction from my prayer. I see fulfilling my vocation as a father to be an entirely prayerful experience.
All that being said, there are times when kids need to be removed for a few minutes to collect themselves. At 11 months, Benedict is usually getting restless after Communion, so one of us will take him into the back for the final blessing. If you do take your child out, make it for as short a time as possible.
When your kids are at an age where they can start to understand things, hype up the Mass. Explain to them how awesome it is. Sit in the front so they can see everything happening. Find ways to engage them. Show them the splendor of the Church.
The family needs to go to Mass together and children need to be there. Period.