Family Life
Controlling Kids in Church
Taking kids to Church is hard. There’s getting everyone fed, cleaned, dressed, and out the door on time. Then, of course, there’s the issue of noise. Kids aren’t very self-aware, and if yours are like mine, they enjoy the echo of their own voice in Church.
Parents need to do their part to keep their kids under control at Mass. Having a bag of quiet toys, sitting near the front, and intervening in sibling disputes before they get out of hand are great ways to be proactive. There are even times when a child needs to be taken to the narthex for a few minutes to calm down or stretch their legs.
To be sure, there is a problem with children making noise while in Church, but it has little to do with the children themselves. The actual problem is how we respond.
The way I see it, the sounds of children at Mass is the voice of a young and growing Church. My daughter, Felicity, loves to call out to Fr. Gus. She’ll stand up on the pew and say, “Hi Gus!” repeatedly until he greets her back. It’s actually rather cute and we make sure that she has a chance to say hello before the Mass begins. But, if during Mass, she loudly asks me, “Where’s Gus?” I don’t shush her. I get her to where she can see him, and then all is well.
Felicity also has a tendency to sing loudly, but only after the song has ended. How wrong did it feel for me to tell her to quiet down as she loudly proclaimed, “Alleluia?” Very. So I let her go for a moment or two, and when she didn’t stop, we went to the back.
Occasionally I’ll take Benedict and Felicity to daily Mass. We sit in the front pew, but that’s not always a foolproof plan. I can feel the cold sweat building up as they make noise and the lector is quickly drowned out. But I know, this is where they need to be. I do my best, and that is enough.
If we keep our kids away from Church when they’re young, how can we expect to tell them that it’s important when they’re older? Parents, do your best, and recognize that there’s a limit. Parishioners, give the kids (and their parents!) a smile and a wave, and be joyful that the Church will continue for many decades to come. Who knows, you may be creating a welcoming environment for the priest who will baptize your first great-grandchild.
Momentum
A 10-day stay in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) will drain you. Lucy’s stay was a bit unexpected, and very frustrating. I think any parent of a newborn shares these emotions.
I tried to be at her bedside as much as I could. That meant leaving my other two kids at home with their grandmother and existing at the crossroads of boredom and exhaustion.
Now that Lucy is finally home, I have another big transition to make. Momentum plays an outsized role in routine. The more momentum you can have on your side when you’re doing the things that lead to health and satisfaction, the better off you are. My first day waking up at 5:00am to hit the gym is brutal. Day 14 in a row is much easier to handle.
Whether its a relationship, a career, a chore, or a habit, the hardest choice we have to make is whether or not to get back on the horse. When you bravely choose to get on, expect challenges. Expect resistance. You should also expect positive results.
A Successful Day
Defining success is elusive. In fact, it’s one of the more personal determinations that we make. We’ve had some great examples of success with the recent Winter Olympic games. It’s easy to conclude that the gold medal is the only one worth having, but how good must bronze feel after a decade of sacrifice, training, and hard work?
One of the areas in which I struggle is achieving my idea of a successful day. I have a laundry list of repeating to-dos that include running the dishwasher, picking up toys, and making my bed. These are the simple tasks that must be done daily. Some days even the basics seem overwhelming. Of course, on top of those basic tasks are errands and special projects.
It’s easy for me to give up on the day when I get off to a rough start. Sometimes I peter out around lunch time when that midday lull temps me with a nap. Even harder is confronting the reality that most days are ordinary and each one feels very similar to the day before. There’s monotony that’s inherent in routine, but there’s also something deeper.
Today may feel a lot like yesterday, but it’s truly a whole new day. It’s ready to be crafted and formed; molded into the things that I need to accomplish. Each day presents me with a clean slate to do what it is that I need to do.
Keeping the house in order, feeding my family, watching over the kids, and helping them to explore their world are the things that I need to do every day. During nap time, I’ve committed to taking on projects like Catholic Husband. Writing is a chance for me to process and to grow personally. It’s only when I do the basics that I’m free to tackle the extracurricular.
The responsibility of raising children and caring for them daily is both wonderful and, at many times, unexciting. Grouchy attitudes quickly wear me down. In the moment, the importance of my role can be hard to recognize. It’s my hope that by persevering through these seemingly insignificant days, my children grow up confident from a childhood rooted in love.
The American Family Then and Now
I’ve always been interested in American history, in particular American military history. As a son of the South, I enjoy learning about the Civil War from the Southern perspective. I’m currently working my way through “Rebel Yell,” an exhaustive 550+ page biography of Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson. Jackson was a brilliant strategist and is among the greatest generals in our nation’s history. The book’s research is mainly based off of his personal letters that he sent to various family members. The fact that the book is based on so many primary sources is what makes it such a great read. Turning the pages, I’m drawn into the period and I have a much better sense of what America was like in the 1850s. I must admit, with regret, that the American family in 1850 stands in stark contrast to the American family today.
In 1850s America, children were quite useful. Although I wouldn’t call them utilitarian, large families were able to pull together, share chores, and support one another. Illness was rampant and death was common. Scores of children became orphans in rapid succession as typhoid fever, tuberculosis, dysentery, pneumonia, and many other nasty diseases ravaged families. Surviving parents, destitute, would seek remarriage and, when that failed, children were sent to live with their relatives. Despite this constant reshuffling of the family, what’s notable is that parents seldom shirked their responsibility. They did all that they could to hold their family together, and when no longer possible, made the heartbreaking decision to send children to live with relatives. There was a real support structure in place across all branches of the family.
Stonewall Jackson lived this reality. When he was just a boy, his father died. His mother remarried, but was too poor to support her children, so she sent Stonewall and his sister to her cousins. A month later, she called them back to her as she was on her deathbed. In less than two months, these kids went from a stable family to being orphans. Just reading that unfortunate chapter of his life was difficult for me as a parent.
In the last half century, the American family has been in decline. Strong support structures have given way to nominal participation among parents and a staggering rate of fatherlessness. This decline can be attributed to the sexual revolution and a disconnect between the loving martial act of sex and the transmission of new life. By untangling the act from its natural result, we have to face a slew of consequences. The unwholesome by-product of this disentanglement is that children become an unwanted burden, responsibility is shifted onto the woman, and a lot of hurt is left behind.
It should never be assumed that there was ever an idyllic time in the life of the American family. Each generation has faced its own set of obstacles, challenges, and difficulties. The difference being that in the past, the family faced these hard times with a trusted support structure. That structure has almost disappeared from the American life. The family, much like the Musketeers, is all for one and one for all. It’s a structure of service, of giving up the wants of the individual for the good of the group. This innate sense of sacrifice is only passed on when the sexual act is properly understood. When we reclaim the true meaning and beauty of sex and its natural end, only then can we start to rebuild the determined strength of the American family.
The List
With just a few weeks until Christmas, I’m sure that your shopping is in full swing. For many of us, the hustle and bustle can be disheartening. In this season of Advent, we wait with joyful hope, but most of our focus is on other things.
A few years ago, Alison started putting together a Christmas list full of prompts and ideas to help us think about gifts outside of our wheelhouse. I’d always default to some technology and I found it to be a great help in discerning what my material wants and needs really are. I’d like to share the list with you so that you can benefit.
After you finish your list, I want to invite you to make a spiritual inventory. What are the gifts that you wish to receive so that you might better serve those people in your life? In what ways do you want to grow in the coming year?
Gift giving is a beautiful practice, and one that taps into the all important virtue of gratitude. Give gifts from your heart and prepare yourself to receive the greatest gift on Christmas morning.
Count Your Blessings
Greetings from the Jersey Shore! My family has gathered once again this week from five different states to celebrate Thanksgiving together with our growing families. There are kids running all over the house and plenty of warm feelings going around. The holiday season is in full swing and I’m enjoying some rest after another busy year.
I’ve looked forward to this vacation all year because there’s something magical about our family beach trip. I’m thoroughly enjoying this experience of gathering with my adult siblings and their spouses and children, and getting to hang out. I’m especially soaking up this year’s experience because I know it’ll be harder to come by when we move West next summer.
Many families, regrettably, have been torn apart over the years, leaving Thanksgiving as a stark reminder of the wounds that they bear. As your family gathers around the table tonight, be brave enough to lay down your hurts and animosity and be willing to start with a clean slate. Life is too short to be given over to anger and resentment.
Last Thanksgiving, I shared with you how [gratitude is at the heart of the Christian life]. (BLOG 589 LINK) In preparing to share this message with you, I re-read it. Sadly, our World hasn’t improved much since last year. I am, however, still inspired by the beauty of gratitude. I’m humbled by the sacrifices of so many who built and defended this country so that my family could have the freedom to follow our dreams. While it can be hard to see, we have so much to be thankful.
From my family to yours, we wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.
The Genius of the Family
Experiential knowledge is the most valuable of all. When Alison and I went to the hospital to deliver our new daughter, we wanted what all parents want: a healthy child. Minutes after Felicity came into the world, she began to deviate from that script. As if she was living out an episode of House, MD, her condition was both perplexing and terrifying. Her symptoms followed the criteria for one condition, only to swerve to a whole new condition. Her care team was chasing a ghost, and one that would not be easily diagnosed.
Less than a day into her life, she was loaded into an isolette and transported to the regional Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. After twelve days and a self-resolving diagnosis, Felicity was finally able to come home. Our journey over those two weeks was difficult, to say the least. The hospital was half an hour from our home, we had to arrange care for Benedict, and many days had to leave her alone at night. As Felicity’s condition improved, Alison stayed full-time with her, while I moved back and forth, tending to matters at home and at the hospital.
In all of this struggle and challenge, I saw the genius of the family playing out. The family, conceptually, is a group of related humans, living and working together for a common goal, the care and support of one another. In reality, especially in our modern era, the family is seriously broken. Dysfunction, division, separation, and redefinition has brought the family to a nebulous state. What is a family? Whatever you want it to be.
There’s a real temptation to define things by their features, but a more correct process defines things by their essence. The family, at its core, is a married husband and wife. Both complementary and divergent, each fills a particular role in bringing stability to the home. The mystery of how this actually plays out in real life so successfully, and it is truly a mystery, is what forms the foundation of the family, from which children are reared.
Stability is the true genius of a family. In those very difficult days with Felicity still hospitalized, neither Alison nor I ever questioned the availability, commitment, or involvement of the other. We sensed our each other’s needs, and responded. I was actively involved in managing Felicity’s care while Alison was recovering from the delivery. Alison provided round the clock maternal care and answered my clinical questions. She didn’t have to worry about my commitment: this was our child and we would both take responsibility for her.
Families endure all sorts of trials throughout their existence. Stability binds them together and allows the unit to withstand any test.
Granted, the married couple, along with their children form a family, but the unsung hero of this system is the extended family. We all need support, and sometimes require that support to come from outside of the family. This is where the extended family comes in to play. Whether it’s giving parents a weekend off, taking care of household chores after an illness, or just being on the other end of the phone ready to answer any question, the extended family fortifies the family and allows it to thrive.
Neighbors, too, can contribute to healthy families. One morning, the week after bringing Felicity home, I walked outside to see that one of my neighbors had mowed our lawn. I’m not sure which one did, but this small act of kindness, which took less than 10 minutes, made me feel respected and cared for. These small acts, neighbors looking out for each other, can cause us all to reap the benefits of a vibrant and harmonious community.
We owe it to ourselves to labor to build strong families in our communities. The stability that they bring can contribute not just to better communities, but what St. John Paul II calls a civilization of love. All of us dream of a culture of respect, honesty, and trust. That dream can only be realized when we focus on family. Start in your own home, build your children up, and slowly watch the flame spread.
Education Happens Everywhere
One of the great tragedies of the American educational system is that it compartmentalizes learning. Learning and education, so it suggests, can only happen in a specific place and in a specific way. Thus, students must be in a classroom with books and a teacher in order for learning to happen. The problem is not so much the standardized format of instruction, but rather the subtle message that it sends.
Children grow to resent school and refuse most academic work outside of the classroom. Parents struggle to get their children to complete their homework. Breaks, especially summer break, turn into mostly inert periods of time with no scholarly work or exploration. Returning from break, faculty must work to help students “re-learn” what they’ve forgotten. It’s a frustrating cycle that is self-perpetuating. We spend all of our time modeling what we believe education looks like while neglecting to inform students that formal education is only part of what it means to be human.
Any person, at any time, can grow their intellect and advance beyond the knowledge required to attain any credentialed degree. One does not need a degree in order to be smart, nor does having a degree make one intelligent. The fact remains that the world is our oyster, and we can explore it as we wish. Our brains are ready to grow, to accept new information, and to explore new pathways.
After completing formal schooling, many Americans no longer engage in academic pursuits, few even take the time to crack open a book. If they do, odds are that it’s junk material on inconsequential topics. This is truly a waste.
We all have interests and things that we’d like to know more about. Be bold enough to engage in new material, think new thoughts, and expand your horizons. If you want to gain knowledge and grow as a person, learn, read, and explore. You don’t need to pay for it, just pick up a book.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste. Reject the myth that education has to look a certain way and happen in a certain place. The world is waiting for you to explore and humanity is waiting for your intellectual contributions. So make one.
Overwhelmed with Gratitude
Life is full of grand adventure. Our emotions, and the circumstances around us, can cast us into profound sadness or propel us to extreme happiness. We all have a tendency to take things for granted, so when we’re in the times of great joy, we should remember to acknowledge the source from which all blessings flow.
Earlier this Spring, I had one of those experiences of joy. Alison, Benedict, and I were at Mass with my parents in the parish that I grew up in. When we’re with my parents, Benedict ditches us for them. So while he was crawling all over the pew and playing with everything, Alison and I were left mostly in peace. Sitting there with Alison and our unborn child, I felt grateful for all that I have. I felt a deep sense of gratitude for the blessings of my family, especially the one that Alison and I are building.
Gratitude is a trait that I hope to pass on to my children. A major component of the human experience is reliance on others. Alone, we can do little, but together, we can do a lot. We’re an interdependent species that fares far better when we work together. Acknowledging those who help us or have been kind to us should be an integral part of who we are as people.
We have each been given many blessings in this life. In good times and in bad, be sure that you’re grateful for what you have.
The Dinner Opportunity
We tend to overlook the dinner opportunity. Thanks to the rise in popularity of cooking shows, I think we’re beginning to appreciate the role that food plays in our lives. In fact, if you watch any home renovation shows, people often look to upgrade their kitchens before any other room in the house. We need food for survival, but in the midst of a busy and crazy day, food serves a much greater purpose. Meals are a time for rest, relaxation, and for the family, an opportunity to come together.
Far too often, dinner time is wasted in front of the television, over the sink, or in the car on the way to some event. Dinner should be the high point of the family’s day, a sacred appointment that can be infringed upon by no activity. That’s because sharing a meal and the experiences of our day can be a tremendous time for bonding. Children feel heard and loved, parents catch up on their kid’s lives and pick up clues as to how their children really are doing, and the family grows closer.
As I anxiously await Felicity’s birth, I’ve come to recognize that my schedule will indeed be changing. My time spent writing and designing is going to decrease significantly, and so I’ve begun to order my days differently. I’m putting a greater focus on the chores that I’ve willingly picked up, such as the cooking and cleaning. I’m starting to take real responsibility for our family’s menu and as a part of that effort, I want to make dinner something for us to really look forward to.
I think that the respite that meals offer us is really overlooked. We spend our days running around and we value those moments of stillness. Dinner offers us that break and adds in an extra element. We recharge physically and emotionally around the dinner table. Food is necessary, but so is rest.
Dinner is one meal, in particular, that offers us a huge opportunity that should not be missed. It’s an opportunity to connect, to share, to bond, to grow, to serve, and to love. Mark it on your calendar, plan for a delicious meal, and take advantage of the dinner opportunity.