Family Life
Our Responsibility
Once or twice a month, I’ll take an hour or so on a Saturday afternoon to go to Confession. Occasionally, I’ll throw in an additional errand or two that is better done without the kids. For many of these outings, I’d spend my entire time away from home feeling guilty. I’d feel guilty about leaving my wife, who worked hard all week, alone to watch the kids. I was wrong to feel that way.
Taking care of our children isn’t my responsibility and it’s not Alison’s responsibility. It’s our responsibility. As a stay-at-home dad, I’m on watch while Alison is at work. When I’m away from home, it’s Alison’s watch. I shouldn’t feel guilty about Alison taking on a responsibility that we share together.
I told Alison how I felt, and she rightly noted that it was silly. In fact, she loves spending time with the children. I do too, but by the end of the week, a break is a welcome relief. I should take that hour or 90 minutes on the weekend to feel relaxed and at ease.
Parenting is something that couples do together. It’s not your spouse’s responsibility or your responsibility, it’s our responsibility. Get the job done, together, and don’t begrudge your spouse when they need some time off.
Opening the Domestic Church
The center of the daily life of the Church is the Eucharist, but it’s not the whole life. Most of us have been unable to physically access the Mass for the past several months, leading to great sorrow. In the midst of this suffering, we’ve experienced the beauty of opening the domestic church.
The domestic church is an idea codified during the Second Vatican Council. It’s not a physical structure; it’s the place where the family lives and serves one another. It’s the atmosphere in which faith is taught, where we first learn about God, and we each seek to do His will.
Home is our family’s refuge from the world. It’s a place of safety and peace. It’s the place where we work, play, pray, create, learn, and rest. A child’s home is their first school. It’s the place where they learn virtue, morality, and about their faith.
The doors to our parishes may be closed and locked, but a new Church has been opened in every home. Never before has there been such a profound opportunity to live out this idea. Our circumstances encourage us to pursue an active faith life at home. It’s easy for us to lean heavily on our parishes to provide not only the sacraments, but religious instruction, community gatherings, and devotionals. While quarantined at home, we are confronted with the reality that the parish is meant to support the faith life that we cultivate in our home.
Now’s the time to continue your good work. Continue to find new ways to pray together as a family. As your family’s faith life matures, find new devotionals and practices to incorporate into your week. Be confident in your ability to teach your children about God, faith, and morality. Parents are the primary educators of their children. Be bold enough to take personal responsibility for that role!
Now that Churches are re-opening, don’t let your domestic church close!
Contemplating Life
Change is on the horizon for my family. Later this summer, we’ll be welcoming our fourth child home. The Book of Psalms describes children as a “gift from God” and as “a reward.” As I watch these young lives blooming before my eyes in slow motion, I’m seeing the wisdom of the author.
The warped view of human sexuality that has taken root among our friends and families is discouraging. The most intimate expression of human love diluted and redefined into merely a physical, transactional act. The overall effect is a loss of the sense of awe that we possess surrounding marital love. If we dare to pull back the veil, if we seek to explore more fully its meaning, we see our pivotal role in the divine plan.
God chose, in His wisdom, to actively involve spouses in human reproduction. Separate from the animal kingdom, the decision to establish and grow a family is meant to be one deeply rooted within a marriage. It’s a process full of prayer and discernment. It’s a joint conclusion that meets at the mysterious crossroads of martial and divine love. As a result, an entirely new being is brought forth
This new person’s creation, effected by God and the love of spouses, was intended, from the beginning of salvation history, to be brought into the world. Their participation in the divine life and plan is only possible through the mutual love of spouses.
This summer, our family will experience, and make possible, the joyful fulfillment of God’s loving plan. As a result, everyone who comes into contact with our daughter will have the experience of our joy.
I hope that I will not soon forget the gravity, mystery, and majesty of this birth.
Family Walks
When I was in high school, we had neighbors who went for a family walk almost every evening. The family of four, along with their dog, could reliably be seen moving slowly through the neighborhood after dinner. I presume that they spent those evening walks reflecting on their days and chewing on life’s big questions.
I’ve been walking regularly for nearly a decade. It’s the one form of exercise that I always enjoy. Sustained, consistent practice leads to a noticeable improvement in my overall health. In this time of social distancing, I’ve seen lots of families walking around our neighborhood. Many of them I’ve never seen before.
Walking as a family is an ideal way to spend some time together and get quality group exercise. It gets everyone out of the house and into God’s creation. One or two laps around the block is all it takes to enjoy nature and each other. Let the conversation flow and appreciate the world around you.
Social distancing shouldn’t mean social isolation. I hope that the many lifestyle adjustments that this pandemic has forced upon us will lead to lasting changes. Among one of these positive changes is a regular family walk around the block.
Everybody Helps
At the beginning of 2019, I sat down to think about annual themes for my family. I wanted to have a lens through which we’d filter our daily life, especially our activities. Taking care of three kids and managing the household puts a lot on my plate. As my kids have grown, I haven’t done a good job involving them in the chores that maintaining a household requires. It’s time for that to change.
One of the themes, which I’m only now employing, is “Everybody Helps.” We can’t all do the same thing, but we can all do something.
My father-in-law came for a visit last week. In the lead up to his arrival, I had workers in the house rehabbing my shower. We also had just arrived home from our Thanksgiving travels. The house was a complete mess and I had less than four hours to get everything back in order.
Benedict and Felicity were excited for their grandfather’s arrival, and they were in the mood to help. While I was working, they each came up and asked if I had a job for them. I couldn’t ask them to clean the bathroom, but I could ask them to empty the trash. I could also ask them to put things away, or move things between rooms.
They excitedly ran off, did their job, and came back, asking for their next job. I broke down my bigger jobs into singular tasks and assigned them out. As soon as we finished, our guest of honor arrived.
Certainly my kids were excited to help get our house ready, but there was a deeper lesson in there for both of us. I learned that they’re perfectly capable of helping me with my chores and they learned the value of work. They felt useful, productive, and a part of their family. They deserve to have that feeling more often.
Dinner Table
Just before moving two years ago, Alison and I went furniture shopping. We had gotten by for four years with the furniture that we had each brought into our marriage. We were ready to trade up. Something that I really wanted was a real dining room table. As a military family, the dining room table was a staple of my childhood. No matter where we moved, or what house we were in, we always ate at the table.
The house that we live in has an eat-in kitchen with enough room for a full size table and four chairs. Just off the kitchen is a dining room. For our first two years in the new house, we mostly ate at the kitchen table. It was close to the food prep station, and it was easy. I could get the kids started on their meals and still be right next to them as I finished cooking mine. Our dining room table was used for crafts, projects, and folding laundry.
A switch flipped in my mind earlier this summer. I bought the table in the kitchen from a yard sale nine years ago. Now with a family of five, things were getting a little tight. With four people at the table plus a high chair, we were short on space. We decided to start using our dining room table for what it was made for: to eat on.
I didn’t think that it would make much of a difference. It did. I stopped serving the children first and then finishing the cooking. Now I get all of the food ready and then serve dinner. It made meals into an occasion. It wasn’t just sitting down to quickly eat, it was more like a destination. We eat slower, and talk more.
It’s important for the family to sit down and eat together. Sharing food is an intimate human ritual. By dining together frequently, the bonds of family are strengthened. If you have a dining room, think about using it exclusively for eating. You might be surprised at what a difference it will make.
Drift
All things being equal, I’d like to keep a regular schedule. I’d like to have my day divided into neat little blocks of time, and simply progress from block to block. At any given time, my routine would be so ingrained that I wouldn’t need to consult my schedule. I’d check the time and know immediately what it is that I’m supposed to be doing.
Life with three kids, or really any number of kids, requires more flexibility. Over the past six years, I’ve tried and failed to implement routine and structure, only for each attempt to buckle and break. Appointments, weather, unplanned outings, sickness, or other conflicts can’t manage to find their way into a schedule etched in stone. Even worse, there are almost no digital tools that allow me to schedule our day quickly and easily.
I’ve come to learn that the best schedule is dictated by a task list. Each day we need to read, explore, play, and create. I wake up in the morning, vet my list, and then as free moments bubble throughout the day, I simply choose an activity from the menu. When the kids tire of playing together after breakfast, we sit down to read a chapter book. When they start to fight, we go outside to burn some energy. It’s a fluid schedule that doesn’t come naturally to me, but that fits our lifestyle.
The danger that comes with a free flowing schedule is the same that comes to any process without structure or discipline. I call it drift. It happens slowly, and over time, but that one hour of screen time each day stretches further and further. A virus that hops from child to child reduces our busy lifestyle for two or even three weeks. Getting back on task is no easy feat.
The only way that I know to combat drift is get back on the horse. No job, outing, or activity is as mentally taxing as my mind would make me believe beforehand. Loading up all of the kids and taking them to a museum may seem overwhelming when the kitchen is a mess and we haven’t put away toys in days. But 30 minutes of focused work and we have a clean house and three happy campers.
Drift will force you into the gutters and away from the noble aims that you have for your day and your children. Watch out for it.
Taking Kids to Mass
It’s been a number of years since I’ve been to Mass on a regular basis without my kids. When Alison and I just had the one, and he was an infant, it was a great experience. We even had to work out a schedule for who got to hold him during Mass. As he got older, and our family grew, things became more complicated.
All parents struggle to get their family to Mass. Young families struggle to maintain order, while older families struggle to get the kids out of bed. Regardless, all kids belong in Church.
From my perspective, as the father of a young family, it’s challenging for my children to keep quiet and to sit still for an entire hour. Over time, we’ve worked out a solution that generally works. My son is separated from the girls and he plays and listens quietly. The girls stay between Alison and I, and we take care of them as needed.
Every week, some crisis needs to be averted, but proactive, quiet parenting usually can head off full meltdowns. If one of the kids needs to be removed, we do it quickly and quietly.
With all of that motion, I’m seldom solely focused on the Mass. That’s okay, because what’s important is that we’re there as a family. And it works. My son increasingly is sharing theological thoughts with me, and my middle daughter knows her prayers.
If you’re struggling to summon the energy (and courage) to bring your family to Mass together each week, there are a few things that you can do. Sit up front. Let your kids see what’s going on and listen. They’re quiet observers and repeating that habit weekly will pay dividends in their development. Model good behavior. Be active, quiet, and attentive. Expect an age-appropriate level from your children as well. Mind the seating arrangement. If two siblings are quarreling, separate them. Bring a quiet bag. Have a few toys and books for the kids to work on. Repeat weekly.
If I can’t focus, and if my kids aren’t sitting still, why bring them to Mass at all? Isn’t it rude to distract everyone else? Our previous parish gave the vibe that kids were an unwelcome distraction, and that’s a mistake. Alison and I work very hard to bring our children to Mass as a family because that’s where we belong. The Mass is not a meeting or a transaction, it’s who we are.
On Rest
I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of rest lately. As a parent to three young kids, my days are quite busy. For 12 hours each day, I’m running at full speed in every direction. I’m playing, fielding questions, cleaning, preparing food, going on errands, and in the middle of all of that, trying to parent.
For a period of time, I thought that the problem was that I wasn’t getting enough sleep. I have my schedule programmed so that I have four hours a day to myself. An hour for exercise, an hour for starting the day, an hour for reading, and an hour for getting anything else I missed. Four hours out of sixteen is not nearly enough, but it’s all that I have.
On days when I oversleep, my whole schedule is messed up. Since I still want to exercise, I end up taking away my evening downtime. That, or I have to sacrifice some other family bonding time.
What I’ve found is that rest keeps me in equilibrium. It’s having the time in the morning to get my exercise done and the news read before my kids are even awake. It’s cooking, cleaning, and playing throughout the day. It’s getting the kids to bed on time and finishing up any other outstanding tasks. It’s reading for an hour right before bed, which has the added bonus of putting me to sleep considerably faster.
When I work hard throughout the day, I get a reward when the day is over. Walking through a quiet house, with everything picked up and put away, fills me with a deep sense of peace. That peace greets me in the morning as I go through my starting ritual. The quiet, still house soothes my soul. But if I’m honest, the noisy house filled with children brings me joy.
Life as a parent, especially one of young children, necessarily means a chronic case of fatigue. That fatigue only defeats me if I let it. Define your values, identify the things that you absolutely must get done during the day to feel at peace, and never give in to “I deserve a break today” syndrome.