Faith
Rest on the Sabbath
Every year, it seems to go the exact same way. Just a few days before Ash Wednesday and I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do for Lent. I know that Lent is coming, I know that I need to take time to consider what changes to make in my life, and I still don’t give it the time it deserves. This year, I went with something really special.
I once heard a priest describe Lent as a beginning of a life change as opposed to 40 days without something. He suggested that we decide our Lenten sacrifices based on things that we wanted to change in our lives. So instead of giving up sweets, we would work on something enduring, something life-changing.
This year, I really tried to embrace that idea by giving up working on Sundays. My goal is to embrace the call to Honor the Sabbath.
For the past four years I’ve been working for the Boy Scouts of America. At the end of this month, I’ll be leaving the BSA to work on ChetComm, LLC (the media and publishing firm that’s behind Catholic Husband) and be full time caregiver to Benedict as Alison goes to work with her healing hands. Working for the Scouts is a pretty good job with flexible hours. So my schedule looked like this: Monday through Friday I blog in the early morning before work. Then for the rest of the day I go to work. I spend Saturday and Sunday working on cleaning and ChetComm business. There’s a fair amount of work to be done for ChetComm each week. I have blog post goals, book writing goals, social media planning, new product development, and strategic planning. All told, it’s several hours of intense work.
Before this Lent, it wasn’t too much of an issue since I had 48 hours each weekend to work on it. When I decided to give Sunday it’s proper place, I saw that time shrink. Incredibly, it’s been a great change! I’ve been able to more guiltlessly spend time with Alison and Benedict, I’ve been able to actually relax, and it’s given us the flexibility to go on weekend trips. I’ve noticed many other benefits.
• I’m more productive. When your available time window shrinks, you gain the ability to better focus. With just Saturday to work on cleaning and ChetComm, I’m more resilient to laziness.
• I’m less anxious. Sunday can be a double edge sword. It’s nice to have a slow day once a week, but it’s also dangerously close to Monday. That means that the dread of the week ahead and creep into your serenity. I’ve found that when Sunday is a designated family day, I’m less anxious about everything. The day ticking away doesn’t bother me. The unpleasant things that I have to do in the week ahead don’t bother me. I’m just totally present.
• I’m more relaxed. It’s almost as if God had a bigger purpose when He asked us to rest on Sundays. I’ve found that I’m more relaxed during the whole week. I know that if I keep working and pushing for a few more days, I’ll have the down time I need on Sunday. That’s a beautiful thing.
We’re called to not work on Sundays, yet it’s something that we haven’t put much of a priority on. Maybe it’s time we go back to basics.
Keeping it Clean
Secrecy is the enemy of love. Secrecy drives us to lie, obscure facts, and not be true to ourselves. In fact, it’s one of the greatest tools of the Devil. I’ve been really encouraged lately with the outpouring of publications and discourse on the true nature of pornography in our culture. Pornography feeds on secrecy. It’s a private act that has very public effects. The fact that we’re able to start bringing it to the light is extremely encouraging. While my intention today isn’t to discuss pornography, I do want to tackle the issues that can easily lead to it.
As a man, I have an idea of the type of man that I want to be. I know what kind of husband that I want to be to Alison and I know the steps that I need to take in order to get there. Admittedly, I do a poor job reaching the standards that I set for myself. Sure, on paper it looks easy, but when baby Benedict is insisting that we hold him at 1:30 in the morning, too many times I’ve let Alison take the lead on that one.
A major barrier to me becoming the husband that I want to be is integration. Our culture pushes us into living segmented lives. We’re one person at work, a different person at home, and still another when out with our friends. You can really tell just how segmented you are when you notice how differently you respond to situations in each of these environments. It’s not healthily and it’s really quite tiring. We need to be the integrated men that Atticus Finch models to his children in “To Kill A Mockingbird."
Sin is terribly destructive. There’s no private sin. There is no victimless sin. That’s because sin attacks who we are and our capacity for love. Sin makes us self-centered. So, when I sin, I hurt Alison because I’ve allowed evil to take a little more hold in my life.
Pope Benedict, in his fantastic 2nd Volume of “Jesus of Nazareth,” discusses sin as allowing evil to have power over us. He more specifically lays out this principle in discussing the betrayal of Judas. Bishop Paul Loverade, the Bishop of Arlington, VA, in his pastoral letter “Bought with a Price” talks about how each moral decision either brings us closer to integrity or closer to moral corruption.
Sin is like a chain. On the far right, the first link, is the venial sin. The more you sin, the more severe the sins become. You reach the last link when you commit a mortal sin. Flirting with a coworker might be the first link in the chain: wrong, but venial. As time goes on, and the flirting leads to more, without direct intervention, the chain ends in marital infidelity.
The thing about a chain though, is that it can be broken at any time. We know sin escalates. We know that we should avoid sin. But how?
Stop a mortal sin before it starts.
Sounds simple enough, yet practicing Catholics commit mortal sins every day.
In order to become the men we want to be, we’ve got to break the chain at the first possible point. The way we can do that is by cleaning up our lives. The movies we watch, the music we listen to, the books we read, and the conversations we partake in all have a direct effect on us. Again, as Bishop Loverade says, each choice is getting us closer to Heaven or closer to Hell.
By taking a look at the man we want to be (St. Joseph would be a great example), we can figure out what changes need to be made. It’s going to be hard, believe me. When I did this exercise, I determined that I should stop watching “Family Guy.” There are some parts of “Family Guy” that really disgust me, but by and large, I find the satire to be hilarious. Yet, I know that it’s pushing me in the opposite direction that I want to be going. When I want to watch the show, I ask this simple question, “Would I rather be the husband to Alison that she deserves or watch ‘Family Guy'?”
If you’ve fallen into mortal sin, remember the words of Jesus: “Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I did not come to call the righteous but sinners.” (Mk 2:14)
Be Persistent
Persistence is a virtue that is lost among many today. We see something we want, we try to get it, and when we fail on our first attempt, we walk away. This attitude towards life is wholly inconsistent with the kind of virtues we need in the married life.
In January 2011, six months after graduating from college, I weighed 197 lbs. Being 5’9”, that was way too much. I knew that I had an issue and I knew that getting back to a healthy weight would be difficult and would require persistence. So, I started weighing myself daily. Then I started exercising daily. Now, I keep a diligent food diary. Two years after that fateful January morning, I’m happy to report that I was down to 165 lbs.
It wasn’t easy. There were days (weeks, months) when I was gaining weight. I’d drop to 180 lbs, and then a few days later be back to 185 lbs. But I kept fighting and I kept pushing. I made better choices. Persistence allowed me to do something more. Not only did I lose the weight, I learned more about my body. I found out which foods made me feel better and how subtlety my body changes from day to day. I still have a few more pounds to go to my goal, but I know that I’ll make it.
In the United States, in all 50 states, you can get a no-fault divorce. It used to be that the law required more than mere inconvenience to substantiate a divorce. The legal system would make multiple attempts to resolve the differences between spouses before granting a divorce decree. Those safeguards are now gone. We even seem to encourage spouses to quit when the going gets tough.
In the spiritual life, we can be incredibly persistent. In fact, we’re encouraged to be. If your wife is sick, you don’t just throw out a Hail Mary and move on. You pray a rosary. You pray multiple rosaries. You pray until she’s better. That’s persistence. We need that.
Time and time again in the Bible, the virtue of persistence is lifted up as something that is good. It’s not nagging, it’s placing our trust in God and reminding ourselves constantly that we are. We know in our own lived experience that persistence pays off. When we work hard on the job over time, we are rewarded. When we work on a personal goal, though it may be difficult, it pays off.
When we’re persistent, we accomplish things. When we’re persistent at work, we are given more responsibility. When we’re persistent in prayer, we come to better know the heart of God. When we’re persistent in our marriages, we become better husbands. When we persist in our goals, we reach them.
Persistence requires overcoming resistance. In those moments of challenge, it becomes more about the destination than the journey. We can persist in any challenge when the goal is worthy.
Be Generous
We tend to think of generosity as costing us something.
Generosity fills us more deeply than anything else can. It brings a level of fulfillment and completeness that no selfish act could ever hope to achieve. It’s in generosity that we find completeness as human persons.
So be generous with your time.
Be generous with your talents.
Be generous with your resources.
Be generous with your wife.
Prayer Corner
We all have a way of giving physical spaces certain designations. The gym is the place where we work out. The library is where we read. The Parish is where we pray. While certainly those activities are all appropriate for those locations, we should still try to get a broader view of them. We can work out in our neighborhood, we can read at home, we can pray where we are.
While it isn’t strictly necessary to reserve a certain activity for a certain location, it can have clear benefits.
A few years ago, our Parish was replacing the confessional chairs. The chairs that they had were designed to go in a corner, were very ornate, and well crafted. They were, however, uncomfortable for our priests who had to sit in them for long periods of time.
They had four chairs. My mom bought two of them, my sister bought one, and I bought one. My sister is going to use it in the future for the “trouble chair” for her kids. I have mine in my bedroom as my prayer corner.
A few months ago, I setup a nice prayer corner in my room. It’s set apart, and I know that whenever I go there, I need to get into a prayerful mindset. The physical space, though small, conveys a sense of prayerfulness, a sense of the presence of God.
There are certain elements that give our mind cues as to the types of activities it should prepare for. The costume of workout clothes can help you better focus on your exercise and the pre-bed routine can start your brain getting ready for bed. In the same way, a prayer corner can get you to mentally prepare for prayer.
By setting aside a separate, holy space solely for prayer, you can have a higher quality daily prayer experience.
• A prayer corner can set your mental frame of mind. If the only thing you do in your prayer corner is pray, your mind will eventually get the message. Over time, you’ll find yourself getting more and more quality prayer time because your mind will turn off non-prayer thoughts in that space.
• Allows for easier storage of prayer material. There are a lot of chotskies in the Catholic faith. The problem is that they end up everywhere and must be disposed of in a specific manner. By setting up a prayer corner, you can have a place to store all of your prayer material. Your Bible, a rosary, and whatever else you use to pray is in one convenient, out of the way place.
• It creates a great place of silence. We all know that we live in a loud, busy world and that we should spend more time in silence. It can be difficult to fit that quiet time into our schedule, so we usually fall short. By creating a prayer corner with strict no-technology rules, you can better achieve this goal.
A prayer corner doesn’t have to be much. A chair, an end table and a lamp is really all it takes. Consider setting up a prayer corner in your home where you and your wife can get away from the world and rest awhile.
Retreats
In the Catholic Church, we spend a considerable amount of time educating our youth about the Faith. It’s almost a universal that youth ministry programs have, as their annual cornerstone, some type of a retreat. Retreats are a time for us to get away from our daily lives and focus solely on our relationship with God.
I attended Catholic High School, and retreats were an integral part of the annual curriculum. As I entered into my Senior Year, I was even a part of the retreat leadership team. The great thing about the retreat program was that it provided a quality retreat experience annually. I didn’t have to do any searching or planning, it was set. Since graduating High School, I haven’t been on a structured retreat. It’s much harder as an adult to find quality time to dedicate to worthy retreats.
Although it can be difficult to find a retreat to go on, we should try our best to seek them out; they’re an excellent tool in our spiritual life.
• Retreats offer a chance for reflection. We’re busy men with many obligations. It can be tiring and overwhelming to go, go, go. A significant problem with always going and never reflecting is that we can easily slip out of good habits and into bad ones. Our daily prayer life might slowly fade away and we may not even notice it. Retreats give us the chance to reset our spiritual priorities.
• Retreats can help you be a better person. A tall order, but entirely possible. There is something amazing about a retreat experience when you get back in touch, in a very real way, with God and your relationship grows stronger. You may have even heard of “coming off the mountain” as being a common post-retreat problem. It’s an experience where you have a real encounter with God and then have to go back into the harsh world that we live in. When the Apostles were up with Jesus on the mountain during the Transfiguration, they wanted to stay. They wanted to live in that constant grace. But we’re not called to live on the retreat mountain, we’re called to live in the world. It’s those “mountain top” experiences that give us the energy and inspiration to live our lives well.
• Retreats give you specific and powerful prayer time. It’s easy for your daily prayer to not be a priority. It’s a part of your day, sure, but it takes up so little time that we don’t really give it time to work. Retreats are 100% prayer time. Like anything when you give it your full focus, amazing things can happen.
We change the oil in our cars regularly and we go to the doctor for our annual physical, but we don’t give our souls the tune-ups that they need. Our souls need this time. So find a men’s retreat, schedule your own, or stay tuned to Catholic Husband and take advantage of some of the projects that we’ll be releasing over the rest of this year to keep your soul running in good condition!
The Transition
Today is an amazing day. Today is March 19th, the Feast of St. Joseph. One year ago today, Catholic Husband launched.
It’s truly amazing the difference a year can make. One year ago, I never would have imagined that I would still be on this mission. This blog has outlasted all other blogs I’ve created… combined!
One year ago, Alison and I had just found out that we were parents. Now, today, Benedict is here, sitting up, and laughing.
I wanted to mark this day in a very special way. Nothing could better encapsulate this past year than the release of my first book, The Transition.
Writing this blog, and authoring a book are two dreams that I’ve had for a long time. Today, they are both a reality. I wrote the book because we only get one chance to build our marriage right. I don’t want other guys to make the mistakes that I did or be ignorant as I was. This book sets you up for success. It walks you through the entire engagement process from thinking about proposing to your big day. I truly believe that this is a resource that can significantly improve men’s experience of engagement.
Both the blog and the book are realities that were made possible by you! I am daily honored by your support. It’s a great honor and joy personally for me to be able to share transparently my marital journey with you. I love interacting with you and learning from you. None of this would be possible without you, the reader. I hope that Alison and I’s efforts in this project have made your life better.
As I reflect on this past year, I’m even more excited about the many good things that I have in store for you. I’ve got a full schedule for 2014 of great resources and projects to spread the good news of marriage further!
Thank you for your support. I can’t wait to travel on this journey for another year with you.
Why I Love Lent
For many years growing up, I hated Lent. I hate the color purple and everything liturgical was so gloomy. There was no festivity, no excitement, no sizzle! I was, of course, wrong.
A few years ago, two things happened. First, I dug deeper into the concept of forgiveness and gained tremendous insight. To achieve true, pure forgiveness is a rare feat. Yet God achieves it every time I visit with Him in the Sacrament of Confession. Second, I did deeper study into the actual crucifixion of Christ. After being Catholic for a while, you sort of sanitize the whole deal. Jesus looks sad on the crucifixes that we see, but none of them really do justice to the sheer torture He endured. And I had a very real role in causing his pain.
Lent is actually a fabulous time. It’s a spring cleaning for your soul. You get to set time aside to take your faith really seriously and evaluate how you’re living. You get to hit the reset button and do better starting today. Here’s why I really love Lent:
• There are tons of graces. We have many opportunities to gain Indulgences, but it seems like Lent presents tons of bonus opportunities. Meditating on the Stations on the Cross or even praying particular prayers on Fridays are a few of the options for the baseline criteria. You have the other steps to take, but they get you started on Indulgence Avenue!
• There are lots of opportunities to enrich your faith. During Lent, your Parish probably has a multi-day Mission. They invite in a speaker who preaches for a series of evenings on a particular topic. It’s basically free education for your spiritual life. BOOM! They also might schedule a Penance Service or other speakers, family nights, and special events. It’s like the Easy-Bake Oven of the spiritual life.
• You get to explore new ways of Praying. Prayer doesn’t fit into a box. Lent encourages you to think of new ways to pray. There are sacrifice, almsgiving, and even the special things you do during Lent. Prayer isn’t always just words, sometimes it’s action. Lent gives us the chance to explore.
In conclusion, I was wrong. Lent is awesome. So let’s take advantage!
Be Responsible
The era of immaturity is dead.
As men, we get to enjoy the benefits of manhood. We can drink, buy guns, and stay out as late as we want. At the same time, we must accept the responsibility that manhood brings.
Alison has shared with me far too many stories from the hospital maternity ward of men who are shirking the responsibilities of fatherhood just as it’s beginning. It’s sad and it’s wrong.
As we grow older, we gain more responsibility. For some reason, we’ve equated responsibility with something negative. We think it’s boring, dull, or stupid.
Responsibility isn’t any of those things.
Responsibility is:
• Being a man. We have the duty to defend the defenseless. We have the duty to model good citizenship to those around us. We have the duty to meet the obligations that we have. This is the essence of man.
• Meeting the needs of your wife. Your wife has spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental needs. While we aren’t created to solely meet all of her needs, we are called to either meet them or help her find ways to meet them. We can’t abandon her under any circumstances.
• Putting yourself last. A real man knows that his needs, wants, and desires come last in his household. We are made to provide. We are made to serve. We are not made to be the center of our own universe.
You’ve made commitments, so honor them.
When God Says “No”
There is an experience that is common among all of us. There is something that you really want and so you pray for it. You pray your heart out. Then you don’t get it. Ouch.
What now?
I’ve had plenty of experiences when I prayed for something and it never happened. It’s a difficult time and can bring you close to a crisis of faith. What I’ve found is that it’s usually a good thing that I didn’t get what I asked for.
When you make a prayer of petition, God has three answers that He gives. “Yes," “No," and “Not now.” It’s when God says “no" that things are tough.
While it’s difficult to get yourself emotionally detached from the situation, you need to recognize first that God is your Father. As your Father, He’s got your best interest at heart. Maybe the thing that you’re asking for would be destructive to you!
A no is usually an invitation to grow in some virtue. That virtue is quite often patience. I like to get where I want to be as fast as humanly possible. But if I always get to take the shortcut, then I miss out on valuable lessons. These lessons help me grow to be a better person.
No matter what your prayer is, it’s always a good idea to be mindful of our motivations. If we are seeking something for our own greater glory, then perhaps that’s why God said “No.” Motivation matters, and you can’t hide your motives from God. He’s too smart.
So what do you do when God says no to your prayer?
• Say Thank You. You don’t know today what God saved you from, but gratitude is important. He’s holding you in existence and making sure you have all that you need, so keep perspective in your relationship. Be grateful for what you have and that He’s willing to show you some tough love.
• Pray about virtue. This “no" is going to help you grow in some virtue that you need growth in. Pray that you might seize the opportunity to grow in this area of your life.
• Reconsider your “needs.” What was this intention and why did you so desperately desire it? Prayerfully consider what you are asking God for and decide if it’s really a need in your life.
“No” is a part of our daily lives, even our spiritual walk. Instead of letting it sour your relationship with God, take the chance to improve it.