Faith
Retreats
In the Catholic Church, we spend a considerable amount of time educating our youth about the Faith. It’s almost a universal that youth ministry programs have, as their annual cornerstone, some type of a retreat. Retreats are a time for us to get away from our daily lives and focus solely on our relationship with God.
I attended Catholic High School, and retreats were an integral part of the annual curriculum. As I entered into my Senior Year, I was even a part of the retreat leadership team. The great thing about the retreat program was that it provided a quality retreat experience annually. I didn’t have to do any searching or planning, it was set. Since graduating High School, I haven’t been on a structured retreat. It’s much harder as an adult to find quality time to dedicate to worthy retreats.
Although it can be difficult to find a retreat to go on, we should try our best to seek them out; they’re an excellent tool in our spiritual life.
• Retreats offer a chance for reflection. We’re busy men with many obligations. It can be tiring and overwhelming to go, go, go. A significant problem with always going and never reflecting is that we can easily slip out of good habits and into bad ones. Our daily prayer life might slowly fade away and we may not even notice it. Retreats give us the chance to reset our spiritual priorities.
• Retreats can help you be a better person. A tall order, but entirely possible. There is something amazing about a retreat experience when you get back in touch, in a very real way, with God and your relationship grows stronger. You may have even heard of “coming off the mountain” as being a common post-retreat problem. It’s an experience where you have a real encounter with God and then have to go back into the harsh world that we live in. When the Apostles were up with Jesus on the mountain during the Transfiguration, they wanted to stay. They wanted to live in that constant grace. But we’re not called to live on the retreat mountain, we’re called to live in the world. It’s those “mountain top” experiences that give us the energy and inspiration to live our lives well.
• Retreats give you specific and powerful prayer time. It’s easy for your daily prayer to not be a priority. It’s a part of your day, sure, but it takes up so little time that we don’t really give it time to work. Retreats are 100% prayer time. Like anything when you give it your full focus, amazing things can happen.
We change the oil in our cars regularly and we go to the doctor for our annual physical, but we don’t give our souls the tune-ups that they need. Our souls need this time. So find a men’s retreat, schedule your own, or stay tuned to Catholic Husband and take advantage of some of the projects that we’ll be releasing over the rest of this year to keep your soul running in good condition!
The Transition
Today is an amazing day. Today is March 19th, the Feast of St. Joseph. One year ago today, Catholic Husband launched.
It’s truly amazing the difference a year can make. One year ago, I never would have imagined that I would still be on this mission. This blog has outlasted all other blogs I’ve created… combined!
One year ago, Alison and I had just found out that we were parents. Now, today, Benedict is here, sitting up, and laughing.
I wanted to mark this day in a very special way. Nothing could better encapsulate this past year than the release of my first book, The Transition.
Writing this blog, and authoring a book are two dreams that I’ve had for a long time. Today, they are both a reality. I wrote the book because we only get one chance to build our marriage right. I don’t want other guys to make the mistakes that I did or be ignorant as I was. This book sets you up for success. It walks you through the entire engagement process from thinking about proposing to your big day. I truly believe that this is a resource that can significantly improve men’s experience of engagement.
Both the blog and the book are realities that were made possible by you! I am daily honored by your support. It’s a great honor and joy personally for me to be able to share transparently my marital journey with you. I love interacting with you and learning from you. None of this would be possible without you, the reader. I hope that Alison and I’s efforts in this project have made your life better.
As I reflect on this past year, I’m even more excited about the many good things that I have in store for you. I’ve got a full schedule for 2014 of great resources and projects to spread the good news of marriage further!
Thank you for your support. I can’t wait to travel on this journey for another year with you.
Why I Love Lent
For many years growing up, I hated Lent. I hate the color purple and everything liturgical was so gloomy. There was no festivity, no excitement, no sizzle! I was, of course, wrong.
A few years ago, two things happened. First, I dug deeper into the concept of forgiveness and gained tremendous insight. To achieve true, pure forgiveness is a rare feat. Yet God achieves it every time I visit with Him in the Sacrament of Confession. Second, I did deeper study into the actual crucifixion of Christ. After being Catholic for a while, you sort of sanitize the whole deal. Jesus looks sad on the crucifixes that we see, but none of them really do justice to the sheer torture He endured. And I had a very real role in causing his pain.
Lent is actually a fabulous time. It’s a spring cleaning for your soul. You get to set time aside to take your faith really seriously and evaluate how you’re living. You get to hit the reset button and do better starting today. Here’s why I really love Lent:
• There are tons of graces. We have many opportunities to gain Indulgences, but it seems like Lent presents tons of bonus opportunities. Meditating on the Stations on the Cross or even praying particular prayers on Fridays are a few of the options for the baseline criteria. You have the other steps to take, but they get you started on Indulgence Avenue!
• There are lots of opportunities to enrich your faith. During Lent, your Parish probably has a multi-day Mission. They invite in a speaker who preaches for a series of evenings on a particular topic. It’s basically free education for your spiritual life. BOOM! They also might schedule a Penance Service or other speakers, family nights, and special events. It’s like the Easy-Bake Oven of the spiritual life.
• You get to explore new ways of Praying. Prayer doesn’t fit into a box. Lent encourages you to think of new ways to pray. There are sacrifice, almsgiving, and even the special things you do during Lent. Prayer isn’t always just words, sometimes it’s action. Lent gives us the chance to explore.
In conclusion, I was wrong. Lent is awesome. So let’s take advantage!
Be Responsible
The era of immaturity is dead.
As men, we get to enjoy the benefits of manhood. We can drink, buy guns, and stay out as late as we want. At the same time, we must accept the responsibility that manhood brings.
Alison has shared with me far too many stories from the hospital maternity ward of men who are shirking the responsibilities of fatherhood just as it’s beginning. It’s sad and it’s wrong.
As we grow older, we gain more responsibility. For some reason, we’ve equated responsibility with something negative. We think it’s boring, dull, or stupid.
Responsibility isn’t any of those things.
Responsibility is:
• Being a man. We have the duty to defend the defenseless. We have the duty to model good citizenship to those around us. We have the duty to meet the obligations that we have. This is the essence of man.
• Meeting the needs of your wife. Your wife has spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental needs. While we aren’t created to solely meet all of her needs, we are called to either meet them or help her find ways to meet them. We can’t abandon her under any circumstances.
• Putting yourself last. A real man knows that his needs, wants, and desires come last in his household. We are made to provide. We are made to serve. We are not made to be the center of our own universe.
You’ve made commitments, so honor them.
When God Says “No”
There is an experience that is common among all of us. There is something that you really want and so you pray for it. You pray your heart out. Then you don’t get it. Ouch.
What now?
I’ve had plenty of experiences when I prayed for something and it never happened. It’s a difficult time and can bring you close to a crisis of faith. What I’ve found is that it’s usually a good thing that I didn’t get what I asked for.
When you make a prayer of petition, God has three answers that He gives. “Yes," “No," and “Not now.” It’s when God says “no" that things are tough.
While it’s difficult to get yourself emotionally detached from the situation, you need to recognize first that God is your Father. As your Father, He’s got your best interest at heart. Maybe the thing that you’re asking for would be destructive to you!
A no is usually an invitation to grow in some virtue. That virtue is quite often patience. I like to get where I want to be as fast as humanly possible. But if I always get to take the shortcut, then I miss out on valuable lessons. These lessons help me grow to be a better person.
No matter what your prayer is, it’s always a good idea to be mindful of our motivations. If we are seeking something for our own greater glory, then perhaps that’s why God said “No.” Motivation matters, and you can’t hide your motives from God. He’s too smart.
So what do you do when God says no to your prayer?
• Say Thank You. You don’t know today what God saved you from, but gratitude is important. He’s holding you in existence and making sure you have all that you need, so keep perspective in your relationship. Be grateful for what you have and that He’s willing to show you some tough love.
• Pray about virtue. This “no" is going to help you grow in some virtue that you need growth in. Pray that you might seize the opportunity to grow in this area of your life.
• Reconsider your “needs.” What was this intention and why did you so desperately desire it? Prayerfully consider what you are asking God for and decide if it’s really a need in your life.
“No” is a part of our daily lives, even our spiritual walk. Instead of letting it sour your relationship with God, take the chance to improve it.
Why You Don’t Pray with Her
You don’t make the time.
It isn’t a priority.
You’ve never asked.
You’ve never done it before.
No one taught you.
You don’t know where to start.
You’re scared.
Today’s the day to start.
Ponder Your Mistakes
Pride is one of the seven deadly sins. It’s a fatal character flaw that is regularly found in men. Certainly women can be guilty of the sin of pride, but it seems to almost be ingrained in the male psyche. Pride blinds us to our shortcomings, robbing us of our chance to become a better person.
I’m really bad about dwelling on my past mistakes. It seems like it’s easier for me to remember all of the wrong things I’ve done in the past, as opposed to many of the wonderful experiences I’ve been able to have. For a long time, I’d try to change the subject. I would focus on something else and hope that the bad memories would go away. What I didn’t realize was that considering my past mistakes, especially my past sins, can be an extraordinary tool in the spiritual and married life.
You’re not the boy you used to be. You’re a man. It’s ok to recognize that you haven’t always made the right choices and sometimes, you couldn’t have been more wrong. Perfect is a myth. In fact, it’s a lie. It’s literally impossible for you to be perfect. As a human, you are, by definition, imperfect. Trying to be perfect is trying to make yourself God. Not going to happen.
The past is an excellent teacher, not a best friend. The past is for learning, for understanding, and for course correction. It’s more of a lighthouse than a ship. When you dwell on the past, you miss the present and that’s a real shame.
It seems that there’s a balance that needs to be struck. We have to spend enough time contemplating our past mistakes to learn valuable lessons, but not so long that we become obsessive about them. Pondering your mistakes have some real tangible benefits.
• It can show you God’s capacity for love. We’ve all done some serious sinning. If we were put in God’s position, we wouldn’t forgive, let alone forget, our egregious transgressions. And there’s the beauty. We can sit there in awe of God’s great love and mercy.
• It can show you God’s role in your life. When we conquer sin, it’s easy to start to think that we did it on our own. We might even get a bit prideful (see what I did there?) and taunt the Devil. That never works. When we know the sin we were in and see what our life is like free from it, it makes it transparently clear that God is actively involved in our lives.
• It makes our flaws transparent. When you’re overweight, you can’t hide it in the mirror. After all, you can only hold in your breath for so long. An honest look at our lives can help us see where we need to learn and grow. Only a review of our lives can help us see patterns that are the symptoms of deeper problems.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You know more than you used to. But don’t be so soft that your mistakes don’t inspire change. Strike the balance, effect change, and do it right starting today.
The Benefits of Regular Confession
Every 3 months or 3,000 miles, you’re supposed to take your car in for routine maintenance. It’s a normal routine to keep your car in tip top shape. If you ignore it long enough, your car can experience bigger problems which end up costing you big money.
We regularly maintain our cars, yet we fail to regularly maintain our souls.
I was listening to “The Catholic Guy Show” on SiriusXM last year and Mark Hart (The Bible Geek) was on the show. The host, Lino, was asking Mark what his secret to an awesome marriage is. Mark replied that it was regular use of the Sacrament of Confession. For some reason, those words have stuck with me. The Church asks that the faithful go at least once a year, but that just isn’t often enough for me. I try to go every other week or at least once a month. I’m a failure and I need help. I gain the great graces that I need to get through the day from this Sacrament.
Making frequent use of the Sacrament of Confession has some real, tangible benefits.
• You can seed trends emerge. Confess the same sin enough times, you start to get the clue that you’ve got an issue. By regularly receiving the Sacrament, you take the time to reflect on your actions and determine what corrective measures are required.
• You bathe in graces. Reconciliation, like all Sacraments, is an atomic bomb of graces. These are graces not just to help you heal the hurt you’ve caused and ease the guilt you feel, they are so potent that they carry through beyond the Sacrament. They help you grow in love and help you to make better choices moving forward.
• It keeps your relationship with God in perspective. Comprehending God’s love is impossible this side of Heaven. By humbling yourself and presenting yourself in the Sacrament, you are reminded of your place in this relationship. You are the wayward son. You’re not without merit, but you’re not without faults. It’s comforting being the child in a relationship, because you know that the parent will always take care of your best interests. You’re not God, so let Him do what He does best.
If you haven’t been to confession in a while, pull out your bulletin, find out when your parish offers the Sacrament, and head on over.
Destroying Bad Habits
Over the course of our lives, we develop many habits. Some of these habits will take us further than we ever thought possible. Others will chip away at our core, little by little. The tricky thing about habits is that sometimes they sneak up on us. We slide into them until it’s too late. Then we’re stuck. Habits can be remarkably easy to form, and nearly impossible to break.
A few months ago, I developed a horrible habit. I ignored my alarm clock. Not just hitting snooze a couple of times and then begrudgingly getting out of bed. I’m talking about waking up (eventually) and not remembering hearing or turning off my alarm. It was dangerous for two reasons. First, because I was missing out on the morning, which for me is the most productive time for me personally. Second, because I ran the risk of being late for my first appointments. I knew I couldn’t wander out of this bad habit. I had to destroy it.
Bad habits hold you back. If your bad habit is overeating, you’ll gain weight. Gain enough weight and you’ll lose energy. Your health will decline. As your health declines, you’ll develop life-threatening illnesses. You’ll no longer be able to do some of the things that you love. All of it started with simply eating too much. That’s the power of a habit.
You’ll be better off when you destroy these bad habits. Don’t take them all on at the same time, you’ll surely fail. Focusing on the worst habit until it’s dead and then moving on to the next is your best bet. You may have been stuck in bad habits for years, but now is the time to plot a better path forward. Here’s how.
• Identify what leads you to the habit. Our behaviors and decisions are like a chain. Each link in the chain leads us to the outcome. If we break a link, we break the chain. Smaller actions and events are the links, and the chain is the decision. For example, you overeat because you’re sad because you saw an old friend is doing well on Facebook, which you were on because you were bored, which you were on because you decided to idly surf the internet instead of reading a book. If this occurs on a regular basis, then you can avoid overeating by avoiding idle surfing. You have to break a link before you get to the end of the chain. You know your triggers, and if you don’t, careful reflection can help you identify them.
• Find why you’re doing the habit. How did this habit start? At what point in your life did you start? What emotions drive you to them? This can be a painful step because you really have to face yourself in the mirror and call it like it is. This is where you face the cold hard truth. Maybe you’re looking to fill a void in all of the wrong places. Maybe this is where you find out that your wife isn’t meeting an emotional need of yours. Maybe this this where you find that you’re asking your wife to fill a void that isn’t her responsibility. Understanding your motivations will help you take steps in the right direction.
• Make a plan. Now that you know your triggers and motivations, it’s time to plan to avoid them. Put up barriers. Do something crazy. Bad habits must be destroyed! It’s going to be significantly harder to defeat them than it was to form them. So, for each trigger, find three ways to get around them. Then, when you’re in the trigger’s vicinity, choose an action plan and move around it.
• Expect failure. You’re not perfect. You didn’t form this habit in a day. So don’t expect to defeat it in a day. You’ll fail plenty of times. The trick is to not despair. Don’t give up. Go back to the drawing board, come up with a new plan, and attack again. Keep this strategy up long enough, and you’ll find success.
Changing your life is never easy. But changing your life is worth it.
Trusting God
You really can’t go wrong placing your trust in God. Still, it’s one of the hardest things we can do as people. Trusting in God means letting go of control and we really like control.
The times when I find my trust in God to be weakest tends to be around major life choices. There is almost an element of superstition. I will take steps that I think will get me to where I want to be, but then I’m superstitious about inaction. If I don’t do this thing, then I won’t get what I want. I trust God right up to the point where I don’t trust Him. I have to participate in His Will in order for things to happen, meaning that my actions are His instruments. It makes trust almost a mental exercise. It’s all about my attitude.
When I have the attitude that God is in control and will take care of things, I get peace. When I don’t, I get stress.
We have to find the balance between trusting and cooperating. God isn’t going to appear and give me a promotion at work, but my hard work in concert with prayer might. God isn’t going to show up and pay off my credit cards, but my planning and sacrifice with prayer might.
This is a path to holiness because it’s full of patience. We don’t always know what we need or we might ask for something that’s actually quite harmful to us. If the answer to our prayer is to “wait” or is “no,” God might be inviting us to grow in other virtues.
That also makes this path full of temptation. The Devil’s great sin was that of pride and boy can we be prideful when we’re asking God for favors. We lose the trust/cooperate balance when we stop praying. The moment that we think we can go it without Him is the moment we succumb to pride.
We must be humble in approaching the Throne of God and remember our place in the relationship. He is the parent, we are the child. We want to live in harmony with our parents and we want them to grant our wishes, but we also need to remember that they always have our best interests at heart.