You Must Decrease
Men usually don’t like to be humble. We can see humility as a weakness. That is foolish of us.
The times when you get into trouble, when there is strife in your relationships, those are the times when you are focused too much on yourself. When we make our lives all about us, we can easily start to sin. Greed, lust, pride, and gluttony become all too easy.
When you are married, the challenge is elevated. You promised to love and protect your wife. Along with that promise, you agreed to be the head of your household, the model of the Christian Life. You agreed to step into the shoes of St. Joseph, with little hope of ever filling them.
The perfect antidote to this pride is to make your life about your wife. Instead of watching what you want to watch, offer to view one of her shows. Instead of insisting on her doing her chores all the time, why don’t you take care of them? Despite what you may think, some men have been successful at operating a washing machine and folding clothes.
The point is this. If you make your marriage about your wife, and she makes it about you, everyone will be taken care of. Even if this is a priority to you and not to her, your marriage will still be better with one less person only looking out only for themselves.
The same is true with the Spiritual life. Pope Francis recently was talking about social climbers in the Church. These are individuals who seek influence and power by being “promoted” to various positions in the Church. Pope Francis asked why they are trying to steal the glory that is due solely to Christ. That is true for us in our families. Christ has won the victory, why should we try to move in on it?
To quote the Gospel of St. John, “He must increase; I must decrease.” (Jn 3:30)
Family Merging
When you get married, you become something totally new.
Two worlds, two families, two long lines of rich tradition must now form a unique hybrid. It is the opportunity for you and your spouse to create something that is truly your own. However, you should proceed with caution.
For both spouses, there are elements of life that must be preserved. The important elements that much be preserved depends on the person. For me, a big element was food. I like most kinds of food, but I can still be picky. It was important that I was eating recipes that I was accustomed to in order to feel “normal.” For you, it may be other elements such as household decor, time of Mass on Sundays, holiday plans and traditions.
The early days of your marriage are the most precarious. You are two people who may be used to living on your own for some time, trying to get back into the routine of living in community. That means that you might not be able to leave your clothes piled on the bed anymore. You must be sensitive to the wants, needs, and desires of your spouse.
The best way to merge two families is communication. Sharing what is important and what you value with your spouse can make it easier for them to understand your vision for your life together. Listening to your spouse’s sharing can do the same for you.
There are two things that will make your life easier:
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Be open to new ways of doing things
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Be slow to judgement on new things
Your spouse wants to invite you into their very personal family traditions and you want to do the same. The worst thing you could do is refuse to participate. You may like their traditions more than your own, or you both together might develop a fun hybrid. This can go a long way in the emotional bonding that will need to take place in the building of the foundation of your marriage.
Second, be slow to judgement on new things. As humans, we don’t like change. However, when we put up barriers, we close off the possibility of us getting to enjoy something new. Take your time, understand the tradition, and enjoy the discovery process.
Merging families isn’t easy, but at the end of the process, you will both have a deeper and richer unique set of family traditions that your children will enjoy all the days of their lives.
You Define Your Success
Success is the currency that we all chase. No matter what we do, we seek success.
The tricky thing with success is that there isn’t a clear definition. There is no universal definition of success. We know it when we see it, but we can’t fully articulate it.
When I started writing, I spent a considerable amount of time trying to define what success in my writing looked like. After studying and pondering this question, I came to the following conclusion. It is wise to define success based on variables that you can control.
When we define ourselves as successful measuring with or using variables that we cannot completely control, we deny ourselves the right to be happy. We are happy when we have reached a level of success.
If I told myself that I’ll be a success when I play in my first Major League Baseball game, I may never make my mark. I could help 10,000 people, revolutionize myself, be the best husband, but still consider myself a failure. I can’t control the variable of being called up to the Big Leagues.
However, if I define myself as successful when my family’s needs are taken care of, my wife is my number one priority, and I always apply myself fully to whatever I’m doing, then success is attainable.
That is not to say that you should make it easy. You can’t lie to yourself. You can’t completely fool yourself. Make it challenging, make it a behavior that must be done consistently over time. But make it attainable.
Stop using other people’s definition of success. Set goals, make them reachable, and pursue them relentlessly.
Use Your Work to Evangelize
The other day I was in a one-on-one meeting with a local business owner. I met him through my wife. We had a great meeting, one of the most diverse of my career.
He did not grow up Catholic, and at one point, he considered being a missionary or pastor. He later decided to instead go into business. He named his company a markedly Catholic name.
I asked him a simple question that led to a profound revelation: Do you use the name of your company as a starting point for evangelization?
Today, many do not consider their work holy. We think that the only holy jobs are those in direct parish ministry. But we are all called to evangelize the world! The laity, working in concert with those in the clerical life, can reach the greatest number of people.
Your work is meant to be an opportunity to evangelize. I don’t mean that you should be quoting the Bible in every meeting or on Monday morning tell everyone that your weekend was “Eucharistic.” In fact, I don’t think you even need to initiate the conversation.
Your opportunities to evangelize often come to you. Other people will initiate the conversation. How many times have people complained to you about the Church, or asked you about the new Pope? How many times have you heard someone misquoting Church teaching or wonder aloud about a particular tradition? These are the moments for us to shine.
What do we do instead? We shy away. We change the subject. Wrong.
The great thing about these instances is that the ice has been broken. You don’t have to figure out a clever segue into the subject. They’ve teed up the ball and you just have to take a shot.
The next time you’re at work and your Catholic faith comes up, use it as an opportunity to inform or defend. You’ll be glad you did.
She’s Perfect
Your wife is perfect for you. She is exactly what you need.
From the beginning of time and space, you were both meant to be together, to form a domestic Church.
Think about that for a few moments. In all of time and space, you two found each other. The perfect background story set you both up for success. It is because of past relationships and hurts that you were both looking for something particular. It was through a very complex chain of choices that you both met each other, against all odds. Two people finding each other in an ocean of 6 billion people.
That says something to me, and I hope it says something to you. It is no accident that you met. It is no accident that you got married.
Life doesn’t happen on accident. This truth speaks something very clear to me.
If, against all odds, you found each other, there must be a particular reason. Divine Providence brought you together, go make something of it!
Spring Cleaning
Some people don’t like spring cleaning. The thought of spending your entire weekend working is not very appealing.
What if you saw it in a different light? What if you saw it as the perfect opportunity for you and your wife to spend quality time together.
My wife and I had two reasons for spring cleaning this year. First, we got a garage at our apartment and so we were able to move a lot of stuff out of our apartment and into our garage. Second, we needed to make room for our baby.
I got back into town (I was away for a week on business) and we got right to work on Saturday morning. We moved this, packed that, pitched this and reorganized that. It was exhausting, but it equated to so many hours of quality time together.
It wasn’t us in front of the TV, or us both on our computers in the same room. It was us working together, communicating, interacting with each other. What a bonding experience!
There are many things in our lives that are like spring cleaning. We see them for their negative attributes instead of seeing them as opportunities. A day working in the yard, going grocery shopping, cleaning up your home; these are all opportunities for you to spend time alone with your wife.
You aren’t quiet during these times! You may have music on, but you talk and learn about each other. You show your love through tiny acts of service like getting her a drink of water or her handing you a tool. You connect. You are working together to make your home a better place to live.
Stop seeing work as a negative. Find a way to work with your wife on a project and enjoy the common good.
Toilet Paper
The other night, as I was getting ready for bed, I noticed that we were almost out of toilet paper in our bathroom.
Typically there are four rolls in the Master Bath. There is one on the hook plus three in reserves. It was late and I knew my pregnant wife would be up several times throughout the night to go to the bathroom.
She was all tucked into bed and I was finishing brushing my teeth. I had a decision to make.
She was the last one to use it, so technically it was up to her to replenish our supply. But, she was already in bed, gently drifting off to sleep. I could just as easily walk into the other room to grab a few more rolls.
This crossroads was like many others we face in our marriage. The opportunity to serve our wives, or the chance to have justice.
A feeling of justice is short lived, the consequences of service are lasting.
I hope you choose to serve and to love.
If She’s Not With You, Don’t Do It
Having a good wife is a great blessing.
Not all men have good wives. Some women only care about themselves. Sadly, many men have this same problem.
A good wife, though, is worth more than one might expect. Here are a few of the benefits of having one (this list is not inclusive):
• She is a sounding board
• She can see your blind spots
• She knows how you think and can expand on your ideas
Naturally, your wife is more than an auxiliary brain. She is a whole human person. The value that she adds to your life, however, is beyond measure.
That is why whenever you embark on a major journey, task, career move, or project, you really shouldn’t go it alone. In fact, doing just that can be a detriment to your marriage.
When you work on a major project without your wife, you can leave her feeling alienated. She may have input that she would like to give. She might know of a better way of doing something. She may even have done something similar in the past and can help you avoid pitfalls.
Working on a project with your wife can actually enhance your work. With her support behind you, your success may know no bounds. Why? It is no longer just you pushing and having to drag her behind. You are both pulling, together.
Your wife is your inner circle. She is your primary support network. She can push you out of bed early in the morning. She can give you words of encouragement as you are starting to fail. She can give you wise counsel at a moment’s notice.
Don’t ignore this powerful tool in your toolbox. The support of your wife will carry you farther, faster than anything else can.
She is a gift from God. Cherish her.
Choosing Your Pain
In your marriage, there will be pain. This is inevitable.
There are three types of pain. Some of the pain you will have no control over. Other pain you will cause. The worst pain of all is that which is totally avoidable, but through your choices, you introduce it into your life.
The key to pain is minimizing it. You can’t choose when people you love will die, but you can choose how you treat your wife. If you spend years neglecting the gift of your wife, how much pain do you think you’ll go through when you try to re-engage and she has emotionally checked out?
I want to focus on the third type of pain, that which can be prevented The third type is the worst, by far. The pain comes primarily from the knowledge that you don’t have to go through it, that you could have made different choices and avoided the hurt.
Well, the easiest example is debt. You chose to borrow money you didn’t have (to impress people you don’t like), and at some point, the money has to be repaid. Your choice, your consequence-there will be pain. Oh, there will be pain.
How do you deal with it?
You will have to make choices that you don’t want to. You will have to sell something you love, stop doing something you like, or work harder than you ever have before.
Yet, even here, pain offers you a rose. If you and your wife can join together in choosing which pain you prefer, you can find strength.
It will still be hard and it will still hurt. But you won’t be facing it alone.
Do good. Avoid pain. When you do find it, make sure you are on the right side of it. Which side is the right side? The one that puts you and your wife on the same team.
Bringing Roadtrips Home
I love taking road trips with my wife.
The reason?
It provides hours of quality communication. It is just the two of us. The really cool thing about many of the road trips that we’ve been on is that it has become dream time.
Why are road trips the ideal incubator for conversation? There are no distractions. There is no television, no computer. Certainly there are iPads and iPhones, but the car has a natural way of making it less appealing to do heavy reading while in motion.
I think the environment of a car trip is something that we need to replicate in our homes. It is almost too difficult to have a great conversation when a television is in the room, even if it is turned off.
You need to actively work towards a “conversation zone” where you can focus just on each other. These talks are refreshing and they meet a deep need to be heard and understood.