Speak Well of Her
How you speak about your wife when she is not around says a lot about the kind of man that you are.
Early in my marriage, people in my life, especially at work, would ask me about the “old ball and chain.” They would use other typical phrases, too. It wasn’t meant to be mean spirited, it was meant to be a joke.
I’m sorry to say that I went along with the joke. I wasted a perfect teachable moment. I was not honest with them.
I should have answered that things were going well, because we had both entered into the Sacrament with maturity. I should have answered that we were learning more about each other each day.
Instead I let it be dismissed as a joke.
Just as we are given the opportunity to witness to our Faith on a daily basis in the public square, we are given that same opportunity to witness to strong marriages.
The way you speak about your wife matters.
If people hear you do nothing but complain about her, then you are part of the problem. You are justifying their unreasonable assumptions about marriage. You are confirming in their mind that marriage is a trial and not worth their time.
If instead you share the glorious moments and conversations; if you share the acts of service and love, then you do everyone a favor. You communicate truth and honesty.
By speaking well of your wife, you are convincing people that marriage is something to be cherished. You are demonstrating how life is beautiful. You are witnessing to the true essence of marriage: love.
Of course, if you always use flowery words, people will dismiss you as still in your “Honeymoon Phase.” There is certainly a balance. You should share some challenges, but note that there is a difference between sharing a challenge and speaking poorly of your spouse.
Be mindful of this opportunity. When people ask how the married life is, be honest and share with them the joy that you have experienced as a result of the Sacrament.
She’ll Drive You Nuts
It is getting pretty hard to find a guarantee anymore. But I’m all about adding value, so I’ll give you one right here.
Your wife? Your one true love? The one made for you? She’ll drive you nuts!
I know, it’s hard to hear it from me. It’s worst coming from a guy who just a few weeks ago posted an article called “She’s Perfect.”
Well she is perfect. But living together in matrimony, let’s just say there’s an adjustment period.
You don’t notice you own habits while you’re living as a single man. But boy do they come out in your first weeks of marriage.
The things you do are going to drive her crazy. The things she does are going to drive you crazy.
If you’re neat, she’s a mess. If you can’t clean to save your life, your pad is going to be sparkling and you won’t be able to find a dang thing.
No matter what, you’ll hate it.
But don’t miss the point.
The point is not how we organize our stuff or on what schedule we clean.
The point is that you are now a Domestic Church. The point is, now you are joined as one.
Habits and idiosyncrasies, those are superficial. Your love, your true, pure love, that’s deep.
So, when she’s driving you crazy, realize you are seeing this on a superficial level. Go deeper and respond in love.
Nothing Sexier Than an AIDS Test
Let’s get real.
There is nothing sexier than getting an AIDS test with your fiancee. (Not even a long walk on the beach at sunset!)
And that’s the only proof that I need to prove that the Church is right on celibacy for singles.
For 2,000 years, the Church has maintained that our human sexuality, an integral part of our personhood, is sacred. It is not meant for us to horde or use selfishly. We are called to preserve it as a gift for our spouse.
Today, the world says it is remotely part of you but only there for your own gratification.
If you listen to the world, you’ll be able to have an experience unlike any other! You have finally found the woman you want to marry. You are more in love with her than any woman before her. You propose, she says yes. Success!
Then you walk, hand in hand, to your Doctor’s office to get tested for sexually transmitted infections. Now that’s a love story!
It’s just not a love story that I’m interested in.
Saving your sexuality for marriage is the best gift you can give your spouse. She will have no infections to worry about, no standards to compare to. It will just be both of you, together, in mutual self gift.
No blood sample required.
It’s A Race to the Top!
“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war." - GK Chesterton
When my wife first showed me that quote, I hated it.
Those words were spoken (or maybe written) by G.K. Chesterton. I looked on Google, but it wasn’t in the top five results, so I stopped trying to find the source.
GK is an Englishman from the early 1900s who has been featured in a few Marriage Quote Wednesdays here in the Field Manual.
I won’t pretend to know what Chesterton meant by the quote, especially since I have zero context. But, what I think he might have been getting at was that war has a lot of unknowns and that’s what makes it exciting. You prepare, you take your gear, and you take a chance.
I hated the quote because I put it in the box in my mind marked “Worldview of Marriage.” That worldview sucks. From that view point Marriage is a drag; it’s hell. I get no time for myself, I never get to pick the movie, and my wife tells me what I do and do not like to eat. As Bernie Mac said in the recent remake of “Guess Who” (2005), “It’s a war!”
That negative worldview is the main reason why I started this Field Manual. Marriage isn’t a war between husband and wife. It isn’t hell. It isn’t a war between parents and children. It doesn’t suck. It’s a love story.
Not a Taylor Swift love story, but a true love story. A true love story has only winners. Taylor’s love stories have one winner (her) and a ton of losers (every man she sings about).
Marriage is a story in which all of the characters have the golden opportunity to win.
Did you know that? Did you know that you can win at Marriage?
I’ll even throw in the secret, just because you’ve read this far.
The way you win is by loving your spouse more than you love yourself.
Full disclaimer: I love me. A lot.
I’m awesome. I’m funny, intelligent, and witty. People like me, I drive an awesome car (Prius), I have a cat, and I pay my own bills. I have a unique job, I like cycling, and I walk almost 90,000 steps a week (US average is 21,000). I have an iPhone, an iPad, an iMac, and an AppleTV. People are lucky to know me! I’m the total package.
So if I can love my wife more than I love that guy in the mirror, I’ve definitely won.
The real magic happens when you realize that your wife is on the same mission. She’s trying to love me more than she loves herself. It’s a race to the top!
We’re human, so we won’t reach perfect. That’s what makes the love story so spicy. We fall, we fail, but we get up and keep striving to reach perfection.
So, if you’re afraid that you’re going to be a terrible husband, keep this entry in mind. If you’re married and you’re slacking, it’s time to change this thing.
The best defense against being a deadbeat husband is a good offense of love.
Let’s do this.
Coming Home
Coming home can be the best part of your day!
Your work is over, and you get to now focus on the things you want to focus on: your wife and your family.
No matter who gets home first, you should always prepare for the arrival of your spouse.
When you come in the door, drop your stuff and acknowledge your wife. Don’t go into the office and put your things down and start your routine.
Acknowledge her important place in your life!
I am very guilty of trying to put my things down first, and I don’t always do a great job of saying hello and having some “us” time. That is a mistake on my part… this is important!
You both labor throughout the day separate from each other. Now you are able to finally be with the one you love!
If you are the first one home, when your wife comes in, stop what you’re doing. Go to the door and greet her.
This communicates your love for her. If you have kids, it is also a great example for them!
You are about to start an evening together. Make that first moment a capstone of your days.
When You’re In A Drought, Turn on the Sprinkler
There will be dry days.
Not just outside, but inside.
There will be days, perhaps even weeks or months where you feel that you’ve lost your flare. Perhaps you’ll feel that way about your marriage or maybe it will be your faith walk.
There is a perfect solution to every drought.
Turn on the sprinkler.
You have the ability to shift your mental focus. You have the ability to change the game.
When you’re in a time of drought, figure out what your main negative emotion is and push the opposite of it, hard.
If you feel alone and separated from you wife, go cuddle with her.
If you feel like you’re not getting anything out of your prayer life, change the routine.
You are the only variable that you can control. Don’t wait for a solution to magically present itself. You never know when the sky is going to cooperate.
Be the rain.
Avoid the Dangers of the Internet
The internet is awesome.
With the internet, you are able to connect with people in ways never before possible.
Growing up, my dad was in the military. Every year or two, we’d move. I would have really great friendships that would end because we were no longer able to communicate.
I graduated from college three years ago and still connect with my friends on a daily basis!
This is a blessing. It is a blessing to be able to get the best information on any subject, to maintain bonds of friendship, and to “feel” close to your family. It is a blessing to share ultrasound photos of your first child to your family 700 miles away.
As a husband, the internet is also a huge liability.
Here’s why.
Technology is a double edged sword. It can inform, but it can also destroy. According to an article in the New York Post, the word “Facebook” appeared in 1/3 of divorce filings in the United States. Affairs both physical and emotional are easier than ever to wander into.
It is all so innocent. Reconnecting with a friend from high school who you had a thing with can be fun. And that’s where the danger is. Fun turns into emotional infidelity and beyond that, maybe physical infidelity. The internet can be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Here is how I have dealt with this potential threat:
• I don’t use technologies that can easily lead to sexting (ex. Snapchat)
• I severely limit my time on Facebook, and typically only use it when my wife is home
• I have clear boundaries with what types of communication and humor are appropriate, especially in text messages
I’m not batting .1000, but I have a plan. The best way to defeat a threat is to eliminate it’s potential. You wouldn’t pull a Ron Swanson and store your oily rags over your wood burning stove.
Bottom line, remember that the internet can exaggerate reality. You chose your wife for a reason, well, hopefully more than one. Keep those reasons in mind. See the potential for disaster and avoid the possibility.
Happiness: Width vs. Depth
So, you’re considering getting married?
You are all excited about your potential future with this woman. You are reveling in the feeling when one of your bum friends comes up to you and ruins your day. “How can you be with just one person for your whole life?”
It’s a common objection. After all, we are a consumer generation. We consume commodities and sadly, people.
When you’re an eligible bachelor, you are a lion. You are tearing through the jungle of love chasing anything that moves. You enjoy the thrill of the chase while your mane flutters in the wind.
The game is fun, there’s no denying that). You have a young lady in mind and you must play your cards right to secure that first date.
But how do you keep that first date feeling going 10 years into a marriage? The chase is over.
The problem is with your thinking. You are confusing the width and depth of happiness.
When you’re on the prowl, you’re securing a shallow level of happiness. Shallow doesn’t mean bad. After all, a good thing is good only in moderation. Trying to achieve a shallow level of happiness is an appropriate place to be on the first few dates.
If you think you’re going to experience the same levels of excitement in your married life, you are truly setting your marriage up for failure.
Dating is a short game. Marriage is a long game.
While dating, you are in one phase of life: young(ish), bachelor, no kids.
While married, you pass through multiple phases of life: young and no kids, first time parent, multi-child family, empty-nesters, grandparent.
In marriage, you don’t seek the shallow happiness, you go deeper. Your joy is found in the life you build with your wife for your family. Your joy comes from getting to know someone exclusively. That continual shared experience is what drives your happiness.
There will be shallow level happiness in marriage. But it is not what you are going for. Deep happiness (aka joy) is the sweet spot of marriage.
Enjoy the bachelor life while you are in that state. When you pledge your love to a woman on your wedding day, turn off the consumer mentality and start to dig deeper.
Going to Mass Together
Going to Mass as a family is important.
As a married couple, together you form a domestic Church. The center of your family’s life is the Eucharist. The Church asks us to attend Mass every weekend not for Her benefit, but for our own.
I once heard it said that we put more faith in Tylenol than we do in the Eucharist. As the priest explained, when we take Tylenol, we expect something to happen. When we receive the Eucharist, we almost act as if nothing at all has happened.
But something did happen. Something amazing happened. You became a living Tabernacle. You received Christ into you, Body, Soul, Blood, and Divinity. You then carried Him out into the world.
There are graces that come with the Eucharist, too. Venial sins are forgiven. Our Lord preserves us from mortal sins through the Eucharist. (CCC 1416) Beyond that, our marriage is strengthened.
When we approach our Lord in the Mass, we should always approach Him with our spouse, whenever possible, and with our family. We need those graces to be the best man we can be.
Make sure that Mass is the pinnacle of your week and that you share it with your spouse.
Marriage: The Ultimate Team Sport
Being married is like being on a game show.
You have chosen a partner with whom you will compete against any number of external challenges and obstacles.
Marriage is the ultimate team sport. You and your spouse will need to accomplish, at a minimum, the following: maintain financial solvency, balance work and life, maintain a household, achieve adequate nutrition, further careers, and perhaps raise a few more humans along the way.
It’s fun. It really is. You get to create something totally your own, a family. The traditions, past times, activities, cuisine, decor, it is all up to the both of you.
There will be some awesome trips, some fabulous activities and neat people along the way, but there will also be struggles. There will be growing pains and sufferings.
The bottom line is that everything you do, you do as a team.
Choose your teammate wisely.