Dad Smart
One of the most interesting experiences for me in being a new dad is how I am starting to recall particular memories.
When you and your wife are expecting your first child, there is a certain type of mental activity that, I must assume, all parents go through.
You begin to see the world around you differently. You notice other people’s children and how they behave. When they do things that you think are right, you try to figure out how you will mold your own child to do that thing. When they are a nightmare, you go through the same exercise.
I am finding that I am re-processing little childhood memories of my dad and how he incorporated faith into our daily lives.
For example, at family prayers, we’d go through questions in a Catechism. To this day, I call still tell you the four cardinal virtues by using the phrase, “Toilet Paper Just Fell.” Translation: temperance, prudence, justice, fortitude.
Each evening, before we went to bed, we’d each bless each other by drawing a cross on each other’s foreheads.
He used to put up weekly bible versus on the refrigerator. Sadly, many military deployments disrupted that tradition. But, I still remember the first one. “Children are a gift from God, they are His reward.” I was four.
It is important to realize that your actions as a man make an impression on those around you, not just your children.
How you model the role of husband (and father) is seen and observed by both little eyes and grown eyes. As the saying goes, “More is caught than taught.”
So many blog posts have asked you to look at the example you set and start to live the one you’d like seen. I do this again today. This time, pay extra attention to how you are showing your faith to your wife, family, friends, colleagues, and strangers.
Communication is Critical
Communication is key. But what if you don’t have the keys to your communication?
By now, you realize that both you and your spouse communicate in different ways. You also (hopefully) realize that in order to successfully navigate a lifetime of wedded bliss, you need to understand when she is communicating a particular emotion or when she is just communicating using her natural style.
For example, you may interpret your wife’s short stories about work as being closed off. Why doesn’t she want to share about her day? Her natural style may cause her to be brief and just hit the high points. She may have given you all of the facts she deemed relevant. In her mind, the story is over. In yours, you’re wondering if she’s mad.
There are several tools and scientific tests on the market to determine personality style and communication method. My favorite is the DiSC profile.
No test is better than the other, they’re just different.
Regardless of which test your choose, you need answer questions about yourself honestly. It isn’t helpful to anyone if you answer the way you think you’d like to be perceived. Honest answers give you insight into who you are as a person.
Once you have both completed the same test, share the results. You might finally understand her quirk or why that coworker is always driving you insane.
Communication is vital to the success of your marriage. Ensuring that you understand the communication style of your spouse will help you communicate more clearly.
Skip the fights. Stop translating mixed messages. Be open, clear, direct, and always loving.
Working Professionals
One of the major challenges for any newly married couple is how to balance two very full schedules.
When you first are married, you will probably start at $0. Both of you are most likely working very hard to put your new life together.
If you are married at a younger age, both spouses are probably working hard on their careers.
There is a temptation to be a workaholic, or to focus on careerism. You want to perform well at work so that you can increase your family’s income. That is noble, but not when it comes at the cost of your marriage.
Clear and open communication is the key to solving this problem. You both need to understand each other’s point of view and plans for the future.
Will one of you stay home and raise the children? Who has the greatest capacity for supporting the family? If one of you gets a promotion that hinges on your family moving, what criteria will you use to determine if that is the right move for your family?
The whole issue comes down to whose career is the priority? It is very likely, if not inevitable, that there will come a point where you both will have to make a hard decision. A choice to advance one career may inherently negatively affect the other. It is not a bad thing, but a reality when both spouses are working.
There is nothing wrong with work. However, if you want to avoid fights in your young marriage, take time to discuss this delicate issue in your pre-marriage counseling. Work out a rough sketch of where you think you’re both headed.
Make as much of the decision ahead of time so that you already have a plan of action in place.
Remember, above all, that work is a holy endeavor.
7 Things I Wish I Had Known About Pregnancy
Becoming a parent for the first time is an amazing experience. I should warn you, though. You have been lied to.
Now don’t blame me, I didn’t do it. Like so many things in life, you are given the good while they conveniently forget to tell you the bad and the ugly.
I thought that pregnancy was no big deal. Your wife is a little queazy, nine months later, you are holding your kid in your hands.
Let me tell you, friend-o… it’s not that simple.
Here are the 7 things I wish I had known before.
- “Morning Sickness” is an innocuous term for three months of pure hell. Your wife is going to be sick, and I mean totally sick. Not just in the morning. At all hours. Everything about you will cause her to vomit. Your breath, your body odor, the same breakfast you’ve been eating for the past three years. There is nothing you can do to stop it.
- Deciding to get in shape while your wife is pregnant is a horrible idea. Research says that if you want to stick to the gym, you need a buddy. We need accountability and support to keep moving forward. While becoming a father will probably encourage you to do all you can to take care of yourself, don’t expect your wife to be too happy. Find someone else whom you can share your victories with. She’s not impressed that you weighed in at a new minimum weight. She’ll just glare at you while she finishes her second bowl of ice cream.
- Loneliness and the First Trimester are BFFs. Sadly, as your wife is feeling unwell, there will be a decrease in the amount of time you’ll be cuddling. After all, if she can’t stand the smell of your breath, you won’t be getting very close. There will be some loneliness in there. It’s not that she doesn’t love you or that you don’t love her. It is just that there is some distance out of necessity. (And BTW, she feels lonely too.)
- If you like cuddling at bedtime, forget about it. As your child grows, your wife will need to get a body pillow to support herself. That pillow becomes the Berlin Wall in your bed. You will never be able to get close because that dang pillow is in the way. MOVE OVER PILLOW!!!
- Say goodbye to your favorite foods. Pregnancy causes changes in your wife’s digestive system. Do you love burritos? Not anymore you don’t. They’ll still be there… in nine months.
- Check to see how her day went first. If hers was horrible, yours better be just as bad. If your day was amazing, and hers wasn’t, don’t plan on sharing that little detail. She isn’t interested in hearing about your five mile run at dawn or the great time you had at a Chamber of Commerce open bar networking event. She’ll be grumpy and glare at you. Better tell a friend.
- Get ready to work! Your wife is going to lose control over her abdominal muscles. On top of that, she’s sick and can’t bend over. Strap yourself in because you just became the housekeeper. She can’t tie her shoes, pickup a sock she dropped, or get up off the floor without your help. You’re going to be carrying the household.
Now, the good parts in pregnancy are definitely there. The first ultrasound is awe-inspiring. Talking about names, learning about parenting, and preparing your house are all fulfilling adventures.
You’ll be in a new phase of your life. As with any other stage, there will be good parts and challenging parts. Roll right on through and keep your eye on the prize.
Love Contracts
I recently came across an article about a new trend in marriages. It is called a “love contract.”
This is different than a pre-nuptial agreement. This is a document that people use to plan their marriages.
Essentially, both spouses decide what their demands are in their marriage as they relate to their spouse’s behavior. For example, they might say that a spouse can’t weigh over a certain limit or they must spend so many “quality” minutes together daily.
There is one small problem. These “contracts” aren’t done out of love. They’re done out of selfishness.
How can anyone presume to stipulate another person’s behavior? Further, if you are so committed to someone to pledge your love and worldly possessions to them, why would you immediately try to start controlling their behavior?
There is a prevalent belief among nearly-weds that they are going to be able to “change” their spouse. BREAKING: It’s not going to happen.
Your wife is who she is. If you don’t like the total package, then you probably shouldn’t be marrying her.
Entering into your marriage with this extreme selfishness is beyond reckless. You aren’t setting your marriage up for failure, you’re guaranteeing it.
Getting married requires a certain level of maturity. You promise to love your spouse for all the days of your life. Plus, there is a high likelihood that you will raise a family with her.
And yet, people still try to make the world revolve around them.
If you think you need a pre-nuptial agreement to get married, you don’t love her and you’re too immature to get married. If you need a love contract before you’ll commit, you’re not a man. You’re a loser.
The role of husband is for men. Real men. Men who know that their wife and their family comes before them.
Love contracts? Give me a break.
You Marry the Family
My grandfather once told my mother that, when you marry someone, you marry their family.
In our society, we are very rooted in our families. We spend holidays with each other. With the continued advance of technology, we are able to stay more closely connected.
Family is the basic unit of society. Your spouse’s family is the single greatest influence in her life, for better or worse. Your family is the single greatest influence in your own life. We learn almost everything from our parents, including world views.
When you are seriously considering marrying someone, you need to be wise enough to look just beyond them. What are their friends like? What are their siblings like? How involved in their life are their parents? How do they interact with each other?
I know, as I’m sure you do, that there are exceptions to every rule, including this one. I’ve known a sane child living in a crazy family. But with our life expectancy going up, you will be around these people, and taking care of them, for a long time. In fact, it is not uncommon anymore for parents and their children to both be retired at the same time.
The bottom line is this; whenever you’re going to make a major life change, you need to do your homework. Communicate with your potential spouse the boundaries that you will have in place for each other’s parents and stick to them.
In Sickness
On your Wedding Day, you promise to take care of your wife, in sickness and in health.
That’s kinda cute. We think that means buying her soup and putting a cool cloth on her forehead. Boom, vow fulfilled. Check that box and we’re moving on!
But wait! Is that what we’re actually promising to do?
When your wife is sick, and I mean seriously ill, you have to do more than just take care of her. All of the responsibilities of the household fall to you. Suddenly, you’re the only one cooking and cleaning. You’re the only one shuttling your kids around and you’re sure as heck the only one doing all of the shopping (with a kid or two in tow).
On top of that, your wife is not able to show her love for you in ways that she would like. That will be little cuddling. She won’t be able to perform any acts of service. You will be constantly miserable because she feels miserable and there is nothing you can do to change it.
You start to feel lonely.
What we fail to consider is how radically our lives change when our spouse is ill.
Bottom line: we take our good health for granted.
As the illness drags on, the stress and pressure start to get to you. You may even start to blame her for it or become resentful. After all, you’re picking up her responsibilities! You are literally living in the land of temptation.
When the day comes, how will you respond?
If marriage was simply friendship, you would just walk away. Sadly, we have heard stories of spouses stricken with cancer and, after a time, the husband runs off with another woman. How can this be? The marriage was seen as convenient. It served it’s purpose for a time, but when things got tough, it was time to exit.
This is why it is so important to build your marriage on unconditional (to the degree that you can) love. Your marriage should be 100% about your wife and her well being. To your wife, your marriage should be 100% about you and your well being. It is only through this mutual love that your marriage can survive.
When you are 20, 25, or 30, you cannot foresee what your wife will be like at age 80 or 90. If you build your marriage on physical attraction, you’re going to have a hard time even 10 years down the road. If you build it on love, you’ll be able to transcend all of life’s challenges.
There will be hard times in your marriage. There will be serious illness and you will have to carry the household. Prepare for those days by loving your wife well today.
Do you pray for the health of your spouse daily? Maybe today is a good day to start.
Husband as Protector
As a husband (and father, too!) we have a very important role to fill. It is one that we simply can’t abdicate. It is the role of the protector.
The first criteria of a protector is that they are able to protect themselves. It would be quite useless if you needed help, and the knight in shining armor who came to your rescue also fell victim.
We need to evaluate where we are in our lives. How is your faith walk? Are you taking good care of your body? What things are you doing to grow your mind and expand your horizons?
Before we can defend from the enemy on the outside, we have to defeat the enemy within.
I have struggled with this issue. I’ve started workout plans or routines. I’ve tried different ways of praying. But, like New Years Resolutions, most didn’t last.
Until I learned this little secret.
As I started to initiate a change, I would plot out the course months, even years in advance. I’d see where I was going and what I would accomplish along the way.
There was one small problem.
I didn’t manage the process daily.
I made the big decision, but didn’t follow through on the steps to fulfill the big decision.
I can’t guarantee that I’m going to want to pray tomorrow. But I know I can decide to pray today. Tomorrow’s weather might be crummy so I can’t exercise, but it’s beautiful right now.
When you take things one day at a time, they are achievable. Don’t think about yesterday’s failures or tomorrow’s hurdles.
Just manage today. And, as Scripture says, let tomorrow take care of tomorrow.
Speak Well of Her
How you speak about your wife when she is not around says a lot about the kind of man that you are.
Early in my marriage, people in my life, especially at work, would ask me about the “old ball and chain.” They would use other typical phrases, too. It wasn’t meant to be mean spirited, it was meant to be a joke.
I’m sorry to say that I went along with the joke. I wasted a perfect teachable moment. I was not honest with them.
I should have answered that things were going well, because we had both entered into the Sacrament with maturity. I should have answered that we were learning more about each other each day.
Instead I let it be dismissed as a joke.
Just as we are given the opportunity to witness to our Faith on a daily basis in the public square, we are given that same opportunity to witness to strong marriages.
The way you speak about your wife matters.
If people hear you do nothing but complain about her, then you are part of the problem. You are justifying their unreasonable assumptions about marriage. You are confirming in their mind that marriage is a trial and not worth their time.
If instead you share the glorious moments and conversations; if you share the acts of service and love, then you do everyone a favor. You communicate truth and honesty.
By speaking well of your wife, you are convincing people that marriage is something to be cherished. You are demonstrating how life is beautiful. You are witnessing to the true essence of marriage: love.
Of course, if you always use flowery words, people will dismiss you as still in your “Honeymoon Phase.” There is certainly a balance. You should share some challenges, but note that there is a difference between sharing a challenge and speaking poorly of your spouse.
Be mindful of this opportunity. When people ask how the married life is, be honest and share with them the joy that you have experienced as a result of the Sacrament.
She’ll Drive You Nuts
It is getting pretty hard to find a guarantee anymore. But I’m all about adding value, so I’ll give you one right here.
Your wife? Your one true love? The one made for you? She’ll drive you nuts!
I know, it’s hard to hear it from me. It’s worst coming from a guy who just a few weeks ago posted an article called “She’s Perfect.”
Well she is perfect. But living together in matrimony, let’s just say there’s an adjustment period.
You don’t notice you own habits while you’re living as a single man. But boy do they come out in your first weeks of marriage.
The things you do are going to drive her crazy. The things she does are going to drive you crazy.
If you’re neat, she’s a mess. If you can’t clean to save your life, your pad is going to be sparkling and you won’t be able to find a dang thing.
No matter what, you’ll hate it.
But don’t miss the point.
The point is not how we organize our stuff or on what schedule we clean.
The point is that you are now a Domestic Church. The point is, now you are joined as one.
Habits and idiosyncrasies, those are superficial. Your love, your true, pure love, that’s deep.
So, when she’s driving you crazy, realize you are seeing this on a superficial level. Go deeper and respond in love.