Love Contracts
I recently came across an article about a new trend in marriages. It is called a “love contract.”
This is different than a pre-nuptial agreement. This is a document that people use to plan their marriages.
Essentially, both spouses decide what their demands are in their marriage as they relate to their spouse’s behavior. For example, they might say that a spouse can’t weigh over a certain limit or they must spend so many “quality” minutes together daily.
There is one small problem. These “contracts” aren’t done out of love. They’re done out of selfishness.
How can anyone presume to stipulate another person’s behavior? Further, if you are so committed to someone to pledge your love and worldly possessions to them, why would you immediately try to start controlling their behavior?
There is a prevalent belief among nearly-weds that they are going to be able to “change” their spouse. BREAKING: It’s not going to happen.
Your wife is who she is. If you don’t like the total package, then you probably shouldn’t be marrying her.
Entering into your marriage with this extreme selfishness is beyond reckless. You aren’t setting your marriage up for failure, you’re guaranteeing it.
Getting married requires a certain level of maturity. You promise to love your spouse for all the days of your life. Plus, there is a high likelihood that you will raise a family with her.
And yet, people still try to make the world revolve around them.
If you think you need a pre-nuptial agreement to get married, you don’t love her and you’re too immature to get married. If you need a love contract before you’ll commit, you’re not a man. You’re a loser.
The role of husband is for men. Real men. Men who know that their wife and their family comes before them.
Love contracts? Give me a break.
You Marry the Family
My grandfather once told my mother that, when you marry someone, you marry their family.
In our society, we are very rooted in our families. We spend holidays with each other. With the continued advance of technology, we are able to stay more closely connected.
Family is the basic unit of society. Your spouse’s family is the single greatest influence in her life, for better or worse. Your family is the single greatest influence in your own life. We learn almost everything from our parents, including world views.
When you are seriously considering marrying someone, you need to be wise enough to look just beyond them. What are their friends like? What are their siblings like? How involved in their life are their parents? How do they interact with each other?
I know, as I’m sure you do, that there are exceptions to every rule, including this one. I’ve known a sane child living in a crazy family. But with our life expectancy going up, you will be around these people, and taking care of them, for a long time. In fact, it is not uncommon anymore for parents and their children to both be retired at the same time.
The bottom line is this; whenever you’re going to make a major life change, you need to do your homework. Communicate with your potential spouse the boundaries that you will have in place for each other’s parents and stick to them.
In Sickness
On your Wedding Day, you promise to take care of your wife, in sickness and in health.
That’s kinda cute. We think that means buying her soup and putting a cool cloth on her forehead. Boom, vow fulfilled. Check that box and we’re moving on!
But wait! Is that what we’re actually promising to do?
When your wife is sick, and I mean seriously ill, you have to do more than just take care of her. All of the responsibilities of the household fall to you. Suddenly, you’re the only one cooking and cleaning. You’re the only one shuttling your kids around and you’re sure as heck the only one doing all of the shopping (with a kid or two in tow).
On top of that, your wife is not able to show her love for you in ways that she would like. That will be little cuddling. She won’t be able to perform any acts of service. You will be constantly miserable because she feels miserable and there is nothing you can do to change it.
You start to feel lonely.
What we fail to consider is how radically our lives change when our spouse is ill.
Bottom line: we take our good health for granted.
As the illness drags on, the stress and pressure start to get to you. You may even start to blame her for it or become resentful. After all, you’re picking up her responsibilities! You are literally living in the land of temptation.
When the day comes, how will you respond?
If marriage was simply friendship, you would just walk away. Sadly, we have heard stories of spouses stricken with cancer and, after a time, the husband runs off with another woman. How can this be? The marriage was seen as convenient. It served it’s purpose for a time, but when things got tough, it was time to exit.
This is why it is so important to build your marriage on unconditional (to the degree that you can) love. Your marriage should be 100% about your wife and her well being. To your wife, your marriage should be 100% about you and your well being. It is only through this mutual love that your marriage can survive.
When you are 20, 25, or 30, you cannot foresee what your wife will be like at age 80 or 90. If you build your marriage on physical attraction, you’re going to have a hard time even 10 years down the road. If you build it on love, you’ll be able to transcend all of life’s challenges.
There will be hard times in your marriage. There will be serious illness and you will have to carry the household. Prepare for those days by loving your wife well today.
Do you pray for the health of your spouse daily? Maybe today is a good day to start.
Husband as Protector
As a husband (and father, too!) we have a very important role to fill. It is one that we simply can’t abdicate. It is the role of the protector.
The first criteria of a protector is that they are able to protect themselves. It would be quite useless if you needed help, and the knight in shining armor who came to your rescue also fell victim.
We need to evaluate where we are in our lives. How is your faith walk? Are you taking good care of your body? What things are you doing to grow your mind and expand your horizons?
Before we can defend from the enemy on the outside, we have to defeat the enemy within.
I have struggled with this issue. I’ve started workout plans or routines. I’ve tried different ways of praying. But, like New Years Resolutions, most didn’t last.
Until I learned this little secret.
As I started to initiate a change, I would plot out the course months, even years in advance. I’d see where I was going and what I would accomplish along the way.
There was one small problem.
I didn’t manage the process daily.
I made the big decision, but didn’t follow through on the steps to fulfill the big decision.
I can’t guarantee that I’m going to want to pray tomorrow. But I know I can decide to pray today. Tomorrow’s weather might be crummy so I can’t exercise, but it’s beautiful right now.
When you take things one day at a time, they are achievable. Don’t think about yesterday’s failures or tomorrow’s hurdles.
Just manage today. And, as Scripture says, let tomorrow take care of tomorrow.
Speak Well of Her
How you speak about your wife when she is not around says a lot about the kind of man that you are.
Early in my marriage, people in my life, especially at work, would ask me about the “old ball and chain.” They would use other typical phrases, too. It wasn’t meant to be mean spirited, it was meant to be a joke.
I’m sorry to say that I went along with the joke. I wasted a perfect teachable moment. I was not honest with them.
I should have answered that things were going well, because we had both entered into the Sacrament with maturity. I should have answered that we were learning more about each other each day.
Instead I let it be dismissed as a joke.
Just as we are given the opportunity to witness to our Faith on a daily basis in the public square, we are given that same opportunity to witness to strong marriages.
The way you speak about your wife matters.
If people hear you do nothing but complain about her, then you are part of the problem. You are justifying their unreasonable assumptions about marriage. You are confirming in their mind that marriage is a trial and not worth their time.
If instead you share the glorious moments and conversations; if you share the acts of service and love, then you do everyone a favor. You communicate truth and honesty.
By speaking well of your wife, you are convincing people that marriage is something to be cherished. You are demonstrating how life is beautiful. You are witnessing to the true essence of marriage: love.
Of course, if you always use flowery words, people will dismiss you as still in your “Honeymoon Phase.” There is certainly a balance. You should share some challenges, but note that there is a difference between sharing a challenge and speaking poorly of your spouse.
Be mindful of this opportunity. When people ask how the married life is, be honest and share with them the joy that you have experienced as a result of the Sacrament.
She’ll Drive You Nuts
It is getting pretty hard to find a guarantee anymore. But I’m all about adding value, so I’ll give you one right here.
Your wife? Your one true love? The one made for you? She’ll drive you nuts!
I know, it’s hard to hear it from me. It’s worst coming from a guy who just a few weeks ago posted an article called “She’s Perfect.”
Well she is perfect. But living together in matrimony, let’s just say there’s an adjustment period.
You don’t notice you own habits while you’re living as a single man. But boy do they come out in your first weeks of marriage.
The things you do are going to drive her crazy. The things she does are going to drive you crazy.
If you’re neat, she’s a mess. If you can’t clean to save your life, your pad is going to be sparkling and you won’t be able to find a dang thing.
No matter what, you’ll hate it.
But don’t miss the point.
The point is not how we organize our stuff or on what schedule we clean.
The point is that you are now a Domestic Church. The point is, now you are joined as one.
Habits and idiosyncrasies, those are superficial. Your love, your true, pure love, that’s deep.
So, when she’s driving you crazy, realize you are seeing this on a superficial level. Go deeper and respond in love.
Nothing Sexier Than an AIDS Test
Let’s get real.
There is nothing sexier than getting an AIDS test with your fiancee. (Not even a long walk on the beach at sunset!)
And that’s the only proof that I need to prove that the Church is right on celibacy for singles.
For 2,000 years, the Church has maintained that our human sexuality, an integral part of our personhood, is sacred. It is not meant for us to horde or use selfishly. We are called to preserve it as a gift for our spouse.
Today, the world says it is remotely part of you but only there for your own gratification.
If you listen to the world, you’ll be able to have an experience unlike any other! You have finally found the woman you want to marry. You are more in love with her than any woman before her. You propose, she says yes. Success!
Then you walk, hand in hand, to your Doctor’s office to get tested for sexually transmitted infections. Now that’s a love story!
It’s just not a love story that I’m interested in.
Saving your sexuality for marriage is the best gift you can give your spouse. She will have no infections to worry about, no standards to compare to. It will just be both of you, together, in mutual self gift.
No blood sample required.
It’s A Race to the Top!
“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war." - GK Chesterton
When my wife first showed me that quote, I hated it.
Those words were spoken (or maybe written) by G.K. Chesterton. I looked on Google, but it wasn’t in the top five results, so I stopped trying to find the source.
GK is an Englishman from the early 1900s who has been featured in a few Marriage Quote Wednesdays here in the Field Manual.
I won’t pretend to know what Chesterton meant by the quote, especially since I have zero context. But, what I think he might have been getting at was that war has a lot of unknowns and that’s what makes it exciting. You prepare, you take your gear, and you take a chance.
I hated the quote because I put it in the box in my mind marked “Worldview of Marriage.” That worldview sucks. From that view point Marriage is a drag; it’s hell. I get no time for myself, I never get to pick the movie, and my wife tells me what I do and do not like to eat. As Bernie Mac said in the recent remake of “Guess Who” (2005), “It’s a war!”
That negative worldview is the main reason why I started this Field Manual. Marriage isn’t a war between husband and wife. It isn’t hell. It isn’t a war between parents and children. It doesn’t suck. It’s a love story.
Not a Taylor Swift love story, but a true love story. A true love story has only winners. Taylor’s love stories have one winner (her) and a ton of losers (every man she sings about).
Marriage is a story in which all of the characters have the golden opportunity to win.
Did you know that? Did you know that you can win at Marriage?
I’ll even throw in the secret, just because you’ve read this far.
The way you win is by loving your spouse more than you love yourself.
Full disclaimer: I love me. A lot.
I’m awesome. I’m funny, intelligent, and witty. People like me, I drive an awesome car (Prius), I have a cat, and I pay my own bills. I have a unique job, I like cycling, and I walk almost 90,000 steps a week (US average is 21,000). I have an iPhone, an iPad, an iMac, and an AppleTV. People are lucky to know me! I’m the total package.
So if I can love my wife more than I love that guy in the mirror, I’ve definitely won.
The real magic happens when you realize that your wife is on the same mission. She’s trying to love me more than she loves herself. It’s a race to the top!
We’re human, so we won’t reach perfect. That’s what makes the love story so spicy. We fall, we fail, but we get up and keep striving to reach perfection.
So, if you’re afraid that you’re going to be a terrible husband, keep this entry in mind. If you’re married and you’re slacking, it’s time to change this thing.
The best defense against being a deadbeat husband is a good offense of love.
Let’s do this.
Coming Home
Coming home can be the best part of your day!
Your work is over, and you get to now focus on the things you want to focus on: your wife and your family.
No matter who gets home first, you should always prepare for the arrival of your spouse.
When you come in the door, drop your stuff and acknowledge your wife. Don’t go into the office and put your things down and start your routine.
Acknowledge her important place in your life!
I am very guilty of trying to put my things down first, and I don’t always do a great job of saying hello and having some “us” time. That is a mistake on my part… this is important!
You both labor throughout the day separate from each other. Now you are able to finally be with the one you love!
If you are the first one home, when your wife comes in, stop what you’re doing. Go to the door and greet her.
This communicates your love for her. If you have kids, it is also a great example for them!
You are about to start an evening together. Make that first moment a capstone of your days.
When You’re In A Drought, Turn on the Sprinkler
There will be dry days.
Not just outside, but inside.
There will be days, perhaps even weeks or months where you feel that you’ve lost your flare. Perhaps you’ll feel that way about your marriage or maybe it will be your faith walk.
There is a perfect solution to every drought.
Turn on the sprinkler.
You have the ability to shift your mental focus. You have the ability to change the game.
When you’re in a time of drought, figure out what your main negative emotion is and push the opposite of it, hard.
If you feel alone and separated from you wife, go cuddle with her.
If you feel like you’re not getting anything out of your prayer life, change the routine.
You are the only variable that you can control. Don’t wait for a solution to magically present itself. You never know when the sky is going to cooperate.
Be the rain.