Catholic Husband

The institution of marriage is mind-blowing. Two people with two completely different personalities, with different family traditions, come together and promise, usually at a young age, to be faithful and loving to each other all the days of their lives. As an institution comprised of flawed human beings, it’s clear there is something supernatural within the sacrament of marriage.

Relationships are tough. We come into the world as blank slates. As children, we learn about relationships within a family and among friends. As young adults, we learn (and fail!) about romantic relationships. As married people, we learn what a permanent relationship requires.

When you’re young and you’re in a relationship, it can be hard to keep the thing afloat for a week. There are other prospects, you get bored, she’s no longer interested, you are both laking maturity. Yet, when we get married, we’re supposed to keep things spicy for a lifetime.

How?

Marriage is a marathon. That’s for sure. Marathons are not won and lost in the physical preparations, though. Winning the race is all in the mental war. It’s not the lead runner versus the next runner, it’s whether or not the lead runner can overcome the mental battle that keeps trying to get him to quit.

So how do you keep your marriage spicy?

• Keep the focus off of you. While it may seem like a good idea to make everything in the world about you, the truth is that you’re boring. Well, boring to yourself. You know basically everything about yourself. When you focus on your wife, you don’t get so bored. You’ve only known her for a fraction of the time that you’ve known you. There’s plenty to learn!

• Don’t get distracted. It’s easy to be distracted by the beauty around you. Marriage doesn’t somehow change your natural attractions. There are many ways to deal with this issue, and it may take a few of them to do the trick. Just remember, you chose your wife for a reason. So, stick with it!

• Celebrate each day. It’s a challenge to enjoy the newness of each day. Being alert enough to seek out the good in each day can really make a difference. Make each day special in it’s own way.

So keep things spicy, my friend.

Working in unison with your wife can be a powerful tool. In fact, when you both set your minds to a goal, you can achieve great things together!

I’m a very goal-driven person. I like to know where I’m going. The problem with working on a goal by yourself is that it can be hard to have accountability. You can throw yourself a pity party and give up. I’ve found that when Alison and I are working on a goal together, we get much further than I would than if I was pushing on my own.

Joint goals with your wife give you shared purpose. As you communicate about what you both want in life or in a particular instance, you both start to see the benefits of hitting that goal. There’s several reasons why working on goals with your wife can make you a formidable team.

• There’s a shared vision. When everyone in the car knows where you’re going, some decisions are just made for you. For example, if your goal is to get out of debt, you don’t have to wonder if it’s time to get a new TV or to go on vacation. You both know why you’re sacrificing and it makes it that much easier to say “no.”

• Two is better than one. It can be hard to work on a goal when your wife isn’t on board, especially if she’s against your goal. If your goal is to lose weight and she insists on making doughnuts, cakes, and rich desserts every day, you’re not going to lose an ounce. But, when you work together, you can both make your individual contributions and go the distance.

• It opens communication. When you set a goal together, you both better understand each other’s needs, wants, and desires. Your marriage is strengthened because you’re communicating on a much deeper level than the typical day-to-day “maintenance” communication.

It’s not all roses and butterflies. When you’re working together, you can also encounter complacency together. You can let each other “have a little break,” slack off, and miss the goal big time. You’ll have to find a way to counter complacency, but it will be easier if you both accept that it will happen.

Any goal worth doing will be a challenge. By working with your wife, instead of counter to her, you’ll both achieve goals you never thought possible!

All vocations are a calling to serve others. The single person is called the Church and community. The Priest is called to serve the Parish. The Religious are called to serve their community. The married person is called to serve their spouse and family.

One of the best ways to serve your wife is to lighten her load.

I’ve made it no secret here that one of my love languages is acts of service. I love surprising Alison with a freshly cleaned apartment or a relaxing evening routine. But I don’t reserve my service to occasional overt gestures, usually it’s a part of my daily life.

How we make our wife’s life easier really comes down to one question. What is it that I can do that will improve her life? Here are a few ideas:

• Take care of her car. There’s something about car maintenance (repairs or cleaning) that makes you feel like a man. Perhaps you could step in and keep track of when her car needs an oil change. When the time comes, knock it out! Make cleaning the cars a part of your week. Integrate it into your calendar.

• Deal with those annoying customer service issues. Nothing brings gratuitous profanities closer to my tongue than dealing with the communications companies. We all have issues with our internet, cell phones, billing, you name it. And we all know the companies that provide these services are hopelessly inept. Though it may be a near occasion for sin, you can take that stress on for her. It’s basically like taking a bullet for her.

• Ask her. We’re not mind readers. And if we are, we’re bad at it. There’s nothing wrong with asking her what you can take off her plate. She’ll probably like the fact that you’re asking the question.

Integration is the key to habit change. Put her in the center of your life and you’ll be set.

We’ve all come to a crossroads. Two paths that certainly have their benefits, but we can only choose one. In our single days the choice might have been hard, but we only had to look to ourselves to make it happen. In the married life, there’s more at stake.

As I was finishing my undergraduate degree at the venerable Franciscan University of Steubenville in the Spring of 2010, I had to decide where I’d spend the first of my working days. I trotted down to Career Services who told me that I should work for the school’s food management company. Since that brilliant plan seemed like a non-starter to me, I had come up with a new plan.

It was in that moment that I realized how lucky I was to be an American. I could move literally anywhere by simply making up my mind. It was a major life decision and one in which my opinion was the only one that mattered.

Fast forward to today, Alison is working on her Residency applications. We are now deciding, as a family, if and where we should move. There are many more factors in play as we consider her career, my career, Benedict’s future home and what our cat Sophia wants to see out the window.

As a couple, you’re going to face decisions that will require some serious thought. They might be a move across town, a completely new career, or starting your own business, or if you’re being called to grow your family! They could also be financial, spiritual, or educational (like where you’re going to send your kiddos to school).

Since these are a when, not an if, it can be helpful if you create a framework for these decisions. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

• Decisions should always be value decisions. When making a choice, you should make them in accordance with your values. If you value adventure, then your decisions should reflect that. If you’re looking for stability for your kids, your decisions should reflect that. If you have a commitment to take care of a family member, your decisions should reflect that.

• If you both don’t agree, then you don’t do anything. Alison and I have taken this approach in most decisions in our life and it is incredible. There are times when we don’t get what we want, but that is quickly outweighed by the peace we feel knowing we don’t have to do something we absolutely don’t want to.

• Keep all options on the table. Options give you flexibility and flexibility is a huge stress reducer. If you don’t get backed into a corner, you are in the driver’s seat. You tell your life what’s going to happen, not the other way around. Negotiate! This can be a lot of fun in your marriage and can make sure that there are no losers at the end of the day!

I’m not going to tell you that communication is important in your marriage because you already know that. But I will say that if you’re not sharing dreams, goals, or desires on a daily basis with your wife, then there will be rough seas when the major decision. If you’re not in sync before the decision presents itself, you may be sunk.

Major decisions will happen. Work on your marriage today so you’re ready to take them on when they knock on your door!