Dealing with Life’s Major Decisions
We’ve all come to a crossroads. Two paths that certainly have their benefits, but we can only choose one. In our single days the choice might have been hard, but we only had to look to ourselves to make it happen. In the married life, there’s more at stake.
As I was finishing my undergraduate degree at the venerable Franciscan University of Steubenville in the Spring of 2010, I had to decide where I’d spend the first of my working days. I trotted down to Career Services who told me that I should work for the school’s food management company. Since that brilliant plan seemed like a non-starter to me, I had come up with a new plan.
It was in that moment that I realized how lucky I was to be an American. I could move literally anywhere by simply making up my mind. It was a major life decision and one in which my opinion was the only one that mattered.
Fast forward to today, Alison is working on her Residency applications. We are now deciding, as a family, if and where we should move. There are many more factors in play as we consider her career, my career, Benedict’s future home and what our cat Sophia wants to see out the window.
As a couple, you’re going to face decisions that will require some serious thought. They might be a move across town, a completely new career, or starting your own business, or if you’re being called to grow your family! They could also be financial, spiritual, or educational (like where you’re going to send your kiddos to school).
Since these are a when, not an if, it can be helpful if you create a framework for these decisions. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
• Decisions should always be value decisions. When making a choice, you should make them in accordance with your values. If you value adventure, then your decisions should reflect that. If you’re looking for stability for your kids, your decisions should reflect that. If you have a commitment to take care of a family member, your decisions should reflect that.
• If you both don’t agree, then you don’t do anything. Alison and I have taken this approach in most decisions in our life and it is incredible. There are times when we don’t get what we want, but that is quickly outweighed by the peace we feel knowing we don’t have to do something we absolutely don’t want to.
• Keep all options on the table. Options give you flexibility and flexibility is a huge stress reducer. If you don’t get backed into a corner, you are in the driver’s seat. You tell your life what’s going to happen, not the other way around. Negotiate! This can be a lot of fun in your marriage and can make sure that there are no losers at the end of the day!
I’m not going to tell you that communication is important in your marriage because you already know that. But I will say that if you’re not sharing dreams, goals, or desires on a daily basis with your wife, then there will be rough seas when the major decision. If you’re not in sync before the decision presents itself, you may be sunk.
Major decisions will happen. Work on your marriage today so you’re ready to take them on when they knock on your door!
Keeping Yourself in Balance
Each stage of our lives has unique benefits. The single life brings freedom, but a lack of companionship. The married life brings companionship, but the inability to run from trouble. The life of a parent brings joy in new live, but difficulty in maintaining your own schedule.
It isn’t that one phase is better than the other, they each clearly have their advantages. It is the struggles that we have to get through.
I could have never imagined how much my son would impact my schedule. When you have a newborn who loves to be held, it can be quite hard to get anything done! He wants to be held, but the laundry needs to be done and the kitchen cleaned. There is a balance that must be struck, otherwise we’re sunk
The need to balance is universal experience of men. When you are single, you seek to balance time alone with time with friends. As a married man, you balance work and family life. As a parent, you balance playtime and the needs of the family.
While we know we need balance, we have no hope of achieving it if we don’t take care of the things that we need to do in order to know we are successful. For example, you might determine a day to be successful if you were able to pray and exercise. We all need to have daily goals to keep up on track, but with limited time, how can we accomplish this balance?
The answer is that you have to make time. You need to determine the absolute essentials and pursue them relentlessly daily. Maybe this means getting up an hour earlier or staying up an hour later. Maybe your lunch hour gets extended and you knock out some objectives.
You and your wife are a team. Motivate each other and cover for each other. If she needs a bath at the end of the day, then cover her duties while she takes that time. If you need to work out in the morning, maybe she starts getting the kids ready.
If you are taking care of yourself and she is taking care of herself, you’ll both be better off. So do what you need to do to make sure you’re both checking off your to-do lists!
Acts of Thankless Service
As humans, we long to be recognized for our accomplishments. From a very young age, we seek praise for doing good things. Yet, in the married life, sometimes the joy is in not being singled out for a particular good deed.
I love to surprise Alison! Whether it’s jumping out and scaring her or giving her an unexpected gift, there’s nothing better than the look of sheer terror or complete surprise on her face. One of my favorite surprises is cleaning while she’s at work or having a relaxing evening set up for her. Even more fun are doing the smaller acts of service that she might not even notice, but that improve her life. I call those acts of thankless service.
Spending your life chasing the recognition of others is a waste. Not only will you never be happy, your motives then become impure. You do something not because it’s good, but because of what it gets you.
Acts of thankless service really aren’t thankless. You get the satisfaction of a job well done and of doing something that improves someone else’s life. You have the fulfillment that we seek, knowing that you brought value to another’s life.
You need to be performing acts like these for your wife on a weekly, if not a daily basis.
Thankless jobs could be peeling potatoes or doing the dishes. They could also be something that you don’t really enjoy. For example, Alison loves having her back rubbed. It’s uncomfortable for me to do them and I don’t like it that much, but I do enjoy helping her to relax. She does thank me or express how much better she feels, but it’s the act of me putting her first that is the real reward.
Marriage is all-in. I’ve said before that if you both give 50-50, you’ll fail. The best way to go all in is to continually work for her benefit, lightening her load.
Why Hotels are Temples of Temptation
Hotels. As a kid, you were probably excited to stay in them. A new place to sleep, an adventure! As an adult, they can be incredibly oppressive. Perhaps the hotel means you’re on the road working, away from your wife and family. For some reason, hotels seem to be temples of temptation.
I’ve spent a small amount of time traveling for work. Sometimes I’d be with colleagues, other times I’d be one my own. Hotels are just a place for you to sleep. For too many people, however, they’re full of temptations to live a different life.
While hotels were intended to give travelers a safe place to stay the night, they’ve taken on a new twisted dimension. The first channels on the TV are the adult entertainment channels. They are often the locations for affairs or prostitution. Why? It’s just a room for sleeping in.
The reason is privacy. You don’t really have privacy at home. Sure, you can do what you need to do, but there is always going to be someone else around, eventually. Your wife may be at work, but she’ll be home eventually. Your kids are in school, but school gets out at 3pm. It’s not that your privacy is violated, it’s that your lack of privacy provides an environment that gives built-in accountability.
In a hotel, you’re anonymous. No one else is coming. If you’re on travel, there is a 0% chance of your wife walking in the door.
There’s the danger.
In the darkness of privacy, temptation gains a lot of strength. It’s the monster in the closet that you imagine is huge, but can’t tell because you’re afraid to open the door.
You also have an access issue. On your home TV, you probably don’t have adult entertainment channels. Your internet (hopefully) has a filter. In a hotel, those natural barriers are gone. You can really get a sense of what kind of man you are.
Am I saying that you shouldn’t stay in hotels? Of course not. But you wouldn’t run a marathon without training.
We have to be vigilant of our surroundings. We need to be self-aware of our own limits and weaknesses. The decisions you make today while you’re safe at home will build your decisions that you make when you’re on your own out there.
Be smart.
Dealing with Different Spiritualities
Being Catholic is spicy. It’s spicy because there isn’t only one way to be Catholic. In fact, there are countless ways to express and live your faith! We all have our own traditions and favorite methods of prayer. When you get married, you might find that your variety of Catholicism is different from your wife’s.
I consider myself a moderate Catholic. I’m serious about my faith, but I’m not super pro-Vatican II. I’m also not very charismatic. That puts me, as I see it, right in the middle of the road. My first experience with the charismatic movement was when I set foot on the campus of Franciscan University. It was a big shock, to say the least. To this day, I still have some difficulty understanding some parts of the movement. What I did come to figure out, in a practical way, was how each expression and devotion in our faith adds to the overall flavor of the Church.
I’m not sure where you’d put yourself, or where your wife may be. But I am sure that there is a chance that your wife will have been raised differently from you. I’ve figured out a thing or two about how to deal with differences in spiritualities.
• Realize that there is no “right way.” As long as an expression of faith is in union with the Magisterium, it’s usually good to go. The Church herself recognizes that the depth of faith is unimaginable. That’s part of the reason why She is so lenient on private revelation.
• Recognize that spirituality is a component of her. I’m a pretty regimented guy, so I like for prayer to be structured, at certain points during the day. Alison is a bit more free-spirited. It’s unfair of me to expect her to change who she is to fit into a certain prayer regimen. If she is more free-flowing in her daily life, I should’t expect her to be highly structured in her prayer life.
• Be open to new experiences. Faith, like relationships, go through seasons. There will be great springtimes when you have an almost retreat-like high. There will be dark and cold winters when you wonder what you’re doing. Finding a fresh new avenue can bring the spark back into your relationship with God.
We have a lot to learn from each other, and the Spirit moves people in different ways. You never know, you might just like moving in a new direction!
Laying Down Your Life for Her
Marriage was designed to be a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church. Being part of such a union is a big set of shoes to fill. What makes it even harder is that we’re called to lay down our life for our wife.
The concept of laying down my life for my wife in a theoretical or academic setting is easy. I’d like to think that, if it came down to it, I’d have the courage to make that call. My daily life, however, doesn’t reflect that predisposition.
When we are called to love our wives as Christ loved the Church, and to lay our life down for her, that doesn’t just mean the loss of our temporal life. That means our whole life. That means not playing Xbox in the evening if she needs to talk. That means doing chores instead of watching a movie. It means staying home to take care of your sick wife and missing out on those Super Bowl tickets.
I personally believe that if we don’t make the daily, small sacrifices, then if we are even put to the test, we might not pass. Those who are faithful in the small things are trusted with the bigger things.
Take a look at your own life and relationship with your wife. If you’re not laying down your life for her daily, you won’t when it really counts.
Your Vows Aren’t Stagnant
Your wedding is a day, marriage is a lifetime. Those words are so true, but we can easily forget the words that are exchanged. It can be easy to leave the events of the day in that day. To live an authentically Catholic marriage, we must bring the words and prayers of the Nuptial Mass to life.
Most of my pre-wedding knowledge came from popular culture. In most Hollywood movies, the couples write their own vows. Each story seemed to be the same. The man would labor over the vows, trying to make them unforgettable and impactful. It seemed pretty stressful. I was delighted to find that the Church provides two versions of vows to use.
She gives us two choices for a simple reason. Your wedding vows aren’t nice things to say to your wife. They aren’t supposed to be engineered to bring a single tear to the eye of the Maid of Honor. They’re designed to be the roadmap for your marriage. No matter where you go, or what you do, your vows are the lighthouse. They guide your decisions. They guide your life.
The Church provides the vows because they adequately reflect the Church’s understanding of what marriage is. They spell out clearly the Church’s understanding of the married life and the role of husband and wife.
The vows are promises. They are beautiful. They are final.
The great thing about the vows is that you can use them as a plumb line. In any situation in your married life, when you reach a decision point, you can reference your vows and know if you are out of bounds or not. It’s wonderful.
The vows are certainly words that we speak, but they’re intended to be brought to life. When I promised to take care of Alison in good times and in bad, I’m supposed to translate that into action. When we’re flat broke, I’m still there for her. When we’re rich beyond our wildest dreams, our marriage hasn’t changed.
It’s a refreshingly absolute promise in this world of flakiness.
The vows are one of the critical elements of the Nuptial Mass, but they’re intended to have a much greater use than to just confer the Sacrament.
Managing Family Time
We are living in a new era of working families. With many families having both parents working, it’s becoming harder to have time together.
I work full time and Alison is wrapping up Medical School. While my job is flexible in the time that I work, I have a lot of mandatory evening meetings. Alison is almost 9-5. I arrive home around 9 and then its almost time for bed. The problem we face is that we have to intentionally work to find time to spend together.
Too many marriages are portrayed as a utilitarian business contract. He changes the oil, she does the laundry. He mows the lawn, she cleans the kitchen. The drudgery of domestic life is out there, there’s little doubt. However, that doesn’t mean its time to surrender! Along with the normal are chances for the extraordinary.
Even the smallest changes in your routine can make your marriage spark! Taking over one of her chores or taking her out on a date can be unbelievably refreshing! That won’t happen, however, if you don’t manage your calendars.
I have two pieces of advice for you to help manage your time with your family.
First, have a shared calendar that everyone has access to. Anytime an event is happening that applies to everyone, put it on there. You then have a centralized location for your events.
Second, have “sacred time.” Pick a time once a week where you and your wife won’t schedule anything. That is your time to be together to do whatever. It may be a meal, a movie, or just being in the same room.
If you don’t control your schedule, it will control you. Don’t let it.
The Holy Family Reflection
Merry Christmas!
As we celebrate and reflect on the birth of our Lord, I had a unique thought. I’d like to share it with you on this great feast!
Jesus was born into a family. Mary and Joseph, living in the marriage covenant, provided the stability He needed as He grew, developed, and learned. Jesus was like us in all things except sin. As I hold my own son, that thought blows my mind.
There was a time when baby Jesus couldn’t hold up His neck. Then came the day that He started smiling and cooing. It is extraordinary that He was just like my son is today.
In that way, I’m living the experience of St. Joseph. A new dad, experiencing the miracle of life. A new dad, shepherding a child’s heart.
The beautiful truth that comes out of this is that we, as married men, reflect the Holy Family. We go through the same difficulties, challenges, and struggles. We, like Mary and Joseph, have access to the same graces to help us live out our vocation.
So as you celebrate this Christmas with your family, remember, your family is a reflection of the Holy Family. Bound in love, united in truth, and together for the greater glory of God!
From myself, Alison and our son Benedict, Merry Christmas!
Couple Friends
The relationship between a husband and wife is both exclusive and complete. By its design, it can meet almost all of the emotional needs of the spouses, but that can be difficult.
One of the challenges for young people is their first exclusive dating relationship.
A major challenge for young people in their first exclusive dating relationship is managing that exclusivity.
The young couple is enthralled with each other and find more and more of their emotional needs met in their relationship. A great danger is for the couple to segregate themselves from their friends. The danger comes when they lose sight of their healthy need to engage in relationships outside of their dating relationship. Marriage can have a similar pull.
Being a husband, you should find the vast majority of your personal fulfillment in your wife and the activities that you enjoy together. You share a life with this woman, you share everything. From the moment you wake up until the moment you go to sleep, you are living in total, complete connectedness. This is even more true if you are raising children together. Your life is full of communication and connection.
While your wife is able to meet most of your needs, and she, yours, it is wise to actively seek out other couple friends. Having relationships with people in a similar state in life can be a tremendous benefit to your marriage and it can also provide many mutual benefits.
First, you have a sounding board. When you have a difficultly at work, you probably turn to your wife to see if you are wrong. When you and your wife have a disagreement, her objectivity could be called into question. If you have some really close couple friends, you could bring them in and get some outside advice. They might have also been in a similar quarrel and could share some tips as to how to successful navigate the situation.
Next, they can provide quality relational interactions. If you’ve ever babysat for a young child, you know just how draining giving your full attention to a single person can be. With couple friends, you don’t have to overwhelm your wife with your emotional needs. Perhaps one of your needs is to go to a sports game or watch a war movie. If you have great couple friends, you can arrange for the husbands to hang out and the wives to hang out and do something they each enjoy.
Finally, good couple friends can provide opportunities to share the joys and challenges of the married life with. Being married is hard, especially being happily married. You may find people trying to pull you down because they are envious. Having great couple friends can reaffirm the good of marriage and remind you that there’s nothing wrong with living an authentically Catholic marriage.
In order to find good couple friends, you must be proactive. Engage in Church activities and local young adult outings. When you find them, hold on tight. You’ll both be glad that you did.