Maintaining A Household
The days of being a slob are over. You’re no longer a bachelor, you’re married. Well, unless your wife is a slob, too, I guess.
I’m a very clean person. Well, I’m clean in that I like things put away. How they’re put away is mostly irrelevant.
One of the more interesting challenges that I faced when I first married Alison was that I wasn’t in control of the mess anymore. As much as I wanted to clean every inch of the apartment, I wasn’t able to. Well, I tried. But then she couldn’t find anything. After a while, I realized that we needed a joint plan for keeping the apartment clean. That worked until just about the time that Benedict showed up.
With both of you working, how do you get the household chores done without ruining your weekend?
• Divide the list. You both have things you like to clean and you both have things you don’t like to clean. So take a few things off of each list and get to work!
• Do a little bit each day. The laundry might take a whole day, so a Tuesday might not work. But try taking 15 or 20 minutes on Tuesday evening to clean the bathrooms can work.
• Don’t let it get out of control. There’s nothing more demoralizing than a huge mess. By making sure that no area of your home gets overly messy, it will make it easier to knock out the cleaning.
My main goal for the first part of this year is just keeping the kitchen clean on a daily basis. I put my dishes away as soon as I’m done with them and my goal is to not go to bed with a dirty kitchen.
Lightening Her Load
All vocations are a calling to serve others. The single person is called the Church and community. The Priest is called to serve the Parish. The Religious are called to serve their community. The married person is called to serve their spouse and family.
One of the best ways to serve your wife is to lighten her load.
I’ve made it no secret here that one of my love languages is acts of service. I love surprising Alison with a freshly cleaned apartment or a relaxing evening routine. But I don’t reserve my service to occasional overt gestures, usually it’s a part of my daily life.
How we make our wife’s life easier really comes down to one question. What is it that I can do that will improve her life? Here are a few ideas:
• Take care of her car. There’s something about car maintenance (repairs or cleaning) that makes you feel like a man. Perhaps you could step in and keep track of when her car needs an oil change. When the time comes, knock it out! Make cleaning the cars a part of your week. Integrate it into your calendar.
• Deal with those annoying customer service issues. Nothing brings gratuitous profanities closer to my tongue than dealing with the communications companies. We all have issues with our internet, cell phones, billing, you name it. And we all know the companies that provide these services are hopelessly inept. Though it may be a near occasion for sin, you can take that stress on for her. It’s basically like taking a bullet for her.
• Ask her. We’re not mind readers. And if we are, we’re bad at it. There’s nothing wrong with asking her what you can take off her plate. She’ll probably like the fact that you’re asking the question.
Integration is the key to habit change. Put her in the center of your life and you’ll be set.
Avoiding Neglect
We’re men. We’re hard charging. We’re all about getting stuff done. But how do you do that while not ignoring your family?
I always have a task list of things to get done. In fact, I have a daily list of 10 things that I need to get done. They include exercise, cleaning the kitchen, logging my food, and writing this blog!
Before Benedict, it wasn’t really that hard. My time was mostly my own and I could go with the flow. Now that Benedict is here, I have to make sure that my schedule fits into his and the responsibilities that I share with Alison.
Even though I have this new reality to work with, how do I keep getting my task list done?
• Buy more time. There are only 24 hours in a day. Several of them are already spoken for. Some by sleep, others by work. Still, you probably have 8 good hours to your name every day. One of the easiest ways to get “more time” is to wake up earlier. If you like sleeping in or hitting the snooze button, cut it out.
• Find your guaranteed time. There are certain hours during the day that you will have no competition for. It could be before the kids get up or after they go to bed. It might be uncomfortable or might not fit into your schedule now, but a few tweaks could make it work. If you commit to getting certain tasks in during these times, like exercise, you can get them done and not feel guilty. My guaranteed time is 5am - 6am.
• Trim your list. Face it, we can’t do everything. Find the essentials and ditch the rest. You can always get them back later.
Being married or being a dad involves dedicating more of your day to other people that you love. Just don’t forget to take care of your essentials.
Keeping God’s Hands Full
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Our personal relationship with God can be difficult to manage. While God is always present, it can be easy for us to fall into “out of sight, out of mind” syndrome. Things almost get to be like a long distance relationship. You are full of love and fervor when you’re together (i.e. in the Sacraments), but when you’re “apart” (daily life) it can be hard to keep your tank on full.
Benedict has been teaching me a lot about my relationship with God. That’s because Benedict is quite needy. At two months, he needs either Alison or I to do everything for him. When he doesn’t get what he wants, he cries until he does. When he’s got what he wants, he mostly ignores me. That sounds a lot like what we do to God.
Our faith walk is a relationship. It’s a real relationship that we must constantly nurture and dedicate ourselves to. But how do we avoid becoming like a newborn child when it comes to how we treat God?
• Call home often. When I spent my first week away from home at camp, I called home often. Several times a day often. From a pay phone. I missed my family. I wanted to talk to them and share with them what’s going on. We need to be the same way with God. Yes, He knows everything already, but that doesn’t mean that He doesn’t want to hear about it from us. We can call home often by praying daily.
• Stop by for dinner. Leaving home is a big step in a man’s life. Being independent brings great pride and dignity. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t love a home cooked meal. Stopping by weekly, or even more frequently, to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass can help us catch up on what’s going on. There are lessons to be learned and graces to be gained. Nothing is better than that!
• Live sacrificially. Contentment is our goal. Consumption is the world’s. One of my biggest struggles is losing my focus. Instead of being thankful for what I have, I focus only on what I want. A great way for me to keep myself in check is to say no to myself. When I go without, my senses are heightened. I’m more grounded. By giving up a good thing for a short time for the purpose of growing closer to God, we can really make solid progress in moving towards living a content life.
Babies are allowed to cry and they’re allowed to demand attention. They aren’t mature and they don’t know any better. We’re men. So let’s get it together.
Dealing with Life’s Major Decisions
We’ve all come to a crossroads. Two paths that certainly have their benefits, but we can only choose one. In our single days the choice might have been hard, but we only had to look to ourselves to make it happen. In the married life, there’s more at stake.
As I was finishing my undergraduate degree at the venerable Franciscan University of Steubenville in the Spring of 2010, I had to decide where I’d spend the first of my working days. I trotted down to Career Services who told me that I should work for the school’s food management company. Since that brilliant plan seemed like a non-starter to me, I had come up with a new plan.
It was in that moment that I realized how lucky I was to be an American. I could move literally anywhere by simply making up my mind. It was a major life decision and one in which my opinion was the only one that mattered.
Fast forward to today, Alison is working on her Residency applications. We are now deciding, as a family, if and where we should move. There are many more factors in play as we consider her career, my career, Benedict’s future home and what our cat Sophia wants to see out the window.
As a couple, you’re going to face decisions that will require some serious thought. They might be a move across town, a completely new career, or starting your own business, or if you’re being called to grow your family! They could also be financial, spiritual, or educational (like where you’re going to send your kiddos to school).
Since these are a when, not an if, it can be helpful if you create a framework for these decisions. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
• Decisions should always be value decisions. When making a choice, you should make them in accordance with your values. If you value adventure, then your decisions should reflect that. If you’re looking for stability for your kids, your decisions should reflect that. If you have a commitment to take care of a family member, your decisions should reflect that.
• If you both don’t agree, then you don’t do anything. Alison and I have taken this approach in most decisions in our life and it is incredible. There are times when we don’t get what we want, but that is quickly outweighed by the peace we feel knowing we don’t have to do something we absolutely don’t want to.
• Keep all options on the table. Options give you flexibility and flexibility is a huge stress reducer. If you don’t get backed into a corner, you are in the driver’s seat. You tell your life what’s going to happen, not the other way around. Negotiate! This can be a lot of fun in your marriage and can make sure that there are no losers at the end of the day!
I’m not going to tell you that communication is important in your marriage because you already know that. But I will say that if you’re not sharing dreams, goals, or desires on a daily basis with your wife, then there will be rough seas when the major decision. If you’re not in sync before the decision presents itself, you may be sunk.
Major decisions will happen. Work on your marriage today so you’re ready to take them on when they knock on your door!
Keeping Yourself in Balance
Each stage of our lives has unique benefits. The single life brings freedom, but a lack of companionship. The married life brings companionship, but the inability to run from trouble. The life of a parent brings joy in new live, but difficulty in maintaining your own schedule.
It isn’t that one phase is better than the other, they each clearly have their advantages. It is the struggles that we have to get through.
I could have never imagined how much my son would impact my schedule. When you have a newborn who loves to be held, it can be quite hard to get anything done! He wants to be held, but the laundry needs to be done and the kitchen cleaned. There is a balance that must be struck, otherwise we’re sunk
The need to balance is universal experience of men. When you are single, you seek to balance time alone with time with friends. As a married man, you balance work and family life. As a parent, you balance playtime and the needs of the family.
While we know we need balance, we have no hope of achieving it if we don’t take care of the things that we need to do in order to know we are successful. For example, you might determine a day to be successful if you were able to pray and exercise. We all need to have daily goals to keep up on track, but with limited time, how can we accomplish this balance?
The answer is that you have to make time. You need to determine the absolute essentials and pursue them relentlessly daily. Maybe this means getting up an hour earlier or staying up an hour later. Maybe your lunch hour gets extended and you knock out some objectives.
You and your wife are a team. Motivate each other and cover for each other. If she needs a bath at the end of the day, then cover her duties while she takes that time. If you need to work out in the morning, maybe she starts getting the kids ready.
If you are taking care of yourself and she is taking care of herself, you’ll both be better off. So do what you need to do to make sure you’re both checking off your to-do lists!
Acts of Thankless Service
As humans, we long to be recognized for our accomplishments. From a very young age, we seek praise for doing good things. Yet, in the married life, sometimes the joy is in not being singled out for a particular good deed.
I love to surprise Alison! Whether it’s jumping out and scaring her or giving her an unexpected gift, there’s nothing better than the look of sheer terror or complete surprise on her face. One of my favorite surprises is cleaning while she’s at work or having a relaxing evening set up for her. Even more fun are doing the smaller acts of service that she might not even notice, but that improve her life. I call those acts of thankless service.
Spending your life chasing the recognition of others is a waste. Not only will you never be happy, your motives then become impure. You do something not because it’s good, but because of what it gets you.
Acts of thankless service really aren’t thankless. You get the satisfaction of a job well done and of doing something that improves someone else’s life. You have the fulfillment that we seek, knowing that you brought value to another’s life.
You need to be performing acts like these for your wife on a weekly, if not a daily basis.
Thankless jobs could be peeling potatoes or doing the dishes. They could also be something that you don’t really enjoy. For example, Alison loves having her back rubbed. It’s uncomfortable for me to do them and I don’t like it that much, but I do enjoy helping her to relax. She does thank me or express how much better she feels, but it’s the act of me putting her first that is the real reward.
Marriage is all-in. I’ve said before that if you both give 50-50, you’ll fail. The best way to go all in is to continually work for her benefit, lightening her load.
Why Hotels are Temples of Temptation
Hotels. As a kid, you were probably excited to stay in them. A new place to sleep, an adventure! As an adult, they can be incredibly oppressive. Perhaps the hotel means you’re on the road working, away from your wife and family. For some reason, hotels seem to be temples of temptation.
I’ve spent a small amount of time traveling for work. Sometimes I’d be with colleagues, other times I’d be one my own. Hotels are just a place for you to sleep. For too many people, however, they’re full of temptations to live a different life.
While hotels were intended to give travelers a safe place to stay the night, they’ve taken on a new twisted dimension. The first channels on the TV are the adult entertainment channels. They are often the locations for affairs or prostitution. Why? It’s just a room for sleeping in.
The reason is privacy. You don’t really have privacy at home. Sure, you can do what you need to do, but there is always going to be someone else around, eventually. Your wife may be at work, but she’ll be home eventually. Your kids are in school, but school gets out at 3pm. It’s not that your privacy is violated, it’s that your lack of privacy provides an environment that gives built-in accountability.
In a hotel, you’re anonymous. No one else is coming. If you’re on travel, there is a 0% chance of your wife walking in the door.
There’s the danger.
In the darkness of privacy, temptation gains a lot of strength. It’s the monster in the closet that you imagine is huge, but can’t tell because you’re afraid to open the door.
You also have an access issue. On your home TV, you probably don’t have adult entertainment channels. Your internet (hopefully) has a filter. In a hotel, those natural barriers are gone. You can really get a sense of what kind of man you are.
Am I saying that you shouldn’t stay in hotels? Of course not. But you wouldn’t run a marathon without training.
We have to be vigilant of our surroundings. We need to be self-aware of our own limits and weaknesses. The decisions you make today while you’re safe at home will build your decisions that you make when you’re on your own out there.
Be smart.
Dealing with Different Spiritualities
Being Catholic is spicy. It’s spicy because there isn’t only one way to be Catholic. In fact, there are countless ways to express and live your faith! We all have our own traditions and favorite methods of prayer. When you get married, you might find that your variety of Catholicism is different from your wife’s.
I consider myself a moderate Catholic. I’m serious about my faith, but I’m not super pro-Vatican II. I’m also not very charismatic. That puts me, as I see it, right in the middle of the road. My first experience with the charismatic movement was when I set foot on the campus of Franciscan University. It was a big shock, to say the least. To this day, I still have some difficulty understanding some parts of the movement. What I did come to figure out, in a practical way, was how each expression and devotion in our faith adds to the overall flavor of the Church.
I’m not sure where you’d put yourself, or where your wife may be. But I am sure that there is a chance that your wife will have been raised differently from you. I’ve figured out a thing or two about how to deal with differences in spiritualities.
• Realize that there is no “right way.” As long as an expression of faith is in union with the Magisterium, it’s usually good to go. The Church herself recognizes that the depth of faith is unimaginable. That’s part of the reason why She is so lenient on private revelation.
• Recognize that spirituality is a component of her. I’m a pretty regimented guy, so I like for prayer to be structured, at certain points during the day. Alison is a bit more free-spirited. It’s unfair of me to expect her to change who she is to fit into a certain prayer regimen. If she is more free-flowing in her daily life, I should’t expect her to be highly structured in her prayer life.
• Be open to new experiences. Faith, like relationships, go through seasons. There will be great springtimes when you have an almost retreat-like high. There will be dark and cold winters when you wonder what you’re doing. Finding a fresh new avenue can bring the spark back into your relationship with God.
We have a lot to learn from each other, and the Spirit moves people in different ways. You never know, you might just like moving in a new direction!
Laying Down Your Life for Her
Marriage was designed to be a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church. Being part of such a union is a big set of shoes to fill. What makes it even harder is that we’re called to lay down our life for our wife.
The concept of laying down my life for my wife in a theoretical or academic setting is easy. I’d like to think that, if it came down to it, I’d have the courage to make that call. My daily life, however, doesn’t reflect that predisposition.
When we are called to love our wives as Christ loved the Church, and to lay our life down for her, that doesn’t just mean the loss of our temporal life. That means our whole life. That means not playing Xbox in the evening if she needs to talk. That means doing chores instead of watching a movie. It means staying home to take care of your sick wife and missing out on those Super Bowl tickets.
I personally believe that if we don’t make the daily, small sacrifices, then if we are even put to the test, we might not pass. Those who are faithful in the small things are trusted with the bigger things.
Take a look at your own life and relationship with your wife. If you’re not laying down your life for her daily, you won’t when it really counts.