Catholic Husband

The other day I was looking at my iPhone. As I looked at the many apps that have earned a spot on my home screen, I realized how much they have changed the way I live my life daily. It’s not that I’d be lost without my phone, but my life would be different. I wouldn’t be as efficient or as motivated.

Having a wife does the same thing.

Your wife brings tremendous value to your life. Not in a utilitarian way, but in a practical way.

• She’s a confidant. Your wife is one of the few people in your life that you can truly be safe with. In fact, her role as your confidant is so strong, that in most cases, US law protects your conversations. It can be hard knowing who to trust today. It’s nice knowing that she’s there for you.

• She’s a sounding board. From difficult career decisions, to the daily management of your world, your wife is the perfect sounding board for all of your new ideas. She can help you ignore the bad ones, engage the good ones, and run with the great ones!

• She’s constant. Marriage is forever. She’s not going anywhere.

• She brings joy to your life. As you get to experience the world and life together, your wife is a great source of joy for you. You get to celebrate accomplishments together, and perhaps even create a new life together. Now that’s joy!

• She helps run your household. Running a house on your own is a ton of work. There is cooking, cleaning, laundry and shopping to be done and it takes planning, determination and teamwork to pull it off. Being a bachelor was great, but having someone to share the load with is even better.

Hopefully you find yourself filling the same value in her life!

The most important thing to recognize is that we can’t take our wives for granted. We can’t let the great experience of her bringing value to our lives just wash over us.

Cherish her… and show it!

The most common misconception of Catholic teaching on sexuality is that once you’re married, you’re allowed to do anything sexual you want. The idea is that before you’re married sex is bad and, as soon as you slip the ring on her finger, anything goes.

The problem with this worldview is that it discounts the fact that chastity in marriage is just as hard as chastity in the single life.

Our sexuality is an integral part of who we are as human persons. We can’t segment it off any more than we can put our intellect in a box. Yet, it is constantly assaulted. As the general morality continues to degrade, we have to be more and more intentional about protecting our chastity.

Infidelity (of thought or action) doesn’t happen in one day. In fact, if you think of it as a chain of events, you get a better understanding of how someone can toss their marriage aside for a fleeting pleasure. It starts innocent, maybe not even with a particular person. Then, the slippery slope leads to the permanent damage of your marriage.

The fight for chastity is different in marriage from the battle when you are single. In the single life, your fight is to preserve your chastity for your future spouse. It’s a single front battle.

In marriage, you have two fronts. The first is protecting your love for your wife and the second is the responsible use of your creative powers. Let’s chat about those for a moment.

• Protecting your love for your wife. While fighting this battle, you’re fighting the temptation of other women. You may be a good looking guy who gets a lot of attention from the fairer sex, or you might find yourself in a situation that is particularly dangerous. In either case, you have to insulate your love appropriately for sharing with you wife.

• The responsible use of your creative powers. We are lucky enough to have been allowed to share in God’s creative powers, which is amazing! We are also called to use them responsibly. As Catholics, it’s our duty to bring into the world the number of children that we are given. This does not mean that we must necessarily have a large family. What this does mean is that, by praying and participating in God’s plan, we can bring into the world the number of children that we can responsibly support without being a burden on society.

The struggle is real. In fact, if your marriage is doing any good in the world or for the Church, you’re a target. We’ve seen a great many highly respected men fall prey to a failure of chastity. So what can we do?

• Guard your eyes. Television shows and movies are getting more and more racy. Consider what you regularly consume in terms of visual media. If it contains a lot of graphic material, knock it off. It’s like your 6th grade math teacher told you about your calculator, “Junk in, junk out.”

• Guard your ears. After about the year 2000, pop music degraded into I’m not sure what. There’s some good stuff out there, but too much of it is trashy. The lyrics are catchy, but those catchy lyrics are about drugs and sex. It doesn’t mean you have to listen to Praise music (although you should give it a shot) or Jazz, but it does mean that if you want to respect your wife and women in general, you should consider which artists you support. By the way, I used to not enjoy praise music, but I love it now. There’s something amazing that happens to your brain and attitude when you listen to music that is all positive.

• Guard your home. Unfortunately, the Internet has brought in a lot of garbage with the tremendous benefit that it’s created in our lives. Install an internet filter and accountability software (my family uses Covenant Eyes). This is for three reasons. First, we know that kids on the Internet are exposed to pornography as young as 8 years old (usually on accident). Ouch. Second, even if it isn’t a problem or temptation for you, you’d be amazed at how much relief this kind of tool can bring. Knowing that you’re not going to accidentally stumble across something inappropriate and that, even if you tried to, you couldn’t takes tremendous power away from Satan. Last, the depth and breadth of the porn industry is incredible. The release of the movie Don Jon in 2013 got a lot of people talking about porn’s role in society. The Internet has made porn more accessible than ever. Pretending that your household is safe is foolish. Don’t be an idiot.

These tips aren’t about being a prude or a loser. If you think that, then you’re the loser. These are the small steps that MEN take in our world today. We take these steps because we reject Satan, and all of his works, and all of his empty promises. We take these steps because we love our wives and we want to be the men that they chose to lead their household.

The path to infidelity is a chain. The smallest mistake, unchecked, can lead quickly to ruin. So be a man and guard your eyes, guard your ears, and guard your home.

The institution of marriage is mind-blowing. Two people with two completely different personalities, with different family traditions, come together and promise, usually at a young age, to be faithful and loving to each other all the days of their lives. As an institution comprised of flawed human beings, it’s clear there is something supernatural within the sacrament of marriage.

Relationships are tough. We come into the world as blank slates. As children, we learn about relationships within a family and among friends. As young adults, we learn (and fail!) about romantic relationships. As married people, we learn what a permanent relationship requires.

When you’re young and you’re in a relationship, it can be hard to keep the thing afloat for a week. There are other prospects, you get bored, she’s no longer interested, you are both laking maturity. Yet, when we get married, we’re supposed to keep things spicy for a lifetime.

How?

Marriage is a marathon. That’s for sure. Marathons are not won and lost in the physical preparations, though. Winning the race is all in the mental war. It’s not the lead runner versus the next runner, it’s whether or not the lead runner can overcome the mental battle that keeps trying to get him to quit.

So how do you keep your marriage spicy?

• Keep the focus off of you. While it may seem like a good idea to make everything in the world about you, the truth is that you’re boring. Well, boring to yourself. You know basically everything about yourself. When you focus on your wife, you don’t get so bored. You’ve only known her for a fraction of the time that you’ve known you. There’s plenty to learn!

• Don’t get distracted. It’s easy to be distracted by the beauty around you. Marriage doesn’t somehow change your natural attractions. There are many ways to deal with this issue, and it may take a few of them to do the trick. Just remember, you chose your wife for a reason. So, stick with it!

• Celebrate each day. It’s a challenge to enjoy the newness of each day. Being alert enough to seek out the good in each day can really make a difference. Make each day special in it’s own way.

So keep things spicy, my friend.

Working in unison with your wife can be a powerful tool. In fact, when you both set your minds to a goal, you can achieve great things together!

I’m a very goal-driven person. I like to know where I’m going. The problem with working on a goal by yourself is that it can be hard to have accountability. You can throw yourself a pity party and give up. I’ve found that when Alison and I are working on a goal together, we get much further than I would than if I was pushing on my own.

Joint goals with your wife give you shared purpose. As you communicate about what you both want in life or in a particular instance, you both start to see the benefits of hitting that goal. There’s several reasons why working on goals with your wife can make you a formidable team.

• There’s a shared vision. When everyone in the car knows where you’re going, some decisions are just made for you. For example, if your goal is to get out of debt, you don’t have to wonder if it’s time to get a new TV or to go on vacation. You both know why you’re sacrificing and it makes it that much easier to say “no.”

• Two is better than one. It can be hard to work on a goal when your wife isn’t on board, especially if she’s against your goal. If your goal is to lose weight and she insists on making doughnuts, cakes, and rich desserts every day, you’re not going to lose an ounce. But, when you work together, you can both make your individual contributions and go the distance.

• It opens communication. When you set a goal together, you both better understand each other’s needs, wants, and desires. Your marriage is strengthened because you’re communicating on a much deeper level than the typical day-to-day “maintenance” communication.

It’s not all roses and butterflies. When you’re working together, you can also encounter complacency together. You can let each other “have a little break,” slack off, and miss the goal big time. You’ll have to find a way to counter complacency, but it will be easier if you both accept that it will happen.

Any goal worth doing will be a challenge. By working with your wife, instead of counter to her, you’ll both achieve goals you never thought possible!

All vocations are a calling to serve others. The single person is called the Church and community. The Priest is called to serve the Parish. The Religious are called to serve their community. The married person is called to serve their spouse and family.

One of the best ways to serve your wife is to lighten her load.

I’ve made it no secret here that one of my love languages is acts of service. I love surprising Alison with a freshly cleaned apartment or a relaxing evening routine. But I don’t reserve my service to occasional overt gestures, usually it’s a part of my daily life.

How we make our wife’s life easier really comes down to one question. What is it that I can do that will improve her life? Here are a few ideas:

• Take care of her car. There’s something about car maintenance (repairs or cleaning) that makes you feel like a man. Perhaps you could step in and keep track of when her car needs an oil change. When the time comes, knock it out! Make cleaning the cars a part of your week. Integrate it into your calendar.

• Deal with those annoying customer service issues. Nothing brings gratuitous profanities closer to my tongue than dealing with the communications companies. We all have issues with our internet, cell phones, billing, you name it. And we all know the companies that provide these services are hopelessly inept. Though it may be a near occasion for sin, you can take that stress on for her. It’s basically like taking a bullet for her.

• Ask her. We’re not mind readers. And if we are, we’re bad at it. There’s nothing wrong with asking her what you can take off her plate. She’ll probably like the fact that you’re asking the question.

Integration is the key to habit change. Put her in the center of your life and you’ll be set.