Reclaiming Wasted Time
Time is our most precious commodity. Like our health, once it’s gone, it’s not coming back. Yet, with so many minutes at our command, it can be dangerously easy to let seconds slip to minutes, slip to hours, slip to days without taking advantage of them.
Before Benedict was born, I had nothing but time on my hands. Alison and I would spend some time together each evening, but other than that, I was mostly free to idly let the evening hours pass me by. Then I started Catholic Husband and I had a nice activity to invest my time into. Fast forward a few months and I was writing a book. My idle hours dwindled, and I was quite happy. Today, I have a full plate of creative projects and Benedict to help care for. My wasted time has greatly diminished, but I can still waste some time if I don’t “feel” like writing or if I think I can push it off until tomorrow.
I bet we have a few wasted time activities in common. Spending hours watching TV is a waste of time. Not only are there precious few shows that are worth our time, most leave us feeling empty. We all have our guilty pleasures which, in moderation, are fine. But sitting and watching reality TV for 3 hours a day is a complete waste of time. Overusing our computers is also a waste of time. An easy way to find out if you should stop using your computer is if you find yourself staring at the screen asking yourself, “What next?” The computer is a fabulous tool and a fabulous time suck. Use it for the former. Perhaps video games are your outlet for wasted time. All of these things are fine in moderation, but are useless if used excessively.
How do we reclaim that wasted time?
• Cut your time in half. If you find that you don’t have enough time to take care of household tasks or pursue your dream, cut your wasted time activities in half. So if you spend 20 hours a week (a little more than 2 hours a day) watching TV, then see what you can do with 10 hours a week. You’ll be amazed at how much time you have to accomplish things.
• Make a list of alternative activities. If you don’t have a ready list of things to do in your newly reclaimed free time, you’ll just slide into a different time waster. Come up with some neat projects or off the wall ideas and then, when you find yourself in this newly reclaimed time, pick the thing that looks the most interesting. Your alternative activities could be reading, going for a walk, rearranging your bedroom, or even learning a new skill.
• Find your motivation. We never do anything because someone else tells us to. It may start the thought process, but we can’t follow through with any degree of success if we are doing it for someone else’s reasons. If you want to make a change, you need to admit that something is broken. Once you have your motivation, you’ll have the antidote to your urges to not change.
Time is too precious to let slip by. Make a choice today to not let your life pass by, filled only with re-runs.
Why You Always Lose
Conflict in your marriage is a certainty. You and your wife are working towards the same goals, but you may each have a different way to get there. There will be a lot of times when you’re in the wrong, but there will also be times when you’re right, but end up losing the fight anyway.
There have been several conflicts with Alison in which I felt like I was the person who was wronged. I try not to assign blame because I think it’s a waste of time and energy. Yet, even though I may have been right in the first place, I totally screwed up how I handled the situation and then I was really wrong. It really confused me as to how I could be right and wrong at the same time. I finally figured it out. It was how I managed our relationship that was taking me down the wrong path.
Conflict never feels good, but it can be more bearable if you’re not wrong. So, if you find yourself being right, here’s why you may end up feeling like the loser.
• You overreacted. People know when they’re wrong. They don’t like it when you turn it on them. Your wife probably didn’t mean to injure you, so don’t bring drama into the situation. Be calm, cool, and rational. This might require that you take a few steps back and get some perspective. If you overreact, you will hurt your wife’s feelings.
• You handled the postmortem wrong. Each conflict has a postmortem period where you reconcile and move on. If you go into it with arrogance or an “I told you so” attitude, then you will certainly be the loser. Show grace.
• You didn’t communicate clearly. I’ve found that most of Alison and I’s conflicts could be avoided if we would’ve communicated more clearly in the beginning. If you’ll take the time on projects and big decisions to clearly spell out what actions you’re taking and what you’re asking of your wife, then you might just save yourself a fight.
• You didn’t get all of the facts. We live in a busy world and ask our brains to hold a lot of information. We try to cut corners in conflict by making assumptions. But if you don’t have all of the facts, how can you make good decisions? When you assume incorrectly (which is often), you’ll hurt your wife’s feelings.
We don’t like conflict and we really don’t like losing. By handling the relationship side of a conflict better, we can work through our issues and end up with a stronger marriage on the other side.
The Benefits of Regular Confession
Every 3 months or 3,000 miles, you’re supposed to take your car in for routine maintenance. It’s a normal routine to keep your car in tip top shape. If you ignore it long enough, your car can experience bigger problems which end up costing you big money.
We regularly maintain our cars, yet we fail to regularly maintain our souls.
I was listening to “The Catholic Guy Show” on SiriusXM last year and Mark Hart (The Bible Geek) was on the show. The host, Lino, was asking Mark what his secret to an awesome marriage is. Mark replied that it was regular use of the Sacrament of Confession. For some reason, those words have stuck with me. The Church asks that the faithful go at least once a year, but that just isn’t often enough for me. I try to go every other week or at least once a month. I’m a failure and I need help. I gain the great graces that I need to get through the day from this Sacrament.
Making frequent use of the Sacrament of Confession has some real, tangible benefits.
• You can seed trends emerge. Confess the same sin enough times, you start to get the clue that you’ve got an issue. By regularly receiving the Sacrament, you take the time to reflect on your actions and determine what corrective measures are required.
• You bathe in graces. Reconciliation, like all Sacraments, is an atomic bomb of graces. These are graces not just to help you heal the hurt you’ve caused and ease the guilt you feel, they are so potent that they carry through beyond the Sacrament. They help you grow in love and help you to make better choices moving forward.
• It keeps your relationship with God in perspective. Comprehending God’s love is impossible this side of Heaven. By humbling yourself and presenting yourself in the Sacrament, you are reminded of your place in this relationship. You are the wayward son. You’re not without merit, but you’re not without faults. It’s comforting being the child in a relationship, because you know that the parent will always take care of your best interests. You’re not God, so let Him do what He does best.
If you haven’t been to confession in a while, pull out your bulletin, find out when your parish offers the Sacrament, and head on over.
The Importance of Growing Intellectually
When we’re learning to drive, our instructors teach us how to pass the test, not how to drive well. There are many things that are like that in our world. In school, we’re taught to pass the test, not master the materials. So when we finish our education, we’ve learned a set of facts, not how to pursue lifelong learning.
I’m as guilty as anyone of not reading assigned course materials. When you’re in school, everything else seems so much more fun. It’s usually fun for the moment, but I now regret not taking the time to immerse myself in the joy of studying. For the first year or two after graduating from college, I didn’t crack a book. Then, one day, I just started reading. I found myself much more satisfied after an hour of reading than after an hour of watching TV or surfing the internet. There’s a sense of joy in learning something new and it underscores how we can let life pass us by if we’re not lifelong learners.
Once you finish your formal education, how you grow as a person is based totally on your choices. If you don’t learn a new skill or read books that bring value and new ideas to your life, you will not progress further in your intellectual maturity. Essentially, you could find yourself a decade later no better of a person than when you graduated. Ouch.
School is the beginning of learning. You gain basic facts and ideas, and then you are supposed to take them and branch out. You figure out which subjects interest you and then you can pull that thread and see what you find out. Your intellectual growth isn’t just about you. It’s also about your wife. I want to be the best possible man I can be for Alison, and that involves finding ways to continue to grow.
There are plenty of ways to grow your mind, but if you’re not sure where to start, here are a few primers.
• Read. We are so incredibly lucky to live in a world where you can find a book on almost any subject. Even better, you don’t have to pay for them. The library is an amazing place if you take the time to stop by from time-to-time. I’d even encourage you to spend time reading daily. You get to choose the book or subject! There is no “required reading” list. Try not to spend too much time in reading that doesn’t bring value to your life. For example, reading nothing but fantasy books isn’t necessarily going to help you grow. Reading a book on gardening, cooking, productivity, business, or history will.
• Learn a new skill. Hopefully you have a list somewhere of things you want to learn to do. It could be learning to write mobile apps (one of mine!), how to play the piano, or a new language. The great thing about learning new skills is that they make you more valuable. You can take that skill and potentially increase your income. Even better, learning new skills are fairly inexpensive these days. You can always find a tutor or some other resource that will help you get where you need to be. Not bad!
• Pursue your interests. Experiencing new cultures or traveling is a great way to grow intellectually. Don’t travel to a beach and just park there for a week. Get out into the community and find out what makes that particular destination special. What is its history? Do they have museums or theaters? Every city has something to offer… find it!
Growing intellectually doesn’t have to be a drag. In fact, it can be incredibly fulfilling! Time is always ticking away… how will you invest yours?
Fight with Your Wife
We live in a culture that despises conflict, but loves drama. We think that conflict means that someone is right and someone is wrong. That’s wrong.
Alison and I found out early in our marriage that we are terrible at fighting. My tactic in life, not just in marriage, is to only take up the fights that I think are worth it. If I don’t think I can make a change, then I don’t bother. The problem with that is that it builds up pressure that eventually has to be released. When we sit down and talk through the conflict, we’re much more successful in getting through it.
Conflict in your marriage is actually a great tool to refine and strengthen your relationship.
• Conflict highlights areas of disunity. Unity in marriage is vitally important, and disunity will destroy you faster than anything. The trick to getting rid of disunity is to both know what it is and then do something about it. Conflict gives you a chance to figure out why you aren’t united and to fix it.
• Conflict gives helpful feedback about perceptions. We have perceptions about all sorts of things. Sometimes we don’t know how our wife perceives us. I may think that Alison views me as an outstanding husband, but in a fight if she gives me a litany of the things I’ve done wrong in our relationship, I can finally face the truth and correct. It’s helpful feedback, not positive feedback.
• Conflict between mature adults leads to positive outcomes. A fight in high school between best friends could lead to extreme negative outcomes. As two mature adults, you can sit down and work through an issue without worrying about revenge. This conflict isn’t about her or me, it’s about us. This is how we can make us better.
Avoiding conflict in your marriage is a bad idea. Pent up anger leads to resentment and resentment is a wedge that can drive you both apart. Carrying around all of that resentment is too much of a burden. You need each other! So fight with your wife and work it out!
Evening Routines
The end of today tees up the beginning of tomorrow. The things that you do in the evening can have a direct effect on how well tomorrow goes. The key to this whole system is a solid evening routine.
I’m a very process-driven person. I keep a running to do list, I keep my eye on the big picture, and I love to automate systems. if there is a way I can turn a project into a system, I’ll do it. One of the things that I’ve found is that if I establish a routine, I can guarantee a high success rate on my daily task list. It’s because I take the time to budget my time that I keep myself from wasting too much of it.
I’ve found a solid evening routine to be my best weapon in starting tomorrow off on the right foot.
Evening routines (or rituals) can be very helpful, not just on a practical level.
• It can give you a more natural, restful, and refreshing sleep. Your brain is one smart computer. It notices trends and tries to adapt to better meet your needs. If you do the same series of events each evening, your brain will learn that those tasks are sleep cues and will eventually start to put itself to sleep.
• It sets up tomorrow for a great start. You can plan things into your evening routine that will help your lazy morning self. If you wake up early to exercise, by laying out your exercise clothes, you can rob sleepy you of an excuse. You could also get the coffee ready or lay out your suit. The fewer decisions you have to make in the morning, the more productive your day will be.
• It closes out today with finality. Today is over at midnight. An evening routine can help you do the things you need to close out the day with. It could be cleaning the kitchen, refilling your water pitcher, or shutting down your computer.
My routine changes about once a season. It’s not usually a major change, just enough to meet the activities of the season. Yours will be different, but this might be a nice primer.
I start at 9:00pm. I want to be in bed by 10:10pm so I can wake up at 4:50am for my daily exercise. So, when the clock strikes 9, I do these things:
• Oral hygiene. I brush and floss my teeth. Simple.
• Prayer time. I made it a goal in 2014 to be more structured in my prayer. Each Quarter, I change the prayer activity in this time slot. Right now I’m reading a chapter in the Bible. I started with Sirach.
• Turn down bed. It’s very refreshing in hotel’s when you come in late and the bed is ready for you. I clear the top of the bed and turn down the comforter.
• Choose outfits for tomorrow. I have roughly four outfits I wear in a given day. My pajamas, my workout clothes, clothes that I wear during the day around the house, and work clothes. I lay them out in strategic places so they are where they need to be when I need them.
• Buffer time. At this point, It’s usually about 9:30pm. I spend the last half hour on whatever Alison needs. It may be hanging out, reading, holding/feeding Benedict, or just chatting. This is margin time for her.
At 10:00pm, we’re giving Benedict his evening snack and then it’s off to bed.
Your evening routine may be completely different. No matter what activities you do, you should ask yourself this simple question: what things do I need to do tonight that will set me up for success tomorrow?
Destroying Bad Habits
Over the course of our lives, we develop many habits. Some of these habits will take us further than we ever thought possible. Others will chip away at our core, little by little. The tricky thing about habits is that sometimes they sneak up on us. We slide into them until it’s too late. Then we’re stuck. Habits can be remarkably easy to form, and nearly impossible to break.
A few months ago, I developed a horrible habit. I ignored my alarm clock. Not just hitting snooze a couple of times and then begrudgingly getting out of bed. I’m talking about waking up (eventually) and not remembering hearing or turning off my alarm. It was dangerous for two reasons. First, because I was missing out on the morning, which for me is the most productive time for me personally. Second, because I ran the risk of being late for my first appointments. I knew I couldn’t wander out of this bad habit. I had to destroy it.
Bad habits hold you back. If your bad habit is overeating, you’ll gain weight. Gain enough weight and you’ll lose energy. Your health will decline. As your health declines, you’ll develop life-threatening illnesses. You’ll no longer be able to do some of the things that you love. All of it started with simply eating too much. That’s the power of a habit.
You’ll be better off when you destroy these bad habits. Don’t take them all on at the same time, you’ll surely fail. Focusing on the worst habit until it’s dead and then moving on to the next is your best bet. You may have been stuck in bad habits for years, but now is the time to plot a better path forward. Here’s how.
• Identify what leads you to the habit. Our behaviors and decisions are like a chain. Each link in the chain leads us to the outcome. If we break a link, we break the chain. Smaller actions and events are the links, and the chain is the decision. For example, you overeat because you’re sad because you saw an old friend is doing well on Facebook, which you were on because you were bored, which you were on because you decided to idly surf the internet instead of reading a book. If this occurs on a regular basis, then you can avoid overeating by avoiding idle surfing. You have to break a link before you get to the end of the chain. You know your triggers, and if you don’t, careful reflection can help you identify them.
• Find why you’re doing the habit. How did this habit start? At what point in your life did you start? What emotions drive you to them? This can be a painful step because you really have to face yourself in the mirror and call it like it is. This is where you face the cold hard truth. Maybe you’re looking to fill a void in all of the wrong places. Maybe this is where you find out that your wife isn’t meeting an emotional need of yours. Maybe this this where you find that you’re asking your wife to fill a void that isn’t her responsibility. Understanding your motivations will help you take steps in the right direction.
• Make a plan. Now that you know your triggers and motivations, it’s time to plan to avoid them. Put up barriers. Do something crazy. Bad habits must be destroyed! It’s going to be significantly harder to defeat them than it was to form them. So, for each trigger, find three ways to get around them. Then, when you’re in the trigger’s vicinity, choose an action plan and move around it.
• Expect failure. You’re not perfect. You didn’t form this habit in a day. So don’t expect to defeat it in a day. You’ll fail plenty of times. The trick is to not despair. Don’t give up. Go back to the drawing board, come up with a new plan, and attack again. Keep this strategy up long enough, and you’ll find success.
Changing your life is never easy. But changing your life is worth it.
Better Each Day
My favorite boss had a saying that has stuck with me. “It’s never too late to do the right thing.” As men, we struggle. We have mistakes that we make every day. Yet, each new day gives us the chance to do things right again.
If you’re like me, you have some chores around your house that you avoid. It’s not that I don’t want to do them, it’s that I don’t know how. For example, I cannot fold Alison’s shirts to save my life, or even iron my own shirts. In those cases, I usually let Alison take the lead. But should I let that weakness hang around for the next 60 years? Or should I learn and get better?
It’s critical for us to learn something new each day. We know what our weaknesses are, so why don’t we work on them? There’s several reasons to be better each day.
• We can better serve our wife. Going back to the laundry example, I can better serve Alison if I finally take the time to learn how she likes her shirts folded. If there is a chore that I can take off of her plate, I can be a better husband to her.
• We don’t have to make yesterday’s mistakes again. Mistakes are wasted if we don’t learn their lessons. One of the lies of sin is that you’ll never get it right. No matter how hard you try, you’ll just fall back into the same habit. But that’s just it. It’s a lie. We have the ability to choose to not make the same mistakes over and over. But it’s a choice.
• We can refine our skills. Chores aren’t so bad if we know what we’re doing. If we can take the stress of ignorance out of the situation, we can let it be a labor of love. Who wouldn’t want that?
If we go to bed the same man that we woke up as, then shame on us. Always keep pushing, keep seizing the day!
Trusting God
You really can’t go wrong placing your trust in God. Still, it’s one of the hardest things we can do as people. Trusting in God means letting go of control and we really like control.
The times when I find my trust in God to be weakest tends to be around major life choices. There is almost an element of superstition. I will take steps that I think will get me to where I want to be, but then I’m superstitious about inaction. If I don’t do this thing, then I won’t get what I want. I trust God right up to the point where I don’t trust Him. I have to participate in His Will in order for things to happen, meaning that my actions are His instruments. It makes trust almost a mental exercise. It’s all about my attitude.
When I have the attitude that God is in control and will take care of things, I get peace. When I don’t, I get stress.
We have to find the balance between trusting and cooperating. God isn’t going to appear and give me a promotion at work, but my hard work in concert with prayer might. God isn’t going to show up and pay off my credit cards, but my planning and sacrifice with prayer might.
This is a path to holiness because it’s full of patience. We don’t always know what we need or we might ask for something that’s actually quite harmful to us. If the answer to our prayer is to “wait” or is “no,” God might be inviting us to grow in other virtues.
That also makes this path full of temptation. The Devil’s great sin was that of pride and boy can we be prideful when we’re asking God for favors. We lose the trust/cooperate balance when we stop praying. The moment that we think we can go it without Him is the moment we succumb to pride.
We must be humble in approaching the Throne of God and remember our place in the relationship. He is the parent, we are the child. We want to live in harmony with our parents and we want them to grant our wishes, but we also need to remember that they always have our best interests at heart.
Blessings at Mass
Sunday Mass is a beautiful thing. It neatly wraps up one week and begins the next, all in one giant prayer. It’s a time for us to be safe, away from the world, refocusing our life on the One who loves us most.
I always thought that having a child would end my ability to pay attention at Mass. You look around at the other families and the kids are so adorable that you can’t take your eyes off of them, or they’re little pistols moving constantly. Right now Benedict is the former. What I didn’t realize is how your children actually enhance your Mass experience.
Mass is not about what you “get out of it.” If the choir is bad, or the homily is lame, it doesn’t matter. Mass isn’t about the parts, it’s about the sum. It’s about celebrating the life that we have, the opportunity to live in Heaven, and to bring our needs and thanks to God’s altar. In our ultra busy world, it’s a chance for us to slow down and rest. It’s the right time to pause and acknowledge our faults and failings, and resolve to rise and sin no more.
Mass is also a great time to reflect on our blessings. Benedict is just plain cute right now. Alison and I have a rotating schedule to determine who gets to hold him each week during mass. It’s something we both look forward to! Of course, if I’m not holding him, I still get to look at him, so it’s really a win-win. Back to the point, Benedict is a blessing to both Alison and I. In the spiritual life, there are many abstracts. It’s nice to have a concrete blessing to look at. Other blessings could include a prayer answered, some good news at work, or even resolving a conflict in your life or marriage.
Many Catholics think that Mass is boring or unnecessary. That would make them wrong. What’s so sad about this opinion is that it causes people to miss the weekly (or daily!) joyful celebration of our life as God’s chosen people.
Next time you’re at Mass, contemplate the many blessings in your life and give thanks for them!