Having Serious Talks
Daily married life is often light and playful. There are jokes, stories, and general bonding. There will be also times in your marriage when you’ll need to have a serious conversation with your wife. It’s important that the weight of these conversations are well known while you’re having them.
It can be hard for Alison and I to keep a straight face during any serious conversation. We’re typically joking around and laughing, so transitioning to a serious setting can be a challenge. Early in our marriage, I didn’t know how to make that transition, so naturally I did it poorly. As time has gone on, I’ve gotten more skilled by using a few techniques.
Starting the conversation can prove to be the most difficult. If you’re initiating the talk, decide how to best broach the subject. If it’s a particularly unpleasant subject, getting started on the right foot is really important. This is going to be a conversation, but it’s different from your normal communication. You’re seeking some end, some result that you feel is necessary. It might be best to use the “sandwich” method. Start with something positive, meet the challenge head-on, and then finish with something positive.
The location of a conversation communicates a lot about its content. If you try to talk about a serious matter in the middle of a busy restaurant, you’re putting yourself and your wife at a disadvantage. This topic deserves your full attention and those 90 HDTVs aren’t helping. Choose someplace private, quiet, and where you can both be sitting. As humans, we communicate more nonverbally than verbally. The location can help add to the quality of conversation.
Be clear about the resolution you seek. The conversation will end, and when you get to that point, what would you like to have accomplished? Some subjects will require multiple discussions. That’s fine, but make sure that both you and your wife understand where you need to end today. Otherwise you might both leave the discussion disappointed or angry.
All marriages have difficult and serious talks that need to be had. When you get to one, give it the time, attention, and maturity that it deserves.
Retreats
In the Catholic Church, we spend a considerable amount of time educating our youth about the Faith. It’s almost a universal that youth ministry programs have, as their annual cornerstone, some type of a retreat. Retreats are a time for us to get away from our daily lives and focus solely on our relationship with God.
I attended Catholic High School, and retreats were an integral part of the annual curriculum. As I entered into my Senior Year, I was even a part of the retreat leadership team. The great thing about the retreat program was that it provided a quality retreat experience annually. I didn’t have to do any searching or planning, it was set. Since graduating High School, I haven’t been on a structured retreat. It’s much harder as an adult to find quality time to dedicate to worthy retreats.
Although it can be difficult to find a retreat to go on, we should try our best to seek them out; they’re an excellent tool in our spiritual life.
• Retreats offer a chance for reflection. We’re busy men with many obligations. It can be tiring and overwhelming to go, go, go. A significant problem with always going and never reflecting is that we can easily slip out of good habits and into bad ones. Our daily prayer life might slowly fade away and we may not even notice it. Retreats give us the chance to reset our spiritual priorities.
• Retreats can help you be a better person. A tall order, but entirely possible. There is something amazing about a retreat experience when you get back in touch, in a very real way, with God and your relationship grows stronger. You may have even heard of “coming off the mountain” as being a common post-retreat problem. It’s an experience where you have a real encounter with God and then have to go back into the harsh world that we live in. When the Apostles were up with Jesus on the mountain during the Transfiguration, they wanted to stay. They wanted to live in that constant grace. But we’re not called to live on the retreat mountain, we’re called to live in the world. It’s those “mountain top” experiences that give us the energy and inspiration to live our lives well.
• Retreats give you specific and powerful prayer time. It’s easy for your daily prayer to not be a priority. It’s a part of your day, sure, but it takes up so little time that we don’t really give it time to work. Retreats are 100% prayer time. Like anything when you give it your full focus, amazing things can happen.
We change the oil in our cars regularly and we go to the doctor for our annual physical, but we don’t give our souls the tune-ups that they need. Our souls need this time. So find a men’s retreat, schedule your own, or stay tuned to Catholic Husband and take advantage of some of the projects that we’ll be releasing over the rest of this year to keep your soul running in good condition!
The Transition
Today is an amazing day. Today is March 19th, the Feast of St. Joseph. One year ago today, Catholic Husband launched.
It’s truly amazing the difference a year can make. One year ago, I never would have imagined that I would still be on this mission. This blog has outlasted all other blogs I’ve created… combined!
One year ago, Alison and I had just found out that we were parents. Now, today, Benedict is here, sitting up, and laughing.
I wanted to mark this day in a very special way. Nothing could better encapsulate this past year than the release of my first book, The Transition.
Writing this blog, and authoring a book are two dreams that I’ve had for a long time. Today, they are both a reality. I wrote the book because we only get one chance to build our marriage right. I don’t want other guys to make the mistakes that I did or be ignorant as I was. This book sets you up for success. It walks you through the entire engagement process from thinking about proposing to your big day. I truly believe that this is a resource that can significantly improve men’s experience of engagement.
Both the blog and the book are realities that were made possible by you! I am daily honored by your support. It’s a great honor and joy personally for me to be able to share transparently my marital journey with you. I love interacting with you and learning from you. None of this would be possible without you, the reader. I hope that Alison and I’s efforts in this project have made your life better.
As I reflect on this past year, I’m even more excited about the many good things that I have in store for you. I’ve got a full schedule for 2014 of great resources and projects to spread the good news of marriage further!
Thank you for your support. I can’t wait to travel on this journey for another year with you.
Why I Love Lent
For many years growing up, I hated Lent. I hate the color purple and everything liturgical was so gloomy. There was no festivity, no excitement, no sizzle! I was, of course, wrong.
A few years ago, two things happened. First, I dug deeper into the concept of forgiveness and gained tremendous insight. To achieve true, pure forgiveness is a rare feat. Yet God achieves it every time I visit with Him in the Sacrament of Confession. Second, I did deeper study into the actual crucifixion of Christ. After being Catholic for a while, you sort of sanitize the whole deal. Jesus looks sad on the crucifixes that we see, but none of them really do justice to the sheer torture He endured. And I had a very real role in causing his pain.
Lent is actually a fabulous time. It’s a spring cleaning for your soul. You get to set time aside to take your faith really seriously and evaluate how you’re living. You get to hit the reset button and do better starting today. Here’s why I really love Lent:
• There are tons of graces. We have many opportunities to gain Indulgences, but it seems like Lent presents tons of bonus opportunities. Meditating on the Stations on the Cross or even praying particular prayers on Fridays are a few of the options for the baseline criteria. You have the other steps to take, but they get you started on Indulgence Avenue!
• There are lots of opportunities to enrich your faith. During Lent, your Parish probably has a multi-day Mission. They invite in a speaker who preaches for a series of evenings on a particular topic. It’s basically free education for your spiritual life. BOOM! They also might schedule a Penance Service or other speakers, family nights, and special events. It’s like the Easy-Bake Oven of the spiritual life.
• You get to explore new ways of Praying. Prayer doesn’t fit into a box. Lent encourages you to think of new ways to pray. There are sacrifice, almsgiving, and even the special things you do during Lent. Prayer isn’t always just words, sometimes it’s action. Lent gives us the chance to explore.
In conclusion, I was wrong. Lent is awesome. So let’s take advantage!
Your Marriage
Your marriage was meant for good.
Your marriage was meant for permanence.
Your marriage was meant for generosity.
Your marriage was meant for exclusive, powerful, life-giving love.
Accept no substitutes.
Finding Time to Pray Together
Prayer in common is a tradition in Catholicism that goes back to our beginnings. Catholics, though we weren’t called that yet, would gather in each other’s home to pray and break bread. Today we have a more formalized liturgy that is the Mass. We gather together in God’s house to pray as a community. We know that wherever two or more are gathered, God is in our presence. Praying with your wife is an essential practice in your marriage.
Although prayer together is a priority in our lives, Alison and I have struggled to find the right time since the arrival of Benedict. When we were dating long distance, we’d end each evening with a phone call during which we’d pray Night Prayer from the Divine Office. For almost the first year of our marriage, we’d take time to pray before going to bed. We’d try to keep the prayer time fresh with different forms.
Praying with your wife is a fantastic idea. There’s no “right” way to pray, each person and couple has their own spiritualities. Your prayers encompass all of the needs, wants, and desires in your life. You pray in Adoration of God’s greatness, in thanksgiving for graces and blessings, in petition for your needs and in intercession for the needs of others.
The timing really depends on you as a couple. You could pray first thing in the morning when you wake up if you both wake up at the same time. You could schedule a weekly “sacred space” on your calendar and spend that time in prayer, or you could pray in bed as you’re drifting off to sleep.
Praying with your wife is important for a number of reasons.
• It is spiritual and emotional bonding time. We’ve talked many times about the bonding that your marriage as a human relationship requires. Each component of your human persons needs to have a chance to bond. So, you need to bond emotionally, mentally, and physically. You also need to bond spiritually. When you pray together, you fulfill two types of key bonding.
• You share petitions. One of the best ways to find out what’s going on in someone’s life is to listen to their petitions. You cut through all of the smoke, mirrors, and facades and find out exactly what’s going on in their hearts. Praying together not only lets you find out your wife’s petitions, it allows you to strengthen them by interceding for her. Boom.
• You approach God as one. Though it can be hard for us to perceive in our daily, physical world, we are one with our wives. At our Nuptial Mass, we freely bound ourselves to each other. When we pray together, we approach the Throne of God as one, truly united as we are. It makes our experience of prayer that much stronger.
Like anything worth doing, finding time to pray together is going to be difficult. Yet, the rewards are worthwhile.
How She Communicates
Communication. We all want lots of high quality communication, but it can be difficult to find. In a marriage, communication is essential.
While I’ve had quite a bit of experience in the business world meeting with and communicating with a wide variety of people, I’ve found that communicating with Alison requires more focus and attention to detail. It has nothing to do with Alison or anything that she does. Rather, it has more to do with the depth of our relationship.
In a business transaction, the communication is very linear. A business has a need, and I have a product that meets that need. Our communication is straightforward: can I deliver in a timeframe that’s agreeable and will they be able to pay.
In my marriage, the communication is dynamic. We communicate about basic, business-like transactions. But we also communicate hopes, fears, and dreams. Sometimes, our dreams or fears can be competing. That’s when we really have to dig in and figure everything out.
The first step to communicating better with your wife is to recognize the depth that is required in your relationship. This is unlike any other relationship you’ve had, so that means that you’ll want to go about things differently. The best thing you can do is to be flexible in your own communication style.
Find out from her how she likes to communicate, especially about difficult subjects. Is there a place or atmosphere that helps her to better work through a situation? Understanding her particular preferences can go a long way. Being flexible in your own style will help as well. I prefer to lay all of my cards out on the table, but Alison prefers to work through each issue individually. So while I’d prefer instant resolution, I understand that I need to slow things down, especially on a complex issues.
If you have questions about her style, then ask! Get as much clarity as you can because it will pay off big time.
Communication is the crux of your marriage. Do it poorly and you’ll have a rocky road, do it well, and there’s nothing that you can’t do together.
Budget Committee
Finances are central to our lives. Money is how we buy the things we need, and do the things we love. Having money can be a great thing, but it can also be a tremendous burden. If you don’t take the time to decide what you’re going to do, you’ll soon find you don’t have any. In your marriage, working with your wife to determine how you’ll spend your money is one of the most important things you can do together.
When we were dating, Alison introduced me to Dave Ramsey. Dave is a biblical financial counselor who is fairly well known in the financial world as a relentless advocate for living a debt-free life. Dave’s main point is this: if you take the time to plan for your money, you’re going to be set up for a great life.
Starting with the first day of our marriage, Alison and I have always worked together on our finances and it has made our marriage better for it.
The number one cause of divorce in our country is money problems. That makes this subject a top priority. Dave presents the concept of a “Budget Committee” as a way of coordinating the allocation of resources. The Budget Committee is simply you and your wife. You sit down at least once a month and decide what bills and purchases will be funded that month. You and your wife both have 1 vote and you each have veto power. If you both don’t agree on something, then nothing gets done on that subject right now.
Here’s what I like about the Budget Committee:
• It promotes transparency. There are many aspects in a marriage that an abusive spouse can take and turn into a weapon. Money is a big one. By meeting regularly as a Budget Committee, both spouses know where the money is, where it came from, and where it’s going.
• It keeps you both in control. Too many spouses hide money problems from each other. Not only is this dishonest, hiding a financial burden can be overwhelmingly stressful. By working together, you can both see where the problem areas are, develop a plan to fix it, and then execute.
• It forces you to be a mature adult. Money is finite, so you can only do so much with it. By putting together a monthly financial plan, you have the “need versus want” discussion and spend your money on the right things.
Setting up the Budget Committee can be challenging if both spouses don’t buy in to the concept, but it has the potential to take your marriage from good to great.
Be Responsible
The era of immaturity is dead.
As men, we get to enjoy the benefits of manhood. We can drink, buy guns, and stay out as late as we want. At the same time, we must accept the responsibility that manhood brings.
Alison has shared with me far too many stories from the hospital maternity ward of men who are shirking the responsibilities of fatherhood just as it’s beginning. It’s sad and it’s wrong.
As we grow older, we gain more responsibility. For some reason, we’ve equated responsibility with something negative. We think it’s boring, dull, or stupid.
Responsibility isn’t any of those things.
Responsibility is:
• Being a man. We have the duty to defend the defenseless. We have the duty to model good citizenship to those around us. We have the duty to meet the obligations that we have. This is the essence of man.
• Meeting the needs of your wife. Your wife has spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental needs. While we aren’t created to solely meet all of her needs, we are called to either meet them or help her find ways to meet them. We can’t abandon her under any circumstances.
• Putting yourself last. A real man knows that his needs, wants, and desires come last in his household. We are made to provide. We are made to serve. We are not made to be the center of our own universe.
You’ve made commitments, so honor them.
When God Says “No”
There is an experience that is common among all of us. There is something that you really want and so you pray for it. You pray your heart out. Then you don’t get it. Ouch.
What now?
I’ve had plenty of experiences when I prayed for something and it never happened. It’s a difficult time and can bring you close to a crisis of faith. What I’ve found is that it’s usually a good thing that I didn’t get what I asked for.
When you make a prayer of petition, God has three answers that He gives. “Yes," “No," and “Not now.” It’s when God says “no" that things are tough.
While it’s difficult to get yourself emotionally detached from the situation, you need to recognize first that God is your Father. As your Father, He’s got your best interest at heart. Maybe the thing that you’re asking for would be destructive to you!
A no is usually an invitation to grow in some virtue. That virtue is quite often patience. I like to get where I want to be as fast as humanly possible. But if I always get to take the shortcut, then I miss out on valuable lessons. These lessons help me grow to be a better person.
No matter what your prayer is, it’s always a good idea to be mindful of our motivations. If we are seeking something for our own greater glory, then perhaps that’s why God said “No.” Motivation matters, and you can’t hide your motives from God. He’s too smart.
So what do you do when God says no to your prayer?
• Say Thank You. You don’t know today what God saved you from, but gratitude is important. He’s holding you in existence and making sure you have all that you need, so keep perspective in your relationship. Be grateful for what you have and that He’s willing to show you some tough love.
• Pray about virtue. This “no" is going to help you grow in some virtue that you need growth in. Pray that you might seize the opportunity to grow in this area of your life.
• Reconsider your “needs.” What was this intention and why did you so desperately desire it? Prayerfully consider what you are asking God for and decide if it’s really a need in your life.
“No” is a part of our daily lives, even our spiritual walk. Instead of letting it sour your relationship with God, take the chance to improve it.