Catholic Husband

Communication. We all want lots of high quality communication, but it can be difficult to find. In a marriage, communication is essential.

While I’ve had quite a bit of experience in the business world meeting with and communicating with a wide variety of people, I’ve found that communicating with Alison requires more focus and attention to detail. It has nothing to do with Alison or anything that she does. Rather, it has more to do with the depth of our relationship.

In a business transaction, the communication is very linear. A business has a need, and I have a product that meets that need. Our communication is straightforward: can I deliver in a timeframe that’s agreeable and will they be able to pay.

In my marriage, the communication is dynamic. We communicate about basic, business-like transactions. But we also communicate hopes, fears, and dreams. Sometimes, our dreams or fears can be competing. That’s when we really have to dig in and figure everything out.

The first step to communicating better with your wife is to recognize the depth that is required in your relationship. This is unlike any other relationship you’ve had, so that means that you’ll want to go about things differently. The best thing you can do is to be flexible in your own communication style.

Find out from her how she likes to communicate, especially about difficult subjects. Is there a place or atmosphere that helps her to better work through a situation? Understanding her particular preferences can go a long way. Being flexible in your own style will help as well. I prefer to lay all of my cards out on the table, but Alison prefers to work through each issue individually. So while I’d prefer instant resolution, I understand that I need to slow things down, especially on a complex issues.

If you have questions about her style, then ask! Get as much clarity as you can because it will pay off big time.

Communication is the crux of your marriage. Do it poorly and you’ll have a rocky road, do it well, and there’s nothing that you can’t do together.

Finances are central to our lives. Money is how we buy the things we need, and do the things we love. Having money can be a great thing, but it can also be a tremendous burden. If you don’t take the time to decide what you’re going to do, you’ll soon find you don’t have any. In your marriage, working with your wife to determine how you’ll spend your money is one of the most important things you can do together.

When we were dating, Alison introduced me to Dave Ramsey. Dave is a biblical financial counselor who is fairly well known in the financial world as a relentless advocate for living a debt-free life. Dave’s main point is this: if you take the time to plan for your money, you’re going to be set up for a great life.

Starting with the first day of our marriage, Alison and I have always worked together on our finances and it has made our marriage better for it.

The number one cause of divorce in our country is money problems. That makes this subject a top priority. Dave presents the concept of a “Budget Committee” as a way of coordinating the allocation of resources. The Budget Committee is simply you and your wife. You sit down at least once a month and decide what bills and purchases will be funded that month. You and your wife both have 1 vote and you each have veto power. If you both don’t agree on something, then nothing gets done on that subject right now.

Here’s what I like about the Budget Committee:

• It promotes transparency. There are many aspects in a marriage that an abusive spouse can take and turn into a weapon. Money is a big one. By meeting regularly as a Budget Committee, both spouses know where the money is, where it came from, and where it’s going.

• It keeps you both in control. Too many spouses hide money problems from each other. Not only is this dishonest, hiding a financial burden can be overwhelmingly stressful. By working together, you can both see where the problem areas are, develop a plan to fix it, and then execute.

• It forces you to be a mature adult. Money is finite, so you can only do so much with it. By putting together a monthly financial plan, you have the “need versus want” discussion and spend your money on the right things.

Setting up the Budget Committee can be challenging if both spouses don’t buy in to the concept, but it has the potential to take your marriage from good to great.

Think for a moment about the early days of dating. A new relationship is fresh, vibrant, and exciting. Your heart races as you receive a new text message.

Dating has a lot of fun physiological responses. Euphoria, a racing heart, sweating palms. It’s fun to just think about it!

Marriage is quite different. You don’t experience those same responses as frequently, so you start to wonder if you’re no longer in love. Marriage is a marathon, while dating is a sprint. They’re different.

But just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t live like you’re dating.

Marriage’s permanence removes lots of uncertainty about the future. You don’t have to worry about breaking up or hiding who you really are. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t bring an air of excitement to your daly life.

Here are a few ideas for how you can put the fun in fundamental marriage.

• Date nights. If you’re not still going out on dates with your wife, you’re doing it wrong. There are exceptions to every rule, but you need to be still having experiences and rediscovering each other on a regular basis. You are two people who are changing daily. By setting aside alone time, you can get to know each other better on a regular basis.

• Surprises. Who doesn’t like surprises? I wrote about this recently in my article called “Little Surprises.” Basically, you can add excitement into your wife’s life by surprising her with small tokens or mementos.

• New experiences. You and your wife should try something you’ve never tried before. Even if you think you may not like it, give it a go! If nothing else, you might have something funny to look back on.

The married life is a long ride, so make sure it doesn’t get stale!

Life is a scoreboard. We set goals and then measure our progress against them. While this goal-setting process can be ruthless in the workplace, it’s difficult to make it through life without a couple of big wins. But sometimes going too far in your celebrations can overshadow the accomplishment.

For the past three years, I’ve been on a mission to be debt-free. I started it as a single person and now am working on it with Alison. To her credit, she turned me on to it.

The first time I paid off a credit card in full, I felt good. I mean really good. I wanted to celebrate! This was the first step towards a success on a difficult journey. The problem was I celebrated that success by going out to eat… read “spending money.”

It didn’t set me back very much, but it did set me back. Was that the right way to celebrate becoming debt free? No.

You and your wife will be presented many occasions for celebrating huge accomplishments. Alison will be graduating from Medical School soon. After many, MANY years of schooling, she’ll finally be a Doctor. While I’d love to celebrate this huge accomplishment with a trip to Europe or a nice spending spree, that would get in the way of our journey to no debt. So the trip to Europe will have to wait.

The key to celebration is to do it in moderation. This is especially important if your accomplishment has come at the expense of another, like you winning a promotion over a colleague. In this case, you must be especially gracious in your victory.

If you’re celebrating a new weight loss goal, the appropriate response is not to go eat an ice cream cake.

You didn’t reach this milestone on your own. No matter what we do, we’re often only successful because of the help of others. Be grateful to those who helped get you here and be sure to take time to thank God.

Every good accomplishment deserves to be recognized. Make sure your celebrations are proportionate.

In the past, I’ve written about personal goal setting. What about helping your wife when she’s got a goal set for herself?

I know from experience that when Alison is supportive of my goals, I can usually get them done. The Transition would never have happened if Alison didn’t affirm me and help extensively with the editing. Instead of just having her on the sidelines of my goals, I’ve actively worked to involve her in them.

At the same time, she’s got goals that she wants to hit. In those circumstances, I want to be the support she needs to get to where she wants to go.

Much like you, your wife needs you as an accountability partner. Alison keeps me on task for writing content for the blog, and in that way she holds me accountable. We need to be firm, yet loving, and hold our wives accountable to their goals. That is, of course, only if you have her permission to do so.

Your wife wants your support. We know that goals without support are dreams. They’re never going to happen, and if they do, it takes tremendous work. In the same way that you want her on board and fired up about what you’re doing, be that fire for her.

Supporting her goals has its benefits. Achieving her goals will bring her satisfaction and happiness. A happier wife means that your marriage is going to be that much better. This isn’t all about you, but let’s not pretend like we don’t benefit from her success.

Here’s how you can be the best supporter possible:

• You’re a coach, not a nag. No one likes to be nagged. So be a firm coach who cuts through excuses, but understand that there’s a limit. Don’t cross the line, but don’t let her quit, either.

• Take on some of her chores so she can hit her goal. Time is the biggest component in goal setting. When we set a goal, we take on another task, but usually don’t let go of one. Find ways to adjust your schedule or routine to help her do what she needs to do. For example, I watch Benedict so Alison can go to the gym. It takes a small adjustment in my schedule and gives Alison the freedom that she needs.

• Don’t interfere. Much like Lent, it’s not nice to taunt your wife with something she is intentionally giving up. If your wife is on a diet, you’d better not be eating doughnuts around her. If she’s writing the next great American novel, don’t hog the computer. Be sensitive to her path and steer clear!

Supporting your wife is one of your primary duties as a husband.