Catholic Husband

Life is a scoreboard. We set goals and then measure our progress against them. While this goal-setting process can be ruthless in the workplace, it’s difficult to make it through life without a couple of big wins. But sometimes going too far in your celebrations can overshadow the accomplishment.

For the past three years, I’ve been on a mission to be debt-free. I started it as a single person and now am working on it with Alison. To her credit, she turned me on to it.

The first time I paid off a credit card in full, I felt good. I mean really good. I wanted to celebrate! This was the first step towards a success on a difficult journey. The problem was I celebrated that success by going out to eat… read “spending money.”

It didn’t set me back very much, but it did set me back. Was that the right way to celebrate becoming debt free? No.

You and your wife will be presented many occasions for celebrating huge accomplishments. Alison will be graduating from Medical School soon. After many, MANY years of schooling, she’ll finally be a Doctor. While I’d love to celebrate this huge accomplishment with a trip to Europe or a nice spending spree, that would get in the way of our journey to no debt. So the trip to Europe will have to wait.

The key to celebration is to do it in moderation. This is especially important if your accomplishment has come at the expense of another, like you winning a promotion over a colleague. In this case, you must be especially gracious in your victory.

If you’re celebrating a new weight loss goal, the appropriate response is not to go eat an ice cream cake.

You didn’t reach this milestone on your own. No matter what we do, we’re often only successful because of the help of others. Be grateful to those who helped get you here and be sure to take time to thank God.

Every good accomplishment deserves to be recognized. Make sure your celebrations are proportionate.

In the past, I’ve written about personal goal setting. What about helping your wife when she’s got a goal set for herself?

I know from experience that when Alison is supportive of my goals, I can usually get them done. The Transition would never have happened if Alison didn’t affirm me and help extensively with the editing. Instead of just having her on the sidelines of my goals, I’ve actively worked to involve her in them.

At the same time, she’s got goals that she wants to hit. In those circumstances, I want to be the support she needs to get to where she wants to go.

Much like you, your wife needs you as an accountability partner. Alison keeps me on task for writing content for the blog, and in that way she holds me accountable. We need to be firm, yet loving, and hold our wives accountable to their goals. That is, of course, only if you have her permission to do so.

Your wife wants your support. We know that goals without support are dreams. They’re never going to happen, and if they do, it takes tremendous work. In the same way that you want her on board and fired up about what you’re doing, be that fire for her.

Supporting her goals has its benefits. Achieving her goals will bring her satisfaction and happiness. A happier wife means that your marriage is going to be that much better. This isn’t all about you, but let’s not pretend like we don’t benefit from her success.

Here’s how you can be the best supporter possible:

• You’re a coach, not a nag. No one likes to be nagged. So be a firm coach who cuts through excuses, but understand that there’s a limit. Don’t cross the line, but don’t let her quit, either.

• Take on some of her chores so she can hit her goal. Time is the biggest component in goal setting. When we set a goal, we take on another task, but usually don’t let go of one. Find ways to adjust your schedule or routine to help her do what she needs to do. For example, I watch Benedict so Alison can go to the gym. It takes a small adjustment in my schedule and gives Alison the freedom that she needs.

• Don’t interfere. Much like Lent, it’s not nice to taunt your wife with something she is intentionally giving up. If your wife is on a diet, you’d better not be eating doughnuts around her. If she’s writing the next great American novel, don’t hog the computer. Be sensitive to her path and steer clear!

Supporting your wife is one of your primary duties as a husband.

Conflict in your marriage is a certainty. You and your wife are working towards the same goals, but you may each have a different way to get there. There will be a lot of times when you’re in the wrong, but there will also be times when you’re right, but end up losing the fight anyway.

There have been several conflicts with Alison in which I felt like I was the person who was wronged. I try not to assign blame because I think it’s a waste of time and energy. Yet, even though I may have been right in the first place, I totally screwed up how I handled the situation and then I was really wrong. It really confused me as to how I could be right and wrong at the same time. I finally figured it out. It was how I managed our relationship that was taking me down the wrong path.

Conflict never feels good, but it can be more bearable if you’re not wrong. So, if you find yourself being right, here’s why you may end up feeling like the loser.

• You overreacted. People know when they’re wrong. They don’t like it when you turn it on them. Your wife probably didn’t mean to injure you, so don’t bring drama into the situation. Be calm, cool, and rational. This might require that you take a few steps back and get some perspective. If you overreact, you will hurt your wife’s feelings.

• You handled the postmortem wrong. Each conflict has a postmortem period where you reconcile and move on. If you go into it with arrogance or an “I told you so” attitude, then you will certainly be the loser. Show grace.

• You didn’t communicate clearly. I’ve found that most of Alison and I’s conflicts could be avoided if we would’ve communicated more clearly in the beginning. If you’ll take the time on projects and big decisions to clearly spell out what actions you’re taking and what you’re asking of your wife, then you might just save yourself a fight.

• You didn’t get all of the facts. We live in a busy world and ask our brains to hold a lot of information. We try to cut corners in conflict by making assumptions. But if you don’t have all of the facts, how can you make good decisions? When you assume incorrectly (which is often), you’ll hurt your wife’s feelings.

We don’t like conflict and we really don’t like losing. By handling the relationship side of a conflict better, we can work through our issues and end up with a stronger marriage on the other side.

We live in a culture that despises conflict, but loves drama. We think that conflict means that someone is right and someone is wrong. That’s wrong.

Alison and I found out early in our marriage that we are terrible at fighting. My tactic in life, not just in marriage, is to only take up the fights that I think are worth it. If I don’t think I can make a change, then I don’t bother. The problem with that is that it builds up pressure that eventually has to be released. When we sit down and talk through the conflict, we’re much more successful in getting through it.

Conflict in your marriage is actually a great tool to refine and strengthen your relationship.

• Conflict highlights areas of disunity. Unity in marriage is vitally important, and disunity will destroy you faster than anything. The trick to getting rid of disunity is to both know what it is and then do something about it. Conflict gives you a chance to figure out why you aren’t united and to fix it.

• Conflict gives helpful feedback about perceptions. We have perceptions about all sorts of things. Sometimes we don’t know how our wife perceives us. I may think that Alison views me as an outstanding husband, but in a fight if she gives me a litany of the things I’ve done wrong in our relationship, I can finally face the truth and correct. It’s helpful feedback, not positive feedback.

• Conflict between mature adults leads to positive outcomes. A fight in high school between best friends could lead to extreme negative outcomes. As two mature adults, you can sit down and work through an issue without worrying about revenge. This conflict isn’t about her or me, it’s about us. This is how we can make us better.

Avoiding conflict in your marriage is a bad idea. Pent up anger leads to resentment and resentment is a wedge that can drive you both apart. Carrying around all of that resentment is too much of a burden. You need each other! So fight with your wife and work it out!