Catholic Husband

Your marriage was meant for good.

Your marriage was meant for permanence.

Your marriage was meant for generosity.

Your marriage was meant for exclusive, powerful, life-giving love.

Accept no substitutes.

Prayer in common is a tradition in Catholicism that goes back to our beginnings. Catholics, though we weren’t called that yet, would gather in each other’s home to pray and break bread. Today we have a more formalized liturgy that is the Mass. We gather together in God’s house to pray as a community. We know that wherever two or more are gathered, God is in our presence. Praying with your wife is an essential practice in your marriage.

Although prayer together is a priority in our lives, Alison and I have struggled to find the right time since the arrival of Benedict. When we were dating long distance, we’d end each evening with a phone call during which we’d pray Night Prayer from the Divine Office. For almost the first year of our marriage, we’d take time to pray before going to bed. We’d try to keep the prayer time fresh with different forms.

Praying with your wife is a fantastic idea. There’s no “right” way to pray, each person and couple has their own spiritualities. Your prayers encompass all of the needs, wants, and desires in your life. You pray in Adoration of God’s greatness, in thanksgiving for graces and blessings, in petition for your needs and in intercession for the needs of others.

The timing really depends on you as a couple. You could pray first thing in the morning when you wake up if you both wake up at the same time. You could schedule a weekly “sacred space” on your calendar and spend that time in prayer, or you could pray in bed as you’re drifting off to sleep.

Praying with your wife is important for a number of reasons.

• It is spiritual and emotional bonding time. We’ve talked many times about the bonding that your marriage as a human relationship requires. Each component of your human persons needs to have a chance to bond. So, you need to bond emotionally, mentally, and physically. You also need to bond spiritually. When you pray together, you fulfill two types of key bonding.

• You share petitions. One of the best ways to find out what’s going on in someone’s life is to listen to their petitions. You cut through all of the smoke, mirrors, and facades and find out exactly what’s going on in their hearts. Praying together not only lets you find out your wife’s petitions, it allows you to strengthen them by interceding for her. Boom.

• You approach God as one. Though it can be hard for us to perceive in our daily, physical world, we are one with our wives. At our Nuptial Mass, we freely bound ourselves to each other. When we pray together, we approach the Throne of God as one, truly united as we are. It makes our experience of prayer that much stronger.

Like anything worth doing, finding time to pray together is going to be difficult. Yet, the rewards are worthwhile.

Communication. We all want lots of high quality communication, but it can be difficult to find. In a marriage, communication is essential.

While I’ve had quite a bit of experience in the business world meeting with and communicating with a wide variety of people, I’ve found that communicating with Alison requires more focus and attention to detail. It has nothing to do with Alison or anything that she does. Rather, it has more to do with the depth of our relationship.

In a business transaction, the communication is very linear. A business has a need, and I have a product that meets that need. Our communication is straightforward: can I deliver in a timeframe that’s agreeable and will they be able to pay.

In my marriage, the communication is dynamic. We communicate about basic, business-like transactions. But we also communicate hopes, fears, and dreams. Sometimes, our dreams or fears can be competing. That’s when we really have to dig in and figure everything out.

The first step to communicating better with your wife is to recognize the depth that is required in your relationship. This is unlike any other relationship you’ve had, so that means that you’ll want to go about things differently. The best thing you can do is to be flexible in your own communication style.

Find out from her how she likes to communicate, especially about difficult subjects. Is there a place or atmosphere that helps her to better work through a situation? Understanding her particular preferences can go a long way. Being flexible in your own style will help as well. I prefer to lay all of my cards out on the table, but Alison prefers to work through each issue individually. So while I’d prefer instant resolution, I understand that I need to slow things down, especially on a complex issues.

If you have questions about her style, then ask! Get as much clarity as you can because it will pay off big time.

Communication is the crux of your marriage. Do it poorly and you’ll have a rocky road, do it well, and there’s nothing that you can’t do together.

Finances are central to our lives. Money is how we buy the things we need, and do the things we love. Having money can be a great thing, but it can also be a tremendous burden. If you don’t take the time to decide what you’re going to do, you’ll soon find you don’t have any. In your marriage, working with your wife to determine how you’ll spend your money is one of the most important things you can do together.

When we were dating, Alison introduced me to Dave Ramsey. Dave is a biblical financial counselor who is fairly well known in the financial world as a relentless advocate for living a debt-free life. Dave’s main point is this: if you take the time to plan for your money, you’re going to be set up for a great life.

Starting with the first day of our marriage, Alison and I have always worked together on our finances and it has made our marriage better for it.

The number one cause of divorce in our country is money problems. That makes this subject a top priority. Dave presents the concept of a “Budget Committee” as a way of coordinating the allocation of resources. The Budget Committee is simply you and your wife. You sit down at least once a month and decide what bills and purchases will be funded that month. You and your wife both have 1 vote and you each have veto power. If you both don’t agree on something, then nothing gets done on that subject right now.

Here’s what I like about the Budget Committee:

• It promotes transparency. There are many aspects in a marriage that an abusive spouse can take and turn into a weapon. Money is a big one. By meeting regularly as a Budget Committee, both spouses know where the money is, where it came from, and where it’s going.

• It keeps you both in control. Too many spouses hide money problems from each other. Not only is this dishonest, hiding a financial burden can be overwhelmingly stressful. By working together, you can both see where the problem areas are, develop a plan to fix it, and then execute.

• It forces you to be a mature adult. Money is finite, so you can only do so much with it. By putting together a monthly financial plan, you have the “need versus want” discussion and spend your money on the right things.

Setting up the Budget Committee can be challenging if both spouses don’t buy in to the concept, but it has the potential to take your marriage from good to great.

Think for a moment about the early days of dating. A new relationship is fresh, vibrant, and exciting. Your heart races as you receive a new text message.

Dating has a lot of fun physiological responses. Euphoria, a racing heart, sweating palms. It’s fun to just think about it!

Marriage is quite different. You don’t experience those same responses as frequently, so you start to wonder if you’re no longer in love. Marriage is a marathon, while dating is a sprint. They’re different.

But just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t live like you’re dating.

Marriage’s permanence removes lots of uncertainty about the future. You don’t have to worry about breaking up or hiding who you really are. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t bring an air of excitement to your daly life.

Here are a few ideas for how you can put the fun in fundamental marriage.

• Date nights. If you’re not still going out on dates with your wife, you’re doing it wrong. There are exceptions to every rule, but you need to be still having experiences and rediscovering each other on a regular basis. You are two people who are changing daily. By setting aside alone time, you can get to know each other better on a regular basis.

• Surprises. Who doesn’t like surprises? I wrote about this recently in my article called “Little Surprises.” Basically, you can add excitement into your wife’s life by surprising her with small tokens or mementos.

• New experiences. You and your wife should try something you’ve never tried before. Even if you think you may not like it, give it a go! If nothing else, you might have something funny to look back on.

The married life is a long ride, so make sure it doesn’t get stale!