Inside Jokes
We all love to be a part of inside jokes. These jokes come about when we have a shared experience with someone else. The joy of an event lives on when similar circumstances reappear in your life. After all, life is more fun when you’re enjoying it.
Finding inside jokes with your spouse can be especially beneficial. Alison and I recently received a gift card to a local ice cream shop for Christmas. They had just opened up a new location near our house, so we ventured out to get a sweet treat on a dark winter’s night. After they served us, I presented the gift card for payment, but their system wasn’t ready to accept it. So, they gave us the ice cream free of charge.
It would have been just another story, had it not happened repeatedly. In total, before all was said and done, we went to the store four times without paying for our ice cream. It remains hilarious to us to this day.
Inside jokes represent a deep level of human connection. Sharing a laugh is one of the most powerful forms of bonding communication in the known universe. Inside jokes keep relationships playful and they keep us rooted in the past. They can help us to remember the good times when we’re going through a rough patch.
The key to an inside joke is to look for opportunities to find a new one.
Keeping it Clean
Secrecy is the enemy of love. Secrecy drives us to lie, obscure facts, and not be true to ourselves. In fact, it’s one of the greatest tools of the Devil. I’ve been really encouraged lately with the outpouring of publications and discourse on the true nature of pornography in our culture. Pornography feeds on secrecy. It’s a private act that has very public effects. The fact that we’re able to start bringing it to the light is extremely encouraging. While my intention today isn’t to discuss pornography, I do want to tackle the issues that can easily lead to it.
As a man, I have an idea of the type of man that I want to be. I know what kind of husband that I want to be to Alison and I know the steps that I need to take in order to get there. Admittedly, I do a poor job reaching the standards that I set for myself. Sure, on paper it looks easy, but when baby Benedict is insisting that we hold him at 1:30 in the morning, too many times I’ve let Alison take the lead on that one.
A major barrier to me becoming the husband that I want to be is integration. Our culture pushes us into living segmented lives. We’re one person at work, a different person at home, and still another when out with our friends. You can really tell just how segmented you are when you notice how differently you respond to situations in each of these environments. It’s not healthily and it’s really quite tiring. We need to be the integrated men that Atticus Finch models to his children in “To Kill A Mockingbird."
Sin is terribly destructive. There’s no private sin. There is no victimless sin. That’s because sin attacks who we are and our capacity for love. Sin makes us self-centered. So, when I sin, I hurt Alison because I’ve allowed evil to take a little more hold in my life.
Pope Benedict, in his fantastic 2nd Volume of “Jesus of Nazareth,” discusses sin as allowing evil to have power over us. He more specifically lays out this principle in discussing the betrayal of Judas. Bishop Paul Loverade, the Bishop of Arlington, VA, in his pastoral letter “Bought with a Price” talks about how each moral decision either brings us closer to integrity or closer to moral corruption.
Sin is like a chain. On the far right, the first link, is the venial sin. The more you sin, the more severe the sins become. You reach the last link when you commit a mortal sin. Flirting with a coworker might be the first link in the chain: wrong, but venial. As time goes on, and the flirting leads to more, without direct intervention, the chain ends in marital infidelity.
The thing about a chain though, is that it can be broken at any time. We know sin escalates. We know that we should avoid sin. But how?
Stop a mortal sin before it starts.
Sounds simple enough, yet practicing Catholics commit mortal sins every day.
In order to become the men we want to be, we’ve got to break the chain at the first possible point. The way we can do that is by cleaning up our lives. The movies we watch, the music we listen to, the books we read, and the conversations we partake in all have a direct effect on us. Again, as Bishop Loverade says, each choice is getting us closer to Heaven or closer to Hell.
By taking a look at the man we want to be (St. Joseph would be a great example), we can figure out what changes need to be made. It’s going to be hard, believe me. When I did this exercise, I determined that I should stop watching “Family Guy.” There are some parts of “Family Guy” that really disgust me, but by and large, I find the satire to be hilarious. Yet, I know that it’s pushing me in the opposite direction that I want to be going. When I want to watch the show, I ask this simple question, “Would I rather be the husband to Alison that she deserves or watch ‘Family Guy'?”
If you’ve fallen into mortal sin, remember the words of Jesus: “Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I did not come to call the righteous but sinners.” (Mk 2:14)
Be Persistent
Persistence is a virtue that is lost among many today. We see something we want, we try to get it, and when we fail on our first attempt, we walk away. This attitude towards life is wholly inconsistent with the kind of virtues we need in the married life.
In January 2011, six months after graduating from college, I weighed 197 lbs. Being 5’9”, that was way too much. I knew that I had an issue and I knew that getting back to a healthy weight would be difficult and would require persistence. So, I started weighing myself daily. Then I started exercising daily. Now, I keep a diligent food diary. Two years after that fateful January morning, I’m happy to report that I was down to 165 lbs.
It wasn’t easy. There were days (weeks, months) when I was gaining weight. I’d drop to 180 lbs, and then a few days later be back to 185 lbs. But I kept fighting and I kept pushing. I made better choices. Persistence allowed me to do something more. Not only did I lose the weight, I learned more about my body. I found out which foods made me feel better and how subtlety my body changes from day to day. I still have a few more pounds to go to my goal, but I know that I’ll make it.
In the United States, in all 50 states, you can get a no-fault divorce. It used to be that the law required more than mere inconvenience to substantiate a divorce. The legal system would make multiple attempts to resolve the differences between spouses before granting a divorce decree. Those safeguards are now gone. We even seem to encourage spouses to quit when the going gets tough.
In the spiritual life, we can be incredibly persistent. In fact, we’re encouraged to be. If your wife is sick, you don’t just throw out a Hail Mary and move on. You pray a rosary. You pray multiple rosaries. You pray until she’s better. That’s persistence. We need that.
Time and time again in the Bible, the virtue of persistence is lifted up as something that is good. It’s not nagging, it’s placing our trust in God and reminding ourselves constantly that we are. We know in our own lived experience that persistence pays off. When we work hard on the job over time, we are rewarded. When we work on a personal goal, though it may be difficult, it pays off.
When we’re persistent, we accomplish things. When we’re persistent at work, we are given more responsibility. When we’re persistent in prayer, we come to better know the heart of God. When we’re persistent in our marriages, we become better husbands. When we persist in our goals, we reach them.
Persistence requires overcoming resistance. In those moments of challenge, it becomes more about the destination than the journey. We can persist in any challenge when the goal is worthy.
Be Generous
We tend to think of generosity as costing us something.
Generosity fills us more deeply than anything else can. It brings a level of fulfillment and completeness that no selfish act could ever hope to achieve. It’s in generosity that we find completeness as human persons.
So be generous with your time.
Be generous with your talents.
Be generous with your resources.
Be generous with your wife.
Be Adventurous
Marriage isn’t the end. It’s the beginning.
Marriage isn’t “turning in the keys.” It’s putting the keys into the ignition.
Be bold.
Be bold in your dreams.
Be bold in your work.
Be bold in your prayer.
Be bold in your marriage.
Live your adventure.
Witnessing for Marriage
Every day, everywhere that we go, we have the opportunity to show those around us what it means to be married. By our words and our deeds we implicitly share our experience of marriage with the world. What that means is that we have the opportunity to show how wonderful it is, or to witness poorly to it.
I consider myself to be an extremely professional worker. I stay well within the traditional rules of decorum in the office and in business transactions. I have a great deal of professional pride in how I conduct my business.
A few days before Lent, there was some discussion amongst three self-identified “non-Church going” Catholics. They talked about how hard it is to be Catholic and why they stopped, “Going to Church and listening to the Pope.” As someone who clearly is very serious about my faith life, I was extremely frustrated by the scandal that these individuals were giving to the non-Catholics in our office. Not to mention my personal belief that you’re either Catholic and living in the community, or you’re not and you should stop self-identifying as Catholic.
In the moment, I knew there was no way I was going to be able to be pastoral. I knew that even if I did speak up, I would have no chance of changing anyone’s perceptions. I said nothing. I failed.
Upon reflection, I see real parallels between that scandalous discussion about being Catholic and the regular scandalous discussion about being married.
It’s true that marriage rates are declining and that there seems to be fewer high-quality marriages in our society. But that perception may not be true at all. We might not have fewer high-quality marriages, just fewer people willing to openly witness to the beauty of the married life.
How can we help to make sure that we aren’t giving scandal to the vocation of marriage?
• If our marriage reflects Christ’s love for the Church, be a good mirror. The mystique of marriage is disguised in the ordinary. Though our days are full of seemingly mundane domestic tasks, the undercurrents of love and self-sacrifice perfectly mirror the intense and deep love Christ has for the Church. A simple daily reminder to ourselves of our high station and duty can help us make the attitude alignment we need.
• Fight the battles where we find them. Thankfully, we’re not called to take on every threat to marriage at all times. That would be tiring! In fact, there’s little need to seek out challenges to the married life. If we commit to fighting them when they come to us, we can make a huge difference. So when that conversation comes up at a barbecue this summer, or around the lunch room that reflects a poor understanding of marriage, speak up. There’s no need to be hostile or correct other people. Share your experience of the majestic.
• We can change the culture. If you’ve ever worked at a big company with a big culture problem, you know how hard it is to get everyone to shift to a new way of thinking and acting. A better approach is to start with you. Find the things that you would like to see changed, and make the changes in your own life. Then, watch them filter to those around you and beyond. We can do the same thing with marriage. By living the marriage we want to have, we can slowly (but surely!) get society back to its roots
Change is a tall order. The status quo just really isn’t for us. Fight the battles were you find them, love your wife well, and show the world the depth of Christ’s love.
What this Ring Means
Your wedding ring is a constant reminder of your wife’s love and fidelity. It’s a circle, without beginning or end. It’s perpetual.
Your wedding ring was freely given. It shows the world that you’re set apart. You’re reserved.
Your wedding ring is made of a strong metal. It represents an indissoluble bond.
Your wedding ring is a permanent fixture on your hand, just as your marital bond is permanent.
We’re called to the vocation of marriage. We’re called to the freedom that only marriage can give.
Our ring is a small symbol of a supernatural reality.
Prayer Corner
We all have a way of giving physical spaces certain designations. The gym is the place where we work out. The library is where we read. The Parish is where we pray. While certainly those activities are all appropriate for those locations, we should still try to get a broader view of them. We can work out in our neighborhood, we can read at home, we can pray where we are.
While it isn’t strictly necessary to reserve a certain activity for a certain location, it can have clear benefits.
A few years ago, our Parish was replacing the confessional chairs. The chairs that they had were designed to go in a corner, were very ornate, and well crafted. They were, however, uncomfortable for our priests who had to sit in them for long periods of time.
They had four chairs. My mom bought two of them, my sister bought one, and I bought one. My sister is going to use it in the future for the “trouble chair” for her kids. I have mine in my bedroom as my prayer corner.
A few months ago, I setup a nice prayer corner in my room. It’s set apart, and I know that whenever I go there, I need to get into a prayerful mindset. The physical space, though small, conveys a sense of prayerfulness, a sense of the presence of God.
There are certain elements that give our mind cues as to the types of activities it should prepare for. The costume of workout clothes can help you better focus on your exercise and the pre-bed routine can start your brain getting ready for bed. In the same way, a prayer corner can get you to mentally prepare for prayer.
By setting aside a separate, holy space solely for prayer, you can have a higher quality daily prayer experience.
• A prayer corner can set your mental frame of mind. If the only thing you do in your prayer corner is pray, your mind will eventually get the message. Over time, you’ll find yourself getting more and more quality prayer time because your mind will turn off non-prayer thoughts in that space.
• Allows for easier storage of prayer material. There are a lot of chotskies in the Catholic faith. The problem is that they end up everywhere and must be disposed of in a specific manner. By setting up a prayer corner, you can have a place to store all of your prayer material. Your Bible, a rosary, and whatever else you use to pray is in one convenient, out of the way place.
• It creates a great place of silence. We all know that we live in a loud, busy world and that we should spend more time in silence. It can be difficult to fit that quiet time into our schedule, so we usually fall short. By creating a prayer corner with strict no-technology rules, you can better achieve this goal.
A prayer corner doesn’t have to be much. A chair, an end table and a lamp is really all it takes. Consider setting up a prayer corner in your home where you and your wife can get away from the world and rest awhile.
Having Serious Talks
Daily married life is often light and playful. There are jokes, stories, and general bonding. There will be also times in your marriage when you’ll need to have a serious conversation with your wife. It’s important that the weight of these conversations are well known while you’re having them.
It can be hard for Alison and I to keep a straight face during any serious conversation. We’re typically joking around and laughing, so transitioning to a serious setting can be a challenge. Early in our marriage, I didn’t know how to make that transition, so naturally I did it poorly. As time has gone on, I’ve gotten more skilled by using a few techniques.
Starting the conversation can prove to be the most difficult. If you’re initiating the talk, decide how to best broach the subject. If it’s a particularly unpleasant subject, getting started on the right foot is really important. This is going to be a conversation, but it’s different from your normal communication. You’re seeking some end, some result that you feel is necessary. It might be best to use the “sandwich” method. Start with something positive, meet the challenge head-on, and then finish with something positive.
The location of a conversation communicates a lot about its content. If you try to talk about a serious matter in the middle of a busy restaurant, you’re putting yourself and your wife at a disadvantage. This topic deserves your full attention and those 90 HDTVs aren’t helping. Choose someplace private, quiet, and where you can both be sitting. As humans, we communicate more nonverbally than verbally. The location can help add to the quality of conversation.
Be clear about the resolution you seek. The conversation will end, and when you get to that point, what would you like to have accomplished? Some subjects will require multiple discussions. That’s fine, but make sure that both you and your wife understand where you need to end today. Otherwise you might both leave the discussion disappointed or angry.
All marriages have difficult and serious talks that need to be had. When you get to one, give it the time, attention, and maturity that it deserves.
Retreats
In the Catholic Church, we spend a considerable amount of time educating our youth about the Faith. It’s almost a universal that youth ministry programs have, as their annual cornerstone, some type of a retreat. Retreats are a time for us to get away from our daily lives and focus solely on our relationship with God.
I attended Catholic High School, and retreats were an integral part of the annual curriculum. As I entered into my Senior Year, I was even a part of the retreat leadership team. The great thing about the retreat program was that it provided a quality retreat experience annually. I didn’t have to do any searching or planning, it was set. Since graduating High School, I haven’t been on a structured retreat. It’s much harder as an adult to find quality time to dedicate to worthy retreats.
Although it can be difficult to find a retreat to go on, we should try our best to seek them out; they’re an excellent tool in our spiritual life.
• Retreats offer a chance for reflection. We’re busy men with many obligations. It can be tiring and overwhelming to go, go, go. A significant problem with always going and never reflecting is that we can easily slip out of good habits and into bad ones. Our daily prayer life might slowly fade away and we may not even notice it. Retreats give us the chance to reset our spiritual priorities.
• Retreats can help you be a better person. A tall order, but entirely possible. There is something amazing about a retreat experience when you get back in touch, in a very real way, with God and your relationship grows stronger. You may have even heard of “coming off the mountain” as being a common post-retreat problem. It’s an experience where you have a real encounter with God and then have to go back into the harsh world that we live in. When the Apostles were up with Jesus on the mountain during the Transfiguration, they wanted to stay. They wanted to live in that constant grace. But we’re not called to live on the retreat mountain, we’re called to live in the world. It’s those “mountain top” experiences that give us the energy and inspiration to live our lives well.
• Retreats give you specific and powerful prayer time. It’s easy for your daily prayer to not be a priority. It’s a part of your day, sure, but it takes up so little time that we don’t really give it time to work. Retreats are 100% prayer time. Like anything when you give it your full focus, amazing things can happen.
We change the oil in our cars regularly and we go to the doctor for our annual physical, but we don’t give our souls the tune-ups that they need. Our souls need this time. So find a men’s retreat, schedule your own, or stay tuned to Catholic Husband and take advantage of some of the projects that we’ll be releasing over the rest of this year to keep your soul running in good condition!