First Words
There’s a curious phenomena in driving that involves your eyes. When you look in a direction other than straight ahead, you will start to drift in that direction. So, if you look for too long at the side of the road, you’ll soon find yourself there. This occurrence is intriguing because the same thing happens with your thoughts. If you think about things that are good, just, holy, and worthy, you’ll find that your days seem to go a little bit better. If you think about things that are near occasions of sin, you’ll find it’s really quite easy to fall into that sin.
Office morale is a major driving force in job satisfaction. Like all workers, I’ve found myself in environments when morale was high and I’ve also experienced the desolation of a low office morale. In the cases when morale was low, I redoubled my efforts to stay positive on the things I could control. What I found is that I was still able to be successful in spite of the negativity around me. During the times that I participated in the low morale, I too slipped into the darkness.
The first moments of the day can really shape the outcome of the next 12 to 16 hours. So if your alarm goes off and you experience nothing but dread, you’re not setting yourself up for success today. Attitude is everything and if you loathe your alarm clock and waking up, your day is really off to a bad start, too.
One of the spiritual habits that I’m hoping to adopt in the next few weeks is giving my first words to God. In those minutes after turning off my alarm clock and slowly waking up, I want to turn that into a prayer. I’m not very good at starting my day immediately with prayer, but I’d like to get better.
The reason that I want to adopt this practice is two-fold. First, each day is a gift and I’m terrible about taking that for granted. Second, I want to start the day by denying my pride. I only exist because God has chosen to hold me in being. I need as much of His help as I can get!
I plan to start with a simple greeting and then perhaps pray a Morning Offering. Of course, I’ll need to memorize the words first, but I’ve always liked how beautiful the words of the prayer are.
Starting our day by giving it first to God is a brilliant idea.
Subject Matter Authority
Last month I achieved a major milestone for both myself personally and for Catholic Husband. I released my first book, The Transition. I was both overwhelmed and touched with the response! One of the commenters, a veteran of the married life, commented on his first experiences of reading Catholic Husband. He remarked that initially he wondered what he could learn from me, a kid new to the game. It wasn’t meant in a disparaging way, he was just stating a fact. A fact that I fully agree with.
I’ve been married for just a year and a half now. I know very little about what it means to live an authentic Catholic marriage. I know very little about the struggles and joys that await Alison and I as we spend our lives together. I know very little about working through some very complex marital problems that all married couples face.
When I first considered launching Catholic Husband, my lack of experience was a major barrier that I had to overcome. How could I justify adding value to the lives of men who’ve been married 5, 10 or even 20 years?
In that potential weakness, I found strength. I found my focus.
Catholic Husband isn’t meant to be a textbook. It isn’t designed as a self-help book. It wasn’t conceived as a solution to your problems.
Catholic Husband was created to be a discussion. It was created to share my daily lived experience and how we can learn from it. It was designed to encourage. I hope that my experiences and my shortcomings inspire you. I hope they inspire you to keep on sharing the good news of the married life. I hope they inspire you to love your life better than you did yesterday. I hope they inspire you to keep growing in your faith.
So where does my subject matter expertise come from? My experience.
There are no “marriage experts.” There are those who have done a good job in the married life sharing their strategies to success. I don’t pretend to be at that level. But I do believe that we need to be talking about the great life that is the married life. I believe we need to counter the misconceptions about marriage. I believe we need to promote healthy, stable, faithful marriages.
Catholic Husband is designed to do just that.
Why I Don’t Buy Generic Oreos
You can often tell how good something is simple by considering whether or not you would buy a cheaper generic version. Grocery stores all across the nation have entire product lines of generic products. You can buy generic Coke (why bother?), generic dish soap, generic trash bags, and yes, even generic Oreos.
I don’t ever buy generic Oreos.
The problem isn’t the price, it’s the quality. The generic “oreo" could never possibly compare to the taste of the original chocolate cookie and how could they possibly ever hope to match the creamy goodness of that frosting center? Oh, they try, but there’s no way to cheaply replicate the essence of what Oreos are.
The gift of our human sexuality is the exact same way.
I chose to preserve the gift of my human sexuality for my wife, who turned out to be Alison. Making the choice once is the easy part, it’s the daily management of the decision that can present the problem. I dated a few people before meeting Alison, so I was able to experience a spectrum of relationships.
During my high school days and my first year of college I watched (not literally) peers and classmates experiment sexually. It would vary from a one time occurrence to a regular activity. I noticed time and again that they were never satisfied. Something seemed to be missing. Not to mention the complete devastation when their partner moved on.
You just can’t be an observer today, though. My most vivid illustration of this reality happened during my senior year of high school. I was walking down the hall between classes and a classmate, whom I had never spoken a word to in my life, asked about my relationship. After gauging how the relationship was going, he asked quite plainly, “So are you banging her?” Classy.
So what’s the big deal with pre-marital and extramarital sexual encounters? Our culture seems to think it’s fine. People seem to enjoy these temporary relationships. A recent episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine had the charming line “The best way to forget your ex is meaningless sex.”
Here’s the big deal. Sexual encounters outside of the marital bond are the generic Oreos. They’re cheap. They’re fake. They’re made with inferior ingredients. Sure, they have the outward appearance of Oreos. But they’re pretending to be something that they’re not. They’re rooted in imitation.
Our human sexuality is a very powerful and very personal gift. It’s integrated into our whole persons, especially into our psychology. The essence of our sexuality is bonding. Through total sacrifice and gift of self, sex is designed to permanently bind two people together in life giving love. So when we color outside the lines and share this deeply personal gift, we break off a piece of ourselves that we can’t get back.
Every time someone has sex outside of marriage, they give something away. When they finally do settle down with their spouse, they’re not whole. They’re broken and there’s no way to permanently fix it. We can heal and we can be forgiven, but the scar tissue remains. The past cannot be erased.
There are smaller ways that we give away our love to people who are not our spouse that doesn’t have to rise to the level of sexual relations outside of marriage Lustful thoughts, flirtatious relationships, all of these “innocent” acts damage our marital bonds. Thankfully we have the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Through the Sacrament, our sins our forgiven, we’re strengthened to do better, and our marital relationship is healed.
Many people today believe that the Church’s teachings on human sexuality are dated. Since the sexual revolution, we have experienced a radical change in societal sexual norms. There has always been pornography, pre-marital sex, extramarital affairs and sex-trafficking, but not nearly to the level of pervasiveness that we’re experiencing today. Anyone with access to the internet is .0004 seconds away from 1.6M+ Google results for pornography. The war on human traffickers is fought daily, but is lost because we still supply a demand. Birth rates outside of marriage are astronomically high. Marriage rates are dismal and divorce rates, ouch.
The results are in. The Church was right. The use of sexuality outside of marriage is an epic fail.
Pre-marital and extramarital sex are cheap imitations that can never hope to compare with the mind-blowing, Christ-reflecting, life-giving, complete surrender of marital sex. It’s only within the context of marriage that our sexuality can truly be freed to be all that it was created to be. Set yourself aside for the best. Don’t buy generic Oreos.
Rest on the Sabbath
Every year, it seems to go the exact same way. Just a few days before Ash Wednesday and I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do for Lent. I know that Lent is coming, I know that I need to take time to consider what changes to make in my life, and I still don’t give it the time it deserves. This year, I went with something really special.
I once heard a priest describe Lent as a beginning of a life change as opposed to 40 days without something. He suggested that we decide our Lenten sacrifices based on things that we wanted to change in our lives. So instead of giving up sweets, we would work on something enduring, something life-changing.
This year, I really tried to embrace that idea by giving up working on Sundays. My goal is to embrace the call to Honor the Sabbath.
For the past four years I’ve been working for the Boy Scouts of America. At the end of this month, I’ll be leaving the BSA to work on ChetComm, LLC (the media and publishing firm that’s behind Catholic Husband) and be full time caregiver to Benedict as Alison goes to work with her healing hands. Working for the Scouts is a pretty good job with flexible hours. So my schedule looked like this: Monday through Friday I blog in the early morning before work. Then for the rest of the day I go to work. I spend Saturday and Sunday working on cleaning and ChetComm business. There’s a fair amount of work to be done for ChetComm each week. I have blog post goals, book writing goals, social media planning, new product development, and strategic planning. All told, it’s several hours of intense work.
Before this Lent, it wasn’t too much of an issue since I had 48 hours each weekend to work on it. When I decided to give Sunday it’s proper place, I saw that time shrink. Incredibly, it’s been a great change! I’ve been able to more guiltlessly spend time with Alison and Benedict, I’ve been able to actually relax, and it’s given us the flexibility to go on weekend trips. I’ve noticed many other benefits.
• I’m more productive. When your available time window shrinks, you gain the ability to better focus. With just Saturday to work on cleaning and ChetComm, I’m more resilient to laziness.
• I’m less anxious. Sunday can be a double edge sword. It’s nice to have a slow day once a week, but it’s also dangerously close to Monday. That means that the dread of the week ahead and creep into your serenity. I’ve found that when Sunday is a designated family day, I’m less anxious about everything. The day ticking away doesn’t bother me. The unpleasant things that I have to do in the week ahead don’t bother me. I’m just totally present.
• I’m more relaxed. It’s almost as if God had a bigger purpose when He asked us to rest on Sundays. I’ve found that I’m more relaxed during the whole week. I know that if I keep working and pushing for a few more days, I’ll have the down time I need on Sunday. That’s a beautiful thing.
We’re called to not work on Sundays, yet it’s something that we haven’t put much of a priority on. Maybe it’s time we go back to basics.
Inside Jokes
We all love to be a part of inside jokes. These jokes come about when we have a shared experience with someone else. The joy of an event lives on when similar circumstances reappear in your life. After all, life is more fun when you’re enjoying it.
Finding inside jokes with your spouse can be especially beneficial. Alison and I recently received a gift card to a local ice cream shop for Christmas. They had just opened up a new location near our house, so we ventured out to get a sweet treat on a dark winter’s night. After they served us, I presented the gift card for payment, but their system wasn’t ready to accept it. So, they gave us the ice cream free of charge.
It would have been just another story, had it not happened repeatedly. In total, before all was said and done, we went to the store four times without paying for our ice cream. It remains hilarious to us to this day.
Inside jokes represent a deep level of human connection. Sharing a laugh is one of the most powerful forms of bonding communication in the known universe. Inside jokes keep relationships playful and they keep us rooted in the past. They can help us to remember the good times when we’re going through a rough patch.
The key to an inside joke is to look for opportunities to find a new one.
Keeping it Clean
Secrecy is the enemy of love. Secrecy drives us to lie, obscure facts, and not be true to ourselves. In fact, it’s one of the greatest tools of the Devil. I’ve been really encouraged lately with the outpouring of publications and discourse on the true nature of pornography in our culture. Pornography feeds on secrecy. It’s a private act that has very public effects. The fact that we’re able to start bringing it to the light is extremely encouraging. While my intention today isn’t to discuss pornography, I do want to tackle the issues that can easily lead to it.
As a man, I have an idea of the type of man that I want to be. I know what kind of husband that I want to be to Alison and I know the steps that I need to take in order to get there. Admittedly, I do a poor job reaching the standards that I set for myself. Sure, on paper it looks easy, but when baby Benedict is insisting that we hold him at 1:30 in the morning, too many times I’ve let Alison take the lead on that one.
A major barrier to me becoming the husband that I want to be is integration. Our culture pushes us into living segmented lives. We’re one person at work, a different person at home, and still another when out with our friends. You can really tell just how segmented you are when you notice how differently you respond to situations in each of these environments. It’s not healthily and it’s really quite tiring. We need to be the integrated men that Atticus Finch models to his children in “To Kill A Mockingbird."
Sin is terribly destructive. There’s no private sin. There is no victimless sin. That’s because sin attacks who we are and our capacity for love. Sin makes us self-centered. So, when I sin, I hurt Alison because I’ve allowed evil to take a little more hold in my life.
Pope Benedict, in his fantastic 2nd Volume of “Jesus of Nazareth,” discusses sin as allowing evil to have power over us. He more specifically lays out this principle in discussing the betrayal of Judas. Bishop Paul Loverade, the Bishop of Arlington, VA, in his pastoral letter “Bought with a Price” talks about how each moral decision either brings us closer to integrity or closer to moral corruption.
Sin is like a chain. On the far right, the first link, is the venial sin. The more you sin, the more severe the sins become. You reach the last link when you commit a mortal sin. Flirting with a coworker might be the first link in the chain: wrong, but venial. As time goes on, and the flirting leads to more, without direct intervention, the chain ends in marital infidelity.
The thing about a chain though, is that it can be broken at any time. We know sin escalates. We know that we should avoid sin. But how?
Stop a mortal sin before it starts.
Sounds simple enough, yet practicing Catholics commit mortal sins every day.
In order to become the men we want to be, we’ve got to break the chain at the first possible point. The way we can do that is by cleaning up our lives. The movies we watch, the music we listen to, the books we read, and the conversations we partake in all have a direct effect on us. Again, as Bishop Loverade says, each choice is getting us closer to Heaven or closer to Hell.
By taking a look at the man we want to be (St. Joseph would be a great example), we can figure out what changes need to be made. It’s going to be hard, believe me. When I did this exercise, I determined that I should stop watching “Family Guy.” There are some parts of “Family Guy” that really disgust me, but by and large, I find the satire to be hilarious. Yet, I know that it’s pushing me in the opposite direction that I want to be going. When I want to watch the show, I ask this simple question, “Would I rather be the husband to Alison that she deserves or watch ‘Family Guy'?”
If you’ve fallen into mortal sin, remember the words of Jesus: “Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I did not come to call the righteous but sinners.” (Mk 2:14)
Be Persistent
Persistence is a virtue that is lost among many today. We see something we want, we try to get it, and when we fail on our first attempt, we walk away. This attitude towards life is wholly inconsistent with the kind of virtues we need in the married life.
In January 2011, six months after graduating from college, I weighed 197 lbs. Being 5’9”, that was way too much. I knew that I had an issue and I knew that getting back to a healthy weight would be difficult and would require persistence. So, I started weighing myself daily. Then I started exercising daily. Now, I keep a diligent food diary. Two years after that fateful January morning, I’m happy to report that I was down to 165 lbs.
It wasn’t easy. There were days (weeks, months) when I was gaining weight. I’d drop to 180 lbs, and then a few days later be back to 185 lbs. But I kept fighting and I kept pushing. I made better choices. Persistence allowed me to do something more. Not only did I lose the weight, I learned more about my body. I found out which foods made me feel better and how subtlety my body changes from day to day. I still have a few more pounds to go to my goal, but I know that I’ll make it.
In the United States, in all 50 states, you can get a no-fault divorce. It used to be that the law required more than mere inconvenience to substantiate a divorce. The legal system would make multiple attempts to resolve the differences between spouses before granting a divorce decree. Those safeguards are now gone. We even seem to encourage spouses to quit when the going gets tough.
In the spiritual life, we can be incredibly persistent. In fact, we’re encouraged to be. If your wife is sick, you don’t just throw out a Hail Mary and move on. You pray a rosary. You pray multiple rosaries. You pray until she’s better. That’s persistence. We need that.
Time and time again in the Bible, the virtue of persistence is lifted up as something that is good. It’s not nagging, it’s placing our trust in God and reminding ourselves constantly that we are. We know in our own lived experience that persistence pays off. When we work hard on the job over time, we are rewarded. When we work on a personal goal, though it may be difficult, it pays off.
When we’re persistent, we accomplish things. When we’re persistent at work, we are given more responsibility. When we’re persistent in prayer, we come to better know the heart of God. When we’re persistent in our marriages, we become better husbands. When we persist in our goals, we reach them.
Persistence requires overcoming resistance. In those moments of challenge, it becomes more about the destination than the journey. We can persist in any challenge when the goal is worthy.
Be Generous
We tend to think of generosity as costing us something.
Generosity fills us more deeply than anything else can. It brings a level of fulfillment and completeness that no selfish act could ever hope to achieve. It’s in generosity that we find completeness as human persons.
So be generous with your time.
Be generous with your talents.
Be generous with your resources.
Be generous with your wife.
Be Adventurous
Marriage isn’t the end. It’s the beginning.
Marriage isn’t “turning in the keys.” It’s putting the keys into the ignition.
Be bold.
Be bold in your dreams.
Be bold in your work.
Be bold in your prayer.
Be bold in your marriage.
Live your adventure.
Witnessing for Marriage
Every day, everywhere that we go, we have the opportunity to show those around us what it means to be married. By our words and our deeds we implicitly share our experience of marriage with the world. What that means is that we have the opportunity to show how wonderful it is, or to witness poorly to it.
I consider myself to be an extremely professional worker. I stay well within the traditional rules of decorum in the office and in business transactions. I have a great deal of professional pride in how I conduct my business.
A few days before Lent, there was some discussion amongst three self-identified “non-Church going” Catholics. They talked about how hard it is to be Catholic and why they stopped, “Going to Church and listening to the Pope.” As someone who clearly is very serious about my faith life, I was extremely frustrated by the scandal that these individuals were giving to the non-Catholics in our office. Not to mention my personal belief that you’re either Catholic and living in the community, or you’re not and you should stop self-identifying as Catholic.
In the moment, I knew there was no way I was going to be able to be pastoral. I knew that even if I did speak up, I would have no chance of changing anyone’s perceptions. I said nothing. I failed.
Upon reflection, I see real parallels between that scandalous discussion about being Catholic and the regular scandalous discussion about being married.
It’s true that marriage rates are declining and that there seems to be fewer high-quality marriages in our society. But that perception may not be true at all. We might not have fewer high-quality marriages, just fewer people willing to openly witness to the beauty of the married life.
How can we help to make sure that we aren’t giving scandal to the vocation of marriage?
• If our marriage reflects Christ’s love for the Church, be a good mirror. The mystique of marriage is disguised in the ordinary. Though our days are full of seemingly mundane domestic tasks, the undercurrents of love and self-sacrifice perfectly mirror the intense and deep love Christ has for the Church. A simple daily reminder to ourselves of our high station and duty can help us make the attitude alignment we need.
• Fight the battles where we find them. Thankfully, we’re not called to take on every threat to marriage at all times. That would be tiring! In fact, there’s little need to seek out challenges to the married life. If we commit to fighting them when they come to us, we can make a huge difference. So when that conversation comes up at a barbecue this summer, or around the lunch room that reflects a poor understanding of marriage, speak up. There’s no need to be hostile or correct other people. Share your experience of the majestic.
• We can change the culture. If you’ve ever worked at a big company with a big culture problem, you know how hard it is to get everyone to shift to a new way of thinking and acting. A better approach is to start with you. Find the things that you would like to see changed, and make the changes in your own life. Then, watch them filter to those around you and beyond. We can do the same thing with marriage. By living the marriage we want to have, we can slowly (but surely!) get society back to its roots
Change is a tall order. The status quo just really isn’t for us. Fight the battles were you find them, love your wife well, and show the world the depth of Christ’s love.