Catholic Husband

I’m about to embark on a new adventure and I’m both scared and excited at the same time.

At the end of April, I left my job. I’ve started working full time at ChetComm, a company that I started in 2007, spending my time working on both Catholic Husband and developing an iOS app. It also means that when Alison starts her work at the hospital, I’ll be a stay-at-home parent.

We’ve been working for a few weeks on getting Benedict and I’s schedule down. I have a solid plan that allows me to keep the household in order and log 3 hours working on ChetComm projects during his naps. The thing that I’m most scared of is keeping Benedict entertained.

As Benedict keeps growing, he’s becoming more and more interactive. It’s a lot of fun, not only to see him to develop, but to be building a relationship with him. He certainly recognizes Alison and I and he’s now responding to us. I know that over the next 3 years he’s going to make huge leaps and bounds. So how will I keep him meaningfully engaged?

I’m at least thankful that I do have time and his needs will only increase gradually. That’ll give me enough time to plan and adjust.

In the end, I think it comes down to serious time management discipline. I need to balance spending high quality time with Benedict, while being disciplined during his naps to grow my writing skills and my business. I want to help people, I want to help them be better prepared for marriage, and I want to help them live their marriage more fully. I want to help you! That won’t happen if I don’t continue to work every day on Catholic Husband.

I’m excited for our family’s many new adventures, perhaps most of all this one as a full-time Dad and full-time writer. New roles in our lives can be scary, so we need to take them in stride.

We’re called to be selfless in this culture of selfishness.

Last Fall, as Alison and I were preparing for the arrival of Benedict, I spent a few days on a business trip on Mackinac Island. Mackinac is a fabulous summer vacation for Michiganders that’s accessible only by boat or plane. There aren’t any cars allowed (except for a few emergency vehicles) and everything is moved around by horses. It’s an old-timey town with a lot of charm and history.

Alison and I were planning a trip up to Mackinac Island this summer and were considering leaving Benedict with her parents so that we could have some alone time to strengthen our marriage. While walking around on the island last fall, it hit me. Why would I not want to share this with Benedict?

It can be very easy to keep our best for ourselves, but what’s the point? Life and love are experienced at their fullest when we give them all away. Look at Christ’s perfect example. He made all things new by refusing to withhold even His own life from us.

Give away your very best. There’s no reason to be selfish!

From your wife, from your children… withhold nothing!

It happens twice a year. Every Christmas and every Easter, without fail, our parishes are full of strangers. They fill our seats, they park in our spots, and some are even still using the old translation of the Mass.

I’m not a perfect person. I get frustrated on Easter Sunday and Christmas with the influx of people. I’m not mad that they’re at Mass or about where they park or even where they stick. I’m frustrated that their body language screams that they don’t want to be there and it’s incredibly distracting. What really struck me this Easter was the number of fathers whose body language was telling me that they didn’t want to be there. What made a bigger impression was watching their children take cues from this negative body language.

Parents who take their children to Mass occasionally send a mixed message about what’s important. More is caught than taught. It can be confusing to a child, why they’re going to church some Sundays, but not others. An even bigger challenge is how your children see you act at Mass.

This issue isn’t just one for Catholics who come and go. All of us fathers need to watch how we act at Mass. Our body language is telling our kids something. If we’re too casual, our kids won’t understand the gravity and awe of the Mass. If we’re too frigid, we might not communicate the inner joy that we’re experiencing.

The key to our Mass behavior is to be respectful. We want to participate actively in the Mass and we want to show our children that we both believe in what we’re doing and that we want to be there. We want our children to feel comfortable and refreshed at Mass.

Our non-verbal body language will teach our children a lot about our attitudes towards our faith. Let’s make sure they’re getting the right message.

Does teaching your child about the mystery and gift of their human sexuality really have to be an awkward conversation? The “Birds and the Bees” is the standard parental sex education talk, but is a one-time drive really the best approach? The talk is weird, it’s awkward, and both of you just want to get it over with.

We’re doing it wrong.

Before six months ago, I didn’t know anything about kids. As the youngest of 3 children, I’ve never really been around small kids. So when Alison and I were preparing for the birth of Benedict, I, like most new dads, spent a lot of time thinking about the person that I want Benedict to become and how I can best help him get there. In fact, I still do it daily.

Benedict, as a human person, has many components. I’ll spend a lot of time helping him develop social skills, grow his intellect, and control his emotions. In order to help him develop as a person, I’ll need to help him understand and master his sexuality.

As a parent, it’s my job to shepherd him. If I choose to ignore a dynamic of his personhood because of my own discomfort or insecurity, then I’m doing him a disservice.

But does his sexual education really need to be awkward?

The scary thing for parents is that our kids are learning things much earlier than we think. The innocence of childhood is stolen by media and even inadvertently by other kids. We certainly should be sad that our kids are growing up before they should have to, but it also means that we need to go on the offensive. Our children need to learn Truth from us before they learn a lie from someone else.

Our children need us to teach them about their sexuality. They need to learn from us about the feelings and changes that will happen and are happening in their bodies. They need to learn that only when they master their sexuality can they love fully. They need to learn that their sexuality is something that they need to work with, not against.

I’m calling for the death of “The Talk.” Our sexuality deserves more than one 30 minute conversation on a Saturday afternoon. Sexual education needs to be discussed regularly. It should be personalized for each child, unique to their growth, intellectual capacity, and curiosity.

At a young age, we should teach our children about God’s love for us. Later, we need to talk about how parents share in that Divine Love and how our creative powers bring forth children. When the time comes, we need to talk about how our physical bodies and our minds were made for powerful, creative, self-giving love. Our kids need to know how to master their sexuality so that it’s a harmonious presence in their lives, not a distracting presence riddled with temptation.

Essentially, we should walk them through their sexuality in baby steps, always keeping sexuality in reference to it’s reflection of God’s great love for the world. Be open to questions and give appropriate answers. Always be truthful and as accurate as you can be.

By properly educating our children about the true nature of their sexuality and the role it should play in their lives, we can achieve three goals. First, we can avoid a singular awkward conversation. Second, we can help them to live balanced lives. Lastly, we can change the culture. We can show our children that sex and children are something to be embraced and celebrated, in the appropriate context.

Now that then Lenten season is over, it’s important for us to remember that while the season is gone, the positive steps we’ve taken in our lives should not be. The whole point of Lent is to refocus our attention and help us get closer to the people that we want to be. When the season is over, it’s still up to us to make decisions that keep us going in the right direction.

Growing up, my family always prayed together in the evening. We would learn a new prayer each year, pray the usual prayers, and learn about our faith. My dad would choose sections from the Catechism for us to discuss and learn about. It was a great system. Sadly, as we got older and our lives started to get very busy, we moved away from family prayer time.

Praying as a family has been something that Alison and I have struggled to incorporate, but I think we’re finally getting our routine worked out.

Families tend to be together twice per day. They start their day at home and they end their day at home. After breakfast (sometimes even before!), everyone scatters in different directions. Parents go to work, kids go to school, then after-school activities, social clubs, the list goes on and on. When the family regroups at the end of the day, when everyone “comes in from the fields,” there’s a need for quality time together.

Since we spend so much of our days apart, we need time together to connect, communicate and bond. Prayer can do that. In fact, prayer in community is important!

There’s a dynamic of our faith that focuses on the interior life. We should each have a personal relationship with God and be constantly praying and living out our faith. The Church also reminds us that the community life, and more specifically communal spirituality is also very important. When we pray in community, we further support each other and intercede for each other. The Church so heavily emphasizes the communal aspect of the spiritual life that She has entire communities of religious brothers and sisters living, working, and praying together.

Alison and I have daily prayer time in the evening, typically when the kitchen is clean. We’re not always 100% perfect in having this time, but we’re making an honest effort and are starting to see the benefits. There are three main parts to our prayer. We start with a section of the Catechism and discussion. We talk about what line jumped out at us or make observations about what the particular teaching means. We then each share our petitions. We close our family prayer time with an Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be and then we bless each other.

It’s simple, it’s straightforward, and it’s ours.

Now it’s time for you to make yours. Talk to your wife about her spirituality and design a family prayer routine that appeals to both of you. Then, designate a sacred time and make it happen.

Prayer, like all relationships, can and must change. As time goes on, if things get stale, change it up. Live a vibrant family spirituality!

Praying as a family on a daily basis can be challenging. At the end of the day, it’s all about priorities.

It’s truly sad how little we value children today. Modern couples are pressured and even praised for holding off on starting a family for any degree of time. Instead of being seen for the value that they truly have, and without accounting for the sheer joy of shepherding your own child, children are seen as a roadblock. We tell women that they can’t both be a mother and a valuable employee. We tell men that children will ruin all of your fun.

To be honest, those are all lies.

Without being a parent yourself, it is difficult to fully comprehend the true nature and joy of parenthood. As the youngest of 3 children, I didn’t know anything about kids until 5 months ago. Even in my short tenure as a dad, I’ve come to realize how special it is to have a family. There’s nothing better at the end of a bad day than Benedict looking up at me and smiling. Even when it’s immediately followed by him urping all over me.

If kids are so wonderful, what is driving us to delay starting a family and forcing the medical community to divert resources away from lifesaving research to serving our own selfish pursuits? Myths. I want to address four of those myths now.

• You can’t live your dreams. Kids don’t get in the way of your dreams, they force you to find a new way. If you’re not willing to change your plan to reach your dream, you didn’t really want it. If it wasn’t a child’s daily schedule getting in the way, it’d be something else. You might even find that, at the end of the day, the changes you needed to make to your plans worked a lot better than your original ones.

• Kids hold you back. Things get done because we decided that they’re important and we make them happen. Sometimes people will complain that they can’t run a marathon or write a novel, or whatever major goal they have for themselves because they have kids. I can’t help but wonder how many marathons they ran or novels they wrote in all the time they had before they had children. Kids don’t hold you back, they just offer you an excuse. If you really want something, you’ll find a way to make it happen.

• You won’t be happy. Really the only time that it’s a challenge to find joy in being a parent is during early morning feedings. Kids will bring you some degree of happiness, that’s true. They actually offer something much better: fulfillment. Happiness fades, fulfillment doesn’t.

• You’ll never have time to yourself. This one is great. Sure, your child needs your help throughout the day for all sorts of things. They also sleep. So you might not have that 5pm-9pm time slot for “me time” anymore, but 5am-6am is available, so is 9pm-midnight.

Parenting is a great responsibility. Like anything that’s worth doing, it’s difficult. By ignoring the myths and the lies, you can enjoy the experience of a lifetime: bringing forth life into the world and help it to thrive.