How to Handle Decisions
One of the biggest jumps to make between the single life and the married life is the transition to shared decision making.
I’ve shared many times before, both here and in “The Transition,” the story about Alison and I’s fight over menu planning. (Short version: I thought she wanted to spend too much, she thought I was demanding that we budget too little. We let her have control and a budget and everything worked out really well… especially for me). The point of the story, and I’m sure many other instances from our young marriage, is that decisions need to be made together, but they can be managed individually.
“There’s too many cooks in the kitchen.” Sometimes even two cooks is too many. With many decisions, the execution is best done by one person.
The best way to handle the many complex issues and demands that your marriage will face is to make major decisions together and delegate the implementation to one spouse.
• Spouses should always know what’s going on. As a team, you can only work at your best when you’re both in the loop. You make better decisions, you communicate better, and the transparency introduces harmony into the relationship. When it’s a good decision you’re working on (i.e. a vacation or your dream home), your spirits are lifted. When it’s a challenging decision (i.e. illness or discipline) you share the burden.
• Not everything needs two managers. You and your wife agree on the budget every month, but do you both really need to be monitoring the checking account and updating your tracking software? Do you really both need to do the detailed menu planning and grocery planning?
• Delegate to the spouse with the strength. We each bring strengths to the table. When a couple delegates implementation to the spouse with a strength in the particular area, the family wins. When Alison and I delegate menu planning to Alison, we all eat better. When Alison and I delegate budget tracking to me, we all have access to budgeting software that’s up-to-date.
• The spouse who isn’t responsible should maintain periodic check-ins. Once implementation is delegated, the non-responsible spouse isn’t off the hook. They should check in periodically to make sure everything is on track and that they’s in the loop.
Being a couple and being a family means doing what’s best for everyone. By making the major decisions together and delegating implementation, you can avoid fights and move your family forward.
Leave it Better
“He always leaves the toilet seat up."
This common complaint from spouses shines a light on a major relationship issue. We need to not only be thinking about our wife first, we need to be putting it into action!
Here’s an easy marriage hack for you: make your surroundings better for your wife.
When the sink is full, do the dishes.
When you use the last of the toilet paper, replace the roll.
When you pour the last glass of water, refill the pitcher.
When she’s out shopping, clean the house.
When the dryer buzzes, fold the laundry.
It’s simple in concept, but can you put it into practice?
You’re the Servant of All
The Pope has many titles. Perhaps most intriguing is “Servant of the Servants of God."
This Papal title is especially perplexing because we tend to think of the Pope as a very powerful man. He’s someone who inspires us and draws us closer to God. He ends conflict and brings peace and harmony into the world. He rubs shoulders with dictators and diplomats. Why would he have such a lowly title?
Answer: he’s the exemplar of servant leadership. He leads, yes, but he doesn’t succumb to power. His humility keeps his authority in check.
As husbands, we should fill a similar role in our homes.
Of course, we’re the head of our household. But that title or position should be more like the Abbot of a monastery than a tyrant. We’re charged with promoting peace, the care of the defenseless, and the protection of the family.
One of the ways we can be the servant of our family is to do tasks that others might not prefer to do. No one likes calling utility companies, but we can. We can lift that burden from our wife. No one wants to kill a spider or pick up a dead mouse. But we can.
By serving our families well, we show our love. We show our respect for members of our family. We practice true servant leadership.
We’re tasked to lead. Will we be tyrants or Abbots?
The Fastest Way to Grow in Patience
You can’t control the things your spouse does. But you can control your response.
When it comes to certain things, I can be very particular. I like to have a set schedule and when things deviate from that schedule, I tend to get frustrated fast. When I choose to be frustrated instead of patient, I lose the opportunity for growth.
You and your wife are different people. That’s a good thing, because if you were both the same, you’d be bored. Sure, you’re more compatible than most. You also have a deeper relationship than you have with other people. Even with all of these advantages, your wife will still do things that will annoy you. She still has faults.
Everyone has faults. There’s no such thing as the perfect spouse. So when your wife does things that annoy or frustrate you, how do you respond?
Patience is a challenging virtue to grow in. To change from a man who gets upset at the slightest action to a man who has a “mind like water” is a journey, not a destination. It takes discipline over time. To become a man who accepts his wife for who she is takes daily decisions to respond to faults and mistakes with love and understanding.
If the journey is so difficult, why do it at all? Simple. The more we’re able to overcome the frustration that we feel, the more charitable we become. The more charitable we become, the more open to love we are. We will become more gentle, loving husbands. This will bring peace and harmony to our homes on a level that we’ve never experienced before.
How we respond to our wife’s actions will determine the quality of marriage we will have. We will either have a bitter and trivial marriage or one that truly reflects Christ’s love for us.
Mutual Wellness
One of the best things you can do for your wife is to take care of your own health. Once you lose it, it’s extremely difficult to get it back.
One of my favorite activities to do with Alison is taking an evening walk. It’s generally a nice pace with Benedict in his stroller. We don’t do it often, but there’s something extremely relaxing about it. Not only are we connecting about our day and lives, we’re also helping each other care for our physical health.
As husbands, we have the responsibility to care for our family. One of the dimensions that we especially need to monitor is our family’s health. We should all strive to maintain each other’s health and wellness.
The great thing about marriage is that you have a partner for everything! Spouses should support each other in making healthy lifestyle choices.
• Eating right. Dieting isn’t a temporary thing, it’s a daily thing. Enjoy everything in moderation. You and your wife can work together on eating right by limiting the meals that you eat out, planning fresh meals to cook at home, and avoiding over-indulgence.
• Exercising together. Working out with your wife can be thrilling. Not only do you feel good from the physical act of exercising, you get the added mental benefit that you’re both taking care of yourselves. There’s nothing more loving or caring than encouraging each other to stay in good health.
• Managing illness. Illness will happen in your marriage, especially later in life. You’re also your wife’s partner in managing illness. When it happens, you’ll work together to manage it as best you can.
Our health is a precious gift. By working with your spouse, you can both ensure that you’ll have many more happy, healthy years together.
The Best Way to Unite Your Family
As the head of your household, you’ve got a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. You’re tasked with protecting and nurturing your family. You’re also responsible for their spiritual well being. As husbands, we need to do all that we can to keep our family together.
A few months before we got married, Alison and I moved to Grand Rapids. We found a local parish and started going to Mass together on Sundays. I’d get up a little bit earlier, pick her up at her aunt’s house, and then drive her to Mass. I really enjoyed going to Mass with her, since I was used to going alone.
Our families have many demands on our time. This is especially true if you have older children who are involved in many different activities. Yet, despite this busyness, we need to set our priorities. We need to block out time that’s reserved for the family. This is definitely going to conflict with sports, school events, and social calendars. Yet, this is the essential challenge of the family today: we need to claim time that is our own and defend it vigorously.
Sunday Mass for Catholics isn’t optional. Each Sunday is a Holy Day of Obligation. Mass is non-negotiable, but we go out of love and necessity, not duty. A week in the world is draining and the Eucharist is the fuel we need to live another week faithfully. The Mass is a safe haven where we can stop worrying, relax, and rejoice in the love of our Father.
So when calendars conflict, plant a flag. Declare that your family goes to Mass, together, every Sunday. It’s not open for discussion.
The great thing about being Catholic is that with the variety of parishes and Mass times, you can actually still have your children participate in activities or hang out with friends and make it to Mass together. Each week’s schedule can determine which Mass you attend. I will point out, however, that there’s something fun about going to the same Mass each week. You get to know the people who also attend that Mass and they become your Church family in a real way. My family has found many great friends through our weekly Mass.
There are certain times when we need to rise above the pressure and assert our role as caretakers for our children. It might not be popular among our peers, but it’s the right thing to do. Our children need the sacraments and our family needs to celebrate the Mass together. Make it a priority!
Why People Delay Marriage
The average age of newlyweds is climbing in the United States. More and more young couples are delaying marriage for a significant period of time. It’s a troubling trend, but why are young people actively avoiding tying the knot?
Alison and I met our last semester of college. We got married a little over two years later. After taking the time to get to know each other, we didn’t have any real reason to delay getting married. We were ready to share our lives with each other and experience the joys (and benefits) of marriage.
So what’s causing young people to get married later in life?
• They have other priorities. Most people have a bucket list of some type. Some young people have the perception that when they get married, they won’t be able to do the things that they love. So they intentionally put off serious relationships and marriage until they complete their list. Lame.
• They’re cohabiting. Cohabitation is an epidemic among young adults today. If you’re living together and having sex on a regular basis, it can be difficult to differentiate between what you’re doing and what marriage is. Cohabitation is wrecking both marriage rates and driving up divorce rates.
• They don’t see the point. If an individual isn’t open to life or is still too immature to be concerned about the needs of someone else, it can be hard for them to see any “good” reason to get married.
• They perceive marriage for “older people.” As more and more couples delay getting married, they send a message to younger people that you wait to get married. It becomes cyclical.
• They’re unclear about their ideal spouse. This is actually a valid reason to delay marriage. Marriage is forever, so you need to be sure you choose well. It’s important to have a clear concept of the type of person you want to marry.
It’s sad when people actively avoid getting married. At the same time, I have no objection to an individual intentionally delaying getting married to ensure that both they and their significant other are a good match and are emotionally prepared. Marriage should be embraced, not avoided.
10 Date Night Ideas
There’s a growing body of research that’s demonstrating that regular date nights with your spouse can significantly increase the happiness in your marriage. Sadly, few married couples make time to have exclusive spousal relationship time.
A weekly date night might sound like a lot, especially when you have some big financial goals to hit. Here are 10 ideas for your date night that are budget friendly.
• Go on a nature hike. In the United States, we’re lucky to have an expansive and affordable parks system. Find a local park and go explore!
• Cook a new recipe. New experiences are always an adventure. Spend the evening together cooking in the kitchen.
• Take a pilgrimage to a local holy site. There are a surprising number of holy sites within a reasonable distance from your home. Local dioceses have many of these hidden gems if you know where to look.
• Go star gazing. Nothing’s more humbling than looking up in the night sky and seeing it filled with stars. If you live in the city or somewhere where’s there’s lots of light at night, find a spot out in the country and enjoy the Milky Way!
• Watch a movie on the lawn. Sure, we watch movies on a regular basis, but what about ones projected onto the side of your house or garage? Find a projector to rent or borrow, pull out a blanket, and enjoy a movie in a new way.
• Take a Parks and Recreation class. Your local parks & rec department puts on classes on a regular basis on a variety of classes. They might be cooking classes, dancing classes, or even foreign language classes. The great thing is that they’re extremely cost effective. Find one to take together!
• Take dancing lessons. Dance lessons have been popular among married couples for some time. It might be worth taking a look.
• Learn a new language. Foreign languages can be tough to learn, and the less you use it, the more you forget. Pick a language and then immerse your relationship in it.
• Solve a puzzle. Puzzle building is a classic family activity. Why not bring it back?
• Visit a museum. Museums are popping up all across the country, even in small towns. Find one of these local attractions and check it out!
Planning date nights isn’t hard, but keeping it as a priority can be. With a plan in place, it can be much easier to stick to weekly date nights.
The Scariest Part of Being A Stay-at-Home Dad
I’m about to embark on a new adventure and I’m both scared and excited at the same time.
At the end of April, I left my job. I’ve started working full time at ChetComm, a company that I started in 2007, spending my time working on both Catholic Husband and developing an iOS app. It also means that when Alison starts her work at the hospital, I’ll be a stay-at-home parent.
We’ve been working for a few weeks on getting Benedict and I’s schedule down. I have a solid plan that allows me to keep the household in order and log 3 hours working on ChetComm projects during his naps. The thing that I’m most scared of is keeping Benedict entertained.
As Benedict keeps growing, he’s becoming more and more interactive. It’s a lot of fun, not only to see him to develop, but to be building a relationship with him. He certainly recognizes Alison and I and he’s now responding to us. I know that over the next 3 years he’s going to make huge leaps and bounds. So how will I keep him meaningfully engaged?
I’m at least thankful that I do have time and his needs will only increase gradually. That’ll give me enough time to plan and adjust.
In the end, I think it comes down to serious time management discipline. I need to balance spending high quality time with Benedict, while being disciplined during his naps to grow my writing skills and my business. I want to help people, I want to help them be better prepared for marriage, and I want to help them live their marriage more fully. I want to help you! That won’t happen if I don’t continue to work every day on Catholic Husband.
I’m excited for our family’s many new adventures, perhaps most of all this one as a full-time Dad and full-time writer. New roles in our lives can be scary, so we need to take them in stride.
Withhold Nothing
We’re called to be selfless in this culture of selfishness.
Last Fall, as Alison and I were preparing for the arrival of Benedict, I spent a few days on a business trip on Mackinac Island. Mackinac is a fabulous summer vacation for Michiganders that’s accessible only by boat or plane. There aren’t any cars allowed (except for a few emergency vehicles) and everything is moved around by horses. It’s an old-timey town with a lot of charm and history.
Alison and I were planning a trip up to Mackinac Island this summer and were considering leaving Benedict with her parents so that we could have some alone time to strengthen our marriage. While walking around on the island last fall, it hit me. Why would I not want to share this with Benedict?
It can be very easy to keep our best for ourselves, but what’s the point? Life and love are experienced at their fullest when we give them all away. Look at Christ’s perfect example. He made all things new by refusing to withhold even His own life from us.
Give away your very best. There’s no reason to be selfish!
From your wife, from your children… withhold nothing!