Change One Fault Per Month
Two weeks ago, I wrote about conversion in our lives. In the post, I talked about how conversion doesn’t happen overnight, but through thousands of small decisions.
If you’re like me, you have faults that you wish you didn’t have. Changing those faults can be difficult. You may have tried in the past, but failed. We can all be more successful with focus.
Through the simple action of committing to focusing on changing one fault per month, in a year you can be a whole new man!
Make a list of things about you that you consider to be faults. Be open and be honest with yourself. Pick one and attack it with vengeance.
Don’t do this alone… seek your wife’s help. I bet she’ll want to help you in this process.
Throughout the process, you’ll fail. You’ll be working on one habit for three weeks and on day 23, you’ll fall back into your old ways. The key to success is your ability to shake it off, get back up, and move past your failures. We all fail, but only the strong persevere.
The time for change isn’t tomorrow, it’s right now.
Open to Life
In our society, especially recently, we’ve spent a lot of time talking about ways to avoid pregnancy. When did kids become the enemy?
In the days before I was a father, I knew very little about children. Being the youngest child in my family, I never really had a chance to be around them. So when Benedict came, it was truly a trial by fire. During Alison’s pregnancy, I experienced a whole range of emotions. To be honest, the only times I was stressed or scared was thinking about Alison’s safety or how the budget would bend to accommodate this new little life.
I think our real problem is that we’ve stopped seeing children as a joy and now view them as a burden, an expense, a roadblock.
Although children do require a lot of time, attention, care, and resources, they do have something to offer us. They’re a source of pure joy. They’re a reminder of the beauty in life. They help us to remember the little things. They help us to see the world with optimism.
Nothing is as amazing as making a small child laugh. Nothing is as amazing as when a child looks at you.
So let’s just agree to stop treating them like a disease.
Sync Status
Relationships have seasons. Sometimes they’re going really well and other times, well, they’re not.
Over the past few months, as Alison and I have been spending more time together, we’ve found ourselves getting in better sync. We’ll finish each other’s sentences, read our moods better, and are generally more caring. It’s a great feeling, really. We’ve been through the stress of four years of medical school and are to entering the stress of residency, but right now we’ve just been spending lots of time together.
Have you ever been at a stoplight and looked at the cars in the turning lane? Their turn signals blink at different intervals and were activated at different times. Yet, if you watch long enough, you’ll eventually see them all blink in complete synchronization, and then will fall back out. A few moments later, they’ll be in sync again.
Our marriages are just like those turn signals. The syncs happen in waves. Just as it’s unrealistic to expect to be 100% happy and satisfied in your marriage at all times, it’s unrealistic to expect complete synchronization. It’s something that doesn’t just happen. You have to work on it.
So when you want to improve your marriage, when you want to get in sync with your wife, how do you do it?
• Set non-sexual time apart for each other. You each have a morning routine and evening routine of sorts. How much of that time is you both spending quality time together? How much of that time do you reserve just for each other? If you don’t plan to have quality non-sexual time together, you won’t grow closer.
• Serve her. I’ve been beating this drum a lot recently. That’s because it’s something we all need to be doing, at all times! There are little things you can do for your wife to make her life easier. I get water for Alison each night for her nightstand. Some mornings I prepare her coffee. If she forgot something downstairs before bed, I’ll go down and take care of it for her.
• Work on your dreams together. You have your own dreams, but do you have dreams with your wife? Alison and I have dreams of being debt free. So we have a visual reminder in our dining room. That means that when I want to go buy something, she has the ability to tell me that I’m out of line. When you push for a dream together, you can accomplish amazing things!
• Take a more active role in your relationship. Your wife wasn’t made to be your butler. She’s not responsible for initiating everything in the relationship. We need to be active in our relationship. That means helping with the kids, helping with the house, and going out of our way to do things for her.
Being in sync with your wife is a wonderful thing. It takes time, it takes effort, but in the end, the payoff is well worth the effort.
Deferring Your Wants
We live in a microwave culture. We want everything, now.
A major burden for new doctors is the size of their medical school debt. Unfortunately, most medical students finance their education with loans, as Alison and I did. While the long term return on investment may be good, eventually, the repayment period is especially heavy. Since Alison and I are in the repayment period now, I’ve started to notice how many wants I really have.
We all have wants. Whether it’s cars, tech, or clothing, there’s always something out there that we’d like to have. The problem is that our wants sometimes don’t line up with our status in life. Alison and I would love to have a home with a nice yard. Right now, that’s just not a possibility. So we’re renting a townhouse. It’s a step up from our apartment, but not quite the dream.
During the times of our lives when we don’t have the luxury of getting some of our wants, we really have to dig in and defer those wants for our current needs. So while I might like a new computer, Alison and I should instead pay down some student loans.
It’s actually the mark of manliness to yield to the needs of your family. It’s the sign of true adulthood when you can defer pleasure. I know that eventually we’ll have enough for a new computer, but that isn’t today.
That’s the lie that your wants will tell you. That if you can’t have it today, you’ll never get it. The ridiculous thing is that when you finally can get that want, it will be way better than today’s version. Everything is always getting better, companies are always launching new products. So while I can’t get the computer I want today, when I finally do upgrade, it will be way better than what I would have gotten today.
In all of this, we have to make sure we don’t become materialistic. It’s ok to want things. It’s not ok to be envious of others who have it, or to let it consume us.
When you’re at a stage in life when you can’t afford wants, it’s the perfect time to be grateful for all of the things you have now. After all, Alison and I may be broke right now, but our version of broke is actually quite comfortable.
Dedicate Yourself to Wellness
We have just one chance to take care of our bodies. Are you maximizing your physical wellbeing?
Finding time to exercise can be a challenge. It’s not so much that there isn’t enough time in the day, it’s that we have other things that we’d rather be doing. So, when it’s between sleeping in an extra hour or getting up and going for a walk, the decision is often all too easy.
I’ve found a great time for Benedict and I to go grab some fresh air. Each morning we go for a walk after Alison goes to work. It’s still (mostly) cool and it just seems like the right time. Plus, I hate taking multiple showers the same day, so exercising before getting ready for the day is perfect for me.
Having good health is something that we take for granted. Unfortunately for us, health, once lost, can’t be easily regained.
So what does that mean for us and our families? We need to be proactive instead of reactive!
A lifestyle of wellness has many benefits:
• Fewer illnesses
• Better resilience to stress
• Better attitude
• More energy
I used the word “ lifestyle” for a reason. All of our decisions (activities, food, etc) add up to our overall wellness. So eat that ice cream, just maybe two scoops this time. Get that extra sleep in, just make sure you go for a 30 minute walk at some point during the day.
Our health is cause and effect. If you make good choices, you’ll reap the benefits.
Cash is King, but Not God
Money makes the world go around. Currency allows us to buy things, both needs and wants.
Cash is king, but it shouldn’t make your major life decisions for you.
So if you’re thinking about getting married, make the decision based on your intellect, not your bank account.
If you’re wanting to grow your family, make the decision based on prayer, not on your debt level.
In all things, be prudent, but don’t let money be your god.
Holy Baby Steps
When we’re ready to change our lives, we want it to happen fast. We want to lose the weight, today. We want an answer to our dispute, now. We want to be the best father to our children, instantly. The problem with the demand for the instant is that it doesn’t last.
By now you know that I’m a productivity nut. I love to schedule my day out, I love to find more efficient ways of doing things, and I love finding and implementing new tools.
It used to be that I would find a new strategy, implement it the next day, and a week or so later, I’d be back in my old ways. I would like the feeling of trying something new and getting a productivity bump, but I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t sustain it.
The problem was my perspective. I was expecting to solve a long-term problem in the short-term. Addicts don’t transform their lives in one instant after years of addiction. We shouldn’t expect any better results.
The person you are today, for better or for worse, is the culmination of years of decisions. If you’re living life right, that didn’t happen because you made one right choice. You made a series of smaller decisions and used discipline over time.
In the spiritual life, the same axiom is true. Conversion doesn’t happen over night, it happens over time.
Conversion doesn’t happen in one major decision, it happens in dozens of smaller, seemingly insignificant, daily choices. The trick is to take advantage of these daily opportunities. Hundreds of small steps equals one giant leap.
The most important trick to taking holy baby steps is to avoid getting discouraged. Discouragement means having a lack of hope, and hope is trust placed in God’s promise of salvation. So when we get discouraged, we doubt God’s Word. Ouch. You’ll make great strides forward and you’ll have magnificent failures. The trick is to immediately push forward.
So, if you want to pray daily, start small. If you want to cut out one of the deadly sins in your life, start attacking the roots.
By staying dedicated and intentional, you can accomplish any goal you set out to achieve in the spiritual life.
My First Eucharistic Procession
Sharing our faith boldly with those around us can be challenging. You can’t just be chillin by the coffee pot on Monday morning and lead with, “Hey, how was your weekend? I encountered the Risen Christ through the Holy Sacrament of the Altar and now I’m a living tabernacle."
Last Sunday, we celebrated the Feast of the Body and Blood of Christ, more commonly known as Corpus Christi Sunday. An ancient tradition that is starting to find resurgence in the United States is that of having a public Eucharistic procession.
Alison and I have found ourselves in an amazing and vibrant Parish community. Our parish had a procession on Sunday evening. It was magnificent. I’d say there were about 500 people there, walking through the streets, following the Blessed Sacrament. Along with the parishioners, there were about 10 priests. We processed from the Parish three blocks to the town square, had a brief exposition, and then processed back.
We live in a country that allows us to make such public displays of our faith. Yet, we still tend to shy away from opportunities to share our faith with people. We have a perception that people won’t want to hear about it, that they’ll be turned off, or will make unfair conclusions about us.
The silly thing is that we rely on our friends for recommendations all the time. When you go to a great restaurant, you tell people. When a movie stinks, you spread the word. When you read a good book, you let your friends know. Evangelization is just that. We’ve had an experience that has transformed our lives for the better, and we want other people to experience the profound joy that we’ve found.
There were many people who were probably confused by our Procession. There were probably some who thought we were nuts. How people react or receive our message is not what’s important. What is important is that they have the right to share in the joy of the Sacramental life, and we have the duty to share it with them.
You don’t have to know everything about our Faith to share it with others. You don’t have to be able to answer all of their questions. All you have to do is share how the life of the Church has made your life that much better.
Working in Your Strengths
Lifelong marriage can at times be a challenging relationship. In fact, your marriage will be the most complex and intricate relationship that you’ll manage. You are closer to your wife than you even were with your parents.
As a part of this relationship, there are a great number of potential stressors that can damage the marital bond. There’s an easy way to eliminate as many of these stressors as possible: work only in your strengths.
I hate hanging pictures. No matter how much I try, I have the hardest time getting everything just right. I’m too impatient to measure the distance between the hanger and the top of the frame, and even if I did, I’d still mess it up. So anytime Alison and I go to hang things on the wall, she knows to brace herself for a very frustrated husband.
Turns out, not only is Alison good at hanging pictures, she enjoys it! So when it came time to hang both pictures and shelves in our new home, we worked out a system. I’d do the drilling and hammering, and she’d do the measuring. We work really well together and got everything up with almost no frustration.
You and your wife are perfectly matched, and nothing will show this truth more than when you relieve each other’s burdens. When you find that an activity that drives you crazy is something your wife enjoys doing, then you know you’ve really done things right.
Not only does this division of labor lower stress, you each get to do things that you really enjoy. If you hate to wash the car and your wife loves it, let her wash the car! If you’re skilled at hemming curtains or are a machine when it comes to clothing repair, have at it!
Your marriage isn’t about fulfilling supposed societal norms. Your marriage is about you and your wife, working together, as a team, for the greater good of your family.
You’ll never lower your stress level or open new channels of communication with your wife unless you both agree to work in your strengths.
Stop Treating Mass like A Drive-Thru
Our lives are busy. We have work, family obligations, and personal goals that we’re trying to balance. With this time overload, we look for ways to be more efficient and corners to cut. Unfortunately, sometimes during this schedule review, we try to find ways to cut our time at Mass short.
As Alison and I were moving last month, we ended up visiting a parish in Pittsburgh for Mass. Benedict was getting pretty fussy, so I took him into the back of the Church. As we stood back there, I watched a steady stream of people go up for Communion, and then walk right out the door.
Mass isn’t a drive-thru.
In a way, some Catholics treat Mass like McDonald’s. They show up at their leisure, get what they came for (Communion), and then leave immediately. The problem with this approach is that it cheats you of the fullness of the Mass. When you leave Mass early, you’re making four big mistakes.
• You miss the chance to spend quiet time with Jesus physically in you. The Eucharist is unlike anything we experience in our daily lives. It’s literally a miracle each time the bread and wine are transubstantiated. So when you “Grab and Go” with Jesus, you ignore the reality of what you are taking part in.
• All parts of the Mass are important. You’ve got to hand it to the Bishops… they crafted a liturgy that feeds you physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually AND made it all happen in 60 minutes or less. That’s a lot to do in one golden hour. It kind of makes you think that there were a lot of things they cut from the liturgy. So if we’re able to do all of those things in the time it takes to develop photos, that must mean that they only kept the things that were absolutely critical.
• You have a Mass “hanging chad.” How many conversations have you walked away from in the middle of? How many awesome dreams have you had where you wake up just at things were getting good? When you leave Mass early, you miss the closing prayer and song. When you leave immediately after Communion, you basically were having a conversation with someone and then abruptly walked away.
• It’s disrespectful. The priest stands in the place of Christ. Leaving before him is akin to leaving a wedding before the bride and groom do. Give me a break.
The most ridiculous thing about this whole discussion is we’re talking about 10 extra minutes, at most. Traffic really isn’t that bad, and when you’ve been somewhere for 50 minutes, 10 more isn’t a big deal.
Don’t be a punk. Stay at Mass until the very end and enjoy the fullness that it has to offer.