Choose Joy
Being joyful about our lives can be a challenge, despite all of the good things we have. It’s all too easy to let the bad overshadow the good.
It seems like in the times that I should be thankful and praying even harder, I tend to let my prayer life slide. I let the things that are going wrong almost consume me. That’s no way to live.
In our lives, attitude is everything. People in history have accomplished amazing things, despite all odds being against them. They’ve accomplished these things because they had the right attitude. They chose to not let the things that were going wrong discourage them.
If joy is so essential, how can we maintain it?
• Refuse to let outside factors affect you. When things go wrong, we choose how much energy and effort we give to that thing. Our response affects how we respond to everything else in that moment. So when something bad happens to you, don’t let it ruin the rest of your day.
• Stay in a loving mindset. While there are many things in our lives that we cannot control, our mindset is one that we can. It’s a challenge, especially in the face of adversity, but it can be done.
• Remember that joy is essential in the spiritual life. Although we’re very reverent and reserved at Mass, let’s keep in mind that the Christian life is essentially meant to be a joyful one. Even though times may be tough, the battle is already won. We are not meant to be somber and sad, death is conquered!
Choose joy!
I Feel Like A Bum
“I felt like a bum.” Alison spoke those words to me two weeks ago. She was describing a team building activity that she participated in with her new coworkers. She felt like a bum because she was floating down a river on an inner tube while I was home taking care of Benedict. The funny thing is, I felt like a bum, too.
I have three main responsibilities during the day. First, I’m in charge of making sure Benedict is safe, happy, and full. Second, I work on Catholic Husband and the iOS app that I’m developing. Third, I’m charged with maintaining the household. I’ve known for a while that I would eventually be in this role, so I’ve been preparing. The fact is, I feel like a bum because I love what I’m doing. It doesn’t feel like work or a burden. It feels like exactly what I want to be doing.
That was the truly funny thing about both Alison and I admitting that we felt like bums. We both realized we were doing what we truly wanted to be doing.
This is the magic of doing what you want. Work isn’t designed to be oppressive. It’s liberating! It’s a prayer! You can see movement as a result of your labors. You can feel the impact that you’re having in the world. It’s a truly beautiful thing. Of course, doing work that you love might not happen overnight. You might have to come up with a plan to move into a job that you truly love.
The key to loving your work is to work in your gifts. We each have things that we’re naturally good at or that we get a great deal of satisfaction from. When you’re doing work that helps other people, where you feel really fulfilled, you’re most likely using at least one of your gifts.
Our gifts were meant to be shared. So if you’re in a place where you’re not working in your gifts, you might need to make a change. Find ways to start small. Find a volunteer opportunity to help with and pitch in! Find a different way to go about your career or a new angle and work it.
Our gifts were meant to be shared. When you finally get to a point where you’re doing work that you love, using the gifts you’ve been given, you, too, can feel like a bum.
The Key to No-Work Sundays
Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest in our lives. I’ve written recently about my Lenten journey this year to not work on Sundays. If you want to move towards not working on Sunday, what is the key?
Turning Sunday from “just another day” to a day of rest is more of a process than a decision. In order to not have to work on Sunday, you have to get everything else done in the other six days of the week. It will take planning and it will take discipline. All you really have to do is make these three changes:
• Friday is no longer the finish line. Right now, you probably consider Friday to be the “end of the week.” It means you don’t have to show up to work for two days, so that means that your break has begun. While it’s true that your “work” break starts on Friday at 5pm, you still have a list of things at home that need your attention.
• Work hard Saturday… get up early. Saturday has just taken on a whole new meaning. This is your day for errands, yard work, car cleaning, and home cleaning that didn’t happen the rest of the week. Get up early and run your errands as soon as the stores open. This will help you to avoid losing time waiting in line or in traffic. Don’t stop working until you’ve finished your chores, errands, and any preparation that you need to get done.
• Enjoy the fruits on Sunday. Everything is taken care of, give yourself permission to relax. Don’t be anxious about work on Monday, don’t worry about the day slipping away from you. If you want to nap, take a nap. If you want to go on a day trip, pack up the car! You literally have nothing else that you need to be doing (except going to Mass!).
When you’re finally able to make the switch to a no-work Sunday, your whole world will change. Make the effort, follow the steps, and enjoy the change.
Building Our Own Prisons
Temptation is difficult to endure. You’re actually not doing anything wrong by being tempted. It’s only when you indulge that you get into trouble. The real problem comes when you start actively seeking temptation.
During this month, I spend upwards of 13 hours each day alone at home while Alison is at work. 13 hours is a lot of time for me to get into trouble. They say that idle hands are the Devil’s tools, so I pack my schedule in tight. Between cleaning, cooking, baking, chasing Benedict, and running a business, I limit the amount of idle time that I have. This is critical in my proactive plan to avoid temptation.
Sin traps us. When we choose to sin, we create our own prison. Just like people who fall victim to substance abuse, we get caught in a cycle that can be hard to break. Sin is oppressive and binding. It can take away our hope and lead to despair.
So when temptation comes along and we flirt with it, we start building our prison until we’re finally trapped in a sin that we don’t want to be committing. The only way out is through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It’s our get out of jail card, though it’s far from free. Some has already paid the price for our freedom.
Stop building your own prison!
Scheduling Together
The most powerful tool in your marriage is your calendar. Your calendar will always show you what you think is actually important.
I keep a variety of digital calendars. I have one for personal events, one that Alison and I share, and one for my company. All of these calendars stake out time in my day for various activities. I have writing time, exercise time, and even family time blocked out. By using a calendar, I can “budget” my time. I have 16 hours awake during the day, how will I spend them?
The reason why calendars are so powerful in your marriage and family is that they help everyone get done what they need to get done. They allow you to know when family time is and when you have personal time. Everyone gets on the same page so you can all work together on the family’s objectives for the week.
Knowing what your wife is up to can be powerful in its own way. By knowing when your wife will be done working, you can plan a nice surprise. You can have dinner ready, or maybe even show up at lunch and eat with her. You’ll also know when she’s got a long day ahead of her so you can be sure to offer some extra encouragement.
Having a weekly time for planning your joint calendars together is a fantastic way to make sure everything gets time reserved. You can plan game night, date night, and any other together time that you want to share in the week ahead. This is also a great time to menu plan.
Marriage is all about communication. The more you communicate, the more your marriage will grow. By sitting down and planning your week together, you and your wife can communicate your priorities and dreams for the week.
Technology Bowl
Technology in our lives has really advanced at an amazing rate over the past 20 years. We’ve gone from a world where electronics made some things in our lives easier to a world where technology is completely immersed in our daily lives.
One of Benedict’s favorite things to do is to grab Alison or I’s cell phones. He sees us using them all of the time and so he wants to hold it. While I wish he didn’t perceive it as so pivotal in my life, I really do use my phone for everything. I use it for tracking exercise, keeping a food diary, logging all of the daily events in his life (feedings, naps, etc), communicating with Alison while she’s at work, and even running my business.
The funny thing is that with all of this new communication technology, we’ve become worse communicators. The one thing that technology sought to improve has actually created a bit of a barrier. We sit in the same room as our spouses, and we text them. We eat dinner and are checking our Twitter feeds. We go out on dates and update Facebook.
Alison and I have come up with a small solution to help us start taking back our lives. We call it the “Technology Bowl.” It’s a glass bowl that a friend gave us for our wedding. At dinner time, during date night, and during family game time, we put our phones in the bowl. These particular times are reserved for family time.
What this does is create a barrier. There’s a clear demarkation… this isn’t time for surfing, this is time for human connection. It improves our communication by removing communication devices from our line of sight… a true irony!
Sure, questions can’t be immediately answered using Google. We can’t see who texted us. But we can connect on a human, emotional level with the people in the room. We can just enjoy our family right there. We can get back to basics.
Technology is designed to be mastered. Just keep in mind who the master really is.
Golden Hour
Playing with kids all day is fun. As adults, however, we need time for ourselves. We need time to connect to other humans who can form complex sentences and share ideas. I like to call the hour after Benedict goes to sleep the “Golden Hour.”
Benedict is getting more mobile, which makes him dangerous. He constantly needs to be monitored as he squirms all around on the floor. That makes my job during the day much more involved as I chase him around the family room, kitchen, and dining room.
So when he finally goes to sleep around 8pm, I’ve got an hour before bed. Alison and I go to bed at 9pm because we wake up at 5am. That means she can get to the hospital on time and I can get 2 hours of work done before Benedict wakes up.
Our Golden Hour is from 8pm - 9pm. It’s a time for Alison and I to just be together.
It’s important to relax during your Golden Hour, but not to waste the time. The trick to maximizing this time is to find a meaningful way to spend time together with your spouse. Here are a few ideas:
• Play a board game
• Read together
• Work together
• Work on a craft project
• Plan your menu
• Have a Budget Committee meeting
• Watch a movie
The Golden Hour is your time to unwind before bed. No matter how you choose to spend it, make sure you’re both spending time together. You’ve had all day to be apart.
Game Night
Families today are busy. Parents are working multiple jobs, kids are going to school during the day and then participating in extracurricular activities until late in the evening. With all of these divergent schedules, it can be hard to have regular family time.
Like anything else that’s a priority in your life, you have to schedule time for it.
Admittedly, I don’t like board games that much. When playing games, I don’t necessarily enjoy an extremely competitive atmosphere. So Alison and I found some board games that aren’t really competitive, just fun. We set aside time each week for having a Game Night. It’s insanely fun.
A family game night is a great chance for your family to have some high quality time together. It’s also cost effective. Many of the usual “recreational” activities, such as going to the movies, can be extremely expensive for a family. With game night, you purchase a board game once that can last for years.
Game night is a lost treasure. People have almost forgotten that board games or card games are incredibly entertaining. You’ll make memories together and will doubtlessly start several inside jokes.
It’s time to bring the family together. It’s time to bring back game night.
Change One Fault Per Month
Two weeks ago, I wrote about conversion in our lives. In the post, I talked about how conversion doesn’t happen overnight, but through thousands of small decisions.
If you’re like me, you have faults that you wish you didn’t have. Changing those faults can be difficult. You may have tried in the past, but failed. We can all be more successful with focus.
Through the simple action of committing to focusing on changing one fault per month, in a year you can be a whole new man!
Make a list of things about you that you consider to be faults. Be open and be honest with yourself. Pick one and attack it with vengeance.
Don’t do this alone… seek your wife’s help. I bet she’ll want to help you in this process.
Throughout the process, you’ll fail. You’ll be working on one habit for three weeks and on day 23, you’ll fall back into your old ways. The key to success is your ability to shake it off, get back up, and move past your failures. We all fail, but only the strong persevere.
The time for change isn’t tomorrow, it’s right now.
Open to Life
In our society, especially recently, we’ve spent a lot of time talking about ways to avoid pregnancy. When did kids become the enemy?
In the days before I was a father, I knew very little about children. Being the youngest child in my family, I never really had a chance to be around them. So when Benedict came, it was truly a trial by fire. During Alison’s pregnancy, I experienced a whole range of emotions. To be honest, the only times I was stressed or scared was thinking about Alison’s safety or how the budget would bend to accommodate this new little life.
I think our real problem is that we’ve stopped seeing children as a joy and now view them as a burden, an expense, a roadblock.
Although children do require a lot of time, attention, care, and resources, they do have something to offer us. They’re a source of pure joy. They’re a reminder of the beauty in life. They help us to remember the little things. They help us to see the world with optimism.
Nothing is as amazing as making a small child laugh. Nothing is as amazing as when a child looks at you.
So let’s just agree to stop treating them like a disease.