Play-Based Childhood
My first phone was the Motorola Razor. I vaguely remember getting it as I was entering my sophomore year of high school, but it could’ve been my freshman year. With its T9 keyboard, and limited minutes and messages each month, I don’t believe I used to all that much. I called my parents and friends, but I was nowhere near tethered to it. The original iPhone was released the summer of my freshman year of college. I was an adult, with a mostly formed brain, and received that phone as a gift shortly after launch.
The iPhone marked a fundamental reorganization of the childhood experience. My Razr had little function outside texting, which was arduous, and phone calls. The iPhone, and really the App Store that rolled out the following year, changed everything and no one thought twice.
There’s no argument that kids and teens face a harsh world today. There’s plenty of reason to be anxious and unsettled, but it’s always been that way. Nostalgia clouds the mind as we try to go backwards in time, but the reality is that every generation of young people has faced its share of existential challenges.
As the research continues to pour in, we’re learning more about the troubling drop in happiness among youth and its decline into despair. The last 18 years, an entire generation of children, have been involuntarily enrolled in a social experiment. The results of that experiment will be a burden they carry forward for the rest of their lives.
Childhood, adolescence, and puberty are critical in the development of rational, productive adults. These are the times when we safely learn the rules of living in community, we curiously explore what it means to be a person, and we come to understand our place in the world. For the last 18 years, our children have instead spent less time playing and learning, and more time sedately staring at a rectangle.
Now, as teens and young adults, they continue to stare at the rectangles. Predators and charlatans no longer have to go to the mall to hawk their ideas and wares; they’re right in our children’s laps. Through a steady diet of anger and fear, then conscript these kids into their virtual army, child soldiers fighting for the agenda of a person they’ve never met, ruining their lives and worldview while enriching their new generals.
Parenting is a whole-of-self endeavor and entirely exhausting. Between work, taking care of the house, and raising children, it’s no wonder many houses are a mess, we eat out more than we should, and parents’ physical health is largely neglected. But, like the best things in life, doing the hard thing counterintuitively brings satisfaction.
Giving our children their devices as on-demand babysitters is the easiest thing to do. Fighting for them, protecting their innocence, and giving them the gift of a play-based childhood, although objectively harder, is objectively the right thing to do. It’s the childhood they deserve, and the childhood that will prepare them to be happy and satisfied adults.
Priorities
Much thought is given to priorities, especially around the beginning of a new year. Whether we set them intentionally or not, priorities are guiding our actions. Even if you set out with a solid plan, it’s easy to become overcome by events.
There are seasons for everything in life; work, family, relationships, school, and play have rhythms that seldom sync up. It’s why we can have fabulously productive days at work and end the day with the house a complete mess. On that day, we prioritized work over cleaning.
The problem with priorities is when we let them take us away from our principles. A father who spends all his days focused on work will lose his family. An employee who spends their days at home cleaning will lose their job. We have to fight for balance in our lives.
Our bodies are magnificent creations; they tell us when we’re out of balance. We’ve all felt that terrible, inescapable feeling of being overwhelmed. We’ve experienced the physical manifestations alarming us to the toll that stress is taking on us.
Though the demands on our time are many and very real, the truth is if we spend some time each day tending to our areas of responsibility, we can get it all done. The house will never be clean, relationships always need nurturing, and work will never be done. But if we keep the kitchen counter clear, take time for each child, and be focused while at work, we can end the day satisfied with how we spent it.
Heavenly Delights
On Saturday, my daughter, Felicity, received her First Holy Communion. It was a day that she’d looked forward to for months, and why wouldn’t she? Children are receptive to ideas that are hard for adults. It’s what makes them vulnerable, but sometimes vulnerability is a gift.
In the Gospel, we hear about how many people “went away” from Jesus as He gave His catechesis of the Eucharist because the truths were “too hard.” For a devout Jew, who observes restrictions about eating the flesh of certain animals, this is understandable. Jesus instructs His followers to not only eat flesh, but human flesh. Blood was understood as the source of life, so to drink someone else’s blood was an outrageous instruction.
I can’t fault these holy people who sought to more deeply obey God’s instructions. They, unlike us, didn’t have the benefit of thousands of years of theology. Like a child, they had to accept Jesus’ instructions at face value.
In the revised translation of the Mass, one of my favorite concluding prayers starts with, “Having consumed these heavenly delights…” It evokes the Jewish people in the desert, looking out of their tents to see manna waiting to feed them; bread from Heaven come to save us, having all sweetness within it. Felicity can now fully participate in the Mass. As she does, may she find fulfillment in these Heavenly Delights.
A Blast of Trumpets
The design of our parish draws heavy inspiration from the great Italian basilicas. A large dome binds together the transepts, and the oversized sanctuary, adorned in stone, creates a huge, open space with the altar perfectly centered. It’s the kind of design that elevates the mind; beauty that shocks the faithful out of the routine of our daily lives and reminds us of the specialness of this place.
To accompany the breathtaking architecture, we also have a robust liturgical music department. At many Masses throughout the year, guest instrumentalists join the organ and choir to truly elevate the music. A few weeks ago, a trumpet and trombone played at Mass on Mother’s Day. The musicians are seated right up front, off to the right, but where the expansive sanctuary meets the dome. The result, in addition to the acoustically friendly building materials, is a church-filling sound that resounds throughout the entire space.
It’s been many years since I attended a parish where Mass was a standing-room only occasion, where young families like mine filled the pews, and where songs were sung by more than just the cantor. Add to the mix the sound of brass and stringed instruments, and it’s hard to not get taken up in the transcendent experience.
I’m grateful to Fr. Mike Schmitz and Ascension Press for their Bible in a Year podcast. It was just a few years ago that I completed the journey, and I find myself frequently reaching back to what I heard and learned that year. Having that grasp, that context, of the Bible is enriching to my daily life. Hearing the brass horns blaring at the Mass is one of those times.
We go to Mass weekly, sometimes more often, and that can have the effect of lulling us into complacency. Our encounters with the Divine are expected, scheduled, and presumed. But when you are at Mass, and the entrance procession is welcomed with a trumpet blast, your mind is immediately pulled to Psalm 47 or St. John’s descriptions in Revelation. It becomes so easy to imagine the triumph of Jesus Christ mounting His throne to the fulsome blasts of trumpets. You’re instantly reminded of what it is that you labor for, and why we don’t just give up our values and drift mindlessly through life like most of our friends and neighbors.
When I stand there, surrounded by my family, the blast of trumpets reminds me who I am, Whose I am, and where I want to be. It’s enough to shake me awake, to get back in the game, and to keep fighting for that day when I hope to be admitted to the Heavenly Mass, where the trumpets never stop blasting.
Breathing Room
Impulse shopping is really, really fun. There’s the enticement of an email, the excitement of a deal, and the endless possibilities that this next purchase will open up. Anticipation builds as the fulfillment and shipping process plays out and crescendos at the unboxing.
As we mature as people, and in the management of our finances, it becomes clear just how damaging impulsing can be. What feels great in the moment fades to the reality that’s transpired. You changed your priorities, and now that you bought the new thing, some other thing must be deferred or delayed.
While true that impulse shopping feels good, so does a lack of chaos. I aspire to a boring, predictable financial life where the system mostly runs on autopilot. I want a financial life that allows me breathing room to make decisions, where I can add in new priorities without wrecking the essentials. I want to make decisions about what I’m going to impulse on at the beginning of the month, and then be ready to make that leap.
There are a minimum number of things that we have to buy every month: cleaning supplies, food, gas. When I feel that urge to impulse something, if I want to keep that breathing room in my financial life, I need to save it for later, think about, and plan to buy it in the next month.
IOUs
One of the false hopes that our psychology causes us to believe is that if we only had more, we’d be satisfied. If we only had that one more thing, a little more each paycheck, one more cookie, that’s all that we need. Regrettably and predictably, we get to that one more thing, only to find that the goalposts have moved.
Financial stress is a spectrum, and while we feel it very acutely when trying to get out of debt, it never really goes away. We will experience major negative financial events in our lives, and regardless of how prepared we are, it will be a trying time.
When you’re broke, a major car repair is stressful. But when you have a full emergency fund, you experience that same negative feeling when you have a major medical condition that requires you to pay out your deductible in a short period of time. The stress transfers from a scarcity of money to a desire to protect your emergency fund.
The budget is the plan to keep you on track towards your financial goals and prevent overconsumption. In times of stress, you may have to pause funding some of those major goals. This strategic pause then raises a new issue: do you forgive yourself for the months you “missed,” or do you run an internal debt IOU system to get back on track?
The answer to this question is not straightforward, but it’s okay to forgive yourself. We are not robots and none of us are on a perfect hockey stick growth trajectory. Long-term goals require long-term commitment, but missing a month or two or six on saving towards a 30-year goal is not going to make you miss the goal. It’s a small time window on a large horizon.
Don’t move the goalposts on yourself; get through the hard time and get back on track as soon as possible. Think about the future without dwelling on the past.
Do it Well
Nearly 15 years out of college, I could’ve never predicted the arc of my career. I walked across the stage with a degree in Philosophy, a course of study that doesn’t lend itself to a neat career path. Rather, many doors were open for me and a few were closed.
I spent four years at a non-profit, expanding the program’s reach to underserved communities. It was in the immediate aftermath of the financial crisis, and although my performance was commendable, there was no money and no opportunity to promote and move me along a career within the organization. When Alison went into Residency, it was easy to walk away.
Through her three years of residency and the first three years of practice, I was an at-home dad to small children. I focused on my fitness, but I also wrote and built websites. I didn’t do it for hire, I just did it for me. It was a creative outlet. I started this blog, which is now on its 976th post. I wrote and self-published several books. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote.
In the fall of 2021, my friend asked me to help him with some writing projects at his job, then I was asked to help another friend, and a third friend asked for my help. I was working 10 hours a week, then 20, and now I’m reliably working 40–50 hours in a week. Out of far-left field came opportunities, and I was ready.
I did not build a massive business out of this blog or publish a weekly column read by the thousands. I quietly worked to develop my thoughts, build my skills, and practice my art so that, when the phone rang, I was ready.
Every job has its lessons to teach us, and connections to make, which carry us forward to our next endeavor. Whatever it is that you’re doing today, especially if it’s not the work you wish to do for the rest of your life, do it well.
Custom Parenting
Last year, when we got a dog, I thought that life would be simple. Dogs, unlike cats, are thought to be loyal and obedient. When a family needed them to do something, they would do it in a no drama way. I was wrong. Our dog, a creature all her own, has an agenda all her own. Usually, she goes with the flow, but there are plenty of occasions each week on which she doesn’t want to get with the program.
Parenting is not just about forming functioning, happy adults. Parenting is about mentorship. Each child is their own unique person, who requires an individualized approach. This can be challenging for a parent who needs to organize the group all at once, but cannot deliver the same instruction in the same way to every child.
Things that are challenging to do bring the greatest satisfaction. If you’re naturally good at golf, it’ll require a very challenging course or an exceptionally challenging championship to derive an above-average level of satisfaction from a round of golf. The effort, though, is never wasted because satisfaction is what we innately crave.
Many young adults today shun parenting and its many burdens and challenges. Indeed, parenting is the hardest commitment that any of us can make, on par with marriage. It’s a life-long commitment, to will the good of the other, to build an authentic relationship, and to give them your full heart and attention.
Developing four sets of strategies and tools for parenting my four children is hard on an easy day, and Mt. Everest on my worst days. But every bit of time, attention, care, and love that I pour into them will pay dividends long after I’m gone. Every child is unique, and they deserve parents who love and respect them enough to parent in the way that they’ll be most ready to receive.
Pray, Now
Many times, this blog has noted the depth and breadth of devotions within the Catholic Church. The dizzying array of options can lead to paralysis; having too many options and simply choosing none of them. The truth is that the best kind of prayer is the one that gets prayed.
Like diet, exercise, or any other lifestyle improvement we daydream about, many of us have visions of the perfect prayer life. It’s monastic, regimented, always perfect, and in the most beautiful of settings. The reality is that if you want quiet prayer in a house of children, it likely has to be before the sun comes up or long after it’s gone down. Even hiding in your room for less than five minutes is likely to set off the world’s greatest Search and Rescue efforts orchestrated by your children.
We need, and benefit from, all types of prayer. Group prayer, liturgical prayer, family prayer, and private prayer, it all places our day on pause and elevates our selves to communion with the God who created us. So there’s no point in designing the perfect prayer program, or waiting for just a few quiet moments during that nap time that’s unlikely to yield the intended results.
Simply pray, now.
Above All Things
Starting in our earliest years of formation, we learn that we were made to love God “above all things.” This ideal is a daily challenge to each of us to set aside our heart’s desires, the desires of our family, and to focus first on God, who provides for all things. Even in our Act of Penance, we remind ourselves of this truth by repeating these words.
I was watching the commentator Michael Knowles engage in a discussion with some sex workers, and he noted that one of them frequently wears a cross. He brought up this juxtaposition not as a condemnation, but as a symbol of the constant struggle with which we contend. Michael noted that he wears a scapular, and he will be reminded of that fact when he’s about to sin, and it presents an invitation to reconsider his course of action.
Loving God first, and trusting in His Providence, is difficult because we also know that God wants us to be people of action. We must balance between superstition and idleness in both our discernment and our action.
Regardless of our time, circumstance, or difficulty, the solution almost always is to love God above all things. If we love Him first, as we were made to do, all good things will certainly flow from it.